ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Lee Mokobe - Poet
Lee Mokobe is a 20-year-old South African slam poet and co-founder of Vocal Revolutionaries.

Why you should listen

The volunteer-run organization empowers youth in South Africa to fid their voice through poetry and art, offering free workshops, motivational talks, seasonal slams, national/local performances and mentoring. In his own poetry, Mokobe tackles tough social justice and LGBTQ issues. He has performed across three continents and was the youngest and first African coach at the Brave New Voices Festival, which he won in 2015.

More profile about the speaker
Lee Mokobe | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2015

Lee Mokobe: A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender

Lee Mokobe: Sebuah puisi hebat tentang apa yang transgender rasa

Filmed:
1,487,336 views

"I was the mystery of an anatomy, a question asked but not answered," says poet Lee Mokobe, a TED Fellow, in this gripping and poetic exploration of identity and transition. It's a thoughtful reflection on bodies, and the meanings poured into them.
- Poet
Lee Mokobe is a 20-year-old South African slam poet and co-founder of Vocal Revolutionaries. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
The first time I utteredmemperkatakan a prayerdoa
was in a glass-stainedberwarna-kaca cathedralCathedral.
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Kali pertama aku berdoa
adalah di gereja dengan gelas berwarna.
00:18
I was kneelingmelutut long after
the congregationJemaah was on its feetkaki,
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Aku masih berlutut selepas
jemaah sudah berdiri,
00:21
dipberenang bothkedua-duanya handstangan into holySuci waterair,
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celupkan tanganku dalam air suci,
00:23
tracejejak the trinityTrinity acrossmerentasi my chestdada,
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surihkan triniti di dada saya,
00:25
my tinykecil bodybadan droopingdrooping
like a questionsoalan marktanda
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badan kecilku melabuh
serupa tanda tanya
00:28
all over the woodenkayu pewPew.
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di bangku kayu gereja.
00:30
I askedbertanya JesusIsa to fixmenetapkan me,
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Aku pohon Jesus selamatkanku,
00:33
and when he did not answerjawapannya
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dan bila Dia tidak jawab
00:35
I befriendeddengan silencediam in the hopesharapan
that my sindosa would burnterbakar
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aku berkawan kesenyapan dengan harapan
dosaku akan terbakar
00:38
and salveubat my mouthmulut
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dan melegakan mulutku
00:39
would dissolvemembubarkan like sugargula on tonguelidah,
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akan larut macam gula atas lidah,
00:41
but shamemalu lingeredpabila as an aftertastekesan rasanya.
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tapi rasa malu masih melekat
00:43
And in an attemptpercubaan
to reintroducememperkenalkan semula me to sanctitykesucian,
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Dan dalam cubaan memperkenalkan aku
ke kesucian semula,
00:46
my motheribu told me of the miraclekeajaiban I was,
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ibuku memberitahuku keajaibanku,
00:49
said I could growberkembang up
to be anything I want.
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katanya aku boleh membesar
menjadi apa yang aku nak.
00:52
I decidedmemutuskan to
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Aku memutuskan untuk
00:55
be a boybudak lelaki.
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menjadi seorang lelaki.
00:56
It was cutecomel.
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Ia comel.
00:57
I had snapbacksnapback, toothlessbertaring grinGrin,
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Aku senyum tak terjangka, tanpa gigi,
00:59
used skinnedberkulit kneeslutut as streetjalan credCred,
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gunakan lutut cedera sebagai
lesen,
01:00
playeddimainkan hidebersembunyi and seekcari with
what was left of my goalMatlamat.
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mainkan sembunyi-sorok dengan
apa yang tinggal.
01:03
I was it.
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Aku adalah 'ia'.
01:04
The winnerpemenang to a gamepermainan
the other kidskanak-kanak couldn'ttidak boleh playbermain,
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Johan permainan yang lain
tidak dapat main,
01:06
I was the mysterymisteri of an anatomyanatomi,
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aku adalah misteri anatomi,
01:08
a questionsoalan askedbertanya but not answeredjawab,
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soalan ditanya tak dijawab,
01:10
tightropingtightroping betweenantara awkwardjanggal boybudak lelaki
and apologeticmenjelaskan girlgadis,
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berseimbang antara lelaki kekok
dan gadis bermaafan,
01:14
and when I turnedberpaling 12, the boybudak lelaki phaseFasa
wasn'ttidak deemeddisifatkan sebagai cutecomel anymorelagi.
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dan bila aku 12, fasa lelaki
tidak lagi comel.
01:19
It was metbertemu with nostalgicnostalgia auntssebenarnya who missedterlepas
seeingmelihatnya my kneeslutut in the shadowbayang-bayang of skirtsSkirt,
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Ia ditemui dengan makcik yang rindu
penampilanku dengan skirt,
01:25
who remindeddiingatkan me that my kindjenis of attitudesikap
would never bringbawa a husbandsuami home,
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yang mengingatkanku sikap begini
takkan bawakan suami,
01:29
that I existwujud for heterosexualheteroseksual marriageperkahwinan
and child-bearingboleh mengandung.
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bahawa aku wujud untuk perkahwinan
heteroseksual dan melahirkan anak.
01:33
And I swallowedmenelan theirmereka insultspenghinaan
alongbersama-sama with theirmereka slursekspresi.
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Dan aku menelan penghinaan mereka.
01:36
NaturallySecara semula jadi, I did not
come out of the closetalmari.
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Tentu aku tidak keluar
dari almari (mengaku homoseksual).
01:39
The kidskanak-kanak at my schoolsekolah openeddibuka it
withouttanpa my permissionkebenaran.
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Kanak-kanak di sekolahku membukanya
tanpa izinku,
01:42
CalledDipanggil me by a namenama I did not recognizepengiktirafan,
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memanggilku dengan nama
yang tidak saya iktiraf,
01:44
said "lesbianlesbian,"
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katakan 'lesbian',
01:46
but I was more boybudak lelaki than girlgadis,
more KenKen than BarbieBarbie.
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tapi aku lebih lelaki dari perempuan,
lebih Ken dari Barbie.
01:48
It had nothing to do with hatingmembenci my bodybadan,
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Ia tiada kena mengena dengan benci tubuhku
01:50
I just love it enoughcukup to let it go,
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aku cuma cukup sayangnya untuk
lepaskannya,
01:53
I treatmerawat it like a houserumah,
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aku kendalikannya seperti rumah,
01:54
and when your houserumah is fallingjatuh apartselain itu,
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dan bila rumahmu rosak,
01:56
you do not evacuatemengosongkan,
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kau tidak pindah,
01:57
you make it comfortableselesa enoughcukup
to houserumah all your insidesinsides,
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kau menjadikannya cukup selesa
untuk meletakkanmu,
02:01
you make it prettycantik enoughcukup
to invitejemput gueststetamu over,
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kau menjadikannya cukup cantik
untuk jemput tetamu,
02:03
you make the floorboardsfloorboards
strongkuat enoughcukup to standberdiri on.
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kau jadikan lantainya cukup kukuh
02:07
My motheribu fearsketakutan I have namedbernama
myselfsaya sendiri after fadingpudar things.
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Ibuku takut aku telah namakan aku
mengikut mereka yang telah pudar.
02:12
As she countstuduhan the echoesgema
left behinddi belakang by MyaMYA HallDewan,
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Beliau mengira gemaan yang ditinggalkan
oleh Mya Hall,
02:15
LeelahLeelah AlcornAlcorn, BlakeBlake BrockingtonBrockington.
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Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.
02:18
She fearsketakutan that I'll diemati withouttanpa a whisperWhisper,
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Beliau takut aku akan mati
dengan senyap-sepi,
02:20
that I'll turnberpaling into "what a shamemalu"
conversationsperbualan at the busbas stop.
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takut aku akan jadi tema bualan
"sayangnya" di stesen bas.
02:23
She claimstuntutan I have turnedberpaling myselfsaya sendiri
into a mausoleumMakam,
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Beliau dakwa aku telah jadikanku
sebuah makam,
02:26
that I am a walkingberjalan kaki casketkeranda,
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aku sebuah
keranda berjalan,
02:28
newsberita headlinesTajuk-tajuk utama have turnedberpaling
my identityidentiti into a spectaclecermin mata,
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tajuk berita menjadikan identitiku
menjadi sesuatu pameran,
02:31
BruceBruce JennerJenner on everyone'ssemua orang lipsbibir
while the brutalitykekejaman of livinghidup in this bodybadan
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Bruce Jenner dekat mulut semua orang
sedangkan kekejaman hidup di badan ni
02:34
becomesmenjadi an asteriskAsterisk
at the bottombawah of equalitykesamaan pageshalaman.
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menjadi asterisk pada bawah
muka surat keadilan.
02:38
No one ever thinksberfikir of us as humanmanusia
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Tiada orang ingatkan kami sebagai manusia
02:41
because we are more ghosthantu than fleshdaging,
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kerana kami lebih hantu
daripada manusia,
02:43
because people fearketakutan that
my genderjantina expressionungkapan is a trickhelah,
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kerana orang takut pernyataan jantinaku
sesuatu helah,
02:46
that it existswujud to be perversekeji,
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ia berada kerana sesat,
02:48
that it ensnaresensnares them
withouttanpa theirmereka consentpersetujuan,
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ia tertangkap mereka
tanpa persetujuan mereka,
02:50
that my bodybadan is a feasthari raya
for theirmereka eyesmata and handstangan
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badanku menjadi barang pameran
bagi mereka,
02:53
and oncesekali they have fedmakan off my queerqueer,
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dan selepas mereka cukup dengan pondanku,
02:55
they'llmereka akan regurgitatemuntah all the partsbahagian
they did not like.
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mereka akan meluahkan semua bahagian
yang mereka tidak suka.
02:58
They'llMereka akan put me back into the closetalmari,
hangmenggantung me with all the other skeletonsrangka.
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Mereka akan meletakkanku dalam almari,
dengan semua rangka lain (rahsia).
03:02
I will be the bestterbaik attractiontarikan.
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Aku ialah tarikan yang terbaik.
03:05
Can you see how easymudah it is
to talk people into coffinskeranda,
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Bolehkah kamu lihat betapa mudah
mengetuk orang hingga mati,
03:08
to misspellmisspell theirmereka namesnama on gravestonesBatu Nesan.
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untuk salah eja nama mereka atas
batu nisan.
03:10
And people still wondertertanya-tanya why
there are boyskanak lelaki rottingreput,
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Dan orang masih tertanya
kenapa ada budak yang mereput,
03:13
they go away
in hightinggi schoolsekolah hallwaysKemudahan seperti di rumah
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mereka pergi di
koridor sekolah,
03:15
they are afraidtakut of becomingmenjadi anotherlain
hashtaghashtag in a secondkedua
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mereka takut menjadi 'hashtag'
dalam masa sesaat,
03:18
afraidtakut of classroombilik darjah discussionsperbincangan
becomingmenjadi like judgmentpenghakiman day
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takut perbincangan kelas menjadi
hari kiamat
03:22
and now oncomingbola trafficlalu lintas is embracingmerangkul
more transgendertransgender childrenkanak-kanak than parentsibu bapa.
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dan kini orang asing lebih menerima
kanak transgender lebih dari ibubapa.
03:29
I wondertertanya-tanya how long it will be
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Aku tertanya berapa lama lagi
03:30
before the transTrans suicidebunuh diri notesnota
startmulakan to feel redundantberlebihan,
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sebelum nota bunuh diri mula
berasa lewah,
03:34
before we realizesedar that our bodiesbadan
becomemenjadi lessonspengajaran about sindosa
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sebelum kita sedar badan kita dijadikan
pelajaran tentang dosa
03:38
way before we learnbelajar how to love them.
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sebelum kita diajar
untuk sayangkan mereka.
03:40
Like God didn't savesimpan
all this breathnafas and mercyrahmat,
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Seperti Tuhan tidak simpan
nafas dan rahmatNya,
03:44
like my blooddarah is not the winewain
that washeddibasuh over Jesus'Isa feetkaki.
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seperti darahku bukan arak yang
cucikan kaki Jesus.
03:47
My prayersdoa are now
gettingmendapat stucktersangkut in my throattekak.
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Doaku kini semakin terperangkap
di tekakku.
03:52
Maybe I am finallyakhirnya fixedtetap,
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Mungkin aku diselamatkan akihirnya,
03:55
maybe I just don't carepenjagaan,
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mungkin aku hanya tidak peduli lagi,
03:57
maybe God finallyakhirnya listenedmendengar to my prayersdoa.
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mungkin Tuhan dengar doaku akhirnya.
04:02
Thank you.
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Terima kasih.
04:03
(ApplauseTepukan)
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(Tepukan tangan)
Translated by Xin Yi Teh
Reviewed by Karim Khaidi

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Lee Mokobe - Poet
Lee Mokobe is a 20-year-old South African slam poet and co-founder of Vocal Revolutionaries.

Why you should listen

The volunteer-run organization empowers youth in South Africa to fid their voice through poetry and art, offering free workshops, motivational talks, seasonal slams, national/local performances and mentoring. In his own poetry, Mokobe tackles tough social justice and LGBTQ issues. He has performed across three continents and was the youngest and first African coach at the Brave New Voices Festival, which he won in 2015.

More profile about the speaker
Lee Mokobe | Speaker | TED.com