ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.

Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speaker
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxBrighton

Colin Grant: How our stories cross over

Colin Grant: Sin zahtjevnog oca

Filmed:
933,193 views

Colin Grant proveo je cijeli život u potrazi za emocionalnom ravnotežom između očeva svijeta i vlastitog. Rođen je u Engleskoj, a jamajčanskog je podrijetla. U ovom govoru Grant priča o iskustvima koji su zajednički svim članovima njegove imigracijske zajednice te se osvrće na to kako je smogao snage oprostiti ocu koji ga je odbacio.
- Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
This is a photographfotografirati
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Ovo je fotografija
00:14
of a man whomkome for manymnogi yearsgodina
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čovjeka čije sam ubojstvo
00:17
I plottediscrtati to killubiti.
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godinama planirao.
00:21
This is my fatherotac,
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To je moj otac.
00:24
ClintonClinton GeorgeGeorge "BageyeBageye" GrantGrant.
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Clinton George "Podočnjak" Grant.
00:27
He's calledzvao BageyeBageye because he has
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Zovu ga "Podočnjak" jer ima
00:30
permanenttrajan bagsvrećice underpod his eyesoči.
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trajne vrećice ispod očiju.
00:34
As a 10-year-old-godinu star, alonguz with my siblingsbraća i sestre,
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Kao desetogodišnjak,
s braćom i sestrama,
00:37
I dreamtsanjao of scrapingstruganje off the poisonOtrov
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maštao sam kako ću mu ubaciti
00:41
from fly-killerletjeti-ubojica paperpapir into his coffeekava,
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otrov za muhe u kavu,
00:45
groundedosnovan down glassstaklo and sprinklingnatapanje kišnicom it
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samljeti ga čašom
00:47
over his breakfastdoručak,
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i posuti mu ga po doručku.
00:50
looseningpopuštanja the carpettepih on the stairsstepenice
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Kako ću olabaviti tepih
00:51
so he would tripputovanje and breakpauza his neckvrat.
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na stepenicama
da se spotakne i slomi vrat.
00:55
But come the day, he would always
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Ali kad bi došao dan D, on bi
00:57
skippreskočiti that looselabav stepkorak,
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svaki put preskočio tu stepenicu,
00:59
he would always bownakloniti se out of the housekuća
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izletio iz kuće
01:01
withoutbez so much as a swiggutljaj of coffeekava
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bez gutljaja kave
01:03
or a bitegristi to eatjesti.
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ili komadića doručka.
01:05
And so for manymnogi yearsgodina,
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Tolikih godina
01:07
I fearedbojao that my fatherotac would dieumrijeti
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strahovao sam da će umrijeti
01:09
before I had a chanceprilika to killubiti him.
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prije no što ga stignem ubiti.
01:11
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
01:15
Up untildo our mothermajka askedpitao him to leavenapustiti
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Sve dok mu majka nije rekla da ode
01:18
and not come back,
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i da se ne vraća,
01:20
BageyeBageye had been a terrifyingzastrašujući ogreOgra.
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Podočnjak je bio zastrašujuća zvijer.
01:24
He teeteredteetered permanentlytrajno on the vergegraničiti se of ragebijes,
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Uvijek je bio na rubu bijesa,
01:28
ratherradije like me, as you see.
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poput mene, kao što možete vidjeti.
01:31
He workedradio nightsnoću at VauxhallVauxhall MotorsMotori in LutonLuton
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Radio je noću u Vauxhall Motorsu u Lutonu
01:35
and demandedzahtijevao totalukupno silencetišina throughoutkroz the housekuća,
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i zahtijevao potpunu tišinu u kući,
01:38
so that when we camedošao home from schoolškola
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pa kad bismo došli kući iz škole
01:40
at 3:30 in the afternoonposlijepodne, we would huddlegomila
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u 15:30, sklupčali bismo se
01:42
besidepokraj the TVTV, and ratherradije like safe-crackerssef-krekeri,
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pokraj TV-a
01:46
we would twiddlevrtjeti with the volumevolumen controlkontrolirati knobdugme
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i toliko stišali ton na TV-u
01:48
on the TVTV so it was almostskoro inaudiblenečujan.
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da ga je bilo gotovo nemoguće čuti.
01:51
And at timesputa, when we were like this,
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Ponekad kad bismo to radili,
01:53
so much "ShhhU redu," so much "ShhhU redu"
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toliko smo govorili "šššš",
toliko je "šššš-ova"
01:56
going on in the housekuća
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prolazilo kućom
01:58
that I imaginedzamislio us to be like
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da sam nas zamišljao poput
02:00
the Germannjemački crewposada of a U-boatPodmornica
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posade njemačke podmornice
02:03
creepingpuzanje alonguz the edgerub of the oceanokean
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koja se šulja rubom oceana
02:06
whilstdok up aboveiznad, on the surfacepovršinski,
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dok na površini
02:07
HMSHMS BageyeBageye patrolledrijetkim
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patrolira HMS Podočnjak,
02:11
readyspreman to droppad deathsmrt chargesnaknade
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spreman osuditi nas na smrt
02:13
at the first soundzvuk of any disturbanceporemećaj.
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i za najmanji nemir.
02:17
So that lessonlekcija was the lessonlekcija that
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Iz toga sam naučio ovo:
"Ne privlači pozornost na sebe
02:20
"Do not drawizvući attentionpažnja to yourselfsami
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02:22
eitherili in the home or outsideizvan of the home."
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ni kod kuće ni izvan nje."
02:24
Maybe it's a migrantputnik lessonlekcija.
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Možda je to migrantska lekcija.
02:27
We were to be belowispod the radarradar,
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Nikad se nije znalo za nas,
02:30
so there was no communicationkomunikacija, really,
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pa nije bilo komunikacije
02:31
betweenizmeđu BageyeBageye and us and us and BageyeBageye,
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između Podočnjaka i nas,
nas i Podočnjaka,
02:34
and the soundzvuk that we mostnajviše lookedgledao forwardnaprijed to,
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a zvuk kojemu se većina radovala,
02:37
you know when you're a childdijete and you want
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znate kad ste kao djeca jedva čekali
02:39
your fatherotac to come home
and it's all going to be happysretan
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da se tata vrati kući i sve će biti super
02:42
and you're waitingčekanje for that soundzvuk of the doorvrata openingotvor.
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i čekate zvuk otvaranja vrata.
02:44
Well the soundzvuk that we lookedgledao forwardnaprijed to
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Mi smo se radovali
02:45
was the clickklik of the doorvrata closingzatvaranje,
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zvuku zatvaranja vrata
02:47
whichkoji meantznačilo he'don bi goneotišao and would not come back.
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koji je značio da je otišao
i da se ne vraća.
02:52
So for threetri decadesdesetljeća,
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Tri desetljeća
02:55
I never laidlaid eyesoči on my fatherotac, norni he on me.
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nikad nisam pogledao oca, a ni on mene.
02:58
We never spokegovorio to eachsvaki other for threetri decadesdesetljeća,
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Nismo razgovarali tri desetljeća,
03:00
and then a couplepar of yearsgodina agoprije, I decidedodlučio
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a onda prije nekoliko godina odlučih
03:02
to turnskretanje the spotlightreflektor on him.
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na njega usmjeriti pozornost.
03:06
"You are beingbiće watchedgledao.
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"Gledaju te.
03:08
ActuallyZapravo, you are.
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Uistinu.
03:10
You are beingbiće watchedgledao."
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Gledaju te."
03:12
That was his mantramantra to us, his childrendjeca.
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To je on govorio nama, svojoj djeci.
03:15
Time and time again he would say this to us.
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Stalno je to govorio.
03:16
And this was the 1970s, it was LutonLuton,
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To je bilo 70-ih, u Lutonu
03:19
where he workedradio at VauxhallVauxhall MotorsMotori,
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gdje je radio u Vauxhall Motorsima
03:21
and he was a JamaicanJamajke.
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i bio je Jamajčanin.
03:23
And what he meantznačilo was,
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A pod tim je mislio
03:24
you as a childdijete of a JamaicanJamajke immigrantiseljenika
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da te kao dijete jamajčanskog imigranta
03:26
are beingbiće watchedgledao
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netko gleda
03:28
to see whichkoji way you turnskretanje, to see whetherda li
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da vidi kako ćeš ispasti,
03:30
you conformu skladu to the hostdomaćin nation'snacije stereotypestereotip of you,
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kako utjelovljuješ stereotipe,
03:34
of beingbiće fecklessslab, work-shyWork-Shy,
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kako si nemaran i lijen,
03:36
destinedpredodređen for a life of crimekriminal.
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predodređen za život kriminalca.
03:39
You are beingbiće watchedgledao,
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Gledaju te,
03:41
so confoundposrami theirnjihov expectationsočekivanja of you.
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pa ih potpuno zbuni.
03:45
To that endkraj, BageyeBageye and his friendsprijatelji,
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Zbog toga su Podočnjak
i njegovi prijatelji,
03:49
mostlyuglavnom JamaicanJamajke,
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uglavnom Jamajčani,
03:51
exhibitedizlagao a kindljubazan of JamaicanJamajke bellaBella figurafigura:
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živjeli po onoj jamajčanskoj:
03:55
TurnRed your bestnajbolje sidestrana to the worldsvijet,
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Pokaži svoju najbolju stranu svijetu,
03:57
showpokazati your bestnajbolje facelice to the worldsvijet.
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svoje najbolje lice.
04:00
If you have seenvidio some of the imagesslika
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Ako ste vidjeli neke slike
04:01
of the CaribbeanKaribi people arrivingkoji dolaze
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doseljenja Karibijaca
04:03
in the '40s and '50s,
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40-ih i 50-ih,
04:05
you mightmoć have noticedprimijetio that a lot of the menmuškarci
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možda ste uočili da
04:07
wearnositi trilbiestrilbies.
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puno muškaraca nosi šešire.
04:08
Now, there was no traditiontradicija
of wearingnošenje trilbiestrilbies in JamaicaJamajka.
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Takva tradicija nije
postojala na Jamajci.
04:12
They inventedizumio that traditiontradicija for theirnjihov arrivaldolazak here.
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Izmislili su je po dolasku.
04:15
They wanted to projectprojekt themselvesse in a way
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Htjeli su se zaštititi na način
04:17
that they wanted to be perceivedpercipiraju,
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da budu opaženi,
04:19
so that the way they lookedgledao
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pa ih je izgled
04:21
and the namesimena that they gavedali themselvesse
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i imena koja su davali sami sebi
04:23
defineddefiniran them.
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definirali.
04:25
So BageyeBageye is baldćelav and has baggyširoke eyesoči.
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Podočnjak je ćelav
i podočnjaci mu vise.
04:31
TidyUredan BootsČizme is very fussynemirno about his footwearobuća.
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"Uredne čizme" izbirljiv je oko obuće.
04:35
AnxiousZabrinuti is always anxiouszabrinuti.
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"Anksiozni" je uvijek nervozan.
04:37
ClockSat has one armruka longerviše than the other.
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"Sat" ima jednu dužu i jednu kraću ruku.
04:40
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
04:44
And my all-timesvih vremena favoriteljubimac was the
guy they calledzvao SummerwearSummerwear.
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I moj najdraži - "Ljetna Odjeća".
04:47
When SummerwearSummerwear camedošao to this countryzemlja
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Kad se gosp. Ljetna Odjeća doselio
04:49
from JamaicaJamajka in the earlyrano '60s, he insistedinzistirao
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s Jamajke ranih 60-ih,
04:51
on wearingnošenje lightsvjetlo summerljeto suitsodgovara,
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uporno je nosio lagana ljetna odijela,
04:53
no matterstvar the weathervrijeme,
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bez obzira na vremenske prilike.
04:55
and in the coursenaravno of researchingistraživanje theirnjihov livesživot,
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Istražujući njihove živote,
04:56
I askedpitao my mommama, "WhateverŠto god
becamepostao of SummerwearSummerwear?"
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pitao sam mamu:
"Što je bilo s Ljetnom Odjećom?"
04:59
And she said, "He caughtzatečen a coldhladno and diedumro." (LaughterSmijeh)
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Rekla je: "Prehladio se i umro."
(Smijeh)
05:04
But menmuškarci like SummerwearSummerwear
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Ali ljudi poput Ljetne Odjeće
05:06
taughtučio us the importancevažnost of stylestil.
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uče nas o važnosti stila.
05:08
Maybe they exaggeratedpretjerana theirnjihov stylestil
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Možda je njihov stil bio pretjeran
05:10
because they thought that they were not consideredsmatra
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jer su mislili da ih drugi ne smatraju
05:13
to be quitedosta civilizedcivilizovan,
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civiliziranima,
05:15
and they transferredprenose that generationalgeneracijske attitudestav
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pa su prenijeli taj generacijski stav
05:18
or anxietyanksioznost ontona us, the nextSljedeći generationgeneracija,
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ili anksioznost na nas,
sljedeću generaciju
05:20
so much so that when I was growingrastući up,
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toliko da dok sam odrastao,
05:23
if ever on the televisiontelevizija newsvijesti or radioradio
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ako bi se na TV-u,
u novinama ili na radiju
05:25
a reportizvješće camedošao up about a blackcrno personosoba
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pojavila reportaža o crncima
05:26
committingizvršenje some crimekriminal
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koji počinjavaju zločine --
05:28
a muggingpljačka, a murderubiti, a burglaryprovala
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pljačke, ubojstva, provale --
05:32
we wincedtrgnuo alonguz with our parentsroditelji,
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zgrozili bismo se zajedno s roditeljima
05:35
because they were lettingiznajmljivanje the sidestrana down.
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jer su ti ljudi ocrnjavali sve nas.
05:38
You did not just representpredstavljati yourselfsami.
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Ne predstavljaš samo sebe.
05:39
You representedzastupljeni the groupskupina,
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Predstavljaš cijelu skupinu,
05:41
and it was a terrifyingzastrašujući thing to come to termsUvjeti with,
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a bilo se užasno teško pomiriti
05:46
in a way, that maybe you were going
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s tim da će te možda
05:48
to be perceivedpercipiraju in the sameisti lightsvjetlo.
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promatrati na isti način.
05:52
So that was what neededpotreban to be challengedizazvan.
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To se trebalo promijeniti.
05:56
Our fatherotac and manymnogi of his colleagueskolege
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Naš otac i mnoge njegove kolege
06:00
exhibitedizlagao a kindljubazan of transmissionprijenos but not receivingprimanje.
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utjelovljavali su prijenos bez primanja.
06:04
They were builtizgrađen to transmitprenositi but not receivedobiti.
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Stvoreni su da prenose, a ne primaju.
06:06
We were to keep quietmiran.
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Morali smo biti tiho.
06:09
When our fatherotac did speakgovoriti to us,
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Kad nam je otac govorio,
06:10
it was from the pulpitpropovjedaonica of his mindum.
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bilo je to s propovjedaonice njegova uma.
06:13
They clungprilijepiti to certaintysigurnost in the beliefvjerovanje
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Držali su se vjerovanja
06:15
that doubtsumnjati would underminepotkopati them.
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da će ih sumnja potkopati.
06:19
But when I am workingrad in my housekuća
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Ali kad ja radim kod kuće
06:22
and writingpisanje, after a day'sdan je writingpisanje, I rushžuriti downstairsdole
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i kad nakon cjelodnevnog pisanja
pohrlim niz stepenice
06:26
and I'm very exciteduzbuđen to talk about
MarcusMarcus GarveyGarvey or BobBob MarleyMarley
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i jedva čekam razgovarati
o Marcusu Garveyu ili Bobu Marleyu
06:29
and wordsriječi are trippingokidanje out of my mouthusta like butterfliesleptiri
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i riječi lete iz mojih usta poput leptira
06:32
and I'm so exciteduzbuđen that my childrendjeca stop me,
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i toliko sam uzbuđen
da me djeca zaustave
06:35
and they say, "DadTata, nobodynitko caresbrige."
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i kažu:
"Tata, to nikog ne zanima."
06:38
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
06:42
But they do carebriga, actuallyzapravo.
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Ali zapravo ih zanima.
06:44
They crosskriž over.
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Prijeđu.
06:46
SomehowNekako they find theirnjihov way to you.
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Nekako nađu put do vas.
06:48
They shapeoblik theirnjihov livesživot accordingpo
to the narrativepripovijest of your life,
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Oblikuju svoje živote
po uzoru na priču vašeg života,
06:52
as I did with my fatherotac and my mothermajka, perhapsmožda,
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kao što sam ja vjerojatno oblikovao
svoj život po uzoru na moje roditelje.
06:56
and maybe BageyeBageye did with his fatherotac.
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a možda je i Podočnjak
učinio isto sa svojim ocem.
06:59
And that was clearerjasnije to me
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Tako mi je bilo jednostavnije
07:00
in the coursenaravno of looking at his life
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gledati na njegov život
07:03
and understandingrazumijevanje, as they say,
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i shvaćati, kao što
07:06
the NativeIzvornih AmericansAmerikanci say,
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Indijanci kažu:
07:08
"Do not criticizekritikovati the man untildo you can walkhodati
156
416152
1629
"Ne kritiziraj nikoga dok ne prošetaš
07:09
in his moccasinsmokasine."
157
417781
2312
u njegovim mokasinkama."
07:12
But in conjuringconjuring his life, it was okay
158
420093
2899
Ali zamišljajući njegov život,
bilo je prihvatljivo
07:14
and very straightforwardiskren to portrayprikazati
159
422992
3268
i sasvim jasno zamisliti
07:18
a CaribbeanKaribi life in EnglandEngleska in the 1970s
160
426260
2980
karipski način života
u Engleskoj 70-ih godina
07:21
with bowlsbokali of plasticplastika fruitvoće,
161
429240
4984
sa zdjelama plastičnog voća,
07:26
polystyrenepolistiren ceilingstrop tilespločice,
162
434224
3064
tapetama,
07:29
setteessettees permanentlytrajno sheathedobložen
163
437288
2288
divanima trajno prekrivenim
07:31
in theirnjihov transparenttransparentan coverskorice
that they were deliveredisporučena in.
164
439576
3372
prozirnom folijom
u kojoj su bili i dostavljeni.
07:34
But what's more difficulttežak to navigateploviti
165
442948
1852
Ali teže je zamisliti
07:36
is the emotionalemotivan landscapepejzaž
166
444800
1492
emocionalnu raznolikost
07:38
betweenizmeđu the generationsgeneracije,
167
446292
1970
između generacija,
07:40
and the oldstar adageposlovica that with agedob comesdolazi wisdommudrost
168
448262
4738
ali izreka da mudrost dolazi s godinama
07:45
is not truepravi.
169
453000
2045
nije istinita.
07:47
With agedob comesdolazi the veneerfurnir of respectabilitypoštovanje
170
455045
3483
S godinama dolazi tanak sloj poštovanja
07:50
and a veneerfurnir of uncomfortableneudoban truthsistine.
171
458528
3368
i sloj neugodnih istina.
07:53
But what was truepravi was that my parentsroditelji,
172
461896
2772
Ali istina je da moji roditelji,
07:56
my mothermajka, and my fatherotac wentotišao alonguz with it,
173
464668
2476
moja majka, a otac se s time složio,
07:59
did not trustpovjerenje the statedržava to educateobrazovati me.
174
467144
2768
nisu htjeli državi
povjeriti moje školovanje.
08:01
So listen to how I soundzvuk.
175
469912
2490
Slušajte kako govorim.
08:04
They determinedodlučan that they would
sendposlati me to a privateprivatna schoolškola,
176
472402
4282
Odlučili su me poslati u privatnu školu,
08:08
but my fatherotac workedradio at VauxhallVauxhall MotorsMotori.
177
476684
1757
no otac je radio u Vauxhall Motorsu.
08:10
It's quitedosta difficulttežak to fundfond a privateprivatna schoolškola educationobrazovanje
178
478441
3791
Teško je plaćati privatnu školu
08:14
and feedstočna hrana his armyvojska of childrendjeca.
179
482232
2640
i hraniti vojsku djece.
08:16
I rememberzapamtiti going on to the schoolškola
180
484872
1984
Sjećam se kad sam išao u školu
08:18
for the entranceulaz examispit, and my fatherotac said
181
486856
2124
na prijamni ispit i otac je rekao
08:20
to the priestsvećenik — it was a CatholicKatolička schoolškola
182
488980
3600
svećeniku - bila je to katolička škola -
08:24
he wanted a better "heducationheducation" for the boydječak,
183
492580
4227
da želi bolju "Hedukaciju" za momka,
08:28
but alsotakođer, he, my fatherotac,
184
496807
2928
ali on, moj otac,
08:31
never even managedupravlja to passproći wormscrvi,
185
499735
2640
nije se uspio riješiti ni crva,
08:34
never mindum entranceulaz examsispiti.
186
502375
2620
a kamoli prijamnih ispita.
08:36
But in ordernarudžba to fundfond my educationobrazovanje,
187
504995
1945
Ali kako bi plaćao moje školovanje,
08:38
he was going to have to do some dodgyizbjegavati stuffstvari,
188
506940
2723
planirao se baviti mutnim poslovima,
08:41
so my fatherotac would fundfond my educationobrazovanje
189
509663
3102
pa bi to radio
08:44
by tradingtrgovački in illicitNedopuštena goodsroba from the back of his carautomobil,
190
512765
3604
preprodajom ilegalnih dobara
iz prtljažnika automobila,
08:48
and that was madenapravljen even more trickylukav because
191
516369
1432
a to je bilo još zeznutije
08:49
my fatherotac, that's not his carautomobil by the way.
192
517801
2160
zato što moj otac,
usput ovo nije njegov auto.
08:51
My fatherotac aspiredteži to have a carautomobil like that,
193
519961
1808
Htio je imati takav automobil,
08:53
but my fatherotac had a beaten-upPretukli MiniMini,
194
521769
2076
ali imao je izubijani Mini
08:55
and he never, beingbiće a
JamaicanJamajke comingdolazak to this countryzemlja,
195
523845
4498
i, kako je bio Jamajčanin
pri dolasku u ovu zemlju,
09:00
he never had a drivingvožnja licenselicenca,
196
528343
2353
nije imao ni vozačku dozvolu,
09:02
he never had any insuranceosiguranje or roadcesta taxporez or MOTMOT.
197
530696
3564
nikakvo osiguranje, nije plaćao
cestovne poreze ili poreze na gorivo.
09:06
He thought, "I know how to drivepogon;
198
534260
1939
Mislio je: "Znam voziti;
09:08
why do I need the state'sdržavnog validationProvjera valjanosti?"
199
536199
3080
što će mi potvrda države?"
09:11
But it becamepostao a little trickylukav when
we were stoppedprestao by the policepolicija,
200
539279
2232
Ali malo se zakompliciralo
kad nas je zaustavila policija,
09:13
and we were stoppedprestao a lot by the policepolicija,
201
541511
2213
a to se često događalo,
09:15
and I was impressedimpresioniran by the way
202
543724
1217
i bio sam impresioniran
09:16
that my fatherotac dealtrješavati with the policepolicija.
203
544941
1899
načinom na koji se on nosio s njima.
09:18
He would promoteunaprijediti the policemanpolicajac immediatelyodmah,
204
546840
2808
Odmah bi promaknuo policajca,
09:21
so that P.C. BloggsBloggs becamepostao DetectiveDetektiv InspectorInspektor BloggsBloggs
205
549648
4087
pa bi policajac Bloggs postao
detektiv inspektor Bloggs
09:25
in the coursenaravno of the conversationrazgovor
206
553735
1184
tijekom razgovora
09:26
and waveval us on merrilyveselo.
207
554919
1984
i veselo bi nas propustio.
09:28
So my fatherotac was exhibitingkoji pokazuje what we in JamaicaJamajka
208
556903
1868
Moj je otac radio ono što mi na Jamajci
09:30
calledzvao "playingigranje foolbudala to catchulov wisemudar."
209
558771
4182
zovemo "praviti se nevješt".
09:34
But it lentKorizma alsotakođer an ideaideja
210
562953
3369
Ali činilo se
09:38
that actuallyzapravo he was beingbiće diminishedsmanjen
211
566322
1806
kao da policajac
09:40
or belittledpodcijenjeni by the policemanpolicajac
212
568128
2304
umanjuje njegov značaj -
09:42
as a 10-year-old-godinu star boydječak, I saw that —
213
570432
1817
to sam vidio kao desetogodišnjak -
09:44
but alsotakođer there was an ambivalencepodvojenost towardsza authorityvlast.
214
572249
2571
ali postojala je i ambivalencija
prema autoritetu.
09:46
So on the one handruka, there was
215
574820
1645
U jednu mu se ruku
09:48
a mockingRuga of authorityvlast,
216
576465
1627
rugao,
09:50
but on the other handruka, there was a deferencepoštovanje
217
578092
2316
ali ga je s druge strane
09:52
towardsza authorityvlast,
218
580408
1821
poštovao,
09:54
and these CaribbeanKaribi people
219
582229
1955
a ovi Karibijci
09:56
had an overbearingohol obedienceposlušnost towardsza authorityvlast,
220
584184
4137
pokazivali su snažnu poslušnost
prema autoritetu
10:00
whichkoji is very strikingudaranje, very strangečudan in a way,
221
588321
2208
koja je bila jako upečatljiva, neobična
10:02
because migrantsmigranata are very courageoushrabar people.
222
590529
3104
jer su migranti jako hrabri ljudi -
10:05
They leavenapustiti theirnjihov homeskuća. My fatherotac and my mothermajka
223
593633
2760
oni napuštaju svoje domove.
Moj otac i majka
10:08
left JamaicaJamajka and they traveledputovao 4,000 milesmilja,
224
596393
3927
napustili su Jamajku
i prešli 6.500 km,
10:12
and yetjoš they were infantilizedinfantilized by travelputovati.
225
600320
3824
a to ih je putovanje podjetinjilo.
10:16
They were timidplah,
226
604144
1768
Postali su plašljivi
10:17
and somewherenegdje alonguz the linecrta,
227
605912
1449
i negdje usput
10:19
the naturalprirodni ordernarudžba was reversedobrnuta.
228
607361
1841
prirodni je poredak poremećen.
10:21
The childrendjeca becamepostao the parentsroditelji to the parentroditelj.
229
609202
3487
Djeca su roditeljima postala roditelji.
10:26
The CaribbeanKaribi people camedošao to
this countryzemlja with a five-yearpet godina planplan:
230
614646
2497
Karibijci su ovdje stigli
s petogodišnjim planom:
10:29
they would work, some moneynovac, and then go back,
231
617143
1999
zaradit će malo novca i vratiti se,
10:31
but the fivepet yearsgodina becamepostao 10, the 10 becamepostao 15,
232
619142
2823
ali pet godina postane 10,
10 postane 15
10:33
and before you know it,
you're changingmijenjanje the wallpaperpozadina,
233
621965
2345
i niste se ni snašli,
a već mijenjate tapete,
10:36
and at that pointtočka, you know you're here to stayboravak.
234
624310
3632
a onda već znate da ćete tu i ostati.
10:39
AlthoughIako there's still the kindljubazan of temporarinessprivremenosti
235
627942
2464
Iako su roditelji još uvijek imali
10:42
that our parentsroditelji feltosjećala about beingbiće here,
236
630406
2447
osjećaj privremenosti,
10:44
but we childrendjeca knewznao that the gameigra was up.
237
632853
4187
mi djeca znali smo da je to za trajno.
10:49
I think there was a feelingosjećaj that
238
637040
2758
Mislim da su se osjećali
10:51
they would not be ableu stanju to continuenastaviti with the idealsideale
239
639798
5350
kao da ne bi mogli nastaviti
10:57
of the life that they expectedočekuje se.
240
645148
2007
s idealima očekivanog života.
10:59
The realitystvarnost was very much differentdrugačiji.
241
647155
1982
Stvarnost se znatno razlikovala.
11:01
And alsotakođer, that was truepravi of the realitystvarnost
242
649137
2074
To je posebno istinito za stvarnost
11:03
of tryingtežak to educateobrazovati me.
243
651211
1418
mog pokušaja obrazovanja.
11:04
HavingNakon što startedpočeo the processpostupak,
my fatherotac did not continuenastaviti.
244
652629
4062
Otac je započeo proces,
no nije ga nastavio.
11:08
It was left to my mothermajka to educateobrazovati me,
245
656691
2728
Mojoj je majci dopalo da me obrazuje
11:11
and as GeorgeGeorge LammingLamming would say,
246
659419
2721
i kako bi George Lamming rekao,
11:14
it was my mothermajka who fatheredRođen me.
247
662140
3779
majka mi je bila otac.
11:17
Even in his absenceodsutnost, that oldstar mantramantra remainedostala:
248
665919
2342
I dok ga nije bilo, misao je ostala:
11:20
You are beingbiće watchedgledao.
249
668261
1687
Gledaju te.
11:21
But suchtakav ardentžarki watchfulnessPažnja can leaddovesti to anxietyanksioznost,
250
669948
3202
Ali takvo strastveno nadgledanje može
uzrokovati anksioznost.
11:25
so much so that yearsgodina laterkasnije, when I was investigatingistražuje
251
673150
2249
Nekoliko godina kasnije kad sam istraživao
11:27
why so manymnogi youngmladi blackcrno menmuškarci
252
675399
1314
zašto toliki mladi crnci
11:28
were diagnoseddijagnosticira with schizophreniashizofrenija,
253
676713
2131
imaju dijagnosticiranu šizofreniju
11:30
sixšest timesputa more than they oughttreba to be,
254
678844
2507
šest puta više nego što je to očekivano,
11:33
I was not surprisediznenađen to hearčuti the psychiatristpsihijatar say,
255
681351
3272
nije me iznenadila izjava psihijatra:
11:36
"BlackCrna people are schooledškolovan in paranoiaparanoja."
256
684623
4458
"Crnci su naučeni na paranoju."
11:41
And I wonderčudo what BageyeBageye would make of that.
257
689081
3871
Baš me zanima što bi
Podočnjak rekao na to.
11:44
Now I alsotakođer had a 10-year-old-godinu star sonsin,
258
692952
2527
Kad sam i sam imao
desetogodišnjeg sina,
11:47
and turnedokrenut my attentionpažnja to BageyeBageye
259
695479
2849
usredotočio sam se na Podočnjaka
11:50
and I wentotišao in searchtraži of him.
260
698328
1376
i krenuo ga tražiti.
11:51
He was back in LutonLuton, he was now 82,
261
699704
3602
Vratio se u Luton, imao je 82 g.,
11:55
and I hadn'tnije seenvidio him for 30-odd-neparan yearsgodina,
262
703306
3640
nisam ga vidio trideset i nešto godina
11:58
and when he openedotvori the doorvrata,
263
706946
1598
i kad je otvorio vrata,
12:00
I saw this tinysićušan little man with lambentSjajan, smilingnasmijan eyesoči,
264
708544
3904
vidio sam malenog čovjeka vedrog pogleda,
12:04
and he was smilingnasmijan, and I'd never seenvidio him smileosmijeh.
265
712448
2343
smiješio se,
nikad ga nisam vidio takvog.
12:06
I was very disconcerteddisconcerted by that.
266
714791
3048
To me jako zbunilo.
12:09
But we satsat down, and he had
a CaribbeanKaribi friendprijatelj with him,
267
717839
3061
Sjeli smo, s njim je bio
prijatelj Karibijac,
12:12
talkingkoji govori some oldstar time talk,
268
720900
2555
pričali su stare priče
12:15
and my fatherotac would look at me,
269
723455
2474
i otac me pogledavao,
12:17
and he lookedgledao at me as if I would
270
725929
1654
gledao me kao da bih mogao
12:19
miraculouslyČudesno disappearnestati as I had arisennastao.
271
727583
3644
nestati jednako čudnovato
kao što sam se tu i stvorio.
12:23
And he turnedokrenut to his friendprijatelj, and he said,
272
731227
2236
Okrenuo se svome prijatelju
i rekao mu:
12:25
"This boydječak and me have a deepduboko, deepduboko connectionveza,
273
733463
2960
"Ovaj momak i ja
imamo duboku povezanost,
12:28
deepduboko, deepduboko connectionveza."
274
736423
2960
jako duboku povezanost."
Ali ja je nikad nisam osjećao.
12:31
But I never feltosjećala that connectionveza.
275
739383
1397
12:32
If there was a pulsepuls, it was very weakslab
276
740780
2779
Ako je postojao puls, bio je jako slab
12:35
or hardlyjedva at all.
277
743559
2824
ili jedva da je postojao.
12:38
And I almostskoro feltosjećala in the coursenaravno of that reunionponovno okupljanje
278
746383
1840
U tom ponovnom okupljanju,
12:40
that I was auditioningna audiciji to be my father'soca sonsin.
279
748223
4617
osjećao sam se kao na audiciji za sina.
12:44
When the bookrezervirati camedošao out,
280
752840
1992
Kad je knjiga izašla, imala je
12:46
it had fairfer reviewsRecenzije in the nationalnacionalna papersnovine,
281
754832
1736
solidne kritike u državnim novinama,
12:48
but the paperpapir of choiceizbor in LutonLuton is not The GuardianČuvar,
282
756568
3272
ali u Lutonu se ne čita The Guardian,
12:51
it's the LutonLuton NewsVijesti,
283
759840
2287
već Luton News,
12:54
and the LutonLuton NewsVijesti ranran the headlinenaslov about the bookrezervirati,
284
762127
3776
a u Luton Newsu
knjiga je dobila naslovnicu:
12:57
"The BookKnjiga That MaySvibanj HealLiječiti a 32-Year-Old-Godina-star RiftRaskol."
285
765903
5219
"Knjiga koja bi mogla zaliječiti
32-ogodišnji jaz."
13:03
And I understoodrazumjeti that could alsotakođer representpredstavljati
286
771122
3312
Shvatio sam da to
također može predstavljati
13:06
the riftpuknuti betweenizmeđu one generationgeneracija and the nextSljedeći,
287
774434
1903
međugeneracijski jaz,
13:08
betweenizmeđu people like me and my father'soca generationgeneracija,
288
776337
4004
između ljudi poput mene
i očeve generacije,
13:12
but there's no traditiontradicija in CaribbeanKaribi life
289
780341
2248
ali nema tradicije u karibijskom životu
13:14
of memoirsmemoare or biographiesbiografije.
290
782589
2104
memoara ili biografija.
13:16
It was a traditiontradicija that you didn't
chatrazgovor about your businessPoslovni in publicjavnost.
291
784693
4084
Tradicija je glasila: ne čavrljaj
o svojim poslovima u javnosti.
13:20
But I welcomedpozdravio je that titletitula, and I thought actuallyzapravo, yes,
292
788777
4656
No sviđao mi se taj naslov i pomislih: da,
13:25
there is a possibilitymogućnost that this
293
793433
1896
postoji mogućnost da će ovo
13:27
will openotvoren up conversationsrazgovori
that we'dmi bismo never had before.
294
795329
4193
pokrenuti razgovore
koje dotad nismo vodili.
13:31
This will closeblizu the generationgeneracija gappraznina, perhapsmožda.
295
799522
4204
Ovo će zatvoriti generacijski jaz, možda.
13:35
This could be an instrumentinstrument of repairpopravak.
296
803726
2527
Ovo će biti sredstvo popravka.
13:38
And I even beganpočeo to feel that this bookrezervirati
297
806253
2401
Počeo sam misliti da bi
13:40
maysvibanj be perceivedpercipiraju by my fatherotac
298
808654
2888
moj otac ovu knjigu mogao vidjeti
13:43
as an actčin of filialsinovski devotionpobožnost.
299
811542
4176
kao odraz sinovljeve odanosti.
13:47
PoorJadni, deludedzavedeni foolbudala.
300
815718
3735
Jadna, zaluđena budala.
13:51
BageyeBageye was stungUbola by what he perceivedpercipiraju to be
301
819453
4041
Podočnjaka je zaboljelo
ono što je smatrao
13:55
the publicjavnost airingemitiranje of his shortcomingsnedostatke.
302
823494
2859
javnim prikazom svojih nedostataka.
13:58
He was stungUbola by my betrayalizdaja,
303
826353
2901
Zaboljela ga je izdaja,
14:01
and he wentotišao to the newspapersnovine the nextSljedeći day
304
829254
2072
pa je sljedeći dan otišao do novina
14:03
and demandedzahtijevao a right of replyodgovor,
305
831326
1184
i tražio pravo replike
14:04
and he got it with the headlinenaslov
306
832510
2232
koju je dobio naslovnicom:
14:06
"BageyeBageye BitesUgriza Back."
307
834742
3160
"Podočnjak uzvraća udarac."
14:09
And it was a coruscatingcoruscating accountračun of my betrayalizdaja.
308
837902
2968
Bio je to blistav prikaz moje izdaje.
14:12
I was no sonsin of his.
309
840870
2878
Nisam bio njegov sin.
14:15
He recognizedpriznat in his mindum that his colorsboje
310
843748
2081
U njegovom su umu
njegove boje bile
14:17
had been draggedvukao throughkroz the
mudblato, and he couldn'tne mogu allowdopustiti that.
311
845829
2368
okaljane, a on to nije mogao dozvoliti.
14:20
He had to restorevratiti his dignitydostojanstvo, and he did so,
312
848197
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Morao je povratiti svoje dostojanstvo
i to je i učinio.
14:22
and initiallyu početku, althoughiako I was disappointedrazočaran,
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U početku, iako sam bio razočaran,
14:25
I grewrastao to admirediviti se that stancestav.
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divio sam se njegovom stavu.
14:26
There was still firevatra bubblingmjehurića throughkroz his veinsvene,
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Još je bilo života u njemu,
14:30
even thoughiako he was 82 yearsgodina oldstar.
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iako su mu bile 82 godine.
14:33
And if it meantznačilo that we would now returnpovratak
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Ako je to značilo da ćemo se sada vratiti
14:36
to 30 yearsgodina of silencetišina,
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na trideset godina šutnje,
14:39
my fatherotac would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
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moj bi otac rekao:
"Ako tako mora biti, neka bude tako."
14:45
JamaicansJamajčani will tell you that
there's no suchtakav thing as factsčinjenicama,
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Jamajčani će vam reći
da ne postoje činjenice,
14:48
there are only versionsverzije.
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postoje samo verzije.
14:50
We all tell ourselvessebe the versionsverzije of the storypriča
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Svi si mi pričamo verzije priče
14:53
that we can bestnajbolje liveživjeti with.
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s kojom najlakše možemo živjeti.
14:56
EachSvaki generationgeneracija buildsgradi up an edificegrađevina
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Svaka generacija gradi zdanje
14:58
whichkoji they are reluctantprotiv volje or sometimesponekad unablenesposoban
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koje nekad ne žele,
a nekad ne mogu
15:00
to disassemblerastaviti,
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srušiti,
15:03
but in the writingpisanje, my versionverzija of the storypriča
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ali kako sam pisao, moja se verzija priče
15:06
beganpočeo to changepromijeniti,
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počela mijenjati
15:08
and it was detachedodvojen from me.
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i bila je odvojena od mene.
15:12
I lostizgubljen my hatredmržnja of my fatherotac.
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Prestao sam mrziti oca.
15:15
I did no longerviše want him to dieumrijeti or to murderubiti him,
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Više nisam htio da umre ili ubiti ga,
15:20
and I feltosjećala freebesplatno,
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osjećao sam se slobodno,
15:24
much freerslobodnije than I'd ever feltosjećala before.
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puno slobodnije nego ikad prije.
15:29
And I wonderčudo whetherda li that freednessfreedness
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I pitam se može li se ta sloboda
15:31
could be transferredprenose to him.
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prenijeti na njega.
15:36
In that initialpočetni reunionponovno okupljanje,
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U tom početnom ponovnom ujedinjenju,
15:40
I was struckpogođen by an ideaideja that I had
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shvatio sam da imam
15:42
very fewnekoliko photographsfotografije of myselfsebe
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vrlo malo fotografija sebe
15:46
as a youngmladi childdijete.
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kao djeteta.
15:48
This is a photographfotografirati of me,
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Ovo je jedna moja fotografija,
15:50
ninedevet monthsmjeseci oldstar.
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imao sam devet mjeseci.
15:53
In the originalizvornik photographfotografirati,
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U originalnoj fotografiji
15:55
I'm beingbiće heldodržanog up by my fatherotac, BageyeBageye,
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drži me otac, Podočnjak,
15:58
but when my parentsroditelji separatedodvojen, my mothermajka
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ali kad su se moji rastali, mama ga je
16:00
excisedekscizijom him from all aspectsaspekti of our livesživot.
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uklonila iz svih aspekata naših života.
16:03
She tookuzeo a pairpar of scissorsškare and cutrez
him out of everysvaki photographfotografirati,
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Uzela je škarice i izrezala ga
iz svake fotografije
16:07
and for yearsgodina, I told myselfsebe
the truthistina of this photographfotografirati
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i godinama sam si govorio da je
istina koja se krije u ovoj fotografiji
16:10
was that you are alonesam,
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ta da si sam,
16:13
you are unsupportednije podržana.
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ne možeš se osloniti ni na koga.
16:16
But there's anotherjoš way of looking at this photographfotografirati.
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No možemo je promatrati i na drugi način.
16:18
This is a photographfotografirati that has the potentialpotencijal
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Ovo je fotografija koja može omogućiti
16:21
for a reunionponovno okupljanje,
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ponovno ujedinjenje,
16:23
a potentialpotencijal to be reunitedujedinila with my fatherotac,
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ponovno ujedinjenje s ocem,
16:26
and in my yearningčežnja to be heldodržanog up by my fatherotac,
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a u svojoj želji da me drži otac,
16:30
I heldodržanog him up to the lightsvjetlo.
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držao sam ga uz svjetlo.
16:33
In that first reunionponovno okupljanje,
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U tom prvom ujedinjenju,
16:36
it was very awkwardneugodno and tensevrijeme momentstrenutke,
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bilo je jako neugodnih i napetih trenutaka
16:38
and to lessensmanjiti the tensionnapetost,
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i kako bismo ih umanjili,
16:39
we decidedodlučio to go for a walkhodati.
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odlučili smo prošetati.
16:43
And as we walkedhodao, I was struckpogođen
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2001
Kako smo šetali, shvatio sam
16:45
that I had revertedvratio to beingbiće the childdijete
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da sam se vratio ulozi djeteta
16:47
even thoughiako I was now toweringveoma visok aboveiznad my fatherotac.
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iako sam sada puno viši od oca.
16:50
I was almostskoro a footnoga tallerviši than my fatherotac.
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Bio sam od njega viši skoro 30 cm.
16:53
He was still the bigvelika man,
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On je još uvijek bio krupan čovjek,
16:55
and I triedpokušala to matchutakmica his stepkorak.
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pokušavao sam ga pratiti korakom.
17:00
And I realizedshvatio that he was walkinghodanje
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Shvatio sam da hoda
17:02
as if he was still underpod observationzapažanje,
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2776
kao da ga se još uvijek nadgleda,
17:04
but I admiredcijenjen his walkhodati.
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2911
ali divio sam se njegovu hodu.
17:07
He walkedhodao like a man
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Hodao je poput čovjeka
17:10
on the losinggubljenje sidestrana of the F.A. CupKup FinalKonačni
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gubitničke ekipe u finalu FA kupa,
17:13
mountingza montažu the stepskoraci to collectprikupiti his condolencesućut medalmedalja.
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koji se penje po stepenicama po svoju
utješnu medalju.
17:16
There was dignitydostojanstvo in defeatporaz.
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Bilo je dostojanstva u tom porazu.
17:20
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
(Pljesak)
17:22
(ApplausePljesak)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.

Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speaker
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com