TEDxRainier
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Zašto žrtve nasilja u obitelji ostaju sa svojim zlostavljačima
Filmed:
Readability: 3.8
5,800,883 views
Leslie Morgan Steiner bila je "poremećeno zaljubljena", tj. ludo zaljubljena u muškarca koji ju je opetovano zlostavljao i ugrožavao joj život. Steiner priča mračnu priču o svojoj vezi, ispravlja stereotipna razmišljanja koja mnogi ljudi imaju o žrtvama obiteljskog nasilja i objašnjava kako svi mi možemo pomoći prekinuti šutnju. (Snimljeno na TEDxRainier.)
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,
0
681
3288
Danas ću vam govoriti o
jednom uznemirujućem pitanju
jednom uznemirujućem pitanju
00:19
which has an equally disturbing answer.
1
3969
3698
s jednako uznemirujućim odgovorom.
00:23
My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,
2
7667
3602
Govorit ću o tajnama obiteljskog nasilja,
00:27
and the question I'm going to tackle
3
11269
2334
a pitanje kojim ću se pozabaviti
00:29
is the one question everyone always asks:
4
13603
4081
jest pitanje koje svi uvijek postavljaju:
00:33
Why does she stay?
5
17684
1612
Zašto je ostala s njim?
00:35
Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?
6
19296
3996
Zašto bi itko ostao
s muškarcem koji ih tuče?
s muškarcem koji ih tuče?
00:39
I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker
7
23292
2977
Nisam psihijatrica ni socijalna radnica,
00:42
or an expert in domestic violence.
8
26269
2335
ni stručnjakinja po pitanju
obiteljskog nasilja.
obiteljskog nasilja.
00:44
I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
9
28604
3199
Ja sam samo obična žena s pričom.
00:47
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.
10
31803
4513
Bile su mi 22 godine.
Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu.
Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu.
00:52
I had moved to New York City for my first job
11
36316
2472
Preselila sam se u New York
i našla prvi posao
i našla prvi posao
00:54
as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.
12
38788
3296
kao novinarka i urednica
časopisa "Seventeen".
časopisa "Seventeen".
00:57
I had my first apartment,
13
42084
2240
Prvi put sam imala vlastiti stan,
01:00
my first little green American Express card,
14
44324
3200
vlastitu malu, zelenu
American Express karticu
American Express karticu
01:03
and I had a very big secret.
15
47524
3028
i jednu ogromnu tajnu.
01:06
My secret was that I had this gun
16
50552
3699
Moja je tajna bio ovaj pištolj
01:10
loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head
17
54251
3438
napunjen ćorcima koji mi je uperio u glavu
01:13
by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
18
57689
2563
čovjek kojega sam smatrala srodnom dušom,
01:16
many, many times.
19
60252
3485
i to mnogo, mnogo puta.
01:19
The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth
20
63737
3560
Čovjek kojega sam voljela
više nego bilo koga na svijetu
više nego bilo koga na svijetu
01:23
held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me
21
67297
4079
držao mi je pištolj uperen u glavu
i prijetio da će me ubiti,
i prijetio da će me ubiti,
01:27
more times than I can even remember.
22
71376
3185
ni ne sjećam se više koliko puta.
01:30
I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,
23
74561
2743
Ovdje sam kako bih vam
ispričala priču o bolesnoj ljubavi,
ispričala priču o bolesnoj ljubavi,
01:33
a psychological trap disguised as love,
24
77304
3184
psihološkoj zamci prerušenoj u ljubav,
01:36
one that millions of women and even a few men
25
80488
2852
u koju milijuni žena, pa čak
i nekolicina muškaraca,
i nekolicina muškaraca,
01:39
fall into every year.
26
83340
2381
upadaju svake godine.
01:41
It may even be your story.
27
85721
2749
Možda je to čak i vaša priča.
01:44
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.
28
88470
3043
Ne izgledam kao tipična
žrtva obiteljskog nasilja.
žrtva obiteljskog nasilja.
01:47
I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,
29
91513
2306
Imam diplomu iz engleskog s Harvarda,
01:49
an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.
30
93819
2362
magisterij iz marketinga
s Poslovne škole Wharton.
s Poslovne škole Wharton.
01:52
I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies
31
96181
3292
Većinu karijeru provela u tvrtkama
s popisa 500 najbogatijih tvrtki,
s popisa 500 najbogatijih tvrtki,
01:55
including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.
32
99473
4272
uključujući Johnson & Johnson,
Leo Burnett i Washington Post.
Leo Burnett i Washington Post.
01:59
I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband
33
103745
3796
Već dvadeset godina u braku sam
sa svojim drugim suprugom
sa svojim drugim suprugom
02:03
and we have three kids together.
34
107541
2789
i imamo troje djece.
02:06
My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.
35
110330
4229
Imam crnog labradora
i vozim Hondu Odyssey.
i vozim Hondu Odyssey.
02:10
(Laughter)
36
114559
2480
(Smijeh)
02:12
So my first message for you is that domestic violence
37
117039
2719
Stoga je moja prva poruka vama
ta da se obiteljsko nasilje
ta da se obiteljsko nasilje
02:15
happens to everyone --
38
119758
2368
događa svima -
02:18
all races, all religions, all income and education levels.
39
122126
4176
osobama svih rasa, vjeroispovijesti,
materijalnog statusa i razina obrazovanja.
materijalnog statusa i razina obrazovanja.
02:22
It's everywhere.
40
126302
1939
Ono je posvuda.
02:24
And my second message is that everyone thinks
41
128241
2520
Druga moja poruka vama
jest ta da svi misle
jest ta da svi misle
02:26
domestic violence happens to women,
42
130761
2118
da se obiteljsko nasilje događa ženama,
02:28
that it's a women's issue.
43
132879
2268
da je to žensko pitanje.
02:31
Not exactly.
44
135147
2219
To nije posve točno.
02:33
Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse
45
137366
4112
Preko 85 posto zlostavljača čine muškarci,
a do obiteljskog nasilja
a do obiteljskog nasilja
02:37
happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,
46
141478
5918
dolazi samo u intimnim,
međuovisnim, dugotrajnim vezama.
međuovisnim, dugotrajnim vezama.
02:43
in other words, in families,
47
147396
2169
Drugim riječima - u obiteljima.
02:45
the last place we would want or expect to find violence,
48
149565
3865
Na posljednjem mjestu gdje bismo željeli
ili očekivali naići na nasilje,
ili očekivali naići na nasilje,
02:49
which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
49
153430
4278
što je još jedan od razloga
zašto je ono toliko zbunjujuće.
zašto je ono toliko zbunjujuće.
02:53
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth
50
157708
3551
I ja bih vam sama rekla da nikad
02:57
who would stay with a man who beats me,
51
161259
2572
ne bih ostala s muškarcem koji me tuče.
02:59
but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.
52
163831
3407
No, zapravo sam bila
tipična žrtva, i to po svojoj dobi.
tipična žrtva, i to po svojoj dobi.
03:03
I was 22, and in the United States,
53
167238
3285
BIle su mi 22 godine, a u SAD-u
03:06
women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
54
170523
3849
žene u dobi od 16 do 24 godine
triput su sklonije postati
triput su sklonije postati
03:10
to be domestic violence victims
55
174372
2761
žrtve obiteljskog nasilja
03:13
as women of other ages,
56
177133
2815
nego žene iz ostalih dobnih skupina.
03:15
and over 500 women and girls this age
57
179948
3303
Preko 500 žena i djevojaka te dobi
03:19
are killed every year by abusive partners,
58
183251
3571
svake godine biva ubijeno
od strane partnera
od strane partnera
03:22
boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
59
186822
4633
i muževa zlostavljača u SAD-u.
03:27
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing
60
191455
3060
Bila sam vrlo tipična žrtva
i po tome što nisam ništa znala
i po tome što nisam ništa znala
03:30
about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
61
194515
4585
o obiteljskom nasilju, znacima upozorenja
te o obrascima zlostavljačkog ponašanja.
te o obrascima zlostavljačkog ponašanja.
03:35
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.
62
199100
5065
Conora sam upoznala jedne hladne
i kišovite siječanjske večeri.
i kišovite siječanjske večeri.
03:40
He sat next to me on the New York City subway,
63
204165
2963
Sjeo je pokraj mene
na podzemnoj željeznici u New Yorku
na podzemnoj željeznici u New Yorku
03:43
and he started chatting me up.
64
207128
2139
i počeo mi se nabacivati.
03:45
He told me two things.
65
209267
1868
Rekao mi je dvije stvari.
03:47
One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,
66
211135
3802
Prva - i sam je tek diplomirao
na uglednom fakultetu
na uglednom fakultetu
03:50
and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.
67
214937
4355
i zaposlen je u vrlo uglednoj
banci na Wall Streetu.
banci na Wall Streetu.
03:55
But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting
68
219292
3660
No, ono što je na mene ostavilo
najsnažniji dojam nakon tog prvog sastanka
najsnažniji dojam nakon tog prvog sastanka
03:58
was that he was smart and funny
69
222952
3288
jest činjenica da je bio pametan i duhovit
04:02
and he looked like a farm boy.
70
226240
1400
i izgledao je kao farmer.
04:03
He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks
71
227640
2347
Imao je velike obraze,
velike rumene obraze
velike rumene obraze
04:05
and this wheat-blond hair,
72
229987
1685
i plavu kosu boje žita
04:07
and he seemed so sweet.
73
231672
3287
i činio se tako drag.
04:10
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,
74
234959
3784
Jedan od najpametnijih Conorovih poteza,
koje je povlačio od samog početka
koje je povlačio od samog početka
04:14
was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.
75
238743
5574
jest stvaranje iluzije
da sam ja ta koja dominira u vezi.
da sam ja ta koja dominira u vezi.
04:20
He did this especially at the beginning
76
244317
2201
Činio je to posebno na početku
04:22
by idolizing me.
77
246518
2866
tako što me dizao u nebesa.
04:25
We started dating, and he loved everything about me,
78
249384
3286
Prohodali smo i činilo se
da mu se sviđa sve na meni.
da mu se sviđa sve na meni.
04:28
that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,
79
252670
1684
inteligencija, pohađanje Harvarda,
04:30
that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.
80
254354
3030
strast oko pomaganja
tinejdžericama i oko mog posla.
tinejdžericama i oko mog posla.
04:33
He wanted to know everything about my family
81
257384
2531
Želio je znati sve o mojoj obitelji,
04:35
and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
82
259915
2616
o mome djetinjstvu,
mojim snovima i nadanjima.
mojim snovima i nadanjima.
04:38
Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,
83
262531
3634
Conor je vjerovao u mene
kao spisateljicu i kao ženu
kao spisateljicu i kao ženu
04:42
in a way that no one else ever had.
84
266165
3679
kao nitko drugi.
04:45
And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us
85
269844
4325
Uz to je stvorio čarobnu atmosferu
povjerenja između nas
povjerenja između nas
04:50
by confessing his secret,
86
274169
2520
priznavši mi svoju tajnu:
04:52
which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,
87
276689
4480
od vrlo rane dobi,
od njegove četvrte godine,
od njegove četvrte godine,
04:57
he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused
88
281169
2911
opetovano ga je
divljački tjelesno zlostavljao
divljački tjelesno zlostavljao
04:59
by his stepfather,
89
284080
1686
njegov očuh,
05:01
and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,
90
285766
3940
a to je zlostavljanje toliko eskaliralo
da se ispisao iz škole u 8. razredu,
da se ispisao iz škole u 8. razredu,
05:05
even though he was very smart,
91
289706
2619
usprkos visokoj inteligenciji,
05:08
and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.
92
292325
3256
Gotovo 20 godina proveo je
nastojeći ponovno izgraditi svoj život.
nastojeći ponovno izgraditi svoj život.
05:11
Which is why that Ivy League degree
93
295581
3156
Zbog toga mu
ta diploma uglednog sveučilišta,
ta diploma uglednog sveučilišta,
05:14
and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future
94
298737
2813
posao na Wall Streetu i sjajna budućnost
05:17
meant so much to him.
95
301550
2571
i jesu toliko puno značili.
05:20
If you had told me
96
304121
2144
Da ste mi rekli
05:22
that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me
97
306265
5364
da će mi taj pametni, duhoviti,
nježni muškarac koji me obožavao
nježni muškarac koji me obožavao
05:27
would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,
98
311629
4383
jednog dana određivati
hoću li nositi šminku,
hoću li nositi šminku,
05:31
how short my skirts were,
99
316012
2050
dužinu suknje,
05:33
where I lived, what jobs I took,
100
318062
1930
gdje živim, koje poslove radim,
05:35
who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,
101
319992
3364
tko su mi prijatelji
i gdje ću provoditi blagdane,
i gdje ću provoditi blagdane,
05:39
I would have laughed at you,
102
323356
1948
nasmijala bih vam se u facu
05:41
because there was not a hint of violence or control
103
325304
3048
jer se ni trunčica nasilnog ponašanja,
opsjednutosti kontrolom
opsjednutosti kontrolom
05:44
or anger in Conor at the beginning.
104
328352
3484
ni bijesa u početku nije nazirala u Conoru.
05:47
I didn't know that the first stage
105
331836
3125
Nisam znala da je prva faza
05:50
in any domestic violence relationship
106
334961
2375
u svakoj nasilnoj vezi
05:53
is to seduce and charm the victim.
107
337336
3652
zavesti i šarmirati žrtvu.
05:56
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.
108
340988
4760
Nisam znala ni da je
druga faza izolirati žrtvu.
druga faza izolirati žrtvu.
06:01
Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,
109
345748
4154
Conor nije samo došao kući
jednog dana i objavio mi:
jednog dana i objavio mi:
06:05
"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,
110
349902
3134
"Znaš što, ovo furanje
na Romea i Juliju bilo je super,
na Romea i Juliju bilo je super,
06:08
but I need to move into the next phase
111
353036
2005
ali sad moram prjeći na sljedeću fazu
06:10
where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —
112
355041
4179
i odsad ću te izolirati i zlostavljati"
- (Smijeh) -
- (Smijeh) -
06:15
"so I need to get you out of this apartment
113
359220
1355
"pa ćemo napustiti ovaj stan
06:16
where the neighbors can hear you scream
114
360575
1641
da te susjedi ne čuju kako vrištiš
06:18
and out of this city where you have friends and family
115
362216
2473
i iz ovog grada u kojem
imaš prijatelje i obitelj
imaš prijatelje i obitelj
06:20
and coworkers who can see the bruises."
116
364689
3306
i kolege koji bi primijetili modrice."
06:23
Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening
117
367995
4221
Ne, Conor je jednog
petka uvečer došao kući
petka uvečer došao kući
06:28
and he told me that he had quit his job that day,
118
372216
2731
i rekao da je dao otkaz na poslu,
06:30
his dream job,
119
374947
2465
a to je bio njegov posao iz snova,
06:33
and he said that he had quit his job because of me,
120
377412
4141
i rekao mi da ga je dao zbog mene
06:37
because I had made him feel so safe and loved
121
381553
3178
jer se uz mene osjeća
toliko sigurno i voljeno
toliko sigurno i voljeno
06:40
that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,
122
384731
3123
da više ne osjeća potrebu
dokazivati se na Wall Streetu
dokazivati se na Wall Streetu
06:43
and he just wanted to get out of the city
123
387854
2515
te da sad samo želi otići iz grada,
06:46
and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,
124
390369
2978
maknuti se od svoje
zlostavljajuće disfunkcionalne obitelji
zlostavljajuće disfunkcionalne obitelji
06:49
and move to a tiny town in New England
125
393347
3122
i preseliti se u gradić u Novoj Engleskoj
06:52
where he could start his life over with me by his side.
126
396469
3573
gdje će moći uz mene
iznova započeti svoj život.
iznova započeti svoj život.
06:55
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,
127
400042
3866
Naravno, ja nisam željela otići
iz New Yorka
iz New Yorka
06:59
and my dream job,
128
403908
3607
i napustiti vlastiti posao iz snova,
07:03
but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,
129
407515
2583
ali smatrala sam da se
za srodnu dušu treba žrtvovati,
za srodnu dušu treba žrtvovati,
07:05
so I agreed, and I quit my job,
130
410098
3464
pa sam se složila i dala otkaz,
07:09
and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
131
413562
2631
Conor i ja zajedno smo
napustili Manhattan.
napustili Manhattan.
07:12
I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,
132
416193
4366
Nisam imala pojma da sam
na putu u poremećenu vrstu ljubavi,
na putu u poremećenu vrstu ljubavi,
07:16
that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid
133
420559
3632
da naglavce padam u pažljivo postavljenu
07:20
physical, financial and psychological trap.
134
424191
4980
fizičku, financijsku i psihološku stupicu.
07:25
The next step in the domestic violence pattern
135
429171
2320
Sljedeći korak u ponašanju zlostavljača
07:27
is to introduce the threat of violence
136
431491
4282
jest uvesti prijetnju nasiljem
07:31
and see how she reacts.
137
435773
2199
i vidjeti kako žrtva reagira.
07:33
And here's where those guns come in.
138
437972
2709
I tu ulaze u priču oni pištolji.
07:36
As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,
139
440681
2918
Čim smo se preselili
u Novu Englesku - znate,
u Novu Englesku - znate,
07:39
that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --
140
443599
2738
mjesto gdje se Connor
navodno osjećao tako sigurno -
navodno osjećao tako sigurno -
07:42
he bought three guns.
141
446337
2416
ponio je sa sobom tri pištolja.
07:44
He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.
142
448753
3440
Jedan je čuvao u pretincu našeg auta.
07:48
He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
143
452193
2656
Drugi je držao pod jastukom
na našem krevetu,
na našem krevetu,
07:50
and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.
144
454849
3162
a treći je stalno nosio u džepu.
07:53
And he said that he needed those guns
145
458011
2318
Rekao je da mu ti pištolji trebaju
07:56
because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.
146
460329
2796
zbog trauma koje je pretrpio kao dječak.
07:59
He needed them to feel protected.
147
463125
2484
Trebali su mu da bi se osjećao zaštićeno.
08:01
But those guns were really a message for me,
148
465609
2912
No, ti su pištolji zapravo
bili poruka meni
bili poruka meni
08:04
and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,
149
468521
2694
i iako još nije digao ruku na mene,
08:07
my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
150
471215
5806
život mi je već tad bio u opasnosti
svake minute svakog dana.
svake minute svakog dana.
08:12
Conor first physically attacked me
151
477021
3573
Connor me prvi puta fizički napao
08:16
five days before our wedding.
152
480594
2825
pet dana prije našeg vjenčanja.
08:19
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
153
483419
4192
Bilo je sedam ujutro,
ja sam još bila u spavaćici.
ja sam još bila u spavaćici.
08:23
I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,
154
487611
4240
Bila sam za računalom,
pokušavala završiti članak
pokušavala završiti članak
08:27
and I got frustrated,
155
491851
1814
i iživcirala sam se.
08:29
and Conor used my anger as an excuse
156
493665
3087
Conor je moj gnjev iskoristio kao povod
08:32
to put both of his hands around my neck
157
496752
3151
da stavi obje ruke oko moga vrata
08:35
and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,
158
499903
3820
i stisne ga tako čvrsto
da nisam mogla ni disati ni vrištati,
da nisam mogla ni disati ni vrištati,
08:39
and he used the chokehold
159
503723
1824
pa je tako me držeći
08:41
to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.
160
505547
4426
nekoliko puta udario mojom glavom o zid.
08:45
Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,
161
509973
5318
Pet dana kasnije, deset masnica
na mom vratu taman je izblijedjelo,
na mom vratu taman je izblijedjelo,
08:51
and I put on my mother's wedding dress,
162
515291
2475
ja sam obukla majčinu vjenčanicu
08:53
and I married him.
163
517766
2317
i udala se za njega.
08:55
Despite what had happened,
164
520083
2281
Unatoč tome što se dogodilo,
08:58
I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,
165
522364
3519
bila sam uvjerena da ćemo živjeti sretno
do kraja svojih života
do kraja svojih života
09:01
because I loved him, and he loved me so much.
166
525883
4081
jer sam ga voljela,
a i on je mene toliko volio
a i on je mene toliko volio
09:05
And he was very, very sorry.
167
529964
3372
i bilo mu je tako silno žao.
09:09
He had just been really stressed out by the wedding
168
533336
3173
Jednostavno je bio
pod velikim stresom zbog vjenčanja
pod velikim stresom zbog vjenčanja
09:12
and by becoming a family with me.
169
536509
2197
i zbog činjenice da ćemo postati obitelj.
09:14
It was an isolated incident,
170
538706
1721
Bio je to izolirani incident
09:16
and he was never going to hurt me again.
171
540427
3596
i nikada me više neće povrijediti.
09:19
It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
172
544023
2580
No, dogodilo se još dvaput
na medenom mjesecu.
na medenom mjesecu.
09:22
The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach
173
546603
3087
Prvi put, vozila sam se
u potrazi za zabačenom plažom
u potrazi za zabačenom plažom
09:25
and I got lost,
174
549690
2702
i izgubila se,
09:28
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
175
552392
2970
a on me šakom udario u glavu tako jako
09:31
that the other side of my head repeatedly hit
176
555362
2144
da sam drugom stranom
nekoliko puta udarila
nekoliko puta udarila
09:33
the driver's side window.
177
557506
2407
u staklo prozora na vozačevoj strani.
09:35
And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,
178
559913
3366
Zatim je, nekoliko dana poslije,
vraćajući se s medenog mjeseca,
vraćajući se s medenog mjeseca,
09:39
he got frustrated by traffic,
179
563279
2283
bio iživciran prometom,
09:41
and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
180
565562
3432
pa mi je bacio hladni Big Mac u lice.
09:44
Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week
181
568994
2608
Conor me nastavio tući
jednom do dva puta tjedno
jednom do dva puta tjedno
09:47
for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
182
571602
3417
tijekom sljedeće
dvije i pol godine našeg braka.
dvije i pol godine našeg braka.
09:50
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique
183
575019
3125
Bila sam u zabludi
misleći da sam jedinstvena
misleći da sam jedinstvena
09:54
and alone in this situation.
184
578144
2643
i jedina u takvoj situaciji.
09:56
One in three American women
185
580787
2191
Svaka treća Amerikanka
09:58
experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,
186
582978
4152
tijekom života postane žrtvom
obiteljskog nasilja ili uznemiravanja
obiteljskog nasilja ili uznemiravanja
10:03
and the CDC reports that 15 million children
187
587130
3641
a CDC izvještava o 15 milijuna djece
10:06
are abused every year, 15 million.
188
590771
3410
koje je svake godine
zlostavljano, čak 15 milijuna.
zlostavljano, čak 15 milijuna.
10:10
So actually, I was in very good company.
189
594181
4373
Dakle, zapravo nas je bilo jako puno.
10:14
Back to my question:
190
598554
2416
Vratimo se na moje pitanje:
10:16
Why did I stay?
191
600970
2495
Zašto sam ostala s njim?
10:19
The answer is easy.
192
603465
2738
Odgovor je jednostavan.
10:22
I didn't know he was abusing me.
193
606203
2688
Nisam bila svjesna da me zlostavlja.
10:24
Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,
194
608891
3848
Iako mi je uperio
napunjen pištolj u glavu,
napunjen pištolj u glavu,
10:28
pushed me down stairs,
195
612739
2223
gurnuo me niz stube,
10:30
threatened to kill our dog,
196
614962
1381
prijetio da će nam ubiti psa,
10:32
pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,
197
616343
3923
izvlačio ključ iz motora
dok sam vozila autocestom,
dok sam vozila autocestom,
10:36
poured coffee grinds on my head
198
620266
2517
istresao mi kavu na glavu
10:38
as I dressed for a job interview,
199
622783
2316
dok sam se oblačila za razgovor za posao,
10:40
I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.
200
625099
4370
nikad se nisam vidjela
kao zlostavljanu ženu.
kao zlostavljanu ženu.
10:45
Instead, I was a very strong woman
201
629469
3577
Umjesto toga, mislila sam
da sam veoma snažna žena
da sam veoma snažna žena
10:48
in love with a deeply troubled man,
202
633046
2252
koja voli jednog teškog muškarca,
10:51
and I was the only person on Earth
203
635298
2057
kao i da sam jedina osoba na svijetu
10:53
who could help Conor face his demons.
204
637355
3440
koja može pomoći Conoru
da pobijedi svoje demone.
da pobijedi svoje demone.
10:56
The other question everybody asks is,
205
640795
3711
Drugo pitanje koje svi uvijek postavljaju:
11:00
why doesn't she just leave?
206
644506
2417
zašto jednostavno ne ode?
11:02
Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.
207
646923
3951
Zašto nisam otišla?
Mogla sam otići u bilo kojem trenutku.
Mogla sam otići u bilo kojem trenutku.
11:06
To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,
208
650874
4712
Za mene je ovo najtužnije i najbolnije
pitanje koje ljudi postavljaju
pitanje koje ljudi postavljaju
11:11
because we victims know something you usually don't:
209
655586
3091
jer mi žrtve zlostavljanja znamo
nešto što vi obično ne znate:
nešto što vi obično ne znate:
11:14
It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.
210
658677
4393
užasno je opasno
napustiti zlostavljača
napustiti zlostavljača
11:18
Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern
211
663070
3319
jer je zadnja faza ponašanja zlostavljača
11:22
is kill her.
212
666389
2895
ubojstvo žrtve.
11:25
Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders
213
669284
2541
Preko 70% ubojstava
uzrokovanih obiteljskim naslijem
uzrokovanih obiteljskim naslijem
11:27
happen after the victim has ended the relationship,
214
671825
4068
dogodi se nakon što žrtva prekine vezu,
11:31
after she's gotten out,
215
675893
1893
nakon što se izvuče
11:33
because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.
216
677786
3251
jer tada zlostavljač
više nema što izgubiti.
više nema što izgubiti.
11:36
Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
217
681037
3091
Druge posljedice uključuju
dugotrajno vrebanje i uznemiravanje,
dugotrajno vrebanje i uznemiravanje,
11:40
even after the abuser remarries;
218
684128
2952
čak i nakon što se
zlostavljač ponovno oženi;
zlostavljač ponovno oženi;
11:42
denial of financial resources;
219
687080
2155
zatim uskraćivanje financijskih sredstava
11:45
and manipulation of the family court system
220
689235
2389
i manipulacija sudskim sustavom
11:47
to terrify the victim and her children,
221
691624
2823
u svrhu zastrašivanja žrtve
i njezine djece
i njezine djece
11:50
who are regularly forced by family court judges
222
694447
4926
koju suci obiteljskog suda
redovito prisiljavaju
redovito prisiljavaju
11:55
to spend unsupervised time
223
699373
1969
da provode vrijeme bez nadzora
11:57
with the man who beat their mother.
224
701342
3671
s čovjekom koji je tukao njihovu majku.
12:00
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
225
705013
4175
A mi još uvijek pitamo,
zašto jednostavno ne ode?
zašto jednostavno ne ode?
12:05
I was able to leave,
226
709188
1754
Ja sam uspjela otići
12:06
because of one final, sadistic beating
227
710942
2902
zbog jednog, zadnjeg,
sadističkog premlaćivanja
sadističkog premlaćivanja
12:09
that broke through my denial.
228
713844
3159
koje me konačno osvijestilo.
12:12
I realized that the man who I loved so much
229
717003
3170
Shvatila sam da će me
muškarac kojeg sam toliko voljela
muškarac kojeg sam toliko voljela
12:16
was going to kill me if I let him.
230
720173
2910
ubiti ako mu to dopustim.
12:18
So I broke the silence.
231
723083
2515
Zato sam prekinula šutnju.
12:21
I told everyone:
232
725598
2830
Rekla sam svima:
12:24
the police, my neighbors,
233
728428
3785
policiji, susjedima,
12:28
my friends and family, total strangers,
234
732213
3840
prijateljima, obitelji, potpunim stranicma
12:31
and I'm here today because you all helped me.
235
736053
6854
I danas sam ovdje
jer ste mi svi vi pomogli.
jer ste mi svi vi pomogli.
12:38
We tend to stereotype victims
236
742907
2538
Obično imamo stereotipnu
predodžbu o žrtvama
predodžbu o žrtvama
12:41
as grisly headlines,
237
745445
3062
kao protagonisticama groznih
naslova u novinama,
naslova u novinama,
12:44
self-destructive women, damaged goods.
238
748507
3296
kao autodestruktivnim ženama,
oštećenom robom.
oštećenom robom.
12:47
The question, "Why does she stay?"
239
751803
3003
Pitanjem "Zašto ostaje s njim?"
12:50
is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"
240
754806
5636
neki zapravo žele reći:
";Sama si je kriva kad je ostala."
";Sama si je kriva kad je ostala."
12:56
as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men
241
760442
3324
kao da se žrtve namjerno
zaljubljuju u muškarce
zaljubljuju u muškarce
12:59
intent upon destroying us.
242
763766
2632
koji ih žele uništiti.
13:02
But since publishing "Crazy Love,"
243
766398
2504
Nakon što sam objavila
knjigu "Poremećena ljubav",
knjigu "Poremećena ljubav",
13:04
I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women
244
768902
3523
čula sam stotine priča muškaraca i žena
13:08
who also got out,
245
772425
2445
koji su i sami izašli iz loših veza,
13:10
who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,
246
774870
4380
koji su i sami naučili vrijednu lekciju
iz onoga što im se dogodilo,
iz onoga što im se dogodilo,
13:15
and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --
247
779250
4213
te koji su ponovno izgradili svoje živote,
sretne živote pune radosti,
sretne živote pune radosti,
13:19
as employees, wives and mothers,
248
783463
2334
kao zaposlenici, supruge i majke
13:21
lives completely free of violence, like me.
249
785797
4681
te žive potpuno slobodni
od nasilja - poput mene
od nasilja - poput mene
13:26
Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim
250
790478
4031
Jer se ispostavilo da sam ja zapravo
tipična žrtva obiteljskog nasilja
tipična žrtva obiteljskog nasilja
13:30
and a typical domestic violence survivor.
251
794509
3444
te tipična predstavnica onih
koji su preživjeli obiteljsko nasilje.
koji su preživjeli obiteljsko nasilje.
13:33
I remarried a kind and gentle man,
252
797953
4025
Ponovno sam se udala,
za nježnog i dobrog muškarca
za nježnog i dobrog muškarca
13:37
and we have those three kids.
253
801978
2336
i imamo onih spomenutih troje djece,
13:40
I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.
254
804314
3401
onog crnog labradora i onaj automobil.
13:43
What I will never have again,
255
807715
3466
Ono što nikad više neću imati,
13:47
ever,
256
811181
2958
nikad,
13:50
is a loaded gun held to my head
257
814139
2125
jest uperen pištolj u glavu
13:52
by someone who says that he loves me.
258
816264
3643
koji drži netko tko tvrdi da me voli.
13:55
Right now, maybe you're thinking,
259
819907
2631
Trenutno možda mislite:
13:58
"Wow, this is fascinating,"
260
822538
1907
"Ovo je fascinantno."
14:00
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
261
824445
3128
Ili možda "Kako je bila glupa",
14:03
but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.
262
827573
6003
no ja sam zapravo cijelo
ovo vrijeme govorila o vama.
ovo vrijeme govorila o vama.
14:09
I promise you there are several people
263
833576
3517
Obećajem vam da ima ljudi
14:12
listening to me right now
264
837093
1742
koji me trenutno slušaju, a
14:14
who are currently being abused
265
838835
3012
koji su trenutno zlostavljani,
14:17
or who were abused as children
266
841847
2515
ili su bili zlostavljani kao djeca
14:20
or who are abusers themselves.
267
844362
3370
ili su i sami zlostavljači.
14:23
Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
268
847732
1937
Žrtvom nasilja može
postati vaša kći,
postati vaša kći,
14:25
your sister, your best friend right now.
269
849669
5293
sestra ili najbolja prijateljica.
14:30
I was able to end my own crazy love story
270
854962
3444
Ja sam svoju poremećenu
ljubavnu priču uspjela prekinuti
ljubavnu priču uspjela prekinuti
14:34
by breaking the silence.
271
858406
2201
tako što sam prekinula šutnju.
14:36
I'm still breaking the silence today.
272
860607
2515
Danas još uvijek prekidam šutnju.
14:39
It's my way of helping other victims,
273
863122
3816
Na taj način nastojim
pomoći drugim žrtvama,
pomoći drugim žrtvama,
14:42
and it's my final request of you.
274
866938
3368
a to je i moja završna molba upućena vama.
14:46
Talk about what you heard here.
275
870306
2832
Govorite o onome što ste ovdje čuli.
14:49
Abuse thrives only in silence.
276
873138
3328
Zlostavljanje uspijeva samo u tišini.
14:52
You have the power to end domestic violence
277
876466
3703
Imate moć prekinuti
zlostavljanje u obitelji
zlostavljanje u obitelji
14:56
simply by shining a spotlight on it.
278
880169
3509
jednostavnim ukazivanjem na njega.
14:59
We victims need everyone.
279
883678
3074
Mi žrtve trebamo svakoga.
15:02
We need every one of you to understand
280
886752
4073
Trebamo da svatko od vas razumije
15:06
the secrets of domestic violence.
281
890825
3778
tajne obiteljskog nasilja.
15:10
Show abuse the light of day by talking about it
282
894603
2984
Ukažite na zlostavljanje
tako što ćete o njemu razgovarati
tako što ćete o njemu razgovarati
15:13
with your children, your coworkers,
283
897587
2127
sa svojom djecom i kolegama,
15:15
your friends and family.
284
899714
1937
svojom obitelji i prijateljima.
15:17
Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people
285
901651
3446
Prikažite one koji su preživjeli
obiteljsko nasilje kao divne ljude
obiteljsko nasilje kao divne ljude
15:20
with full futures.
286
905097
2815
sa sjajnom budućnosti.
15:23
Recognize the early signs of violence
287
907912
3481
Prepoznajte rane znakove zlostavljanja
15:27
and conscientiously intervene,
288
911393
2833
i savjesno intervennirajte,
15:30
deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.
289
914226
4162
umanjite ga, pokažite
žrtvama siguran izlaz.
žrtvama siguran izlaz.
15:34
Together we can make our beds,
290
918388
3995
Zajedno možemo učiniti svoje postelje,
15:38
our dinner tables and our families
291
922383
3617
zajedničke stolove i obitelji
15:41
the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
292
926000
3257
oazama mira i sigurnosti
kakve bi i trebale biti.
kakve bi i trebale biti.
15:45
Thank you.
293
929257
1972
Hvala vam.
15:47
(Applause)
294
931229
7708
(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - WriterLeslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.
Why you should listen
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.
Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.
Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com