TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: Známa agónia menom „Odhlásiť odber“
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Stáva sa to všetkým: zrušíte odoberanie nevyžiadaných e-mailových reklám a o pár dní sa vo vašej schránke zjaví rovnaká správa od tej istej firmy. Keď miestny supermarket nepovažoval „nie“ za odpoveď, komik James Veitch skúsil premeniť svoju frustráciu na zábavu. Vtedy sa začala psina.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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Smiešne, že na niektoré veci zabudneme.
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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Nedávno som navštívil mamu
a spomenula mi jeden príbeh,
a spomenula mi jeden príbeh,
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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na ktorý som už úplne zabudol.
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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O tom, že ma vozila v aute
a vždy, keď zastavila,
a vždy, keď zastavila,
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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zatiaľ, čo vystúpila z auta
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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a obišla auto, aby ma pustila von z auta,
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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ja už som medzičasom vystúpil
a hral som sa,
a hral som sa,
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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že som zomrel.
00:34
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
00:37
(Applause)
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(potlesk)
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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Lebo takto sa zomiera.
00:48
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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Spomenul som si, že to bola hra,
ktorú som hrával,
ktorú som hrával,
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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aby som sa zabavil vždy, keď som bol
znudený alebo frustrovaný.
znudený alebo frustrovaný.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
01:00
Settle down.
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Trochu sa odreagovať.
01:01
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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Hovorí sa, že dnes sme presýtení
informáciami. Je tak?
informáciami. Je tak?
01:06
I don't know about that,
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Neviem, či je to tak,
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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viem len, že dostávam príliš
veľa reklamných e-mailov.
veľa reklamných e-mailov.
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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Dostal som marketingový e-mail
od supermarketu,
od supermarketu,
01:13
which will remain nameless
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ktorý ostane nemenovaný,
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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najmä z právnych dôvodov,
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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ale volajme ho „SafeMart“.
01:19
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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Dostal som od nich e-mail
a bolo v ňom napísané:
a bolo v ňom napísané:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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„Už len tri týždne do otvorenia
SafeMartu na King's Cross!!!“
SafeMartu na King's Cross!!!“
01:28
And I resented this,
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Rozčúlilo ma to.
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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Pretože som si jednak nepamätal,
že by som si to vyžiadal,
že by som si to vyžiadal,
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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ale nahneval ma aj fakt,
že si zjavne mysleli,
že si zjavne mysleli,
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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že by som mal byť nadšený
z otvorenia obchodu.
z otvorenia obchodu.
01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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Takže som posúval e-mailu až na koniec
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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a klikol som na „Odhlásiť odber“.
01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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Myslel som si, že to bude koniec.
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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Ale o týždeň som dostal ďalší e-mail:
01:50
"Just two weeks
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„Už len dva týždne
do otvorenia SafeMartu na King's Cross!!!“
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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Myslel som si, že som zrejme
neklikol dosť silno.
neklikol dosť silno.
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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Tak som to skúsil znova.
Správne?
Správne?
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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Čuduj sa svete, prešiel týždeň,
hádate správne:
hádate správne:
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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„Už len týždeň do otvorenia
SafeMartu King's Cross!!!“
SafeMartu King's Cross!!!“
02:06
And here's the problem:
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A toto je ten problém:
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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Internet nám dal prístup ku všetkému;
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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ale zároveň dal všetkému prístup k nám.
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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Je ťažké odlíšiť veci,
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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na ktorých v tomto svete naozaj záleží,
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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od maličkostí života
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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už aj bez e-mailov od nákupných reťazcov
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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a Candy Crush Sagy.
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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Naozaj ma otravovali
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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a povedal som si: OK, napíšem im
e-mail plný silných slov,
e-mail plný silných slov,
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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ktoré mi celkom dobre idú.
02:32
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
02:35
And I thought, no --
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Ale povedal som si, nie –
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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nájdem v tom hru.
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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Tak som napísal odpoveď:
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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„Naozaj sa neviem dočkať!!!“
02:43
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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„Čo potrebujete odo mňa?“
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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Odpovedali mi.
Chlapík menom Dan napísal:
Chlapík menom Dan napísal:
„Ahoj James. Poprosil som kolegu,
aby mi pomohol s tvojou otázkou.“
aby mi pomohol s tvojou otázkou.“
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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02:56
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
02:57
Like it needs help.
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Ako keby fakt potreboval pomoc.
03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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Napísal som mu:
„Aký máme plán, Dan?
„Aký máme plán, Dan?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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Napadol mi ohňostroj a skákací hrad...“
03:04
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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„Nie som si istý, čo tým myslíš.“
03:09
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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Odpísal som: „Som neskutočne
nadšený z toho otvorenia!“
nadšený z toho otvorenia!“
(smiech)
03:14
(Laughter)
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03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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„Chceš rezervovať ten skákací hrad
alebo mám ja?“
alebo mám ja?“
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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Napísal: „Myslím, že si to zle pochopil.“
03:25
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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„Otvára sa nový obchod, ale nie je
v pláne žiadna oslava.“
v pláne žiadna oslava.“
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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„Ale čo potom malo byť to:
'Tri týždne do', 'Dva týždne do'?
'Tri týždne do', 'Dva týždne do'?
03:35
I was getting excited."
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Tešil som sa.“
03:37
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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„Mrzí ma, že si sklamaný.“
03:41
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
Napísal som: „Žiadne strachy.
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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Podniknime niečo aj tak!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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Mimochodom, zálohu za skákací hrad
nám už nevrátia.
nám už nevrátia.
03:54
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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„Ak ho nepoužijeme, sme v mínuse
o pár stoviek, Dan.“
o pár stoviek, Dan.“
04:01
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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Napísal: „Pán Veitch, nie som zodpovedný
za nič, čo ste si objednali.“
za nič, čo ste si objednali.“
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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Napísal som: „Nepleťme sem kto čo spravil.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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Napokon, ja a ty sme v tom spolu.
04:16
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
04:19
(Applause)
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(potlesk)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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Otázka: Budeš tam a dáš pozor, aby si
ľudia vyzuli topánky?“
ľudia vyzuli topánky?“
04:26
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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Budem úprimný, potom sa môj vzťah
s Danom trochu zhoršil,
s Danom trochu zhoršil,
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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pretože v ďalšom e-maile som dostal toto:
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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„Ďakujeme, číslo Vášho prípadu je ...“
04:39
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
04:41
That's outrageous.
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To je urážka.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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Napísal som: „Dan?“
04:44
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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A dostal som – ja som bol, že –
toto je... – a ja, ja...
toto je... – a ja, ja...
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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Ja som napísal: „Dannnyyyyy?“
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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Mal som pocit, že je to zlé.
Zbieral som len čísla.
Zbieral som len čísla.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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Napísal som: „D-Dog?“
04:57
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
05:00
"The store is now open."
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„Obchod je odteraz otvorený.“
05:01
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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Napísal som: „Ale Dan, museli sa čudovať,
že tam nebol skákací hrad.“
že tam nebol skákací hrad.“
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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A tak sme sa vrátili k tomuto.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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To mohol byť koniec príbehu.
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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ale spomenul som si, že hocičo
– čokoľvek –
– čokoľvek –
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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dokonca niečo také nudné
ako vystupovanie z auta –
ako vystupovanie z auta –
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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môže byť zábava,
ak nájdete tú správnu hru.
ak nájdete tú správnu hru.
05:29
So,
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Takže,
05:31
this is what I replied:
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odpísal som toto:
[Ďakujeme za váš e-mail -
číslo vášho prípadu je #0000001.]
číslo vášho prípadu je #0000001.]
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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05:36
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
05:39
(Applause)
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(potlesk)
05:44
And we just, uh ...
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A my sme len, eh...
05:46
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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Bolo to, akoby sme tancovali.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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Bol to nádherný vzťah.
05:52
We just kept going.
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Jednoducho sme išli.
05:55
It was lovely.
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Bolo to krásne.
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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Ale, úprimne, dalo to dosť veľa práce,
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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bolo treba robiť iné veci,
06:02
believe it or not.
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či mi veríte alebo nie.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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Čo som spravil; mám taký svoj malý
program na automatické e-mailové odpovede.
program na automatické e-mailové odpovede.
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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Nastavil som ho tak, aby keď dostane
e-mail zo SafeMartu,
e-mail zo SafeMartu,
vždy poslal odpoveď.
06:15
it just pings one back.
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06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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Teraz sa v ňom píše:
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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„Ďakujeme za váš e-mail,
číslo Vášho prípadu je...“
číslo Vášho prípadu je...“
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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Potom nasleduje malý vzorec, ktorý
má zakaždým zvýšiť číslo prípadu.
má zakaždým zvýšiť číslo prípadu.
06:24
And I put it on the server
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A nahral som to na server
06:26
and set it running.
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a spustil.
06:29
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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Budem úprimný,
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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potom som na to zabudol.
06:37
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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Nedávno som sa na to pozrel,
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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zdá sa, že si hore-dolu chodí
celkom dosť e-mailov.
celkom dosť e-mailov.
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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Sme na 21 439.
06:52
(Applause)
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(potlesk)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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Prináša mi to obrovský pocit spokojnosti,
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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keď viem, že tieto programy si jednoducho
budú pingať navzájom e-maily naveky.
budú pingať navzájom e-maily naveky.
07:06
for eternity.
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07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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Ako posolstvo to nie je vôbec zlé.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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Takže ľudia, toto si zapamätajte:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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Ak vás niekedy ťaží byrokracia
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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a nudná všednosť moderného života,
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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neodolávajte frustrácii.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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Dovoľte, aby bola katalyzátorom
07:28
for whimsy.
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pre trocha psiny.
07:31
(Laughter)
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(smiech)
07:34
Thank you.
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Ďakujem.
07:35
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com