ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere.

Why you should listen

Inspired by intimate conversations with friends, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues. The play recounts tender, funny, gripping and horrifying stories she gathered from hundreds of women about their bodies, their sexual experiences, and yes, their vaginas. Since its first staging in 1996, it has been translated into more than 45 languages, performed in more than 120 countries and re-created as an HBO film.

The Vagina Monologues' success allowed Ensler to create V-Day, a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls, which has so far raised $85 million to prevent violence and protect abused women. In February 2011, Ensler received the Isabelle Stephenson Tony Award for her philanthropic work. Ensler has also drawn praise for The Good Body, a play that cuts to women's obsession with their appearance, and her film What I Want My Words to Do to You, which portrays a writing group she leads at a correctional facility for women. Today, she continues to find new projects and push the envelope. Her latest play, I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World, hit the New York Times bestseller list and just wrapped a workshop production in Johannesburg -- nest stop is Paris and then Berkeley in June 2012.

More profile about the speaker
Eve Ensler | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2019

Eve Ensler: The profound power of an authentic apology

ئێڤا ئێنسڵەر: هێزێكي کاریگەر بۆ داوای لێبوردنێکی ڕاستەقێنه‌

Filmed:
1,443,244 views

داوای لێبوردنێکی زیرەکانە لە پشت کردنی هەڵەکانەوەیە، ئەفسانەی شانۆنوس، ئێڤا ئێنسڵەر وا دەڵێت. بەم وتە ڕاستە ئەزموونی خۆی لە هەڵسوکەوتی خراپ گۆڕیوە بۆ زانیاری لەسەر ئەو شتانەی هەڵەکەرەکان دەیکەن -- دەڵێت و چوار هەنگاوی پێشکەشکردووە بۆ یارمەتیدانی پڕۆسەکە دیاری دەکات.
- Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:13
For the past few years,
we've been calling men out.
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لە چەند ساڵی ڕابردوودا
داوامان لە پیاوان دەکرد دووربکەونەوە.
00:19
It had to be done.
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پێویستەبوو جێ بەجێ بكرێت.
00:20
(Applause)
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(چەپڵه )
00:22
But lately, I've been thinking
we need to do something even harder.
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بیرم كردەوە، كارێكی قورستر ئەنجام بدەین.
00:28
We need, as my good friend
Tony Porter says,
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وەك هاوڕێ باشەكەم تۆنی پۆرتەر دەڵێت
00:32
to find a way to call men in.
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پێویستمان به ڕێگەیەكه
بە پیاوان بڵێین بێنە پێشەوە.
00:37
My father began to sexually abuse me
when I was five years old.
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كاتێك تەمەنم ٥ ساڵان بوو
باوکم گێچەڵی سێكسی پێکردم.
00:42
He would come into my room
in the middle of the night.
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له نێوەی شەودا دەهاته ژورەوە.
00:45
He appeared to be in a trance.
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وای نیشاندەدا كه لە هۆش خۆی چووە.
00:48
The abuse continued until I was 10.
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ئه م گێچەڵە تا تەمەنی ١٠
ساڵیم بەردەوام بوو.
00:51
When I tried to resist him,
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كاتێك ویستم بەرەنگاری ببمەوە،
00:54
when I was finally able to say no,
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كاتێك بۆ دواجار توانیم بڵێم نەخێر،
00:56
he began to beat me.
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دەستی به لێدانم کرد.
00:58
He called me stupid.
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به گەمژە ناوی دەبردم.
01:00
He said I was a liar.
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پێی دەگوتم كه درۆزنم.
01:02
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,
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كه تەمەنم بووبە ١٠ ساڵ گێچەڵ كۆتایی هات،
01:05
but actually, it never ended.
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بەڵام له ڕاستێدا هەرگیز تەواو نەبووە.
01:09
It changed who I was.
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منی گۆڕی.
01:11
I was filled with anxiety and guilt
and shame all the time,
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به درێژای كات، من پڕ بووم له
نائارامی، تاوانباری و شەرم
01:16
and I didn't know why.
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بەڵام من نەمدەزانی بۆچی.
01:18
I hated my body, I hated myself,
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ڕقم لە خۆم و لە جەستەم دەبووەوە،
01:21
I got sick a lot,
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زۆر نەخۆش دەکەوتم ،
01:22
I couldn't think,
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نەمدەتوانی بیر بكەمەوه،
01:24
I couldn't remember things.
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شتم بیر نەدەهاتەوە.
01:26
I was drawn to dangerous men and women
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ژن و پیاو لای من ترسناك بوون
01:29
who I allowed -- actually, I invited --
to treat me badly,
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بەتایبەت ئەو کەسەی کە ڕێگەم
پێدابوو کە بە خراپی مامەڵەم لەگەڵ بکات،
01:34
because that is what my father
taught me love was.
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چونكه باوكم فێری کردم کە
ئەمە خۆشەویستییە.
01:38
I waited my whole life
for my father to apologize to me.
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به درێژای ژیانم چاوەڕێ بووم
باوكم داواى لێبوردنم لێبكات.
01:44
He didn't.
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بەڵام نەیكرد.
01:45
He wouldn't.
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و ناشی كات.
01:47
And then, with the recent
scandals of famous men,
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بەڵام ئابڕوچونەكانی ئەم دواییانەی
پیاوە بەناوبانگەکان.
01:49
as one after another was exposed,
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كە یەك بەدوای یەكدا ئابڕوویان دەچوو،
01:53
I realized something:
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یەك شتم بۆ دەركەوت:
01:55
I have never heard a man
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هەرگێز گوێم له پیاوێك نەبووه
01:58
who has committed rape
or physical violence
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كە دەستدرێژی سێکسی و
لاقەی کچانی ئەنجامداوە،
02:02
ever publicly apologize to his victim.
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بە ئاشكرا داوای لێبوردنی
لە قوربانییەکەی کردبێت.
02:08
I began to wonder,
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وردە وردە بیرم کردەوە،
02:10
what would an authentic,
deep apology be like?
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دەبێت داوای لێبوردنی ڕاستەقینە چۆن بێت؟
02:20
So, something strange began to happen.
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شتێکی نامۆ دەستی بە ڕوودان کرد.
02:24
I began to write,
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دەستم بە نوسین كرد.
02:26
and my father's voice
began to come through me.
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دەنگی باوكم بە گوێمدا دەهات.
02:30
He began to tell me what he had done
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بۆی باس کردم کە چی کردووە
02:32
and why.
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و لەبەرچی.
02:34
He began to apologize.
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داوای لێبوردنی کرد.
02:37
My father is dead almost 31 years,
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٣١ ساڵە باوک مردووە،
02:39
and yet, in this apology,
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کەچی لەم داوای لێبوردنە،
02:41
the one I had to write for him,
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كە من بۆم نوسیبوو،
02:44
I discovered the power of an apology
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من لە ئەفسونی داوای لێبووردن تێگەیشتم
02:48
and how it actually might be
the way to move forward
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و ڕێگەیەك بۆ بەردەوام بوون
02:51
in the crisis we now face
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ئێستا لەو قەیرانەدا
02:53
with men and all the women they abuse.
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لەگەڵ پیاوان و ئەو ژنانەی قوربانین.
02:57
Apology is a sacred commitment.
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داواى لێبوردن پابەندییەكی پیرۆزه.
03:01
It requires complete honesty.
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پێویستی بەشەرەفمەندی تەواوەتی هەیه.
03:04
It demands deep
self-interrogation and time.
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داوای به خۆداچونەوه و كات دەكات.
03:07
It cannot be rushed.
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نابێ پەلەی لێ بكرێت.
03:10
I discovered an apology has four steps,
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تێگەیشتم كە لێبووردن چوار قۆناغێ هەیه،
03:13
and, if you would,
I'd like to take you through them.
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ئەگەر حەز بكەین، بۆتان باس دەكەم.
03:16
The first is you have to say
what, in detail, you did.
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یەكەم :ئەوە بە درێژی باسی،
بكەیت چیت كردووه.
03:20
Your accounting cannot be vague.
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نابێت قسەكانت ناڕوون بن.
03:23
"I'm sorry if I hurt you"
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"ببوره ئەگەر ئازارم دابیت"
03:24
or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"
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یاخود"ببوورە ئەگەر
گێچەڵی سێكسێم پێ كردبیت"
03:26
doesn't cut it.
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شتەكەت مەبڕه.
03:28
You have to say what actually happened.
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دەبێت بەڕاستی چیت كردووه باسی بكەیت.
03:32
"I came into the room
in the middle of the night,
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،له ناوه ڕاستی شەودا هاتمه ژوورەكەت"
03:34
and I pulled your underpants down."
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جلی ژێرەوەتم دانا.
دەستبازیم لەگەڵ كردیت"
چونكه بەغیلیم پێ دەبردیت
03:37
"I belittled you because
I was jealous of you
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03:39
and I wanted you to feel less."
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دەمویست كەمتر هەست بكەیت.
03:42
The liberation is in the details.
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ئازادییەکە
لە وردەکارییەکەدایە.
03:46
An apology is a remembering.
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لێبوردن بەیادهێنانەوەیە.
03:48
It connects the past with the present.
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ڕابردوو و ئێستا
بەیەكەوه دەبەستێتەوه.
03:51
It says that what occurred
actually did occur.
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باسی ئەوه دەكات بەڕاستی چی ڕوویدا.
03:55
The second step
is you have to ask yourself why.
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هەنگاوی دووەم: دەبێت
لەخۆت بپرسی بۆ.
04:00
Survivors are haunted by the why.
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ڕزگاربووەكان
لەبەر چی ڕزگاریان بوو.
04:04
Why? Why would my father want
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
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بۆچی؟ باوكم دەستدرێژی
كردە سەر كچە بچوكەكەی؟
04:09
Why would he take my head
and smash it against a wall?
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بۆچی سەرمی بەدیواردا دەكێشا؟
04:15
In my father's case,
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لەم کەیسەی باوکمدا
04:17
he was a child born long after
the other children.
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منداڵێك بوو زۆر لە دوای ئەوانی تر لە دايك
بووە.
04:22
He was an accident
that became "the miracle."
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ڕێکەوتێک بوو،
بوو بە پەرجوو.
04:26
He was adored and treated
as the golden boy.
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وەكو كوڕێكی زێڕین
مامەڵەی لەگەڵ كراوە.
04:30
But adoration, it turns out, is not love.
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بەڵام، خۆشەویستی نەما,
و خۆشەویستی نەبوو.
04:34
Adoration is a projection
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خۆشەویستی پیشینەیە.
04:35
of someone's need for you to be perfect
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بۆ كەسێك پێویستی پێتە تا زۆرباش بێت.
04:38
onto you.
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بۆ تۆ.
04:39
My father had to live up
to this impossible ideal,
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باوكم پێویستە ئەو كەسه
بێت كە لە ڕاستیدا بوو،
04:42
and so he was never allowed to be himself.
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هەرگیز ڕێگەی نەدراوە خۆی بێت.
04:45
He was never allowed to express tenderness
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هەرگیز ڕێگەی پێنەدرا بۆ دەربڕینی سۆز
04:47
or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.
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یاخود گومان و دڵسۆزی.
04:50
He was never allowed to cry.
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هەرگیز ڕێگەی پێنەدرا بگری.
04:53
And so he was forced to push
all those feelings underground,
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فشاری لێكرا تا گشت
ئەو هەستانە له گوڕ بنێت،
04:56
and they eventually metastasized.
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له كۆتایدا بچووك بووەوە.
04:59
Those suppressed feelings
later became Shadowman,
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ئەو هەستە قەتێس بووەوە
له كۆتایدا بووە پیاوی تارمایی،
05:03
and he was out of control,
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و له كۆنترۆڵ دەرچوو،,
05:04
and he eventually unleashed
his torrent on me.
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لەسەر من دەری بڕی.
05:10
The third step is you have
to open your heart
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هەنگاوی سێیەم: ئەوەیە
كه دڵی خۆت بكەیتەوە
05:14
and feel what your victim felt
as you were abusing her.
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هەست بكەیت چۆن قوربانییەكە
هەست دەكات له كاتێكدا گێچەڵت پێدەكرد.
05:19
You have to let your heart break.
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دەبێت ڕێگە بدەی دڵت بشكێت.
05:21
You have to feel the horror and betrayal
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دەبێ هەست به ترس و تۆقاندن بكەیت
05:23
and the long-term impacts
of your abuse on your victim.
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و كاریگەرییه درێژخایەنەكانی
دەستدرێژییەكە.
05:27
You have to sit with the suffering
you have caused.
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دەبێت دان بەو ئازاردا بنێیت کە
دووچاری کەسەكەت كردووە.
05:31
And, of course, the fourth step
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،هەنگاوی چوارەم
05:33
is taking responsibility
for what you have done
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هەستکردنە بە بەرپرسیاری
بۆ ئەوەی کردووتە
05:36
and making amends.
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و قەرەبووی بکەیتەوە.
05:38
So, why would anyone want to go through
such a grueling and humbling process?
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كەواتە كێ دەیەوێت بەو
هە نگاوەدا تێبپەرێت؟
05:44
Why would you want to rip yourself open?
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بۆچی دەتەوێت كراوەبیت؟
05:48
Because it is the only thing
that will set yourself free.
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تاكە شتە كە ئازادت دەکات.
05:52
It is the only thing
that will set your victim free.
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تاكە شتە قوربانییەكە ئازاد دەكات.
05:56
You didn't just destroy your victim.
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تۆ تەنها قوربانییەکەت وێران نەكردووە.
05:59
You destroyed yourself.
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خۆشت وێران كردووە.
06:01
There is no one who enacts
violence on another person
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هیچ كەسێك نییە
ئازاری كەسێكی تر بدات
06:05
who doesn't suffer
from the effects themselves.
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ئەگەر خۆی هەمان
ئازار نەچێژێت.
06:09
It creates an incredibly dark
and contaminating spirit,
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ئەمه ڕۆحێكی تاریك و
گوماناوی دەخوڵقێنێت،
06:16
and it spreads
throughout your entire life.
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و به درێژای ژیانت بڵاودەبێتەوە.
06:19
The apology I wrote -- I learned something
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ئەو داوای لێبوردنەی
نوسيم، شتێكی فێركردم
06:22
about a different lens
we have to look through
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دەبێت لە چەند ئاوێنەیەكەوە
سەیربكەین
06:25
to understand the problem
of men's violence
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بۆ ئەوەی گرفتەكانی
توند و تیژی پیاوان بزانین،
06:28
that I and one billion
other women have survived.
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كه ئەو و زیاتر له یەك
ملیار كەس ڕزگاریان بووە.
06:32
We often turn to punishment first.
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ئێمە له سەرەتادا زۆرجار پەنا بۆ
سزا دەبەین.
06:35
It's our first instinct, but actually,
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هەنگاوی یەكسانه،
06:38
although punishment
sometimes is effective,
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هەندێك جار سزا كاریگەری دەبێت،
06:42
on its own, it is not enough.
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و بەس نییە.
06:44
My father punished me.
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باوكم سزای دام.
06:46
I was shut down,
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من دەم كوت كرام،
06:48
and I was broken.
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دڵم شكا،
06:50
I think punishment hardens us,
but it doesn't teach us.
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سزا خۆڕاگرمان دەكات,
بەڵام فێرمان ناكات.
06:54
Humiliation is not revelation.
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شەرمەزاریی قەرەبوو نییە.
06:57
We actually need to create a process
that may involve punishment,
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پێویستی بە دروستكردنی
پرۆسەیەكە كە سزا لە خۆ بگرێت،
07:02
whereby we open a doorway
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بە هۆیەوە دەروازەیەك دەكەینەوە
07:04
where men can actually become
something and someone else.
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کە تێیدا پیاوان، دەتوانن بە ڕاستی ببنە
شتیك یان کەسێکی تر.
07:09
For so many years, I hated my father.
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بۆ چەندین ساڵ ڕقم له
باوكم بوو.
07:12
I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.
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دەمويست بمرێت یان بەند بكرێت.
07:15
But actually, that rage kept me
connected to my father's story.
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ئەمە وای كرد پەیوەندیم
بەو چیرۆكەوە نەبچڕێت.
07:20
What I really wanted
wasn't just for my father to be stopped.
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ئەوی من دەمەوێت
تەنها وەستانی باوكم نییە.
07:24
I wanted him to change.
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دەمویست بگۆڕێت.
07:26
I wanted him to apologize.
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دەمویست داوای لێبوردن بكات.
07:28
That's what we want.
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هەر ئەمەم دەویست.
07:29
We don't want men to be destroyed,
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نامانەوێت پیاوان وێران بكەین.
07:32
we don't want them to only be punished.
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نامانەوێت سزا بدرێن.
07:34
We want them to see us,
the victims that they have harmed,
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،دەمانەوێت سەیری ئێمه بكەن
قوربانییەکان، كه زیانمان پێگەیشتووە،
07:39
and we want them to repent
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داوایان لێدەكەین توبە بكەن.
07:41
and change.
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و بگۆڕێن.
07:43
And I actually believe this is possible.
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باوەڕمان وایە ئەمه ئەستەم نییە.
07:46
And I really believe it's our way forward.
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بڕوام وایە ئەمه ڕێگەی كاركردنمانه.
07:49
But we need men to join us.
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دەمانەوێت پیاوانیش
پەیوەندیمان پێوەبكەن.
07:53
We need men now to be brave
and be part of this transformation.
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ئیمە پێویستمانە پیاوان ئازابن ببن
بە بەشێک لەو گوڕانکارییە.
07:59
I have spent most of my life
calling men out,
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تەمەنم بە بانگ كردنی
پیاوانەوە بەڕێكرد،
08:04
and I am here now,
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ئێستاش لێرە،
08:07
right now,
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هەر ئێستا،
08:09
to call you in.
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تا بانگتان بکەم بێنە پێشەوە.
08:13
Thank you.
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سوپاس.
08:14
(Applause)
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(چەپڵە)
08:16
Thank you.
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سوپاس.
08:17
(Applause)
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(چەپڵە)
08:18
Thank you, thank you.
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سوپاس، سوپاس
08:20
(Applause)
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(چەپڵە)
Translated by Suzan Sarmad

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere.

Why you should listen

Inspired by intimate conversations with friends, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues. The play recounts tender, funny, gripping and horrifying stories she gathered from hundreds of women about their bodies, their sexual experiences, and yes, their vaginas. Since its first staging in 1996, it has been translated into more than 45 languages, performed in more than 120 countries and re-created as an HBO film.

The Vagina Monologues' success allowed Ensler to create V-Day, a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls, which has so far raised $85 million to prevent violence and protect abused women. In February 2011, Ensler received the Isabelle Stephenson Tony Award for her philanthropic work. Ensler has also drawn praise for The Good Body, a play that cuts to women's obsession with their appearance, and her film What I Want My Words to Do to You, which portrays a writing group she leads at a correctional facility for women. Today, she continues to find new projects and push the envelope. Her latest play, I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World, hit the New York Times bestseller list and just wrapped a workshop production in Johannesburg -- nest stop is Paris and then Berkeley in June 2012.

More profile about the speaker
Eve Ensler | Speaker | TED.com