The Way We Work
Dan Clay: Why you should bring your whole self to work
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Dan Clay was worried about being dismissed as "too gay" at work, so he dialed down his personality. But then his alter ego, Carrie Dragshaw, went viral online. Here's what happened next.
Dan Clay - Writer, consultant
By day, Dan Clay is a partner in at a brand and innovation consultancy. His more well-known persona is Carrie Dragshaw. Full bio
By day, Dan Clay is a partner in at a brand and innovation consultancy. His more well-known persona is Carrie Dragshaw. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
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A leader is steady, firm,
decisive, unwavering.
decisive, unwavering.
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Never let 'em see you sweat,
always have an answer.
always have an answer.
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[The Way We Work]
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My name is Dan, I'm a partner
at a global creative consultancy.
at a global creative consultancy.
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But there's another side to me:
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Carrie Dragshaw,
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the character I created on Instagram.
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As I thought about my double life,
I couldn't help but wonder ...
I couldn't help but wonder ...
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When your true self
is a little nontraditional,
is a little nontraditional,
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how much of it can you really
bring to the office?
bring to the office?
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For some of us is authenticity off-limits?
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For the first 10 years of my career,
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I thought there was
one way to be a leader:
one way to be a leader:
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decisive and serious.
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But that's not me.
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So I'd put on basically
office drag to fit the role:
office drag to fit the role:
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I'd talk in a deeper voice,
try to hold in my hand motions.
try to hold in my hand motions.
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I'm someone who gets
really excited about things,
really excited about things,
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so I'd temper that.
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I had this little voice
in my head, telling me,
in my head, telling me,
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"You're too gay,
too feminine, too flamboyant."
too feminine, too flamboyant."
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01:02
I had one well-intentioned
adviser who said,
adviser who said,
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"Everyone knows you're gay.
And that's great.
And that's great.
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But you don't need to beat them
over the head with it."
over the head with it."
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01:10
Cut to: me in a tutu, for Halloween 2016.
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I dressed up as my favorite
TV show character, Carrie Bradshaw,
TV show character, Carrie Bradshaw,
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thinking my friends
would get a kick out of it.
would get a kick out of it.
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And then, things got crazy.
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The post went viral,
and at first it was pure fun.
and at first it was pure fun.
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I started getting these incredible
messages from people
messages from people
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about how happy it made them,
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how it encouraged them
to be their authentic selves.
to be their authentic selves.
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And I started to think,
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maybe this is the time to tell that
little voice in my head to just shut up
little voice in my head to just shut up
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and let myself be me.
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But then things got a little too big.
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Carrie Dragshaw was everywhere --
In the "New York Post", "US Weekly" --
In the "New York Post", "US Weekly" --
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and I got terrified:
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"What would my bosses think?
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Would my coworkers
still respect me as a leader?
still respect me as a leader?
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What would my clients think?"
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I thought I was going to have to
get a different job.
get a different job.
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But then, something happened,
something small.
something small.
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I got a text from my boss,
it wasn't long, it just said,
it wasn't long, it just said,
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"Wow, Cosmo!"
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With a link to an article
that had just gone up about me.
that had just gone up about me.
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And it let me put that little,
scared voice away
scared voice away
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and just be excited
about this whole new world,
about this whole new world,
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rather than freaked out.
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That's the power of one person,
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sometimes all it takes is one ally
to make you feel comfortable.
to make you feel comfortable.
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And my coworkers
started acting differently.
started acting differently.
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They became more open,
more playful with me,
more playful with me,
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it was as if knowing this other side of me
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gave them permission
to be more of themselves as well.
to be more of themselves as well.
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I thought that openness and vulnerability
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would actually decrease
my standing with my team.
my standing with my team.
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But it's done the opposite.
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Two years in,
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I never could have imagined that this
part of me would not just be embraced,
part of me would not just be embraced,
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but could actually help my career.
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Now, I'm lucky.
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I work in New York City,
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in an office where creativity is valued
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and I was already pretty established
in my career when all of this started.
in my career when all of this started.
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Maybe that's you, maybe it isn't.
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But all of this has taught me so much
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about just the importance
of bringing your whole self to work.
of bringing your whole self to work.
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And it's really challenged
my own misperceptions
my own misperceptions
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about what it takes to be successful.
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There's no one kind of way to be a leader.
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It's about finding your strengths
and finding ways to amplify them.
and finding ways to amplify them.
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Before, if a meeting was hard,
I'd put on my perfect leader mask.
I'd put on my perfect leader mask.
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Now, I can say,
"Gosh, that was frustrating."
"Gosh, that was frustrating."
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We can talk about challenges
and struggles in an open way,
and struggles in an open way,
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rather than everybody pretending
that they're fine until it's too late.
that they're fine until it's too late.
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Concealing an identity takes work.
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Think of all the wasted energy
spent pretending,
spent pretending,
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wishing you were someone different.
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What's most interesting to me, though,
is that in this big study of covering,
is that in this big study of covering,
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93 percent of those
who say they're doing it
who say they're doing it
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also believe their organization
values inclusion.
values inclusion.
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So clearly, our workplaces
and all of our strange inner voices
and all of our strange inner voices
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have a long way to go on acceptance.
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There's a big difference
between adapting and disguising.
between adapting and disguising.
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And I think I learned that a little late.
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Personally, I'm taking all of this
as a call to be the ally
as a call to be the ally
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who, like my boss did for me,
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lets people know that it's OK to open up.
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If you're gay, or proud
of your ethnic background,
of your ethnic background,
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or have a disability
or are deeply religious,
or are deeply religious,
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see what it's like
being your full self at work.
being your full self at work.
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You might be pleasantly surprised.
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Dan Clay - Writer, consultantBy day, Dan Clay is a partner in at a brand and innovation consultancy. His more well-known persona is Carrie Dragshaw.
Why you should listen
Dan Clay is a partner in strategy and innovation for Lippincott, an NYC-based consultancy. His expertise focuses on the strategic growth spaces that emerge from changing customer needs, expectations, fears and desires. In addition to advising financial services, health care and retail clients, Clay is a leading voice in Lippincott's intellectual capital and has authored several reports on how to build emotional bonds with the customer of the future. He graduated with an MBA from Wharton at the University of Pennsylvania and received his undergraduate degree in philosophy at Northwestern University.
Clay's more well-known persona is Carrie Dragshaw. What started as a simple Halloween costume turned into a viral fairy tale. Clay recreates classic Sex and the City looks and accompanies them with original "couldn't help but wonder" monologues. He's been featured in Cosmopolitan, L.A. Times, Us Weekly, the New York Post, BuzzFeed, Man Repeller, Huffington Post, Out, Refinery29, InStyle and more. Carrie Dragshaw has one simple mission: to create a little corner of the internet that is only positivity and love.
Dan Clay | Speaker | TED.com