TEDxMileHighWomen
Christen Reighter: I don't want children -- stop telling me I'll change my mind
克里斯汀·莱德: 我不想要孩子——别再说我会改变主意了
Filmed:
Readability: 4
3,281,231 views
在美国，有五分之一的女性选择不生孩子，克里斯汀·莱德（克里斯汀·莱德）就是其中的一位。在很小的时候，她就知道她不会要孩子，尽管很多人（包括她的医生）坚持告诉她，她会回心转意的。在这场具有影响力的演说中，她分享了寻求绝育的艰难经历，并阐述了为什么为人母是女性身份的延伸而非定义。
Christen Reighter - Poet, essayist
Christen Reighter writes and performs as a poet and essayist, focusing primarily on social justice issues. Full bio
Christen Reighter writes and performs as a poet and essayist, focusing primarily on social justice issues. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I recognized the roles
that were placed on me very early.
that were placed on me very early.
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我在小时候就认识到了
自己被设置的角色。
自己被设置的角色。
00:17
One persistent concept that I observed --
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据我观察，有一个根深蒂固的观念，
00:21
existing in our language, in our media --
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存在于我们的语言和媒体中。
00:23
was that women are not only
supposed to have children,
supposed to have children,
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那就是女人不仅应当有孩子，
00:29
they are supposed to want to.
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而且她们想要有孩子。
00:32
This existed everywhere.
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这种观念无处不在。
00:34
It existed in the ways
that adults spoke to me
that adults spoke to me
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当大人们在“当你······”的语境中提问，
00:38
when they posed questions
in the context of "when."
in the context of "when."
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它就存在于他们跟我说话的方式里。
00:43
"When you get married ..."
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“当你结婚的时候······”
00:45
"When you have kids ..."
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“当你有了孩子······”
00:48
And these future musings
were always presented to me
were always presented to me
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对未来的这些思考总是呈现在我面前，
00:51
like part of this American dream,
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就像美国梦一样，
00:54
but it always felt to me
like someone else's dream.
like someone else's dream.
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但对我来说，这就像是别人的梦想。
00:57
You see, a value that I have
always understood about myself
always understood about myself
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我一直了解自己的价值观，
01:01
was that I never wanted children.
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那就是我从来没想过要孩子。
01:04
And as a kid, when I would try
to explain this,
to explain this,
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但我很小的时候，
我试图去向大人们解释
我试图去向大人们解释
01:08
this disconnect between
their roles and my values,
their roles and my values,
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他们的角色和我价值观的脱节时，
01:12
they often laughed
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他们经常笑我，
以一种大人对待
小孩的无稽之谈的方式。
小孩的无稽之谈的方式。
01:14
in the way that adults do
at the absurdities of children.
at the absurdities of children.
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01:18
And they would tell me knowingly,
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并且他们仿佛
什么都知道一样告诉我，
什么都知道一样告诉我，
01:20
"You'll change your mind."
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“你会回心转意的。”
01:23
And people have been saying
things like that to me my whole life.
things like that to me my whole life.
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在我的整个人生中，
人们一直这样对我说，
人们一直这样对我说，
01:27
Otherwise polite conversation
can turn intrusive fast.
can turn intrusive fast.
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要么礼貌的谈话会
很快变得具有侵扰性。
很快变得具有侵扰性。
01:33
"Does your husband know?"
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“你的丈夫知道吗？”
01:35
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:37
"Do your parents know?"
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“你的父母知道吗？”
01:39
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:41
"Don't you want a family?"
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“你不想要一个家庭吗？”
01:44
"Don't you want to leave anything behind?"
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“你不想在身后留下点什么吗？”
01:48
And the primary buzzword
when discussing childlessness,
when discussing childlessness,
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在讨论无子女问题的时候，
最流行的词就是，
最流行的词就是，
01:54
"That's selfish."
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“这太自私了。”
01:59
There are countless reasons
a woman may have
a woman may have
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一个女人有无数的原因
02:02
for choosing to abstain from motherhood,
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选择不做母亲。
02:05
the majority of them
not self-prioritizing.
not self-prioritizing.
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她们中大多数都没有
优先考虑自己。
优先考虑自己。
02:10
But it is still socially acceptable
to publicly vilify women as such,
to publicly vilify women as such,
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但社会还是选择接受这种
公开诋毁妇女的想法，
公开诋毁妇女的想法，
02:14
because none of these reasons
have made it into the social narrative.
have made it into the social narrative.
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因为没有任何理由使绝育
变为社会上一种流行的说法。
变为社会上一种流行的说法。
02:18
When I was little and learning
about the inevitability of maternity,
about the inevitability of maternity,
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我小时候就知道了做母亲的必然性，
02:24
it was never explained to me
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但从没人跟我解释
02:25
the commonness of these factors
that women consider,
that women consider,
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妇女需要考虑的因素，
02:31
like the risk of passing on
hereditary illness,
hereditary illness,
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像遗传疾病的风险，
02:34
the danger of having to stop
life-saving medication
life-saving medication
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怀孕期间不得不停止
使用救命药的危险，
02:37
for the duration of your pregnancy,
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02:39
concern about overpopulation,
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人口过剩的担忧，
02:41
your access to resources,
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获取资源的机会，
02:44
and the fact that there are
415,000 children
415,000 children
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以及在美国有 415000 个
孩子被寄养的事实。
02:49
in the foster-care system
in the United States at any given time.
in the United States at any given time.
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02:54
Reasons like these, many more,
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像这样的原因还有很多，
02:58
and the fact that I don't like to leave
things of this magnitude to chance,
things of this magnitude to chance,
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为了杜绝这些因素发生，
03:03
all informed my decision
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我决定
03:06
to become surgically sterilized.
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做绝育手术。
03:09
I began my research eagerly.
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我开始热切的做相关的调查。
03:12
I wanted to fully understand
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我想要完全了解
03:14
all that was going to come
with undergoing a tubal ligation,
with undergoing a tubal ligation,
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关于输卵管结扎手术的一切，
03:19
which is just another word
for getting your tubes tied.
for getting your tubes tied.
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简单来说，就是把你的输卵管打个结。
03:22
I wanted to know approval to aftermath,
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我想知道手术的批准和善后、
03:26
satisfaction rates, risks, statistics.
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满意度、风险以及一些统计数据。
03:30
And at first, I was empowered.
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开始的时候，我大受鼓舞。
03:32
You see, the way the narrative
has always been taught to me,
has always been taught to me,
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要知道，过去的观念还一直影响着我，
03:36
I would have thought that women
who didn't want children were so rare,
who didn't want children were so rare,
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我本以为不想要孩子的女性非常的少，
03:40
and then I learned
one in five American women
one in five American women
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但是后来我了解到，
在美国，有五分之一
的女人不想生育孩子。
的女人不想生育孩子。
03:44
won't be having a biological child --
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03:46
some by choice, some by chance.
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有些是自愿的，有些是偶然的。
03:49
(Applause)
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（掌声）
03:50
But I was not alone.
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所以我不是一个人在战斗。
03:55
But the more I read,
the more disheartened I became.
the more disheartened I became.
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但是我了解得越多，就变得越沮丧。
03:57
I read women's stories,
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我了解了很多女人的经历，
04:00
trying desperately to get this procedure.
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她们不顾一切的想要做绝育手术。
04:04
I learned how common it was
for women to exhaust their finances
for women to exhaust their finances
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但很多女人为此倾家荡产，
04:10
appealing to dozens of ob-gyns
over many years,
over many years,
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很多年来，咨询了几十个妇产科医生，
04:17
only to be turned down so many times,
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得到的结果只有被拒绝，
04:19
often with such blatant disrespect
that they just gave up.
that they just gave up.
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还经常受到不公的待遇，
最后她们都放弃了。
最后她们都放弃了。
04:23
Women reported that medical practitioners
were often condescending
were often condescending
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很多妇女报告说，
执业医生经常是高傲的，
执业医生经常是高傲的，
对她们的决定不屑一顾。
04:30
and dismissive of their motivations,
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04:34
being told things like,
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她们得到的回答往往是，
04:36
"Come back when you're married
with a child."
with a child."
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“等你结婚有小孩后再来吧。”
04:40
But women who did have children,
who went to go get this procedure,
who went to go get this procedure,
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但当女人生完孩子，
再去做绝育手术的时候，
再去做绝育手术的时候，
04:44
were told they were too young,
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医生又会说她们太年轻了，
04:47
or they didn't have enough children,
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或者她们还想要更多的孩子，
04:51
which is very interesting,
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这简直太嘲讽了。
04:53
because the legal requirements in my state
for getting this kind of surgery were,
for getting this kind of surgery were,
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因为在我所在的州，
做这种手术的法律规定是，
做这种手术的法律规定是，
05:00
"Be at least 21 years old,"
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“21岁以上，”
05:03
"appear of sound mind,
acting of your own accord,"
acting of your own accord,"
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“心智健全，精神正常，”
05:06
and "have a 30-day waiting period."
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还要“30天的等待周期。”
05:10
And I was perplexed that I could meet
all of these legal requirements
all of these legal requirements
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让我不解的是，
我满足所有的法律要求，
我满足所有的法律要求，
05:16
and still have to face a battle
in the exam room
in the exam room
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但为了我身体的自主权，
在检验室仍然还要
在检验室仍然还要
面临一场战争，
05:19
for my bodily autonomy.
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05:21
And it was daunting,
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这非常令人气馁，
05:24
but I was determined.
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但我决心已定。
05:26
I remember I dressed so professionally
to that first appointment.
to that first appointment.
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我记得第一次赴约的时候，
打扮得非常职业。
打扮得非常职业。
05:31
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:33
I sat up straight.
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我坐得笔直。
05:34
I spoke clearly.
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讲话也很清晰。
05:37
I wanted to give that doctor
every piece of evidence
every piece of evidence
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我想让医生知道，
05:42
that I was not the date
of birth in that file.
of birth in that file.
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我不是档案里那么年轻。
05:46
And I made sure to mention things like,
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我要确定传达出这些信息，
05:49
"I just got my bachelor's degree
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“我刚刚取得学士学位，
05:50
and I'm applying
to these doctoral programs,
to these doctoral programs,
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正在申请一些什么博士学位项目，
05:53
I'm going to study these things."
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我将来要做些什么研究。”
05:55
And "my long-term partner
has this kind of business,"
has this kind of business,"
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并且“我的长期伴侣也是做这行的，”
05:59
and "I've done research
on this for months.
on this for months.
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“关于绝育，我也已经
做了几个月的研究了。
做了几个月的研究了。
06:03
I understand everything
about it, all the risks."
about it, all the risks."
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我了解各个方面和所有的风险。”
06:06
Because I needed the doctor to know
that this was not a whim,
that this was not a whim,
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因为我要让医生知道，这不是心血来潮，
06:10
not reactionary,
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也不是要反对什么，
06:12
not your 20-something
looking to go out and party
looking to go out and party
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更不是 20 来岁出去聚会
担心肚子被搞大——
06:15
without fear of getting knocked up ...
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06:17
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:19
that this supported something
integral to who I was.
integral to who I was.
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这么做只是为了让我成为我自己。
06:25
And I understand informed consent,
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我了解、知情并同意，
06:26
so I fully expected to be reeducated
on how it all worked, but ...
on how it all worked, but ...
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我也做好了被教育的准备，但是...
06:34
At one point, the information being
given to me started to feel agenda'd,
given to me started to feel agenda'd,
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某种程度上，给我的信息
就像事先安排好一样，
就像事先安排好一样，
06:39
interlaced with bias
and inflated statistics.
and inflated statistics.
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交织着偏见和夸张的统计数据。
06:45
The questions began to feel interrogative.
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我开始感觉像在被质问。
06:49
At first they were asking me questions
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起初他们问的问题，
06:52
that seemed to understand
my situation better,
my situation better,
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像是为了能够更好地理解我的情况，
06:55
and then it seemed like they were
asking questions to try to trip me up.
asking questions to try to trip me up.
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但后来的问题却像是
有意引导我答错。
有意引导我答错。
06:59
I felt like I was on the witness stand,
being cross-examined.
being cross-examined.
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我感觉自己像在证人席上被盘问。
07:04
The doctor asked me about my partner.
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医生问了关于我伴侣的情况。
07:07
"How does he or she
feel about all of this?"
feel about all of this?"
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“他（她）的态度是怎么样的？”
07:10
"Well, I've been with
the same man for five years,
the same man for five years,
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“我跟他在一起五年了，
07:13
and he fully supports any decision
I make for my body."
I make for my body."
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他完全支持我
对自己身体的任何决定。”
对自己身体的任何决定。”
07:17
And he said, "Well,
what happens in the future,
what happens in the future,
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他说：“好吧，如果将来
你换伴侣了怎么办？
07:19
if you change partners?
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07:20
What happens when that person
wants children?"
wants children?"
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万一那个伴侣想要孩子呢？"
07:24
And I didn't quite know
how to react to that,
how to react to that,
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我真的不知道怎么回应了，
07:28
because what I was hearing
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因为我所听到的是，
07:30
was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed
to disregard everything I believe
to disregard everything I believe
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这个医生认为，如果
伴侣想要孩子的话，
伴侣想要孩子的话，
我就应该抛弃我的信仰，
07:37
if a partner demands children.
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07:40
So I told him not to worry about that.
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所以我告诉他不要担心这些，
07:43
My stance on childbearing
has always been first date conversation.
has always been first date conversation.
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关于生小孩的态度，我一定会
在第一次约会的时候声明的。
在第一次约会的时候声明的。
07:47
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:53
(Cheering)
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（欢呼）
07:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:59
He then asks me to consider
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然后他又问我，
08:03
how "in 20 years, you could really
come to regret this" ...
come to regret this" ...
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如果 20 年后你真的后悔了怎么办?
08:08
as though I hadn't.
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好像我一定会后悔似的。
08:11
I told him,
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我告诉他，
08:16
"OK, if I wake up one day
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“如果我有天醒来，
08:20
and realize, you know,
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意识到
08:23
I wish I'd made a different
decision back then,
decision back then,
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我希望当时做了一个不同的决定，
08:28
the truth is, I'd only removed
a single path to parenthood.
a single path to parenthood.
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但其实我只是少了
一条通往做父母的路，
一条通往做父母的路，
08:32
I never needed biology
to form family anyway."
to form family anyway."
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无论如何，我从不需要通过
生物血缘关系来组建家庭。”
生物血缘关系来组建家庭。”
08:36
(Applause)
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（掌声）
08:44
And I would much rather
deal with that any day
deal with that any day
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我宁愿随时面对这件事，
08:48
than deal with one day waking up,
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而不是有天醒来，
08:51
realize I'd had a child
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意识到我有个孩子，
08:55
that I didn't really want
or was prepared to care for.
or was prepared to care for.
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而我却不想要这个孩子，或者
还没准备好去照顾他（她）。
还没准备好去照顾他（她）。
09:01
Because one of these affects only me.
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因为其中的一个选择
影响到的只有我。
影响到的只有我。
09:04
The other affects a child,
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而另一个选择则会影响到孩子，
09:07
their development, their well-being --
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包括孩子们的成长和幸福——
09:09
(Applause)
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（掌声）
09:13
and human beings
are not to be gambled with.
are not to be gambled with.
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而孩子们从来不应该被拿来赌博。
09:18
He then tells me why no one
was going to approve this procedure,
was going to approve this procedure,
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然后他告诉我，为什么
没有人批准你这个手术，
没有人批准你这个手术，
09:24
certainly not he,
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当然不是他，
09:25
because of a concept
called medical paternalism,
called medical paternalism,
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因为有个概念叫医学家长主义，
09:28
which allows him,
as my well-informed provider,
as my well-informed provider,
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让这个见多识广的医生
作为我医学上的家长，
作为我医学上的家长，
09:34
to make decisions for me ...
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从而替我做决定...
09:37
based on his perception
of my best interest,
of my best interest,
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基于他的角度，为我的利益
最大化进行考量，
最大化进行考量，
09:40
regardless of what I,
as the patient, want or believe.
as the patient, want or believe.
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却无视我这个病人
想要的或者相信的。
想要的或者相信的。
09:44
He takes this opportunity to step out
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他借机出去，
09:47
and discuss my case
with my potential surgeon,
with my potential surgeon,
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与我的主刀医生讨论我的情况，
09:51
and through the door, I hear him
describe me as a little girl.
describe me as a little girl.
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隔着门，我听到他把我
描述成一个小女孩。
描述成一个小女孩。
10:01
I was so offended.
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我特别生气。
10:03
I wanted to defend myself.
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我想要捍卫自己的权利。
10:05
I wanted to explicitly explain
to each one of these providers
to each one of these providers
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我想向每个医生明确解释，
10:09
how they were treating me,
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他们是怎么对我的，
10:11
that it was belittling and sexist,
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贬低我，歧视我的性别，
10:13
and I didn't have to take it.
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我没有必要受这些气。
10:19
But I did take it.
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但我还是接受了。
10:22
I swallowed every sharp word in my throat,
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我把每个刻薄的言语吞进肚子里，
10:26
clenched my jaw, and instead
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咬紧牙关，
10:29
answered each one of their condescending
questions and statements.
questions and statements.
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回应了他们每一个
傲慢的问题和陈述。
傲慢的问题和陈述。
10:36
I had come here looking
for objectivity and support
for objectivity and support
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我来这里是寻找客观和支持的，
10:40
and instead I felt dismissed and silenced,
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但我却感到了被驱逐和被迫沉默，
10:44
and I hated myself for it.
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我讨厌这样的自己。
我讨厌自己让人们反复的不尊重我。
10:46
I hated that I was letting people
disrespect me repeatedly.
disrespect me repeatedly.
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10:51
But this was my one shot.
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但这是我唯一的机会。
10:57
That was one of multiple consultations
that I had to go to.
that I had to go to.
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这也是我不得不参加
的多次咨询之一。
的多次咨询之一。
11:02
At one point, I had seen five or six
medical professionals in the same hour.
medical professionals in the same hour.
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有一次，我在一个小时内
跟五到六个医疗专家会面。
跟五到六个医疗专家会面。
11:07
The door to the exam room
felt more like the door to a clown car.
felt more like the door to a clown car.
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通往检验室的门更像是小丑车的门。
11:11
There's my primary,
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有我的医生，
11:12
there's his colleague,
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他的同事，
11:14
the director, OK.
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还有主任，好吧。
11:17
It felt like I was asking them
to infect me with smallpox
to infect me with smallpox
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感觉好像是我要求他们让我感染天花，
11:22
instead of, I don't know,
obtain birth control.
obtain birth control.
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而不是做节育。
11:28
But I didn't waver,
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但我不是摇摆不定的人，
11:33
and I was persistent,
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我很坚持，
11:35
and I eventually convinced one of them
to allow the procedure.
to allow the procedure.
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终于说服了一个医生同意做手术。
11:42
And even as I am in the room,
signing the consent forms
signing the consent forms
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即使我在手术室里，在同意书上签字，
11:48
and getting the hormone shots
and tying up loose ends ...
and tying up loose ends ...
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注射了荷尔蒙针，深呼吸准备的时候，
11:53
my doctor is shaking
his head in disapproval.
his head in disapproval.
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我的医生还在摇头表示不赞同。
11:59
"You'll change your mind."
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“你会改变你的想法的。”
12:03
I never really understood
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我从来没有真正感受到
12:06
how strongly this society
clings to this role
clings to this role
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这个社会对母亲角色的执着，
12:11
until I went through this.
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直到我经历了这一切。
12:13
I experienced firsthand, repeatedly,
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我不断的亲身经历，
12:20
how people, be it medical providers,
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医生，
12:26
colleagues, strangers,
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同事，陌生人，
12:30
were literally unable
to separate me being a woman
to separate me being a woman
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怎么也无法把我从一个
母亲和女人的身份中
母亲和女人的身份中
12:37
from me being a mother.
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区别开来。
12:40
And I've always believed
that having children
that having children
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我一直相信，生育子女
12:44
was an extension of womanhood,
not the definition.
not the definition.
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是女性身份的延伸而非定义。
12:48
I believe that a woman's value
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我相信一个女人的价值
12:51
should never be determined
by whether or not she has a child,
by whether or not she has a child,
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不应该以是否有孩子来判断，
12:55
because that strips her
of her entire identity
of her entire identity
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因为这剥离了她作为成年人
13:00
as an adult unto herself.
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的整个身份。
13:02
Women have this amazing ability
to create life,
to create life,
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女人有创造生命的奇妙能力，
13:07
but when we say that that is her purpose,
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但当我们说这是她的目的的时候，
13:11
that says that her entire existence
is a means to an end.
is a means to an end.
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就是说她的存在
只是为了达到目的一种手段。
只是为了达到目的一种手段。
13:20
It's so easy to forget the roles
that society places on us
that society places on us
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我们很容易忘记，
社会赋予我们的角色
社会赋予我们的角色
13:25
are so much more than mere titles.
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远比头衔来的重要。
13:27
What about the weight
that comes with them,
that comes with them,
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那么那些随角色而来的重量、
13:30
the pressure to conform
to these standards ...
to these standards ...
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遵守规则的压力、
13:33
the fear associated with questioning them,
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质疑他们带来的恐惧、
为接受他们而抛弃的欲望，
又该怎么办呢？
又该怎么办呢？
13:36
and the desires that we
cast aside to accept them?
cast aside to accept them?
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13:40
There are many paths
to happiness and fulfillment.
to happiness and fulfillment.
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通往幸福和满足的路有很多。
13:44
They all look very different,
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它们看上去都不一样，
13:46
but I believe that every one
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但我相信每个人
13:50
is paved with the right
to self-determination.
to self-determination.
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都能自主决定如何铺设这条路。
13:57
I want women to know that your choice
to embrace or forego motherhood
to embrace or forego motherhood
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我想让女性们知道，
你是否选择作为一个母亲
你是否选择作为一个母亲
14:06
is not in any way tied
to your worthiness or identity
to your worthiness or identity
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和你的价值、
14:10
as spouses, as adults, or as women ...
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作为配偶、成人或者
女人的身份毫无关系...
女人的身份毫无关系...
14:15
and there absolutely is
a choice behind maternity,
a choice behind maternity,
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在母性的背后绝对有一个选择，
14:20
and it is yours
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它是属于你的，
14:22
and yours alone.
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仅仅属于你。
14:23
Thank you.
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谢谢。
14:24
(Applause)
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（掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Christen Reighter - Poet, essayistChristen Reighter writes and performs as a poet and essayist, focusing primarily on social justice issues.
Why you should listen
Christen Reighter's primary advocacy platform is for the childfree-choice. She often writes and speaks out about her experience obtaining elective sterilization at age 22, including how she encountered and confronted harassing societal prejudice, condescending medical paternalism, and civil rights violations. Her other writing and advocacy work includes LGBTQIA+ rights, gender equality, sex-positivity, women's issues (including sexual assault) and mental health issues and recovery.
Reighter is also an award-winning spoken word artist. she has competed and performed across the country and in international competitions such "Brave New Voices" on on HBO.
Originally born and raised in Texas, Reighter now lives happily in beautiful Colorado with her partner and their three rambunctious cats, and she currently is finishing her MA in clinical mental health counseling.
Christen Reighter | Speaker | TED.com