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Bob Stein: A rite of passage for late life
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We use rituals to mark the early stages of our lives, like birthdays and graduations -- but what about our later years? In this meditative talk about looking both backward and forward, Bob Stein proposes a new tradition of giving away your things (and sharing the stories behind them) as you get older, to reflect on your life so far and open the door to whatever comes next.
Bob Stein - Publisher
Bob Stein has long been in the vanguard: immersed in radical politics as a young man, he grew into one of the founding fathers of new media. He’s wondering what sorts of new rituals and traditions might emerge as society expands to include increasing numbers of people in their eighties and nineties. Full bio
Bob Stein has long been in the vanguard: immersed in radical politics as a young man, he grew into one of the founding fathers of new media. He’s wondering what sorts of new rituals and traditions might emerge as society expands to include increasing numbers of people in their eighties and nineties. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I grew up white, secular and middle class
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in 1950s America.
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That meant watching fireworks
on the Fourth of July,
on the Fourth of July,
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trick-or-treating on Halloween
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and putting presents
under a tree at Christmas.
under a tree at Christmas.
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But by the time
those traditions got to me,
those traditions got to me,
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they were hollow, commercial enterprises,
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which just left me feeling empty.
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So from a relatively young age,
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I found myself looking to fill
an existential hole,
an existential hole,
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to connect with something
bigger than myself.
bigger than myself.
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There hadn't been a bar mitzvah
in my family in over a century,
in my family in over a century,
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so I thought I'd take a shot at that --
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(Laughter)
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only to be devastated
when my one encounter with the rabbi,
when my one encounter with the rabbi,
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a really tall, godlike figure
with flowing white hair,
with flowing white hair,
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consisted of him asking me
for my middle name
for my middle name
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so we could fill out a form.
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Yep, that was it.
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(Laughter)
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So I got the fountain pen,
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but I didn't get the sense
of belonging and confidence
of belonging and confidence
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I was searching for.
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Many years later,
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I couldn't bear the thought
of my son turning 13
of my son turning 13
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without some kind of rite of passage.
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So I came up with the idea
of a 13th birthday trip,
of a 13th birthday trip,
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and I offered to take Murphy
anywhere in the world
anywhere in the world
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that had meaning for him.
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A budding young naturalist
who loved turtles,
who loved turtles,
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he immediately settled on the Galapagos.
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And when my daughter, Katie, turned 13,
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she and I spent two weeks
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon,
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon,
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where Katie learned for the first time
that she was powerful and brave.
that she was powerful and brave.
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Since then, my partner, Ashton,
and lots of our friends and relatives
and lots of our friends and relatives
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have taken their kids
on 13th birthday trips,
on 13th birthday trips,
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with everyone finding it transformative
for both the child and the parent.
for both the child and the parent.
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I wasn't brought up saying grace.
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But for the last 20 years,
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we've been holding hands
before every meal.
before every meal.
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It's a beautiful bit of shared silence
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that brings us all together in the moment.
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Ashton tells everyone
to "pass the squeeze,"
to "pass the squeeze,"
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while she assures them it's not religious.
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(Laughter)
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So recently, when my family asked me
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if I could please do something
with the more than 250 boxes of stuff
with the more than 250 boxes of stuff
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that I've collected over a lifetime,
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my ritual-making impulse kicked in.
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I started wondering if I could go further
than simple death cleaning.
than simple death cleaning.
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"Death cleaning" is the Swedish term
for clearing our your closets,
for clearing our your closets,
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your basement and your attic
before you die,
before you die,
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so your kids don't have to do it later.
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(Laughter)
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I pictured my children
opening up box after box
opening up box after box
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and wondering why I'd kept
any of that stuff.
any of that stuff.
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02:59
(Laughter)
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And then I imagined them looking
at a specific picture
at a specific picture
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of me with a beautiful young woman,
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and asking, "Who on earth
is that with Dad?"
is that with Dad?"
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03:09
(Laughter)
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And that was the aha moment.
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It wasn't the things I'd saved
that were important;
that were important;
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it was the stories that went with them
that gave them meaning.
that gave them meaning.
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Could using the objects
to tell the stories
to tell the stories
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be the seed of a new ritual,
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a rite of passage --
not for a 13-year-old,
not for a 13-year-old,
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but for someone much further
down the road?
down the road?
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So I started experimenting.
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I got a few dozen things out of the boxes,
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I put them about in a room,
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and I invited people to come in
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and ask me about anything
that they found interesting.
that they found interesting.
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The results were terrific.
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A good story became a launching pad
for a much deeper discussion,
for a much deeper discussion,
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in which my visitors made
meaningful connections
meaningful connections
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to their own lives.
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04:00
Derrius [Quarles] asked me
about a Leonard Peltier T-shirt
about a Leonard Peltier T-shirt
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that I'd worn a lot in the '80s,
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that, sadly, is still relevant today.
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Our conversation moved quickly,
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from a large number of political
prisoners in American jails,
prisoners in American jails,
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to Derrius wondering about the legacy
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of the Black Liberation
Movement of the '60s,
Movement of the '60s,
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and how his life might be different
if he'd come of age then,
if he'd come of age then,
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instead of 30-odd years later.
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At the end of our conversation,
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Derrius asked me
if he could have the T-shirt.
if he could have the T-shirt.
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And giving it to him felt
just about perfect.
just about perfect.
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As these conversations
established common ground,
established common ground,
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especially across generations,
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I realized I was opening a space
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for people to talk about things
that really mattered to them.
that really mattered to them.
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And I started seeing myself
with a renewed sense of purpose --
with a renewed sense of purpose --
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not as the old guy on the way out,
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but as someone with a role to play
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going forward.
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05:01
When I was growing up,
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life ended for most people in their 70s.
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People are living far longer now,
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and for the first time in human history,
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it's common for four generations
to be living side by side.
to be living side by side.
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I'm 71,
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and with a bit of luck,
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I've got 20 or 30 more years ahead of me.
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Giving away my stuff now
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and sharing it with friends, family,
and I hope strangers, too,
and I hope strangers, too,
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seems like the perfect way
to enter this next stage of my life.
to enter this next stage of my life.
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Turns out to be just
what I was looking for:
what I was looking for:
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a ritual that's less about dying
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and more about opening the door
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to whatever comes next.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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Onward!
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Bob Stein - PublisherBob Stein has long been in the vanguard: immersed in radical politics as a young man, he grew into one of the founding fathers of new media. He’s wondering what sorts of new rituals and traditions might emerge as society expands to include increasing numbers of people in their eighties and nineties.
Why you should listen
Until his early 30's, Bob Stein was a full-time radical activist. In 1981, he spent a year researching and writing a paper for Encyclopedia Britannica -- "EB and the Intellectual Tools of the Future" -- and he has been involved in electronic publishing ever since. In 1984 he founded The Criterion Collection, a critically acclaimed series of definitive films, which included the first supplementary sections and director commentaries and introduced the letterbox format. He also founded The Voyager Company, which in 1989 published one of the first commercial CD-ROMs, "The CD Companion to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony." In 1992 Voyager published the first electronic books, including Douglas Adams's Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park. In 2004 The MacArthur Foundation provided a generous grant with which Stein founded the Institute for the Future of the Book, a small think and do tank aimed at exploring and influencing the evolution of new forms of intellectual expression. In 2005, the Institute published the first "networked books," which an important milestone in the shift to social reading and writing as discourse moves from pages to screens. After waiting 25 years, since he saw the first public demo of VR, Stein is currently working on a platform to present music and art performance in a shared social space.
Bob Stein | Speaker | TED.com