ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.

Why you should listen

Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”

Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.  

He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.  

He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”

Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.  


More profile about the speaker
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2010

Tony Porter: A call to men

Tony Porter: Poziv muškarcima

Filmed:
3,010,230 views

Na događaju TEDWomen, Tony Porter poziva sve muškarce: Nemojte se "ponašati kao muškarac". Pričajući snažne priče iz svog života, on pokazuje kako ovaj mentalitet, usađen u tolike muškarce i dječake, može dovesti do nepoštivanja, maltretiranja i nasilja nad ženama i drugim muškarcima. Njegovo rješenje: oslobodite se "muške kutije".
- Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:15
I grewrastao up in NewNovi YorkYork CityGrad,
0
0
3000
Odrastao sam u New Yorku,
00:18
betweenizmeđu HarlemHarlem and the BronxBronx.
1
3000
2000
imeđu Harlema i Bronxa.
00:20
GrowingUzgoj up as a boydječak, we were taughtučio
2
5000
2000
Dok sam rastao, učili su nas
00:22
that menmuškarci had to be toughtvrd, had to be strongjak,
3
7000
2000
da muškarci moraju biti tvrdi, moraju biti jaki,
00:24
had to be courageoushrabar, dominatingdominira --
4
9000
3000
moraju biti hrabri, dominantni --
00:27
no painbol, no emotionsemocije,
5
12000
2000
bez bola, bez emocija,
00:29
with the exceptionizuzetak of angerbijes --
6
14000
2000
s izuzetkom srdžbe --
00:31
and definitelydefinitivno no fearstrah;
7
16000
2000
i definitivno bez straha --
00:33
that menmuškarci are in chargenaplatiti,
8
18000
2000
da su muškarci glavni,
00:35
whichkoji meanssredstva womenžene are not;
9
20000
2000
što znači da žene nisu;
00:37
that menmuškarci leaddovesti,
10
22000
2000
da muškarci vode,
00:39
and you should just followslijediti and do what we say;
11
24000
3000
a vi biste trebale samo slijediti i raditi kako mi kažemo;
00:42
that menmuškarci are superiorsuperioran; womenžene are inferiorslabije;
12
27000
3000
da su muškarci superiorni, žene su inferiorne;
00:45
that menmuškarci are strongjak; womenžene are weakslab;
13
30000
3000
da su muškarci snažni, žene su slabe;
00:48
that womenžene are of lessmanje valuevrijednost,
14
33000
3000
da žene vrijede manje --
00:51
propertysvojstvo of menmuškarci,
15
36000
2000
vlasništvo su muškaraca --
00:53
and objectsobjekti,
16
38000
2000
one su i objekti,
00:55
particularlynaročito sexualseksualan objectsobjekti.
17
40000
3000
naročito seksualni objekti.
00:58
I've laterkasnije come to know that to be
18
43000
3000
Kasnije sam doznao da je to
01:01
the collectivekolektivan socializationsocijalizacija of menmuškarci,
19
46000
3000
kolektivna muška socijalizacija,
01:04
better knownznan
20
49000
2000
poznatija kao
01:06
as the "man boxkutija."
21
51000
2000
„muška kutija“.
01:08
See this man boxkutija has in it
22
53000
2000
Vidite, muška kutija u sebi sadrži
01:10
all the ingredientsSastojci
23
55000
2000
sve sastojke
01:12
of how we definedefinirati what it meanssredstva to be a man.
24
57000
2000
onoga čime definiramo što to znači biti muškarac.
01:14
Now I alsotakođer want to say, withoutbez a doubtsumnjati,
25
59000
2000
Također želim reći, bez dvojbe,
01:16
there are some wonderfulpredivan, wonderfulpredivan,
26
61000
2000
da postoje i divne, divne,
01:18
absolutelyapsolutno wonderfulpredivan things
27
63000
2000
apsolutno divne stvari
01:20
about beingbiće a man.
28
65000
2000
kad ste muškarac.
01:22
But at the sameisti time,
29
67000
2000
Ali istovremeno,
01:24
there's some stuffstvari
30
69000
2000
postoje i one
01:26
that's just straightravno up twisteduvrnut,
31
71000
2000
koje su naprosto uvrnute.
01:28
and we really need to beginpočeti
32
73000
2000
I zaista ih moramo početi
01:30
to challengeizazov, look at it
33
75000
2000
izazivati, promatrati
01:32
and really get in the processpostupak
34
77000
2000
i stvarno se upustiti u proces
01:34
of deconstructingdekonstrukcije, redefiningredefiniranje,
35
79000
3000
dekonstrukcije, redefiniranja,
01:37
what we come to know as manhoodmuškost.
36
82000
3000
onoga što danas znamo kao muškost.
01:41
This is my two at home, KendallKendall and JayJay.
37
86000
2000
Ovo su moje dvoje djece, Kendall i Jay.
01:43
They're 11 and 12.
38
88000
2000
Imaju 11 i 12 godina.
01:45
Kendall'sKendall's 15 monthsmjeseci olderstariji than JayJay.
39
90000
2000
Kendall je 15 mjeseci stariji od Jaya.
01:47
There was a periodrazdoblje of time when my wifežena -- her nameime is TammieTammie -- and I,
40
92000
3000
Postojalo je vrijeme kad smo supruga, zove se Tammie, i ja,
01:50
we just got realstvaran busyzauzet and whipbič, bambam, boomuspon:
41
95000
2000
bili jako zaposleni i fiju, bam, bum:
01:52
KendallKendall and JayJay.
42
97000
2000
Kendall i Jay.
01:54
(LaughterSmijeh)
43
99000
2000
(Smijeh)
01:56
And when they were about fivepet and sixšest,
44
101000
2000
Kad su bili oko pet i šest godina,
01:58
fourčetiri and fivepet,
45
103000
2000
četiri i pet,
02:00
JayJay could come to me,
46
105000
2000
Jay bi mi došla,
02:02
come to me cryingplakati.
47
107000
2000
prišla mi plačući.
02:04
It didn't matterstvar what she was cryingplakati about,
48
109000
2000
Nije bilo bitno zbog čega je plakala,
02:06
she could get on my kneekoljeno, she could snotBale my sleeverukav up,
49
111000
2000
mogla mi je sjesti na koljena, zabalaviti mi rukav,
02:08
just cryplakati, cryplakati it out.
50
113000
2000
i naprosto se isplakati.
02:10
Daddy'sTata je got you. That's all that's importantvažno.
51
115000
3000
Tata pazi na tebe. To je sve što je važno.
02:13
Now KendallKendall on the other handruka --
52
118000
2000
S druge strane, Kendall --
02:15
and like I said, he's only 15 monthsmjeseci olderstariji than her --
53
120000
3000
i kao što sam rekao, samo je 15 mjeseci stariji od nje --
02:18
he'don bi come to me cryingplakati,
54
123000
2000
bi mi došao u suzama,
02:20
it's like as soonuskoro as I would hearčuti him cryplakati,
55
125000
2000
i istoga trena kad bih ga čuo da plače,
02:22
a clocksat would go off.
56
127000
2000
uključio bi se alarm.
02:24
I would give the boydječak probablyvjerojatno about 30 secondssekundi,
57
129000
3000
Dao bih dječaku vjerojatno oko 30 sekundi,
02:27
whichkoji meanssredstva, by the time he got to me,
58
132000
3000
što znači da sam, dok bi mi prišao,
02:30
I was alreadyveć sayingizreka things like, "Why are you cryingplakati?
59
135000
2000
već govorio stvari poput, „Zašto plačeš?
02:32
HoldDržite your headglava up. Look at me.
60
137000
3000
Podigni glavu. Pogledaj me.
02:35
ExplainObjasniti to me what's wrongpogrešno.
61
140000
2000
Objasni mi što nije u redu.
02:37
Tell me what's wrongpogrešno. I can't understandrazumjeti you.
62
142000
2000
Reci mi što nije u redu. Ne razumijem te.
02:39
Why are you cryingplakati?"
63
144000
2000
Zašto plačeš?"
02:41
And out of my ownvlastiti frustrationfrustracija
64
146000
2000
I zbog moje vlastite frustracije
02:43
of my roleuloga and responsibilityodgovornost
65
148000
2000
moje uloge i odgovornosti
02:45
of buildingzgrada him up as a man
66
150000
2000
da ga izgradim kao muškarca
02:47
to fitodgovara into these guidelinessmjernice
67
152000
2000
da ga uklopim u pravila
02:49
and these structuresstrukture that are definingdefiniranje this man boxkutija,
68
154000
3000
i one strukture koje definiraju mušku kutiju,
02:52
I would find myselfsebe sayingizreka things like,
69
157000
2000
zatekao bih se kako govorim stvari poput,
02:54
"Just go in your roomsoba.
70
159000
2000
"Samo idi u svoju sobu.
02:56
Just go on, go on in your roomsoba.
71
161000
2000
Samo idi, idi u svoju sobu.
02:58
SitSjediti down,
72
163000
2000
Sjedi,
03:00
get yourselfsami togetherzajedno
73
165000
2000
priberi se
03:02
and come back and talk to me
74
167000
2000
i tad se vrati da pričamo
03:04
when you can talk to me like a --" what?
75
169000
2000
kad budeš mogao sa mnom pričati kao --" Što?
03:06
(AudiencePublika: Man.)
76
171000
2000
(Publika: Muškarac.)
03:08
Like a man.
77
173000
2000
"Kao muškarac."
03:10
And he's fivepet yearsgodina oldstar.
78
175000
2000
A on ima pet godina.
03:12
And as I growrasti in life,
79
177000
2000
I, kako se razvijam u životu,
03:14
I would say to myselfsebe,
80
179000
2000
govorim si,
03:16
"My God, what's wrongpogrešno with me?
81
181000
2000
"Zaboga, što je to sa mnom?
03:18
What am I doing? Why would I do this?"
82
183000
3000
Što to radim? Zašto bih to učinio?"
03:21
And I think back.
83
186000
2000
I sjećam se.
03:23
I think back to my fatherotac.
84
188000
3000
Sjećam se svog oca.
03:26
There was a time in my life
85
191000
2000
Postojalo je vrijeme u mom životu
03:28
where we had a very troubledproblematičan experienceiskustvo in our familyobitelj.
86
193000
3000
kad smo u obitelji prolazili teško iskustvo.
03:31
My brotherbrat, HenryHenry, he diedumro tragicallytragično
87
196000
2000
Moj brat Henry je tragično poginuo
03:33
when we were teenagerstinejdžeri.
88
198000
2000
kad smo bili adolescenti.
03:35
We livedživjeli in NewNovi YorkYork CityGrad, as I said.
89
200000
2000
Živjeli smo u New Yorku, kao što sam rekao.
03:37
We livedživjeli in the BronxBronx at the time,
90
202000
3000
Živjeli smo u to vrijeme u Bronxu.
03:40
and the burialpokop was in a placemjesto calledzvao Long IslandOtok,
91
205000
3000
Pogreb se održao na mjestu zvanom Long Island,
03:43
it was about two hourssati outsideizvan of the cityGrad.
92
208000
3000
na neka dva sata od grada.
03:46
And as we were preparingpripremi
93
211000
2000
I dok smo se spremali
03:48
to come back from the burialpokop,
94
213000
2000
na povratak s pogreba,
03:50
the carsautomobili stoppedprestao at the bathroomkupaonica
95
215000
2000
automobili su se zaustavili kod toaleta
03:52
to let folksljudi take carebriga of themselvesse
96
217000
2000
da ljubi obave što trebaju
03:54
before the long ridevožnja back to the cityGrad.
97
219000
2000
prije duge vožnje do grada.
03:56
And the limousinelimuzina emptiesprazni out.
98
221000
2000
Limuzina se ispraznila.
03:58
My mothermajka, my sistersestra, my auntieTeta, they all get out,
99
223000
2000
Moja mati, sestra, tetka, sve su izišle,
04:00
but my fatherotac and I stayedostao in the limousinelimuzina,
100
225000
3000
ali smo otac i ja ostali u limuzini.
04:03
and no soonerprije than the womenžene got out,
101
228000
3000
I tek što su žene izišle,
04:06
he burstprasak out cryingplakati.
102
231000
3000
on se rasplakao.
04:09
He didn't want cryplakati in frontispred of me,
103
234000
2000
Nije želio plakati preda mnom.
04:11
but he knewznao he wasn'tnije going to make it back to the cityGrad,
104
236000
3000
Ali je znao da neće izdržati do grada,
04:14
and it was better me than to allowdopustiti himselfsam
105
239000
2000
pa je bilo bolje preda mnom nego da si dopusti
04:16
to expressizraziti these feelingsosjećaji and emotionsemocije in frontispred of the womenžene.
106
241000
3000
pokazati osjećaje i emocije pred ženama.
04:19
And this is a man
107
244000
2000
A to je čovjek
04:21
who, 10 minutesminuta agoprije,
108
246000
2000
koji je samo 10 minuta ranije
04:23
had just put his teenagetinejdžerski sonsin
109
248000
2000
svog mladog sina položio
04:25
in the groundtlo --
110
250000
2000
u zemlju --
04:27
something I just can't even imaginezamisliti.
111
252000
3000
nešto što si ja uopće ne mogu zamisliti.
04:32
The thing that sticksštapići with me the mostnajviše
112
257000
2000
Ono što najviše pamtim
04:34
is that he was apologizingse ispričati to me
113
259000
3000
je da mi se ispričavao
04:37
for cryingplakati in frontispred of me,
114
262000
2000
što plače preda mnom.
04:39
and at the sameisti time, he was alsotakođer givingdavanje me propsrekvizite,
115
264000
3000
I u isto vrijeme, pohvaljivao me,
04:42
liftingpodizanje me up,
116
267000
2000
dizao mi moral,
04:44
for not cryingplakati.
117
269000
2000
zato što ja ne plačem.
04:46
I come to alsotakođer look at this
118
271000
3000
Na ovo također gledam kao na
04:49
as this fearstrah that we have as menmuškarci,
119
274000
2000
strah što ga imamo kao muškarci,
04:51
this fearstrah that just has us paralyzedoduzet,
120
276000
2000
strah koji nas naprosto paralizira,
04:53
holdingdržanje us hostagetalac
121
278000
2000
i čini nas taocima
04:55
to this man boxkutija.
122
280000
2000
one muške kutije.
04:57
I can rememberzapamtiti speakinggovor
123
282000
2000
Sjećam se razgovora
04:59
to a 12-year-old-godinu star boydječak, a footballnogomet playerigrač,
124
284000
2000
s dvanaestogodišnjakom, igračem nogometa,
05:01
and I askedpitao him, I said,
125
286000
2000
i upitao sam ga, rekao,
05:03
"How would you feel if,
126
288000
2000
"Kako bi se osjećao da ti,
05:05
in frontispred of all the playersigrači,
127
290000
2000
pred svim igračima,
05:07
your coachtrener told you you were playingigranje like a girldjevojka?"
128
292000
3000
trener kaže da igraš poput djevojčice?"
05:10
Now I expectedočekuje se him to say something like,
129
295000
2000
Očekivao sam da će odgovoriti nešto poput,
05:12
I'd be sadtužan; I'd be madlud; I'd be angryljut, or something like that.
130
297000
2000
bio bih tužan, bio bih bijesan, ljutit ili nešto slično.
05:14
No, the boydječak said to me --
131
299000
2000
Ne, dečko mi je rekao --
05:16
the boydječak said to me,
132
301000
2000
dečko mi je rekao,
05:18
"It would destroyuništiti me."
133
303000
3000
"To bi me uništilo."
05:21
And I said to myselfsebe,
134
306000
3000
A ja rekoh sebi,
05:24
"God, if it would destroyuništiti him
135
309000
2000
"Bože, ako bi ga uništilo
05:26
to be calledzvao a girldjevojka,
136
311000
2000
to da ga nazovu djevojčicom,
05:28
what are we then teachingnastava him
137
313000
3000
što ga mi to onda učimo
05:31
about girlsdjevojke?"
138
316000
3000
o djevojčicama?"
05:34
(ApplausePljesak)
139
319000
4000
(Pljesak)
05:38
It tookuzeo me back to a time
140
323000
2000
To me podsjetilo na vrijeme
05:40
when I was about 12 yearsgodina oldstar.
141
325000
3000
kada sam ja imao 12 godina.
05:43
I grewrastao up in tenementoronula buildingsgrađevine in the innerunutrašnji cityGrad.
142
328000
3000
Odrastao sam u zgradi u središtu grada.
05:46
At this time we're livingživot in the BronxBronx,
143
331000
2000
U to doba živjeli smo u Bronxu.
05:48
and in the buildingzgrada nextSljedeći to where I livedživjeli there was a guy namedpod nazivom JohnnyJohnny.
144
333000
3000
I u zgradi do moje živio je tip po imenu Johnny.
05:51
He was about 16 yearsgodina oldstar,
145
336000
2000
Imao je oko 16 godina,
05:53
and we were all about 12 yearsgodina oldstar -- youngermlađi guys.
146
338000
2000
a mi smo svi bili oko 12 – mlađi dečki.
05:55
And he was hangingvješanje out with all us youngermlađi guys.
147
340000
2000
On je visio sa svima nama mlađima.
05:57
And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.
148
342000
2000
Taj tip je često upadao u nevolje.
05:59
He was the kindljubazan of kiddijete who parentsroditelji would have to wonderčudo,
149
344000
2000
Bio je od one vrste za koju se roditelji moraju zapitati,
06:01
"What is this 16-year-old-godinu star boydječak doing with these 12-year-old-godinu star boysdječaci?"
150
346000
3000
"Što taj šesnaestogodišnjak radi sa svim tim dvanaestogodišnjacima?"
06:04
And he did spendprovesti a lot of time up to no good.
151
349000
2000
A radio je puno loših stvari.
06:06
He was a troubledproblematičan kiddijete.
152
351000
2000
Imao je problema.
06:08
His mothermajka had diedumro from a heroinheroina overdosePredoziranje.
153
353000
2000
Majka mu je umrla od predoziranja heroinom.
06:10
He was beingbiće raiseduzdignut by his grandmotherbaka.
154
355000
2000
Odgajala ga je baka.
06:12
His fatherotac wasn'tnije on the setset.
155
357000
2000
Oca nije bilo.
06:14
His grandmotherbaka had two jobsposlovi.
156
359000
2000
Baka je radila dva posla.
06:16
He was home alonesam a lot.
157
361000
2000
Puno je bio sam kod kuće.
06:18
But I've got to tell you, we youngmladi guys,
158
363000
2000
Ali moram vam reći, nama mlađim dečkima,
06:20
we lookedgledao up to this dudeStari, man.
159
365000
2000
predstavljao je uzor.
06:22
He was coolsvjež. He was fine.
160
367000
3000
Bio je cool. Bio je OK.
06:25
That's what the sisterssestre said, "He was fine."
161
370000
3000
To su sestre govorile, „On je OK."
06:28
He was havingima sexseks.
162
373000
2000
Seksao se.
06:30
We all lookedgledao up to him.
163
375000
2000
Svi smo se ugledali na njega.
06:32
So one day, I'm out in frontispred of the housekuća doing something --
164
377000
2000
Jednog dana, nalazim se ispred kuće i nešto radim --
06:34
just playingigranje around, doing something -- I don't know what.
165
379000
3000
samo se zezam, nešto radim – ne znam što.
06:37
He looksizgled out his windowprozor; he callspozivi me upstairsna katu; he said, "Hey AnthonyAnthony."
166
382000
2000
On proviri kroz prozor, pozove me gore i kaže, „Hej, Anthony."
06:39
They calledzvao me AnthonyAnthony growingrastući up as a kiddijete.
167
384000
2000
Dok sam odrastao, zvali su me Anthony.
06:41
"Hey AnthonyAnthony, come on upstairsna katu."
168
386000
2000
"Hej, Anthony, dođi gore."
06:43
JohnnyJohnny call, you go.
169
388000
2000
Kad Johnny zove, vi idete.
06:45
So I runtrčanje right upstairsna katu.
170
390000
2000
Pa sam se ustrčao na kat.
06:47
As he opensotvara the doorvrata, he sayskaže to me, "Do you want some?"
171
392000
3000
Otvorio je vrata i rekao mi, „Hoćeš malo?"
06:50
Now I immediatelyodmah knewznao what he meantznačilo.
172
395000
2000
Odmah sam znao na što misli.
06:52
Because for me growingrastući up at that time,
173
397000
2000
Za mene je, u odrastanju,
06:54
and our relationshipodnos with this man boxkutija,
174
399000
2000
a i zbog naše povezanosti s muškom kutijom,
06:56
"Do you want some?" meantznačilo one of two things:
175
401000
2000
hoćeš li malo moglo značiti jednu od dvije stvari,
06:58
sexseks or drugslijekovi --
176
403000
2000
seksa ili droge --
07:00
and we weren'tnisu doing drugslijekovi.
177
405000
2000
a mi nismo konzumirali drogu.
07:02
Now my boxkutija, my cardkartica,
178
407000
2000
No, moja kutija, kartica,
07:04
my man boxkutija cardkartica,
179
409000
2000
kartica muške kutije,
07:06
was immediatelyodmah in jeopardyopasnosti.
180
411000
2000
smjesta se osjetila ugroženom.
07:08
Two things: One, I never had sexseks.
181
413000
3000
Dvije stvari: Prvo, nikad se nisam seksao.
07:11
We don't talk about that as menmuškarci.
182
416000
2000
O tome mi muškarci ne razgovaramo.
07:13
You only tell your dearestnajdraža, closestnajbliže friendprijatelj, swornpoložio zakletvu to secrecytajnost for life,
183
418000
3000
Kažete samo svom najdražem, najbližem prijatelji, zakletom na tajnost do kraja života,
07:16
the first time you had sexseks.
184
421000
2000
za prvi puta kada ste probali seks.
07:18
For everybodysvi elsedrugo, we go around like we'veimamo been havingima sexseks sinceod we were two.
185
423000
3000
Što se svakog drugog tiče, hodamo uokolo kao da se seksamo od svoje druge godine.
07:21
There ain'tnije no first time.
186
426000
2000
Nema prvog puta.
07:23
(LaughterSmijeh)
187
428000
3000
(Smijeh)
07:26
The other thing I couldn'tne mogu tell him is that I didn't want any.
188
431000
2000
Druga stvar koju mu nisam mogao reći je ta da i ne želim.
07:28
That's even worsegore. We're supposedtrebala to always be on the prowlugurati se.
189
433000
3000
To je još gore. Od nas se očekuje da smo uvijek u lovu.
07:31
WomenŽene are objectsobjekti,
190
436000
2000
Žene su objekti,
07:33
especiallyposebno sexualseksualan objectsobjekti.
191
438000
2000
posebno seksualni objekti.
07:35
AnywayU svakom slučaju, so I couldn'tne mogu tell him any of that.
192
440000
2000
Bilo kako bilo, ništa od toga mu nisam mogao reći.
07:37
So, like my mothermajka would say, make a long storypriča shortkratak,
193
442000
2000
Pa sam, kao što bi moja majka rekla, skratio priču.
07:39
I just simplyjednostavno said to JohnnyJohnny, "Yes."
194
444000
2000
Jednostavno sam rekao Johnnyju, „Da.“
07:41
He told me to go in his roomsoba.
195
446000
2000
Rekao mi je da uđem u njegovu sobu.
07:43
I go in his roomsoba. On his bedkrevet is a girldjevojka from the neighborhoodsusjedstvo namedpod nazivom SheilaSheila.
196
448000
3000
Ulazim u sobu. Na krevetu je djevojka iz susjedstva po imenu Sheila.
07:46
She's 16 yearsgodina oldstar.
197
451000
2000
Ona ima 16 godina.
07:48
She's nudeakt.
198
453000
2000
Gola je.
07:50
She's what I know todaydanas to be mentallymentalno illbolestan,
199
455000
2000
Ona je, što danas znam, duševno bolesna,
07:52
higher-functioningveće funkcionalne at timesputa than othersdrugi.
200
457000
3000
povremeno reagira jače od ostalih.
07:55
We had a wholečitav choiceizbor of inappropriateneprikladan namesimena for her.
201
460000
3000
Imali smo za nju brojna neprikladna imena.
07:59
AnywayU svakom slučaju, JohnnyJohnny had just gottendobivši throughkroz havingima sexseks with her.
202
464000
3000
No, Johnny je upravo imao snošaj s njom.
08:02
Well actuallyzapravo, he rapedsilovan her, but he would say he had sexseks with her.
203
467000
3000
Zapravo, silovao ju je, ali bi on rekao da se seksao s njom.
08:05
Because, while SheilaSheila never said no,
204
470000
3000
Jer, premda Sheila nikada nije rekla ne,
08:08
she alsotakođer never said yes.
205
473000
2000
također nikada nije ni rekla da.
08:10
So he was offeringponuda me the opportunityprilika to do the sameisti.
206
475000
2000
Pa mi je on pružao priliku da učinim isto.
08:12
So when I go in the roomsoba, I closeblizu the doorvrata.
207
477000
3000
Pa kad sam ušao u sobu, zatvorio sam vrata.
08:15
FolksLjudi, I'm petrifiedokamenjen.
208
480000
2000
Ljudi, skamenio sam se.
08:17
I standstajati with my back to the doorvrata so JohnnyJohnny can't bustpoprsje in the roomsoba
209
482000
2000
Stojim leđima oslonjen na vrata kako Johnny ne bi mogao upasti u sobu
08:19
and see that I'm not doing anything,
210
484000
2000
i vidjeti da ništa ne radim.
08:21
and I standstajati there long enoughdovoljno that I could have actuallyzapravo doneučinio something.
211
486000
3000
I stojim ondje dovoljno dugo da sam zapravo stigao nešto i učiniti.
08:24
So now I'm no longerviše tryingtežak to figurelik out what I'm going to do;
212
489000
2000
Sad više ne pokušavam odrediti što mi je činiti,
08:26
I'm tryingtežak to figurelik out how I'm going to get out of this roomsoba.
213
491000
3000
Pokušavam shvatiti kako ću izići iz ove sobe.
08:29
So in my 12 yearsgodina of wisdommudrost,
214
494000
2000
I, sa svojih 12 godina iskustva,
08:31
I zipzip my pantshlače down,
215
496000
2000
raskopčavam hlače,
08:33
I walkhodati out into the roomsoba,
216
498000
2000
izlazim iz sobe.
08:35
and logle and beholdpogledati to me,
217
500000
2000
Na moje iznenađenje,
08:37
while I was in the roomsoba with SheilaSheila,
218
502000
2000
dok sam bio u sobi sa Sheilom,
08:39
JohnnyJohnny was back at the windowprozor callingzvanje guys up.
219
504000
3000
Johnny je s prozora pozvao dečke gore.
08:42
So now there's a livingživot roomsoba fullpuni of guys.
220
507000
2000
Pa je sada dnevna soba puna dečkiju.
08:44
It was like the waitingčekanje roomsoba in the doctor'sliječnika officeured.
221
509000
3000
Izgledalo je poput liječničke čekaonice.
08:47
And they askedpitao me how was it,
222
512000
2000
I pitaju me kako je bilo.
08:49
and I say to them, "It was good,"
223
514000
3000
A ja im kažem, „Dobro."
08:52
and I zipzip my pantshlače up in frontispred of them,
224
517000
2000
I zakopčavam hlače pred njima,
08:54
and I headglava for the doorvrata.
225
519000
2000
i idem k vratima.
08:56
Now I say this all with remorsežaljenje,
226
521000
2000
Pričam sve ovo s kajanjem,
08:58
and I was feelingosjećaj a tremendousogroman amountiznos of remorsežaljenje at that time,
227
523000
2000
i osjećao sam strahovito kajanje i u ono vrijeme,
09:00
but I was conflictedu sukobu, because, while I was feelingosjećaj remorsežaljenje, I was exciteduzbuđen,
228
525000
3000
ali sam bio u sukobu sa sobom, jer, uz kajanje, bio sam i oduševljen,
09:03
because I didn't get caughtzatečen.
229
528000
2000
jer me nisu uhvatili,
09:05
But I knewznao I feltosjećala badloše about what was happeningdogađa.
230
530000
2000
ali znam da sam se osjećao loše zbog tog što se dogodilo.
09:07
This fearstrah, gettinguzimajući outsideizvan the man boxkutija,
231
532000
3000
Taj strah da napustite mušku kutiju
09:10
totallypotpuno envelopedobavijen me.
232
535000
2000
potpuno me zarobio.
09:12
It was way more importantvažno to me,
233
537000
2000
Bio mi je puno važniji,
09:14
about me and my man boxkutija cardkartica
234
539000
3000
usredotočenost na sebe i moju mušku kutiju,
09:17
than about SheilaSheila
235
542000
2000
nego Sheila
09:19
and what was happeningdogađa to her.
236
544000
2000
i ono što se događalo njoj.
09:21
See collectivelykolektivno, we as menmuškarci
237
546000
2000
Vidite, kolektivno, mi smo kao muškarci
09:23
are taughtučio to have lessmanje valuevrijednost in womenžene,
238
548000
2000
naučeni da u ženama vidimo manju vrijednost,
09:25
to viewpogled them as propertysvojstvo and the objectsobjekti of menmuškarci.
239
550000
3000
da ih vidimo kao vlasništvo i objekte muškaraca.
09:28
We see that as an equationjednadžba that equalsjednak violencenasilje againstprotiv womenžene.
240
553000
3000
To vidimo kao jednadžbu koja je jednaka nasilju nad ženama.
09:31
We as menmuškarci, good menmuškarci,
241
556000
2000
Mi kao muškarci, dobri muškarci,
09:33
the largeveliki majorityvećina of menmuškarci,
242
558000
2000
velika većina muškaraca,
09:35
we operateraditi on the foundationtemelj
243
560000
2000
funkcioniramo na temeljima
09:37
of this wholečitav collectivekolektivan socializationsocijalizacija.
244
562000
2000
čitave te kolektivne socijalizacije.
09:39
We kindljubazan of see ourselvessebe separateodvojen, but we're very much a partdio of it.
245
564000
3000
Mi sebe vidimo kao nešto zasebno, ali smo uvelike dio toga.
09:42
You see, we have to come to understandrazumjeti
246
567000
3000
Vidite, moramo spoznati
09:45
that lessmanje valuevrijednost, propertysvojstvo and objectificationobjektivacije is the foundationtemelj
247
570000
3000
da su manja vrijednost, vlasništvo i objektivizacija temelji
09:48
and the violencenasilje can't happendogoditi se withoutbez it.
248
573000
2000
i da se bez njih nasilje ne može dogoditi.
09:50
So we're very much a partdio of the solutionriješenje
249
575000
3000
Tako smo u velikoj mjeri dio rješenja
09:53
as well as the problemproblem.
250
578000
2000
kao što smo i dio problema.
09:55
The centercentar for diseasebolest controlkontrolirati sayskaže
251
580000
2000
Centar za kontrolu bolesti kaže
09:57
that men'smuška violencenasilje againstprotiv womenžene is at epidemicepidemija proportionsproporcije,
252
582000
3000
da je nasilje muškaraca nad ženama poprimilo epidemijske razmjere,
10:00
is the numberbroj one healthzdravlje concernbriga for womenžene
253
585000
2000
i predstavlja zdravstveni problem žena broj jedan
10:02
in this countryzemlja and abroadu inozemstvu.
254
587000
2000
u ovoj zemlji i u inozemstvu.
10:04
So quicklybrzo, I'd like to just say,
255
589000
3000
Pa bih, kratko, želio samo reći,
10:07
this is the love of my life, my daughterkći JayJay.
256
592000
3000
ovo je ljubav moga života, moja kćerka Jay.
10:10
The worldsvijet I envisionpredvidjeti for her --
257
595000
2000
U svijetu koji ja zamišljam za nju,
10:12
how do I want menmuškarci to be actinggluma and behavingse ponašaju?
258
597000
2000
kako želim da muškarci postupaju i ponašaju se?
10:14
I need you on boardodbor. I need you with me.
259
599000
2000
Trebam vas u tome. Trebam vas sa mnom.
10:16
I need you workingrad with me and me workingrad with you
260
601000
3000
Trebam da surađujete sa mnom i da ja surađujem s vama
10:19
on how we raisepodići our sonssinovi
261
604000
2000
u pogledu toga kako odgajamo sinove
10:21
and teachučiti them to be menmuškarci --
262
606000
2000
i učimo ih muškosti --
10:23
that it's okay to not be dominatingdominira,
263
608000
2000
da je u redu ako ne dominirate,
10:25
that it's okay to have feelingsosjećaji and emotionsemocije,
264
610000
3000
da je u redu imati osjećaje i emocije,
10:28
that it's okay to promoteunaprijediti equalityjednakost,
265
613000
2000
da je u redu zagovarati jednakost,
10:30
that it's okay to have womenžene who are just friendsprijatelji and that's it,
266
615000
3000
da je u redu biti samo prijatelj sa ženama i ništa više,
10:33
that it's okay to be wholečitav,
267
618000
2000
da je u redu biti cjelovit,
10:35
that my liberationoslobođenje as a man
268
620000
3000
da je moja muška sloboda
10:38
is tiedvezan to your liberationoslobođenje as a womanžena. (ApplausePljesak)
269
623000
3000
vezana za vašu žensku slobodu.
10:41
I rememberzapamtiti askingtraži a nine-year-olddevet-godina-star boydječak,
270
626000
3000
Sjećam se da sam pitao jednog devetogodišnjaka.
10:44
I askedpitao a nine-year-olddevet-godina-star boydječak,
271
629000
3000
Pitao sam devetogodišnjaka,
10:47
"What would life be like for you,
272
632000
2000
"Kakav bi život vodio,
10:49
if you didn't have to adhereu skladu to this man boxkutija?"
273
634000
2000
da se ne moraš pridržavati pravila muške kutije?"
10:51
He said to me, "I would be freebesplatno."
274
636000
2000
Rekao mi je, „Bio bih slobodan."
10:53
Thank you folksljudi.
275
638000
2000
Hvala vam, ljudi.
10:55
(ApplausePljesak)
276
640000
12000
(Pljesak)
Translated by Davorin Jelačić
Reviewed by Tilen Pigac - EFZG

▲Back to top

ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.

Why you should listen

Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”

Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.  

He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.  

He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”

Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.  


More profile about the speaker
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com