TEDxRainier
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
Lesli Morgan Štajner (Leslie Morgan Steiner): Zašto žrtve nasilja u porodici ne odu
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5,800,883 views
Lesli Morgan Šrajner bila je "ludo zaljubljena" u čoveka koji ju je svakodnevno zlostavljao i doveo njen život u opasnost. Štajner priča mračnu priču svoje veze, ispravljajući krivu sliku koju mnogi ljudi imaju o žrtvama nasilja u porodici i objašnjavajući kako možemo da pomognemo da se prekine ćutanje. (Snimljeno na TEDxRainier.)
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,
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Danas sam ovde da bih govorila
o jednom uznemiravajućem pitanju
o jednom uznemiravajućem pitanju
00:19
which has an equally disturbing answer.
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na koje je odgovor podjednako
uznemiravajući.
uznemiravajući.
00:23
My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,
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Moja tema su tajne nasilja u porodici,
00:27
and the question I'm going to tackle
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a pitanje kojim ću se baviti
00:29
is the one question everyone always asks:
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je pitanje koje svako od nas
redovno postavi:
redovno postavi:
00:33
Why does she stay?
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zašto ona i dalje ostaje?
00:35
Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?
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Zašto bi ijedna žena ostajala
sa muškarcem koji je bije?
sa muškarcem koji je bije?
00:39
I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker
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Nisam psihijatar, socijalni radnik,
00:42
or an expert in domestic violence.
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niti ekspert za nasilje u porodici.
00:44
I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
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Ja sam samo žena sa pričom.
00:47
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.
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Imala sam 22 godine.
Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu.
Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu.
00:52
I had moved to New York City for my first job
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Preselila sam se u Njujork
zbog svog prvog posla
zbog svog prvog posla
00:54
as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.
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kao pisac i urednik magazina Seventeen.
00:57
I had my first apartment,
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Imala sam svoj prvi stan,
01:00
my first little green American Express card,
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imala sam svoju prvu kreditnu karticu
01:03
and I had a very big secret.
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i imala sam jednu veliku tajnu.
01:06
My secret was that I had this gun
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Moja tajna je bila da mi je čovek
01:10
loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head
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koga sam smatrala srodnom dušom
01:13
by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
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držao pištolj napunjen mecima uz glavu
01:16
many, many times.
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mnogo, mnogo puta.
01:19
The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth
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Čovek koga sam volela najviše na svetu
01:23
held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me
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držao mi je pištolj uz glavu
i pretio da će me ubiti
i pretio da će me ubiti
01:27
more times than I can even remember.
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više puta nego što mogu da se setim.
01:30
I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,
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Ovde sam da vam ispričam priču
o jednoj ludoj ljubavi,
o jednoj ludoj ljubavi,
01:33
a psychological trap disguised as love,
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o jednoj psihološkoj zamci
prerušenoj u ljubav,
prerušenoj u ljubav,
01:36
one that millions of women and even a few men
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zamci u koju milioni žena i muškaraca
01:39
fall into every year.
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upadaju svake godine.
01:41
It may even be your story.
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Možda je to i vaša priča.
01:44
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.
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Ne izgledam kao većina žena
koje su preživele porodično nasilje.
koje su preživele porodično nasilje.
01:47
I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,
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Diplomirala sam engleski na Harvardu
01:49
an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.
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i imam titulu mastera iz marketinga
Poslovne škole Vorton.
Poslovne škole Vorton.
01:52
I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies
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Veći deo karijere provela sam radeći za kompanije
koje su među 500 najboljih u Americi,
koje su među 500 najboljih u Americi,
01:55
including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.
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uključujući Džonson i Džonson,
Lio Barnet i Vašington post.
Lio Barnet i Vašington post.
01:59
I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband
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U braku sam skoro 20 godina
sa svojim drugim mužem
sa svojim drugim mužem
02:03
and we have three kids together.
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i imamo troje dece.
02:06
My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.
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Imam psa, crnog labradora
i vozim kombi Honda Odisej.
i vozim kombi Honda Odisej.
02:10
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:12
So my first message for you is that domestic violence
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Dakle, moja prva poruka za vas
jeste da se nasilje u porodici
jeste da se nasilje u porodici
02:15
happens to everyone --
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dešava svima -
02:18
all races, all religions, all income and education levels.
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bez obzira na rasu, religiju,
prihod, obrazovanje.
prihod, obrazovanje.
02:22
It's everywhere.
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Ono je svuda.
02:24
And my second message is that everyone thinks
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Moja druga poruka je da svi misle da se
02:26
domestic violence happens to women,
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nasilje u porodici dešava ženama,
02:28
that it's a women's issue.
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da je to problem žena.
02:31
Not exactly.
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A to nije baš tako.
02:33
Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse
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Preko 85 procenata zlostavljača su muškarci,
a ova vrsta nasilja
a ova vrsta nasilja
02:37
happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,
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se dešava isključivo u prisnim,
međuzavisnim, dugoročnim vezama,
međuzavisnim, dugoročnim vezama,
02:43
in other words, in families,
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drugom rečju, u porodici,
02:45
the last place we would want or expect to find violence,
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a to je poslednje mesto gde bismo želeli
ili očekivali da se susretnemo s nasiljem,
ili očekivali da se susretnemo s nasiljem,
02:49
which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
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upravo zbog toga je nasilje
u porodici toliko zbunjujuće.
u porodici toliko zbunjujuće.
02:53
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth
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Rekla bih da sam poslednja osoba na planeti
02:57
who would stay with a man who beats me,
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koja bi ostala s muškarcem koji je bije,
02:59
but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.
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ali sam u stvari bila veoma uobičajena žrtva
zbog svojih godina.
zbog svojih godina.
03:03
I was 22, and in the United States,
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Imala sam 22 godine, a žene
03:06
women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
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između 16 i 24 godine u Americi su
u tri puta većoj
u tri puta većoj
03:10
to be domestic violence victims
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opasnosti da postanu žrtve
porodičnog nasilja
porodičnog nasilja
03:13
as women of other ages,
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od žena druge starosti
03:15
and over 500 women and girls this age
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i preko 500 žena i devojaka ove starosti
03:19
are killed every year by abusive partners,
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biva ubijeno u Americi svake godine
od strane svojih
od strane svojih
03:22
boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
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partnera i muževa koji ih zlostavljaju.
03:27
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing
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Ja sam takođe bila veoma uobičajena žrtva
zato što nisam znala ništa
zato što nisam znala ništa
03:30
about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
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o nasilju u porodici, znacima upozorenja
ili obrascima ponašanja.
ili obrascima ponašanja.
03:35
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.
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Konora sam upoznala jedne hladne,
kišne, januarske noći.
kišne, januarske noći.
03:40
He sat next to me on the New York City subway,
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Seo je pored mene u njujorškom metrou
03:43
and he started chatting me up.
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i započeo razgovor.
03:45
He told me two things.
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Rekao mi je dve stvari.
03:47
One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,
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Prva je bila da je i on upravo završio jedan
od najprestižnijih univerziteta u Americi
od najprestižnijih univerziteta u Americi
03:50
and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.
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i da trenutno radi u jednoj veoma
impresivnoj banci na Volstritu.
impresivnoj banci na Volstritu.
03:55
But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting
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Ali ono što je na mene ostavilo najveći utisak
prilikom tog prvog susreta
prilikom tog prvog susreta
03:58
was that he was smart and funny
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bilo je to što je bio pametan i zabavan
04:02
and he looked like a farm boy.
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i što je izgledao kao dečko sa sela.
04:03
He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks
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Imao je velike obraze,
nalik jabukama
nalik jabukama
04:05
and this wheat-blond hair,
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i kosu boje pšenice
04:07
and he seemed so sweet.
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i delovao je jako fino.
04:10
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,
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Jedna od najpametnijih stvari
koje je Konor uradio od samog početka
koje je Konor uradio od samog početka
04:14
was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.
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bila je to što je stvorio iluziju da sam ja
dominantan partner u našem odnosu.
dominantan partner u našem odnosu.
04:20
He did this especially at the beginning
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Na početku je ovo radio
04:22
by idolizing me.
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obožavajući me.
04:25
We started dating, and he loved everything about me,
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Počeli smo da izlazimo
i on je voleo sve u vezi sa mnom,
i on je voleo sve u vezi sa mnom,
04:28
that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,
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to što sam bila pametna,
što sam išla na Harvard,
što sam išla na Harvard,
04:30
that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.
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moju strast ka pomaganju tinejdžerkama
i strast prema svom poslu.
i strast prema svom poslu.
04:33
He wanted to know everything about my family
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Želeo je da zna sve o mojoj porodici,
04:35
and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
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detinjstvu, snovima i nadama.
04:38
Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,
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Konor je verovao u mene,
kako u pisca tako i u ženu,
kako u pisca tako i u ženu,
04:42
in a way that no one else ever had.
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na način na koji niko drugi do tada nije.
04:45
And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us
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On je takođe stvorio magičnu atmosferu
poverenja među nama
poverenja među nama
04:50
by confessing his secret,
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poveravajući mi svoju tajnu
04:52
which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,
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da ga je kao dečaka,
od njegove četvrte godine,
od njegove četvrte godine,
04:57
he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused
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zverski i neprestano fizički zlostavljo
04:59
by his stepfather,
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njegov očuh
05:01
and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,
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i da je to zlostavljanje postalo toliko loše
da je morao da napusti školu u osmom razredu
da je morao da napusti školu u osmom razredu
05:05
even though he was very smart,
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iako je bio veoma pametan
05:08
and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.
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i skoro 20 godina proveo je
gradeći svoj život iznova.
gradeći svoj život iznova.
05:11
Which is why that Ivy League degree
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To je bi razlog zašto su mu diploma
jednog od najprestižnijih univerziteta,
jednog od najprestižnijih univerziteta,
05:14
and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future
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posao na Volstritu i njegova blistava budućnost
05:17
meant so much to him.
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toliko značili.
05:20
If you had told me
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Da ste mi rekli
05:22
that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me
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da će ovaj pametan, zabavan, osećajan čovek
koji me je obožavao
koji me je obožavao
05:27
would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,
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jednog dana odlučivati
da li ću se šminkati ili ne,
da li ću se šminkati ili ne,
05:31
how short my skirts were,
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koliko će biti duga moja suknja,
05:33
where I lived, what jobs I took,
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gde živim, šta radim,
05:35
who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,
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ko su mi prijatelji i gde provodim Božić,
05:39
I would have laughed at you,
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ismejala bih vas,
05:41
because there was not a hint of violence or control
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jer nije bilo ni znaka nasilničkog ponašanja
ili kontrolisanja
ili kontrolisanja
05:44
or anger in Conor at the beginning.
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ili besa u Konoru na početku.
05:47
I didn't know that the first stage
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Nisam znala da je prva faza
05:50
in any domestic violence relationship
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u bilo kom odnosu
koji uključuje nasilje u porodici
koji uključuje nasilje u porodici
05:53
is to seduce and charm the victim.
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zavođenje i šarmiranje žrtve.
05:56
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.
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Takođe nisam znala
da je drugi korak izdvajanje žrtve.
da je drugi korak izdvajanje žrtve.
06:01
Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,
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Konor nije došao kući jednog dana i izjavio:
06:05
"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,
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"Znaš, sve ovo s Romeom i Julijom
što smo imali je bilo super,
što smo imali je bilo super,
06:08
but I need to move into the next phase
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ali moram da krenem dalje
06:10
where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —
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i sada ću da te odvojim od društva i zlostavljam",
- (Smeh) -
- (Smeh) -
06:15
"so I need to get you out of this apartment
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"tako da te molim da napustiš ovaj stan
06:16
where the neighbors can hear you scream
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gde komšije mogu da te čuju kako vrištiš
06:18
and out of this city where you have friends and family
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i da odemo iz ovog grada
gde imaš prijatelje i porodicu
gde imaš prijatelje i porodicu
06:20
and coworkers who can see the bruises."
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i kolege koje mogu da vide modrice."
06:23
Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening
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Umesto toga, Konor je došao kući
u petak uveče jednog dana
u petak uveče jednog dana
06:28
and he told me that he had quit his job that day,
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i rekao mi da je taj dan
napustio svoj posao,
napustio svoj posao,
06:30
his dream job,
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svoj posao iz snova,
06:33
and he said that he had quit his job because of me,
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i rekao je da je učinio to zbog mene,
06:37
because I had made him feel so safe and loved
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jer se sa mnom osećao
toliko sigurno i voljeno
toliko sigurno i voljeno
06:40
that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,
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da nije više morao
da se dokazuje na Volstritu
da se dokazuje na Volstritu
06:43
and he just wanted to get out of the city
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i da sada samo želi da napusti grad,
06:46
and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,
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ode daleko od svoje disfunkcionalne porodice
koja ga je zlostavljala
koja ga je zlostavljala
06:49
and move to a tiny town in New England
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i preseli se u mali grad u Novoj Engleskoj
06:52
where he could start his life over with me by his side.
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gde će započeti svoj život sa mnom.
06:55
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,
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Poslednja stvar koju sam želela da uradim
bila je da napustim Njujork
bila je da napustim Njujork
06:59
and my dream job,
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i svoj posao iz snova,
07:03
but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,
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ali sam mislila da se ljudi žrtvuju
zarad svoje srodne duše,
zarad svoje srodne duše,
07:05
so I agreed, and I quit my job,
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pa sam pristala i napustila posao
07:09
and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
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i Konor i ja smo napustili Menheten zajedno.
07:12
I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,
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Nisam imala pojma da me čeka
jedna luda ljubav,
jedna luda ljubav,
07:16
that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid
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da sam upravo ušetala u pažljivo isplaniranu
07:20
physical, financial and psychological trap.
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fizičku, finansijsku i psihološku zamku.
07:25
The next step in the domestic violence pattern
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Sledeći korak u porodičnom nasilju
07:27
is to introduce the threat of violence
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je uvođenje straha od nasilja
07:31
and see how she reacts.
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i osmatranje reakcije.
07:33
And here's where those guns come in.
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I tu su na scenu došli pištolji.
07:36
As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,
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Čim smo se preselili u Novu Englesku
- znate,
- znate,
07:39
that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --
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ono mesto gde je Konor trebalo
da se oseća sigurnim -
da se oseća sigurnim -
07:42
he bought three guns.
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kupio je tri pištolja.
07:44
He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.
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Jedan je držao u pretincu u kolima.
07:48
He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
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Drugi je držao pod jastukom
u našem krevetu,
u našem krevetu,
07:50
and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.
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a treći je sve vreme nosio sa sobom u džepu.
07:53
And he said that he needed those guns
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I rekao je da su mu ta tri pištolja
bila potrebna
bila potrebna
07:56
because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.
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zbog traume koju je preživeo kao dečak.
07:59
He needed them to feel protected.
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Bili su mu potrebni
da bi se osećao zaštićeno.
da bi se osećao zaštićeno.
08:01
But those guns were really a message for me,
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Ali ti pištolji su u stvari
bili poruka za mene,
bili poruka za mene,
08:04
and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,
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da je, iako nije podigao ruku na mene,
08:07
my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
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moj život svakog minuta, svakog dana
bio u smrtnoj opasnosti.
bio u smrtnoj opasnosti.
08:12
Conor first physically attacked me
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Konor me je prvi put fizički napao
08:16
five days before our wedding.
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pet dana pre našeg venčanja.
08:19
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
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Bilo je 7 sati ujutru i još sam bila u spavaćici.
08:23
I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,
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Radila sam na svom kompjuteru
pokušavajući da završim honorarni tekst
pokušavajući da završim honorarni tekst
08:27
and I got frustrated,
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i nervirala sam se
08:29
and Conor used my anger as an excuse
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i Konor je iskoristio moj bes kao izgovor
08:32
to put both of his hands around my neck
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da obe svoje ruke stavi oko mog vrata
08:35
and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,
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i stegne toliko jako da nisam mogla
da ni da dišem ni da vrištim
da ni da dišem ni da vrištim
08:39
and he used the chokehold
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i držao me je tako
08:41
to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.
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udarajući mi glavu o zid iznova i iznova.
08:45
Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,
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Pet dana kasnije, deset modrica
na mom vratu je tek izbledelo
na mom vratu je tek izbledelo
08:51
and I put on my mother's wedding dress,
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i obukla sam venčanicu svoje majke
08:53
and I married him.
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i udala sam se za njega.
08:55
Despite what had happened,
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Uprkos onome što se desilo,
08:58
I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,
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bila sam sigurna da ćemo živeti
srećno do kraja
srećno do kraja
09:01
because I loved him, and he loved me so much.
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jer sam ga volela i on me je mnogo voleo.
09:05
And he was very, very sorry.
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A njemu je bilo veoma, veoma žao.
09:09
He had just been really stressed out by the wedding
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Bio je pod velikim stresom zbog venčanja
09:12
and by becoming a family with me.
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i zbog toga što ćemo postati porodica.
09:14
It was an isolated incident,
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Bio je to izolovani incident
09:16
and he was never going to hurt me again.
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i nikada me više neće povrediti.
09:19
It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
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Uradio je to još dva puta
na našem medenom mesecu.
na našem medenom mesecu.
09:22
The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach
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Prvi put sam vozila pokušavajući
da pronađem skrivenu plažu
da pronađem skrivenu plažu
09:25
and I got lost,
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i izgubila sam se,
09:28
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
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udario mi je glavu tolikom jačinom sa strane
09:31
that the other side of my head repeatedly hit
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da mi je glava nekoliko puta udarila
09:33
the driver's side window.
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u prozor s druge strane.
09:35
And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,
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Nekoliko dana kasnije,
u povratku sa medenog meseca,
u povratku sa medenog meseca,
09:39
he got frustrated by traffic,
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iznervirao se zbog saobraćaja
09:41
and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
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i bacio mi je hladan Big Mek u lice.
09:44
Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week
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Konor je nastavio da me bije jednom
ili dva puta nedeljno
ili dva puta nedeljno
09:47
for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
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sledeće dve i po godine našeg braka.
09:50
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique
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Grešila sam kada sam mislila da sam jedina
09:54
and alone in this situation.
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i sama u ovoj situaciji.
09:56
One in three American women
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Jedna od tri žene u Americi
09:58
experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,
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je žrtva nasilja u porodici
ili uhođenja u nekom trenutku života.
ili uhođenja u nekom trenutku života.
10:03
and the CDC reports that 15 million children
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Državni zdravstveni centar tvrdi
da je 15 miliona dece
da je 15 miliona dece
10:06
are abused every year, 15 million.
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zlostavljano svake godine, 15 miliona.
10:10
So actually, I was in very good company.
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Dakle, u stvari, bila sam
u veoma dobrom društvu.
u veoma dobrom društvu.
10:14
Back to my question:
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Da se vratim na sopstveno pitanje:
10:16
Why did I stay?
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zašto sam ostala?
10:19
The answer is easy.
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Odgovor je jednostavan.
10:22
I didn't know he was abusing me.
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Nisam znala da me zlostavlja.
10:24
Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,
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Iako je prislanjao napunjen pištolj
uz moju glavu,
uz moju glavu,
10:28
pushed me down stairs,
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gurnuo me niz stepenice,
10:30
threatened to kill our dog,
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pretio da će ubiti našeg psa,
10:32
pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,
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izvukao ključ iz brave
dok sam vozila autoputem,
dok sam vozila autoputem,
10:36
poured coffee grinds on my head
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prosuo mi mlevenu kafu po glavi
10:38
as I dressed for a job interview,
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kada sam bila obučena
za razgovor na posao,
za razgovor na posao,
10:40
I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.
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nikada za sebe nisam pomislila
da sam ja zlostavljana žena.
da sam ja zlostavljana žena.
10:45
Instead, I was a very strong woman
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Umesto toga, bila sam veoma jaka žena,
10:48
in love with a deeply troubled man,
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zaljubljena u čoveka sa velikim problemima
10:51
and I was the only person on Earth
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i bila sam jedina osoba na planeti
10:53
who could help Conor face his demons.
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koja je mogla da pomogne Konoru
da se suoči sa svojim demonima.
da se suoči sa svojim demonima.
10:56
The other question everybody asks is,
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Drugo pitanje koje svako pita je:
11:00
why doesn't she just leave?
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zašto ona prosto ne ode?
11:02
Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.
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Zašto nisam otišla?
Mogla sam da odem u bilo kom trenutku.
Mogla sam da odem u bilo kom trenutku.
11:06
To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,
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Za mene, ovo je najtužnije i najbolnije pitanje
koje mi ljudi postavljaju,
koje mi ljudi postavljaju,
11:11
because we victims know something you usually don't:
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zato što mi žrtve znamo nešto
što vi uglavnom ne znate:
što vi uglavnom ne znate:
11:14
It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.
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neverovatno je opasno napustiti zlostavljača.
11:18
Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern
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Zato što je krajnji korak
u šablonu porodičnog nasilja
u šablonu porodičnog nasilja
11:22
is kill her.
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da muškarac ubije ženu.
11:25
Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders
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Preko 70 procenata ubistava
u slučaju porodičnog nasilja
u slučaju porodičnog nasilja
11:27
happen after the victim has ended the relationship,
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dešava se nakon što je žrtva okončala vezu
11:31
after she's gotten out,
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i izvukla se
11:33
because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.
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jer tada zlostavljač nema više šta da izgubi.
11:36
Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
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Drugi ishodi su dugoročno uhođenje,
11:40
even after the abuser remarries;
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čak iako se zlostavljač ponovo oženi;
11:42
denial of financial resources;
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odbijanje pristupa finansijskim sredstvima;
11:45
and manipulation of the family court system
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manipulacija sistema porodičnog suda
11:47
to terrify the victim and her children,
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kako bi se zastrašili žrtva i njena deca,
11:50
who are regularly forced by family court judges
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koju uobičajeno sudije prisiljavaju
11:55
to spend unsupervised time
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da bez nadzora provode vreme
11:57
with the man who beat their mother.
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s čovekom koji je tukao njihovu majku.
12:00
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
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Ali i dalje, mi pitamo,
zašto ona prosto ne ode?
zašto ona prosto ne ode?
12:05
I was able to leave,
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Ja sam uspela da odem,
12:06
because of one final, sadistic beating
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zbog jednog konačnog,
sadističkog prebijanja
sadističkog prebijanja
12:09
that broke through my denial.
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koje je pobedilo moje poricanje.
12:12
I realized that the man who I loved so much
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Shvatila sam da će čovek
koga sam toliko volela
koga sam toliko volela
12:16
was going to kill me if I let him.
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da me ubije ako mu to dozvolim.
12:18
So I broke the silence.
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Nisam više ćutala.
12:21
I told everyone:
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Rekla sam svima:
12:24
the police, my neighbors,
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policiji, komšijama,
12:28
my friends and family, total strangers,
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mojim prijateljima i porodici,
potpunim strancima
potpunim strancima
12:31
and I'm here today because you all helped me.
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i evo me danas ovde,
zato što ste mi svi vi pomogli.
zato što ste mi svi vi pomogli.
12:38
We tend to stereotype victims
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Imamo običaj da stvaramo
stereotipe o žrtvama
stereotipe o žrtvama
12:41
as grisly headlines,
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kao što su grozne titule,
12:44
self-destructive women, damaged goods.
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samodestruktivna žena, oštećena roba.
12:47
The question, "Why does she stay?"
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Pitanje: "Zašto ona ostaje?",
12:50
is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"
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za neke ljude istovremeno znači:
"Ona je kriva što ostaje",
"Ona je kriva što ostaje",
12:56
as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men
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kao da žrtve namerno biraju
da se zaljube u muškarce
da se zaljube u muškarce
12:59
intent upon destroying us.
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odlučne da ih unište.
13:02
But since publishing "Crazy Love,"
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Ali od objavljivanja "Lude ljubavi"
13:04
I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women
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čula sam stotine priča muškaraca i žena
13:08
who also got out,
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koji su se takođe izvukli,
13:10
who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,
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koji su naučili neprocenjivu životnu lekciju
iz onoga što se desilo
iz onoga što se desilo
13:15
and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --
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i koji su iznova izgradili svoje živote
- radosne, srećne živote -
- radosne, srećne živote -
13:19
as employees, wives and mothers,
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kao radnice, žene i majke,
13:21
lives completely free of violence, like me.
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bez nasilja u životu, kao i ja.
13:26
Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim
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Ispostavilo se da sam ja, u stvari,
veoma uobičajena žrtva porodičnog nasilja
veoma uobičajena žrtva porodičnog nasilja
13:30
and a typical domestic violence survivor.
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i veoma tipična osoba
koja je preživela to nasilje.
koja je preživela to nasilje.
13:33
I remarried a kind and gentle man,
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Udala sam se za ljubaznog i nežnog čoveka
13:37
and we have those three kids.
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i imamo ono troje dece
koje sam spomenula.
koje sam spomenula.
13:40
I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.
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Imam crnog labradora i mali kombi.
13:43
What I will never have again,
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Ono što nikada,
13:47
ever,
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nikada više neću imati,
13:50
is a loaded gun held to my head
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je da neko ko tvrdi da me voli
13:52
by someone who says that he loves me.
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drži napunjeni pištolj prislonjen uz moju glavu.
13:55
Right now, maybe you're thinking,
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Možda upravo sada mislite:
13:58
"Wow, this is fascinating,"
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"O, ovo je fascinantno",
14:00
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
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ili "o, kako je ona bila glupa",
14:03
but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.
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ali sve ovo vreme,
ja sam u stvari govorila o vama.
ja sam u stvari govorila o vama.
14:09
I promise you there are several people
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Obećavam vam da ima nekoliko ljudi
14:12
listening to me right now
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koji me upravo slušaju,
14:14
who are currently being abused
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a koji su trenutno žrtve nasilja
14:17
or who were abused as children
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ili koji su bili zlostavljani kao deca
14:20
or who are abusers themselves.
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ili koji su sami zlostavljači.
14:23
Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
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U ovom trenutku žrtve zlostavljanja
mogu biti vaša ćerka,
mogu biti vaša ćerka,
14:25
your sister, your best friend right now.
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vaša sestra, vaš najbolji prijatelj.
14:30
I was able to end my own crazy love story
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Uspela sam da okončam
svoju ludu ljubavnu priču
svoju ludu ljubavnu priču
14:34
by breaking the silence.
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time što više nisam ćutala.
14:36
I'm still breaking the silence today.
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I ne ćutim ni danas.
14:39
It's my way of helping other victims,
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Ovo je moj način
da pomognem drugim žrtvama
da pomognem drugim žrtvama
14:42
and it's my final request of you.
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i to je poslednja stvar
koju ću tražiti od vas.
koju ću tražiti od vas.
14:46
Talk about what you heard here.
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Govorite o onome što ste čuli ovde.
14:49
Abuse thrives only in silence.
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Zlostavljanje uspeva samo u tišini.
14:52
You have the power to end domestic violence
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Vi imate moć da okončate
nasilje u porodici
nasilje u porodici
14:56
simply by shining a spotlight on it.
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prostim otkrivanjem činjenice
da ono postoji.
da ono postoji.
14:59
We victims need everyone.
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Nama žrtvama su svi potrebni.
15:02
We need every one of you to understand
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Potrebno nam je da svako od vas shvati
15:06
the secrets of domestic violence.
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tajne porodičnog nasilja.
15:10
Show abuse the light of day by talking about it
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Isterajte zlostavljanje na svetlost dana
tako što ćete pričati o njemu
tako što ćete pričati o njemu
15:13
with your children, your coworkers,
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s vašom decom, vašim saradnicima,
15:15
your friends and family.
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vašim prijateljima i porodicom.
15:17
Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people
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Predstavite preživele kao divne ljude,
vredne ljubavi,
vredne ljubavi,
15:20
with full futures.
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sa budućnošću pred njima.
15:23
Recognize the early signs of violence
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Prepoznajte rane znake nasilja
15:27
and conscientiously intervene,
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i savesno se umešajte,
15:30
deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.
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sprečite i pokažite žrtvama
bezbedan izlaz.
bezbedan izlaz.
15:34
Together we can make our beds,
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Zajedno možemo naše krevete,
15:38
our dinner tables and our families
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trpezarijske stolove i naše porodice
15:41
the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
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da napravimo bezbednim i mirnim oazama
koje bi to i trebalo da budu.
koje bi to i trebalo da budu.
15:45
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
15:47
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - WriterLeslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.
Why you should listen
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.
Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.
Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com