TED2018
Christina Wallace: How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps
Christina Wallace: Stop met swipen en vind de ware op dating apps
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Even eerlijk, online daten kan erg tegenvallen. Zo veel potentiële mensen, even veel tijdverlies -- is het dat wel waard? Podcaster en ondernemer Christina Wallace vindt van wel, als je het maar goed doet. In deze grappige en praktische talk vertelt Wallace hoe ze haar MBA-skills hanteerde om de nuldate uit te vinden en swipe-apps te mijden -- en hoe jij dat ook kan doen.
Christina Wallace - Entrepreneur, podcaster, storyteller
A self-described "human Venn diagram," Christina Wallace has crafted a career at the intersection of business, the arts and technology. Full bio
A self-described "human Venn diagram," Christina Wallace has crafted a career at the intersection of business, the arts and technology. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I first tried online dating
my freshman year of college,
my freshman year of college,
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M'n eerste online date was
toen ik m'n studies begon.
toen ik m'n studies begon.
00:16
which was in 2001,
in case you can't see my wrinkle.
in case you can't see my wrinkle.
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Dat was in 2001,
vandaar mijn rimpels.
vandaar mijn rimpels.
00:20
Now, as you may have noticed,
I'm six-feet tall,
I'm six-feet tall,
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Zoals je ziet, ben ik groot
en toen ik op de universiteit aankwam
00:22
and when I arrived at my chosen university
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en zag dat zelfs de basketbalspelers
daar kleiner waren dan ik,
daar kleiner waren dan ik,
00:24
and realized our men's Division III
basketball team averaged five-foot-eight,
basketball team averaged five-foot-eight,
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00:29
I abandoned the on-campus
scene and went online.
scene and went online.
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gaf ik live daten op en ging online.
00:32
Now, back then, online dating
was pretty close to the plot
was pretty close to the plot
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Destijds was online daten
zoals de plot van 'You've got mail'.
zoals de plot van 'You've got mail'.
00:35
of "You've Got Mail."
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00:36
You'd write long emails
back and forth for weeks,
back and forth for weeks,
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Je schreef elkaar wekenlang e-mails
om dan eindelijk af te spreken.
00:39
before you finally met up in real life.
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00:41
Except, in my case,
you'd realize you have no chemistry
you'd realize you have no chemistry
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Maar in mijn geval
ontbrak steeds de chemie
ontbrak steeds de chemie
00:44
and so now, you're back to square one.
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en kon je dus opnieuw beginnen.
Hoewel online daten in 17 jaar
behoorlijk geëvolueerd is,
behoorlijk geëvolueerd is,
00:46
So, while online dating
has changed a lot in the last 17 years,
has changed a lot in the last 17 years,
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00:50
many of the frustrations remain the same.
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blijven dezelfde frustraties bestaan.
00:53
Because here's what it does well.
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Want hierin slaagt het wel:
00:55
It broadens your pool of potential dates
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je breidt je potentiële dates uit
00:58
beyond your existing social
and professional circles.
and professional circles.
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buiten je bestaande kennissenkring.
01:01
And here's what it doesn't do well.
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Hierin faalt het:
01:03
Literally everything else.
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letterlijk al het andere.
01:06
(Laughter)
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(Gelach)
01:08
A few things you should know about me:
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Dit moet je weten over me:
01:10
I'm an action-oriented overachieving
math and theater nerd,
math and theater nerd,
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ik ben actieve, ambitieuze
wiskunde- en theaternerd
wiskunde- en theaternerd
01:13
who ended up with an MBA.
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met een masterdiploma.
01:15
So, when things aren't working out,
I tend to take a step back,
I tend to take a step back,
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Dus als iets niet werkt, neem ik afstand,
01:18
apply my business toolkit
to figure out why, and to fix it.
to figure out why, and to fix it.
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gebruik ik mijn tools,
analyseer ik en herstel ik.
analyseer ik en herstel ik.
01:22
My love life was no exception.
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Hetzelfde geldt voor m'n liefdesleven.
01:24
The summer before I turned 30,
I took myself on a relationship off-site.
I took myself on a relationship off-site.
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Toen ik 30 werd, ging ik op uitstap.
01:28
Which means I went camping solo
in Maine for a week,
in Maine for a week,
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Ik ging 'n week alleen kamperen in Maine
01:31
to do a retro on my track record
of mediocre relationships.
of mediocre relationships.
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en analyseerde
m'n povere relatiehistoriek.
m'n povere relatiehistoriek.
01:35
Because the thing was,
I knew what I wanted in a partner.
I knew what I wanted in a partner.
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Ik wist namelijk hoe
m'n partner moest zijn.
m'n partner moest zijn.
01:38
Kindness, curiosity, empathy,
a sense of purpose.
a sense of purpose.
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Lief, curieus, empathisch en doelgericht.
01:42
And yet, here's what I chose for online:
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Maar online koos ik:
01:45
Ivy League degree, six feet or taller,
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een diploma, 1meter 80 of meer,
01:48
lives within 12 subway stops of me.
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woont in mijn buurt.
01:51
It's not that I intentionally
prioritized those things,
prioritized those things,
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Niet meteen mijn prioriteiten,
01:54
it's just the easiest to vet for online.
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maar online wel
het eenvoudigst te beoordelen.
het eenvoudigst te beoordelen.
01:57
It kind of is like a résumé review,
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Het is zoals 'n cv lezen.
01:59
which is why these guys
looked great on paper
looked great on paper
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Daarom waren die kerels
geweldig op papier,
geweldig op papier,
02:01
and never quite fit me.
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maar nooit echt m'n ding.
02:03
So when I went back online
in the spring of 2016,
in the spring of 2016,
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In 2016 ging ik terug online
02:06
I decided to reengineer the process
through some classic business tools.
through some classic business tools.
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en besloot het proces te herzien
met klassieke business-tools.
met klassieke business-tools.
02:10
First, I went to OkCupid,
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Ik ging eerst naar OkCupid
02:12
because I wanted to avoid
the gamification of swipe-based apps.
the gamification of swipe-based apps.
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om het spelaspect
van al dat swipen te vermijden.
van al dat swipen te vermijden.
02:15
And also, because I wanted
a writing sample.
a writing sample.
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En ook omdat ik
een schriftelijk staal wou.
een schriftelijk staal wou.
02:19
Next, I set up a sales funnel,
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Dan gebruikte ik een trechter:
02:21
throwing out any sense of my type,
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mijn type telde niet mee,
02:23
and instead defining the criteria
that would qualify a lead.
that would qualify a lead.
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maar ik bepaalde criteria voor een lead.
02:27
An inbound message had to do three things:
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Een bericht moest aan drie zaken voldoen:
02:29
had to be written in complete sentences
and with good grammar;
and with good grammar;
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volledige en correcte zinnen;
02:32
it had to reference
something in my profile,
something in my profile,
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een verwijzing naar m'n profiel,
02:34
so I know it's not
a copy-and-paste situation;
a copy-and-paste situation;
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om copypastes te vermijden;
02:37
and it had to avoid all sexual content.
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en geen seksuele inhoud.
02:40
I figured this was a pretty low bar,
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Ik vond dit 'n lage drempel
02:41
but it turns out,
of my 210 inbound messages,
of my 210 inbound messages,
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maar van de 210 ontvangen berichten
02:44
only 14 percent cleared that hurdle.
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bleef slechts 14 procent over.
02:46
(Laughter)
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(Gelach)
02:48
Next, I wanted to meet in real life
as quickly as possible,
as quickly as possible,
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Dan wou ik zo snel mogelijk afspreken.
02:51
because the things I cared about,
I couldn't see online.
I couldn't see online.
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Want de essentie kon ik online niet zien.
02:54
But the research, and my experience,
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Uit onderzoek en m'n ervaring blijkt
02:56
shows you only need about 30 seconds
with someone to tell if you click.
with someone to tell if you click.
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dat je in amper 30 seconden
weet of het klikt.
weet of het klikt.
03:00
So I invented the zero date.
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Dus ik vond de nuldate uit.
03:03
The zero date is one drink, one hour.
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De nuldate is één afspraakje in één uur.
03:05
With the goal of answering one question:
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Je wil één vraag kunnen beantwoorden:
03:08
Would I like to have
dinner with this person?
dinner with this person?
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wil ik met deze persoon gaan eten?
03:11
Not "are they the one"?
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Niet: is het de ware?
03:12
Literally, "Would I like to spend
three hours across the table
three hours across the table
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Gewoon: wil ik drie uur tafelen
met deze persoon?
03:15
from this person?"
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Vertel dat je wegmoet:
03:18
You tell them you have a hard stop --
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afspraakje met vrienden,
conferentiegesprek naar China,
conferentiegesprek naar China,
03:19
drinks with girlfriends,
a conference call with China --
a conference call with China --
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om het even, ze kennen je toch niet.
03:22
it doesn't matter, they don't know you.
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Het punt is één uur.
03:24
The point is one hour.
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Is het geweldig, plan dan 'n eerste date.
03:26
If it's awesome,
you schedule a first date.
you schedule a first date.
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03:29
And if it's not awesome,
you downshift into entertainer mode
you downshift into entertainer mode
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Is het niet geweldig,
ga in entertainermodus
ga in entertainermodus
03:32
and you workshop a few new stories
for your next networking event.
for your next networking event.
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en werk aan je ijsbrekers
voor netwerkbijeenkomsten.
voor netwerkbijeenkomsten.
03:35
Plus, because it's just an hour,
you can squeeze up to three in one evening
you can squeeze up to three in one evening
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En het is slechts een uur.
Je kan er drie ineens doen
en je hoeft je slechts
één keer per week op te tutten.
één keer per week op te tutten.
03:39
and then you only have to do your hair
and pick out one great outfit a week.
and pick out one great outfit a week.
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03:43
The zero date also gave me a chance
to see how they responded
to see how they responded
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Met de nuldate kon ik zien
hoe ze reageerden als ik ze uitvroeg.
hoe ze reageerden als ik ze uitvroeg.
03:46
to me asking them out.
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03:47
I figured not everyone
would dig my moxie, and I was right.
would dig my moxie, and I was right.
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Zoveel pit valt niet bij iedereen goed,
zo bleek inderdaad.
zo bleek inderdaad.
03:51
Of my 29 qualified leads,
only 15 replied to my message,
only 15 replied to my message,
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Van 29 leads reageerden er slechts 15
03:55
and of those, six scheduled a zero date.
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en daarvan wilden zes 'n nuldate met me.
03:58
My first zero date
was with a set designer.
was with a set designer.
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De eerste nuldate was met 'n setdesigner.
04:00
And we were both into yoga
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We hielden beiden van yoga
04:01
and preferred our bagels
with peanut butter,
with peanut butter,
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en van bagels met pindakaas.
Dus dat was beloftevol.
04:03
so it looked pretty promising.
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04:05
But two minutes in, I could tell
it wasn't going to be a thing
it wasn't going to be a thing
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Maar gauw wist ik dat het niks werd
en ik was blij dat we
niet zouden gaan eten.
niet zouden gaan eten.
04:08
and I was relieved not to be
spending dinner with him.
spending dinner with him.
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04:10
After that, I was a little nervous
about going to my next zero date.
about going to my next zero date.
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Toen was is nerveus
voor de volgende nuldate.
voor de volgende nuldate.
04:14
But we had agreed to meet
on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade
on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade
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We spraken af aan
de Brooklyn Heights Promenade
de Brooklyn Heights Promenade
met een fles whiskey, bij zonsondergang,
04:16
with a flask of whiskey
to watch the sunset,
to watch the sunset,
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04:18
and honestly, it was two blocks
from my apartment.
from my apartment.
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op 'n steenworp van mijn flat.
04:21
Plus, this guy had a podcast,
I have a podcast,
I have a podcast,
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Hij had 'n podcast en ik ook,
04:24
worst case scenario,
we can talk about our podcasts.
we can talk about our podcasts.
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dus konden we altijd nog daarover praten.
Toen ging Chas naast me zitten.
04:27
Then, Chas set down next to me.
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Hij was lief en empathisch,
04:30
And this kind and empathetic man
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vertelde leuke grapjes
en stelde nog betere vragen.
en stelde nog betere vragen.
04:32
told great jokes
and asked even better questions.
and asked even better questions.
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Hij was advocaat en schrijver
en had twinkelogen
en had twinkelogen
04:36
He was a lawyer and a writer,
and his eyes twinkled when he laughed
and his eyes twinkled when he laughed
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die hij dichtkneep toen ik hem kuste.
04:40
and they squeezed tight when I kissed him
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04:42
and at some point in the evening,
our zero date became a first date.
our zero date became a first date.
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Die avond werd
de nuldate onze eerste date.
de nuldate onze eerste date.
04:45
And two years later, we have a washer,
dryer and two house plants together.
dryer and two house plants together.
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Twee jaar later hebben we
huisraad en twee planten samen.
huisraad en twee planten samen.
04:50
Now, I can't promise
you're going to end up with house plants.
you're going to end up with house plants.
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Ik kan je geen planten garanderen.
04:53
But the point of this story
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Maar het punt is
dat online daten niet altijd faalt.
04:55
is that online dating
doesn't have to suck.
doesn't have to suck.
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Het is geen spel
of 'n screening van 'n cv.
of 'n screening van 'n cv.
04:57
Don't treat it like a game,
and don't treat it like a resume review.
and don't treat it like a resume review.
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Zie het liever als
'n bron voor goede leads
'n bron voor goede leads
05:01
Instead, use it to source
and qualify leads
and qualify leads
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05:04
and then get offline as quickly
as possible with the zero date.
as possible with the zero date.
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en ga zo snel mogelijk
offline voor een nuldate.
offline voor een nuldate.
Het doel hiervan is niet swipen
05:08
Because the point of this isn't swiping.
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maar je ware vinden.
05:11
It's finding your person.
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Veel succes.
05:13
Good luck.
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05:14
(Applause)
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(Applaus)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Christina Wallace - Entrepreneur, podcaster, storytellerA self-described "human Venn diagram," Christina Wallace has crafted a career at the intersection of business, the arts and technology.
Why you should listen
Christina Wallace is currently the VP of Growth at Bionic, co-host of The Limit Does Not Exist podcast and co-author of upcoming business book New-to-Big, which will be published by Currency (Penguin Random House) in Spring 2019.
Wallace previously founded fashion company Quincy and ed-tech startup BridgeUp: STEM inside the American Museum of Natural History, and she opened the New York office for Startup Institute. Mashable named her one of "44 Female Founders to Know" and Refinery29 declared her one of the "Most Powerful Women in NYC Tech."
In her free time, Wallace sings in a community choir, climbs mountains, runs half (and some full) marathons and volunteers for progressive political causes. She lives with her fiancé and their two houseplants in Brooklyn, New York.
Watch Wallace's TEDxSanAntonio 2016 talk here.
Christina Wallace | Speaker | TED.com