ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Priya Parker - Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities.

Why you should listen

Priya Parker is helping us take a deeper look at how anyone can create collective meaning in modern life, one gathering at a time. A group conflict mediator, she's spent 15 years helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations during times of heat and transition. Frustrated by dull and disappointing gatherings, Parker set out to rewrite the rule book for creating transformative group experiences. 

Parker interviewed more than 100 gatherers and wove together their wisdom and her own experiences in her acclaimed book The Art of Gathering. She has worked on racial dialogues on American campuses and peace-building projects in India, Africa and the Arab world.

More profile about the speaker
Priya Parker | Speaker | TED.com
TED2019

Priya Parker: 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings

Filmed:
2,078,372 views

Why do some gatherings take off and others don't? Author Priya Parker shares three easy steps to turn your parties, dinners, meetings and holidays into meaningful, transformative gatherings.
- Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:13
When I was a child,
0
1026
1497
00:14
every other Friday,
1
2547
1159
00:15
I would leave my mother
and stepfather's home --
2
3730
2942
00:18
an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,
3
6696
4649
00:23
agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,
4
11369
5654
00:29
Democratic household.
5
17047
1292
00:31
And I would go 1.4 miles
to my father and stepmother's home
6
19339
4473
00:35
and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,
7
23836
3584
00:39
conservative, Republican,
8
27444
2853
00:42
twice-a-week-churchgoing,
9
30321
2515
00:44
meat-eating family.
10
32860
2094
00:47
It doesn't take a shrink
to explain how I ended up
11
35996
2450
00:50
in the field of conflict resolution.
12
38470
1716
00:52
(Laughter)
13
40210
1542
00:54
Whether I was facilitating dialogues
in Charlottesville or Istanbul
14
42164
3747
00:57
or Ahmedabad,
15
45935
1223
00:59
the challenge was always the same:
16
47182
1905
01:02
despite all odds,
17
50088
1699
01:03
and with integrity,
18
51811
1542
01:05
how do you get people
to connect meaningfully,
19
53377
2901
01:08
to take risks,
20
56302
1618
01:09
to be changed by their experience?
21
57944
2564
01:13
And I would witness extraordinarily
beautiful electricity in those rooms.
22
61626
5479
01:19
And then I would leave those rooms
23
67930
1682
01:21
and attend my everyday
gatherings like all of you --
24
69636
2768
01:24
a wedding or a conference
or a back-to-school picnic --
25
72428
3217
01:27
and many would fall flat.
26
75669
1663
01:30
There was a meaning gap
27
78155
1832
01:32
between these high-intensity
conflict groups
28
80011
2620
01:34
and my everyday gatherings.
29
82655
2051
01:37
Now, you could say, sure,
somebody's birthday party
30
85412
2444
01:39
isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,
31
87880
2335
01:42
but that's not what I was responding to.
32
90239
2005
01:45
As a facilitator,
33
93688
1395
01:47
you're taught to strip everything away
34
95107
2073
01:49
and focus on the interaction
between people,
35
97204
2989
01:52
whereas everyday hosts
focus on getting the things right --
36
100217
4099
01:56
the food, the flowers, the fish knives --
37
104340
3033
01:59
and leave the interaction
between people largely to chance.
38
107397
3324
02:03
So I began to wonder how we might change
our everyday gatherings
39
111599
4279
02:07
to focus on making meaning
by human connection,
40
115902
4194
02:12
not obsessing with the canapés.
41
120120
2188
02:15
And I set out and interviewed
dozens of brave and unusual hosts --
42
123777
3877
02:19
an Olympic hockey coach,
a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,
43
127678
3184
02:22
a rabbi, a camp counselor--
44
130886
2083
02:24
to better understand
what creates meaningful
45
132993
2340
02:27
and even transformative gatherings.
46
135357
1837
02:29
And I want to share with you
some of what I learned today
47
137513
2668
02:32
about the new rules of gathering.
48
140205
2083
02:35
So when most people plan a gathering,
49
143812
1774
02:37
they start with an off-the-rack format.
50
145610
2289
02:39
Birthday party? Cake and candles.
51
147923
2798
02:43
Board meeting?
52
151112
1237
02:44
One brown table, 12 white men.
53
152373
2602
02:46
(Laughter)
54
154999
2440
02:51
Assuming the purpose is obvious,
we skip too quickly to form.
55
159405
4286
02:55
This not only leads to dull
and repetitive gatherings,
56
163715
2656
02:58
it misses a deeper opportunity
57
166395
2225
03:00
to actually address our needs.
58
168644
2416
03:03
The first step of creating
more meaningful everyday gatherings
59
171904
3608
03:08
is to embrace a specific
disputable purpose.
60
176405
3746
03:13
An expectant mother I know
was dreading her baby shower.
61
181381
3565
03:17
The idea of "pin the diaper
on the baby" games
62
185542
2907
03:20
and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.
63
188473
2830
03:23
So she paused to ask:
64
191787
1343
03:25
What is the purpose of a baby shower?
65
193154
2641
03:27
What is my need at this moment?
66
195819
2735
03:31
And she realized it was
to address her fears
67
199268
2336
03:33
of her and her husband's --
remember that guy? --
68
201628
3160
03:36
transition to parenthood.
69
204812
1581
03:38
And so she asked two friends
to invent a gathering based on that.
70
206817
3623
03:42
And so on a sunny afternoon,
six women gathered.
71
210978
3060
03:46
And first, to address her fear of labor --
she was terrified --
72
214062
4682
03:50
they told her stories from her life
73
218768
2308
03:53
to remind her of the characteristics
she already carries --
74
221100
3823
03:56
bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --
75
224947
3740
04:01
that they believed would carry her
and help her in labor as well.
76
229513
3307
04:04
And as they spoke, they tied a bead
for each quality into a necklace
77
232844
4660
04:09
that she could wear around her neck
in the delivery room.
78
237528
3104
04:13
Next, her husband came in,
79
241216
2022
04:15
and they wrote new vows,
family vows, and spoke them aloud,
80
243262
3927
04:19
first committing to keep
their marriage central
81
247213
2305
04:21
as they transitioned to parenthood,
82
249542
1681
04:23
but also future vows to their future son
83
251247
2807
04:26
of what they wanted to carry with them
from each of their family lines
84
254078
3302
04:29
and what would stop with this generation.
85
257404
2435
04:32
Then more friends came along,
including men, for a dinner party.
86
260392
3764
04:36
And in lieu of gifts, they each brought
a favorite memory from their childhood
87
264180
3916
04:40
to share with the table.
88
268120
1654
04:41
Now, you might be thinking
this is a lot for a baby shower,
89
269798
3791
04:45
or it's a little weird
or it's a little intimate.
90
273613
2688
04:48
Good.
91
276325
1174
04:49
It's specific.
92
277523
1240
04:50
It's disputable.
93
278787
1606
04:52
It's specific to them,
94
280417
1589
04:54
just as your gathering
should be specific to you.
95
282030
2819
04:58
The next step of creating
more meaningful everyday gatherings
96
286353
3694
05:02
is to cause good controversy.
97
290071
2702
05:05
You may have learned, as I did,
98
293908
1635
05:07
never to talk about sex, politics
or religion at the dinner table.
99
295567
3357
05:11
It's a good rule in that
it preserves harmony,
100
299295
2907
05:14
or that's its intention.
101
302226
1607
05:15
But it strips away a core ingredient
of meaning, which is heat,
102
303857
4472
05:20
burning relevance.
103
308353
1626
05:22
The best gatherings learn
to cultivate good controversy
104
310736
4147
05:26
by creating the conditions for it,
105
314907
2366
05:29
because human connection
is as threatened by unhealthy peace
106
317297
4458
05:33
as by unhealthy conflict.
107
321779
1781
05:37
I was once working
with an architecture firm,
108
325218
2711
05:39
and they were at a crossroads.
109
327953
1479
05:41
They had to figure out whether they wanted
to continue to be an architecture firm
110
329456
3862
05:45
and focus on the construction of buildings
111
333342
2011
05:47
or pivot and become
the hot new thing, a design firm,
112
335377
2486
05:49
focusing on beyond
the construction of spaces.
113
337887
2813
05:52
And there was real
disagreement in the room,
114
340724
2077
05:54
but you wouldn't know, because no one
was actually speaking up publicly.
115
342825
3416
05:58
And so we hosted good controversy.
116
346265
1845
06:00
After a lunch break,
all the architects came back,
117
348134
3193
06:03
and we hosted a cage match.
118
351351
3044
06:07
They walked in,
119
355479
1187
06:08
we took one architect, put him
in one corner to represent architecture,
120
356690
3405
06:12
the other one to represent design.
121
360119
1865
06:14
We threw white towels around their necks,
122
362008
1978
06:16
stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --
123
364010
2198
06:18
played Rocky music on an iPad,
124
366232
2427
06:20
got each a Don King-like manager
125
368683
2169
06:22
to rev them up and prepare them
with counterarguments,
126
370876
2601
06:25
and then basically made them each argue
the best possible argument
127
373501
3511
06:29
of each future vision.
128
377036
1609
06:31
The norm of politeness
was blocking their progress.
129
379344
3294
06:34
And we then had everybody else
physically choose a side
130
382662
4006
06:38
in front of their colleagues.
131
386692
1640
06:40
And because they were able
to actually show where they stood,
132
388356
2967
06:43
they broke an impasse.
133
391347
1287
06:45
Architecture won.
134
393240
1493
06:47
So that's work.
135
395479
1443
06:48
What about a hypothetical
tense Thanksgiving dinner?
136
396946
5181
06:54
Anyone?
137
402151
1233
06:55
(Laughter)
138
403408
1671
06:58
So first, ask the purpose.
139
406041
2532
07:00
What does this family need this year?
140
408597
3200
07:04
If cultivating good heat is part of it,
141
412594
3016
07:07
then try for a night banning opinions
and asking for stories instead.
142
415634
4911
07:13
Choose a theme
related to the underlying conflict.
143
421387
2917
07:16
But instead of opinions,
144
424995
1151
07:18
ask everybody to share a story
from their life and experience
145
426170
3056
07:21
that nobody around the table
has ever heard,
146
429250
2512
07:23
to difference or to belonging
147
431786
2565
07:26
or to a time I changed my mind,
148
434375
2399
07:29
giving people a way in to each other
149
437542
2224
07:31
without burning the house down.
150
439790
1880
07:35
And finally, to create more meaningful
everyday gatherings,
151
443559
3278
07:39
create a temporary alternative world
152
447948
2779
07:42
through the use of pop-up rules.
153
450751
2986
07:47
A few years ago, I started noticing
invitations coming with a set of rules.
154
455021
3740
07:51
Kind of boring or controlling, right?
155
459580
2484
07:55
Wrong.
156
463000
1233
07:56
In this multicultural,
intersectional society,
157
464257
2756
07:59
where more of us are gathered and raised
158
467037
2077
08:01
by people and with etiquette
unlike our own,
159
469138
2767
08:03
where we don't share the etiquette,
160
471929
2269
08:06
unspoken norms are trouble,
161
474222
1916
08:09
whereas pop-up rules allow us
to connect meaningfully.
162
477141
3554
08:12
They're one-time-only constitutions
for a specific purpose.
163
480719
4169
08:16
So a team dinner,
164
484912
2521
08:19
where different generations are gathering
165
487457
2225
08:21
and don't share the same
assumptions of phone etiquette:
166
489706
3099
08:25
whoever looks at their phone first
167
493991
1970
08:27
foots the bill.
168
495985
1255
08:29
(Laughter)
169
497264
1412
08:30
Try it.
170
498700
1206
08:31
(Applause)
171
499930
1468
08:33
For an entrepreneurial advice circle
of just strangers,
172
501422
2885
08:36
where the hosts don't want
everybody to just listen
173
504331
2433
08:38
to the one venture capitalist
in the room --
174
506788
2056
08:40
(Laughter)
175
508868
1016
08:41
knowing laugh --
176
509908
1443
08:43
(Laughter)
177
511375
1034
08:44
you can't reveal what you do for a living.
178
512433
3424
08:48
For a mom's dinner,
179
516437
1747
08:50
where you want to upend the norms
180
518208
1669
08:51
of what women who also happen
to be mothers talk about when they gather,
181
519901
4515
08:56
if you talk about your kids,
you have to take a shot.
182
524440
3057
08:59
(Laughter)
183
527521
2618
09:02
That's a real dinner.
184
530624
1314
09:05
Rules are powerful,
185
533258
2045
09:07
because they allow us to temporarily
change and harmonize our behavior.
186
535327
4869
09:12
And in diverse societies,
187
540220
1990
09:14
pop-up rules carry special force.
188
542234
2324
09:17
They allow us to gather across difference,
189
545028
2241
09:19
to connect,
190
547293
1484
09:20
to make meaning together
191
548801
1359
09:22
without having to be the same.
192
550184
1774
09:25
When I was a child,
193
553104
1478
09:27
I navigated my two worlds
by becoming a chameleon.
194
555564
2972
09:31
If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,
195
559266
2211
09:33
I would say, "Bless you,"
196
561501
1630
09:35
in my father's, "God bless you."
197
563155
2828
09:38
To protect myself, I hid,
198
566848
2368
09:41
as so many of us do.
199
569240
1524
09:43
And it wasn't until I grew up
and through conflict work
200
571420
2759
09:46
that I began to stop hiding.
201
574203
2019
09:49
And I realized that gatherings for me,
202
577730
2844
09:52
at their best,
203
580598
1587
09:54
allow us to be among others,
204
582209
2344
09:57
to be seen for who we are,
205
585410
2512
09:59
and to see.
206
587946
2135
10:03
The way we gather matters
207
591510
2208
10:07
because how we gather
208
595210
2352
10:09
is how we live.
209
597586
1294
10:11
Thank you.
210
599627
1157
10:12
(Applause)
211
600808
2922

▲Back to top

ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Priya Parker - Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities.

Why you should listen

Priya Parker is helping us take a deeper look at how anyone can create collective meaning in modern life, one gathering at a time. A group conflict mediator, she's spent 15 years helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations during times of heat and transition. Frustrated by dull and disappointing gatherings, Parker set out to rewrite the rule book for creating transformative group experiences. 

Parker interviewed more than 100 gatherers and wove together their wisdom and her own experiences in her acclaimed book The Art of Gathering. She has worked on racial dialogues on American campuses and peace-building projects in India, Africa and the Arab world.

More profile about the speaker
Priya Parker | Speaker | TED.com

Data provided by TED.

This site was created in May 2015 and the last update was on January 12, 2020. It will no longer be updated.

We are currently creating a new site called "eng.lish.video" and would be grateful if you could access it.

If you have any questions or suggestions, please feel free to write comments in your language on the contact form.

Privacy Policy

Developer's Blog

Buy Me A Coffee