TED2010
Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"
Julia Sweeney與八歲女兒的對話
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儘管Julia Sweeney喜劇表演絕佳，她在面對八歲女兒談論青蛙繁殖的話題、詢問一些超齡的問題時，還是不免說了一些善意的謊言。
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
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我有個女兒，她叫木蘭。
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
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在她八歲的時候，也就是去年，
00:20
she was doing a report for school
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她在做一份作業，
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
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一份關於青蛙的作業。
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
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我們在一家餐廳用餐，
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
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她說：「基本上，
00:28
frogs lay eggs
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青蛙會先生蛋，
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
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蛋變成蝌蚪，
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
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然後蝌蚪再變成青蛙。」
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
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我說：「嗯，我對青蛙的繁殖並不是真的那麼瞭解。
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
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我想，是母的青蛙生蛋，
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
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然後公的青蛙讓這些蛋受精，
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
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然後變成蝌蚪和青蛙。」
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
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然後她說：「什麼？只有母的會生蛋？」
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
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我說：「對啊。」
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
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然後她說：「那什麼是受精？」
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
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所以我回答：「噢，就是加入一些其他的材料啊...
00:51
you know, that you need
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就是青蛙媽媽
00:53
to create a new frog
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和青蛙爸爸會一起
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
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製造出一隻新的青蛙啊...」
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
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然後她說：「噢，那人類也一樣嗎？」
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
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我心裡想，「好吧，總是要面對的。」
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
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我不知道孩子還這麼小就會想知道這件事，才八歲耶...
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
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我試著回想我看過的指導手冊，
01:07
and all I could remember was,
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我能想到的只有
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
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「只要回答他們問的問題就好，
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
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其他不要多講。」
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
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所以我回答：「是啊。」
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
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然後她說：「那，蛋在哪裡？
01:19
where do human women,
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人類女性...
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
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女人把蛋生在哪裡？」
01:23
And I said, "Well,
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我說：「嗯，
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
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你問得很有趣，
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
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我們已經進化到有自己的池塘了哦，
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
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我們在自己的身體裡有一個池塘，
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
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我們就把蛋生在那裡，
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
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我們不用擔心有其他人的蛋或是其他什麼的。
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
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那是我們自己的池塘，就是這樣。」
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
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然後她說：「那這些蛋怎麼受精？」
01:44
And I said, "Well,
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我說：「嗯，
01:46
Men, through their penis,
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男人，用他們的小雞雞，
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
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把精子發射出來，讓這些蛋受精，
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
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然後你就從女人的陰道生出來了。」
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
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我們那時正在吃飯，她的下巴都快掉下來了，
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
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然後她問：「媽咪！
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
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就像你上廁所一樣？」
02:02
And I said, "I know.
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然後我說：「我知道...
02:04
I know."
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我知道...」
02:06
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
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這就是生物啊...看起來確實很怪，
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
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就有點像是在遊樂場旁邊
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
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蓋了一個化糞池一樣，
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
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地點選得不好，但是...
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
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她的表情像在說：「什麼？」然後她問：「但是媽咪，
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
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男生和女生不是不能互相偷看對方脫光光嗎？
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
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那要怎麼受精？」
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
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我只好把自己裝成瑪格麗特．米格(人類學家)：
02:34
"Human males and females
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「人類的社會為男性和女性
02:36
develop a special bond,
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建立了一些規範，
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
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當他們長大之後，比你大很多、很多的時候，
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
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當他們對彼此具有好感之後，
02:44
then they can be naked together."
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就可以脫光光在一起了。」
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
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然後她問：「媽咪，
02:48
have you done this before?"
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那你以前做過嗎？」
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
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我說：「有啊。」
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
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然後她說：「但是媽咪，你不能生小孩啊...」
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
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她知道她是被我領養的，而且我不能生育。
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
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我說：「對啊。」
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
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然後她說：「嗯，那你以後就不用再做了。」
03:01
And I said, "..."
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然後我說：「...」
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
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然後她說：「那男人和女人在一起的時候是怎麼做的呢？
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
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像他們怎麼知道要什麼時候做？
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
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媽咪，還是男人會說
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
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『我現在可以脫褲子了嗎？』」
03:13
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
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我說：「對啊。」
03:17
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
03:19
"That is exactly right.
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「你說的對，
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
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就是這樣。」
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
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當我們開車回家的時候，她看著車窗外面，突然問說：
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
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「媽咪，會不會有二個人在路上遇到，
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
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剛好是一個男人和一個女人，然後他們就問始做了？會不會這樣？」
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
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我說：「噢，不會。人類是很注重隱私的，
03:35
Oh ..."
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不會這樣。」
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
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她接著問：「那會不會在派對上，
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
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剛好有一群女孩子和一群男孩子，
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
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也有一群男人和一群女人，然後就開始做了？
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
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媽咪，會不會這樣？」
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
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我說：「噢，不會，不會。
03:49
That's not how we do it."
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人類不是這樣的。」
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
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然後我們回到家看到了貓咪，她就問：
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
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「媽咪，那貓咪是怎麼做的？」
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
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我說：「噢，一樣啊，基本上都一樣。」
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
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然後她開始煩我腳的問題：「那腳要擺哪裡？
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
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媽咪，我不懂腳可以擺哪裡？」
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
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她說：「媽咪，不是每個人都會劈腿吧？」
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
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我說：「我知道...但是腳...」
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
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我回答：「腳會自己想辦法。」
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
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然後她說：「但是我就是不懂啊...」
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
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所以我建議：「我們為什麼不上網，
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
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看看能不能找到...像是維基百科之類的。」
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
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然後我們上網，我輸入貓咪交配，
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
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然後，竟然在Youtube上找到了很多貓咪交配的影片。
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
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然後我們就看這些影片，我心存感謝，
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
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因為她的表情就像，「哇！太精彩了！」
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
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然後她又說：「那狗是怎麼交配的？」
04:27
So we put in dogs mating, and,
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所以我們又輸入狗的交配，
04:29
you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
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然後就又開始看那些影片，她完全專注在那些影片上。
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
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最後她問：「媽咪，
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
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你覺得在網路上，
04:36
any humans mating?"
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會不會有人交配的影片？」
04:39
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
04:41
And then I realized that
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然後我才發覺，
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
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我把自己的八歲女兒
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
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帶進了網路色情世界裡去了。
04:47
And I looked into this
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然後我看著這個
04:49
trusting, loving face,
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全心信任我、愛我的小臉蛋，
04:51
and I said,
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我說：
04:53
"Oh, no.
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「噢，不會，
04:55
That would never happen."
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網路上沒有。」
04:57
Thank you.
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謝謝你們。
04:59
(Applause)
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(掌聲)
05:01
Thank you.
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謝謝你們。
05:03
(Applause)
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(掌聲)
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
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謝謝你們。我很高興來到這裡。
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwrightJulia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.
Why you should listen
Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.
Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com