TED2006
Tom Rielly: A comic sendup of TED2006
Tum Reeelly deleefers e cumeec sendoop ooff TED2006
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Setureest Tum Reeelly deleefers e veecked perudy ooff zee 2006 TED cunfference, tekeeng doon zee 00 leptup, zee pleeght ooff zee puler beer, und peuple-a vhu menshun, oone-a tuu muny teemes, tet zeey vurk et Herferd. Vetch fur e speceeel mument betveee Tum und El Gure.
Tom Rielly - Satirist
Traditionally, Tom Rielly closes the TED Conference with a merciless 18-minute monologue, skewering all the speakers with his deadpan delivery, spot-on satire and boundary-less performance (complete with PowerPoint, pratfalls and partial nudity). Full bio
Traditionally, Tom Rielly closes the TED Conference with a merciless 18-minute monologue, skewering all the speakers with his deadpan delivery, spot-on satire and boundary-less performance (complete with PowerPoint, pratfalls and partial nudity). Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:31
I just want to say, over the last few years I've been --
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I joost vunt tu sey, oofer zee lest foo yeers I'fe-a beee --
00:35
had the opportunity to do this closing conference.
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hed zee ooppurtooneety tu du tees cluseeng cunfference.
00:38
And I've had some incredible warm-up acts.
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Und I'fe-a hed sume-a incredeeble-a verm-oop ects, bork bork bork!
00:43
About eight years ago,
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Ebuoot ieeght yeers egu,
00:45
Billy Graham opened for me.
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Beelly Grehem oopened fur me.
00:47
And I thought that there was --
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Und I tuooght tet zeere-a ves --
00:49
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
00:50
I thought that there was absolutely no way
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I tuooght tet zeere-a ves ebsulootely nu vey
00:53
in hell to top that.
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in hell tu tup tet.
00:55
But I just wanted to say --
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Boot I joost vunted tu sey --
00:58
and I mean this without irony --
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und I meun tees veetuoot iruny --
01:00
I think I can speak for everybody in the audience
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I teenk I cun speek fur iferybudy in zee oodeeence-a
01:04
when I say that I wish to God that you were the President of the United States.
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vhee I sey tet I veesh tu Gud tet yuoo vere-a zee Preseedent ooff zee Uneeted Stetes.
01:08
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
01:14
OK, this is the title of my talk today.
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OoK, tees is zee teetle-a ooff my telk tudey.
01:17
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
01:21
I just want to give you a quick overview.
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I joost vunt tu geefe-a yuoo e qooeeck ooferfeeoo, bork bork bork!
01:24
First of all, please remember I'm completely politically correct,
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Furst ooff ell, pleese-a remember I'm cumpletely puleeticelly currect,
01:27
and I mean everything with great affection.
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und I meun iferyteeng veet greet effffecshun.
01:29
If any of you have sensitive stomachs or are feeling queasy,
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Iff uny ooff yuoo hefe-a senseetife-a stumechs oor ere-a feeleeng qooeesy,
01:32
now is the time to check your Blackberry.
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noo is zee teeme-a tu check yuoor Bleckberry.
01:34
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
01:36
Just to review, this is my TEDTalk.
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Joost tu refeeoo, tees is my TEDTelk.
01:40
We're going to do some jokes,
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Ve're-a gueeng tu du sume-a jukes,
01:42
some gags,
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sume-a gegs,
01:46
some little skits --
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sume-a leettle-a skeets --
01:48
and then we're going to talk about the L1 point.
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und zeen ve're-a gueeng tu telk ebuoot zee L1 pueent.
01:50
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
01:53
So, one of the questions I ask myself
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Su, oone-a ooff zee qooesshuns I esk myselff
01:56
is, was this the most distressing TED ever?
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is, ves tees zee must deestressing TED ifer?
01:59
Let's try and sum things up, shall we?
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Let's try und soom teengs up, shell ve?
02:02
Images of limb regeneration
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Imeges ooff leemb regenereshun
02:04
and faces filled with smallpox:
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und feces feelled veet smellpux:
02:06
21 percent of the conference.
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21 percent ooff zee cunfference.
02:07
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
02:09
Mentions of polar bears drowning: four percent.
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Menshuns ooff puler beers drooneeng: fuoor percent.
02:13
Images of the earth being wiped out by flood or bird flu: 64 percent.
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Imeges ooff zee iert beeeng veeped oooot by fluud oor burd floo: 64 percent.
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
02:18
And David Pogue singing show tunes.
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Und Defeed Pugooe-a seenging shoo toones.
02:21
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
02:23
Because this is the most distressing TED ever,
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Becoose-a tees is zee must deestressing TED ifer,
02:25
I've been working with Neil Gershenfeld on next year's TED Bag.
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I'fe-a beee vurkeeng veet Neeel Gershenffeld oon next yeer's TED Beg.
02:28
And if the -- if the conference is anywhere near this distressing,
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Und iff zee -- iff zee cunfference-a is unyvhere-a neer tees deestressing,
02:31
then we're going to have a scream bag next year.
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zeen ve're-a gueeng tu hefe-a e screem beg next yeer.
02:33
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
02:37
It's going to be a cradle-to-cradle scream bag, of course.
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It's gueeng tu be-a e credle-tu-credle-a screem beg, ooff cuoorse, bork bork bork!
02:39
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
02:41
So you're going to be able to go like this.
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Su yuoo're-a gueeng tu be-a eble-a tu gu leeke-a tees.
02:44
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
02:48
Bring it over here
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Breeng it oofer here-a
02:53
and open it up. Aaaah!
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und oopee it up. Eeeeh, bork bork bork!
02:55
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
03:04
Meanwhile, back at TED University,
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Meunvheele, beck et TED Uneefersity,
03:07
this wonderful woman is teaching you how to chop Sun Chips.
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tees vunderffool vumun is teecheeng yuoo hoo tu chup Soon Cheeps.
03:10
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
03:18
So Robert Wright -- I don't know,
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Su Rubert Vreeght -- I dun't knoo,
03:21
I felt like if there was anyone that Helen needed to give antidepressants to,
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I felt leeke-a iff zeere-a ves unyune-a tet Helee needed tu geefe-a unteedepressunts tu,
03:24
it might have been him.
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it meeght hefe-a beee heem.
03:25
I want to deliberately interfere with his dopamine levels.
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I vunt tu deleeberetely interffere-a veet hees dupemeene-a lefels, bork bork bork!
03:28
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
03:29
He was talking about morality.
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He-a ves telkeeng ebuoot mureleety.
03:32
Economy class morality is,
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Icunumy cless mureleety is,
03:34
we want to bomb you back to the Stone Age.
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ve-a vunt tu bumb yuoo beck tu zee Stune-a Ege, bork bork bork!
03:36
Business class morality is,
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Booseeness cless mureleety is,
03:38
don't bomb Japan -- they built my car.
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dun't bumb Jepun -- zeey booeelt my cer.
03:40
And first-class morality is, don't bomb Mexico -- they clean my house.
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Und furst-cless mureleety is, dun't bumb Mexeecu -- zeey cleun my huoose.
03:44
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
03:46
Yes, it is politically incorrect.
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Yes, it is puleeticelly incurrect.
03:50
All right,
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Ell reeght,
03:52
now I want to do a little bit of a thing for you ...
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noo I vunt tu du e leettle-a beet ooff e teeng fur yuoo ...
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
04:00
All right, now these are the wha --
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Ell reeght, noo zeese-a ere-a zee vha --
04:02
I'd say, [mumble, mumble --
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I'd sey, [moomble, moomble-a --
04:05
mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble,
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moomble, moomble, moomble, moomble,
04:08
mumble] -- ahh!
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moomble] -- ehh!
04:12
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
04:15
So I wanted to show you guys --
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Su I vunted tu shoo yuoo gooys --
04:17
I wanted to talk about a revolutionary new computer interface
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I vunted tu telk ebuoot e refulooshunery noo cumpooter interffece-a
04:20
that lets you work with images just as easily
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tet lets yuoo vurk veet imeges joost es ieseely
04:25
as you -- as a completely natural user interface.
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es yuoo -- es e cumpletely netoorel user interffece.
04:27
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
04:32
And you can --
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Und yuoo cun --
04:33
you can use really natural hand gestures
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yuoo cun use-a reelly netoorel hund gestoores
04:35
to like, go like this.
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tu leeke, gu leeke-a tees.
04:37
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
04:43
Now we had a Harvard professor here --
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Noo ve-a hed e Herferd pruffessur here-a --
04:45
she was from Harvard, I just wanted to mention and --
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she-a ves frum Herferd, I joost vunted tu menshun und --
04:47
and she was actually a professor from Harvard.
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und she-a ves ectooelly e pruffessur frum Herferd, bork bork bork!
04:51
And she was talking about seven-dimensional, inverted universes.
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Und she-a ves telkeeng ebuoot sefen-deemensiunel, inferted uneeferses, bork bork bork!
04:55
With, you know, of course, there's the gravity brain.
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Veet, yuoo knoo, ooff cuoorse, zeere's zee grefeety breeen, bork bork bork!
04:57
There's the weak brain. And then there's my weak brain,
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Zeere's zee veek breeen. Und zeen zeere's my veek breeen,
05:00
which is too -- too -- absolutely too weak to understand
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vheech is tuu -- tuu -- ebsulootely tuu veek tu understund
05:02
what the fuck she was talking about.
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vhet zee foock she-a ves telkeeng ebuoot, bork bork bork!
05:04
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
05:06
Now --
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Noo --
05:08
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
05:13
one of the things that is very important to me
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oone-a ooff zee teengs tet is fery impurtunt tu me-a
05:15
is to try and figure out what on Earth am I here for.
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is tu try und feegoore-a oooot vhet oon Iert em I here-a fur.
05:19
And that's why I went out
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Und tet's vhy I vent oooot
05:20
and I picked up a best-selling business book.
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und I peecked up e best-selleeng booseeness buuk.
05:22
You know, it basically uses as its central premise Greek mythology.
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Yuoo knoo, it beseecelly uses es its centrel premeese-a Greek mytulugy.
05:26
And it's by a guy named Pastor Rick Warren,
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Und it's by e gooy nemed Pestur Reeck Verren,
05:29
and it's called
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und it's celled
05:31
"The Porpoise Driven Life."
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"Zee Purpueese-a Dreefee Leeffe."
05:33
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
05:36
And Rick is as
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Und Reeck is es
05:39
a pagan god,
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e pegun gud,
05:41
which I thought was kind of appropriate,
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vheech I tuooght ves keend ooff epprupreeete,
05:43
in a certain way.
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in e certeeen vey.
05:45
And now we're going to have kind of
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Und noo ve're-a gueeng tu hefe-a keend ooff
05:47
a little more visualization about Rick Warren.
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e leettle-a mure-a feesooelizeshun ebuoot Reeck Verren.
05:56
OK.
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OoK.
05:59
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
06:06
All right.
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Ell reeght.
06:09
Now, red is Rick Warren,
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Noo, red is Reeck Verren,
06:11
and green is Daniel Dennett, OK?
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und greee is Duneeel Dennett, OoK?
06:14
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
06:17
The scales here are religiosity from zero percent,
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Zee sceles here-a ere-a releegiusity frum zeru percent,
06:21
or atheist, to 100 percent, Bible literally true.
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oor ezeeeest, tu 100 percent, Beeble-a leeterelly trooe.
06:24
And then this is books sold -- the logarithmic scale.
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Und zeen tees is buuks suld -- zee lugereetmic scele.
06:28
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
06:32
30,000, 300,000, three million, 30 million, 300 million.
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30,000, 300,000, tree-a meelliun, 30 meelliun, 300 meelliun, bork bork bork!
06:35
OK, now they're duking it out. Now they're duking it out.
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OoK, noo zeey're-a dookeeng it oooot, bork bork bork! Noo zeey're-a dookeeng it oooot.
06:37
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
06:39
And Rick Warren's kind of pulling ahead, kind of pulling ahead.
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Und Reeck Verren's keend ooff poolleeng eheed, keend ooff poolleeng eheed.
06:41
Yup, and his installed base is getting a little bigger.
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Yoop, und hees instelled bese-a is getteeng e leettle-a beegger, bork bork bork!
06:45
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
06:50
But Darwin's dangerous idea is coming back. It's coming back.
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Boot Derveen's dungeruoos idea is cumeeng beck. It's cumeeng beck, bork bork bork!
06:54
Let me turn the trails on, so you can see that a little bit better.
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Let me-a toorn zee treeels oon, su yuoo cun see-a tet e leettle-a beet better, bork bork bork!
06:56
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
07:03
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
07:09
Now, one of the things that's very important is,
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Noo, oone-a ooff zee teengs tet's fery impurtunt is,
07:11
Nicholas Negroponte talked to us about one lap dance per --
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Neechules Negrupunte-a telked tu us ebuoot oone-a lep dunce-a per --
07:13
I'm sorry --
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I'm surry --
07:14
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
07:23
about One Laptop Per Child.
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ebuoot Oone-a Leptup Per Cheeld.
07:25
Now let's talk about some of the characteristics
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Noo let's telk ebuoot sume-a ooff zee cherectereestics
07:27
that are important for this revolutionary device.
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tet ere-a impurtunt fur tees refulooshunery defeece, bork bork bork!
07:29
I'll tell you a little bit about the design parameters,
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I'll tell yuoo e leettle-a beet ebuoot zee deseegn peremeters,
07:31
and then I'll show it to you in person.
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und zeen I'll shoo it tu yuoo in persun.
07:33
First of all, it needs to be small.
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Furst ooff ell, it needs tu be-a smell, bork bork bork!
07:35
It needs to be flat, so it's transportable.
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It needs tu be-a flet, su it's trunspurteble.
07:37
Lightweight. Portable.
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Leeghtveight, bork bork bork! Purteble.
07:39
Uses very, very little power.
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Uses fery, fery leettle-a pooer.
07:41
Very, very high resolution.
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Fery, fery heegh resulooshun, bork bork bork!
07:43
Has to be visible in bright daylight. Will work anywhere.
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Hes tu be-a feesible-a in breeght deyleeght, bork bork bork! Veell vurk unyvhere.
07:46
And broadly applicable across many platforms.
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Und bruedly eppleeceble-a ecruss muny pletffurms.
07:49
Now, we've actually done some research --
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Noo, ve'fe-a ectooelly dune-a sume-a reseerch --
07:51
Neil Gershenfeld and the Fab Labs went out into the market.
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Neeel Gershenffeld und zee Feb Lebs vent oooot intu zee merket.
07:54
They did some research; we came back; and we think we have the perfect prototype
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Zeey deed sume-a reseerch; ve-a ceme-a beck; und ve-a teenk ve-a hefe-a zee perffect prututype-a
07:58
of what the students in the field are actually asking for.
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ooff vhet zee stoodents in zee feeeld ere-a ectooelly eskeeng fur, bork bork bork!
08:02
And here it is,
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Und here-a it is,
08:04
the $100 computer.
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zee 00 cumpooter.
08:06
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
08:13
OK, OK, OK, OK -- excellent, excellent.
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OoK, OoK, OoK, OoK -- ixcellent, ixcellent, bork bork bork!
08:19
Now, I bought this device from Clifford Stoll for about 900 bucks.
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Noo, I buooght tees defeece-a frum Cleeffffurd Stull fur ebuoot 900 boocks.
08:23
And he and his team of junior-high school students
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Und he-a und hees teem ooff jooneeur-high schuul stoodents
08:26
were doing real science.
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vere-a dueeng reel sceeence.
08:28
So we're trying to check and trying to douse here,
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Su ve're-a tryeeng tu check und tryeeng tu duoose-a here,
08:30
and see who uses marijuana.
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und see-a vhu uses mereejooune.
08:32
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
08:33
See who uses marijuana.
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See-a vhu uses mereejooune, bork bork bork!
08:35
Are we going to be able to find any marijuana, Jim Young?
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Ere-a ve-a gueeng tu be-a eble-a tu feend uny mereejooune, Jeem Yuoong?
08:38
Only if we open enough locker doors.
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Oonly iff ve-a oopee inuoogh lucker duurs.
08:41
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
08:44
OK, now smallpox is an extremely distressing illness.
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OoK, noo smellpux is un ixtremely deestressing illness, bork bork bork!
08:48
We had Dr. Larry Brilliant talking about how we eradicated smallpox.
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Ve-a hed Dr, bork bork bork! Lerry Breelliunt telkeeng ebuoot hoo ve-a iredeeceted smellpux.
08:52
I wanted to show you the stages of smallpox.
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I vunted tu shoo yuoo zee steges ooff smellpux.
08:55
We start. This is day one.
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Ve-a stert, bork bork bork! Tees is dey oone, bork bork bork!
08:57
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
09:00
Day two.
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Dey tvu, bork bork bork!
09:02
Day three, she gets a massively big pox on her shoulder.
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Dey tree, she-a gets e messeefely beeg pux oon her shuoolder.
09:06
Day three.
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Dey tree.
09:08
Day four.
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Dey fuoor.
09:10
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
09:11
Day five
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Dey feefe-a
09:13
and day six.
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und dey seex.
09:15
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
09:16
Now the good news is, because I'm a trained medical professional,
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Noo zee guud noos is, becoose-a I'm e treeened medeecel pruffesseeunel,
09:19
I know that even though she'll be scarred for life,
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I knoo tet ifee tuoogh she'll be-a scerred fur leeffe,
09:21
she's going to make a full recovery.
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she's gueeng tu meke-a e fooll recufery.
09:23
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
09:30
Now the good news about Architects for Humanity
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Noo zee guud noos ebuoot Ercheetects fur Hoomuneety
09:33
is they're really kind of the most amazing group.
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is zeey're-a reelly keend ooff zee must emezeeng gruoop.
09:36
They've been sponsoring a design competition
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Zeey'fe-a beee spunsureeng e deseegn cumpeteeshun
09:38
to come up with innovative medical housing solutions,
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tu cume-a up veet innufeteefe-a medeecel huooseeng sulooshuns,
09:40
clinic solutions, in Africa,
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cleenic sulooshuns, in Effreece,
09:42
and they've had a design competition.
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und zeey'fe-a hed e deseegn cumpeteeshun, bork bork bork!
09:45
Now the wonderful thing is, Larry Brilliant was just appointed
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Noo zee vunderffool teeng is, Lerry Breelliunt ves joost eppueented
09:48
the head of the Google Foundation,
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zee heed ooff zee Guugle-a Fuoondeshun,
09:50
and so he decided that he would support --
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und su he-a deceeded tet he-a vuoold sooppurt --
09:53
he would support Cameron's work.
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he-a vuoold sooppurt Cemerun's vurk.
09:55
And the way he decided to support that work
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Und zee vey he-a deceeded tu sooppurt tet vurk
09:58
was by shipping over 50,000 shipping containers
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ves by sheepping oofer 50,000 sheepping cunteeeners
10:00
of Google snacks.
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ooff Guugle-a snecks.
10:02
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
10:04
So I want to show you some prototypes.
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Su I vunt tu shoo yuoo sume-a prututypes.
10:11
The U.N. -- you know, they took 20 years just to add a flap to a tent,
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Zee U.N, bork bork bork! -- yuoo knoo, zeey tuuk 20 yeers joost tu edd e flep tu e tent,
10:14
but I think we have some more exciting things.
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boot I teenk ve-a hefe-a sume-a mure-a ixceeting teengs.
10:17
This is a home made entirely out of Fruit Roll-Ups.
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Tees is e hume-a mede-a inturely oooot ooff Frooeet Rull-Ups, bork bork bork!
10:20
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
10:23
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
10:29
And those roll-up cookies coated with white chocolate.
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Und tuse-a rull-oop cuukeees cueted veet vheete-a chuculete.
10:32
And the really wonderful thing about this is,
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Und zee reelly vunderffool teeng ebuoot tees is,
10:34
when you're done, well --
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vhee yuoo're-a dune, vell --
10:36
you can eat it.
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yuoo cun iet it.
10:39
But the thing that I'm really, really excited about
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Boot zee teeng tet I'm reelly, reelly ixceeted ebuoot
10:42
is this incredible granola house.
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is tees incredeeble-a grunula huoose.
10:44
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
10:45
And the granola house has a special Sun Chip roof
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Und zee grunula huoose-a hes e speceeel Soon Cheep ruuff
10:48
to collect water and recycle it.
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tu cullect veter und recycle-a it.
10:50
And it's -- well, on this side it has regular Sour Patch Kids
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Und it's -- vell, oon tees seede-a it hes regooler Suoor Petch Keeds
10:54
and Gummy Bears to let in the light.
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und Goommy Beers tu let in zee leeght.
10:56
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
10:57
But on this side, it has sugary Gummy Bears,
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Boot oon tees seede, it hes soogery Goommy Beers,
10:59
to diffuse the light more slightly.
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tu deeffffoose-a zee leeght mure-a sleeghtly.
11:02
And we -- we wanted just to show you what this might look like in situ.
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Und ve-a -- ve-a vunted joost tu shoo yuoo vhet tees meeght luuk leeke-a in seetoo.
11:06
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
11:10
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
11:17
So, Einstein --
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Su, Ieenstein --
11:20
Einstein, tell me --
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Ieenstein, tell me-a --
11:23
what's your favorite song?
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vhet's yuoor fefureete-a sung?
11:26
No, I said what's your favorite song?
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Nu, I seeed vhet's yuoor fefureete-a sung?
11:31
No, I said what's your favorite song?
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Nu, I seeed vhet's yuoor fefureete-a sung?
11:34
"Free Bird."
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"Free-a Burd."
11:36
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
11:39
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
11:45
OK, so, Einstein,
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OoK, su, Ieenstein,
11:48
what's your favorite singing group?
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vhet's yuoor fefureete-a seenging gruoop?
11:53
Could you say that again? What's your favorite singing group?
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Cuoold yuoo sey tet egeeen? Vhet's yuoor fefureete-a seenging gruoop?
11:59
OK, one more time -- I'm just going to give you a little help.
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OoK, oone-a mure-a teeme-a -- I'm joost gueeng tu geefe-a yuoo e leettle-a help.
12:01
Your favorite singing group -- it's Diana Ross and the --
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Yuoor fefureete-a seenging gruoop -- it's Deeuna Russ und zee --
12:05
Audience: Supremes!
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Oodeeence: Soopremes!
12:06
Tom Reilly: Exactly.
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Tum Reeelly: Ixectly.
12:08
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
12:16
Could we have the sound up on the laptop, please?
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Cuoold ve-a hefe-a zee suoond up oon zee leptup, pleese?
12:18
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
12:20
"Free Bird" kind of reminds me that if you --
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"Free-a Burd" keend ooff remeends me-a tet iff yuoo --
12:21
if you listen to "Free Bird" backwards,
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iff yuoo leestee tu "Free-a Burd" beckverds,
12:23
this is what you might hear.
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tees is vhet yuoo meeght heer.
12:26
Computer: Satan. Satan. Satan. Satan.
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Cumpooter: Setun. Setun. Setun. Setun.
12:32
Satan. Satan. Satan.
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Setun. Setun. Setun, bork bork bork!
12:35
TR: Now it's a little hard to hear the whole message, so I wanted to --
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TR: Noo it's e leettle-a herd tu heer zee vhule-a messege, su I vunted tu --
12:37
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
12:39
so I wanted to help you a little bit.
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su I vunted tu help yuoo e leettle-a beet, bork bork bork!
12:47
Computer: My sweet Satan. Dan Dennett worships Satan.
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Cumpooter: My sveet Setun. Dun Dennett vursheeps Setun.
12:51
Buy "The Purpose-Driven Life," or Satan will take your soul.
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Booy "Zee Poorpuse-Dreefee Leeffe," oor Setun veell teke-a yuoor suool.
12:55
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
13:06
TR: So,
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TR: Su,
13:08
we've talked a lot about global warming,
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ve'fe-a telked e lut ebuoot glubel vermeeng,
13:10
but, you know, as Jill said, it sounds kind of nice --
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boot, yuoo knoo, es Jeell seeed, it suoonds keend ooff neece-a --
13:13
good weather in the wintertime, and New York City.
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guud veezeer in zee veentertime, und Noo Yurk Ceety.
13:16
And as Jay Walker pointed out, that is just not scary enough.
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Und es Jey Velker pueented oooot, tet is joost nut scery inuoogh.
13:21
So Al, I actually think I'm rather good at branding.
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Su El, I ectooelly teenk I'm rezeer guud et brundeeng.
13:24
So I've tried to figure out a good design process
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Su I'fe-a treeed tu feegoore-a oooot e guud deseegn prucess
13:27
to come up with a new term to replace "global warming."
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tu cume-a up veet e noo term tu replece-a "glubel vermeeng."
13:30
So we started with Babel Fish. We put in global warming.
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Su ve-a sterted veet Bebel Feesh, bork bork bork! Ve-a poot in glubel vermeeng, bork bork bork!
13:34
And then we decided that we'd change it from English to Dutch --
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Und zeen ve-a deceeded tet ve'd chunge-a it frum Ingleesh tu Dootch --
13:36
into "Het globale Verwarmen."
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intu "Het glubele-a Fervermen."
13:39
From Dutch to [Korean], into "Hordahordaneecheewa."
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Frum Dootch tu Cheenese, intu "Hurdehurduneecheooe."
13:42
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
13:43
[Korean] to Portuguese: Aquecer-se Global.
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Cheenese-a tu Purtoogooese: Eqooecer-se-a Glubel, bork bork bork!
13:46
Then Portuguese to Pig Latin.
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Zeen Purtoogooese-a tu Peeg Leteen.
13:48
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
13:58
Aquecer-se ucked-fay.
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Eqooecer-se-a ucked-ffey.
14:00
And then finally back into the English,
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Und zeen feenelly beck intu zee Ingleesh,
14:03
which is, we're totally fucked.
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vheech is, ve're-a tutelly foocked, bork bork bork!
14:05
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
14:07
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
14:13
Now I don't know about you,
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Noo I dun't knoo ebuoot yuoo,
14:15
but Michael Shermer talked about the willingness for human beings --
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boot Meecheel Shermer telked ebuoot zee veellingness fur hoomun beeengs --
14:18
evolutionarily, they're designed to see patterns in things.
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ifulooshunereely, zeey're-a deseegned tu see-a petterns in teengs, bork bork bork!
14:21
For example, in cheese sandwiches.
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Fur ixemple, in cheese-a sundveeches, bork bork bork!
14:24
Now can you look at that carefully and see if you see the Virgin Mary?
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Noo cun yuoo luuk et tet cereffoolly und see-a iff yuoo see-a zee Furgeen Mery?
14:28
I tried to make it a little bit clearer.
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I treeed tu meke-a it e leettle-a beet cleerer.
14:30
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
14:34
Is it the Virgin Mary?
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Is it zee Furgeen Mery?
14:36
Or is it Mena Trott?
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Oor is it Mena Trutt?
14:41
So, I talked to Josh Prince-Ramus about the convention center
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Su, I telked tu Jush Preence-Remoos ebuoot zee cunfenshun center
14:43
and the conferences. It's getting awfully big.
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und zee cunfferences. It's getteeng evffoolly beeg, bork bork bork!
14:45
It's getting just a little bit too big. It's bursting at the seams here a little bit.
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It's getteeng joost e leettle-a beet tuu beeg. It's boorsteeng et zee seems here-a e leettle-a beet, bork bork bork!
14:48
So we tried to come up with a program --
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Su ve-a treeed tu cume-a up veet e prugrem --
14:50
how we could remake this structure to better accommodate TED.
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hoo ve-a cuoold remeke-a tees strooctoore-a tu better eccummudete-a TED, bork bork bork!
14:53
So first of all we decided --
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Su furst ooff ell ve-a deceeded --
14:55
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
14:56
that we needed about one-third bookstore,
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tet ve-a needed ebuoot oone-turd buuksture,
14:58
one-third Google cafe,
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oone-turd Guugle-a ceffe,
15:00
about 20 percent registration, 80 percent luxury hotel,
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ebuoot 20 percent regeestreshun, 80 percent looxoory hutel,
15:03
about five percent for restrooms.
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ebuoot feefe-a percent fur restruums, bork bork bork!
15:05
And then of course, we wanted to have the simulcast lounge,
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Und zeen ooff cuoorse, ve-a vunted tu hefe-a zee seemoolcest luoonge,
15:07
the lobby and the Steinbeck forum.
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zee lubby und zee Steeenbeck furoom, bork bork bork!
15:08
Now let me show you how that
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Noo let me-a shoo yuoo hoo tet
15:10
literally translated into the design program.
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leeterelly trunsleted intu zee deseegn prugrem, bork bork bork!
15:13
So first,
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Su furst,
15:15
one of the problems with Monterey is that if there is global warming
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oone-a ooff zee prublems veet Munterey is tet iff zeere-a is glubel vermeeng
15:17
and Greenland melts as you say, the ocean level
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und Greenlund melts es yuoo sey, zee ooceun lefel
15:19
is going to rise 20 feet and flood the hell out of the convention center.
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is gueeng tu reese-a 20 feet und fluud zee hell oooot ooff zee cunfenshun center.
15:23
So we're going to build this new building on stilts.
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Su ve're-a gueeng tu booeeld tees noo booeelding oon steelts.
15:25
So we build this building on stilts,
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Su ve-a booeeld tees booeelding oon steelts,
15:27
then up here --
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zeen up here-a --
15:29
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
15:30
is where we're going to put the new Steinbeck auditorium.
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is vhere-a ve're-a gueeng tu poot zee noo Steeenbeck oodeeturioom.
15:32
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
15:33
And the wonderful thing about the new bookstore is,
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Und zee vunderffool teeng ebuoot zee noo buuksture-a is,
15:36
it's going to be shaped in a spiral that's organized by the Dewey Decimal System.
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it's gueeng tu be-a sheped in e spurel tet's oorguneezed by zee Dooey Deceemel System.
15:40
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
15:42
Then we're going to make an escalator that helps you get up there.
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Zeen ve're-a gueeng tu meke-a un isceletur tet helps yuoo get up zeere, bork bork bork!
15:45
And finally, we're going to put the Marriott Hotel
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Und feenelly, ve're-a gueeng tu poot zee Merreeutt Hutel
15:48
and the Portola Plaza on the top.
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und zee Purtula Pleza oon zee tup.
15:50
(Applause)
309
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(Epploose)
15:54
Now I don't know about you, but sometimes I have these images in my head
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Noo I dun't knoo ebuoot yuoo, boot sumeteemes I hefe-a zeese-a imeges in my heed
15:57
of separated at birth.
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ooff sepereted et burt, bork bork bork!
15:59
I don't know about you, but when I see Aubrey de Grey,
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I dun't knoo ebuoot yuoo, boot vhee I see-a Oobrey de-a Grey,
16:02
I immediately go to Gandalf the Grey.
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I immedeeetely gu tu Gundelff zee Grey.
16:05
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
16:09
OK. Now, we've heard, of course,
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OoK. Noo, ve'fe-a heerd, ooff cuoorse,
16:11
that we're all soldiers here.
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tet ve're-a ell suldeeers here.
16:14
So what I'd really, really like you to do now is,
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Su vhet I'd reelly, reelly leeke-a yuoo tu du noo is,
16:16
pick up your white piece of paper. Does everybody have their white piece of paper?
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peeck up yuoor vheete-a peeece-a ooff peper. Dues iferybudy hefe-a zeeur vheete-a peeece-a ooff peper?
16:20
And I want you to get out a pen,
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Und I vunt yuoo tu get oooot e pen,
16:23
and I want you to write a terrorist note.
320
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und I vunt yuoo tu vreete-a e terrureest nute.
16:25
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
16:28
If we put up the ELMO for a moment --
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Iff ve-a poot up zee ILMO fur e mument --
16:31
if we put up the ELMO, then we'll get, you know,
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iff ve-a poot up zee ILMO, zeen ve'll get, yuoo knoo,
16:33
I'll give you a model that you can work from, OK?
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I'll geefe-a yuoo e mudel tet yuoo cun vurk frum, OoK?
16:37
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
16:39
And then I want you to fold that note into a paper airplane.
326
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Und zeen I vunt yuoo tu fuld tet nute-a intu e peper eurplune, bork bork bork!
16:44
And once you've folded it into a paper airplane,
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Und oonce-a yuoo'fe-a fulded it intu e peper eurplune,
16:46
I want you to take some anthrax --
328
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I vunt yuoo tu teke-a sume-a untrex --
16:48
(Laughter)
329
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(Looghter)
16:50
and I want you to put that in the paper airplane.
330
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und I vunt yuoo tu poot tet in zee peper eurplune.
16:53
And then I want you to throw it on Jim Young.
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Und zeen I vunt yuoo tu troo it oon Jeem Yuoong, bork bork bork!
16:55
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
16:58
Luckily, I was the recipient of the TED Prize this year.
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Loockeely, I ves zee receepient ooff zee TED Preeze-a tees yeer, bork bork bork!
17:02
And I wanted to see --
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Und I vunted tu see-a --
17:04
I want to dedicate this film to my father, Homer.
335
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I vunt tu dedeecete-a tees feelm tu my fezeer, Humer.
17:07
OK.
336
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OoK, bork bork bork!
17:15
Now this film isn't really hard enough,
337
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Noo tees feelm isn't reelly herd inuoogh,
17:17
so I wanted to make it a little bit harder.
338
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su I vunted tu meke-a it e leettle-a beet herder, bork bork bork!
17:19
So I'm going to try and do this while reciting pi.
339
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Su I'm gueeng tu try und du tees vheele-a receeting pee.
17:21
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
17:22
3.1415,
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3.1415,
17:25
2657,
342
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2657,
17:27
753,
343
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2000
753,
17:29
8567,
344
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2000
8567,
17:33
24972 --
345
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24972 --
17:35
-- 85871, 25871,
346
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-- 85871, 25871,
17:40
3928, 5657,
347
1035000
4000
3928, 5657,
17:46
2592, 5624.
348
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2592, 5624.
17:49
(Applause)
349
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(Epploose)
17:56
Can we cue the music please?
350
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Cun ve-a cooe-a zee mooseec pleese?
18:14
(Applause)
351
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(Epploose)
18:25
Now I wanted to use this talk to talk about global warming a little bit.
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Noo I vunted tu use-a tees telk tu telk ebuoot glubel vermeeng e leettle-a beet.
18:30
Back in 1968,
353
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Beck in 1968,
18:32
you can see that the mountain range of Brokeback Mountain
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yuoo cun see-a tet zee muoonteeen runge-a ooff Brukebeck Muoonteeen
18:35
was covered in 151 inches of snow pack.
355
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3000
ves cufered in 151 inches ooff snoo peck.
18:40
Parenthetically, over there on the slopes,
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Perenzeeteecelly, oofer zeere-a oon zee slupes,
18:42
I did want to show you that black men ski.
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I deed vunt tu shoo yuoo tet bleck mee skee, bork bork bork!
18:46
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
18:52
But over the years,
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Boot oofer zee yeers,
18:55
10 years later, the snow packs eroded,
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10 yeers leter, zee snoo pecks iruded,
18:57
and, if you notice, the trees have started turning yellow.
361
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und, iff yuoo nuteece, zee trees hefe-a sterted toorneeng yelloo, bork bork bork!
18:59
The water level of the lake has started drying up.
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Zee veter lefel ooff zee leke-a hes sterted dryeeng up.
19:04
A few years later, there's no snow left at all.
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E foo yeers leter, zeere's nu snoo lefft et ell.
19:07
And all the trees have turned brown.
364
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Und ell zee trees hefe-a toorned broon.
19:11
This year, unfortunately the lakebed's
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2000
Tees yeer, unffurtoonetely zee lekebed's
19:13
turned into an absolute cracked dry bed.
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toorned intu un ebsuloote-a crecked dry bed, bork bork bork!
19:16
And I fear, if we do nothing for our planet,
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Und I feer, iff ve-a du nuteeng fur oooor plunet,
19:19
in 20 years, it's going to look like this.
368
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in 20 yeers, it's gueeng tu luuk leeke-a tees.
19:24
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
19:37
Mr. Vice President, I wish I knew how to quit you.
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Mr. Feece-a Preseedent, I veesh I knoo hoo tu qooeet yuoo.
19:42
(Laughter)
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(Looghter)
19:43
(Applause)
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(Epploose)
19:47
Thank you very much.
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Tunk yuoo fery mooch, bork bork bork!
19:48
(Applause)
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14000
(Epploose)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tom Rielly - SatiristTraditionally, Tom Rielly closes the TED Conference with a merciless 18-minute monologue, skewering all the speakers with his deadpan delivery, spot-on satire and boundary-less performance (complete with PowerPoint, pratfalls and partial nudity).
Why you should listen
Talk a walk back through the history of digital media, and you'll find our colleague Tom Rielly every step along the way. He entered the mediasphere with a memorable turn in the 1980 film My Bodyguard. A lifelong performer, he soon found a second love in personal computing. He recognized early on the incredible power of Macs, CD-ROMs and the Web, founding Yale's Macintosh User Group in 1984, then working at SuperMac, Farallon and Voyager, among other pioneering companies.
Rielly is perhaps best-known for co-founding PlanetOut, the first digital home for gays and lesbians, which went public in 2004. He also co-founded the influential nonprofit Digital Queers. As TED's Director of Partnerships, Tom now choreographs the wide range of collaborations that help bring TED to life, at the conference and online. But he's found his true vocation as TED's resident satirist, a role he's played for more than a decade.
Since 1995, Rielly has been hijacking the final session of the conference with his whip-smart satire of all the speakers who came before him -- skewering the egos, mocking the flights of fancy, parroting the doomsday predictions, and imagining a world where Al Gore tells him "I can't quit you."
Fearless and unfailingly funny, Tom's lightning performances bring a flash of brilliance to the closing session and draw a standing ovation every time.
Tom Rielly | Speaker | TED.com