ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxBoulder

Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go

Ash Beckham: 何时该表明立场——何时一笑而过

Filmed:
1,623,269 views

Ash Beckham 最近经过了一次风波,不禁使她发问:我是谁?她在姨妈和激励讲师两种角色之间挣扎。每个人都有纠结的时侯,她给我们提出大胆建议,如何在不尴尬的同时维护自己的气节。
- Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
This summer夏季 I was back
in Ohio俄亥俄州 for a family家庭 wedding婚礼,
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这个夏天,
我回俄亥俄州参加了一场家庭婚礼。
00:19
and when I was there,
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当我到那后,
00:22
there was a meet遇到 and greet迎接
with Anna安娜 and Elsa艾尔莎 from "Frozen冻结的."
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参加了一个《冰雪奇缘》中的安娜与艾尔莎
欢迎会。
00:25
Not the Anna安娜 and Elsa艾尔莎 from "Frozen冻结的,"
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并不是真的《冰雪奇缘》里的
安娜和艾尔莎,
00:29
as this was not a Disney-sanctioned迪士尼认可 event事件.
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因为这并非迪斯尼官方活动。
00:32
These two entrepreneurs企业家 had
a business商业 of running赛跑 princess公主 parties派对.
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而是两名创业者专门从事公主派对业务
00:36
Your kid孩子 is turning车削 five?
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你的孩子要满5岁了吗?
00:38
They'll他们会 come sing some songs歌曲,
sprinkle some fairy仙女 dust灰尘, it's great.
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她们会来唱唱歌,洒洒仙尘,
效果棒极了。
00:41
And they were not about
to miss小姐 out on the opportunity机会
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她们当然也不会错过现在流行的
00:45
that was the phenomenon现象
and that was "Frozen冻结的."
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《冰雪奇缘》给她们带来的商机。
00:48
So they get hired雇用 by a local本地 toy玩具 store商店,
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她们受雇于当地一家玩具店,
00:49
kids孩子 come in on a Saturday星期六 morning早上,
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孩子们周六早晨光顾时,
00:51
buy购买 some Disney迪士尼 swag赃物, get their
picture图片 taken采取 with the princesses公主们,
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买些迪斯尼玩偶,再和公主们合个影。
00:54
call it a day.
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这就是孩子完美的一天。
00:56
It's like Santa圣诞老人 Claus克劳斯
without the seasonal时令的 restrictions限制.
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就好像没有季节性限制的圣诞老人。
00:59
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
01:00
And my three-and-a-half-year-old三和半岁 niece侄女
Samantha萨曼莎 was in the thick of it.
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而我三岁半的小侄女萨曼莎正对公主
疯狂迷恋。
01:05
She could care关心 less that these two women妇女
were signing签约 posters海报 and coloring染色 books图书
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她毫不在意这两个女人作为
”白雪皇后“和“安娜公主”
01:10
as Snow Queen女王 and Princess公主 Ana安娜
with one N to avoid避免 copyright版权 lawsuits诉讼.
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给海报或者彩色书签名时
只签了个“N” 以避免版权纠纷。
01:16
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
01:17
According根据 to my niece侄女 and the 200-plus-加
kids孩子 in the parking停車處 lot that day,
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根据我侄女和
当天在场的200多个孩子的描述,
01:22
this was the Anna安娜 and Elsa艾尔莎 from "Frozen冻结的."
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这就是《冰雪奇缘》里的安娜和艾尔莎。
那是俄亥俄州八月一个酷热的周六早晨。
01:28
It is a blazing炽烈 hot Saturday星期六 morning早上
in August八月 in Ohio俄亥俄州.
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01:33
We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled计划 start开始 time,
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我们到达时刚刚10点,
正是安排的开始时间,
01:37
and we are handed number 59.
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而我们的排号为59.
01:39
By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers数字 21 through通过 25;
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11点时,叫号叫到了21至25号
01:43
this was going to be a while,
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轮到我们还有好一会儿,
01:45
and there is no amount
of free自由 face面对 painting绘画 or temporary临时 tattoos纹身
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却已经没有免费的脸部彩绘和文身贴纸
能抵御店外面快让人融化的高温了。
01:50
that could prevent避免 the meltdowns崩溃
that were occurring发生 outside of the store商店.
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01:53
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
01:55
So, by 12:30 we get called:
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12点半 终于叫到我们了
01:59
"56 to 63, please."
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”56到63号,这边请。“
02:02
And as we walk步行 in, it is a scene现场
I can only describe描述 you
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当我们走进商店,
那有一个布景我只能给你们形容为
02:05
as saying it looked看着 like Norway挪威 threw up.
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就像是一个废弃的挪威。
02:08
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
地板上铺满硬纸板剪出的雪花,
02:10
There were cardboard纸板
cut-out剪下 snowflakes雪花 covering覆盖 the floor地板,
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02:14
glitter闪光 on every一切 flat平面 surface表面,
and icicles冰柱 all over the walls墙壁.
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每个平面都银光闪烁,
墙面上还坠满冰柱。
02:20
And as we stood站在 in line线
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当我们站在队伍里,
02:21
in an attempt尝试 to give
my niece侄女 a better vantage华帝 point
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为了能给我侄女更好的视角,
02:23
than the backside背面
of the mother母亲 of number 58,
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而不只是前面58号妈妈的背影,
我把她抱起放在肩膀上。
02:26
I put her up on my shoulders肩膀,
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02:28
and she was instantly即刻 riveted铆接
by the sight视力 of the princesses公主们.
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而她的视线也马上凝聚在了公主们身上。
02:32
And as we moved移动 forward前锋,
her excitement激动 only grew成长,
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随着我们往前移动,她越来越兴奋。
02:34
and as we finally最后 got
to the front面前 of the line线,
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而当我们最终到达队伍最前端,
02:37
and number 58 unfurled迎风招展 her poster海报
to be signed by the princesses公主们,
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前面的58号已经展开海报让公主们
签名时,
02:40
I could literally按照字面 feel the excitement激动
running赛跑 through通过 her body身体.
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我能实实在在地感受到
贯穿我侄女全身的激动。
02:44
And let's be honest诚实,
at that point, I was pretty漂亮 excited兴奋 too.
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老实说,那时我其实也是激动异常。
02:47
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
02:48
I mean, the Scandinavian斯堪的纳维亚 decadence衰落
was mesmerizing迷人.
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我的意思是,这个“斯堪的纳维亚”废墟
实在太有魅力了。
02:51
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
02:52
So we get to the front面前 of the line线,
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当我们到了队伍的最前面,
02:54
and the haggard枯槁 clerk书记
turns to my niece侄女 and says,
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那个面容憔悴的店员转身对我侄女说,
02:57
"Hi你好, honey蜜糖. You're next下一个!
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“嗨,亲爱的,下一个就是你了!”
02:59
Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay
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你是想下来自己站着,还是继续留在
03:01
on your dad's爸爸的 shoulders肩膀 for the picture图片?'
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你爸爸肩头和公主们拍照?
03:04
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:05
And I was, for a lack缺乏
of a better word, frozen冻结的.
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而我,一时语塞,僵住了。
03:09
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:11
It's amazing惊人 that in an unexpected意外 instant瞬间
we are faced面对 with the question,
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神奇地 在一个不经意的瞬间
我们面临了这样一个问题:
03:15
who am I?
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我是谁?
03:17
Am I an aunt姑妈? Or am I an advocate主张?
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我是一个姨妈?
或者我是一名激励讲师?
03:20
Millions百万 of people have seen看到 my video视频
about how to have a hard conversation会话,
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无数朋友已看过我的视频,
描述如何处理尴尬的对话,
03:24
and there one was, right in front面前 of me.
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而此时此刻 我面前就有一个
03:26
At the same相同 time,
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与此同时,
03:27
there's nothing more important重要
to me than the kids孩子 in my life,
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我知道我生活中没有什么
能比孩子更重要,
于是我发现我处在一个大家都会经常
遇到的两难境地,
03:30
so I found发现 myself in a situation情况
that we so often经常 find ourselves我们自己 in,
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03:34
torn撕裂 between之间 two things,
two impossible不可能 choices选择.
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面临两件事、两种不可能的选择。
03:37
Would I be an advocate主张?
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我应该回归激励讲师的身份吗?
03:39
Would I take my niece侄女 off my shoulders肩膀
and turn to the clerk书记 and explain说明 to her
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我是否应该把我的侄女从肩头放下
并和店员解释
03:44
that I was in fact事实
her aunt姑妈, not her father父亲,
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我实际上是她的姨妈,而非父亲。
03:47
and that she should be more careful小心
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而店员以后也应多小心,
03:50
and not to jump to gender性别 conclusions结论
based基于 on haircuts理发 and shoulder rides游乐设施 --
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不要根据发型 或肩扛孩子
就随便妄断别人性别。
03:54
(Laughter笑声) --
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(笑声)
03:55
and while doing that,
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但这么做,
03:57
miss小姐 out on what was, to this point,
the greatest最大 moment时刻 of my niece's侄女的 life.
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我将错过我侄女生活中
最激动人心的一刻。
04:03
Or would I be an aunt姑妈?
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或者我应该做一个好姨妈?
04:05
Would I brush off that comment评论,
take a million百万 pictures图片,
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抛开我的意见,和侄女好好拍照,
04:08
and not be distracted分心 for an instant瞬间
from the pure joy喜悦 of that moment时刻,
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享受那时那刻的愉悦,一刻也不分心。
04:13
and by doing that,
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但这么做,
04:15
walk步行 out with the shame耻辱 that comes up
for not standing常设 up for myself,
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走出店门时,
我会为没有替自己辩护而心怀羞愧
04:18
especially特别 in front面前 of my niece侄女.
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特别是在我侄女面前
04:20
Who was I?
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我到底应该是谁?
04:22
Which哪一个 one was more important重要?
Which哪一个 role角色 was more worth价值 it?
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哪一个更重要?哪个角色更值得?
04:27
Was I an aunt姑妈? Or was I an advocate主张?
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我是个姨妈?还是个激励讲师?
04:30
And I had a split分裂 second第二 to decide决定.
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我不免有一秒的出神在纠结这个问题。
04:34
We are taught right now
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我们现在被教导
04:36
that we are living活的 in a world世界
of constant不变 and increasing增加 polarity极性.
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我们正生活在一个不断两极分化的世界。
04:40
It's so black黑色 and white白色,
so us and them, so right and wrong错误.
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这个世界太强调非黑即白,非此即彼,
非对即错。
04:45
There is no middle中间,
there is no gray灰色, just polarity极性.
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没有中庸中立,没有灰色地带,
只有极端化。
04:49
Polarity极性 is a state in which哪一个
two ideas思路 or opinions意见
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极端化指的是两种主张或意见
04:52
are completely全然 opposite对面 from each other;
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完全互为对立的状态;
04:54
a diametrical直径的 opposition反对.
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是非此即彼的对立。
你会站在哪一边?
04:58
Which哪一个 side are you on?
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你会坚定不移毫无疑问地反对战争,
支持堕胎权,反死刑,
05:00
Are you unequivocally明确 and without question
antiwar反战, pro-choice亲选择, anti-death防死 penalty罚款,
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05:04
pro-gun赞成枪 regulation, proponent支持者
of open打开 borders国界 and pro-union亲工会?
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认可枪支管理,支持边界开放和联盟吗?
05:08
Or, are you absolutely绝对
and uncompromisingly坚决
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或者你是绝对完全毫无妥协地
05:13
pro-war赞成战争, pro-life亲生活, pro-death促死亡 penalty罚款,
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支持战争,反堕胎,认可死刑,
05:15
a believer信徒 that the Second第二
Amendment修订 is absolute绝对,
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坚信第二修正案至高无上,
反移民,认可重商主义?
05:18
anti-immigrant反移民 and pro-business亲商?
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要么都是,要么都不是。要么是朋友,
要么是敌人。
05:19
It's all or none没有, you're with us
or against反对 us.
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05:21
That is polarity极性.
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这就是极端化。
05:24
The problem问题 with polarity极性
and absolutes绝对 is that
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极端化和绝对化的问题是
05:29
it eliminates消除 the individuality个性
of our human人的 experience经验
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它消除了我们的个性与人文体验,
05:34
and that makes品牌 it contradictory矛盾
to our human人的 nature性质.
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而这和我们的自然本性是相悖的。
05:39
But if we are pulled
in these two directions方向,
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但如果我们被迫二选一,
05:41
but it's not really where we exist存在 --
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而这些极端又不代表我们的真实存在,
05:43
polarity极性 is not our actual实际 reality现实 --
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两级对立并不是我们的实际生活,
05:45
where do we go from there?
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我们又应该去向何处?
05:47
What's at the other end结束 of that spectrum光谱?
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哪儿才是这段宽广范围中的另一端?
我并不认为这只是一个不能达到的
和谐的乌托邦,
05:50
I don't think it's an unattainable高不可攀,
harmonious和谐 utopia乌托邦,
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05:54
I think the opposite对面
of polarity极性 is duality二元性.
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我认为和极性相对立的是二元性。
05:58
Duality二元性 is a state of having two parts部分,
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二元性是一种两部分共生的状态,
06:00
but not in diametrical直径的 opposition反对,
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但这两部分不是你死我活的对立,
06:03
in simultaneous同时 existence存在.
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而是共存互生。
觉得这不可能?
06:06
Don't think it's possible可能?
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06:08
Here are the people I know:
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这些是我认识的一些人:
06:10
I know Catholics天主教徒 who are pro-choice亲选择,
and feminists女权主义者 who wear穿 hijabshijabs,
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我认识支持堕胎的天主教徒,
戴遮面纱巾的女权主义者。
06:13
and veterans老兵 who are antiwar反战,
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反对战争的老兵,
06:15
and NRANRA members会员 who think
I should be able能够 to get married已婚.
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认为我应结婚的全国枪支协会会员。
06:18
Those are the people I know,
those are my friends朋友 and family家庭,
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这些都是我认识的人,
是我的朋友和家人。
06:21
that is the majority多数 of our society社会,
that is you, that is me.
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这些才是我们社会的大多数,
这是你,也是我。
06:24
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
二元性是能包容事物的能力。
06:32
Duality二元性 is the ability能力
to hold保持 both things.
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06:38
But the question is:
Can we own拥有 our duality二元性?
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但问题是,我们能达成二元性吗?
06:42
Can we have the courage勇气
to hold保持 both things?
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我们有足够勇气去包容不同观点吗?
06:46
I work at a restaurant餐厅 in town,
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我在镇上一家餐馆工作,
06:48
I became成为 really good friends朋友
with the busser布瑟.
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我和洗碗工成了好朋友。
06:51
I was a server服务器 and we had
a great relationship关系,
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我是服务员,我们保持了不错的友谊,
06:54
we had a really great time together一起.
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我们一起经历了很多美好时光。
06:56
Her Spanish西班牙语 was great
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她的西班牙语很棒,
06:59
because she was from Mexico墨西哥.
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因为她来自墨西哥。
07:01
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
07:03
That line线 actually其实 went the other way.
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这情况我这边也一样。
07:05
Her English英语 was limited有限,
but significantly显著 better than my Spanish西班牙语.
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她的英文水平有限,
但也比我的西班牙语好得多。
我们因共同点而凝聚在一起,
07:12
But we were united联合的 by our similarities相似之处,
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07:15
not separated分离 by our differences分歧.
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也没有因为我们的不同而分开。
07:18
And we were close, even though虽然
we came来了 from very different不同 worlds世界.
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我们非常亲近,
尽管我们来自不同的地方。
07:21
She was from Mexico墨西哥,
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她是墨西哥人,
07:23
she left her family家庭 behind背后
so she could come here
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离开家人只身来到美国,
07:26
and afford给予 them a better life back home.
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努力工作以期给墨西哥的家人
提供更好的生活。
07:28
She was a devout虔诚的 conservative保守 Catholic天主教徒,
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她是虔诚的保守派天主教徒,
07:31
a believer信徒 in traditional传统 family家庭 values,
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坚信传统家庭观念,
以及男人和女人的固有社会角色。
07:34
stereotypical定型 roles角色 of men男人 and women妇女,
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07:36
and I was, well, me.
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而我,你们知道的。
(笑声)
07:38
(Laughter笑声)
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07:40
But the things that bonded保税 us
were when she asked about my girlfriend女朋友,
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而把我们联结在一起的是
当问到我女友的时刻,
07:44
or she shared共享 pictures图片 that she had
from her family家庭 back home.
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是分享她墨西哥家人照片的时刻。
07:47
Those were the things
that brought us together一起.
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正是这些 让我们的关系密切起来。
07:50
So one day, we were in the back,
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一天,我们正在餐馆后台
07:52
scarfing刨切 down food餐饮 as quickly很快 as we could,
gathered云集 around a small table,
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围着一张小餐桌狼吞虎咽,
07:55
during a very rare罕见 lull麻痹,
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因为休息间歇太短,
07:57
and a new guy
from the kitchen厨房 came来了 over --
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从厨房走来一名新员工,
07:59
who happened发生 to be her cousin表姐 --
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碰巧是她的堂弟。
08:01
and satSAT down with all
the bravado虚张声势 and machismo大男子主义
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他表现出一种20岁青年所拥有的
男子气概,
08:03
that his 20-year-old-岁 body身体 could hold保持.
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虚张声势地坐在我们面前。
08:06
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
08:07
And he said to her,
[in Spanish西班牙语] "Does Ash have a boyfriend男朋友?"
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他问她,(西班牙语):
“阿什有男友了吗?”
她答道,(西班牙语):
“没有,但她有女朋友。”
08:14
And she said,
[in Spanish西班牙语] "No, she has a girlfriend女朋友."
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他反问道,(西班牙语):“女朋友?”
08:19
And he said,
[in Spanish西班牙语] "A girlfriend女朋友?!?"
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08:23
And she set down her fork叉子,
and locked锁定 eyes眼睛 with him,
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而她放下叉子,盯着他,
08:26
and said, [in Spanish西班牙语] "Yes,
a girlfriend女朋友. That is all."
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再次答道,(西班牙语)
“对,她有女朋友,就是这样。”,
08:31
And his smug踌躇满志 smile微笑 quickly很快 dropped下降
to one of maternal母系 respect尊重,
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他自鸣得意的微笑迅速转变为
某种对女性长辈的尊重
08:36
grabbed抓起 his plate盘子, walked off,
went back to work.
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拿起他的盘子,转身回到厨房干活。
期间她和我没有任何眼神交流。
08:39
She never made制作 eye contact联系 with me.
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08:41
She left, did the same相同 thing --
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随后她也离开了,和她的堂弟一样。
08:43
it was a 10-second conversation会话,
such这样 a short interaction相互作用.
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这次谈话持续了10秒钟,
却是一次短暂的互动。
08:46
And on paper, she had
so much more in common共同 with him:
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按理说,她和他才会有更多共同点:
语言,文化,历史,家庭,
社区以及她的生活。
08:49
language语言, culture文化, history历史, family家庭,
her community社区 was her lifeline生命线 here,
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但她道义上的包容胜过了所有这些。
08:54
but her moral道德 compass罗盘 trumped莫须有 all of that.
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08:58
And a little bit later后来, they were joking开玩笑
around in the kitchen厨房 in Spanish西班牙语,
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不久后,他们又一起在厨房
用西班牙语开玩笑,
09:02
that had nothing to do with me,
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而这已和我没有任何关系。
那 就是二元包容性。
09:04
and that is duality二元性.
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在同性恋和传统信仰之间,
她没必要非得对前者采取政治正确的立场,
09:06
She didn't have to choose选择 some P.C. stance姿态
on gaynessgayness over her heritage遗产.
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也不必因为偏向家庭而亏待了友谊。
09:11
She didn't have to choose选择
her family家庭 over our friendship友谊.
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这不是选耶稣,还是选阿什的问题。
09:14
It wasn't Jesus耶稣 or Ash.
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09:16
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
(掌声)
09:20
(Applause掌声)
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09:27
Her individual个人 morality道德
was so strongly非常 rooted
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她个人的道义感如此根深蒂固,
09:31
that she had the courage勇气
to hold保持 both things.
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以至于她又有足够的勇气包容两种观念。
我们的道德良心是我们的责任,
09:35
Our moral道德 integrity廉正 is our responsibility责任
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即使在不太方便的时候,
我们也必须呵护它。
09:38
and we must必须 be prepared准备 to defend保卫 it
even when it's not convenient方便.
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这就是成为盟友的意义。
而如果你想要成为盟友,
09:42
That's what it means手段 to be an ally盟友,
and if you're going to be an ally盟友,
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你必须是一个积极的盟友。
09:46
you have to be an active活性 ally盟友:
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提出问题,
听到不恰当的观点时积极回应,
09:48
Ask questions问题, act法案 when you hear
something inappropriate不当,
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09:52
actually其实 engage从事.
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切实参与进去。
我认识个家族朋友,
多年来一直把我的女友称为我的”情人“。
09:54
I had a family家庭 friend朋友 who for years年份
used to call my girlfriend女朋友 my lover情人.
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10:00
Really? Lover情人?
186
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真的吗?情人?
10:03
So overly过于 sexual有性,
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性的意味有点重啊,
10:05
so '70s gay同性恋者 pornA片.
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很像70年代美国的同性恋情色文学。
10:07
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
但她在尝试,她积极询问我们的意见。
10:11
But she was trying, and she asked.
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她本可以叫我女友"我的朋友“
10:13
She could have called her my friend朋友,
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或我的”朋友“,或我的”特殊朋友“。
10:15
or my "friend朋友," or my "special特别 friend朋友" --
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(笑声)
10:19
(Laughter笑声) --
193
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10:21
or even worse更差, just not asked at all.
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或者更糟的是,完全不打招呼。
相信我,我们更愿意你们把意见说出来。
10:24
Believe me, we would rather have you ask.
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10:27
I would rather have her say lover情人,
than say nothing at all.
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我更愿意她叫我女友”情人“,
也好过什么都不说。
10:33
People often经常 say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care关心.
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人们常和我说:”阿什,我不在乎。
我看不到种族,宗教或性别问题。
10:36
I don't see race种族
or religion宗教 or sexuality性欲.
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10:39
It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
199
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它们对我没意义,我完全不在乎。“
10:44
But I think the opposite对面 of homophobia同性恋
and racism种族主义 and xenophobia排外主义 is not love,
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但我认为反同性恋,
种族主义和仇外的对立面不是爱,
而是冷漠。
10:49
it's apathy暮气.
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如果你没关注我的同性恋倾向,
你就等于不认识我。
10:51
If you don't see my gaynessgayness,
then you don't see me.
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10:55
If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep睡觉 with,
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如果你觉得我和谁睡觉对你无关紧要,
那么你也无法想象 当我在深夜
10:58
then you cannot不能 imagine想像 what it feels感觉 like
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2185
11:00
when I walk步行 down the street
late晚了 at night holding保持 her hand,
205
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牵着我女友的手走在街上时是什么感觉。
11:03
and approach途径 a group of people
and have to make the decision决定
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我们走进人群,而我却不得不决定
究竟应该是继续双手相握
还是不得已分开。
11:06
if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop下降 it
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2345
而我当时所希望的却是可以握得更紧。
11:08
when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter更紧.
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当我保持紧握 不理会别人眼光时,
11:10
And the small victory胜利 I feel
209
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11:13
when I make it by
and don't have to let go.
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我能感受到小小的胜利。
11:15
And the incredible难以置信 cowardice怯懦
and disappointment失望 I feel when I drop下降 it.
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但当手松开,我也会体会到难以置信的
懦弱和失望。
如果你们没有看见我的挣扎,没有体会到
11:21
If you do not see that struggle斗争
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11:22
that is unique独特 to my human人的 experience经验
because I am gay同性恋者, then you don't see me.
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我因为同性恋身份而特有的体验,你们
就是没认识我。
11:29
If you are going to be an ally盟友,
I need you to see me.
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如果你想要成为一名盟友,我需要你们
先认清我。
11:34
As individuals个人, as allies盟国, as humans人类,
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作为个人,朋友,有人性的人,
11:37
we need to be able能够 to hold保持 both things:
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我们需要能够包容事物的两面:
11:40
both the good and the bad,
217
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好的一面和坏的一面,
11:43
the easy简单 and the hard.
218
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容易的一面和困难的一面。
11:45
You don't learn学习 how to hold保持
two things just from the fluff起毛,
219
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4471
你不仅要从失误中学会包容两面性,
11:49
you learn学习 it from the grit砂砾.
220
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你还需要从磨砺中学到。
如果二元包容性只是第一步呢?
11:51
And what if duality二元性
is just the first step?
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如果通过包容,移情和人性互动,
11:56
What if through通过 compassion同情
and empathy同情 and human人的 interaction相互作用
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我们能够学到并接受事物的两面,
下一步又会如何?
12:01
we are able能够 to learn学习 to hold保持 two things?
223
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2394
12:03
And if we can hold保持
two things, we can hold保持 four,
224
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2314
我们能接受事物的两面,
我们就能接受的四面,
12:06
and if we can hold保持 four,
we can hold保持 eight,
225
713848
2010
如果我们能接受四面,
我们就能接受八面,
而如果我们能接受八面,
我们就能接受无穷。
12:08
and if we can hold保持 eight,
we can hold保持 hundreds数以百计.
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我们都是复杂的个体,
12:10
We are complex复杂 individuals个人,
227
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2462
12:12
swirls漩涡 of contradiction矛盾.
228
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是矛盾的漩涡。
你们现在正接受着各种事物和观点。
12:14
You are all holding保持
so many许多 things right now.
229
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2605
我们应该怎么做去接受更多更广呢?
12:18
What can you do to hold保持 just a few少数 more?
230
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3442
所以,回到俄亥俄州的托莱多市。
12:22
So, back to Toledo托莱多, Ohio俄亥俄州.
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730100
2137
12:24
I'm at the front面前 of the line线,
232
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我正站在队伍的最前端,
肩上坐着我的小侄女,
疲惫的店员说我是她爸。
12:26
niece侄女 on my shoulders肩膀,
the frazzled疲惫不堪 clerk书记 calls电话 me Dad.
233
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你们有过被人认错性别的经历吗?
12:30
Have you ever been mistaken错误
for the wrong错误 gender性别?
234
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3560
12:35
Not even that.
235
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不仅于此。
你们曾经被别人认错过吗?
12:37
Have you ever been called
something you are not?
236
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这是我当时的感觉:
12:43
Here's这里的 what it feels感觉 like for me:
237
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2530
我顿时感到五味杂陈。
12:46
I am instantly即刻 an internal内部 storm风暴
of contrasting对比 emotions情绪.
238
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4073
12:50
I break打破 out into a sweat that is
a combination组合 of rage愤怒 and humiliation屈辱,
239
758114
5542
愤怒和羞辱让我汗流不止,
我觉得整个商店的人都在盯着我,
12:55
I feel like the entire整个 store商店
is staring凝视 at me,
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同时也感到自己像个隐形人。
12:58
and I simultaneously同时 feel invisible无形.
241
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2560
我既想一阵狂骂,
13:01
I want to explode爆炸 in a tirade长篇大论 of fury愤怒,
242
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2943
又恨不得马上钻到地下。
13:04
and I want to crawl爬行 under a rock.
243
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2593
而所有这一切中,撇开挫折感,
最糟糕的是我当时穿了一件
13:06
And top最佳 all of that off
with the frustration挫折 that I'm wearing穿着
244
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3102
13:10
an out-of-character乱字符
tight-fitting紧身 purple紫色 t-shirtT恤衫,
245
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3598
不符合我性格的紧身紫色T恤,
所以商店里每个人能看见我的胸部,
13:13
so this whole整个 store商店 can see my boobs胸部,
246
781418
2038
穿这个就是为了保证不发生这种事的
13:15
to make sure this exact精确
same相同 thing doesn't happen发生.
247
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3001
(笑声)
13:18
(Laughter笑声)
248
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2182
13:20
But, despite尽管 my best最好 efforts努力
to be seen看到 as the gender性别 I am,
249
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4322
尽管我竭尽全力表明我的性别,
还是发生了这样的事。
13:25
it still happens发生.
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我真真切切地都希望当时没人听见
(店员误认我是小侄女她爸),
13:27
And I hope希望 with every一切 ounce盎司
of my body身体 that no one heard听说 --
251
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4692
不希望我的姐妹,女友听到,
当然也包括侄女。
13:31
not my sister妹妹, not my girlfriend女朋友,
and certainly当然 not my niece侄女.
252
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4553
13:36
I am accustomed惯常的 to this familiar hurt伤害,
253
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2441
我对这种伤害已经习以为常了,
13:38
but I will do whatever随你 I need to do
to protect保护 the people I love from it.
254
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4075
但我要尽我所能保护我爱的人免遭伤害。
13:44
But then I take my niece侄女 off my shoulders肩膀,
255
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2534
于是我从肩上放下我的小侄女,
13:46
and she runs运行 to Elsa艾尔莎 and Anna安娜 --
256
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2174
她马上跑向了艾尔莎和安娜,
13:48
the thing she's been
waiting等候 so long for --
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她等这一刻等了这么久。
所有的那些烦恼也随之烟消云散。
13:51
and all that stuff东东 goes away.
258
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2087
真正重要的是她脸上的笑容。
13:53
All that matters事项 is the smile微笑 on her face面对.
259
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13:57
And as the 30 seconds we waited等待
two and a half hours小时 for comes to a close
260
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5657
我们花两个半小时等来的30秒时光
快接近尾声时,
14:02
we gather收集 up our things,
and I lock eyes眼睛 with the clerk书记 again;
261
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5203
我收拾好我们的东西,
又向那个店员看了一眼;
她报以歉意的微笑 并用口型对我说,
14:08
and she gives me
an apologetic歉然 smile微笑 and mouths嘴巴,
262
835842
3136
”我真的十分抱歉!“
14:11
"I am so sorry!"
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14:13
(Laughter笑声)
264
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(笑声)
14:15
And her humanity人性, her willingness愿意 to admit承认
her mistake错误 disarms缴械 me immediately立即,
265
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5856
她的仁慈和认错的意愿
让我瞬间卸下了心理防备,
14:21
then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens发生. But thanks谢谢."
266
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我回答说:“没关系,有些事情无可避免
不过还是谢谢你。”
14:26
And I realize实现 in that moment时刻
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我意识到 在那一刻
我不是一定
14:29
that I don't have to be
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要么是姨妈,要么是激励讲师,
我可以兼顾两个角色。
14:31
either an aunt姑妈
or an advocate主张, I can be both.
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我可以以二元包容性的姿态活着
我可以同时掌控两件事。
14:37
I can live生活 in duality二元性,
and I can hold保持 two things.
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而如果我在那样的环境下可以兼顾两者,
14:42
And if I can hold保持 two things
in that environment环境,
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14:45
I can hold保持 so many许多 more things.
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那么我也可以接受更多的事情。
14:47
As my girlfriend女朋友 and my niece侄女 hold保持 hands
and skip跳跃 out the front面前 of the door,
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3752
当我女友和小侄女牵手跨出店门时,
我转向我妹妹问到,”这值得吗?“
14:51
I turn to my sister妹妹 and say,
"Was it worth价值 it?"
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14:54
And she said, "Are you kidding开玩笑 me?
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她回答:“你在开玩笑吗?
你没看见她脸上的笑容吗?这是她生命
里最快乐的一天!“
14:56
Did you see the look on her face面对?
This was the greatest最大 day of her life!"
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(笑声)
14:59
(Laughter笑声)
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”在酷热中等待两个半小时很值得,
15:01
"It was worth价值 the two
and a half hours小时 in the heat,
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15:03
it was worth价值 the overpriced高估 coloring染色 book
that we already已经 had a copy复制 of."
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那本标价过高的彩色图书,
虽然我们已经有一本了,但仍然值得。”
15:08
(Laughter笑声)
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896147
1707
(笑声)
“甚至你被误认为是她爸也是值得的。”
15:10
"It was even worth价值 you
getting得到 called Dad."
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15:13
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
生命中的第一次 我同意她的话。
15:17
And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually其实 was.
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15:23
Thank you, Boulder漂砾. Have a good night.
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谢谢波尔得市。祝大家晚安。
15:25
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
Translated by Coco Shen
Reviewed by Lidong Zhuo

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com