ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxBoulder

Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go

阿什·貝克漢姆: 該在何時採取立場——又在何時放下?

Filmed:
1,623,269 views

阿什·貝克漢姆最近發現自己深陷一種境地——在其中,她不禁問:我到底是誰?她感到自己在兩個角色間被拉扯——一位姨母和一位倡議者。“我們每個人有時都會有這種掙扎。”她說道,並且給出了如何在困難的時候堅持自己的準則的大膽建議。
- Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
This summer夏季 I was back
in Ohio俄亥俄州 for a family家庭 wedding婚禮,
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今年夏天我回俄亥俄州
去參加一個親戚的婚禮。
00:19
and when I was there,
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當我在那裡,
00:22
there was a meet遇到 and greet迎接
with Anna安娜 and Elsa艾爾莎 from "Frozen凍結的."
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與他人會面時,被《冰雪奇緣》中的
安娜(Anna)和艾莎(Elsa)迎接。
00:25
Not the Anna安娜 and Elsa艾爾莎 from "Frozen凍結的,"
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噢,那當然不是《冰雪奇緣》中的安娜和艾莎,
00:29
as this was not a Disney-sanctioned迪士尼認可 event事件.
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因為這並不是迪士尼公司批准的活動。
00:32
These two entrepreneurs企業家 had
a business商業 of running賽跑 princess公主 parties派對.
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這兩個商人有公主派對的業務。
00:36
Your kid孩子 is turning車削 five?
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如果你的小孩五歲了,
00:38
They'll他們會 come sing some songs歌曲,
sprinkle some fairy仙女 dust灰塵, it's great.
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她們會來唱一些歌,撒一些“仙塵”,
這太棒了。
00:41
And they were not about
to miss小姐 out on the opportunity機會
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並且她們不想錯過
00:45
that was the phenomenon現象
and that was "Frozen凍結的."
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那些關於《冰雪奇緣》等
熱門現象的機會。
00:48
So they get hired僱用 by a local本地 toy玩具 store商店,
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所以她們受僱於當地玩具店,
00:49
kids孩子 come in on a Saturday星期六 morning早上,
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在一個星期六上午,孩子們來了,
00:51
buy購買 some Disney迪士尼 swag贓物, get their
picture圖片 taken採取 with the princesses公主們,
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買一些迪士尼飾品,和公主們合影留念,
00:54
call it a day.
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然後到此為止。
00:56
It's like Santa聖誕老人 Claus克勞斯
without the seasonal時令的 restrictions限制.
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這就像聖誕老人一樣,只不過沒有時令限制。
00:59
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:00
And my three-and-a-half-year-old三和半歲 niece侄女
Samantha薩曼莎 was in the thick of it.
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並且我三歲半的外甥女薩曼莎對這正來勁。
01:05
She could care關心 less that these two women婦女
were signing簽約 posters海報 and coloring染色 books圖書
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她根本就不在乎這兩個女人,在海報和彩色畫冊上
以“Snow Queen(雪女王)”以及
01:10
as Snow Queen女王 and Princess公主 Ana安娜
with one N to avoid避免 copyright版權 lawsuits訴訟.
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為了避免版權訴訟的 "Princess Ana
(只有一個字母N的阿娜公主)" 的名字簽名。
01:16
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:17
According根據 to my niece侄女 and the 200-plus-加
kids孩子 in the parking停車處 lot that day,
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對我的外甥女和
那天在停車場的200多個孩子來說,
01:22
this was the Anna安娜 and Elsa艾爾莎 from "Frozen凍結的."
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她們就是《冰雪奇緣》中的安娜和艾莎。
01:28
It is a blazing熾烈 hot Saturday星期六 morning早上
in August八月 in Ohio俄亥俄州.
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那是個八月裡俄亥俄州
熾熱的星期六上午。
01:33
We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled計劃 start開始 time,
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我們在十點鐘到達,
即計劃中開始的時間,
01:37
and we are handed number 59.
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我們被排到第59號。
01:39
By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers數字 21 through通過 25;
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直到十一點整,他們終於叫了21到25號。
01:43
this was going to be a while,
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但還得再等上一段時間。
01:45
and there is no amount
of free自由 face面對 painting繪畫 or temporary臨時 tattoos紋身
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而這裡沒有能夠阻擋店外
那令人崩潰的炎熱之氣,
01:50
that could prevent避免 the meltdowns崩潰
that were occurring發生 outside of the store商店.
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免費的面部彩繪或臨時紋身貼
01:53
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:55
So, by 12:30 we get called:
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所以,到十二點半,終於輪到了我們,
01:59
"56 to 63, please."
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“56到63號,請進。”
02:02
And as we walk步行 in, it is a scene現場
I can only describe描述 you
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當我們進入時,我能給你描述的就只是
02:05
as saying it looked看著 like Norway挪威 threw up.
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好像挪威嘔吐了一樣
02:08
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
雪花硬紙剪畫鋪滿了整個地板,
02:10
There were cardboard紙板
cut-out剪下 snowflakes雪花 covering覆蓋 the floor地板,
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到處都有亮片裝飾著每個平面,
冰柱遍佈在每一堵墻上。
02:14
glitter閃光 on every一切 flat平面 surface表面,
and icicles冰柱 all over the walls牆壁.
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02:20
And as we stood站在 in line
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當我們排隊站著,
02:21
in an attempt嘗試 to give
my niece侄女 a better vantage華帝 point
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為了讓我外甥女有一個
02:23
than the backside背面
of the mother母親 of number 58,
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比起在58號孩子母親的背側
更有利的位置
我把她舉到了我肩膀上
02:26
I put her up on my shoulders肩膀,
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02:28
and she was instantly即刻 riveted鉚接
by the sight視力 of the princesses公主們.
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而當她一看見公主的模樣就被迷住了
02:32
And as we moved移動 forward前鋒,
her excitement激動 only grew成長,
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我們向前走時,她越來越興奮,
當我們終於到了隊伍的最前面,
02:34
and as we finally最後 got
to the front面前 of the line,
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58號孩子攤開了她
即將被公主們簽名的海報時,
02:37
and number 58 unfurled迎風招展 her poster海報
to be signed by the princesses公主們,
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02:40
I could literally按照字面 feel the excitement激動
running賽跑 through通過 her body身體.
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我確實可以感受到從她身體透出的那股興奮。
老實講,當下我也是相當興奮的。
02:44
And let's be honest誠實,
at that point, I was pretty漂亮 excited興奮 too.
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02:47
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:48
I mean, the Scandinavian斯堪的納維亞 decadence衰落
was mesmerizing迷人.
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我的意思是說,那種北歐斯坎地納維亞頹廢的場景
的確非常迷人。
02:51
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:52
So we get to the front面前 of the line,
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所以我們終於到了隊伍前,
02:54
and the haggard枯槁 clerk書記
turns to my niece侄女 and says,
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面帶倦容的店員朝我的外甥女說:
02:57
"Hi你好, honey蜜糖. You're next下一個!
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“嗨,親愛的,你是下一個!
02:59
Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay
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你是想下來,
還是繼續待在你爸爸的肩上合影?“
03:01
on your dad's爸爸的 shoulders肩膀 for the picture圖片?'
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03:04
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:05
And I was, for a lack缺乏
of a better word, frozen凍結的.
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那時,語塞的我,凍若木雞。
03:09
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
令人驚訝的是,在那個不預期的時刻,
我們面對著這一個問題:
03:11
It's amazing驚人 that in an unexpected意外 instant瞬間
we are faced面對 with the question,
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我是誰?
03:15
who am I?
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03:17
Am I an aunt姑媽? Or am I an advocate主張?
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我是一個阿姨嗎?
或者問,我是一個倡導者?
03:20
Millions百萬 of people have seen看到 my video視頻
about how to have a hard conversation會話,
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數百萬的人們看過我的有關
如何對那些難以啟齒的事開口的錄影帶,
03:24
and there one was, right in front面前 of me.
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而現在這個,就在我面前。
同一時刻,
03:26
At the same相同 time,
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03:27
there's nothing more important重要
to me than the kids孩子 in my life,
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沒有什麼比那些在我生命中的孩子更重要了,
所以我發現我自己在一種
我們經常察覺自己深陷其中,
03:30
so I found發現 myself in a situation情況
that we so often經常 find ourselves我們自己 in,
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03:34
torn撕裂 between之間 two things,
two impossible不可能 choices選擇.
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被兩件事,或者兩個不可能的選擇拉扯著。
03:37
Would I be an advocate主張?
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我會是個倡導者嗎?
03:39
Would I take my niece侄女 off my shoulders肩膀
and turn to the clerk書記 and explain說明 to her
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我會把我的外甥女放下來,
轉身去朝店員解釋說
03:44
that I was in fact事實
her aunt姑媽, not her father父親,
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事實上,我是她的阿姨,
不是她的爸爸嗎?
03:47
and that she should be more careful小心
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並且說,她應該更加留心,
不要根據髮型以及把小孩扛在肩上這種事
拿來判定一個人的性別——
03:50
and not to jump to gender性別 conclusions結論
based基於 on haircuts理髮 and shoulder rides遊樂設施 --
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(笑聲)
03:54
(Laughter笑聲) --
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03:55
and while doing that,
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且在做這件事的時候,
03:57
miss小姐 out on what was, to this point,
the greatest最大 moment時刻 of my niece's侄女的 life.
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錯過了在某種程度上,
對我外甥女來說是一生中最美好的時刻。
04:03
Or would I be an aunt姑媽?
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或者讓我只是一個阿姨?
04:05
Would I brush off that comment評論,
take a million百萬 pictures圖片,
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我可以忽略那句評論,照很多相片,
04:08
and not be distracted分心 for an instant瞬間
from the pure joy喜悅 of that moment時刻,
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而絲毫不從那單純的歡樂中被打斷,
但如果這麼做,
04:13
and by doing that,
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04:15
walk步行 out with the shame恥辱 that comes up
for not standing常設 up for myself,
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我將帶著未為自己據理力爭的羞恥感,
走出店門。
04:18
especially特別 in front面前 of my niece侄女.
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尤其是,在我外甥女面前。
04:20
Who was I?
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我到底是誰?
04:22
Which哪一個 one was more important重要?
Which哪一個 role角色 was more worth價值 it?
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到底哪一個比較重要?
哪一個角色值得得多?
04:27
Was I an aunt姑媽? Or was I an advocate主張?
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我是一位阿姨嗎?
或者我是一個倡導者?
04:30
And I had a split分裂 second第二 to decide決定.
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我只有一剎那的時間去決定。
04:34
We are taught right now
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現在我們被教導
我們生活在一個不斷極化、對立的世界,
04:36
that we are living活的 in a world世界
of constant不變 and increasing增加 polarity極性.
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04:40
It's so black黑色 and white白色,
so us and them, so right and wrong錯誤.
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就像黑與白,我們與他們,對與錯。
04:45
There is no middle中間,
there is no gray灰色, just polarity極性.
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在這其中,沒有中間狀態,
沒有灰色地帶,只是對立。
04:49
Polarity極性 is a state in which哪一個
two ideas思路 or opinions意見
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對立指的是:
1. 一種兩個想法或觀點
04:52
are completely全然 opposite對面 from each other;
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完全相反的狀態;
04:54
a diametrical直徑的 opposition反對.
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2. 截然相反的敵對。
04:58
Which哪一個 side are you on?
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你站在那一邊?
05:00
Are you unequivocally明確 and without question
antiwar反戰, pro-choice親選擇, anti-death防死 penalty罰款,
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你真的是斬釘截鐵地
反對戰爭,讚成合法墮胎,反對死刑,
主張槍支管制,主張開放邊境,
並且支持聯邦政府嗎?
05:04
pro-gun贊成槍 regulation, proponent支持者
of open打開 borders國界 and pro-union親工會?
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05:08
Or, are you absolutely絕對
and uncompromisingly堅決
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或者,你又的確毫不含糊地
05:13
pro-war贊成戰爭, pro-life親生活, pro-death促死亡 penalty罰款,
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主戰,反墮胎,主張死刑,
05:15
a believer信徒 that the Second第二
Amendment修訂 is absolute絕對,
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認為政府應當允許公民持有並使用槍支,
05:18
anti-immigrant反移民 and pro-business親商?
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反對移民並且親企業?
是與否,支持我們與反對我們——
05:19
It's all or none沒有, you're with us
or against反對 us.
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05:21
That is polarity極性.
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這就是對立。
05:24
The problem問題 with polarity極性
and absolutes絕對 is that
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對立化與絕對化的癥結,在於——
05:29
it eliminates消除 the individuality個性
of our human人的 experience經驗
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它忽略了我們的人生閱歷所帶來的個人特點,
05:34
and that makes品牌 it contradictory矛盾
to our human人的 nature性質.
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也與人性相違背。
05:39
But if we are pulled
in these two directions方向,
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我們或許在對立中不知所措,
05:41
but it's not really where we exist存在 --
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但,對立的世界並不真的是我們所存在的世界——
05:43
polarity極性 is not our actual實際 reality現實 --
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現實並不總是對立的——
05:45
where do we go from there?
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我們由現實去向何方?
05:47
What's at the other end結束 of that spectrum光譜?
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而在另一個極端的,又是什麼?
05:50
I don't think it's an unattainable高不可攀,
harmonious和諧 utopia烏托邦,
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我不認為這是一個達不到的和諧烏托邦,
我認為對立的反面是二元性。
05:54
I think the opposite對面
of polarity極性 is duality二元性.
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05:58
Duality二元性 is a state of having two parts部分,
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二元性是:
1. 一種雙重性的狀態,
06:00
but not in diametrical直徑的 opposition反對,
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但不是針鋒相對。
06:03
in simultaneous同時 existence存在.
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2. 同時存在。
06:06
Don't think it's possible可能?
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你難道不認為那是可能的嗎?
06:08
Here are the people I know:
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就提我所知道的一些人為例:
06:10
I know Catholics天主教徒 who are pro-choice親選擇,
and feminists女權主義者 who wear穿 hijabshijabs,
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我認識提倡墮胎合法的天主教徒,
戴頭巾的女權主義者
06:13
and veterans老兵 who are antiwar反戰,
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反戰的退伍軍人,
06:15
and NRANRA members會員 who think
I should be able能夠 to get married已婚.
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以及那些認為我應該能結婚的全國步槍協會
(其反對強制限制)的工作人員。
06:18
Those are the people I know,
those are my friends朋友 and family家庭,
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那些是我認識的人,
那些是我的朋友和家人。
那是我們社會的大多數,
那是你,那是我。
06:21
that is the majority多數 of our society社會,
that is you, that is me.
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06:24
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
06:32
Duality二元性 is the ability能力
to hold保持 both things.
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二元性是一種能夠包容兩種事物的能力。
06:38
But the question is:
Can we own擁有 our duality二元性?
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但問題是:我們能擁有屬於我們的二元性嗎?
06:42
Can we have the courage勇氣
to hold保持 both things?
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我們有能夠包容兩種事物的勇氣嗎?
06:46
I work at a restaurant餐廳 in town,
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我在鎮上的一家餐廳上班,
06:48
I became成為 really good friends朋友
with the busser布瑟.
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我與服務員助理成了很要好的朋友。
06:51
I was a server服務器 and we had
a great relationship關係,
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而我是一個服務員,我們關係很好。
06:54
we had a really great time together一起.
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我們在一起度過了非常美好的時光。
06:56
Her Spanish西班牙語 was great
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她的西班牙語很好,
06:59
because she was from Mexico墨西哥.
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因為她來自墨西哥
(墨西哥官方語言為西班牙語)。
07:01
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
07:03
That line actually其實 went the other way.
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看來這句話實際上起了反效果。
07:05
Her English英語 was limited有限,
but significantly顯著 better than my Spanish西班牙語.
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她的英語有限,但明顯比我的西班牙語強啊!
07:12
But we were united聯合的 by our similarities相似之處,
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但我們因為我們的相似性而合作無間,
07:15
not separated分離 by our differences分歧.
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而不會因為我們的不同而分離。
07:18
And we were close, even though雖然
we came來了 from very different不同 worlds世界.
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即使我們來自非常不同的世界,我們仍很親近。
07:21
She was from Mexico墨西哥,
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她來自墨西哥,
07:23
she left her family家庭 behind背後
so she could come here
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她離開了她的家庭,
是為了能來這裡工作,
07:26
and afford給予 them a better life back home.
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補貼家用,讓他們在家能過上更好的生活。
07:28
She was a devout虔誠的 conservative保守 Catholic天主教徒,
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她是個虔誠的天主教徒,
07:31
a believer信徒 in traditional傳統 family家庭 values,
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那種深信傳統家庭價值觀、
07:34
stereotypical定型 roles角色 of men男人 and women婦女,
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傳統性別角色的人,
07:36
and I was, well, me.
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而我是,呃,還是我。
07:38
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
07:40
But the things that bonded保稅 us
were when she asked about my girlfriend女朋友,
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但讓我們結合的東西是
她打聽我的女朋友的時刻,
07:44
or she shared共享 pictures圖片 that she had
from her family家庭 back home.
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或者是她分享了來自她家裡的照片。
07:47
Those were the things
that brought us together一起.
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就是那些東西讓我們更接近彼此。
07:50
So one day, we were in the back,
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所以有一天,
我們在儲藏室,
07:52
scarfing刨切 down food餐飲 as quickly很快 as we could,
gathered雲集 around a small table,
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聚在一塊小桌旁,
盡我們所能狼吞虎嚥地吃,
07:55
during a very rare罕見 lull麻痺,
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在罕見的平靜中,
07:57
and a new guy
from the kitchen廚房 came來了 over --
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一個新來的傢伙從廚房裡過來了——
07:59
who happened發生 to be her cousin表姐 --
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那人碰巧是她堂弟——
08:01
and satSAT down with all
the bravado虛張聲勢 and machismo大男子主義
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帶著20歲的他所能表現出來的
虛張聲勢以及男子氣概
08:03
that his 20-year-old-歲 body身體 could hold保持.
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坐下了。
08:06
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:07
And he said to her,
[in Spanish西班牙語] "Does Ash have a boyfriend男朋友?"
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他對她說:
“(西語)阿什有男朋友嗎?”
08:14
And she said,
[in Spanish西班牙語] "No, she has a girlfriend女朋友."
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她回答:
“(西語)不,她有一個女朋友。”
08:19
And he said,
[in Spanish西班牙語] "A girlfriend女朋友?!?"
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他又說:
“(西語)一個,女朋友?!”
08:23
And she set down her fork叉子,
and locked鎖定 eyes眼睛 with him,
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她放下了她的餐叉,
盯著他的眼睛說:
08:26
and said, [in Spanish西班牙語] "Yes,
a girlfriend女朋友. That is all."
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“(西語)是的。一個女朋友。就是這樣。”
08:31
And his smug躊躇滿志 smile微笑 quickly很快 dropped下降
to one of maternal母系 respect尊重,
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他那自命不凡的微笑很快就變成了
那種對母親的尊重的笑容。
08:36
grabbed抓起 his plate盤子, walked off,
went back to work.
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他抓著他的盤子走開了,
又回去工作。
08:39
She never made製作 eye contact聯繫 with me.
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她說這話時對我從沒有眼神接觸。
08:41
She left, did the same相同 thing --
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她也走了,做著同樣的事——
08:43
it was a 10-second conversation會話,
such這樣 a short interaction相互作用.
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這是一次十秒鐘的談話,
如此短的互動。
08:46
And on paper, she had
so much more in common共同 with him:
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理論上,她和他多的是相似之處:
08:49
language語言, culture文化, history歷史, family家庭,
her community社區 was her lifeline生命線 here,
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語言、文化、歷史、家庭,
甚至她的社區,是她在這裡的生命線,
08:54
but her moral道德 compass羅盤 trumped莫須有 all of that.
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但她道德羅盤所指引的,卻勝過所有。
08:58
And a little bit later後來, they were joking開玩笑
around in the kitchen廚房 in Spanish西班牙語,
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過了一會,他們又在廚房裡用西班牙語
09:02
that had nothing to do with me,
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開著那些和我無關的玩笑,
09:04
and that is duality二元性.
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這,就是二元性。
09:06
She didn't have to choose選擇 some P.C. stance姿態
on gaynessgayness over her heritage遺產.
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她不必為了選擇站在同性戀立場
而捨棄了她的傳承。
09:11
She didn't have to choose選擇
her family家庭 over our friendship友誼.
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她不必為了選擇她的家庭
而捨棄我們的友誼。
09:14
It wasn't Jesus耶穌 or Ash.
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這不是耶穌或者阿什。
09:16
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
09:20
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
09:27
Her individual個人 morality道德
was so strongly非常 rooted
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她的個人道德觀念是如此根深蒂固,
09:31
that she had the courage勇氣
to hold保持 both things.
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讓她有能包容兩件事物的勇氣。
09:35
Our moral道德 integrity廉正 is our responsibility責任
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維持我們道德的完整性,是我們的責任,
09:38
and we must必須 be prepared準備 to defend保衛 it
even when it's not convenient方便.
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我們為了保護它必須做好準備,
即使是在困難的時候。
09:42
That's what it means手段 to be an ally盟友,
and if you're going to be an ally盟友,
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這就是成為一名支持者的意義,
如果你要成為一名支持者,
09:46
you have to be an active活性 ally盟友:
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你只能是一個活躍的支持者:
提出問題,在聽到不適當的話語時行動,
09:48
Ask questions問題, act法案 when you hear
something inappropriate不當,
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09:52
actually其實 engage從事.
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全心全意的投入。
09:54
I had a family家庭 friend朋友 who for years年份
used to call my girlfriend女朋友 my lover情人.
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我有一個家人的朋友,
她幾年來都習慣叫我的女朋友 “我的愛人”。
10:00
Really? Lover情人?
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真的嗎?愛人?
10:03
So overly過於 sexual有性,
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這過度性感,
10:05
so '70s gay同性戀者 pornA片.
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就像是70年代的同性戀色情。
10:07
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
10:11
But she was trying, and she asked.
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但她在嘗試,她也問過了。
10:13
She could have called her my friend朋友,
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她本可以叫我的女朋友 “我的朋友”,
10:15
or my "friend朋友," or my "special特別 friend朋友" --
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或者 “朋友”,或者 “摯友”——
10:19
(Laughter笑聲) --
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(笑聲)
10:21
or even worse更差, just not asked at all.
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或者更糟,根本都不問。
10:24
Believe me, we would rather have you ask.
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相信我吧,我們寧可你問。
10:27
I would rather have her say lover情人,
than say nothing at all.
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比起什麼也不說,我寧可讓她說“愛人”。
10:33
People often經常 say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care關心.
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人們經常對我說,“好吧,阿什,我其實不在乎。
10:36
I don't see race種族
or religion宗教 or sexuality性慾.
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我並不關心人種、宗教或者性別之類的。
10:39
It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
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這些跟我沒關係。我不在意它們。”
但我認為,對同性戀的憎惡、
種族主義以及仇外主義的反面並不是愛,
10:44
But I think the opposite對面 of homophobia同性戀
and racism種族主義 and xenophobia排外主義 is not love,
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是冷漠。
10:49
it's apathy暮氣.
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如果你並不在意我是同性戀者,
那麼你也不會在意我。
10:51
If you don't see my gaynessgayness,
then you don't see me.
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10:55
If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep睡覺 with,
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如果對你來說我和誰睡覺並不重要,
10:58
then you cannot不能 imagine想像 what it feels感覺 like
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那麼你也無法想像那種
11:00
when I walk步行 down the street
late晚了 at night holding保持 her hand,
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當我在深夜裡牽著她的手走在街上的感覺,
11:03
and approach途徑 a group of people
and have to make the decision決定
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尤其在接近一群人時,
做出決定
11:06
if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop下降 it
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看是要繼續牽著,還是要放手
11:08
when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter更緊.
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而我其實只想握得更緊;
11:10
And the small victory勝利 I feel
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以及我不必再放手時
11:13
when I make it by
and don't have to let go.
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所感受到的小小勝利。
11:15
And the incredible難以置信 cowardice怯懦
and disappointment失望 I feel when I drop下降 it.
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以及當我放手的時候所感到
那令人難以置信的懦弱和失望。
11:21
If you do not see that struggle鬥爭
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如果你看不出那些掙扎,
11:22
that is unique獨特 to my human人的 experience經驗
because I am gay同性戀者, then you don't see me.
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它是屬於我獨一無二的經驗,因為我是同性戀者——那麼你也不會看到我。
11:29
If you are going to be an ally盟友,
I need you to see me.
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如果你想成為一個盟友,
我需要你在意我、看到我。
11:34
As individuals個人, as allies盟國, as humans人類,
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作為個體,作為夥伴,作為人類,
11:37
we need to be able能夠 to hold保持 both things:
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我們需要能夠包容兩件事:
11:40
both the good and the bad,
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好與壞,
11:43
the easy簡單 and the hard.
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難和易。
11:45
You don't learn學習 how to hold保持
two things just from the fluff起毛,
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你從順境中是學不會如何包容兩件事的,
11:49
you learn學習 it from the grit砂礫.
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你是從磨練中學到它的。
11:51
And what if duality二元性
is just the first step?
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再說,如果二元性還只是第一步?
11:56
What if through通過 compassion同情
and empathy同情 and human人的 interaction相互作用
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如果通過同情心與惻隱之心以及人際互動
12:01
we are able能夠 to learn學習 to hold保持 two things?
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我們就能夠學會包容兩件事呢?
12:03
And if we can hold保持
two things, we can hold保持 four,
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而且如果我們能包容兩件事物,
那我們同樣也能包容四件。
12:06
and if we can hold保持 four,
we can hold保持 eight,
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如果我們能包容四件事物,
那我們同樣也能包容八件。
如果我們能包容八件事物,
那我們同樣也能包容成百上千件事物。
12:08
and if we can hold保持 eight,
we can hold保持 hundreds數以百計.
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12:10
We are complex複雜 individuals個人,
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我們是多元化的個體,
12:12
swirls漩渦 of contradiction矛盾.
228
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矛盾的漩渦。
12:14
You are all holding保持
so many許多 things right now.
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你們現在已經包容了很多事情。
12:18
What can you do to hold保持 just a few少數 more?
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為了能夠多包容一點,
你還能做些什麼?
那麼,回到俄亥俄州的托萊多市。
12:22
So, back to Toledo托萊多, Ohio俄亥俄州.
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12:24
I'm at the front面前 of the line,
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我在那條隊伍前,
12:26
niece侄女 on my shoulders肩膀,
the frazzled疲憊不堪 clerk書記 calls電話 me Dad.
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肩上扛著外甥女,
疲憊的店員稱我為父親。
你曾經被認錯性別嗎?
12:30
Have you ever been mistaken錯誤
for the wrong錯誤 gender性別?
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甚至不只是這樣,
12:35
Not even that.
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你曾經被人誤稱嗎?
12:37
Have you ever been called
something you are not?
236
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12:43
Here's這裡的 what it feels感覺 like for me:
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這就是我的感受:
我立刻被捲入由相斥的情感
混雜而成的風暴中。
12:46
I am instantly即刻 an internal內部 storm風暴
of contrasting對比 emotions情緒.
238
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12:50
I break打破 out into a sweat that is
a combination組合 of rage憤怒 and humiliation屈辱,
239
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我因憤怒與屈辱而出了一身的熱汗。
12:55
I feel like the entire整個 store商店
is staring凝視 at me,
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我覺得整間商店都在盯著我看。
12:58
and I simultaneously同時 feel invisible無形.
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同時我感覺不被看見。
13:01
I want to explode爆炸 in a tirade長篇大論 of fury憤怒,
242
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我想在千言萬語的憤怒中爆發,
13:04
and I want to crawl爬行 under a rock.
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我想鑽到地洞裡去。
13:06
And top最佳 all of that off
with the frustration挫折 that I'm wearing穿著
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但最令人沮喪的是:我特意穿了
一件不相稱的緊身紫色T恤,
好讓這整個商店的人
13:10
an out-of-character亂字符
tight-fitting緊身 purple紫色 t-shirtT恤衫,
245
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13:13
so this whole整個 store商店 can see my boobs胸部,
246
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都可以看到我的胸部。
來確保這種認錯性別的事不會發生。
13:15
to make sure this exact精確
same相同 thing doesn't happen發生.
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(笑聲)
13:18
(Laughter笑聲)
248
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13:20
But, despite儘管 my best最好 efforts努力
to be seen看到 as the gender性別 I am,
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但是,雖盡了我的最大努力
讓別人認清我的性別,
這種事仍然發生了。
13:25
it still happens發生.
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我希望我身體不被人聽到的一點一滴——
13:27
And I hope希望 with every一切 ounce盎司
of my body身體 that no one heard聽說 --
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13:31
not my sister妹妹, not my girlfriend女朋友,
and certainly當然 not my niece侄女.
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不是我的姐妹,我的女朋友,
當然更不是我的外甥女。
13:36
I am accustomed慣常的 to this familiar hurt傷害,
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我已習慣這種熟悉的傷害,
13:38
but I will do whatever隨你 I need to do
to protect保護 the people I love from it.
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但我會盡我所能去
保護我所愛的人不受這種傷害。
13:44
But then I take my niece侄女 off my shoulders肩膀,
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但接下來我把我的外甥女從肩頭放下,
13:46
and she runs運行 to Elsa艾爾莎 and Anna安娜 --
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她朝艾莎和安娜跑去——
13:48
the thing she's been
waiting等候 so long for --
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那是她等了那麼久所期待的——
13:51
and all that stuff東東 goes away.
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但一切的一切都遠離了我。
13:53
All that matters事項 is the smile微笑 on her face面對.
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她臉上的微笑,付出一切都值得。
13:57
And as the 30 seconds we waited等待
two and a half hours小時 for comes to a close
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我們為那30秒等了兩個半小時
也即將結束時,
14:02
we gather收集 up our things,
and I lock eyes眼睛 with the clerk書記 again;
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我們收拾我們的東西,
而且我再一次盯著那位店員;
14:08
and she gives me
an apologetic歉然 smile微笑 and mouths嘴巴,
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她給了我一個歉意的微笑,
並且不出聲地說:
“我實在很抱歉!”
14:11
"I am so sorry!"
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14:13
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
14:15
And her humanity人性, her willingness願意 to admit承認
her mistake錯誤 disarms繳械 me immediately立即,
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她的人性化,她的勇於承認錯誤
立刻瓦解了我。
14:21
then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens發生. But thanks謝謝."
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然後我對她說:
“沒關係,偶爾會發生,但謝謝。”
14:26
And I realize實現 in that moment時刻
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在那個時刻我意識到
我沒有必要
14:29
that I don't have to be
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14:31
either an aunt姑媽
or an advocate主張, I can be both.
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只能選擇當阿姨或倡導者,
我能同時扮演兩個角色。
我能二元性地生活,
並且我能包容兩件事物。
14:37
I can live生活 in duality二元性,
and I can hold保持 two things.
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14:42
And if I can hold保持 two things
in that environment環境,
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並且如果我能在那種情境中
包容兩件事物,
14:45
I can hold保持 so many許多 more things.
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那麼我能包容更多的事物。
14:47
As my girlfriend女朋友 and my niece侄女 hold保持 hands
and skip跳躍 out the front面前 of the door,
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當我的女朋友和我的外甥女牽著手,溜出前門時,
我朝著我的姊妹說:
“這值得嗎?”
14:51
I turn to my sister妹妹 and say,
"Was it worth價值 it?"
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14:54
And she said, "Are you kidding開玩笑 me?
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她回答:“你在開玩笑嗎?
14:56
Did you see the look on her face面對?
This was the greatest最大 day of her life!"
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你看到她臉上的樣子了嗎?
這是她生命中最棒的一天!“
14:59
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
15:01
"It was worth價值 the two
and a half hours小時 in the heat,
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”這兩個半小時在炎熱中的等待是值得的,
15:03
it was worth價值 the overpriced高估 coloring染色 book
that we already已經 had a copy複製 of."
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甚至是那本我們已經擁有的
超貴彩色畫冊也是值得的。”
15:08
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
15:10
"It was even worth價值 you
getting得到 called Dad."
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“你被叫做‘爸爸’同樣也是值得的。”
15:13
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
15:17
And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually其實 was.
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這是我生命中的第一次,它真的是值得的。
15:23
Thank you, Boulder漂礫. Have a good night.
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謝謝大家,謝謝 TEDxBoulder,晚安。
15:25
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
Translated by Luo Wenjie
Reviewed by Chih Ying (Naomi) Chuang

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com