ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Elizabeth Lesser - Wellness specialist
Elizabeth Lesser helps her readers and students transform their lives after brushes with pain, adversity and life's myriad problems.

Why you should listen

Elizabeth Lesser is a bestselling author and the cofounder of Omega Institute, the renowned conference and retreat center located in Rhinebeck, New York. Lesser's first book, The Seeker's Guide, chronicles her years at Omega and distills lessons learned into a potent guide for growth and healing. Her New York Times bestselling book, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow (Random House), has sold more than 300,000 copies and has been translated into 20 languages. Her latest book, Marrow: A Love Story (Harper Collins/September 2016), is a memoir about Elizabeth and her younger sister, Maggie, and the process they went through when Elizabeth was the donor for Maggie’s bone marrow transplant.

Lesser cofounded Omega Institute in 1977 -- a time when a variety of fresh ideas were sprouting in American culture. Since then, the institute has been at the forefront of holistic education, offering workshops and trainings in: integrative medicine, prevention, nutrition, and the mind/body connection; meditation and yoga; cross-cultural arts and creativity; ecumenical spirituality; and social change movements like women's empowerment and environmental sustainability. Lesser is also the cofounder of Omega's Women's Leadership Center, which grew out of the popular Women & Power conference series featuring women leaders, activists, authors and artists from around the world. Each year more than 30,000 people participate in Omega's programs on its campus in Rhinebeck, New York and at urban and travel sites, and more than a million people visit its website for online learning.

A student of the Sufi master, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, for many years, Lesser has also studied with spiritual teachers, healers, psychologists and philosophers from other traditions. In 2008 she helped Oprah Winfrey produce a ten-week online seminar based on Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth. The webinar was viewed by more than 8 million people worldwide. She was a frequent host on Oprah's "Soul Series," a weekly radio show on Sirius/XM, and a guest on Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday." In 2011, she gave a TED Talk, "Take 'the Other' to lunch ," in which she called for civility and understanding as we negotiate our differences as human beings.

Lesser attended Barnard College, where she studied literature, and San Francisco State University, where she received a teaching degree. In 2011 she received an honorary doctorate from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, in Palo Alto, California. Early in her career she was a midwife and birth educator. Today, besides writing and her work at Omega Institute, she lends her time to social and environmental causes and is an avid walker, cook and gardener. She lives with her family in New York's Hudson River Valley.

More profile about the speaker
Elizabeth Lesser | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2010

Elizabeth Lesser: Take "the Other" to lunch

Елизабет Лесер: Изведете го “Другиот“ на ручек

Filmed:
1,460,477 views

Во воздухот лебди една гневна и поделена напнатост која се заканува да ја попречи современата политика. Елизабет Лесер ги разгледува двете страни на човечката природа кои ја создаваат оваа тензија -ги нарекува „мистик“и „воин“. Таа споделува еден личен и едноставен начин како да се започне со дијалог-да се оди на ручек со некој кој не се согласува со вас и да им се постават три прашања за да се открие што всушност има во нивните срца.
- Wellness specialist
Elizabeth Lesser helps her readers and students transform their lives after brushes with pain, adversity and life's myriad problems. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:15
This room may appear
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Оваа просторија
00:17
to be holding 600 people,
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можеби собира 600 луѓе,
00:19
but there's actually so many more,
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но има многу повеќе
00:21
because in each one of us
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бидејќи во секој од нас
00:23
there is a multitude of personalities.
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постојат повеќе личности.
00:26
I have two primary personalities
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Во мене има две личности
00:29
that have been in conflict and conversation within me
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кои се во судир и разговараат во мене
00:31
since I was a little girl.
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откога бев малечка.
00:33
I call them "the mystic"
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Ги нарекувам „мистикот`
00:35
and "the warrior."
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и „воинот“.
00:37
I was born into a family
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Родена сум во семејство
00:39
of politically active,
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на политички активни
00:41
intellectual atheists.
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интелектуални атеисти.
00:43
There was this equation in my family that went something like this:
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Имаше една изрека што се слушаше
во моето семејство:
00:46
if you are intelligent,
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„Ако си интелигентен,
00:48
you therefore are not spiritual.
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тогаш не си духовен.“
00:51
I was the freak of the family.
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Јас бев изрод во семејството.
00:53
I was this weird little kid
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Бев чудно дете
00:55
who wanted to have deep talks
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кое сакаше длабоки дискусии
00:57
about the worlds that might exist
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за светот кој можел да постои
01:00
beyond the ones that we perceive with our senses.
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зад овој кој го восприемаме
со нашите сетила.
01:03
I wanted to know
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Сакав да знам
01:05
if what we human beings see
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дали она што ние, луѓето го гледаме,
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and hear and think
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слушаме и размслуваме
01:10
is a full and accurate picture
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е целосна и јасна слика
01:12
of reality.
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на реалноста.
01:14
So, looking for answers,
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Барајќи ги одговорите
01:16
I went to Catholic mass.
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одев на католички миси.
01:18
I tagged along with my neighbors.
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Се мешав со соседите,
01:20
I read Sartre and Socrates.
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ги читав Сартр и Сократ.
01:22
And then a wonderful thing happened
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Потоа се случи нешто прекрасно
01:24
when I was in high school:
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кога бев во средно:
01:26
Gurus from the East
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Гуруа од Истокот
01:28
started washing up on the shores of America.
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почнаа да се појавуваат
на бреговите на Америка.
01:31
And I said to myself,
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Си реков:
01:33
"I wanna get me one of them."
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„ Сакам и јас еден.“
01:35
And ever since,
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Оттогаш
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I've been walking the mystic path,
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јас чекорам по мојот мистичен пат
01:40
trying to peer beyond
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во обид да продрам низ
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what Albert Einstein called
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она што Ајнштајн го нарече
01:44
"the optical delusion
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„оптичка илузија
01:46
of everyday consciousness."
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на секојдневната свест“.
01:49
So what did he mean by this? I'll show you.
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Што значи тоа? Ќе ви покажам.
01:52
Take a breath right now
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Земете здив сега,
01:54
of this clear air in this room.
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од овој чист воздух овде.
01:58
Now, see this strange,
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Сега, ја гледате оваа чудна
02:01
underwater,
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подземна вода,
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coral reef-looking thing?
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со изглед на коралем остров?
02:06
It's actually a person's trachea,
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Тоа е всушност трахеа на човек,
02:09
and those colored globs
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а оние шарени површини
02:11
are microbes
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се микроби
02:13
that are actually swimming around in this room
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кои всушност пливаат во оваа просторија,
02:15
right now, all around us.
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овде околу нас.
02:18
If we're blind to this simple biology,
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Ако не ја гледаме оваа
едноставна биологија,
02:21
imagine what we're missing
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замислете што пропуштаме
02:24
at the smallest subatomic level right now
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на најмалото суб-атомско ниво токму сега
02:27
and at the grandest cosmic levels.
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и на најголемите космички нивоа.
02:30
My years as a mystic
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Годините како мистик
02:33
have made me question
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ме натераа да се запрашам
02:35
almost all my assumptions.
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за сите мои претпоставки.
02:37
They've made me a proud I-don't-know-it-all.
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Ме направија горд незнајко.
02:41
Now when the mystic part of me
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Кога мистикот во мене
02:43
jabbers on and on like this,
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брбори на овој начин,
02:45
the warrior rolls her eyes.
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воинот ги превртува очите.
02:48
She's concerned
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Загрижен е
02:51
about what's happening in this world right now.
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за она што се случува во
моментов во светот.
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She's worried.
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Загрижен е.
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She says, "Excuse me, I'm pissed off,
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Вели: “Извини ама љут сум,
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and I know a few things,
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знам некои работи и
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and we better get busy about them right now."
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најдобро да се позанимаваме со нив сега.“
03:04
I've spent my life as a warrior,
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Го поминав живото како воин,
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working for women's issues,
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ангажирајќи се за проблемите на жените,
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working on political campaigns,
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во политички кампањи
03:11
being an activist for the environment.
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и бев активист за животната средина.
03:14
And it can be sort of crazy-making,
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Тоа е малку налудничаво,
03:17
housing both the mystic and the warrior
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да се биде и мистик и воин
03:19
in one body.
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во едно тело.
03:21
I've always been attracted
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Секогаш ме привлекуваа
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to those rare people
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оние ретки луѓе
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who pull that off,
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кои успеваа,
03:28
who devote their lives to humanity
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кои го посветувале животот на хуманоста
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with the grit of the warrior
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со храброста на воинот
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and the grace of the mystic --
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и милоста на мистикот-
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people like Martin Luther King, Jr.,
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луѓе како Мартин Лутер Кинг
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who wrote, "I can never be
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кој напишал:„Никогаш не можам да бидам
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what I ought to be
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она што треба да бидам
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until you are
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се додека ти не бидеш
03:44
what you ought to be.
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тоа што треба да бидеш.
03:46
This," he wrote, "is the interrelated structure
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Тоа е взаемната структура
03:49
of reality."
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на реалноста.“
03:51
Then Mother Teresa, another mystic warrior,
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Мајка Тереза, уште еден мистик-воин,
03:54
who said, "The problem with the world
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има речено:„Проблемот со светот
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is that we draw the circle of our family
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е што го исцртуваме кругот
на своето семејство
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too small."
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многу мал.“
04:02
And Nelson Mandela,
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А Нелсон Мандела
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who lives by the African concept
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кој живее според африканскиот концепт
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of "ubuntu,"
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на „убунту“
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which means "I need you
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што значи „ми требаш
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in order to be me,
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за да бидеш јас,
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and you need me in order to be you."
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и ти требам за да бидам ти.“
04:15
Now we all love to trot out
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Сите сакаме да се повикуваме
04:17
these three mystic warriors
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на овие тројца воини
04:19
as if they were born
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како да се родени
04:21
with the saint gene.
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со истите гени.
04:23
But we all actually have
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А всушност сите го имаме
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the same capacity that they do,
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истиот капацитет кој тие го поседуваат
04:28
and we need to do
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и треба да ја сработиме
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their work now.
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нивната работа сега.
04:32
I'm deeply disturbed
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Многу ме вознемирува
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by the ways in which all of our cultures
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начинот на кој сите наши култури
04:37
are demonizing "the Other"
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ги демонизираат „Другите“
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by the voice we're giving
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со гласот кој го даваме
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to the most divisive among us.
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на најподелените меѓу нас.
04:45
Listen to these titles
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Погледнете ги овие наслови
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of some of the bestselling books
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на некои од најпродаваните книги
04:49
from both sides of the political divide
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од обете политички поделени страни
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here in the U.S.
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овде во САД.
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"Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder,"
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„Либерализмот е ментално нарушување“,
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"Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot,"
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„Раш Лимбау е голем, дебел идиот“,
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"Pinheads and Patriots,"
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„Идиоти и патриоти“,
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"Arguing With Idiots."
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„Расправа со идиоти“.
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They're supposedly tongue-in-cheek,
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Звучат иронично,
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but they're actually dangerous.
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но всушност се опасни.
05:09
Now here's a title that may sound familiar,
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Еве еден наслов кој може да звучи познато
05:11
but whose author may surprise you:
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но чиј автор може да ве изненади:
05:14
"Four-and-a-Half-Years of Struggle
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„Четири и пол години борба
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Against Lies, Stupidity
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против Лагата, Глупавоста
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and Cowardice."
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и Кукавичлукот.“
05:20
Who wrote that?
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Кој ја напишал?
Тоа беше првиот наслов
на книгата на Хитлер
05:22
That was Adolf Hitler's first title
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05:24
for "Mein Kampf" -- "My Struggle" --
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„"Mein Kampf" -„Мојата борба“-
05:27
the book that launched the Nazi party.
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книгата која ја промовираше
партијата на нацистите.
05:30
The worst eras in human history,
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Најстрашните период во човечката историја,
05:32
whether in Cambodia or Germany
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дали во Камбоџа, Германија,
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or Rwanda,
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или Руанда,
05:36
they start like this, with negative other-izing.
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почнуваат вака-со негирање
на оние „другите“.
05:39
And then they morph
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И после се претвораат
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into violent extremism.
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во насилен екстремизам.
05:44
This is why I'm launching a new initiative.
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Затоа промовирам нова иницијатива-
05:47
And it's to help all of us,
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за да ни помогне на сите,
05:50
myself included,
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и мене вклучително,
05:52
to counteract the tendency
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за да се спротивставиме на тенденцијата
05:54
to "otherize."
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да покажуваме на „другиот“.
05:56
And I realize we're all busy people,
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Сфаќам дека сите сме зафатени,
05:59
so don't worry, you can do this on a lunch break.
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па не грижете се, можете да го правите
ова на пауза за ручек.
06:02
I'm calling my initiative,
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Ја нарекувам мојата иницијатива
06:04
"Take the Other to Lunch."
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„Однесете го „Другиот“ на ручек“.
06:07
If you are
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Ако сте
06:09
a Republican,
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Републиканец,
06:11
you can take a Democrat to lunch,
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однесете го Демократот на ручек,
06:14
or if you're a Democrat,
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ако сте Демократ,
06:17
think of it
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размислувајте
06:19
as taking a Republican to lunch.
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за ручек со Републиканец.
06:21
Now if the idea of taking any of these people to lunch
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Ако идејата да ручате со некој од нив
06:24
makes you lose your appetite,
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ви го изгуби апетитот,
06:27
I suggest you start more local,
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предлагам да почнете локално,
06:30
because there is no shortage of the Other
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зашто нема недостиг на „другите“
06:33
right in your own neighborhood.
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во вашето соседство.
06:36
Maybe that person
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Можеби тоа е личноста
06:38
who worships at the mosque,
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која се моли во џамија,
06:40
or the church or the synagogue, down the street.
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црква или синагога некаде вои близина.
06:43
Or someone from the other side
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Или некој од другата страна
06:45
of the abortion conflict.
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на конфликтот.
06:48
Or maybe your brother-in-law
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Или можеби вашиот роднина
06:50
who doesn't believe in global warming.
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кој не верува во глобалното затоплување.
06:53
Anyone whose lifestyle may frighten you,
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Било кој, чиј начин на живот ве заплашува,
06:58
or whose point of view
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или чии гледишта
07:00
makes smoke come out of your ears.
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ве разгневуваат.
07:04
A couple of weeks ago,
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Пред некое време отидов на ручек
07:06
I took a Conservative Tea Party woman to lunch.
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со жена од една конзервативна партија.
07:11
Now on paper, she passed my smoking ears test.
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Теоретски, таа го помина
мојот тест за гнев.
07:15
She's an activist from the Right,
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Таа е активистка- десничар,
07:17
and I'm an activist from the Left.
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јас сум активистка- левичар.
07:21
And we used some guidelines
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Употребивме некои упатства
07:23
to keep our conversation elevated,
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за да ја одржиме дискусијата на ниво,
07:25
and you can use them too,
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и вие можете да ги употребите,
07:27
because I know you're all going
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зашто знам дека сите ќе одите
07:29
to take an Other to lunch.
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на ручек со „Другиот“.
07:31
So first of all, decide on a goal:
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Значи, прво одлучете се за целта:
07:34
to get to know one person
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да ја запознаете личноста
07:36
from a group you may have negatively stereotyped.
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од групата за која имавте негативни стереотипи.
07:41
And then, before you get together,
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И пред да сте заедно,
07:43
agree on some ground rules.
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договорете се за некои начелни правила.
07:45
My Tea Party lunchmate and I
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Мојата конзервативна придружничка
07:48
came up with these:
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го смисли ова:
07:50
don't persuade, defend
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не убедувај, не брани
07:52
or interrupt.
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и не прекинувај.
07:54
Be curious;
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Биди љубопитен;
07:56
be conversational; be real.
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биди разговорлив; биди реален.
07:58
And listen.
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И слушај.
08:00
From there, we dove in.
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Оттука тргнавме.
08:02
And we used these questions:
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И ги применивме овие прашања:
08:04
Share some of your life experiences with me.
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Сподели некои животни искустав со мене.
08:07
What issues
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Кои теми
08:09
deeply concern you?
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те загрижуваат најмногу?
08:11
And what have you always wanted to ask
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Што си сакала отсекогаш да го прашаш
08:13
someone from the other side?
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оној од другата страна?
08:16
My lunch partner and I
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Мојата придружничка и јас
08:18
came away with some really important insights,
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дојдовме до некои значајни погледи
08:20
and I'm going to share just one with you.
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и еден од нив ќе споделам со вас.
08:23
I think it has relevance
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Мислам дека тој е поврзан
08:25
to any problem
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со секој проблем
08:27
between people anywhere.
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меѓу луѓето насекаде.
08:29
I asked her why her side
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Ја прашав зошто нејзината страна
08:32
makes such outrageous allegations
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дава толку срамни изјави
08:34
and lies about my side.
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и лаги за мојата страна.
08:37
"What?" she wanted to know.
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„Што на пример?-ме запраша.
08:39
"Like we're a bunch
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„Дека сме толпа
08:41
of elitist,
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на елитисти,морално корумпирани
08:43
morally-corrupt terrorist-lovers."
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приврзаници на терористи.“
08:45
Well, she was shocked.
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Беше шокирана.
08:47
She thought my side
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Мислеше дека мојата страна
08:49
beat up on her side way more often,
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честопати ја напаѓа нејзината,
08:52
that we called them brainless,
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нарекувајќи ги безумни,
08:54
gun-toting racists,
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вооружени расисти;
08:57
and we both marveled
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и двете бевме затечени
08:59
at the labels that fit
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од етикетите кои не прилегаа
09:01
none of the people
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никому од луѓето
09:03
we actually know.
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кои ги познаваме.
09:05
And since we had established some trust,
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И бидејќи изградивме некоја доверба,
09:07
we believed in each other's sincerity.
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верувавме во обостраната искреност.
09:11
We agreed we'd speak up in our own communities
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Се договоривме да прозбориме
во нашите заедници
09:14
when we witnessed
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ако забележиме
09:16
the kind of "otherizing" talk
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зборување за „Другите“
09:18
that can wound
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што може да повредува
09:20
and fester into paranoia
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и да се претвори во параноја
09:22
and then be used by those on the fringes
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и понатаму да поттикнува
09:25
to incite.
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судири.
09:27
By the end of our lunch,
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На крајот на нашиот ручек,
09:29
we acknowledged each other's openness.
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ја признавме нашата отвореност.
09:31
Neither of us had tried to change the other.
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Не се обидовме да ја промениме другата.
09:34
But we also hadn't pretended
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Не се преправавме
09:37
that our differences were just going to melt away
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дека разликите меѓу нас
едноставно ќе исчезнат
09:40
after a lunch.
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после ручекот.
09:45
Instead, we had taken
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Наместо тоа, ги направивме
09:47
first steps together,
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првите чекори заедно,
09:49
past our knee-jerk reactions,
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ги надминавме нашите несвесни реакции
09:51
to the ubuntu place,
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и отидовме во убунту местото
09:53
which is the only place
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кое е единственото место
09:55
where solutions
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каде ќе можеме да ги најдеме решенијата
09:57
to our most intractable-seeming problems
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за нашите, наизглед нерешливи
10:01
will be found.
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проблеми.
10:03
Who should you invite to lunch?
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Кого треба да поканите на ручек?
10:06
Next time you catch yourself
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Следниот пат кога ќе се затекнете
10:08
in the act of otherizing,
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како го отуѓувате оној „другиот“,
10:10
that will be your clue.
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тоа ќе биде вашиот знак.
10:12
And what might happen at your lunch?
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Што може да се случи во текот на ручекот?
10:15
Will the heavens open
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Дали ќе се отвори небото
10:17
and "We Are the World" play over the restaurant sound system?
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и ќе ја свират „Ние сме светот“ ?
10:20
Probably not.
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Веројатно не.
10:22
Because ubuntu work is slow,
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Бидејќи работата на убунту е бавна
10:24
and it's difficult.
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и тешка.
10:26
It's two people
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Тоа се две личности кои
10:28
dropping the pretense
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кои престануваат да се преправаат
10:30
of being know-it-alls.
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дека се сезнајни.
10:32
It's two people,
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Тоа се две личности,
10:34
two warriors,
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два воини
10:36
dropping their weapons
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кои го фрлаат оружјето
10:38
and reaching toward each other.
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и посегнуваат еден кон друг.
10:41
Here's how the great Persian poet Rumi put it:
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Еве како го изрази тоа познатиот
персиски поет Руми:
10:45
"Out beyond ideas
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„Таму зад идеите
10:48
of wrong-doing and right-doing,
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за исправното и погрешното
10:51
there is a field.
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има поле.
10:53
I'll meet you there."
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Таму ќе се сретнеме.“
10:55
(Applause)
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(Аплауз)

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Elizabeth Lesser - Wellness specialist
Elizabeth Lesser helps her readers and students transform their lives after brushes with pain, adversity and life's myriad problems.

Why you should listen

Elizabeth Lesser is a bestselling author and the cofounder of Omega Institute, the renowned conference and retreat center located in Rhinebeck, New York. Lesser's first book, The Seeker's Guide, chronicles her years at Omega and distills lessons learned into a potent guide for growth and healing. Her New York Times bestselling book, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow (Random House), has sold more than 300,000 copies and has been translated into 20 languages. Her latest book, Marrow: A Love Story (Harper Collins/September 2016), is a memoir about Elizabeth and her younger sister, Maggie, and the process they went through when Elizabeth was the donor for Maggie’s bone marrow transplant.

Lesser cofounded Omega Institute in 1977 -- a time when a variety of fresh ideas were sprouting in American culture. Since then, the institute has been at the forefront of holistic education, offering workshops and trainings in: integrative medicine, prevention, nutrition, and the mind/body connection; meditation and yoga; cross-cultural arts and creativity; ecumenical spirituality; and social change movements like women's empowerment and environmental sustainability. Lesser is also the cofounder of Omega's Women's Leadership Center, which grew out of the popular Women & Power conference series featuring women leaders, activists, authors and artists from around the world. Each year more than 30,000 people participate in Omega's programs on its campus in Rhinebeck, New York and at urban and travel sites, and more than a million people visit its website for online learning.

A student of the Sufi master, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, for many years, Lesser has also studied with spiritual teachers, healers, psychologists and philosophers from other traditions. In 2008 she helped Oprah Winfrey produce a ten-week online seminar based on Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth. The webinar was viewed by more than 8 million people worldwide. She was a frequent host on Oprah's "Soul Series," a weekly radio show on Sirius/XM, and a guest on Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday." In 2011, she gave a TED Talk, "Take 'the Other' to lunch ," in which she called for civility and understanding as we negotiate our differences as human beings.

Lesser attended Barnard College, where she studied literature, and San Francisco State University, where she received a teaching degree. In 2011 she received an honorary doctorate from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, in Palo Alto, California. Early in her career she was a midwife and birth educator. Today, besides writing and her work at Omega Institute, she lends her time to social and environmental causes and is an avid walker, cook and gardener. She lives with her family in New York's Hudson River Valley.

More profile about the speaker
Elizabeth Lesser | Speaker | TED.com

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