20:28
TED2014

Andrew Solomon: How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are

安德鲁·所罗门: 生命中最惨痛的时刻如何造就我们

Filmed:

作家安德鲁·所罗门一生都在阐述关于艰辛的故事。现在他转向自己,带给我们一个充满挣扎的童年,同时简述着他近年来遇见的勇敢的人们的故事。在这个动人,衷心而时而完全幽默的演讲中,所罗门呼吁我们从最大的挑战中找寻意义。

- Writer
Andrew Solomon writes about politics, culture and psychology. Full bio

As a student of adversity,
我从逆境中学习:
00:12
I've been struck over the years
这些年来,我一次又一次
00:16
by how some people
被人们如何
00:17
with major challenges
从极大的挑战中
00:19
seem to draw strength from them,
得到力量而震撼,
00:21
and I've heard the popular wisdom
人们说,
00:24
that that has to do with finding meaning.
这和找寻生命的意义有关。
00:26
And for a long time,
很长一段时间,
00:28
I thought the meaning was out there,
我以为生命的意义在某一处
00:30
some great truth waiting to be found.
它是等待被发掘的真理。
00:32
But over time, I've come to feel
但随着时间的迁移,我渐渐感到
00:35
that the truth is irrelevant.
真理无关紧要
00:38
We call it finding meaning,
我们称它为找寻意义,
00:40
but we might better call it forging meaning.
但或许我们该更准确地称它铸造意义。
00:42
My last book was about how families
我上一本书讲的是家庭
00:47
manage to deal with various kinds of challenging
如何应对各种让人伤脑筋的,
00:49
or unusual offspring,
或不寻常的儿女们,
00:52
and one of the mothers I interviewed,
我访问了一位有两名
00:54
who had two children with
multiple severe disabilities,
患有多重残疾的孩童的母亲,
00:56
said to me, "People always give us
她对我说:“人们总是给予我们
00:59
these little sayings like,
一些所谓的名言,例如
01:02
'God doesn't give you any
more than you can handle,'
‘上帝不会给你多过你能承载的’
01:03
but children like ours
但是像我家这样的孩子
01:07
are not preordained as a gift.
并不是天生就注定是份礼物。
01:09
They're a gift because that's what we have chosen."
他们是一份礼物,是因为我们选择如此。”
01:13
We make those choices all our lives.
我们一生中有很多这样的选择。
01:18
When I was in second grade,
我小学二年级的时候,
01:22
Bobby Finkel had a birthday party
鲍比开了个生日派对
01:25
and invited everyone in our class but me.
他邀请了班上的所有人,除了我 。
01:27
My mother assumed there
had been some sort of error,
我妈妈认为一定是出了什么差错,
01:32
and she called Mrs. Finkel,
所以给鲍比的母亲打了电话,
01:34
who said that Bobby didn't like me
鲍比的母亲说,鲍比不喜欢我,
01:36
and didn't want me at his party.
不想让我参加他的派对。
01:38
And that day, my mom took me to the zoo
那天,我妈妈带我去了动物园
01:42
and out for a hot fudge sundae.
并去吃了焦糖冰激凌。
01:45
When I was in seventh grade,
我在7年级(初中一年级)时,
01:48
one of the kids on my school bus
我乘坐的校车上有个孩子
01:49
nicknamed me "Percy"
叫我:‘波西’ (发音似女式手提包)
01:52
as a shorthand for my demeanor,
取笑我的言行举止,
01:54
and sometimes, he and his cohort
有时,他和他的伙伴
01:56
would chant that provocation
会在整个校车的路途上
01:59
the entire school bus ride,
不停的吆喝着这个挑衅,
02:02
45 minutes up, 45 minutes back,
去学校的45分钟,回家的45分钟,
02:03
"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"
‘波西!波西!波西!波西!’
02:07
When I was in eighth grade,
当我8年级(初中二年级)的时候,
02:12
our science teacher told us
我们的科学老师告诉我们,
02:14
that all male homosexuals
所有的男性同性恋者
02:16
develop fecal incontinence
都会大便失禁
02:18
because of the trauma to their anal sphincter.
因为他们的肛门肌肉受到创伤。
02:20
And I graduated high school
我直到高中毕业,
02:25
without ever going to the cafeteria,
我都从没去过学校的食堂,
02:26
where I would have sat with the girls
在那儿我如果和女生坐在一起,
02:29
and been laughed at for doing so,
那么我会被笑话,
02:31
or sat with the boys
或者如果我和男生坐在一起
02:33
and been laughed at for being a boy
那么我会被笑话为一个
02:35
who should be sitting with the girls.
本应该跟女生坐在一起的男生。
02:37
I survived that childhood through a mix
我用了忍耐加上逃避,
02:39
of avoidance and endurance.
才熬过了我的童年。
02:42
What I didn't know then,
我当时不知道,
02:45
and do know now,
但我现在明白了:
02:47
is that avoidance and endurance
逃避和忍耐
02:49
can be the entryway to forging meaning.
是铸造意义的入口通道。
02:51
After you've forged meaning,
铸造了意义以后,
02:56
you need to incorporate that meaning
你必须把这个意义融入
02:58
into a new identity.
一个新的身份。
03:00
You need to take the traumas and make them part
你需要把创伤变成
03:02
of who you've come to be,
你自身的一部分,
03:06
and you need to fold the worst events of your life
你必须把生命中最糟糕的时间,
03:08
into a narrative of triumph,
揉搓成胜利的故事,
03:11
evincing a better self
用更好的自己
03:13
in response to things that hurt.
来还击能伤害你的事物。
03:15
One of the other mothers I interviewed
我在写我的书时,
03:18
when I was working on my book
访问了一位母亲,
03:20
had been raped as an adolescent,
她年少时被强奸,
03:22
and had a child following that rape,
而在那之后她怀了孩子,
03:25
which had thrown away her career plans
这摧毁了她的事业计划
03:28
and damaged all of her emotional relationships.
也使她的情感关系受创。
03:31
But when I met her, she was 50,
当我遇见她时,她已经50岁了,
03:35
and I said to her,
我问她,
03:38
"Do you often think about the man who raped you?"
“你常想起那个强奸你的男人吗?”
03:39
And she said, "I used to think about him with anger,
而她回答道:“我曾经对他很气愤,
03:42
but now only with pity."
但现在只有怜悯。”
03:46
And I thought she meant pity because he was
我以为她所说的怜悯是因为
03:48
so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing.
只有粗鄙的男人才能做出如此不堪的事情。
03:51
And I said, "Pity?"
我问她:“怜悯?”
03:54
And she said, "Yes,
她回答到:“是的,
03:56
because he has a beautiful daughter
因为他有一个美丽的女儿
03:57
and two beautiful grandchildren
和两个美丽的孙子孙女
04:00
and he doesn't know that, and I do.
但他并不知道,而我知道。
04:02
So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."
所以显然,我是幸运的。”
04:06
Some of our struggles are things we're born to:
有些挣扎是先天的:
04:12
our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability.
我们的性别,性倾向,种族,残疾。
04:15
And some are things that happen to us:
有些是后天发生的事情:
04:21
being a political prisoner, being a rape victim,
成为政治犯,成为强奸的受害者,
04:23
being a Katrina survivor.
成为飓风卡特里娜的幸存者。
04:27
Identity involves entering a community
身份意味着进入一个社群
04:29
to draw strength from that community,
从社群中得到力量,
04:32
and to give strength there too.
并同时给予那社群力量。
04:35
It involves substituting "and" for "but" --
这需要把“但是”转换成“而且”
04:37
not "I am here but I have cancer,"
不是“我在这儿但是我有癌症”
04:42
but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."
而是,“我有癌症而且我在这里。”
04:46
When we're ashamed,
当我们对自己感到惭愧,
04:51
we can't tell our stories,
我们就无法阐述自己的故事,
04:53
and stories are the foundation of identity.
而故事是身份的基础。
04:55
Forge meaning, build identity,
铸造意义,建立身份,
05:00
forge meaning and build identity.
铸造意义并建立身份,
05:04
That became my mantra.
这变成了我的口头禅。
05:07
Forging meaning is about changing yourself.
铸造意义所需要的是改变自己。
05:10
Building identity is about changing the world.
建立身份所需要的是改变世界。
05:13
All of us with stigmatized identities
所有像我这样身份沾有污点的人
05:17
face this question daily:
每天都必须面对这个问题:
05:19
how much to accommodate society
我该多大限度地通过禁锢自己
05:21
by constraining ourselves,
来迁就社会
05:24
and how much to break the limits
我该多大限度地打破所谓
05:26
of what constitutes a valid life?
正确生活的底线?
05:29
Forging meaning and building identity
铸造意义和建立身份
05:32
does not make what was wrong right.
不会把错的变成对的。
05:35
It only makes what was wrong precious.
只会把错误的变得珍贵。
05:38
In January of this year,
今年一月,
05:43
I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners,
我前往缅甸访问政治囚犯,
05:45
and I was surprised to find them less bitter
而我惊讶地发现他们
05:49
than I'd anticipated.
没有我想象中的那么怀恨。
05:52
Most of them had knowingly committed
他们大多在知情的情况下
05:53
the offenses that landed them in prison,
犯下了让他们入狱的罪行,
05:55
and they had walked in with their heads held high,
而他们昂首挺胸地走入监狱,
05:58
and they walked out with their heads
多年后,他们依然昂首
06:01
still held high, many years later.
地走出监狱。
06:03
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist
马提达博士,一位人活跃的权运动领袖
06:07
who had nearly died in prison
曾经几乎丧命于狱中
06:10
and had spent many years in solitary confinement,
并在单独禁锢中度过多年,
06:12
told me she was grateful to her jailers
但她告诉我她很感谢她的囚监
06:15
for the time she had had to think,
给她思考的时间,
06:19
for the wisdom she had gained,
让她得到了许多的智慧,
06:21
for the chance to hone her meditation skills.
和增进她的沉思的能力。
06:23
She had sought meaning
她追寻了意义,
06:27
and made her travail into a crucial identity.
并把她受的难变成了重要的身份。
06:29
But if the people I met
但如果我见到的人们
06:33
were less bitter than I'd anticipated
没我想象的中那么怀恨
06:35
about being in prison,
他们在狱中的时间,
06:37
they were also less thrilled than I'd expected
他们也没有我想象的
06:38
about the reform process going on
对他们国家的政治改革
06:41
in their country.
那么高兴。
06:43
Ma Thida said,
马提达说:
06:45
"We Burmese are noted
“我们缅甸人出了名的
06:47
for our tremendous grace under pressure,
在压力下能保持优雅,
06:48
but we also have grievance under glamour,"
但在华丽表象下却有不满,”
06:52
she said, "and the fact that there have been
他说道,“我们曾经历
06:56
these shifts and changes
这些动荡和改变
06:58
doesn't erase the continuing problems
并不能消除我们
07:00
in our society
在狱中学会看清的
07:02
that we learned to see so well
社会中
07:04
while we were in prison."
长久以来的问题。”
07:06
And I understood her to be saying
而我所理解她所说的是
07:08
that concessions confer only a little humanity,
相比完整的人性所需要的,
07:10
where full humanity is due,
妥协换来的只是一小部分的人性
07:14
that crumbs are not the same
这就像面包屑并不等于
07:16
as a place at the table,
饭桌前就餐的位置
07:18
which is to say you can forge meaning
而这意味着你可以在铸造意义
07:20
and build identity and still be mad as hell.
和寻求身份的同时十分气愤。
07:23
I've never been raped,
我不曾被强奸,
07:29
and I've never been in anything
remotely approaching
我也不曾体验过任何
07:31
a Burmese prison,
接近缅甸监狱的事情,
07:34
but as a gay American,
但身为一名同性恋的美国人,
07:36
I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,
我经历过歧视甚至仇恨,
07:37
and I've forged meaning and I've built identity,
而我也曾铸造过意义和建造了身份,
07:42
which is a move I learned from people
这是我从经历过比我
07:46
who had experienced far worse privation
更多困苦的人身上
07:48
than I've ever known.
学习到的法则。
07:51
In my own adolescence,
我年少时,
07:53
I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.
曾经千辛万苦地努力成为异性恋者。
07:55
I enrolled myself in something called
我为自己报名参加了称为
07:59
sexual surrogacy therapy,
性替代品的疗法。
08:01
in which people I was encouraged to call doctors
所谓的医生为我
08:03
prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises
和所谓替代品女人
08:07
with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,
规定了所谓的练习,
08:10
who were not exactly prostitutes
她们并不是妓女,
08:14
but who were also not exactly anything else.
但除了妓女却也什么都不是。
08:17
(Laughter)
(笑声)
08:20
My particular favorite
我最喜爱的
08:24
was a blonde woman from the Deep South
是从南部来的一位金发女郎,
08:26
who eventually admitted to me
她最终向我坦白
08:28
that she was really a necrophiliac
她是个恋尸癖
08:30
and had taken this job after she got in trouble
在她在停尸房中出了事儿后,
08:32
down at the morgue.
才接受了这份工作。
08:35
(Laughter)
(笑声)
08:37
These experiences eventually allowed me to have
这些经历最终让我和一些女人
08:43
some happy physical relationships with women,
发生了愉快的肉体关系,
08:46
for which I'm grateful,
我对此抱有感激,
08:49
but I was at war with myself,
但我也和自己不断的战斗,
08:50
and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.
我在自身的心灵里划下了了严重的伤。
08:53
We don't seek the painful experiences
我们不寻求揉搓出我们身份
08:58
that hew our identities,
的那些惨痛经验
09:01
but we seek our identities
但我们在惨痛的经验之后,
09:04
in the wake of painful experiences.
却会追寻我们的身份。
09:06
We cannot bear a pointless torment,
我们不能承担无谓的痛苦,
09:09
but we can endure great pain
但如果我们认定它是有意义的,
09:12
if we believe that it's purposeful.
我们就能忍受巨大的痛苦。
09:14
Ease makes less of an impression on us
安逸比起挣扎并不会对
09:18
than struggle.
我们留下深刻的印象。
09:20
We could have been ourselves without our delights,
没有了喜悦,我们还会是我们,
09:21
but not without the misfortunes
但没有了促使我们追寻意义的不幸
09:24
that drive our search for meaning.
我们就不是现今的自己。
09:26
"Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities,"
“所以,我在不幸中得到快乐,”
09:29
St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,
圣保罗在第二哥林多前书中写道,
09:33
"for when I am weak, then I am strong."
”当我软弱时,我是坚强的。“
09:35
In 1988, I went to Moscow
1988年,我前往莫斯科
09:39
to interview artists of the Soviet underground,
采访苏联的地下艺术家,
09:42
and I expected their work to be
我本以为他们的作品
09:46
dissident and political.
会是持不同意见的和政治性的。
09:47
But the radicalism in their work actually lay
但是他们作品中的激进其实在
09:50
in reinserting humanity into a society
把人性重新注入
09:53
that was annihilating humanity itself,
在毁灭人性的社会中,
09:56
as, in some senses, Russian society
正如,在某程度上,
09:58
is now doing again.
现今的俄罗斯社会再一次在做的。
10:01
One of the artists I met said to me,
我遇到的其中一名艺术家对我说,
10:03
"We were in training to be not artists but angels."
"我们正在苦炼成为天使,而不是艺术家。”
10:05
In 1991, I went back to see the artists
1991年,我回到莫斯科拜访这些
10:10
I'd been writing about,
我曾写过的艺术家,
10:13
and I was with them during the putsch
我和他们一起度过了,
10:14
that ended the Soviet Union,
终结苏联的政变,
10:16
and they were among the chief organizers
而他们是抵抗政变
10:18
of the resistance to that putsch.
的主要组织者之一。
10:21
And on the third day of the putsch,
在政变的第三天,
10:24
one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya.
他们其中的一员建议我们去斯莫兰卡雅(莫斯科地名)。
10:27
And we went there,
我们去了那里,
10:30
and we arranged ourselves in
front of one of the barricades,
然后我们列好队站在一个街垒前,
10:31
and a little while later,
过了一会儿,
10:35
a column of tanks rolled up,
一列坦克车开来了,
10:36
and the soldier on the front tank said,
最前方的坦克车士兵说,
10:39
"We have unconditional orders
“我们有无条件的命令
10:41
to destroy this barricade.
要摧毁这个街垒。
10:43
If you get out of the way,
如果你们让开,
10:44
we don't need to hurt you,
我们不需伤害你们,
10:46
but if you won't move, we'll have no choice
但如果你们待在这儿,我们没办法
10:48
but to run you down."
只能压过你们。”
10:50
And the artists I was with said,
和我在一起的艺术家们说,
10:51
"Give us just a minute.
“给我们一分钟,
10:53
Give us just a minute to tell you why we're here."
给我们一分钟告诉你我们为什么在这里。”
10:54
And the soldier folded his arms,
那个士兵把双臂交叉在胸前,
10:59
and the artist launched into a
Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy
那名艺术家开始以杰斐逊式的民主颂词,
11:01
such as those of us who live
这是我们这些生活在
11:05
in a Jeffersonian democracy
杰斐逊式的民主社会的人
11:07
would be hard-pressed to present.
也苦于表达的。
11:09
And they went on and on,
他们滔滔不绝地说着,
11:13
and the soldier watched,
而那名士兵看着他们,
11:14
and then he sat there for a full minute
知道他们说完了之后,
11:16
after they were finished
他坐在那里待了整整一分钟,
11:18
and looked at us so bedraggled in the rain,
看着我们这群落汤鸡,
11:20
and said, "What you have said is true,
然后说,“你们说的是事实,
11:22
and we must bow to the will of the people.
而我们必须听从民意。
11:26
If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around,
如果你们让出足够的位置让我们掉头,
11:30
we'll go back the way we came."
我们会原路返回。”
11:32
And that's what they did.
而他们果真这样做了。
11:35
Sometimes, forging meaning
有时,铸造意义
11:37
can give you the vocabulary you need
能给你所需要的辞藻
11:39
to fight for your ultimate freedom.
来争取你最终的自由。
11:42
Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion
俄罗斯让我意识到逆境求生的概念:
11:45
that oppression breeds the power to oppose it,
剥削会繁衍抵抗剥削的力量,
11:48
and I gradually understood that as the cornerstone
而我逐渐明白了这是
11:51
of identity.
身份的基石。
11:54
It took identity to rescue me from sadness.
身份从伤痛中拯救了我。
11:55
The gay rights movement posits a world
同性恋权利运动憧憬一个
12:00
in which my aberrances are a victory.
我的畸形是一种胜利。
12:02
Identity politics always works on two fronts:
身份的政治总是从两方面出发:
12:05
to give pride to people who have a given condition
给有特殊情况或特征的人
12:09
or characteristic,
应有的自豪;
12:12
and to cause the outside world
和让外在的世界
12:13
to treat such people more gently and more kindly.
温柔地善待这些人。
12:15
Those are two totally separate enterprises,
这是两种不同的途径,
12:18
but progress in each sphere
但不管哪个方面的进展
12:22
reverberates in the other.
都会在另一方面造成回响。
12:24
Identity politics can be narcissistic.
身份的政治可以变成自恋的。
12:26
People extol a difference only because it's theirs.
人们称赞不同只是应为那是他们自身的。
12:30
People narrow the world and function
人们把世界窄化,
12:33
in discrete groups without empathy for one another.
形成个体,对他人毫无同情。
12:36
But properly understood
但如果它得以正确的理解
12:39
and wisely practiced,
和理智的运用,
12:41
identity politics should expand
身份的政治应该
12:43
our idea of what it is to be human.
扩充我们对人性的概念。
12:45
Identity itself
身份自身
12:48
should be not a smug label
不应是让人自满的标签
12:49
or a gold medal
或是一枚金牌
12:52
but a revolution.
但应是一个革命。
12:54
I would have had an easier life if I were straight,
如果我是异性恋,我的生活会轻松很多,
12:56
but I would not be me,
但我不会是我,
13:00
and I now like being myself better
我现在比较喜欢做我自己
13:02
than the idea of being someone else,
而不想成为另一个人,
13:04
someone who, to be honest,
说实话,
13:07
I have neither the option of being
我无法成为,
13:08
nor the ability fully to imagine.
也无法想象其他人。
13:10
But if you banish the dragons,
但如果你驱逐了恶龙,
13:13
you banish the heroes,
你也同时驱逐了英雄,
13:15
and we become attached
而我们无法放下
13:17
to the heroic strain in our own lives.
我们生命中英雄的那一部分。
13:19
I've sometimes wondered
我有时候会问自己
13:22
whether I could have ceased
to hate that part of myself
如果没有同性恋权益的色彩斑斓,
13:23
without gay pride's technicolor fiesta,
(这个演讲就是其显像之一),
13:26
of which this speech is one manifestation.
我能否停止憎恨自己的那一部分。
13:29
I used to think I would know myself to be mature
我曾经认为当我是同性恋者,
13:33
when I could simply be gay without emphasis,
却不加宣扬时,我就成熟了,
13:36
but the self-loathing of that period left a void,
但那段时间的自厌留下了一个洞,
13:39
and celebration needs to fill and overflow it,
需要靠庆祝来填满和倾注,
13:43
and even if I repay my private debt of melancholy,
就算我还清了我自身的悲伤,
13:47
there's still an outer world of homophobia
外在的同性恋恐惧症还是存在的
13:50
that it will take decades to address.
那需要几十年的时间来解决。
13:53
Someday, being gay will be a simple fact,
有一天,同性恋身份会是个简单的事实,
13:56
free of party hats and blame,
没有夸耀或指责,
13:59
but not yet.
但现在不是这样。
14:02
A friend of mine who thought gay pride
我有个朋友,他认为
14:04
was getting very carried away with itself,
同性恋权益忘乎所以,
14:06
once suggested that we organize
他提议我们举行
14:08
Gay Humility Week.
同性恋“谦卑”一周。
14:10
(Laughter) (Applause)
(笑声)(掌声)
14:12
It's a great idea,
这是个好主意,
14:18
but its time has not yet come.
但它的时间未到。
14:21
(Laughter)
(笑声)
14:23
And neutrality, which seems to lie
而中立,这似乎
14:25
halfway between despair and celebration,
在绝望和庆祝中间的东西,
14:27
is actually the endgame.
才是最终的目标。
14:30
In 29 states in the U.S.,
在美国有29个州,
14:33
I could legally be fired or denied housing
法律准许我因为同性恋身份,
14:36
for being gay.
而被开除或被拒之门外。
14:39
In Russia, the anti-propaganda law
在俄罗斯,反政治宣传法
14:41
has led to people being beaten in the streets.
导致人们在大街上被殴打。
14:44
Twenty-seven African countries
二十七个非洲国家
14:47
have passed laws against sodomy,
立法严禁肛交,
14:49
and in Nigeria, gay people can legally
在尼日利亚,同性恋者
14:52
be stoned to death,
可以合法地被处于石刑,
14:54
and lynchings have become common.
私刑也最近变得越发常见
14:55
In Saudi Arabia recently, two men
近日在沙特阿拉伯,两个被逮到
14:58
who had been caught in carnal acts,
在发生肉体关系的男人,
15:01
were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each,
每人被判了7000下的鞭刑,
15:03
and are now permanently disabled as a result.
而现在变得终身残疾。
15:08
So who can forge meaning
那谁能铸造意义
15:11
and build identity?
和建立身份呢?
15:13
Gay rights are not primarily marriage rights,
同性恋权益不主要是婚姻权益,
15:16
and for the millions who live in unaccepting places
而对数以百万生活在不包容
15:19
with no resources,
和缺少资源地方的人们,
15:22
dignity remains elusive.
尊严是可望而不可及的。
15:24
I am lucky to have forged meaning
我很幸运,能够铸造意义
15:27
and built identity,
和建造身份,
15:30
but that's still a rare privilege,
但这是少有的特权,
15:32
and gay people deserve more collectively
同性恋者群体应得到的
15:34
than the crumbs of justice.
不只是一点点的正义。
15:37
And yet, every step forward
然而,每点进步
15:40
is so sweet.
都是甜蜜的。
15:43
In 2007, six years after we met,
在2007年,在我和我的伴侣
15:45
my partner and I decided
相识六年后,
15:49
to get married.
我们决定结婚。
15:51
Meeting John had been the discovery
遇见约翰让我找到了
15:53
of great happiness
巨大的快乐,
15:55
and also the elimination of great unhappiness,
也去除了庞大的不快乐,
15:57
and sometimes, I was so occupied
有时候,我太在乎着
16:00
with the disappearance of all that pain
痛苦的消失,
16:03
that I forgot about the joy,
而忘了喜悦,
16:05
which was at first the less
remarkable part of it to me.
它一开始并不是那么的起眼。
16:07
Marrying was a way to declare our love
婚姻是我们宣扬我们爱的存在
16:11
as more a presence than an absence.
而不是缺憾。
16:14
Marriage soon led us to children,
婚姻很快把我们引导向孩子,
16:18
and that meant new meanings
而这意味着新的意义
16:20
and new identities, ours and theirs.
和新的身份,我们的和他们的。
16:22
I want my children to be happy,
我要我的孩子们开心,
16:26
and I love them most achingly when they are sad.
在他们伤心时,我最疼他们。
16:29
As a gay father, I can teach them
作为一名同性恋的父亲,我可以教导他们
16:33
to own what is wrong in their lives,
去理解他们生命中的错误,
16:36
but I believe that if I succeed
但我相信如果我成功地
16:38
in sheltering them from adversity,
让他们远离逆境,
16:40
I will have failed as a parent.
那我身为父亲是失败的。
16:42
A Buddhist scholar I know once explained to me
我认识的一位佛教学者曾向我解释
16:45
that Westerners mistakenly think
西方人错误地认为
16:48
that nirvana is what arrives
涅磐降临在所有疾苦消逝
16:50
when all your woe is behind you
只剩下
16:53
and you have only bliss to look forward to.
幸福在眼前的时候。
16:55
But he said that would not be nirvana,
但他说这不是涅磐,
16:59
because your bliss in the present
因为你现今的幸福
17:01
would always be shadowed by the joy from the past.
总会被以前的喜悦掩盖。
17:02
Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at
以他来看,涅磐的降临,
17:06
when you have only bliss to look forward to
是当你眼前只有幸福,
17:09
and find in what looked like sorrows
而在看起来像是悲伤里
17:11
the seedlings of your joy.
也能找到喜悦的种子。
17:14
And I sometimes wonder
有时候我在想
17:17
whether I could have found such fulfillment
如果婚姻和孩子
17:19
in marriage and children
来得更容易些,
17:21
if they'd come more readily,
我是否会找到这样的满足,
17:22
if I'd been straight in my youth or were young now,
而如果我年轻时是异性恋,或我还年轻,
17:24
in either of which cases this might be easier.
它们会让事情变得简单。
17:28
Perhaps I could.
也许我会的。
17:32
Perhaps all the complex imagining I've done
也许我做过的所有的复杂事情
17:33
could have been applied to other topics.
都可以应用在其他的议题上。
17:36
But if seeking meaning
但如果寻求意义
17:38
matters more than finding meaning,
比找到意义更重要,
17:40
the question is not whether I'd be happier
那问题不是我是不是因为被欺负
17:41
for having been bullied,
而更加快乐,
17:45
but whether assigning meaning
而是这些被赋予意义
17:46
to those experiences
的经历
17:48
has made me a better father.
是否让我成为更好的父亲。
17:50
I tend to find the ecstasy hidden in ordinary joys,
我常常发现在普通的快乐中躲藏的狂喜,
17:52
because I did not expect those joys
因为我不认定这些快乐
17:56
to be ordinary to me.
对我来说是普通的。
17:58
I know many heterosexuals who have
我认识许多异性恋者他们
18:01
equally happy marriages and families,
有着同样快乐的婚姻和家庭,
18:02
but gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh,
但同性婚姻是那么的让人赞叹的新鲜,
18:05
and gay families so exhilaratingly new,
同性家庭是那么的令人振奋的新奇,
18:08
and I found meaning in that surprise.
而我在这惊喜中找到了意义。
18:11
In October, it was my 50th birthday,
10月是我的50岁生日,
18:15
and my family organized a party for me,
我的家人为我举办了派对,
18:19
and in the middle of it,
在进行到一半时,
18:22
my son said to my husband
我的儿子对我的先生说
18:23
that he wanted to make a speech,
他想要演讲,
18:25
and John said,
约翰说,
18:26
"George, you can't make a speech. You're four."
“乔治,你不能演讲,你才四岁。”
18:27
(Laughter)
(笑声)
18:32
"Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I
“今晚只有爷爷和大卫叔叔
18:34
are going to make speeches tonight."
和我要演讲。”
18:36
But George insisted and insisted,
但是乔治一再的坚持,
18:38
and finally, John took him up to the microphone,
终于,约翰把他带到了麦克风前,
18:41
and George said very loudly,
然后乔治很大声的说,
18:44
"Ladies and gentlemen,
“女士们先生们,
18:47
may I have your attention please."
请大家注意一下。”
18:49
And everyone turned around, startled.
大家都转过身来,惊呆了,
18:52
And George said,
乔治说道,
18:55
"I'm glad it's Daddy's birthday.
“我很高兴今天是爹爹的生日。
18:57
I'm glad we all get cake.
我很高兴有蛋糕吃。
18:59
And daddy, if you were little,
还有,爹爹,如果你还是小孩,
19:02
I'd be your friend."
我会做你的朋友。”
19:06
And I thought — Thank you.
而我想 ( 谢谢)
19:09
I thought that I was indebted
我想我甚至对鲍比
19:12
even to Bobby Finkel,
都有亏欠,
19:15
because all those earlier experiences
应为所有这些先前的经历
19:16
were what had propelled me to this moment,
把我带到了现在这一刻,
19:19
and I was finally unconditionally grateful
而我终于无条件地感激
19:22
for a life I'd once have done anything to change.
这个我一度千方百计想要改变的人生
19:24
The gay activist Harvey Milk
一个年轻的同性恋男人
19:28
was once asked by a younger gay man
曾问过同性恋运动人士哈维·米尔克
19:30
what he could do to help the movement,
他能为这个运动做点什么,
19:32
and Harvey Milk said,
哈维·米尔克说,
19:35
"Go out and tell someone."
“出去告诉一个人。”
19:36
There's always somebody who wants to confiscate
世上总是有人
19:38
our humanity,
想要没收我们的人性
19:41
and there are always stories that restore it.
但也总是有恢复人性的故事。
19:43
If we live out loud,
如果我们活出精彩,
19:45
we can trounce the hatred
我们就能战胜憎恨
19:47
and expand everyone's lives.
拓宽众人的生命。
19:49
Forge meaning. Build identity.
铸造意义,建立身份
19:52
Forge meaning.
铸造意义,
19:56
Build identity.
建立身份。
19:58
And then invite the world
然后邀请世界
20:01
to share your joy.
共享你的喜悦。
20:02
Thank you.
谢谢。
20:04
(Applause)
(掌声)
20:07
Thank you. (Applause)
谢谢。(掌声)
20:09
Thank you. (Applause)
谢谢。(掌声)
20:12
Thank you. (Applause)
谢谢。(掌声)
20:16
Translated by Yi Fei
Reviewed by Xiaoyang Wu

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About the Speaker:

Andrew Solomon - Writer
Andrew Solomon writes about politics, culture and psychology.

Why you should listen

Andrew Solomon is a writer, lecturer and Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University. He is president of PEN American Center. He writes regularly for The New Yorker and the New York Times.

Solomon's newest book, Far and Away: Reporting from the Brink of Change, Seven Continents, Twenty-Five Years was published in April, 2016. His previous book, Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity won the National Book Critics Circle award for nonfiction, the Wellcome Prize and 22 other national awards. It tells the stories of parents who not only learn to deal with their exceptional children but also find profound meaning in doing so. It was a New York Times bestseller in both hardcover and paperback editions. Solomon's previous book, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, won the 2001 National Book Award for Nonfiction, was a finalist for the 2002 Pulitzer Prize and was included in The Times of London's list of one hundred best books of the decade. It has been published in twenty-four languages. Solomon is also the author of the novel A Stone Boat and of The Irony Tower: Soviet Artists in a Time of Glasnost.

Solomon is an activist in LGBT rights, mental health, education and the arts. He is a member of the boards of directors of the National LGBTQ Force and Trans Youth Family Allies. He is a member of the Board of Visitors of Columbia University Medical Center, serves on the National Advisory Board of the Depression Center at the University of Michigan, is a director of Columbia Psychiatry and is a member of the Advisory Board of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Solomon also serves on the boards of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Yaddo and The Alex Fund, which supports the education of Romani children. He is also a fellow of Berkeley College at Yale University and a member of the New York Institute for the Humanities and the Council on Foreign Relations.

Solomon lives with his husband and son in New York and London and is a dual national. He also has a daughter with a college friend; mother and daughter live in Texas but visit often.


More profile about the speaker
Andrew Solomon | Speaker | TED.com