TED2019
Katie Hood: The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
Katie Hood: La diferència entre l'amor sa i l'amor poc sa
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En una xerrada sobre com entendre i practicar les relacions sanes, Katie Hood ens explica els cinc trets que indiquen que esteu en una relació poc sana, amb una parella romàntica, un amic o un familiar, i comparteix allò que podeu fer en el dia a dia per estimar amb respecte, tendresa i alegria. "Si bé l'amor és un instint i una emoció, la capacitat d'estimar és una abilitat que podem millorar i perfeccionar amb el temps", diu la Katie.
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionary
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
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Quan pensem en un fill, un amic
o una parella romàntica
o una parella romàntica
00:17
the word "love" probably comes to mind,
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ens ve al cap la paraula "amor",
00:20
and instantly other emotions rush in:
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i tot un seguit d'emocions:
00:23
joy and hope,
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felicitat i esperança,
00:25
excitement, trust and security,
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il·lusió, confiança i seguretat,
00:28
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.
sadness and disappointment.
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i també de vegades tristor i decepció.
00:31
There might not be
a word in the dictionary
a word in the dictionary
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Potser no hi ha al diccionari
una paraula
una paraula
00:33
that more of us
are connected to than love.
are connected to than love.
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amb la qual connectem més
que amb "amor".
que amb "amor".
00:37
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,
importance in our lives,
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Tot i la centralitat que té
a les nostres vides,
a les nostres vides,
00:39
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?
explicitly taught how to love?
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no és curiós que mai
no ens hagin ensenyat a estimar?
no ens hagin ensenyat a estimar?
00:44
We build friendships,
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Fem amistats,
00:46
navigate early romantic relationships,
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gestionem els inicis
de relacions romàntiques,
de relacions romàntiques,
00:48
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital
home from the hospital
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ens casem i tornem de l'hospital
amb criatures,
amb criatures,
00:51
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.
that we'll figure it out.
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esperant saber com fer-ho.
00:54
But the truth is, we often
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
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Però en realitat, sovint fem mal
i no respectem els qui ens estimem.
i no respectem els qui ens estimem.
00:58
It can be subtle things
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Poden ser coses petites
00:59
like guilting a friend
into spending time with you
into spending time with you
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com culpar un amic
si no passa temps amb nosaltres,
si no passa temps amb nosaltres,
01:02
or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
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o fer una ullada als missatges de text
de la parella,
de la parella,
01:06
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.
for their lack of effort at school.
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o avergonyir un fill
perquè no estudia.
perquè no estudia.
01:10
100 percent of us
will be on the receiving end
will be on the receiving end
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El 100% de nosaltres,
acabarà patint
acabarà patint
01:12
of unhealthy relationship behaviors
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conductes poc sanes en la relació.
01:14
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.
will do unhealthy things.
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I el 100% de nosaltres
tindrà conductes poc sanes.
tindrà conductes poc sanes.
01:17
It's part of being human.
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És part de ser humà.
01:20
In its worst form,
the harm we inflict on loved ones
the harm we inflict on loved ones
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En el pitjor del casos,
el mal que fem als qui estimem
el mal que fem als qui estimem
01:23
shows up as abuse and violence,
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es manifesta en abusos i violència,
01:25
and relationship abuse
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i els abusos dins d'una relació
01:27
is something that one in three women
and one in four men
and one in four men
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els pateixen una de cada tres dones
i un de cada quatre homes
i un de cada quatre homes
01:30
will experience in their lifetime.
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al llarg de les seves vides.
01:32
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,
when you hear those stats,
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La majoria, quan sent
aquestes estadístiques,
aquestes estadístiques,
01:35
you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,
that would never happen to me."
that would never happen to me."
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diu: "No, no, no, a mi això
no em passaria pas".
no em passaria pas".
01:38
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
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És instintiu rebutjar les paraules
"abús" i "violència",
"abús" i "violència",
01:41
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.
to someone else somewhere else.
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pensar que això els hi passa als altres,
en un altre lloc.
en un altre lloc.
01:45
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.
and abuse are all around us.
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Però la veritat és que les relacions
poc sanes i els abusos són pertot arreu.
poc sanes i els abusos són pertot arreu.
01:50
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.
and ignore the connection.
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Diem que són altres coses
i ignorem la connexió.
i ignorem la connexió.
01:54
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.
disguised in unhealthy love.
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L'abús ens el trobem amagat
en l'amor poc sa.
en l'amor poc sa.
01:59
I work for an organization called One Love
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Treballo per a l'organització One Love.
02:01
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
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La filla de la família que la va crear
va ser assassinada per l'ex-xicot.
va ser assassinada per l'ex-xicot.
02:06
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
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Una tragèdia que ningú no s'esperava,
02:09
but when they looked back,
they realized the warning signs were there
they realized the warning signs were there
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però mirant enrere, s'adonaren
que hi va haver senyals d'alarma
que hi va haver senyals d'alarma
02:13
just no one understood
what they were seeing.
what they were seeing.
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i que ningú no havia entès que ho eren.
02:16
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,
or too much drinking,
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En diuen bogeria, dramatisme
o excés de beguda.
o excés de beguda.
02:19
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,
to be what they really were,
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Les accions d'ell no les van entendre
pel que realment eren:
pel que realment eren:
02:23
which was clear signs of danger.
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senyals d'alarma claríssimes.
02:25
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,
had been educated about these signs,
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La família es va adonar que
si els haguessin educat per detectar-les,
si els haguessin educat per detectar-les,
02:29
her death could have been prevented.
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s'hagués pogut prevenir la seva mort.
02:32
So today we're on a mission to make sure
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Avui la nostra missió és assegurar-nos
02:34
that others have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
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que tothom té la informació
que Yeardley i els seus amics no tenien.
que Yeardley i els seus amics no tenien.
02:37
We have three main goals:
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Tenim tres objectius:
02:39
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject
for talking about a subject
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acordar un llenguatge
per parlar d'un tema
per parlar d'un tema
02:42
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;
and uncomfortable to discuss;
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que és difícil i incòmode de tractar.
02:46
empower a whole front line,
namely friends, to help;
namely friends, to help;
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Apoderar la primera línia, és a dir,
els amics, perquè ajudin.
els amics, perquè ajudin.
02:51
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.
all of our ability to love better.
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I, en el procés, millorar
la nostra capacitat per estimar millor.
la nostra capacitat per estimar millor.
02:55
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating
to start by illuminating
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Per fer això, cal començar per il·luminar
02:59
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,
that we frequently miss,
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els indicis de conductes poc sanes
que sovint no veiem.
que sovint no veiem.
03:01
and our work really focuses
on creating content
on creating content
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La nostra feina es centra
en crear contingut
en crear contingut
03:04
to start conversations with young people.
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per poder parlar amb la gent jove.
03:07
As you'd expect, most of our content
is pretty serious,
is pretty serious,
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Com us podeu imaginar,
el contingut sol ser força seriós
el contingut sol ser força seriós
03:10
given the subject at hand,
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donat la temàtica,
03:11
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted
one of our more light-hearted
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però avui faré servir
un dels materials més entretinguts
un dels materials més entretinguts
03:14
yet still thought-provoking pieces,
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i tot i així provocadors:
03:16
"The Couplets,"
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"Les parelletes",
03:17
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.
of unhealthy love.
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per tal d'il·luminar cinc trets
de l'amor poc sa.
de l'amor poc sa.
03:21
The first is intensity.
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El primer és la intensitat.
(Vídeo) Blau: Fa dos dies que no et veia.
T'he enyorat.
T'he enyorat.
03:24
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you
in a couple days. I've missed you.
in a couple days. I've missed you.
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Taronja: Jo també t'he enyorat.
(#ésamor)
(#ésamor)
03:27
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
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03:29
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.
It feels like a lifetime.
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Blau: Fa cinc minuts que no et veig.
Sembla tota una vida.
Sembla tota una vida.
03:32
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?
without me for five whole minutes?
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Què has fet sense mi aquests cinc minuts?
Taronja: Només fa tres minuts (#noésamor)
03:35
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)
(#thatsnotlove)
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03:38
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.
I don't know. I do.
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Us sona? No sé, a mi sí.
03:42
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.
don't start out abusive.
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Les relacions abusives
no comencen sent així.
no comencen sent així.
03:44
They start out exciting and exhilarating.
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Comencen sent emocionants i apassionants.
03:46
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion, a rush.
of affection and emotion, a rush.
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Hi ha una intensitat en l'afecte
i l'emoció, hi ha pressa.
i l'emoció, hi ha pressa.
03:49
It feels really good.
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Ens sentim molt bé.
03:51
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.
like you've hit the jackpot.
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Ens sentim afortunats
com si ens toqués la loteria.
com si ens toqués la loteria.
03:54
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time
these feelings shift over time
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Però en l'amor poc sa,
aquests sentiments canvien amb el temps
aquests sentiments canvien amb el temps
03:57
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
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d'emocionants a aclaparadors,
potser fins i tot asfixiants.
potser fins i tot asfixiants.
04:02
You feel it in your gut.
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Ho notes a la panxa.
04:04
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend
new boyfriend or girlfriend
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Potser quan el nou xicot o xicota
04:06
says "I love you"
faster than you were ready for
faster than you were ready for
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diu que t'estima abans del que t'esperaves
04:09
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.
texting and calling a lot.
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o et segueix pertot arreu,
et truca massa o t'envia missatges.
et truca massa o t'envia missatges.
04:13
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,
when you're slow to respond,
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Potser s'impacienta
quan no contestes de seguida,
quan no contestes de seguida,
04:16
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.
you had other things going on that day.
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tot i que sap
que tens altres coses a fer.
que tens altres coses a fer.
04:20
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,
how a relationship starts that matters,
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Cal recordar que no és
com comença la relació el que importa,
com comença la relació el que importa,
04:24
it's how it evolves.
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sinó com es desenvolupa.
04:25
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship
of a new relationship
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En els primers dies d'una relació
04:28
to pay attention to how you're feeling.
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cal parar atenció a com ens sentim.
04:30
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?
with the pace of intimacy?
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La part íntima va massa ràpid?
04:33
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?
and room to breathe?
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Trobem que tenim espai per respirar?
04:36
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice
to start practicing using your voice
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Cal practicar aviat l'ús de la nostra veu
04:40
to talk about your own needs.
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per expressar les nostres necessitats.
04:42
Are your requests respected?
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Es respecta allò que volem?
04:45
A second marker is isolation.
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El segon tret és l'aïllament.
(Vídeo) Taronja 2: Vols quedar?
04:49
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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Taronja 1: És que nosaltres sempre fem
"Dilluns junts". (#ésamor)
"Dilluns junts". (#ésamor)
04:51
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
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04:54
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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Taronja 2: Vols quedar?
04:55
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
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Taronja 1: És que fem "Dilluns junts".
T2: I demà?
T1: És el "Dimarts estem plegats".
T1: És el "Dimarts estem plegats".
04:58
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
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T2: I dimecres?
T1: És el "Dia sense amics". (#noésamor).
T1: És el "Dia sense amics". (#noésamor).
05:01
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
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05:04
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed
is one of the most frequently missed
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Jo crec que l'aïllament
és el tret de les relacions poc sanes
és el tret de les relacions poc sanes
05:07
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
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que més sovint s'ignora o no s'entén.
05:10
Why?
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Per què?
05:11
Because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire
starts out with this intense desire
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Perquè totes les relacions comencen
amb un desig intens
amb un desig intens
05:14
to spend time together,
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d'estar junts.
05:16
it's easy to miss when something shifts.
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És fàcil no veure quan les coses canvien.
05:19
Isolation creeps in
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
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L'aïllament comença a poc a poc
quan el xicot o la xicota
quan el xicot o la xicota
05:21
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,
from your friends and family,
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ens aparta dels amics i de la família,
05:24
your support system,
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el nostre suport,
05:26
and tethering you more tightly to them.
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i ens va lligant més a ell o a ella.
05:29
They might say things like,
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Diuent coses com:
05:30
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"
They're such losers"
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"Per què quedes amb ells? Són uns pesats."
dels teus millors amics, o:
05:33
about your best friends,
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05:34
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"
They're totally against us"
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"Ens volen fer tallar.
Estan en contra nostra."
Estan en contra nostra."
05:37
about your family.
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de la família.
05:39
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
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L'aïllament és plantar llavors de dubte
05:41
about everyone from
your prerelationship life.
your prerelationship life.
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sobre la gent que hi havia
a la teva vida abans de la relació.
a la teva vida abans de la relació.
05:46
Healthy love includes independence,
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L'amor sa inclou la independència,
05:48
two people who love spending time together
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dues persones que gaudeixen estant juntes
05:50
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.
and activities they cared about before.
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però segueixen connectades a les persones
i activitats que s'estimaven abans.
i activitats que s'estimaven abans.
05:54
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,
every waking minute together,
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Potser al principi voleu estar junts
cada minut del dia,
cada minut del dia,
05:57
over time maintaining independence is key.
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però a la llarga, mantenir la indepedència
és fonamental.
és fonamental.
06:00
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them
and sticking to them
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Cal fer plans amb els amics i complir-los
06:03
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.
to do the same.
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i animar a la parella a fer el mateix.
06:07
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.
is extreme jealousy.
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Un tercer tret de l'amor poc sa
és la gelosia extrema.
és la gelosia extrema.
(Vídeo) Blau 2: Què fas tan feliç?
06:11
(Video) Blue 2:
What are you so happy about?
What are you so happy about?
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Blau 1: M'ha començat a seguir
a Instagram! (#ésamor)
a Instagram! (#ésamor)
06:13
Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!
following me on Instagram!
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06:16
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
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Blau 2: Per què estàs tan nerviós?
06:18
Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.
following me, like, everywhere.
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Blau 1: M'ha, m'ha començat a seguir...
pertot arreu.
pertot arreu.
(#noésamor)
06:22
(#thatsnotlove)
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06:26
KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,
begins to fade,
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Quan s'acaba la lluna de mel
06:28
extreme jealousy can creep in.
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pot començar la gelosia extrema.
06:31
Your partner might become more demanding,
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La parella es pot tornar més exigent,
06:33
needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,
and who you're with all the time,
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vol saber on ets i amb qui en tot moment,
06:36
or they might start following you
everywhere, online and off.
everywhere, online and off.
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o et comença a seguir pertot arreu,
inclús per internet.
inclús per internet.
06:39
Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,
possessiveness and mistrust,
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La gelosia extrema torna a la persona
possessiva i desconfiada,
possessiva i desconfiada,
06:43
frequent accusations
of flirting with other people or cheating,
of flirting with other people or cheating,
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ens acusa de flirtejar amb altres
o d'infidelitat
o d'infidelitat
06:47
and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them
when you tell them
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i es nega a escoltar-nos si li diem
06:49
they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.
and that you only love them.
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que no cal que pateixi, que l'estimem.
06:53
Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,
of any human relationship,
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La gelosia és part
de les relacions humanes,
de les relacions humanes,
06:55
but extreme jealousy is different.
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però la gelosia extrema és diferent.
06:58
There's a threatening, desperate
and angry edge to it.
and angry edge to it.
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Té un punt compulsiu, desesperat
i enrabiat.
i enrabiat.
07:00
Love shouldn't feel like this.
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L'amor no ha de ser així.
07:04
A fourth marker is belittling.
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El quart tret és el menyspreu.
07:06
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
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(Vídeo) Blau: Vols quedar?
Taronja: He d'estudiar.
Taronja: He d'estudiar.
Blau: Però si treuràs un excel·lent,
tu ets excel·lent. (#ésamor)
tu ets excel·lent. (#ésamor)
07:09
Blue: You'll get an A anyway,
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
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07:12
Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
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Blau: Vols quedar?
Taronja: He d'estudiar.
Taronja: He d'estudiar.
07:15
Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
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Blau: Si suspendràs igual,
07:16
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
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suspendràs perquè... ets inútil.
(#noésamor)
(#noésamor)
07:20
KH: Yeah, hmm.
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Ja...
07:22
In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.
words are used as weapons.
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Una relació poc sana fa servir
les paraules com armes.
les paraules com armes.
07:25
Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted
fun and lighthearted
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Converses que abans eren
divertides i fàcils
divertides i fàcils
07:27
turn mean and embarrassing.
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es tornen mesquines i humiliants.
07:29
Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,
in a way that hurts,
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Potser la parella
es riu de nosaltres i ens fa mal,
es riu de nosaltres i ens fa mal,
07:32
or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.
for laughs at your expense.
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o potser explica anècdotes o acudits
a costa nostra.
a costa nostra.
07:35
When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,
that your feelings have been hurt,
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Quan intentem explicar
que ens hem sentit dolguts,
que ens hem sentit dolguts,
07:38
they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.
and accuse you of overreacting.
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no ens escolta o ens acusa d'exagerar.
07:41
"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."
What's your problem. Give me a break."
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"Mira que ets sensible! Què et passa?
No n'hi ha per tant."
No n'hi ha per tant."
07:46
You are silenced by these words.
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Ens fa callar amb aquestes paraules.
07:49
It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.
but your partner should have your back.
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Sembla evident, però la nostra parella
ens hauria de fer costat.
ens hauria de fer costat.
07:52
Their words should build you up,
not break you down.
not break you down.
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Les seves paraules ens haurien d'ajudar,
no ensorrar.
no ensorrar.
07:55
They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.
your secrets and be loyal.
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Ser lleïal i no explicar
els nostres secrets.
els nostres secrets.
07:57
They should make you feel more confident,
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Ens hauria de fer sentit més segurs,
07:59
not less.
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no menys.
08:02
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
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Per acabar, l'últim tret: la volatilitat.
(Vídeo) Taronja 1: Em sabria greu tallar.
08:06
(Video) Orange 1:
I'd be sad if we broke up.
I'd be sad if we broke up.
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Taronja 2: A mi també (#ésamor).
08:08
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
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08:11
Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.
if we ever broke up.
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Taronja 1: Si tallèssim
estaria tan deprimida
estaria tan deprimida
08:13
I'd throw myself off this step.
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que em tiraria d'aquest pedrís.
08:14
I would! Don't try to stop me!
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Ho faria! No intentis aturar-me!
08:17
(#thatsnotlove)
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(#noésamor).
08:21
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,
high highs and low lows:
high highs and low lows:
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Tallar i tornar-hi sovint,
alts i baixos extrems:
alts i baixos extrems:
08:24
as tension rises, so does volatility.
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com més tensió, més volàtil.
08:28
Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,
followed by emotional makeups,
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Llàgrimes i baralles frustrants,
seguides d'emotives reconciliacions,
seguides d'emotives reconciliacions,
08:32
hateful and hurtful comments like,
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comentaris plens d'odi com:
08:33
"You're worthless,
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
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"No vals res,
no sé per què estic amb tu!"
no sé per què estic amb tu!"
08:36
followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.
and promises it will never happen again.
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seguits ràpidament de disculpes
i promeses de que no tornarà a passar.
i promeses de que no tornarà a passar.
08:41
By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship roller coaster
to this relationship roller coaster
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Ja t'has acostumat tant
a la muntanya russa que és la relació
a la muntanya russa que és la relació
08:45
that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous
and maybe even dangerous
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que potser ni t'adones que no és sana
i que pot ser una relació
i que pot ser una relació
08:48
your relationship has become.
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fins i tot perillosa.
08:51
It can be really hard to see
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Costa veure quan l'amor poc sa
08:53
when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
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s'ha convertit en abús,
08:56
but it's fair to say
that the more of these markers
that the more of these markers
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però sí s'ha de dir que
quants més d'aquests trets
quants més d'aquests trets
08:58
your relationship might have,
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hi ha a la teva relació,
08:59
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.
your relationship could be.
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més probable és que sigui
poc sana i fins i tot perillosa.
poc sana i fins i tot perillosa.
09:03
And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,
to break up and leave,
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I si el teu instint és tallar i marxar,
09:05
which is advice
so many of us give our friends
so many of us give our friends
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que és el que aconsellem als amics
09:07
when they're in unhealthy relationships,
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que estan en relacions poc sanes,
09:09
that's not always the best advice.
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això no sempre és el millor consell.
09:11
Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.
a real trigger for violence.
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El moment d'acabar la relació
pot generar violència.
pot generar violència.
09:14
If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
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Si creus que estàs en una relació abusiva
o que ho pot acabar sent,
o que ho pot acabar sent,
09:17
you need to consult with experts
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
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més val consultar un professional
que t'aconselli com marxar sense perill.
que t'aconselli com marxar sense perill.
09:23
But it's not just
about romantic relationships
about romantic relationships
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Però no tot són relacions romàntiques,
09:25
and it's not just about violence.
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i no tot és qüestió de violència.
09:27
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
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Entendre els senyals d'un amor poc sa
09:29
can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.
nearly every relationship in your life.
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ens pot ajudar a entendre
gairebé totes les nostres relacions.
gairebé totes les nostres relacions.
09:34
For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship
why you're disappointed in a friendship
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Ens pot fer entendre per què
ens deceb una amistat
ens deceb una amistat
09:38
or why every interaction
with a certain family member
with a certain family member
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o per què les interaccions
amb un cert familiar
amb un cert familiar
09:41
leaves you discouraged and anxious.
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ens deixen sempre nerviosos i desanimats.
09:44
You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy
how your own intensity and jealousy
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Potser ens fa veure com
la nostra intensitat o gelosia
la nostra intensitat o gelosia
09:47
is causing problems
with colleagues at work.
with colleagues at work.
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ens porta problemes
amb els companys de feina.
amb els companys de feina.
09:51
Understanding is
the first step to improving,
the first step to improving,
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El primer pas per millorar és entendre-ho,
09:54
and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
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i tot i que no podem millorar
totes les relacions poc sanes,
totes les relacions poc sanes,
09:57
some you're going
to have to leave behind --
to have to leave behind --
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algunes les haurem d'abandonar,
09:59
you can do your part every day
to do relationships better.
to do relationships better.
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podem treballar cada dia per millorar
les nostres relacions.
les nostres relacions.
10:04
And here's the exciting news:
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I ara les bones notícies:
10:05
it's actually not rocket science.
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no cal ser un Einstein.
10:08
Open communication, mutual respect,
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Comunicació oberta, respecte mutu,
10:11
kindness, patience --
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amabilitat, paciència...
10:13
we can practice these things every day.
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es poden practicar cada dia.
10:16
And while practice
will definitely make you better,
will definitely make you better,
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I si la pràctica ajuda,
10:19
I have to promise you
it's also not going to make you perfect.
it's also not going to make you perfect.
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us prometo que no us farà perfectes.
10:23
I do this for a living
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Jo em dedico a això
10:24
and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,
about healthy relationships,
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i cada dia penso i parlo
sobre les relacions sanes,
sobre les relacions sanes,
10:27
and still I do unhealthy things.
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i tot i així faig coses que no ho són.
10:30
Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door
to shuttle my four kids out the door
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L'altre dia havíem de sortir de casa
amb els meus quatre fills
amb els meus quatre fills
10:33
amidst quarreling, squabbling
and complaints about breakfast,
and complaints about breakfast,
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i entre baralles, discussions
i queixes sobre l'esmorzar,
i queixes sobre l'esmorzar,
10:36
I completely lost it.
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vaig perdre la paciència.
10:38
With an intentionally angry edge,
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Molt enfadada,
10:40
I screamed,
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vaig cridar:
"Calleu i feu el que us dic!
10:42
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
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10:44
You are the worst!
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Sou el pitjor que hi ha!
10:46
I am going to take away
screen time and dessert
screen time and dessert
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S'han acabat les pantalles,
les postres
les postres
10:48
and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"
ever enjoy in life!"
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i tot el que us pugui
fer gaudir de la vida!".
fer gaudir de la vida!".
10:51
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
10:53
Anybody been there?
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Us ho sabeu, no?
10:54
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
10:57
Volatility, belittling.
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Volatilitat, menyspreu.
11:01
My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,
and looked at me, and said,
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El meu fill gran es va girar,
em va mirar i va dir:
em va mirar i va dir:
11:04
"Mom, that's not love."
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"Mama, això no és amor".
11:06
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
11:09
For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.
to kill him for calling me out.
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Per un moment,
el volia escanyar per renyar-me.
el volia escanyar per renyar-me.
11:12
Trust me.
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Us ho prometo.
11:13
But then I gathered myself
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Però després vaig reaccionar
11:15
and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.
I'm actually proud.
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i vaig pensar:
"Saps què? N'estic molt orgullosa".
"Saps què? N'estic molt orgullosa".
11:18
I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.
to make me pause.
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Orgullosa que tinguin les paraules
per aturar-me.
per aturar-me.
11:22
I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be
what the bar should be
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Vull que els meus fills entenguin
11:25
for how they're treated
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com els han de tractar,
11:26
and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met
to use when that bar is not met
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i que tinguin paraules i veu
per demanar-ho si no és així,
per demanar-ho si no és així,
11:29
versus just accepting it.
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en comptes d'acceptar-ho.
11:33
For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,
relationships as a soft topic,
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Fa massa temps que pensem
que les relacions són un tema fàcil,
que les relacions són un tema fàcil,
11:38
when relationship skills
are one of the most important
are one of the most important
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quan en realitat són una de les coses
més importants
més importants
11:41
and hard to build things in life.
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i difícils de les nostres vides.
11:43
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
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Entendre els senyals de l'amor poc sa
11:46
help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,
that leads to unhealthy love,
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ens ajudarà a evitar els forats negres
que ens xuclen cap a l'amor poc sa.
que ens xuclen cap a l'amor poc sa.
11:49
but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy
the art of being healthy
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Entendre i practicar l'art
de les relacions sanes
de les relacions sanes
11:52
can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.
every aspect of your life.
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pot millorar gairebé tots els aspectes
de la nostra vida.
de la nostra vida.
11:56
I'm completely convinced
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Estic convençuda
11:58
that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,
an instinct and an emotion,
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que si bé l'amor és un instint
i una emoció,
i una emoció,
12:01
the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build
is a skill we can all build
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la capacitat d'estimar millor és
una habilitat que tots podem millorar
una habilitat que tots podem millorar
i perfeccionar amb el temps.
12:04
and improve on over time.
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Gràcies.
12:06
Thank you.
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12:07
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionaryBy educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation.
Why you should listen
As CEO of the One Love Foundation, Katie believes that healthy relationship education is a "simple but shockingly nontraditional solution that can impact millions and drive meaningful change. The problem is hard, but the impact of a scalable prevention approach that talks to young people in a language they can hear at the earliest stages of their dating lives could be massive."
Katie Hood | Speaker | TED.com