TEDWomen 2019
Eve Ensler: The profound power of an authentic apology
伊芙·恩斯勒: 真诚的道歉所蕴含的深刻力量
Filmed:
Readability: 3.5
1,443,244 views
传奇剧作家伊芙·恩斯勒说道，真诚的道歉远不止自责懊悔。在这场坦率且令人心碎的演讲中，她分享了自己如何将亲身受暴的经历转化为一种智慧——这些施暴者可以做什么，说什么，以真正悔改自己的暴行——她也提出了一个四步方案来协助开始这个过程。（本演讲包含成人内容）
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere. Full bio
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
For the past few years,
we've been calling men out.
we've been calling men out.
0
1619
4142
在过去几年，
我们不断在揭发男人们的恶行。
我们不断在揭发男人们的恶行。
我们必须做这件事。
00:19
It had to be done.
1
7103
1199
（掌声）
00:20
(Applause)
2
8326
1952
但最近，我一直在思考
我们需要做一项更艰巨的事情。
我们需要做一项更艰巨的事情。
00:22
But lately, I've been thinking
we need to do something even harder.
we need to do something even harder.
3
10302
5344
就像我朋友托尼·波特说的那样，
我们需要
我们需要
00:28
We need, as my good friend
Tony Porter says,
Tony Porter says,
4
16567
3582
找到一个方法，
让男性参与到这项事业。
让男性参与到这项事业。
00:32
to find a way to call men in.
5
20173
3716
我父亲在我 5 岁的时候，
开始对我进行性虐待。
开始对我进行性虐待。
00:37
My father began to sexually abuse me
when I was five years old.
when I was five years old.
6
25412
4008
他会在半夜进到我的房间，
00:42
He would come into my room
in the middle of the night.
in the middle of the night.
7
30586
3095
看起来神情恍惚。
00:45
He appeared to be in a trance.
8
33705
1810
虐待持续到了我 10 岁的时候。
00:48
The abuse continued until I was 10.
9
36476
2674
当我尝试拒绝他，
00:51
When I tried to resist him,
10
39846
2303
当我终于能够说“不”，
00:54
when I was finally able to say no,
11
42173
2787
他开始殴打我。
00:56
he began to beat me.
12
44984
1808
他辱骂我愚蠢，
00:58
He called me stupid.
13
46816
1774
称我是个撒谎者。
01:00
He said I was a liar.
14
48614
1360
父亲对我的性虐待
在我 10 岁的时候停止了，
在我 10 岁的时候停止了，
01:02
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,
15
50974
2731
但实际上，它从未停止。
01:05
but actually, it never ended.
16
53729
2833
它改变了我。
01:09
It changed who I was.
17
57531
1706
我曾总是满怀焦虑、
愧疚和羞耻的情绪，
愧疚和羞耻的情绪，
01:11
I was filled with anxiety and guilt
and shame all the time,
and shame all the time,
18
59823
4475
我也不知道为什么。
01:16
and I didn't know why.
19
64322
1799
我讨厌自己的身体，
我讨厌我自己，
我讨厌我自己，
01:18
I hated my body, I hated myself,
20
66145
3055
我病得很重，
01:21
I got sick a lot,
21
69224
1746
无法思考，
01:22
I couldn't think,
22
70994
1306
记性也很差。
01:24
I couldn't remember things.
23
72324
1622
我被危险的男女所吸引，
01:26
I was drawn to dangerous men and women
24
74343
3202
我自愿的——实际上，
我很乐意——被糟糕地对待，
我很乐意——被糟糕地对待，
01:29
who I allowed -- actually, I invited --
to treat me badly,
to treat me badly,
25
77569
4869
因为这是我父亲教我的，
对爱的理解。
对爱的理解。
01:34
because that is what my father
taught me love was.
taught me love was.
26
82462
2814
我等待了一生，
等着我父亲向我道歉。
等着我父亲向我道歉。
01:38
I waited my whole life
for my father to apologize to me.
for my father to apologize to me.
27
86708
4529
他没有，
01:44
He didn't.
28
92118
1352
也不会这样做。
01:45
He wouldn't.
29
93494
1515
最近一些男性公众人物的丑闻
01:47
And then, with the recent
scandals of famous men,
scandals of famous men,
30
95033
2761
一个个被揭露，
01:49
as one after another was exposed,
31
97818
3389
我意识到一件事：
01:53
I realized something:
32
101231
1150
我从未听到过
01:55
I have never heard a man
33
103481
3055
一个犯下强暴
或肢体暴力罪名的男性
或肢体暴力罪名的男性
01:58
who has committed rape
or physical violence
or physical violence
34
106560
4198
曾向其受害者公开道歉。
02:02
ever publicly apologize to his victim.
35
110782
4056
我开始思考，
02:08
I began to wonder,
36
116294
1822
一个真诚的道歉会是怎样的？
02:10
what would an authentic,
deep apology be like?
deep apology be like?
37
118140
5220
所以有些奇怪的事情开始发生。
02:20
So, something strange began to happen.
38
128179
3523
我开始写作，
02:24
I began to write,
39
132404
1878
之后我父亲的声音开始重现。
02:26
and my father's voice
began to come through me.
began to come through me.
40
134306
2984
他开始告诉我
他之前到底做了什么错事，
他之前到底做了什么错事，
02:30
He began to tell me what he had done
41
138235
2547
以及为什么他会这么做。
02:32
and why.
42
140806
1439
他开始道歉。
02:34
He began to apologize.
43
142269
2835
我父亲已经去世了将近 31 年，
02:37
My father is dead almost 31 years,
44
145128
2461
但是，
02:39
and yet, in this apology,
45
147613
1748
在这封我替他写的道歉信中，
02:41
the one I had to write for him,
46
149385
2592
我发现了道歉的力量，
02:44
I discovered the power of an apology
47
152001
4485
这实际上可能是一种
02:48
and how it actually might be
the way to move forward
the way to move forward
48
156510
2731
能让所有施暴男性和受暴女性
02:51
in the crisis we now face
49
159265
2099
度过眼前危难的方法。
02:53
with men and all the women they abuse.
50
161388
3026
道歉是一种至高无上的承诺。
02:57
Apology is a sacred commitment.
51
165196
3770
03:01
It requires complete honesty.
52
169798
2263
它要求绝对的诚实。
它需要深层的自我拷问和时间。
03:04
It demands deep
self-interrogation and time.
self-interrogation and time.
53
172719
3229
不能着急。
03:07
It cannot be rushed.
54
175972
1699
我发现，道歉通常有 4 个步骤，
03:10
I discovered an apology has four steps,
55
178052
3088
如果你要道歉，
我很乐意和你们分享这 4 个步骤。
我很乐意和你们分享这 4 个步骤。
03:13
and, if you would,
I'd like to take you through them.
I'd like to take you through them.
56
181164
2969
第一，你必须要
详细陈述你做了什么。
详细陈述你做了什么。
03:16
The first is you have to say
what, in detail, you did.
what, in detail, you did.
57
184157
3832
03:20
Your accounting cannot be vague.
58
188858
1949
你的描述不能模棱两可。
“如果我伤到你了，对不起。”
03:23
"I'm sorry if I hurt you"
59
191236
1446
或“如果我性虐待你了，对不起。”
03:24
or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"
60
192706
2001
这样的话并没有任何帮助。
03:26
doesn't cut it.
61
194731
1318
你必须要说清真正发生了什么。
03:28
You have to say what actually happened.
62
196350
3124
“我在半夜跑到你的房间，
03:32
"I came into the room
in the middle of the night,
in the middle of the night,
63
200351
2325
脱下你的内裤。”
03:34
and I pulled your underpants down."
64
202700
2374
“我贬低了你，因为我嫉妒你，
03:37
"I belittled you because
I was jealous of you
I was jealous of you
65
205810
2111
我想要让你感到自己一文不值。”
03:39
and I wanted you to feel less."
66
207945
2404
解脱在于细节。
03:42
The liberation is in the details.
67
210373
2985
道歉是一场追忆。
03:46
An apology is a remembering.
68
214088
2842
它联系着过去和现在。
03:48
It connects the past with the present.
69
216954
2472
它诉说着过去真实发生的事情。
03:51
It says that what occurred
actually did occur.
actually did occur.
70
219450
3262
第二步，你需要询问自己为什么。
03:55
The second step
is you have to ask yourself why.
is you have to ask yourself why.
71
223838
4365
幸存者始终会被“为什么”所烦扰。
04:00
Survivors are haunted by the why.
72
228997
3022
为什么？为什么我的父亲
想要性虐待自己的大女儿？
想要性虐待自己的大女儿？
04:04
Why? Why would my father want
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
73
232043
5096
为什么他会抓着我的头
并用力往墙上撞？
并用力往墙上撞？
04:09
Why would he take my head
and smash it against a wall?
and smash it against a wall?
74
237163
3372
以我父亲为例，
04:15
In my father's case,
75
243565
2103
他比其他兄弟姐妹小很多。
04:17
he was a child born long after
the other children.
the other children.
76
245692
3974
他的出生是一个“奇迹般的”意外。
04:22
He was an accident
that became "the miracle."
that became "the miracle."
77
250671
3349
他一直都是个被家人
爱慕宠溺着的男孩。
爱慕宠溺着的男孩。
04:26
He was adored and treated
as the golden boy.
as the golden boy.
78
254495
3595
但是“爱慕”，实际上与“爱”不同。
04:30
But adoration, it turns out, is not love.
79
258714
3060
爱慕是一种
04:34
Adoration is a projection
80
262410
1453
其他人将所有期望寄托于你，
04:35
of someone's need for you to be perfect
81
263887
2270
想要你变得完美的情感。
04:38
onto you.
82
266181
1150
04:39
My father had to live up
to this impossible ideal,
to this impossible ideal,
83
267788
2943
我的父亲必须承担起这些
难以实现的期望，
难以实现的期望，
所以他从来不被允许做自己。
04:42
and so he was never allowed to be himself.
84
270755
2274
他从来不被允许表达自己的温柔
04:45
He was never allowed to express tenderness
85
273441
2061
或是脆弱、好奇和疑问。
04:47
or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.
86
275526
3233
他从来不被允许流泪。
04:50
He was never allowed to cry.
87
278783
2216
因此他被迫将所有的
这些感情和情绪隐藏起来，
这些感情和情绪隐藏起来，
04:53
And so he was forced to push
all those feelings underground,
all those feelings underground,
88
281023
3164
以至于最终它们都被转移了。
04:56
and they eventually metastasized.
89
284211
2889
这些压抑的情绪后来
变成了他内心深处的人影，
变成了他内心深处的人影，
04:59
Those suppressed feelings
later became Shadowman,
later became Shadowman,
90
287124
4171
使他失控了，
05:03
and he was out of control,
91
291319
1644
最后他把那些激动情绪
都发泄在了我的身上。
都发泄在了我的身上。
05:04
and he eventually unleashed
his torrent on me.
his torrent on me.
92
292987
3562
第三步，就是你需要敞开心扉，
05:10
The third step is you have
to open your heart
to open your heart
93
298215
4000
对你的受害者在被你虐待时
所承受的痛苦感同身受。
所承受的痛苦感同身受。
05:14
and feel what your victim felt
as you were abusing her.
as you were abusing her.
94
302239
4024
你必须让自己感到撕心裂肺。
05:19
You have to let your heart break.
95
307072
1960
你必须让自己感到恐惧、背叛，
05:21
You have to feel the horror and betrayal
96
309056
2148
以及你的虐待行为
对受害者造成的长期影响。
对受害者造成的长期影响。
05:23
and the long-term impacts
of your abuse on your victim.
of your abuse on your victim.
97
311228
4042
你必须与自己招致的煎熬共处。
05:27
You have to sit with the suffering
you have caused.
you have caused.
98
315883
3284
当然，第四步，
05:31
And, of course, the fourth step
99
319729
1644
就是承担你过去行为的责任，
05:33
is taking responsibility
for what you have done
for what you have done
100
321397
3197
并改正。
05:36
and making amends.
101
324618
1911
为什么有人会想经历这样一个
磨人且屈辱的过程？
磨人且屈辱的过程？
05:38
So, why would anyone want to go through
such a grueling and humbling process?
such a grueling and humbling process?
102
326977
5497
为什么你想要揭开自己的旧痂？
05:44
Why would you want to rip yourself open?
103
332982
2739
因为这是唯一
一个你能解放自己的方法。
一个你能解放自己的方法。
05:48
Because it is the only thing
that will set yourself free.
that will set yourself free.
104
336636
4193
这是唯一一个
你能解放你的受害者的方法。
你能解放你的受害者的方法。
05:52
It is the only thing
that will set your victim free.
that will set your victim free.
105
340853
3687
你不仅只是摧毁了你的受害者，
05:56
You didn't just destroy your victim.
106
344564
2820
你也摧毁了自己。
05:59
You destroyed yourself.
107
347408
2047
没有人能对自己施于他人的
暴力行为的影响无动于衷，
暴力行为的影响无动于衷，
06:01
There is no one who enacts
violence on another person
violence on another person
108
349479
4127
他们因自己的行为饱受折磨。
06:05
who doesn't suffer
from the effects themselves.
from the effects themselves.
109
353630
2865
这能在你的整个余生中，
06:09
It creates an incredibly dark
and contaminating spirit,
and contaminating spirit,
110
357348
6640
创造出一个令人难以置信的
黑暗且被玷污的灵魂。
黑暗且被玷污的灵魂。
06:16
and it spreads
throughout your entire life.
throughout your entire life.
111
364012
2399
我写下的道歉——
我从中学会了一件事：
我从中学会了一件事：
06:19
The apology I wrote -- I learned something
112
367962
2770
我们需要从不同角度
06:22
about a different lens
we have to look through
we have to look through
113
370756
2400
来了解男性的暴力问题，
06:25
to understand the problem
of men's violence
of men's violence
114
373180
3023
这个曾一直困扰
我与其他十亿女性的问题。
我与其他十亿女性的问题。
06:28
that I and one billion
other women have survived.
other women have survived.
115
376227
3894
我们总是首先寻求惩罚。
06:32
We often turn to punishment first.
116
380438
2162
这是我们的本能直觉，
06:35
It's our first instinct, but actually,
117
383576
2424
但实际上，尽管有时
惩罚本身是有效的，
惩罚本身是有效的，
06:38
although punishment
sometimes is effective,
sometimes is effective,
118
386024
4416
但仅靠它，还远远不够。
06:42
on its own, it is not enough.
119
390464
2250
我的父亲惩罚了我。
06:44
My father punished me.
120
392738
1547
我变得渺小无力，
06:46
I was shut down,
121
394849
1227
06:48
and I was broken.
122
396100
1951
我变得支离破碎。
我认为惩罚只会让我们
变得更加强硬，而非反思教育。
变得更加强硬，而非反思教育。
06:50
I think punishment hardens us,
but it doesn't teach us.
but it doesn't teach us.
123
398587
3555
羞辱某人并没有任何启发性作用。
06:54
Humiliation is not revelation.
124
402166
2438
我们实际上需要建立一个
可能包含但不仅局限于惩罚的流程。
可能包含但不仅局限于惩罚的流程。
06:57
We actually need to create a process
that may involve punishment,
that may involve punishment,
125
405334
4856
我们可以为那些施暴者
打开一扇门，
打开一扇门，
07:02
whereby we open a doorway
126
410214
2315
给他们一个机会去改过自新。
07:04
where men can actually become
something and someone else.
something and someone else.
127
412553
4740
07:09
For so many years, I hated my father.
128
417847
2385
那么多年来，我一直痛恨我的父亲。
我想他死，我想要他进监狱。
07:12
I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.
129
420256
2978
但其实这一愤怒情绪
一直让我父亲的故事与我牵绊在一起。
一直让我父亲的故事与我牵绊在一起。
07:15
But actually, that rage kept me
connected to my father's story.
connected to my father's story.
130
423258
3827
我真正想要的
不只是阻止我父亲的行为，
不只是阻止我父亲的行为，
07:20
What I really wanted
wasn't just for my father to be stopped.
wasn't just for my father to be stopped.
131
428086
4571
而是他本身的改变。
07:24
I wanted him to change.
132
432681
1572
我希望他能道歉。
07:26
I wanted him to apologize.
133
434277
1880
这是我想要的。
07:28
That's what we want.
134
436181
1334
我们不想要施暴者们被摧毁，
07:29
We don't want men to be destroyed,
135
437871
2301
我们不想要施暴者们仅仅被惩罚。
07:32
we don't want them to only be punished.
136
440196
2754
我们想让他们正视我们，
我们这些他们曾经伤害的受害者们，
我们这些他们曾经伤害的受害者们，
07:34
We want them to see us,
the victims that they have harmed,
the victims that they have harmed,
137
442974
4658
我们也想让他们感到悔恨，
07:39
and we want them to repent
138
447656
1995
07:41
and change.
139
449675
1445
并且做出改变。
07:43
And I actually believe this is possible.
140
451425
2024
我相信这是可能的，
我也相信这是我们前行的道路。
07:46
And I really believe it's our way forward.
141
454474
2814
但我们需要男人加入我们。
07:49
But we need men to join us.
142
457928
2849
我们需要男人鼓起勇气，
成为这一转变的一部分。
成为这一转变的一部分。
07:53
We need men now to be brave
and be part of this transformation.
and be part of this transformation.
143
461354
5275
我用了大半生致力于
揭发男人们的恶行。
揭发男人们的恶行。
07:59
I have spent most of my life
calling men out,
calling men out,
144
467677
3699
今天，我站在这里，
08:04
and I am here now,
145
472344
1726
就在此时此刻，
08:07
right now,
146
475336
1191
我想邀请你们加入我。
08:09
to call you in.
147
477049
2468
谢谢。
08:13
Thank you.
148
481104
1152
（掌声）
08:14
(Applause)
149
482280
2410
谢谢。
08:16
Thank you.
150
484714
1151
（掌声）
08:17
(Applause)
151
485889
1016
谢谢，谢谢。
08:18
Thank you, thank you.
152
486929
1269
（掌声）
08:20
(Applause)
153
488222
2095
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activistEve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere.
Why you should listen
Inspired by intimate conversations with friends, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues. The play recounts tender, funny, gripping and horrifying stories she gathered from hundreds of women about their bodies, their sexual experiences, and yes, their vaginas. Since its first staging in 1996, it has been translated into more than 45 languages, performed in more than 120 countries and re-created as an HBO film.
The Vagina Monologues' success allowed Ensler to create V-Day, a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls, which has so far raised $85 million to prevent violence and protect abused women. In February 2011, Ensler received the Isabelle Stephenson Tony Award for her philanthropic work. Ensler has also drawn praise for The Good Body, a play that cuts to women's obsession with their appearance, and her film What I Want My Words to Do to You, which portrays a writing group she leads at a correctional facility for women. Today, she continues to find new projects and push the envelope. Her latest play, I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World, hit the New York Times bestseller list and just wrapped a workshop production in Johannesburg -- nest stop is Paris and then Berkeley in June 2012.
Eve Ensler | Speaker | TED.com