ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com
TEDGlobal>Geneva

James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email

James Veitch: Hvad der sker, når man besvarer spam email

Filmed:
55,851,315 views

Mistænkelige e-mails: uindløste obligationer, diamantbesatte bankbokse, nære venner i nød i fremmede lande. De dukker op i indbakken, og standard proceduren er at slette dem. Men hvad mon der sker, hvis man svarer? Se med når forfatter og komiker Jan Veitch tager dig med på en ugelang email udveksling med en spammer der har et rigtig godt tilbud.
- Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
A few yearsflere år agosiden,
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For et par år siden
00:13
I got one of those spamspam emailse-mails.
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modtog jeg en spam e-mail
00:17
And it managedlykkedes
to get throughigennem my spamspam filterfilter.
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som formåede at komme
igennem mit spamfilter,
00:19
I'm not quitetemmelig sure how,
but it turnedvendt up in my inboxindbakke,
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og landede i min indbakke
00:22
and it was from a guy
calledhedder SolomonSolomon OdonkohOdonkoh.
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Den var fra en gut der
hedder Solomon Odonkoh.
00:24
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
00:26
I know.
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Jeg ved det
00:27
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
00:28
It wentgik like this:
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Den lød sådan her:
00:29
it said, "HelloHej JamesJames VeitchVeitch,
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"Hej James Veitch,
00:31
I have an interestinginteressant businessforretning proposalforslag
I want to sharedel with you, SolomonSolomon."
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Jeg har et interessant
forslag til dig, Solomon."
00:36
Now, my handhånd was kindvenlig of hoveringsvævende
on the deleteslette buttonknap, right?
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Nu svævede min hånd
over Slet-knappen, ikk?
00:39
I was looking at my phonetelefon.
I thought, I could just deleteslette this.
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Jeg så på min mobil,
og overvejede at slette.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we'vevi har all always wanted to do.
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Men jeg kunne også gøre
noget vi alle har overvejet.
00:46
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
00:50
And I said, "SolomonSolomon,
Your emaile-mail intriguesintriger me."
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Og jeg skrev, "Solomon,
du har gjort mig nysgerrig."
00:52
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
00:55
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
01:00
And the gamespil was afootunder opsejling.
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Og spillet var igang.
01:05
He said, "DearKære JamesJames VeitchVeitch,
We shallskal be shippingForsendelse GoldGuld to you."
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Han skrev, "Kære James Veitch,
Vi vil sende guld til dig."
01:08
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
01:10
"You will earnTjen 10%
of any goldguld you distributesdistribuerer."
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"Du tjener 10% på alt
hvad du videresælger."
01:13
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
01:15
So I knewvidste I was dealingbeskæftiger
with a professionalprofessionel.
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Nu vidste jeg, han var
professionel
01:17
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worthværdi?"
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Jeg svarede, "Hvor meget er det værd?"
01:25
He said, "We will startStart
with smallermindre quantitymængde," --
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Han skrev, "Vi starter med
en mindre sending" --
01:27
I was like, awwAW --
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øv --
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgsKgs.
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"på 25 kg.
01:31
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
01:34
The worthværdi should be about $2.5 millionmillion."
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Værdien er ca $2.5 millioner"
01:39
I said, "SolomonSolomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go bigstor.
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Jeg skrev "Solomon, lad os
dog gøre det ordenligt
01:42
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
01:50
I can handlehåndtere it.
How much goldguld do you have?"
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"Jeg kan klare det.
Hvor meget guld har du?"
01:54
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
01:57
He said, "It is not a matterstof
of how much goldguld I have,
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Han sagde, "Det er ikke
relevant,
det der betyder noget,
er hvor meget du kan klare.
02:00
what matterssager is
your capabilityevne of handlinghåndtering.
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02:02
We can startStart with 50 kgsKgs
as trialforsøg shipmentforsendelse."
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Vi kan starte med 50 kg
som en prøvesending"
02:04
I said, "50 kgsKgs?
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Jeg skrev, "50 kg?
02:06
There's no pointpunkt doing this at all
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Det giver slet ingen mening
02:08
unlessmed mindre you're shippingForsendelse
at leastmindst a metricmetrisk tonton."
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medmindre du sender mig
mindst et ton."
02:10
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
02:11
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a livinglevende?"
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Han skrev, "Hvad lever du af?"
02:17
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedgehedge fundfond
executiveudøvende bankbank managerManager."
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Jeg skrev, "Jeg er administrerende
direktør i en hedgefond."
02:22
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shippedafsendt bullionguldbarrer, my friendven,
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Det er ikke første gang
jeg handler med guld, min ven,
02:29
no no no.
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nej, nej, nej.
02:32
Then I startedstartede to panicpanik.
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Så gik jeg i panik,
02:34
I was like, "Where are you basedbaseret?"
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og skrev, "Hvor holder I til?"
02:35
I don't know about you,
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Jeg ved ikke med dig,
02:37
but I think if we're going
viavia the postalpost- serviceservice,
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men hvis vi vælger
posten
bør det være forsikret.
02:39
it oughtburde to be signedunderskrevet for.
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Det er virkelige meget guld."
02:40
That's a lot of goldguld."
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02:42
He said, "It will not be easylet
to convinceoverbevise my companySelskab
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Han sagde, "Det bliver ikke nemt
at overbevise mit firma
02:45
to do largerstørre quantitymængde shipmentforsendelse."
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om så stor en sending.
02:46
I said, "SolomonSolomon, I'm completelyfuldstændig
with you on this one.
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Jeg sagde, "Solomon, det forstår
jeg ganske udmærket.
02:49
I'm puttingsætte togethersammen a visualvisuel for you
to take into the boardbestyrelse meetingmøde.
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Jeg laver en præsentation
du kan vise til bestyrelsesmødet.
02:52
HoldHold tighttæt."
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Øjeblik."
02:54
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
03:01
This is what I sentsendt SolomonSolomon.
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Dette er hvad jeg sendte
03:03
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
03:05
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticiansstatistikere in the househus,
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Jeg ved ikke om der er
statistikere til stede,
03:14
but there's definitelyhelt bestemt something going on.
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men der sker virkelig noget.
03:16
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
03:19
I said, "SolomonSolomon, attachedvedhæftet to this emaile-mail
you'llvil du find a helpfulnyttig chartdiagram.
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon, vedhæftet finder
du et diagram.
03:23
I've had one of my assistantsassistenter
runløb the numbersnumre.
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En af mine assistenter har
gennemgået tallene.
03:25
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
03:27
We're readyparat for shippingForsendelse
as much goldguld as possiblemuligt."
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Vi er klar til en sending
så stor som mulig."
De vil forsøge at vinde
din empati på et tidspunkt
03:30
There's always a momentøjeblik where they try
to tugslæbebåd your heartstringsHeartstrings,
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og dette var nu for Solomon
03:33
and this was it for SolomonSolomon.
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Han skrev, "Det vil glæde mig
hvis handlen går godt,
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happylykkelig
if the dealdel goesgår well,
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for jeg får også en
ret god kommission.
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commissionprovision as well."
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Og jeg skrev, "Det er fantastisk,
hvad vil bruge pengene til?"
03:40
And I said, "That's amazingfantastiske,
What are you going to spendbruge your cutskære on?"
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Og han skrev, "På ejendomme.
Hvad med dig?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstateRealEstate,
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Jeg tænkte længe over mit svar
03:50
And I said, "One wordord;
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og skrev så, "Ét ord;
03:53
HummusHummus."
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Hummus."
03:54
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
04:00
"It's going placessteder.
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"Det er der
muligheder i.
04:01
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
04:03
I was in Sainsbury'sSainsburys the other day
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Jeg var i Sainsbury's forleden
04:05
and there were like
30 differentforskellige varietiessorter.
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og de havde nærmest
30 varianter.
04:07
AlsoOgså you can cutskære up carrotsgulerødder,
and you can dipDIP them.
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Det kan bruges som dip
til gulerodsstave.
04:10
Have you ever doneFærdig that, SolomonSolomon?"
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Har du prøvet det, Solomon?"
04:11
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bedseng now."
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Han skrev, "Jeg går i seng nu."
04:16
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
04:18
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
04:21
"TillIndtil morrowMorrow.
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"Vi tales i morgen.
04:24
Have sweetsød dreamdrøm."
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Sov godt."
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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Hvad skulle jeg sige nu!
04:27
I said, "BonsoirBonsoir
my goldengylden nuggetguldklump, bonsoirbonsoir."
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Jeg skrev, "Bonsoir
min guldklump, bonsoir."
04:30
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
04:33
Guys, you have to understandforstå,
this had been going for, like, weeksuger,
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I må forstå at dette stod
på over flere uger,
og havde indtil nu været
de bedste i mit liv,
04:36
albeitomend hithertohidtil har the greateststørst
weeksuger of my life,
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men nu var det tid
at stoppe.
04:38
but I had to knockbanke it on the headhoved.
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Det havde taget overhånd.
04:40
It was getting a bitbit out of handhånd.
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Vennerne sagde, "James,
skal vi have en sjus?"
04:41
FriendsVenner were sayingordsprog, "JamesJames,
do you want to come for a drinkdrikke?"
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Og jeg svarede, "Desværre
jeg venter en mail vedr. noget guld."
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expectingforventer
an emaile-mail about some goldguld."
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Så jeg tænke, at nu måtte
jeg afslutte det,
04:47
So I figuredregnede I had
to knockbanke it on the headhoved.
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og helst så absurd
som muligt.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculouslatterlig conclusionkonklusion.
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Jeg lagde derfor en plan.
04:52
So I concoctedbrygget sammen a planplan.
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon, jeg er
bekymret for sikkerheden.
04:53
I said, "SolomonSolomon,
I'm concernedberørte about securitysikkerhed.
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04:55
When we emaile-mail eachhver other,
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Når vi sender e-mail til
hinanden,
04:56
we need to use a codekode."
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bør vi bruge en kode."
05:00
And he agreedaftalt.
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Han var enig.
05:01
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
05:03
I said, "SolomonSolomon, I spentbrugt all night
comingkommer up with this codekode
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon, jeg har
arbejdet hele natten på en kode
05:06
we need to use
in all furtheryderligere correspondencekorrespondance:
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som vi skal bruge fremover:
05:08
LawyerAdvokat: GummyKlæbende BearBjørn.
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Advokat: Vingummi,
05:13
BankBank: CreamFløde EggÆg.
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Bank: Påskeæg.
05:16
LegalJuridisk: FizzyBrus ColaCola BottleFlaske.
ClaimKravet: PeanutPeanut M&MsMS.
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Legal: Haribo Cola Flasker.
Søgsmål: Peanut M&M
05:18
DocumentsDokumenter: JellyJelly BeansBønner.
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Dokumenter: Jelly Beans
05:20
WesternWestern UnionUnion: A GiantGiant GummyKlæbende LizardFirben."
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Western Union: Stort gummi-firben."
05:22
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
05:24
I knewvidste these were all wordsord
they use, right?
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Det er jo sådanne ord
de bruger, ikke?
05:26
I said, "Please call me KitkatKitKat
in all furtheryderligere correspondencekorrespondance."
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Jeg skrev, "Kald mig KitKat
fra nu af."
05:30
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
05:36
I didn't hearhøre back.
I thought, I've gonevæk too farlangt.
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Jeg fik intet svar.
Det var nok for langt ude.
05:38
I've gonevæk too farlangt.
So I had to backpedalbackpedal a little.
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Jeg forsøgte at trække i land.
05:40
I said, "SolomonSolomon, Is the dealdel still on?
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon,
har vi stadig en aftale?
05:44
KitKatKitKat."
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KitKat."
05:45
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
05:46
Because you have to be consistentkonsekvent.
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Man skal jo være konsekvent.
05:51
Then I did get an emaile-mail back from him.
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Og så fik jeg svar.
05:53
He said, "The BusinessBusiness is on
and I am tryingforsøger to blahblah blahblah blahblah ..."
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Han skrev, "Ja, vi fortsætter
og jeg forsøger at bla, bla, bla..."
Jeg skrev, "Hallo, du skal bruge koden!"
05:56
I said, "DudeDude, you have to use the codekode!"
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06:01
What followedefterfulgt is the greateststørst emaile-mail
I've ever receivedmodtaget.
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Og så modtog jeg den bedste e-mail
nogensinde.
06:04
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
06:07
I'm not jokingspøg, this is what
turnedvendt up in my inboxindbakke.
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Det er ingen joke. Dette er hvad
jeg modtog i indbakken.
06:10
This was a good day.
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Det blev en god dag.
06:13
"The businessforretning is on.
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"Vi har en aftale.
06:16
I am tryingforsøger to raisehæve the balancebalance
for the GummyKlæbende BearBjørn --
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Jeg forsøger at rejse penge
til vingummien --
06:18
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
06:23
so he can submitIndsend all the neededhavde brug for
FizzyBrus ColaCola BottleFlaske JellyJelly BeansBønner
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så han kan sende alle
Haribo Colaflaske Jelly Beans
06:26
to the CremeCreme EggÆg,
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til påskeægget,
06:29
for the PeanutPeanut M&MsMS processbehandle to startStart.
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så Peanut M&M processen
kan starte
06:32
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
06:33
SendSend 1,500 poundspund
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Send 1.500 pund
06:36
viavia a GiantGiant GummyKlæbende LizardFirben."
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via et stort gummi-firben
06:38
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
06:49
And that was so much funsjovt, right,
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Det var bare så morsomt, ikke?
06:51
that it got me thinkingtænker:
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Og jeg fik en idé:
06:53
like, what would happenske if I just spentbrugt
as much time as could
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Hvad ville der ske
hvis jeg satte mig for
06:56
replyingbesvarelse af to as manymange
scamfidus emailse-mails as I could?
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at besvare så mange
scam e-mails som muligt?
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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Og det har jeg så gjort
07:03
for threetre yearsflere år
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i 3 år
07:05
on your behalfvegne.
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på Jeres vegne.
07:06
(LaughterLatter)
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(Latter)
07:08
(ApplauseBifald)
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(Bifald)
07:12
CrazyTosset stuffting og sager happenssker when you startStart
replyingbesvarelse af to scamfidus emailse-mails.
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Der sker skøre ting når du
begynder at besvare scam.
07:14
It's really difficultsvært,
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Det er svært,
07:16
and I highlymeget recommendanbefale we do it.
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og jeg anbefaler vi gør det.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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Det jeg gør er ikke
ondskabsfuldt.
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammerssvindlere.
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Mange er direkte onde
ved scammerne.
07:22
All I'm doing is wastingspilder theirderes time.
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Jeg spilder bare deres tid.
07:26
And I think any time
they're spendingudgifter with me
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Og den tid de bruger på mig
07:29
is time they're not spendingudgifter
scammingsnydere vulnerablesårbar adultsvoksne
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bruger de ikke på at narre
hele opsparingen
07:31
out of theirderes savingsopsparing, right?
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fra sårbare personer, vel?
07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highlymeget recommendanbefale you do --
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Og hvis du vil prøve dette --
hvad jeg klart anbefaler --
07:37
get yourselfdig selv a pseudonymouspseudonyme emaile-mail addressadresse.
163
445171
2011
så få dig en anonym e-mail adresse
07:39
Don't use your ownegen emaile-mail addressadresse.
164
447206
1604
Brug ikke din egen.
07:40
That's what I was doing at the startStart
and it was a nightmaremareridt.
165
448834
2854
Jeg brugte min egen i starten
og det var et rent mareridt.
07:43
I'd wakevågne up in the morningmorgen
and have a thousandtusind emailse-mails
166
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2556
Når jeg stod op om morgenen
var der 1000 e-mails
07:46
about penispenis enlargementsudvidelser,
167
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1207
om penisforstørrelse,
07:47
only one of whichhvilken
was a legitimatelegitim responserespons --
168
455523
2197
hvoraf kun én var et
legitimt svar --
07:49
(LaughterLatter)
169
457744
2096
(Latter)
07:51
to a medicalmedicinsk questionspørgsmål I had.
170
459864
1342
på et medicinsk spørgsmål
jeg havde stillet.
07:53
But I'll tell you what, thoughselvom, guys,
171
461230
1769
Men ved i hvad gutter,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
172
463023
3001
Jeg kan fortælle Jer at
enhver dag, er en god dag
07:58
if you receivemodtage an emaile-mail
that beginsbegynder like this:
173
466048
2421
når man modtager en e-mail
der begynder således:
08:01
(LaughterLatter)
174
469558
2814
(Latter)
08:04
"I AM WINNIEWINNIE MANDELAMANDELA,
175
472396
1793
"JEG HEDDER WINNIE MANDELA,
08:07
THE SECONDANDEN WIFEKONE OF NELSONNELSON MANDELAMANDELA
THE FORMERTIDLIGERE SOUTHSYD AFRICANAFRIKANSKE PRESIDENTFORMAND."
176
475094
3294
TIDLIGERE PRÆSIDENT NELSON
MANDELAS ANDEN KONE."
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that WinnieWinnie MandelaMandela.
177
478412
1903
Hold da op! -- Dén Winnie Mandela.
08:12
(LaughterLatter)
178
480339
1081
(Latter)
08:13
I know so manymange.
179
481444
1150
Jeg kender så mange.
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFEROVERFØRSEL 45 MILLIONMILLIONER DOLLARSDOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRYLAND
180
483546
3056
"JEG SKAL FØRE 45 MILLIONER
DOLLARS UD AF LANDET
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBANDMAND
NELSONNELSON MANDELA'SMANDELAS HEALTHSUNDHED CONDITIONBETINGELSE."
181
486626
2770
PÅ GRUND AF MIN MANDS
DÅRLIGE HELBRED."
08:21
Let that sinkhåndvask in.
182
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1159
Tyg lidt på den.
08:23
She sentsendt me this, whichhvilken is hystericalhysterisk.
183
491864
2640
Hun sendte mig denne,
som er hysterisk morsom:
08:26
(LaughterLatter)
184
494528
2947
(Latter)
08:29
And this.
185
497499
1159
Og denne.
08:30
And this looksudseende fairlytemmelig legitimatelegitim,
this is a letterbrev of authorizationtilladelse.
186
498682
3199
Den her ser ret legitim ud,
det er en fuldmagt.
08:33
But to be honestærlig, if there's nothing
writtenskriftlig on it, it's just a shapeform!
187
501905
3389
Men helt ærligt. Hvis der intet
er skrevet, er det jo bare en form!
08:37
(LaughterLatter)
188
505318
1853
(Latter)
08:39
I said, "WinnieWinnie,
I'm really sorry to hearhøre of this.
189
507651
2342
Jeg skrev, "Winnie,
det gør virkelig ondt.
08:42
GivenGivet that NelsonNelson dieddøde threetre monthsmåneder agosiden,
190
510017
1993
Da Nelson jo døde
for 3 mdr siden,
08:44
I'd describebeskrive his healthsundhed conditiontilstand
as fairlytemmelig seriousalvorlig."
191
512034
2586
er hans helbred seriøst dårligt."
08:46
(LaughterLatter)
192
514644
2814
(Latter)
08:49
That's the worstværst healthsundhed conditiontilstand
you can have, not beingvære alivei live.
193
517482
3519
Den værste tilstand man kan
være i, er død.
08:55
She said, "KINDLYVENLIGST COMPLYI OVERENSSTEMMELSE
WITH MY BANKERSFINANSRÅDET INSTRUCTIONSINSTRUKTIONER.
194
523373
2771
Hun skrev, "VENLIGST UDFØR
MIN BANKS INSTRUKTIONER.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
195
526168
1158
ONE LOVE."
08:59
(LaughterLatter)
196
527350
1952
(Latter)
09:02
I said, "Of courseRute. NO WOMANKVINDE, NO CRYCRY."
197
530325
1818
Jeg skrev, "Naturligvis.
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
09:04
(LaughterLatter)
198
532167
3504
(Latter)
09:07
(ApplauseBifald)
199
535695
3496
(Bifald)
09:12
She said, "MY BANKERBANKMAND WILL NEED
TRANSFEROVERFØRSEL OF 3000 DOLLARSDOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
200
540701
3151
Hun skrev, "MIN BANKRÅDGIVER
SKAL BRUGE 3000 DOLLARS.
09:15
(LaughterLatter)
201
543876
2134
(Latter)
09:20
I said, "no problemoproblemo.
202
548010
1969
Jeg skrev, "Intet problem.
09:24
I SHOTSKUD THE SHERIFFSHERIFF."
203
552422
1271
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOTSKYDE THE DEPUTYSTEDFORTRÆDENDE) ]
204
557813
1880
[(BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY)]
09:31
(LaughterLatter)
205
559717
1025
(Latter)
09:32
Thank you.
206
560766
1152
Tak.
09:33
(ApplauseBifald)
207
561942
13263
(Bifald)
Translated by Jette Derriche
Reviewed by Simon Djernæs

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com