ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.

Why you should listen

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.

His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.

More profile about the speaker
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxLinnaeusUniversity

Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid

盖 温驰: 为什么情绪急救势在必行

Filmed:
10,148,018 views

我们在感冒发痛时会去看医生。但为什么我们在经历类似心理伤痛时不去就医呢?盖温驰说我们此时大都独自疗伤。但这不是唯一出路。他有力的论证了为何我们应该像对待身体一样照料我们的情绪和心理健康。
- Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:15
I grew成长 up with my identical相同 twin双胞胎,
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我和我的双胞胎哥哥一起长大,
00:18
who was an incredibly令人难以置信 loving爱心 brother哥哥.
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他是个富有爱心的好兄弟。
00:21
Now, one thing about being存在 a twin双胞胎
is that it makes品牌 you an expert专家
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要知道,作为双胞胎,你很快
就在一件事上成为专家,
00:26
at spotting斑点 favoritism偏爱.
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就是注意到偏爱。
00:28
If his cookie曲奇饼 was even slightly bigger
than my cookie曲奇饼, I had questions问题.
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如果他的饼干比我的大
哪怕一点点,我就会质疑。
00:34
And clearly明确地, I wasn't starving挨饿.
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当然我也没被饿着。
00:38
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
00:40
When I became成为 a psychologist心理学家, I began开始 to
notice注意 favoritism偏爱 of a different不同 kind,
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当我成为一个心理学家,我开始
注意到另一种不同的偏爱,
00:46
and that is how much more we
value the body身体 than we do the mind心神.
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那就是我们赋予我们的身体
比精神更多的价值。
00:52
I spent花费 nine years年份 at university大学 earning盈利
my doctorate博士学位 in psychology心理学,
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我花了九年时间
获得心理学博士学位,
00:58
and I can't tell you how many许多 people
look at my business商业 card and say,
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但不知道有多少人看了我的名片说,
01:02
"Oh, a psychologist心理学家.
So not a real真实 doctor医生,"
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“哦,心理学家,
原来不是真正的医生。”
01:07
as if it should say that on my card.
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就好像我的名片上就该明确说明似的。
01:10
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
01:15
This favoritism偏爱 we show显示 the body身体
over the mind心神, I see it everywhere到处.
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这种对身体多于精神的偏爱随处可见。
01:21
I recently最近 was at a friend's朋友的 house,
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我最近在朋友家,
01:23
and their five-year-old五十岁
was getting得到 ready准备 for bed.
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他们五岁的小孩准备上床睡觉。
01:26
He was standing常设 on a stool粪便
by the sink水槽 brushing刷牙 his teeth,
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他站在小凳子上,
在水池边刷牙,
01:29
when he slipped下滑, and scratched划伤 his leg
on the stool粪便 when he fell下跌.
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然后他滑了一下,
摔倒的时候刮了他的腿。
01:33
He cried哭了 for a minute分钟,
but then he got back up,
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他哭了一下,
随后就爬起来了,
01:36
got back on the stool粪便, and reached到达 out for
a box of Band-Aids创可贴 to put one on his cut.
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站回小凳子上,拿了一个创可贴
贴在他的伤口上。
01:43
Now, this kid孩子 could barely仅仅
tie领带 his shoelaces鞋带,
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这孩子刚学会系鞋带儿,
01:47
but he knew知道 you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become成为 infected感染,
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但他都知道要保护伤口以免感染,
01:51
and you have to care关心 for
your teeth by brushing刷牙 twice两次 a day.
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同时还要一天刷两次牙来保护牙齿。
01:55
We all know how to maintain保持
our physical物理 health健康
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我们都知道怎样保持身体的健康
01:58
and how to practice实践 dental牙齿 hygiene卫生, right?
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还有怎样保持牙齿卫生,对不对?
02:00
We've我们已经 known已知 it since以来
we were five years年份 old.
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我们从五岁起就知道这些东西了。
02:04
But what do we know about maintaining维持
our psychological心理 health健康?
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但是我们知道怎样
保持精神上的健康吗?
02:09
Well, nothing.
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完全不知道。
02:11
What do we teach our children孩子
about emotional情绪化 hygiene卫生?
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我们教给孩子们情绪保健吗?
02:16
Nothing.
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完全没有。
02:18
How is it that we spend more time
taking服用 care关心 of our teeth
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为什么我们花在牙齿的时间
02:23
than we do our minds头脑.
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比花在精神的时间上还多呢?
02:26
Why is it that our physical物理 health健康 is
so much more important重要 to us
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为什么我们那么重视身体健康
02:30
than our psychological心理 health健康?
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远远多于心理健康呢?
02:33
We sustain支持 psychological心理 injuries受伤
even more often经常 than we do physical物理 ones那些,
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我们承受心理上的伤害
比身体上的多得多,
02:38
injuries受伤 like failure失败
or rejection拒绝 or loneliness孤单.
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例如失败,被拒绝,孤独。
02:43
And they can also get
worse更差 if we ignore忽视 them,
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如果我们忽视它们,
情况也会恶化,
02:46
and they can impact碰撞 our lives生活
in dramatic戏剧性 ways方法.
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它们同样会给我们的生活
带来重大的影响。
02:49
And yet然而, even though虽然 there are
scientifically科学 proven证明 techniques技术
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然而,虽然有科学证实的疗法
02:53
we could use to treat对待 these
kinds of psychological心理 injuries受伤,
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来帮助我们治疗
这些心理上的伤害,
02:57
we don't.
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我们却不采取行动。
02:59
It doesn't even occur发生 to us
that we should.
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我们甚至都没意识到
我们应该采取行动。
03:02
"Oh, you're feeling感觉 depressed郁闷?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
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“哦,你感到抑郁么?
别去想了,都在你脑袋里。”
03:06
Can you imagine想像 saying that
to somebody with a broken破碎 leg:
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你能想象对一个
骨折了的人说这样的话吗?
03:10
"Oh, just walk步行 it off;
it's all in your leg."
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“哦,走走就好了,都在你腿上。”
03:13
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:15
It is time we closed关闭 the gap间隙 between之间
our physical物理 and our psychological心理 health健康.
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我们应该消除这种对身体和
精神健康的区别对待。
03:21
It's time we made制作 them more equal等于,
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应该把两者对等起来,
03:24
more like twins双胞胎.
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像双胞胎一样。
03:27
Speaking请讲 of which哪一个,
my brother哥哥 is also a psychologist心理学家.
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说起双胞胎,
我哥哥也是个心理医生。
03:30
So he's not a real真实 doctor医生, either.
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所以他也不是真正的医生。
03:33
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:35
We didn't study研究 together一起, though虽然.
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我们不是在一起上的学。
03:37
In fact事实, the hardest最难 thing
I've ever doneDONE in my life
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事实上,我这辈子
经历过的最困难的事
03:41
is move移动 across横过 the Atlantic大西洋
to New York纽约 City
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就是跨过大西洋搬到纽约
03:44
to get my doctorate博士学位 in psychology心理学.
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来读心理学的博士学位。
03:47
We were apart距离 then
for the first time in our lives生活,
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那是我们俩第一次分隔两地,
03:50
and the separation分割 was
brutal野蛮 for both of us.
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这个分离对我俩来说都很残酷。
03:54
But while he remained保持 among其中
family家庭 and friends朋友,
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当他和家人朋友一起时,
03:57
I was alone单独 in a new country国家.
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我却孤单的在一个新的国度。
04:00
We missed错过 each other terribly可怕,
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我们都非常想念对方,
04:02
but international国际 phone电话 calls电话 were
really expensive昂贵 then
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但那时候国际长途都很贵
04:05
and we could only afford给予 to speak说话
for five minutes分钟 a week.
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我们一周只打的起五分钟的电话。
04:09
When our birthday生日 rolled热轧 around,
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当我们生日快到了的时候,
04:12
it was the first we wouldn't不会
be spending开支 together一起.
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那是我们第一个
没在一起过的生日。
04:14
We decide决定 to splurge挥霍, and that week
we would talk for 10 minutes分钟.
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我们决定奢侈一把,
在那个星期聊上十分钟。
04:19
I spent花费 the morning早上 pacing起搏 around my room房间,
waiting等候 for him to call --
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我那天早上在房间里踱来踱去,
等着我哥哥给我打过来 -
04:23
and waiting等候 and waiting等候,
but the phone电话 didn't ring.
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我等啊等啊,电话就是不响。
04:29
Given特定 the time difference区别, I assumed假定,
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由于时差的关系,我就想,
04:32
"Ok, he's out with friends朋友,
he will call later后来."
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“好吧,他一定是和朋友在一起,
他晚点儿会打来的。”
04:34
There were no cell细胞 phones手机 then.
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那时候也没有手机。
04:36
But he didn't.
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但他始终没打来。
04:39
And I began开始 to realize实现 that after
being存在 away for over 10 months个月,
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我开始意识到,
在我离开十个月以后,
04:44
he no longer missed错过 me
the way I missed错过 him.
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他不再像我想他那样想我了。
04:47
I knew知道 he would call in the morning早上,
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我知道他早上会打来,
04:49
but that night was one of the
saddest最可悲 and longest最长 nights of my life.
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但那一晚是我一生中
最伤心,最漫长的一晚。
04:56
I woke醒来 up the next下一个 morning早上.
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第二天一早醒来,
04:58
I glanced瞥了一眼 down at the phone电话, and
I realized实现 I had kicked it off the hook
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我瞅了一眼电话,我意识到,
来回踱步时
05:03
when pacing起搏 the day before.
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我把电话线踹下来了
05:06
I stumbled迷迷糊糊 out off bed,
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我迷迷糊糊的跳下床,
05:08
I put the phone电话 back on the receiver接收器,
and it rang a second第二 later后来,
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我刚把电话插回接口,
一秒钟之后电话就响了。
05:11
and it was my brother哥哥,
and, boy男孩, was he pissed生气.
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是我哥哥,他可气坏了。
05:15
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
05:17
It was the saddest最可悲 and longest最长
night of his life as well.
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那也是他一生中
最伤心漫长的一夜。
05:20
Now I tried试着 to explain说明 what
happened发生, but he said,
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当我跟他解释事情的经过,他说,
05:23
"I don't understand理解.
If you saw I wasn't calling调用 you,
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“我不明白。你看我没给你打,
05:26
why didn't you just pick up
the phone电话 and call me?"
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你为什么不打给我呢?”
05:31
He was right. Why didn't I call him?
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他说的对。
我为什么不打给他呢?
05:35
I didn't have an answer回答 then,
but I do today今天,
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我当时无法解释,
但我现在明白了,
05:38
and it's a simple简单 one: loneliness孤单.
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非常简单的原因:孤独。
05:43
Loneliness孤单 creates创建 a
deep psychological心理 wound伤口,
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孤独导致深重的心理创伤,
05:47
one that distorts扭曲 our perceptions看法
and scrambles our thinking思维.
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扭曲我们的感知能力,
剥夺我们的思考能力。
05:51
It makes品牌 us believe that those around us
care关心 much less than they actually其实 do.
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它使我们相信
身边的人不再在乎我们。
05:57
It make us really afraid害怕 to reach达到 out,
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它使我们不敢与人联络,
06:00
because why set yourself你自己 up
for rejection拒绝 and heartache心痛
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为什么给自取其辱被拒绝呢?
06:03
when your heart is already已经 aching疼痛
more than you can stand?
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你的心痛的还不够多么?
06:08
I was in the grips交手 of real真实
loneliness孤单 back then,
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我那个时候被孤独紧紧包裹着,
06:11
but I was surrounded包围 by people all day,
so it never occurred发生 to me.
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但我总和别人在一起,
我自己都没意识到。
06:16
But loneliness孤单 is defined定义
purely纯粹 subjectively主观.
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但孤独是完全从主观上定义的。
06:20
It depends依靠 solely独自 on whether是否 you feel
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它完全取决于你是否觉得
06:23
emotionally感情上 or socially社交上 disconnected断开的
from those around you.
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在情绪上或是交际上
和你周围的人相隔绝。
06:27
And I did.
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我当时是这样的。
06:28
There is a lot of research研究 on loneliness孤单,
and all of it is horrifying可怕的.
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我们有很多关于孤独的研究,
都很可怕。
06:35
Loneliness孤单 won't惯于 just make you
miserable, it will kill you.
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孤独不仅让你觉得凄惨,
它还可能致死。
06:39
I'm not kidding开玩笑.
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我可不是开玩笑。
06:40
Chronic慢性 loneliness孤单 increases增加 your
likelihood可能性 of an early death死亡
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长期的孤独
会增加你早逝的可能性
06:44
by 14 percent百分.
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高达14%之多。
06:48
Loneliness孤单 causes原因 high blood血液 pressure压力,
high cholesterol胆固醇.
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孤独可能导致
高血压,高胆固醇。
06:52
It even suppress压制 the functioning功能
of your immune免疫的 system系统,
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它甚至会影响你的免疫系统,
06:56
making制造 you vulnerable弱势 to all kinds
of illnesses疾病 and diseases疾病.
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使你容易患上各种疾病。
07:00
In fact事实, scientists科学家们 have concluded总结
that taken采取 together一起,
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事实上,科学家已经得出结论,
07:04
chronic慢性 loneliness孤单 poses姿势 as
significant重大 a risk风险
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长期的孤独对你的健康和长寿
07:07
for your longterm长期 health健康 and
longevity长寿 as cigarette香烟 smoking抽烟.
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的负面影响比抽烟还要糟。
07:12
Now cigarette香烟 packs come with warnings警告
saying, "This could kill you."
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香烟的包装上还有
“吸烟致命”的警句。
07:17
But loneliness孤单 doesn't.
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可孤独没有。
07:19
And that's why it's so important重要 that
we prioritize优先 our psychological心理 health健康,
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这就是我们为什么
要重视心理健康,
07:23
that we practice实践 emotional情绪化 hygiene卫生.
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要注意保持情绪健康。
07:27
Because you can't treat对待
a psychological心理 wound伤口
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因为,你无法治愈心理上的创伤,
07:30
if you don't even know you're injured受伤.
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如果你都不知道
自己受到了伤害的话。
07:34
Loneliness孤单 isn't the only
psychological心理 wound伤口
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孤独不是唯一
07:36
that distorts扭曲 our perceptions看法
and misleads误导 us.
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可能扭曲及误导
我们的心理创伤。
07:40
Failure失败 does that as well.
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失败也有同样效果。
07:43
I once一旦 visited参观 a day care关心 center中央,
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我曾访问过一个幼儿园,
07:46
where I saw three toddlers幼儿
play with identical相同 plastic塑料 toys玩具.
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在那儿我观察了三个儿童,
在玩完全一样的塑料玩具。
07:51
You had to slide滑动 the red button按键,
and a cute可爱 doggie would pop流行的 out.
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你得把一个红色的钮滑开,
然后一个可爱的小狗就会跳出来。
07:55
One little girl女孩 tried试着 pulling the
purple紫色 button按键, then pushing推动 it,
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一个小女孩
对紫色的钮又拉又按,
08:00
and then she just satSAT back and looked看着
at the box, with her lower降低 lip trembling发抖.
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然后她就坐下来,瞧着那盒子,
下嘴唇开始发颤。
08:04
The little boy男孩 next下一个 to her
watched看着 this happen发生,
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她旁边的一个小男孩
看到这一幕,
08:08
then turned转身 to his box and and burst爆裂
into tears眼泪 without even touching接触 it.
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再看着他的盒子,
都没动手就哇哇大哭了。
08:13
Meanwhile与此同时, another另一个 little girl女孩 tried试着
everything she could think of
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与此同时,
另一个小女孩试了各种方法
08:16
until直到 she slid下滑 the red button按键,
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直到她滑动了那个红钮,
08:18
the cute可爱 doggie popped膨化 out,
and she squealed尖叫 with delight.
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可爱的小狗跳了出来,
她开心的叫了起来。
08:22
So three toddlers幼儿 with
identical相同 plastic塑料 toys玩具,
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同样的塑料玩具
给了这三个幼儿,
08:25
but with very different不同
reactions反应 to failure失败.
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但他们对失败的反应截然不同。
08:29
The first two toddlers幼儿 were perfectly完美
capable of sliding滑动 a red button按键.
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前两个小孩完全
有能力滑动那个红钮。
08:34
The only thing that prevented防止
them from succeeding下一
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唯一阻止他们成功的因素
08:37
was that their mind心神 tricked被骗 them
into believing相信 they could not.
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就是他们被自己
做不成的想法给骗了。
08:41
Now, adults成年人 get tricked被骗 this way
as well, all the time.
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成年人也经常中这样的圈套。
08:45
In fact事实, we all have a default默认 set of
feelings情怀 and beliefs信仰 that gets得到 triggered触发
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事实上,我们都有
一个固定的思维感知模式,
08:52
whenever每当 we encounter遭遇
frustrations挫折 and setbacks挫折.
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每当我们感到沮丧,受到挫折,
我们便会进入这个模式。
08:55
Are you aware知道的 of how
your mind心神 reacts发生反应 to failure失败?
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你清不清楚你是怎么对应失败的?
08:58
You need to be.
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你应该清楚。
09:00
Because if your mind心神 tries尝试 to convince说服 you
you're incapable无法 of something
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因为如果你的头脑告诉你
你不能做成什么事
09:04
and you believe it,
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而你相信了的话,
09:05
then like those two toddlers幼儿,
you'll你会 begin开始 to feel helpless无助
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你就会像那前两个小孩似的,
开始感到无助
09:09
and you'll你会 stop trying too soon不久,
or you won't惯于 even try at all.
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然后你很快就放弃了,
甚至都不去试一下。
09:12
And then you'll你会 be even more
convinced相信 you can't succeed成功.
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然后你就更加确信你成功不了。
09:15
You see, that's why so many许多 people
function功能 below下面 their actual实际 potential潜在.
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你看,这就是为什么那么多人
都无法充分发挥他们的潜能。
09:20
Because somewhere某处 along沿 the way,
sometimes有时 a single failure失败
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因为不一定在什么地方,
有那么一次失败
09:24
convinced相信 them that they couldn't不能
succeed成功, and they believed相信 it.
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让他们认定了自己不能成功。
09:27
Once一旦 we become成为 convinced相信 of something,
it's very difficult to change更改 our mind心神.
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我们一旦被某件事说服,
往往就很难改变主意。
09:33
I learned学到了 that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager青少年 with my brother哥哥.
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我十几岁的时候,和我哥哥一起,
吃了点苦头才明白这道理。
09:38
We were driving主动 with friends朋友
down a dark黑暗 road at night,
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有一天晚上,我俩和朋友们
在一条很黑的路上开着车。
09:41
when a police警察 car汽车 stopped停止 us.
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一辆警车把我们拦下了。
09:42
There had been a robbery抢劫 in the area
and they were looking for suspects犯罪嫌疑人.
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附近发生了抢劫,
警察在追踪嫌犯。
09:46
The officer approached接近 the car汽车, and he
shined闪耀 his flashlight手电筒 on the driver司机,
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警察走到车边,
对司机晃了晃手电筒,
09:50
then on my brother哥哥 in the front面前 seat座位,
and then on me.
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又照了照坐在副驾驶的我哥哥,
然后照到了我。
09:54
And his eyes眼睛 opened打开 wide and he said,
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他瞪大了眼睛说得,
09:56
"Where have I seen看到 your face面对 before?"
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“我在哪儿见过你?”
09:58
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
10:02
And I said, "In the front面前 seat座位."
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我说,“副驾驶座上。”
10:05
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
10:08
But that made制作 no sense
to him whatsoever任何.
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但对他来说,
我的回答莫名其妙。
10:10
So now he thought I was on drugs毒品.
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所以他认为我嗑了药。
10:13
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
10:14
So he drags拖动 me out of the car汽车,
he searches搜索 me,
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于是他把我拖出车子,
又搜了我的身,
10:16
he marches游行 me over to the police警察 car汽车,
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他把我押到警车那儿,
10:18
and only when he verified验证
I didn't have a police警察 record记录,
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直到他验证了
我并没有犯罪记录,
10:21
could I show显示 him
I had a twin双胞胎 in the front面前 seat座位.
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我才有机会解释
我和副驾驶座位上的是双胞胎。
10:26
But even as we were driving主动 away,
you could see by the look on his face面对
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但是直到我们开走了,
你仍可以看到他的表情
10:29
he was convinced相信 that I was
getting得到 away with something.
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他认定我一定干了什么坏事。
10:34
Our mind心神 is hard to change更改
once一旦 we become成为 convinced相信.
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一旦我们认定了的事情,
我们很难改变看法。
10:38
So it might威力 be very natural自然 to feel
demoralized士气低落 and defeated打败 after you fail失败.
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所以当你失败了,
感觉士气低落是很自然的。
10:43
But you cannot不能 allow允许 yourself你自己 to become成为
convinced相信 you can't succeed成功.
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但是你不能允许自己
相信你不可能成功。
10:48
You have to fight斗争
feelings情怀 of helplessness无奈.
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你要和那种无助的感觉斗争。
10:50
You have to gain获得 control控制
over the situation情况.
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你要重新控制局面。
10:54
And you have to break打破 this kind of
negative cycle周期 before it begins开始.
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而且你必须在
这种负能量循环开始前打破它。
11:00
Our minds头脑 and our feelings情怀,
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我们的想法和感觉,
11:02
they're not the trustworthy可靠 friends朋友
we thought they were.
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它们不是像我们想象的
那么忠诚的朋友。
11:05
They are more like a really moody喜怒无常 friend朋友,
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它们更像是一个非常情绪化的朋友,
11:08
who can be totally完全 supportive支持 one minute分钟,
and really unpleasant不愉快 the next下一个.
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有时非常支持你,
而有时令人不愉快。
11:13
I once一旦 worked工作 with this woman女人
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我以前的一个女同事
11:15
who after 20 years年份 marriage婚姻
and an extremely非常 ugly丑陋 divorce离婚,
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她结婚20年之后离婚了,
婚离的很惨烈,
11:19
was finally最后 ready准备 for her first date日期.
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然后她终于准备好
开始新的约会了。
11:22
She had met会见 this guy online线上, and he
seemed似乎 nice不错 and he seemed似乎 successful成功,
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她在网上认识了这个男的。
他看上去人很好,也很成功,
11:26
and most importantly重要的,
he seemed似乎 really into her.
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最重要的是,
他似乎对她非常感兴趣。
11:30
So she was very excited兴奋,
she bought a new dress连衣裙,
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她非常兴奋,
还为约会买了新裙子,
11:33
and they met会见 at an upscale高档
New York纽约 City bar酒吧 for a drink.
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然后他们约在纽约的
一个高级酒吧里喝一杯。
11:37
Ten minutes分钟 into the date日期,
the man stands站立 up and says,
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约会才进行了10分钟,
那位男士站起来说,
11:41
"I'm not interested有兴趣," and walks散步 out.
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“我没兴趣了,” 然后就走了。
11:45
Rejection拒绝 is extremely非常 painful痛苦.
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被拒绝是极其痛苦的。
11:49
The woman女人 was so hurt伤害 she couldn't不能 move移动.
All she could do was call a friend朋友.
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这位女士非常受伤,以致于都动不了了。
于是她给一个朋友打电话。
11:54
Here's这里的 what the friend朋友 said:
"Well, what do you expect期望?
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她朋友是这样说的:
“那你还想怎样?
11:58
You have big hips臀部,
you have nothing interesting有趣 to say,
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你又胖又没有什么好聊的,
12:02
why would a handsome英俊,
successful成功 man like that
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为什么任何一个英俊的成功男士
12:04
ever go out with a loser失败者 like you?"
196
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会和你这样的失败者约会呢?“
12:08
Shocking触目惊心, right, that a friend朋友
could be so cruel残忍?
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太不像话了,是不是,
朋友怎么可以这样冷酷无情?
12:12
But it would be much less shocking触目惊心
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这或许听上去不太过分,
12:14
if I told you it wasn't
the friend朋友 who said that.
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要是我告诉你
这话不是朋友说的。
12:17
It's what the woman女人 said to herself她自己.
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这其实是那位女士
对她自己说的。
12:20
And that's something we all do,
especially特别 after a rejection拒绝.
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我们都干过这事儿,
尤其是被拒绝之后。
12:25
We all start开始 thinking思维 of all our faults故障
and all our shortcomings缺点,
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我们开始去想
我们犯的错,我们的缺点,
12:28
what we wish希望 we were,
what we wish希望 we weren't,
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我们要是这样就好了,
我们要是不那样就好了,
12:30
we call ourselves我们自己 names.
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我们给自己起外号。
12:32
Maybe not as harshly粗暴地, but we all do it.
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也许程度不同,
但我们都干过这事。
12:35
And it's interesting有趣 that we do, because
our self-esteem自尊 is already已经 hurting伤害.
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我们为什么会这样做。
我们的自尊已经被伤害了。
12:40
Why would we want to go
and damage损伤 it even further进一步?
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为什么我们要进一步伤害它呢?
12:43
We wouldn't不会 make a physical物理 injury
worse更差 on purpose目的.
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要是身体受伤了,
我们不会故意去把它弄的更糟。
12:45
You wouldn't不会 get a cut on your arm
and decide决定, "Oh, I know!
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你要是胳膊上有个伤口,
你不会说,“啊,我知道!
12:48
I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper更深 I can make it."
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我要拿刀看我到底能捅多深。“
12:52
But we do that with psychological心理
injuries受伤 all the time.
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但是我们经常如此对待心理伤害。
12:55
Why? Because of poor较差的 emotional情绪化 hygiene卫生.
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为什么?由于糟糕的心理保健意识。
12:59
Because we don't prioritize优先
our psychological心理 health健康.
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因为我们不重视心理健康。
13:02
We know from dozens许多 of studies学习
that when your self-esteem自尊 is lower降低,
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很多研究表明,
如果你的自尊心低落,
13:06
you are more vulnerable弱势 to
stress强调 and to anxiety焦虑,
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你就更容易感到压力和焦虑,
13:09
that failures故障 and rejections拒绝 hurt伤害 more
and it takes longer to recover恢复 from them.
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失败和拒绝会伤害你更深,
你也需要更多的时间复原。
13:15
So when you get rejected拒绝,
the first thing you should be doing
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所以如果你被拒绝了,
首要的事情是应该
13:18
is to revive复活 your self-esteem自尊, not
join加入 Fight斗争 Club俱乐部 and beat击败 it into a pulp纸浆.
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重新激活你的自尊心,而不是
去拳击俱乐部打拳来发泄。
13:24
When you're in emotional情绪化 pain疼痛,
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当你在经历感情上痛苦,
13:27
treat对待 yourself你自己 with the same相同 compassion同情
you would expect期望 from a truly good friend朋友.
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像一个真正的好朋友那样同情你自己。
13:35
We have to catch抓住 our unhealthy不良
psychological心理 habits习惯 and change更改 them.
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我们需要改变
不健康的心理习惯。
13:39
One of unhealthiest不健康 and most common共同
is called rumination沉思.
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最常见又最不健康的习惯之一
就是穷思竭虑。
13:44
To ruminate寻味 means手段 to chew over.
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就是事后反复咀嚼回味一件事。
13:46
It's when your boss老板 yells破口大骂 at you, or your
professor教授 makes品牌 you feel stupid in class,
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比如你的老板冲你发脾气了,
或是教授在课上让你感到愚蠢,
13:51
or you have big fight斗争 with a friend朋友
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或是你和好朋友吵架了,
13:53
and you just can't stop replaying重播
the scene现场 in your head for days,
226
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然后你不断的在脑海里
回放当时的情况,好几天,
13:57
sometimes有时 for weeks on end结束.
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甚至好几个礼拜都不停。
13:59
Ruminating沉思 about upsetting events事件
in this way can easily容易 become成为 a habit习惯,
228
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反复回味不愉快的事
很容易变成习惯,
14:05
and it's a very costly昂贵 one.
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而这个习惯代价很大。
14:07
Because by spending开支 so much time focused重点
on upsetting and negative thoughts思念,
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因为当你在不愉快和
负面的事情上花这么多时间,
14:11
you are actually其实 putting yourself你自己
at significant重大 risk风险
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你把自己放在一个非常危险的境地,
14:14
for developing发展 clinical临床 depression萧条,
alcoholism酗酒, eating disorders障碍,
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可能诱发抑郁症,酗酒,饮食失调,
14:19
and even cardiovascular心血管 disease疾病.
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甚至心血管疾病。
14:22
The problem问题 is the urge敦促 to ruminate寻味 can
feel really strong强大 and really important重要,
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问题在于那种反复回味的需要
会变得非常强烈,非常紧迫,
14:28
so it's a difficult habit习惯 to stop.
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所以这种习惯会很难打破。
14:30
I know this for a fact事实,
because a little over a year ago,
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我知道事实如此,
因为就在一年多以前,
14:33
I developed发达 the habit习惯 myself.
237
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我自己就经历了这个习惯。
14:36
You see, my twin双胞胎 brother哥哥 was diagnosed确诊
with stage阶段 IIIIII non-Hodgkin's非霍奇金 lymphoma淋巴瘤.
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我的双胞胎哥哥
被确诊为三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。
14:42
His cancer癌症 was extremly都知道: aggressive侵略性.
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他的癌症来势汹汹。
14:45
He had visible可见 tumors肿瘤 all over his body身体.
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全身都有看得到的肿瘤。
14:48
And he had to start开始
a harsh苛刻 course课程 of chemotherapy化疗.
241
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他要做一轮大剂量的化疗。
14:53
And I couldn't不能 stop thinking思维 about
what he was going through通过.
242
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我情不自禁去想
他所经历的这一切。
14:58
I couldn't不能 stop thinking思维 about
how much he was suffering痛苦,
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情不自禁去想
他受的这些罪,
15:01
even though虽然 he never complained抱怨, not once一旦.
244
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尽管他从没抱怨过,
一次都没有。
15:06
He had this incredibly令人难以置信 positive attitude态度.
245
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他有着这种不可思议的积极态度。
15:08
His psychological心理 health健康 was amazing惊人.
246
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他的心理健康程度太了不起了。
15:12
I was physically物理 healthy健康,
but psychologically心理 I was a mess食堂.
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我身体上很健康,
但心理上我那时是一团糟。
15:16
But I knew知道 what to do.
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但我知道该怎样做。
15:18
Studies学习 tell us that even a two-minute两分钟
distraction娱乐 is sufficient足够
249
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研究表明,
哪怕只是分心短短两分钟
15:22
to break打破 the urge敦促 to ruminate寻味
in that moment时刻.
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都足以打破那一刻
你穷思竭虑的需求。
15:25
And so each time I had a worrying令人担忧,
upsetting, negative thought,
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所以每次当我担心,
烦恼,或带有负面情绪时,
15:29
I forced被迫 myself to concentrate集中 on
something else其他 until直到 the urge敦促 passed通过.
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我就强迫自己专注于其他的事情,
直到那种感觉过去。
15:34
And within one week,
my whole整个 outlook外表 changed
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仅仅一周时间,
我的视角就全变了
15:38
and became成为 more positive
and more hopeful有希望.
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变得更积极,更充满希望。
15:43
Nine weeks after he started开始 chemotherapy化疗,
my brother哥哥 had a CAT scan扫描,
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做了化疗九周之后,
我哥哥做了电脑断层扫描,
15:47
and I was by his side when
he got the results结果.
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出结果的时候,
我就在他身边。
15:51
All the tumors肿瘤 were gone走了.
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所有的肿瘤都消失了。
15:54
He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy化疗 to go,
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他还得再做三轮化疗,
15:57
but we knew知道 he would recover恢复.
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但是我们知道他能恢复。
15:59
This picture图片 was taken采取 two weeks ago.
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这张照片是两周前照的。
16:05
By taking服用 action行动 when you're lonely孤独,
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当你在孤独的时候采取行动,
16:08
by changing改变 your responses回复 to failure失败,
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当你改变对待失败的反应,
16:12
by protecting保护 your self-esteem自尊,
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当你保护自己的自尊心,
16:15
by battling作战 negative thinking思维,
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当你与负面的想法做斗争,
16:17
you won't惯于 just heal愈合 your
psychological心理 wounds伤口,
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你不仅可以治愈心理上的创伤,
16:19
you will build建立 emotional情绪化 resilience弹性,
you will thrive兴旺.
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你会建立起情绪恢复能力,
你会变得更强。
16:24
A hundred years年份 ago,
people began开始 practicing personal个人 hygiene卫生,
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一百年以前,
人们开始注重个人卫生,
16:28
and life expectancy期待 rates利率 rose玫瑰
by over 50 percent百分
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人的寿命延长了50%还多
16:33
in just a matter of decades几十年.
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这仅用了十年就实现了。
16:35
I believe our quality质量 of life
could rise上升 just as dramatically显着
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我相信,我们的生活质量
也会有同样程度的提高
16:39
if we all began开始 practicing
emotional情绪化 hygiene卫生.
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如果我们开始
关注情绪上的保健。
16:43
Can you imagine想像 what
the world世界 would be like
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能想象一下么,
这个世界会是什么样子
16:45
if everyone大家 was psychologically心理 healthier健康?
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如果每个人都在心理上更健康
16:49
If there were less loneliness孤单
and less depression萧条?
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如果世上少一些孤独和抑郁
16:52
If people knew知道 how to overcome克服 failure失败?
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如果人们了解
如何走出失败的阴影
16:55
If they felt better about themselves他们自己
and more empowered授权?
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如果人们更自信,充满力量。
16:58
If they were happier幸福 and more fulfilled完成?
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如果人们更幸福,更满足。
17:01
I can, because that's the world世界
I want to live生活 in,
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我能,因为那是一个
我想置身其中的世界,
17:05
and that's the world世界 my brother哥哥
wants to live生活 in as well.
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也是我哥哥想置身其中的世界。
17:10
And if you just become成为 informed通知
and change更改 a few少数 simple简单 habits习惯,
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只要你了解这些知识,
并改变一些简单的习惯,
17:14
well, that's the world世界 we can all live生活 in.
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那将是一个
我们都能置身其中的世界。
17:18
Thank you very much.
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非常感谢。
17:20
(Applause掌声)
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(鼓掌)
Translated by Jennifer Zhang
Reviewed by Michael Ge 葛叔

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.

Why you should listen

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.

His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.

More profile about the speaker
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com