TEDxMidAtlantic
Glen Henry: What I've learned about parenting as a stay-at-home dad
Filmed:
Readability: 2.6
1,269,855 views
Glen Henry got his superpowers through fatherhood. After leaving behind a job he hated and a manager he didn't get along with, he went to work for an equally demanding boss: his kids. He shares how he went from thinking he knew it all about being a stay-at-home parent to realizing he knew nothing at all -- and how he's now documenting what he's learned.
Glen Henry - Visual storyteller
Glen "Beleaf" Henry is a father documenting all the mistakes and joys of parenting. Full bio
Glen "Beleaf" Henry is a father documenting all the mistakes and joys of parenting. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
Alright, I want to tell you how I got
my superpowers through fatherhood.
my superpowers through fatherhood.
0
1103
4383
00:18
I was working a job I hated, OK?
1
6833
1974
00:20
And I don't know if anyone here
ever worked a job they hated.
ever worked a job they hated.
2
8831
2882
00:23
Has anyone here
ever worked a job they hated?
ever worked a job they hated?
3
11737
2103
00:25
(Laughter)
4
13864
1001
00:26
OK, good, because I'm not alone
5
14889
1696
00:28
and I have something to confess;
I don't want you guys to judge me.
I don't want you guys to judge me.
6
16609
3143
00:31
This feels like a safe space,
is it a safe space?
is it a safe space?
7
19776
2357
00:34
Audience: Yes.
8
22157
1158
00:35
Glen Henry: OK, I was working
the job I hated,
the job I hated,
9
23339
2166
00:37
my manager and I were not getting along.
10
25529
1922
00:39
I was sitting in my car,
looking in the rearview mirror,
looking in the rearview mirror,
11
27475
2668
00:42
trying to figure out
which friend I could call
which friend I could call
12
30167
3545
00:45
to call in a bomb threat,
13
33736
1199
00:46
so I didn't have to go
back in the building.
back in the building.
14
34959
2063
00:49
(Laughter)
15
37046
1001
00:50
OK, this was having
a lot of issues for me,
a lot of issues for me,
16
38071
2967
00:53
I was having a lot of issues at my job
17
41062
1824
00:54
and I'd come home every day from work
18
42910
1762
00:56
and my wife would ask me
the same question.
the same question.
19
44696
2515
00:59
And when you hate your job,
20
47458
1310
01:00
this is the worst question
anyone could ask you.
anyone could ask you.
21
48792
2507
01:03
She'd say, "Hey babe, how was your day?"
22
51323
2960
01:06
(Laughter)
23
54307
1738
01:08
And I'd say,
24
56069
1168
01:09
"Why you bringing up old stuff?"
25
57261
1570
01:10
(Laughter)
26
58855
1001
01:11
I just left it, I don't want
to think about that place again.
to think about that place again.
27
59880
2872
01:15
See, we were spending about
40 percent of my income on childcare.
40 percent of my income on childcare.
28
63879
3412
01:19
We had one child.
29
67315
1289
01:21
And we were pregnant
with our second child.
with our second child.
30
69354
2310
01:23
And we were trying to figure out
how we were going to fix this whole thing
how we were going to fix this whole thing
31
71688
3500
01:27
of this money situation, and she said,
32
75212
1825
01:29
"Hey, babe, I've got a great idea."
33
77061
2436
01:31
I said, "What's up?"
34
79521
1334
01:32
She said, "I think you'd be
a great stay-at-home dad."
a great stay-at-home dad."
35
80879
2603
01:35
(Laughter)
36
83506
1706
01:37
I was like, "Why would you say
something like that?"
something like that?"
37
85236
2436
01:39
(Laughter)
38
87696
1001
01:40
She said, "Because babies like you."
39
88721
2245
01:42
(Laughter)
40
90990
1508
01:44
I was like, "No, they don't."
41
92522
1389
01:45
She was like, "No, they do like you.
42
93935
1738
01:47
And I think it would be great
43
95697
1658
01:49
for our children to see what love
looks like, coming from a father."
looks like, coming from a father."
44
97379
3357
01:54
I was like, OK.
45
102143
1420
01:55
(Laughter)
46
103587
2460
01:58
So, I had issues with this,
47
106071
2556
02:00
because I haven't seen a lot
of stay-at-home dads before
of stay-at-home dads before
48
108651
2651
02:03
and I thought men would judge me,
so get this, I said this --
so get this, I said this --
49
111326
3219
02:06
please don't be offended -- I said,
50
114569
2500
02:09
"Uh, you know, that sounds boring.
51
117093
2334
02:11
And what do stay-at-home moms
do all day, anyway?"
do all day, anyway?"
52
119744
3111
02:14
Audience: Ooh!
53
122879
3238
02:18
She smiled at me a smile
only a woman full of knowledge can smile
only a woman full of knowledge can smile
54
126141
4237
02:22
(Laughter)
55
130402
1342
02:23
and said, "Well, this
should be easy for you.
should be easy for you.
56
131768
2865
02:26
And it will save us some money,
it seems like a no-brainer."
it seems like a no-brainer."
57
134657
2825
02:29
(Laughter)
58
137506
1045
02:30
Fast-forward six months,
59
138575
1629
02:32
I'd been a stay-at-home dad
for about a week.
for about a week.
60
140228
2212
02:34
(Laughter)
61
142464
1232
02:35
I was standing in my bathroom,
looking into the mirror
looking into the mirror
62
143720
3341
02:39
(Laughter)
63
147085
1571
02:40
crying, tears --
64
148680
1151
02:41
(Laughter)
65
149855
1793
02:43
running all down my face.
66
151672
1667
02:45
(Laughter)
67
153363
1568
02:47
My one-and-a-half-year-old
was banging on the bathroom door --
was banging on the bathroom door --
68
155252
3301
02:50
because I locked them out, you know --
69
158577
1855
02:52
(Laughter)
70
160456
1001
02:53
crying, tears running down his face.
71
161481
2105
02:56
And my newborn was in the bassinet,
crying, tears running down his face.
crying, tears running down his face.
72
164252
4214
03:00
I looked at myself
in the mirror, and I said ...
in the mirror, and I said ...
73
168490
3293
03:03
"Which friend can you call
to call in a bomb threat?
to call in a bomb threat?
74
171807
2495
03:06
We've got to get out of here."
75
174326
1453
03:07
(Laughter)
76
175803
2115
03:09
See, I had traded my manager
for my children.
for my children.
77
177942
3207
03:13
I didn't know what I got myself into.
78
181173
1799
03:14
I thought I knew everything
about being a stay-at-home parent,
about being a stay-at-home parent,
79
182996
3382
03:18
and in fact, I knew nothing at all.
80
186402
2066
03:21
Because even though my manager was --
81
189099
2683
03:23
well, at least my children
were a lot cuter than my manager,
were a lot cuter than my manager,
82
191806
3341
03:27
they were just as demanding.
83
195171
1937
03:29
(Video) Child: Wipe my butt.
84
197132
2683
03:31
Papa, wipe my butt.
85
199839
2238
03:34
(Laughter)
86
202101
1206
03:35
Wipe my butt.
87
203331
2778
03:38
(Laughter)
88
206133
6992
03:45
GH: What had I gotten myself into?
89
213744
2159
03:47
I thought I knew everything
about being a stay-at-home parent --
about being a stay-at-home parent --
90
215927
3000
03:50
in fact, I knew nothing.
91
218951
1199
03:52
I thought that all I had to do
was feed them,
was feed them,
92
220174
2476
03:54
change their diapers, and they'd be fine.
93
222674
2126
03:56
Like, I really thought that's it.
94
224824
2572
03:59
"Sesame Street" on TV,
keep them distracted,
keep them distracted,
95
227420
2643
04:02
apple sauce in a bowl,
milk in a bottle, they'd be fine.
milk in a bottle, they'd be fine.
96
230087
2943
04:05
But if you leave children alone,
97
233054
2151
04:07
they'll get into
just a little bit of mischief.
just a little bit of mischief.
98
235229
2389
04:09
(Video) Child: Hi.
99
237642
1820
04:12
GH: Where is the powder?
100
240951
1600
04:15
Child: I don't know.
101
243403
1682
04:17
GH: Well, where did you put it,
where did it --
where did it --
102
245109
3485
04:21
Who did it?
103
249187
1176
04:22
Child 1: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it!
104
250387
2912
04:25
Child 1: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it!
105
253323
3040
04:28
(Laughter)
106
256387
2127
04:30
GH: You know what else I thought I knew
about being a stay-at-home parent?
about being a stay-at-home parent?
107
258538
3611
04:34
I thought that all I had to do
was take them to the park once a week,
was take them to the park once a week,
108
262173
3578
04:37
because if I took them to the park
once a week, they'd be fine.
once a week, they'd be fine.
109
265775
3834
04:41
In fact, I knew nothing at all.
110
269633
1761
04:43
OK.
111
271720
1159
04:44
If you take kids to park every day
then that means they get dirty every day.
then that means they get dirty every day.
112
272903
4111
04:49
If they got dirty every day,
they need baths every day,
they need baths every day,
113
277038
2611
04:51
if they got baths every day --
114
279673
2364
04:54
I just don't think you understand, see,
having two kids under two,
having two kids under two,
115
282061
3119
04:57
you end up changing
over 20 dirty diapers a day, OK.
over 20 dirty diapers a day, OK.
116
285204
3909
05:01
And if you give them a bath,
that's just more nakedness.
that's just more nakedness.
117
289498
2976
05:04
(Laughter)
118
292498
1301
05:05
And a higher probability
of getting peed on,
of getting peed on,
119
293823
2143
05:07
and no one likes getting peed on,
even if it's from a baby.
even if it's from a baby.
120
295990
2997
05:11
(Laughter)
121
299011
1157
05:12
But I read this article by Father Lee
122
300192
2152
05:14
which cites a survey done by two
detergent companies, Omo and Persil.
detergent companies, Omo and Persil.
123
302368
4325
05:18
And they did this study and it said,
that at two hours a day,
that at two hours a day,
124
306717
2995
05:21
prisoners get more
outside time than children.
outside time than children.
125
309736
2888
05:25
That convicted me and so we went outside.
126
313362
3349
05:28
(Video) (Music)
127
316735
1150
05:38
(Laughter)
128
326465
1657
05:41
GH: See, I knew nothing
about being a stay-at-home parent,
about being a stay-at-home parent,
129
329077
2829
05:43
and once I embraced the fact
that I knew nothing,
that I knew nothing,
130
331930
2319
05:46
I began to learn from my new managers.
131
334273
1818
05:48
And I always was told
132
336115
1197
05:49
that as a stay-at-home parent,
you get no sleep.
you get no sleep.
133
337336
3842
05:53
Or as a parent in general,
you get no sleep.
you get no sleep.
134
341202
2081
05:55
But that's not true,
because if you sleep when they do,
because if you sleep when they do,
135
343307
2889
05:58
you actually can get some sleep.
136
346220
1603
05:59
(Laughter)
137
347847
1839
06:02
You know what else I thought
as a stay-at-home parent?
as a stay-at-home parent?
138
350376
2825
06:05
I though I knew that the best way
to teach kids right from wrong
to teach kids right from wrong
139
353225
3238
06:08
was to discipline them,
140
356487
1154
06:09
because that would make sure
they understood right from wrong,
they understood right from wrong,
141
357665
2936
06:12
the pain, the fear --
that would teach them.
that would teach them.
142
360625
2055
06:14
But the truth is, the best way to teach
my children right from wrong
my children right from wrong
143
362704
3675
06:18
is to teach them.
144
366403
1156
06:19
Take out a whiteboard and draw pictures
and make connections
and make connections
145
367583
2826
06:22
that they can understand.
146
370433
1461
06:23
That was the best way.
147
371918
1467
06:26
A lot of these images you're seeing
are coming from my YouTube channel,
are coming from my YouTube channel,
148
374868
3342
06:30
"Beleaf in Fatherhood."
149
378234
1183
06:31
I document the misadventures
of being a stay-at-home dad.
of being a stay-at-home dad.
150
379441
2708
06:34
And it's not perfect,
it's just showing that I'm trying.
it's just showing that I'm trying.
151
382173
3025
06:37
And I'm not trying to be an example
152
385222
1739
06:38
but just proof that it's possible
for whoever else is doing this.
for whoever else is doing this.
153
386985
3227
06:43
You know what I also knew
about being a stay-at-home parent?
about being a stay-at-home parent?
154
391204
3087
06:46
I knew that children needed love,
155
394315
1762
06:48
but I just didn't know
what love looked like.
what love looked like.
156
396101
2143
06:50
(Video) (Music)
157
398268
2779
06:57
GH: It turns out putting
diapers on your head
diapers on your head
158
405932
2174
07:00
and play-fighting
until the kids fall asleep
until the kids fall asleep
159
408130
2088
07:02
is a great way to love your kids.
160
410242
1594
07:04
So, I was learning a lot,
161
412942
2707
07:07
but it's not all fun and boogers, is it?
162
415673
1991
07:09
(Laughter)
163
417688
2001
07:11
I asked a group of stay-at-home parents
what's the hardest thing,
what's the hardest thing,
164
419713
3119
07:14
the thing they underestimated most
about being stay-at-home parents,
about being stay-at-home parents,
165
422856
3221
07:18
and they said that the loneliness
was one of those things.
was one of those things.
166
426101
2746
07:20
Not having someone else to talk to,
feeling inadequate,
feeling inadequate,
167
428871
2627
07:23
feeling selfish for wanting me-time.
168
431522
1928
07:26
And nursery rhymes suck.
169
434030
2039
07:28
(Laughter)
170
436418
1397
07:29
Like, really, "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
is cool the first couple of times,
is cool the first couple of times,
171
437839
3484
07:33
but after all these years on repeat,
172
441347
2477
07:35
you wonder why Mary
just ain't make herself a wool skirt
just ain't make herself a wool skirt
173
443848
2757
07:38
and have lamb chops,
you know what I'm saying?
you know what I'm saying?
174
446629
2232
07:40
(Laughter)
175
448885
1533
07:42
The one thing I underestimated most
was the emotional fatigue.
was the emotional fatigue.
176
450442
3095
07:45
See, I was an artist,
so I'd write songs for other artists.
so I'd write songs for other artists.
177
453561
3064
07:48
Because that's how I made money from home.
178
456649
2942
07:51
But when you're with your kids all day,
you become emotionally tired.
you become emotionally tired.
179
459615
3515
07:55
And that means all your creativity
comes from your emotions,
comes from your emotions,
180
463575
2898
07:58
so you’re just tapped out, you're done.
181
466497
1992
08:00
So you become done with time.
182
468513
3054
08:04
Nap time, time-tables, time-out,
time like to cook,
time like to cook,
183
472366
3033
08:07
with all types of time, you're just done.
184
475423
2452
08:09
You had no time for anything.
185
477899
1571
08:11
And some people are done with their spouse
as a stay-at-home parent.
as a stay-at-home parent.
186
479494
3675
08:15
Because the spouse just doesn't get it.
187
483193
2007
08:18
I was talking to a friend
of mine, he said,
of mine, he said,
188
486113
2833
08:20
"Man, I come home from work,
189
488970
2575
08:23
drawers are open, clothes
hanging outside the drawers,
hanging outside the drawers,
190
491569
3508
08:27
the kids are still in their pajamas ...
191
495101
2127
08:29
And it can't be that hard to have
dinner ready when I get home, right?"
dinner ready when I get home, right?"
192
497252
3359
08:32
(Laughter)
193
500635
1937
08:34
Start to freak out,
you know what I'm saying?
you know what I'm saying?
194
502596
2127
08:36
(Laughter)
195
504747
1436
08:38
He was trying to confide in me --
196
506207
2127
08:40
(Laughter)
197
508358
1165
08:41
I said, "You have no idea
what you're talking about."
what you're talking about."
198
509547
2477
08:44
(Laughter)
199
512048
2624
08:46
She wakes up every morning,
tired from the night before,
tired from the night before,
200
514696
2643
08:49
baby attached to her breast,
dropping this kid off at school,
dropping this kid off at school,
201
517363
2905
08:52
and taking this one to the park.
202
520292
1539
08:53
Laundry piles up to the skies,
203
521855
1477
08:55
he has a conversation on the phone
for an hour with your mom
for an hour with your mom
204
523356
2810
08:58
about God knows what,
205
526190
1182
08:59
takes the dog you wanted for a walk ...
206
527396
1983
09:01
(Laughter)
207
529403
1001
09:02
And nobody died, bro.
208
530428
2238
09:05
She kept your kids alive
all day, that's hard."
all day, that's hard."
209
533022
2707
09:07
(Laughter)
210
535753
2332
09:10
I have become an advocate
for stay-at-home parents.
for stay-at-home parents.
211
538109
3079
09:13
Why?
212
541502
1158
09:14
Because finally, I was
standing in their shoes.
standing in their shoes.
213
542684
2666
09:17
Because when you're standing
in someone else's shoes,
in someone else's shoes,
214
545898
2477
09:20
you see the world
from a different perspective.
from a different perspective.
215
548399
2267
09:22
And when you start to take steps,
it feels like baby steps, wobbling.
it feels like baby steps, wobbling.
216
550680
3583
09:26
But then they turn into stomps.
217
554633
2190
09:28
And you start making footprints
for the next generation to walk in.
for the next generation to walk in.
218
556847
3336
09:33
See, we're walking
on a certain path, as parents.
on a certain path, as parents.
219
561085
2492
09:35
We're all in this together.
220
563601
1309
09:36
No one can deny that family
is one of the biggest foundations
is one of the biggest foundations
221
564934
2906
09:39
in anyone's life.
222
567864
1158
09:41
And we're all walking on this path,
223
569046
1686
09:42
and we're pulling these thickets
out of the way, and these thorns,
out of the way, and these thorns,
224
570756
3185
09:46
making it easier for the ones
coming after us.
coming after us.
225
574346
2160
09:48
It turns out, parenting
has a lot more to do with landscaping.
has a lot more to do with landscaping.
226
576530
4031
09:53
And learning.
227
581204
1150
09:54
More than teaching.
228
582931
1200
09:58
And the best thing to do
is to show up for class.
is to show up for class.
229
586201
2595
10:01
Be present is what I learned
as a stay-at-home dad.
as a stay-at-home dad.
230
589622
3706
10:06
And let your presence be a gift.
231
594190
2158
10:08
(Video) Shh.
232
596372
1150
10:09
(Door unlocking)
233
597952
3722
10:15
Hi!
234
603306
1150
10:16
(Children giggling)
235
604792
2206
10:19
(Laughter)
236
607022
3950
10:22
GH: This was me, coming home
from tour one day.
from tour one day.
237
610996
2328
10:25
I thought that the father
was supposed to pursue the child.
was supposed to pursue the child.
238
613769
3667
10:29
But it turns out the father
makes himself present.
makes himself present.
239
617785
2889
10:33
And the children run after him.
240
621144
2261
10:35
And that right there is a superpower.
241
623429
2533
10:38
And that right there,
my friends, is everything.
my friends, is everything.
242
626683
2770
10:41
Thank you.
243
629477
1151
10:42
(Applause)
244
630652
2340
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Glen Henry - Visual storytellerGlen "Beleaf" Henry is a father documenting all the mistakes and joys of parenting.
Why you should listen
Striving to strengthen families before they start, Glen "Beleaf" Henry is giving a tangible look at the often closed off life of black families. Usually sipping toddler tears and hooking his children up to lie detector tests, his antics are hilariously heartwarming and providing value to many people that call the internet their safe space.
Glen Henry | Speaker | TED.com