TED2018
Christina Wallace: How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps
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Let's face it, online dating can suck. So many potential people, so much time wasted -- is it even worth it? Podcaster and entrepreneur Christina Wallace thinks so, if you do it right. In a funny, practical talk, Wallace shares how she used her MBA skill set to invent a "zero date" approach and get off swipe-based apps -- and how you can, too.
Christina Wallace - Entrepreneur, podcaster, storyteller
A self-described "human Venn diagram," Christina Wallace has crafted a career at the intersection of business, the arts and technology. Full bio
A self-described "human Venn diagram," Christina Wallace has crafted a career at the intersection of business, the arts and technology. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I first tried online dating
my freshman year of college,
my freshman year of college,
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which was in 2001,
in case you can't see my wrinkle.
in case you can't see my wrinkle.
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Now, as you may have noticed,
I'm six-feet tall,
I'm six-feet tall,
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and when I arrived at my chosen university
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and realized our men's Division III
basketball team averaged five-foot-eight,
basketball team averaged five-foot-eight,
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I abandoned the on-campus
scene and went online.
scene and went online.
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Now, back then, online dating
was pretty close to the plot
was pretty close to the plot
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of "You've Got Mail."
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You'd write long emails
back and forth for weeks,
back and forth for weeks,
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before you finally met up in real life.
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Except, in my case,
you'd realize you have no chemistry
you'd realize you have no chemistry
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and so now, you're back to square one.
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So, while online dating
has changed a lot in the last 17 years,
has changed a lot in the last 17 years,
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many of the frustrations remain the same.
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Because here's what it does well.
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It broadens your pool of potential dates
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beyond your existing social
and professional circles.
and professional circles.
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And here's what it doesn't do well.
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Literally everything else.
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(Laughter)
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A few things you should know about me:
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I'm an action-oriented overachieving
math and theater nerd,
math and theater nerd,
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who ended up with an MBA.
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So, when things aren't working out,
I tend to take a step back,
I tend to take a step back,
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apply my business toolkit
to figure out why, and to fix it.
to figure out why, and to fix it.
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My love life was no exception.
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The summer before I turned 30,
I took myself on a relationship off-site.
I took myself on a relationship off-site.
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Which means I went camping solo
in Maine for a week,
in Maine for a week,
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to do a retro on my track record
of mediocre relationships.
of mediocre relationships.
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Because the thing was,
I knew what I wanted in a partner.
I knew what I wanted in a partner.
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Kindness, curiosity, empathy,
a sense of purpose.
a sense of purpose.
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And yet, here's what I chose for online:
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Ivy League degree, six feet or taller,
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lives within 12 subway stops of me.
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It's not that I intentionally
prioritized those things,
prioritized those things,
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it's just the easiest to vet for online.
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It kind of is like a résumé review,
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which is why these guys
looked great on paper
looked great on paper
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and never quite fit me.
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So when I went back online
in the spring of 2016,
in the spring of 2016,
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I decided to reengineer the process
through some classic business tools.
through some classic business tools.
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First, I went to OkCupid,
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because I wanted to avoid
the gamification of swipe-based apps.
the gamification of swipe-based apps.
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And also, because I wanted
a writing sample.
a writing sample.
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Next, I set up a sales funnel,
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throwing out any sense of my type,
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and instead defining the criteria
that would qualify a lead.
that would qualify a lead.
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An inbound message had to do three things:
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had to be written in complete sentences
and with good grammar;
and with good grammar;
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it had to reference
something in my profile,
something in my profile,
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so I know it's not
a copy-and-paste situation;
a copy-and-paste situation;
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and it had to avoid all sexual content.
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I figured this was a pretty low bar,
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but it turns out,
of my 210 inbound messages,
of my 210 inbound messages,
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only 14 percent cleared that hurdle.
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(Laughter)
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Next, I wanted to meet in real life
as quickly as possible,
as quickly as possible,
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because the things I cared about,
I couldn't see online.
I couldn't see online.
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But the research, and my experience,
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shows you only need about 30 seconds
with someone to tell if you click.
with someone to tell if you click.
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So I invented the zero date.
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The zero date is one drink, one hour.
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With the goal of answering one question:
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Would I like to have
dinner with this person?
dinner with this person?
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Not "are they the one"?
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Literally, "Would I like to spend
three hours across the table
three hours across the table
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from this person?"
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You tell them you have a hard stop --
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drinks with girlfriends,
a conference call with China --
a conference call with China --
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it doesn't matter, they don't know you.
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The point is one hour.
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If it's awesome,
you schedule a first date.
you schedule a first date.
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And if it's not awesome,
you downshift into entertainer mode
you downshift into entertainer mode
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and you workshop a few new stories
for your next networking event.
for your next networking event.
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Plus, because it's just an hour,
you can squeeze up to three in one evening
you can squeeze up to three in one evening
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and then you only have to do your hair
and pick out one great outfit a week.
and pick out one great outfit a week.
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The zero date also gave me a chance
to see how they responded
to see how they responded
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to me asking them out.
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I figured not everyone
would dig my moxie, and I was right.
would dig my moxie, and I was right.
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Of my 29 qualified leads,
only 15 replied to my message,
only 15 replied to my message,
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and of those, six scheduled a zero date.
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My first zero date
was with a set designer.
was with a set designer.
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And we were both into yoga
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and preferred our bagels
with peanut butter,
with peanut butter,
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so it looked pretty promising.
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But two minutes in, I could tell
it wasn't going to be a thing
it wasn't going to be a thing
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and I was relieved not to be
spending dinner with him.
spending dinner with him.
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After that, I was a little nervous
about going to my next zero date.
about going to my next zero date.
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04:14
But we had agreed to meet
on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade
on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade
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with a flask of whiskey
to watch the sunset,
to watch the sunset,
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and honestly, it was two blocks
from my apartment.
from my apartment.
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Plus, this guy had a podcast,
I have a podcast,
I have a podcast,
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worst case scenario,
we can talk about our podcasts.
we can talk about our podcasts.
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Then, Chas set down next to me.
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And this kind and empathetic man
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told great jokes
and asked even better questions.
and asked even better questions.
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He was a lawyer and a writer,
and his eyes twinkled when he laughed
and his eyes twinkled when he laughed
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and they squeezed tight when I kissed him
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and at some point in the evening,
our zero date became a first date.
our zero date became a first date.
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And two years later, we have a washer,
dryer and two house plants together.
dryer and two house plants together.
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Now, I can't promise
you're going to end up with house plants.
you're going to end up with house plants.
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But the point of this story
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is that online dating
doesn't have to suck.
doesn't have to suck.
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Don't treat it like a game,
and don't treat it like a resume review.
and don't treat it like a resume review.
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Instead, use it to source
and qualify leads
and qualify leads
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and then get offline as quickly
as possible with the zero date.
as possible with the zero date.
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Because the point of this isn't swiping.
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It's finding your person.
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Good luck.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Christina Wallace - Entrepreneur, podcaster, storytellerA self-described "human Venn diagram," Christina Wallace has crafted a career at the intersection of business, the arts and technology.
Why you should listen
Christina Wallace is currently the VP of Growth at Bionic, co-host of The Limit Does Not Exist podcast and co-author of upcoming business book New-to-Big, which will be published by Currency (Penguin Random House) in Spring 2019.
Wallace previously founded fashion company Quincy and ed-tech startup BridgeUp: STEM inside the American Museum of Natural History, and she opened the New York office for Startup Institute. Mashable named her one of "44 Female Founders to Know" and Refinery29 declared her one of the "Most Powerful Women in NYC Tech."
In her free time, Wallace sings in a community choir, climbs mountains, runs half (and some full) marathons and volunteers for progressive political causes. She lives with her fiancé and their two houseplants in Brooklyn, New York.
Watch Wallace's TEDxSanAntonio 2016 talk here.
Christina Wallace | Speaker | TED.com