TEDWomen 2016
Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger: Our story of rape and reconciliation
Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger: Simulizi letu la ubakaji na maridhiano
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Mwaka 1996, Elva Thordis alifurahia penzi la utotoni na Tom Stranger, mwanafunzi kutoka Australia. Baada ya sherehe ya Krismasi shuleni, Tom alimbaka Thordis, nahawakukutani baada ya miaka mingi. Katika majadiliano hayo ya ajabu, Elva na Stranger wanazungumzia miaka ya kuishi katika aibu na usiri, na kutualika kujadili changamoto ya hii kimataifa juu ya unyanyasaji wa kijinsia katika uaminifu mpya.
Kwa mjadala, tembelea go.ted.com/thordisandtom.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of sexual violence
and descriptions of sexual violence
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[Majadiliano yana lugha na maelezo ya ukatili wa kijinsia
00:15
Viewer discretion is advised]
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Mtazamaji anatahadharishwa]
00:16
Tom Stranger: In 1996,
when I was 18 years old,
when I was 18 years old,
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Tom Stranger: Mwaka 1996,
nilipokuwa nina miaka 18,
nilipokuwa nina miaka 18,
00:19
I had the golden opportunity to go
on an international exchange program.
on an international exchange program.
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Nilipata fursa ya kusoma nchi ngeni,
00:24
Ironically I'm an Australian
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
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La kushangaza mimi ni mzaliwa wa Australia anayependa baridi ya haswa,
00:27
so I was both excited and tearful
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
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hivyo nilikuwa na furaha na njonzi
nilipopanda ndege kwenda Iceland,
nilipopanda ndege kwenda Iceland,
00:32
after just having farewelled
my parents and brothers goodbye.
my parents and brothers goodbye.
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baada ya kuwaaga wazazi wangu na ndugu.
00:36
I was welcomed into the home
of a beautiful Icelandic family
of a beautiful Icelandic family
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Nilikaribishwa katika familia nzuri ya wana Iceland
00:39
who took me hiking,
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ambao walinichukua katika matembezi,
00:41
and helped me get a grasp
of the melodic Icelandic language.
of the melodic Icelandic language.
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na kunisaidia kuielewa lugha ya tuni ya wana Iceland.
00:45
I struggled a bit with the initial
period of homesickness.
period of homesickness.
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Mwanzo nilipambana na hisia za kutamani kurudi nyumbani
00:48
I snowboarded after school,
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Baada ya shule, nilicheza mchezo wa kuteleza juu ya barafu
00:50
and I slept a lot.
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na kulala sana.
00:52
Two hours of chemistry class in a language
that you don't yet fully understand
that you don't yet fully understand
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Masaa mawili ya Kemia katika lugha ambayo bado hujaielewa,
00:56
can be a pretty good sedative.
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inaweza kukuweka kulala vizuri.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Vicheko)
01:00
My teacher recommended
I try out for the school play,
I try out for the school play,
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Mwalimu wangu ilipendekeza
nishiriki katika igizo shuleni,
nishiriki katika igizo shuleni,
01:03
just to get me a bit more socially active.
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ilinijumuike na wengine shuleni.
01:06
It turns out I didn't end up
being part of the play,
being part of the play,
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Hata kama sikuwa sehemu ya igizo,
01:08
but through it I met Thordis.
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hapo nilikutana na Thordis.
01:11
We shared a lovely teenage romance,
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Tulifurahia simulizi letu la penzi la ujanani,
01:13
and we'd meet at lunchtimes
to just hold hands
to just hold hands
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tulikula wote mchana, ili tu kushika mikono
01:16
and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.
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na kutembea jiji la Reykjavík.
01:18
I met her welcoming family,
and she met my friends.
and she met my friends.
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Nilikutana na familia yake,
naye alikutana na marafiki zangu.
naye alikutana na marafiki zangu.
01:22
We'd been in a budding relationship
for a bit over a month
for a bit over a month
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Tulikuwa katika urafiki karibia zaidi ya mwezi
01:25
when our school's Christmas Ball was held.
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wakati shule iliandaa sherehe ya Krismasi
01:30
Thordis Elva: I was 16
and in love for the first time.
and in love for the first time.
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Thordis Elva: Nilikuwa miaka 16
na nimekutana penzi langu la kwanza.
na nimekutana penzi langu la kwanza.
01:33
Going together to the Christmas dance
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Kwenda pamoja kwa sherehe ya Krismasi
01:35
was a public confirmation
of our relationship,
of our relationship,
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Ilikuwa uthibitisho wa uhusiano wetu,
01:38
and I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.
girl in the world.
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na nilijisikia kama msichana mwenye bahati sana duniani.
01:41
No longer a child, but a young woman.
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Sio tena mtoto, lakini mwanamke.
01:44
High on my newfound maturity,
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mkakamavu katika upevu wangu mpya,
01:46
I felt it was only natural to try drinking
rum for the first time that night, too.
rum for the first time that night, too.
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Niliamini kuwa kujaribu kunywa
kilo kwa mara ya kwanza,
kilo kwa mara ya kwanza,
01:51
That was a bad idea.
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ulikuwa uamuzi mbaya.
01:53
I became very ill,
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Niliumwa sana,
01:55
drifting in and out of consciousness
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kupoteza fahamu na kutojielewa
01:56
in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.
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katika misukosuko ya kutapika.
02:00
The security guards wanted
to call me an ambulance,
to call me an ambulance,
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Walinzi walitaka kuniitia gari la wagonjwa,
02:03
but Tom acted as my knight
in shining armor,
in shining armor,
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lakini Tom aliatokea kuwa mkombezi wangu,
02:06
and told them he'd take me home.
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na kuwaambia atanipeleka nyumbani.
02:08
It was like a fairy tale,
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Ilikuwa kama simulizi za vichimbakazi,
02:10
his strong arms around me,
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mikono yake yenye nguvu ikinishikilia,
02:12
laying me in the safety of my bed.
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kuniweka katika usalama wa kitanda changu.
02:15
But the gratitude that I felt
towards him soon turned to horror
towards him soon turned to horror
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Lakini shukrani yang kwake iligeuka haraka kuwa woga
02:20
as he proceeded to take off my clothes
and get on top of me.
and get on top of me.
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aliponivua nguo na kupanda juu yangu.
02:25
My head had cleared up,
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nilikuwa nimepata fahamu,
02:26
but my body was still
too weak to fight back,
too weak to fight back,
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lakini mwili wangu ulikuwa bado
dhaifu mno kupambana,
dhaifu mno kupambana,
02:29
and the pain was blinding.
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na maumivu yalikuwa makali.
02:32
I thought I'd be severed in two.
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Nilidhani nimegawanywa mara mbili.
02:35
In order to stay sane,
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Ili kubaki timamu,
02:37
I silently counted the seconds
on my alarm clock.
on my alarm clock.
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nilihesabu sekunde kwenye saa yangu.
02:41
And ever since that night,
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Na tangu usiku huo,
02:43
I've known that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours.
seconds in two hours.
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Nimejua kwamba kuna sekunde 7200 katika masaa mawili.
02:51
Despite limping for days
and crying for weeks,
and crying for weeks,
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Pamoja na kuchechmea na kulia kwa mawiki,
02:54
this incident didn't fit my ideas
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
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tukio hili halikuwakilisha mawazo yangu kuhusu ubakaji kama nilivyoona kwenye TV.
02:59
Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;
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Tom hakuwa mwendawazimu mwenye silaha;
03:01
he was my boyfriend.
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alikuwa mpenzi wangu.
03:03
And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,
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Na haikutokea katika mahali pa ajabu,
03:05
it happened in my own bed.
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ilitokea katika kitanda changu mwenyewe.
03:08
By the time I could identify
what had happened to me as rape,
what had happened to me as rape,
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nilipotambua kwamba nimebakwa,
03:12
he had completed his exchange program
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alikuwa amemaliza masomo yake
03:14
and left for Australia.
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na kurudi kwao Australia.
03:16
So I told myself it was pointless
to address what had happened.
to address what had happened.
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Hivyo nilijiambia kuwa hakuna maana kufuatilia kilichotokea.
03:20
And besides,
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Na zaidi,
03:21
it had to have been my fault, somehow.
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ilibidi iwe kosa langu.
03:24
I was raised in a world
where girls are taught
where girls are taught
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Nilikulia katika dunia
ambapo wasichana hufundishwa
ambapo wasichana hufundishwa
03:27
that they get raped for a reason.
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kwamba wakibakwa ni kwa sababu.
03:29
Their skirt was too short,
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sketi zao ni fupi mno,
03:32
their smile was too wide,
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tabasamu zao kubwa mno,
03:34
their breath smelled of alcohol.
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pumzi yao inanuka kileo.
03:38
And I was guilty of all of those things,
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Nilikuwa na hatia ya mambo hayo yote,
03:40
so the shame had to be mine.
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hivyo aibu ilibidi iwe yangu.
03:43
It took me years to realize
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Ilinichukua miaka kutambua
03:45
that only one thing could have stopped me
from being raped that night,
from being raped that night,
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kwamba jambo moja tu ilngeweza kuzuia mimi kubakwa,
03:49
and it wasn't my skirt,
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haikuwa sketi yangu,
03:51
it wasn't my smile,
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haikuwa tabasamu langu,
03:53
it wasn't my childish trust.
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haikuwa imani yangu ya kitoto.
03:55
The only thing that could've stopped me
from being raped that night
from being raped that night
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Kitu pekee ambacho kingeweza kuzuia kubakwa
03:59
is the man who raped me --
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ni aliyenibaka --
04:01
had he stopped himself.
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kama angejizuia.
04:04
TS: I have vague memories of the next day:
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TS: Sina kumbukumbu nzuri ya siku ya pili
04:07
the after effects of drinking,
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athari ya kileo,
04:10
a certain hollowness
that I tried to stifle.
that I tried to stifle.
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utupu niliojaribu kukandamiza.
04:13
Nothing more.
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Hakuna cha ziada.
04:15
But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
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Lakini sikuenda kwa Thordis.
04:19
It is important to now state
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Sasa, ni muhimu kusema
04:21
that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
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kwamba sikuona tendo langu kwa ubaya wake..
04:24
The word "rape" didn't echo
around my mind as it should've,
around my mind as it should've,
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Neno "ubakaji" halikuwepo katika mawazo yangu kama ilivyotakiwa,
04:28
and I wasn't crucifying myself
with memories of the night before.
with memories of the night before.
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sikujisulibisha kwa kumbukumbu ya usiku uliopita.
04:33
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,
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Hata haikuwa mimi kukataa kwa fahamu,
04:35
it was more like any acknowledgment
of reality was forbidden.
of reality was forbidden.
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ila zaidi kuwa kukiri ukweli wowote ni haramu.
04:40
My definition of my actions completely
refuted any recognition
refuted any recognition
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Tafsiri yangu ya matendo yangu yalikanusha kutambua
04:44
of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
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madhara nilyomfanyia Thordis.
04:48
To be honest,
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Kusema ukweli,
04:49
I repudiated the entire act
in the days afterwards
in the days afterwards
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Nilikemea kitendo chote siku za baadaye
04:54
and when I was committing it.
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na wakati nilikuwa natenda.
04:57
I disavowed the truth by convincing
myself it was sex and not rape.
myself it was sex and not rape.
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Niliukataa ukweli kwa kuJIshawishi
ilikuwa ngono sio ubakaji.
ilikuwa ngono sio ubakaji.
05:02
And this is a lie I've felt
spine-bending guilt for.
spine-bending guilt for.
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Na huu ni uongo umekuwa ukiniwinda.
05:08
I broke up with Thordis
a couple of days later,
a couple of days later,
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Niliachana na Thordis siku kadhaa baadaye,
05:10
and then saw her a number of times
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nilimuona mara kadhaa
05:12
during the remainder
of my year in Iceland,
of my year in Iceland,
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katika muda wangu uliobaki Iceland,
05:14
feeling a sharp stab
of heavyheartedness each time.
of heavyheartedness each time.
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nilijisikia vibaya na roho nzito kila wakati.
05:18
Deep down, I knew I'd done
something immeasurably wrong.
something immeasurably wrong.
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Ndani, nilijua nimekosa vibaya mno.
05:23
But without planning it,
I sunk the memories deep,
I sunk the memories deep,
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Lakini bila kukusudia, nilikandamiza kumbukumbu yote
05:26
and then I tied a rock to them.
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ilikusahau kabisa.
05:30
What followed is a nine-year period
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Kilichofuata ni miaka tisa
05:31
that can best be titled
as "Denial and Running."
as "Denial and Running."
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ya "Kuukana na kuukimbia ukweli."
05:36
When I got a chance to identify
the real torment that I caused,
the real torment that I caused,
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Nilipopata nafasi ya kutambua
uhalisi wa unyama niliotenda,
uhalisi wa unyama niliotenda,
05:40
I didn't stand still long enough to do so.
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sikuweza kustahamili.
05:44
Whether it be via distraction,
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Nilihekaheka, iwe kwa
05:46
substance use,
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matumizi ya madawa,
05:47
thrill-seeking
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kutafuta hatari
05:49
or the scrupulous policing
of my inner speak,
of my inner speak,
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au kukandamika hisia zangu,
05:52
I refused to be static and silent.
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Nilikataa kukaa tuli na kimya.
05:56
And with this noise,
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Na sauti hiyo,
05:58
I also drew heavily
upon other parts of my life
upon other parts of my life
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nilitafakari katika sehemu nyingine za maisha yangu
06:01
to construct a picture of who I was.
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ili kujenga picha ya mimi ni nani.
06:04
I was a surfer,
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Nilikuwa surfer,
06:05
a social science student,
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mwanafunzi wa sayansi za jami,
06:07
a friend to good people,
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rafiki kwa watu wema,
06:09
a loved brother and son,
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kaka mpendwa na mwana,
06:12
an outdoor recreation guide,
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kiongozi wa burudani za nje ,
06:13
and eventually, a youth worker.
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na hatimaye, mfanyakazi wa mambo ya vijana.
06:16
I gripped tight to the simple notion
that I wasn't a bad person.
that I wasn't a bad person.
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Nilshikilia imani kuwa sikuwa mtu mbaya.
06:21
I didn't think I had this in my bones.
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Sikudhani nilikuwa na ukatili katika mifupa yangu.
06:24
I thought I was made up of something else.
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Nilidhani nilikuwa tofauti.
06:26
In my nurtured upbringing,
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Katika malezi yangu,
06:28
my loving extended family and role models,
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upendo wa familia na jamaa,
06:31
people close to me were warm and genuine
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watu wa karibu walikuwa wakarimu na wakweli
06:33
in their respect shown towards women.
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katika heshima yao kwa wanawake.
06:36
It took me a long time to stare down
this dark corner of myself,
this dark corner of myself,
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Ilinichukua muda mrefu kuangalia kona ya kiza changu,
06:41
and to ask it questions.
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na kujiuliza maswali hayo.
06:46
TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,
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TE: Miaka tisa tangu ile sherehe ya Krismasi,
06:48
I was 25 years old,
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Nilikuwa nina miaka 25,
06:49
and headed straight
for a nervous breakdown.
for a nervous breakdown.
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ninaelekea kuchanganyikiwa.
06:53
My self-worth was buried
under a soul-crushing load of silence
under a soul-crushing load of silence
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thamani yangu ilizikwa na usiri
06:56
that isolated me from everyone
that I cared about,
that I cared about,
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ulionitenga kutoka kwa kila mtu niliyemjali,
07:00
and I was consumed
with misplaced hatred and anger
with misplaced hatred and anger
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na chuki na hasira
07:02
that I took out on myself.
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niliyoelekeza kwangu mwenyewe.
07:05
One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears
of the door in tears
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Siku moja, nilitoka nje
kwa hasira na machozi
kwa hasira na machozi
07:08
after a fight with a loved one,
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baada ya kugombana na mpendwa,
07:10
and I wandered into a café,
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na kuingia katika café,
07:11
where I asked the waitress for a pen.
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ambapo niliomba kalamu.
07:14
I always had a notebook with me,
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Daima nilikuwa daftari pamoja nami,
07:16
claiming that it was to jot down ideas
in moments of inspiration,
in moments of inspiration,
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nikidai ilikuwa ni kwa ajili ya kuandika mawazo mapya,
07:20
but the truth was that I needed
to be constantly fidgeting,
to be constantly fidgeting,
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lakini ukweli ni kwamba nilihitaji
daima kuriaria,
daima kuriaria,
07:24
because in moments of stillness,
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kwa sababu katika wakati wa utulivu,
07:26
I found myself counting seconds again.
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nilijikuta nikihesabu sekunde tena.
07:30
But that day, I watched in wonder
as the words streamed out of my pen,
as the words streamed out of my pen,
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Lakini siku hiyo, nilistaajabu
jinsi maneno yalitoka kwenye kalamu yangu,
jinsi maneno yalitoka kwenye kalamu yangu,
07:35
forming the most pivotal letter
I've ever written,
I've ever written,
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kuandika barua muhimu maishani
07:38
addressed to Tom.
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kwa Tom.
07:40
Along with an account of the violence
that he subjected me to,
that he subjected me to,
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Pamoja na nakala ya ukatili alionitendea,
07:43
the words, "I want to find forgiveness"
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maneno, "Nataka kutafuta msamaha"
07:47
stared back at me,
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yalinishangaa,
07:48
surprising nobody more than myself.
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kunishangaza mimi hasa.
07:51
But deep down I realized that this
was my way out of my suffering,
was my way out of my suffering,
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Lakini ndani, niligundua hio
Ilikuwa ni njia ya kujikomboa mateso yangu,
Ilikuwa ni njia ya kujikomboa mateso yangu,
07:56
because regardless of whether or not
he deserved my forgiveness,
he deserved my forgiveness,
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kwa sababu, bila kujali kama alistahili msamaha wangu au la,
08:00
I deserved peace.
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mimi nilistahili amani.
08:03
My era of shame was over.
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Kipindi changu cha aibu kimefika kikomo.
08:08
Before sending the letter,
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Kabla ya kutuma barua,
08:09
I prepared myself for all kinds
of negative responses,
of negative responses,
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2747
nilijitayarisha kwa kila aina
ya majibu hasi,
ya majibu hasi,
08:12
or what I found likeliest:
no response whatsoever.
no response whatsoever.
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kuliko vote:
sikutarajia kupata jibu lolote.
sikutarajia kupata jibu lolote.
08:17
The only outcome
that I didn't prepare myself for
that I didn't prepare myself for
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Tokeo ambalo sikujiandaa tu
08:19
was the one that I then got --
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ndilo nililopata-
08:22
a typed confession from Tom,
full of disarming regret.
full of disarming regret.
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barua ya kukiri kutoka Tom, iliyojaa majuto.
08:27
As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned by silence.
had been imprisoned by silence.
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Yeye pia alikuwa amefungwa katika ukimya.
08:32
And this marked the start
of an eight-year-long correspondence
of an eight-year-long correspondence
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Na huo ndio mwanzo wa mawasiliano ya yetu yaliyodumu miaka nane
08:36
that God knows was never easy,
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Mungu anajua haikuwa rahisi kamwe,
08:38
but always honest.
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lakini daima ukweli.
08:41
I relieved myself of the burdens
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
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Nilitua dhulma yote niliyobeba,
08:45
and he, in turn, wholeheartedly
owned up to what he'd done.
owned up to what he'd done.
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na yeye, kwa moyo wote
alikiri alichofanya.
alikiri alichofanya.
08:49
Our written exchanges became a platform
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Mabadilishano yetu yakawa jukwaa la
08:51
to dissect the consequences of that night,
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kuchambua matokeo ya usiku ule,
08:54
and they were everything
from gut-wrenching
from gut-wrenching
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na ilikuwa kila kitu,
kutoka maneno yaliyoumiza
kutoka maneno yaliyoumiza
08:56
to healing beyond words.
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hadi uponyaji kupita maelezo.
08:59
And yet, it didn't bring about
closure for me.
closure for me.
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Na bado, haikuwa kunipa amani.
09:04
Perhaps because the email format
didn't feel personal enough,
didn't feel personal enough,
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Labda kwa sababu barua pepe haikua binafsi ya kutosha,
09:07
perhaps because it's easy to be brave
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1911
labda kwa sababu ni rahisi kuwa jasiri
09:09
when you're hiding behind a computer
screen on the other side of the planet.
screen on the other side of the planet.
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wakati unajificha nyuma ya kompyuta upande wa pili wa dunia
09:13
But we'd begun a dialogue
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Lakini tulianza mjadala
09:15
that I felt was necessary
to explore to its fullest.
to explore to its fullest.
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niliyohisi ni lazima kuchunguza kikamilifu.
09:20
So, after eight years of writing,
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Hivyo, baada ya miaka nane ya kuandikiana,
09:22
and nearly 16 years after that dire night,
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na karibia miaka 16 tangia usiku ule,
09:25
I mustered the courage
to propose a wild idea:
to propose a wild idea:
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nilikwamua ujasiri kupendekeza:
09:29
that we'd meet up in person
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kwamba tukutane uso kwa uso
09:31
and face our past once and for all.
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kuongelea historia yetu na kumalizana kabisa.
09:37
TS: Iceland and Australia
are geographically like this.
are geographically like this.
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TS: Kijiografia, Iceland na Australia zipo hivi.
09:41
In the middle of the two is South Africa.
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Katikati, ni Afrika Kusini.
09:44
We decided upon the city of Cape Town,
188
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Tuliamua kukutana mji wa Cape Town,
09:46
and there we met for one week.
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2044
kwa wiki moja.
09:50
The city itself proved to be
a stunningly powerful environment
a stunningly powerful environment
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mji wenyewe ulikuwa ni uthibitisho fika kwa mazingira
09:53
to focus on reconciliation
and forgiveness.
and forgiveness.
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ya kufikia maridhiano
na msamaha.
na msamaha.
09:57
Nowhere else has healing
and rapprochement been tested
and rapprochement been tested
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Hakuna mahali pengine ambapo uponyaji wa mahusiano yamejaribiwa
10:00
like it has in South Africa.
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kama nchini Afrika Kusini.
10:03
As a nation, South Africa sought
to sit within the truth of its past,
to sit within the truth of its past,
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3867
Kama taifa, Afrika Kusini walitaka
kuishi katika ukweli wa historia,
kuishi katika ukweli wa historia,
10:06
and to listen to the details
of its history.
of its history.
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2403
na kuwasikiliza maelezo ya historia yake.
10:10
Knowing this only magnified the effect
that Cape Town had on us.
that Cape Town had on us.
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3749
Kujua hii tu, athari ya Cape Town iliongezeka kwetu .
10:16
Over the course of this week,
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Katika kipindi cha wiki hio,
10:17
we literally spoke
our life stories to each other,
our life stories to each other,
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tulisimuliana hadithi ya maisha yetu kwa kila mmoja,
kuanzia manzo hai mwisho.
10:20
from start to finish.
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1590
10:23
And this was about analyzing
our own history.
our own history.
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Na kuchambua historia yetu wenyewe.
10:27
We followed a strict policy
of being honest,
of being honest,
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Tulifuata sera kali ya kuwa wakweli,
10:30
and this also came
with a certain exposure,
with a certain exposure,
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hii ilimaanisha kujiweka wazi,
10:33
an open-chested vulnerability.
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1906
uwazi kuhusu kasoro na mapungufu yetu.
10:36
There were gutting confessions,
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624312
2127
Kulikuwa na kukiri,
10:38
and moments where we just
absolutely couldn't fathom
absolutely couldn't fathom
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2824
na wakati ambapo sote hatukuweza kudhania kabisa
10:41
the other person's experience.
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1808
maaumivu ya mwingine.
10:44
The seismic effects of sexual violence
were spoken aloud and felt,
were spoken aloud and felt,
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4894
Madhara ya ukatili wa kijinsia
yalisemwa kwa sauti na hisia,
yalisemwa kwa sauti na hisia,
10:49
face to face.
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1330
uso kwa uso.
10:51
At other times, though,
209
639979
1503
Wakati mwingine,
10:53
we found a soaring clarity,
210
641506
2634
tuligundua ubayana uliyongezeka,
10:57
and even some totally unexpected
but liberating laughter.
but liberating laughter.
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na hata vicheko visivyotarajiwa
lakini vilitukomboa .
lakini vilitukomboa .
11:03
When it came down to it,
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Ki ukweli,
11:04
we did out best to listen
to each other intently.
to each other intently.
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3628
tulijitahidi kusikilizana kwa makini.
11:09
And our individual realities
were aired with an unfiltered purity
were aired with an unfiltered purity
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5841
Na hali halisi yetu binafsi ziliwasilihwa kwa uhalisia wake
11:15
that couldn't do any less
than lighten the soul.
than lighten the soul.
215
663269
2376
kwamba hatukuweza kufanya lolote
kuliko kurahisha uzito wa nafsi.
kuliko kurahisha uzito wa nafsi.
11:20
TE: Wanting to take revenge
is a very human emotion --
is a very human emotion --
216
668508
4045
TE: Kutaka kulipiza kisasi
ni hisia ya kawaida kama binadamu --
ni hisia ya kawaida kama binadamu --
11:24
instinctual, even.
217
672577
1638
ya kiasili, hata.
11:26
And all I wanted to do for years
218
674829
2011
Nilichotaka kufanya kwa miaka yote
11:28
was to hurt Tom back as deeply
as he had hurt me.
as he had hurt me.
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3969
ni kumdhuru Tom kama alivyoniumiza.
11:33
But had I not found a way
out of the hatred and anger,
out of the hatred and anger,
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3053
Lakini sikupata njia ya kutoa chuki na hasira yangu,
11:36
I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.
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2165
sina hakika kama ningekuwa nasimama hapa leo.
11:40
That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts along the way.
my doubts along the way.
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3927
Hivyo siyo kusema kwamba sikuwa na mashaka yangu njiani.
11:44
When the plane bounced
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
223
692689
3661
Ndege ilipotua Cape Town,
11:48
I remember thinking,
224
696374
1603
Nakumbuka kufikiri,
11:50
"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
225
698001
4206
"Kwa nini sikujipatia mtaalamu na chupa ya vodka
11:54
like a normal person would do?"
226
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2216
kama mtu wa kawaida? "
11:56
(Laughter)
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2920
(Vicheko)
11:59
At times, our search
for understanding in Cape Town
for understanding in Cape Town
228
707415
3205
Wakati mwingine, utafiti wetu
wa uelewa Cape Town
wa uelewa Cape Town
12:02
felt like an impossible quest,
229
710644
2167
ulionekana kama jitihada isiyowezekana,
12:04
and all I wanted to do was to give up
230
712835
2099
na nilitaka kukata tu tamaa
12:06
and go home to my loving
husband, Vidir,
husband, Vidir,
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714958
2216
na kurudi nyumbani kwa mume wangu mpenzi, Vidir,
12:09
and our son.
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1211
na mtoto wetu.
12:11
But despite our difficulties,
233
719994
2363
Lakini licha ya matatizo yetu,
12:14
this journey did result
in a victorious feeling
in a victorious feeling
234
722381
4628
safari hii ilileta hisia ya ushindi
12:19
that light had triumphed over darkness,
235
727033
3133
kwamba mwanga umeshinda giza,
12:22
that something constructive
could be built out of the ruins.
could be built out of the ruins.
236
730812
4312
kwamba kitu chema kinaweza kujengwa kutoka kwa magofu.
12:28
I read somewhere
237
736572
1325
Nilisoma mahali fulani
12:29
that you should try and be the person
that you needed when you were younger.
that you needed when you were younger.
238
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3861
kwamba unapaswa kujaribu na kuwa mtu uliyehitaji ulipokuwa mtoto.
12:33
And back when I was a teenager,
239
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1584
Na nilipokuwa kijana,
12:35
I would have needed to know
that the shame wasn't mine,
that the shame wasn't mine,
240
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3848
Ningependa kujua kwamba aibu haikuwa yangu,
12:39
that there's hope after rape,
241
747286
2514
kwamba kuna matumaini baada ya kubakwa,
12:41
that you can even find happiness,
242
749824
1595
kwamba unaweza hata kupata furaha,
12:43
like I share with my husband today.
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1890
kama niliyonayo na mume wangu leo.
12:45
Which is why I started writing feverishly
upon my return from Cape Town,
upon my return from Cape Town,
244
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4355
Ndiyo maana niliaanza kuandika niliporudi kutoka Cape Town,
12:50
resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,
245
758240
2724
kitabu na mwandishi mwenzangu Tom,
12:52
that we hope can be of use
to people from both ends
to people from both ends
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3185
kwamba tuna imani kinaweza kuwa msaada kwa pande zote mbili,
12:56
of the perpetrator-survivor scale.
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2304
aliyetendwa na kutenda.
12:59
If nothing else,
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1454
Vinginevyo,
13:00
it's a story that we would've needed
to hear when we were younger.
to hear when we were younger.
249
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4135
ni hadithi tulipaswa kusikia tulipokuwa vijana.
13:06
Given the nature of our story,
250
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1821
Kutokana na hali ya hadithi yetu,
13:08
I know the words
that inevitably accompany it --
that inevitably accompany it --
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2776
Najua maneno ambayo huambatana nayo -
13:11
victim, rapist --
252
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2556
muathirika, mbakaji --
13:14
and labels are a way to organize concepts,
253
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2255
na majina yanayotumika kuapanga dhana,
13:16
but they can also be dehumanizing
in their connotations.
in their connotations.
254
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4382
lakini wanaweza pia huvua utu katika vidokezo yanavyomaanisha.
13:21
Once someone's been deemed a victim,
255
789838
2100
Mtu anapoonyeshwa kama muathirika,
13:23
it's that much easier to file them away
as someone damaged,
as someone damaged,
256
791962
5233
ni rahisi sana kumpuuza kama bidhaa mbovu,
13:29
dishonored,
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1506
fedheha,
13:30
less than.
258
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1275
isiyo na thamani.
13:32
And likewise, once someone
has been branded a rapist,
has been branded a rapist,
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2720
Na vivyo hivyo, mara moja mtu
anapoitwa mbakaji,
anapoitwa mbakaji,
13:35
it's that much easier
to call him a monster --
to call him a monster --
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2546
ni rahisi zaidi kumuita zimwi -
13:38
inhuman.
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1299
mnyama.
13:40
But how will we understand
what it is in human societies
what it is in human societies
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3031
Lakini ni jinsi gani tutaelewa
nini katika jamii
nini katika jamii
13:43
that produces violence
263
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1581
kinazalisha ukatili
13:45
if we refuse to recognize
the humanity of those who commit it?
the humanity of those who commit it?
264
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4479
kama sisi kunataa kutambua
utu katika wale wanaoufanya?
utu katika wale wanaoufanya?
13:50
And how --
265
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1164
Na jinsi -
13:51
(Applause)
266
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2179
(Makofi)
13:53
And how can we empower survivors
if we're making them feel less than?
if we're making them feel less than?
267
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5368
Na tunawezaje kuwawezesha waliopitia taabu kama hatuwathamini?
14:00
How can we discuss solutions
to one of the biggest threats
to one of the biggest threats
268
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3427
Jinsi gani tunaweza kujadili ufumbuzi
kwa moja ya vitisho kubwa
kwa moja ya vitisho kubwa
14:03
to the lives of women and children
around the world,
around the world,
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3274
katika maisha ya wanawake na watoto
duniani kote,
duniani kote,
14:06
if the very words we use
are part of the problem?
are part of the problem?
270
834821
3823
kama majina tunayotumia
ni sehemu ya tatizo?
ni sehemu ya tatizo?
14:13
TS: From what I've now learnt,
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2492
TS: Nilichojifunza,
14:16
my actions that night in 1996
were a self-centered taking.
were a self-centered taking.
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4573
matendo yangu usiku ule mwaka 1996
yalikuwa ya kibinafsi.
yalikuwa ya kibinafsi.
14:22
I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
273
850028
2123
Nilijisikia kustahili mwili wa Thordis.
14:25
I've had primarily positive
social influences
social influences
274
853743
2865
Nilikuwa na misingi mizuri katika malezi na kijamii
14:28
and examples of equitable
behavior around me.
behavior around me.
275
856632
2541
na mifano ya tabia usawa.
14:31
But on that occasion,
276
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1197
Lakini katika tukio hilo,
14:33
I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
277
861051
2104
Nilichagua kufuata mifano mibaya.
14:35
The ones that see women
as having less intrinsic worth,
as having less intrinsic worth,
278
863716
2896
Ambayo wanawake walikuwa na thamani
ya chini ,
ya chini ,
14:39
and of men having some unspoken
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
279
867687
4411
na wanaume wana hati juu ya miili yao.
14:45
These influences I speak of
are external to me, though.
are external to me, though.
280
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3009
Misukumo hii ilitokea nje kwangu.
14:49
And it was only me in that room
making choices,
making choices,
281
877582
2781
Ilikuwa mimi pekee katika chumba nifanya maamuzi,
14:52
nobody else.
282
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1228
hakuna mtu mwingine.
14:54
When you own something
283
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1785
Unapokiri kosa
14:56
and really square up to your culpability,
284
884778
2618
na kweli kuchukua hatia kwa matendo yako,
15:00
I do think a surprising thing can happen.
285
888259
2323
ninaamini mambo ya kushangaza yanaweza kutokea.
15:03
It's what I call a paradox of ownership.
286
891249
2307
Hiko nachoita kitendawili cha umiliki.
15:06
I thought I'd buckle
under the weight of responsibility.
under the weight of responsibility.
287
894989
2792
Nilidhani ningeelemewa na uzito wa wajibu.
15:10
I thought my certificate
of humanity would be burnt.
of humanity would be burnt.
288
898377
2883
Nilidhani cheti changu
cha ubinadamu kingechomwa moto.
cha ubinadamu kingechomwa moto.
15:14
Instead, I was offered
to really own what I did,
to really own what I did,
289
902476
3746
Badala yake, nilipewa umiliki wa makosa yangu,
15:19
and found that it didn't possess
the entirety of who I am.
the entirety of who I am.
290
907148
3260
na kutambua kwamba haikumiliki ukamilifu wa mimi ni nani.
15:23
Put simply,
291
911460
1361
Kurahisisha,
15:24
something you've done doesn't have
to constitute the sum of who you are.
to constitute the sum of who you are.
292
912845
4516
kitendo ulichofanya haliwezi kuwa Jumla ya nafsi na utu wako.
15:30
The noise in my head abated.
293
918659
1658
Sauti katika kichwa changu zilikoma.
15:32
The indulgent self-pity
was starved of oxygen,
was starved of oxygen,
294
920951
4028
Anasa ya kujihurumia iliyokuwa imekosa oksijeni,
15:37
and it was replaced
with the clean air of acceptance --
with the clean air of acceptance --
295
925003
4473
na kubadilishwa
na hewa safi ya kukubalika -
na hewa safi ya kukubalika -
15:42
an acceptance that I did hurt
this wonderful person standing next to me;
this wonderful person standing next to me;
296
930658
4284
kukubalika kwamba nilimdhuru binadamu huyu wa ajabu anayesimama karibu na mimi;
15:46
an acceptance that I am part of a large
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
297
934966
5599
kukubalika kwamba mimi ni sehemu ya kundi kubwa la kutisha la wanaume
15:52
who have been sexually violent
toward their partners.
toward their partners.
298
940589
2682
ambao wamekuwa wakatili kwa wapenzi wao.
15:56
Don't underestimate the power of words.
299
944931
2409
Usidharau nguvu ya maneno.
16:00
Saying to Thordis that I raped her
changed my accord with myself,
changed my accord with myself,
300
948372
4641
Kutubu kwa Thordis kwamba nilimbaka
ilibadili hiari yangu na mimi mwenyewe,
ilibadili hiari yangu na mimi mwenyewe,
16:05
as well as with her.
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1260
na pia na yeye.
16:07
But most importantly,
302
955517
1472
Lakini muhimu zaidi,
16:09
the blame transferred from Thordis to me.
303
957013
3076
lawama ilhamishwa kutoka kwa Thordis kwangu.
16:13
Far too often,
304
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1151
Mara nyingi mno,
16:14
the responsibility is attributed
to female survivors of sexual violence,
to female survivors of sexual violence,
305
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4584
wajibu ni ulitokana
kwa waathirika wa kike wa ukatili wa kijinsia,
kwa waathirika wa kike wa ukatili wa kijinsia,
16:19
and not to the males who enact it.
306
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2511
na si kwa wanaume ambao kutunga yake.
16:22
Far too often,
307
970736
1150
Mara nyingi mno,
16:23
the denial and running leaves all parties
at a great distance from the truth.
at a great distance from the truth.
308
971910
5082
kuukana ukweli huwaacha wahusika mbali na ukweli.
16:30
There's definitely a public
conversation happening now,
conversation happening now,
309
978984
2780
Kuna mazungumzo katika umma sasa,
16:34
and like a lot of people,
310
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2179
na kama watu wengi,
16:36
we're heartened
that there's less retreating
that there's less retreating
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tuna imanishwa na hamasa ndogo
16:39
from this difficult
but important discussion.
but important discussion.
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kwa majadiliano haya magumu
lakini muhimu.
lakini muhimu.
16:43
I feel a real responsibility
to add our voices to it.
to add our voices to it.
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Ninasikia wajibu kuongeza sauti zetu.
16:50
TE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing for others.
that we're prescribing for others.
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TE: Tulichofanya sio formula tunayopendekeza kwa wengine.
16:55
Nobody has the right to tell anyone else
how to handle their deepest pain
how to handle their deepest pain
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Hakuna mtu ana haki ya kuwaambia mtu mwingine namna ya kushughulikia maumivu yao
17:00
or their greatest error.
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au kosa lao mkuu.
17:03
Breaking your silence is never easy,
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Kuvunja ukimya yako si rahisi kamwe,
17:05
and depending on where
you are in the world,
you are in the world,
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na kutegemea ni wapi katika dunia ulipo,
17:07
it can even be deadly
to speak out about rape.
to speak out about rape.
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inaweza hata kuwa ni kifo
kuzungumzia kuhusu ubakaji.
kuzungumzia kuhusu ubakaji.
17:12
I realize that even the most
traumatic event of my life
traumatic event of my life
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Nimetambua hata tukio baya la maisha yangu,
17:16
is still a testament to my privilege,
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bado ni ushahidi wa upendeleo kwangu,
17:18
because I can talk about it
without getting ostracized,
without getting ostracized,
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kwa sababu naweza kuzugumzia bila hofu ya unyanyapaa
17:22
or even killed.
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au hata kuuawa.
17:24
But with that privilege of having a voice
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Lakini pamoja na upendeleo wa kuwa na sauti
17:27
comes the responsibility of using it.
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huja wajibu wa kuitumia.
17:30
That's the least I owe
my fellow survivors who can't.
my fellow survivors who can't.
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Hiyo ni angalau mimi deni
langu kwa wenzangu wasiyoweza.
langu kwa wenzangu wasiyoweza.
17:36
The story we've just relayed is unique,
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hadithi tuliyowasilisha ni ya kipekee,
17:39
and yet it is so common with sexual
violence being a global pandemic.
violence being a global pandemic.
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na bado ni ukatili wa kijinsia ni janga la kimataifa.
17:44
But it doesn't have to be that way.
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Lakini haifai kuwa njia hivyo.
17:47
One of the things that I found useful
on my own healing journey
on my own healing journey
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Moja ya mambo nimeona muhimu
katika safari yangu ya uponyaji
katika safari yangu ya uponyaji
17:50
is educating myself about sexual violence.
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ni kujielimisha kuhusu ukatili wa kijinsia.
17:53
And as a result,
I've been reading, writing
I've been reading, writing
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Na matokeo yake,
Nimekuwa nikisoma, kuandika
Nimekuwa nikisoma, kuandika
17:55
and speaking about this issue
for over a decade now,
for over a decade now,
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na kuzungumzia suala hili kwa zaidi ya muongo mmoja sasa,
17:58
going to conferences around the world.
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kwenda katika makongamano duniani kote.
18:01
And in my experience,
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Katika uzoefu wangu,
18:03
the attendees of such events
are almost exclusively women.
are almost exclusively women.
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wanaohudhuria mijadala hayo
ni karibia wanawake pekee.
ni karibia wanawake pekee.
18:09
But it's about time that we stop treating
sexual violence as a women's issue.
sexual violence as a women's issue.
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Lakini ni wakati tuache kuona
unyanyasaji wa kijinsia kama ya tatizo la wanawake tu.
unyanyasaji wa kijinsia kama ya tatizo la wanawake tu.
18:15
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
18:29
A majority of sexual violence
against women and men
against women and men
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Ukatili wa kijinsia dhidi ya wanawake na wanaume
18:33
is perpetrated by men.
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unaofanywa na wanaume.
18:35
And yet their voices are sorely
underrepresented in this discussion.
underrepresented in this discussion.
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Na bado sauti zao haziwakilishwi ipasavyo katika mjadala huu.
18:40
But all of us are needed here.
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Lakini sisi sote tunahitajika hapa.
18:45
Just imagine all the suffering
we could alleviate
we could alleviate
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Fikiria mateso tunaweza kupunguza
18:49
if we dared to face this issue together.
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kama sisi alijitokeza uso suala hili kwa pamoja.
18:54
Thank you.
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Asanteni.
18:56
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - WriterThordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.
Why you should listen
Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.
As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.
Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."
Why you should listen
Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.
Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.
Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com