TEDMED 2014
Kitra Cahana: My father, locked in his body but soaring free
Kitra Cahana: Moj otac, zaključan u vlastitom tijelu, no nesputanog duha
Filmed:
Readability: 4.2
1,152,178 views
Godine 2011. Ronnie Cahana doživio je snažan moždani udar zbog kojega sada pati od "sindroma zaključanosti": paralizirano mu je cijelo tijelo osim očiju. Iako bi ovo slomilo psihičko stanje svakog prosječnog čovjeka, Cahama je pronašao svoj mir "utišavši žamor vanjskog svijeta" i "iznova se zaljubivši u život i tijelo". U ovom tmurnom, emocionalnom govoru njegova kćer Kitra govori kako je dokumentirala očevo duhovno iskustvo dok je on u stanju vlastite prividne bespomoćnosti pružao vodstvo drugima.
Kitra Cahana - Vagabond photojournalist + conceptual artist
Kitra Cahana is a Canadian photographer who blurs the line between anthropologist and journalist. Full bio
Kitra Cahana is a Canadian photographer who blurs the line between anthropologist and journalist. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I know a man who soars above the city every night.
0
603
5862
Znam čovjeka
koji lebdi gradom svake noći.
koji lebdi gradom svake noći.
00:18
In his dreams, he twirls and swirls
1
6465
2994
U snovima lebdi i okreće se
00:21
with his toes kissing the Earth.
2
9459
2867
dok mu stopala ljube Zemlju.
00:24
Everything has motion, he claims,
3
12326
2814
Sve je u pokretu, kaže on,
00:27
even a body as paralyzed as his own.
4
15140
4842
čak i paralizirano tijelo poput njegova.
00:31
This man is my father.
5
19982
4830
On je moj otac.
00:36
Three years ago, when I found out
6
24812
1901
Prije tri godine kada sam saznala
00:38
that my father had suffered a severe stroke
7
26713
2587
da mi je otac doživio snažan
00:41
in his brain stem,
8
29300
2126
moždani udar,
00:43
I walked into his room in the ICU
9
31426
3474
ušla sam u njegovu sobu
na intenzivnoj njezi
na intenzivnoj njezi
00:46
at the Montreal Neurological Institute
10
34900
2984
na Neurološkom institutu u Montrealu
00:49
and found him lying deathly still,
11
37884
2643
i vidjela ga kako leži mirno kao mrtvac,
00:52
tethered to a breathing machine.
12
40527
2936
priključen na uređaj za disanje.
00:55
Paralysis had closed over his body slowly,
13
43463
4431
Paraliza mu je polako oduzimala tijelo,
00:59
beginning in his toes, then legs,
14
47894
2071
najprije nožne prste, zatim noge,
01:01
torso, fingers and arms.
15
49965
2530
prsa, prste i ruke.
01:04
It made its way up his neck,
16
52495
2205
Konačno se proširila i na vrat,
01:06
cutting off his ability to breathe,
17
54700
2205
onemogućavajući mu disanje
01:08
and stopped just beneath the eyes.
18
56905
4477
i zaustavila se točno ispod očiju.
01:13
He never lost consciousness.
19
61382
2171
Cijelo vrijeme nije izgubio svijest,
01:15
Rather, he watched from within
20
63553
2587
već je iznutra promatrao
01:18
as his body shut down,
21
66140
2306
kako mu se tijelo gasi,
01:20
limb by limb,
22
68446
2137
ud po ud,
01:22
muscle by muscle.
23
70583
2959
mišić po mišić.
01:25
In that ICU room, I walked up to my father's body,
24
73542
4558
U toj sobi za intenzivnu njegu,
prišla sam očevu tijelu
prišla sam očevu tijelu
01:30
and with a quivering voice and through tears,
25
78100
3599
i drhtećim glasom i kroz suze
01:33
I began reciting the alphabet.
26
81699
3413
počela sam recitirati abecedu.
01:37
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
27
85112
5898
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
01:43
H, I, J, K.
28
91010
4130
H, I, J, K.
01:47
At K, he blinked his eyes.
29
95140
2952
Trepnuo je na K.
01:50
I began again.
30
98092
2154
Krenula sam ispočetka.
01:52
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
31
100246
4494
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
01:56
H, I.
32
104740
2010
H, I.
01:58
He blinked again at the letter I,
33
106750
3138
Tada ja trepnuo na slovo I,
02:01
then at T, then at R, and A:
34
109888
3992
zatim na T, pa R i na kraju na A:
02:05
Kitra.
35
113880
1847
Kitra.
02:07
He said "Kitra, my beauty, don't cry.
36
115727
3958
Rekao je: "Kitra, draga moja,
nemoj plakati.
nemoj plakati.
02:11
This is a blessing."
37
119685
4455
Ovo je blagoslov."
02:16
There was no audible voice, but my father
38
124140
2655
Nije se čuo glas, ali moj je otac
02:18
called out my name powerfully.
39
126795
3048
snažno zazvao moje ime.
02:21
Just 72 hours after his stroke,
40
129843
3092
Samo 72 sata nakon moždanog udara
02:24
he had already embraced
41
132935
1755
već je prihvatio
02:26
the totality of his condition.
42
134690
3475
svoje stanje u cijelosti.
02:30
Despite his extreme physical state,
43
138165
2500
Unatoč ekstremnom fizičkom stanju,
02:32
he was completely present with me,
44
140665
2956
bio je potpuno prisutan;
02:35
guiding, nurturing,
45
143621
2632
vodio me, njegovao
02:38
and being my father as much
46
146253
2250
i bio je moj otac onoliko,
02:40
if not more than ever before.
47
148503
3236
ako ne i više nego prije.
02:43
Locked-in syndrome
48
151739
1563
Sindrom zaključanosti
02:45
is many people's worst nightmare.
49
153302
3401
najgora je noćna mora mnogih ljudi.
02:48
In French, it's sometimes called
50
156703
2408
U francuskom to nekad nazivamo:
02:51
"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."
51
159111
2080
"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."
02:53
Literally, "walled-in-alive disease."
52
161191
5321
Doslovno: "bolest živ-zazidan".
02:58
For many people, perhaps most,
53
166512
1755
Za mnoge ljude, možda i za većinu,
03:00
paralysis is an unspeakable horror,
54
168267
3532
paraliza je neopisiv užas,
03:03
but my father's experience
55
171799
2341
ali iskustvo moga oca
03:06
losing every system of his body
56
174140
2371
dok je gubio svaki sustav u svom tijelu
03:08
was not an experience of feeling trapped,
57
176511
3061
nije bilo iskustvo zazidavanja,
03:11
but rather of turning the psyche inwards,
58
179572
4161
već okretanje psihe prema unutra
03:15
dimming down the external chatter,
59
183733
3195
isključujući vanjsku buku,
03:18
facing the recesses of his own mind,
60
186928
2925
suočavanje s vrelom vlastita uma
03:21
and in that place,
61
189853
1837
i ondje se
03:23
falling in love with life and body anew.
62
191690
4780
iznova zaljubio u život i tijelo.
03:28
As a rabbi and spiritual man
63
196470
2696
Kao rabin i duhovan čovjek
03:31
dangling between mind and body, life and death,
64
199166
4114
koji visi između uma i tijela,
života i smrti,
života i smrti,
03:35
the paralysis opened up a new awareness for him.
65
203280
4527
paraliza mu je otvorila nove svijesti.
03:39
He realized he no longer needed to look
66
207807
2414
Shvatio je kako više ne treba gledati
03:42
beyond the corporeal world
67
210221
3029
povrh tjelesnog svijeta
03:45
in order to find the divine.
68
213250
3249
kako bi pronašao duhovni svijet.
03:48
"Paradise is in this body.
69
216499
3889
"Raj je u ovom tijelu.
03:52
It's in this world," he said.
70
220388
3762
U ovom je svijetu.", rekao je.
03:56
I slept by my father's side for the first four months,
71
224150
3856
Prva četiri mjeseca spavala sam uz oca,
04:00
tending as much as I could
72
228006
2114
brinula o njemu koliko god sam mogla
04:02
to his every discomfort,
73
230120
2645
i pokušavala umanjiti
svaku njegovu neugodu,
svaku njegovu neugodu,
04:04
understanding the deep
human psychological fear
human psychological fear
74
232765
3350
razumijevajući duboki
ljudski psihološki strah
ljudski psihološki strah
04:08
of not being able to call out for help.
75
236115
3485
nemogućnosti pozivanja upomoć.
04:11
My mother, sisters, brother and I,
76
239600
3726
Moja majka, sestre, brat i ja
04:15
we surrounded him in a cocoon of healing.
77
243326
4364
zamotali smo ga u čahuru izlječenja.
04:19
We became his mouthpiece,
78
247690
2100
Postali smo njegov vjesnik
04:21
spending hours each day reciting the alphabet
79
249790
3829
provodeći sate i sate recitirajući abecedu
dok nam je on šaptao propovjedi
04:25
as he whispered back sermons
80
253619
2362
04:27
and poetry with blinks of his eye.
81
255981
3669
i poeziju treptajima oka.
04:31
His room, it became our temple of healing.
82
259650
5454
Njegova soba postala je hram izlječenja.
04:37
His bedside became a site for those
83
265104
2722
Njegov bolesnički krevet
postao je utočište
postao je utočište
04:39
seeking advice and spiritual counsel, and through us,
84
267826
4085
onih u potrazi za savjetovanjem
i duhovnim vodstvom, a kroz nas
i duhovnim vodstvom, a kroz nas
04:43
my father was able to speak
85
271911
2540
moj je otac bio sposoban govoriti
04:46
and uplift,
86
274451
2194
i ohrabrivati,
04:48
letter by letter,
87
276645
1991
slovo po slovo,
04:50
blink by blink.
88
278636
2464
treptaj po treptaj.
04:53
Everything in our world became slow and tender
89
281100
3892
Sve je u našim svjetovima
postalo usporeno i nježno
postalo usporeno i nježno
04:56
as the din, drama and death of the hospital ward
90
284992
3364
dok su galama, drama i smrt
kojima je bolnički odjel bio ispunjen
kojima je bolnički odjel bio ispunjen
05:00
faded into the background.
91
288356
3504
polako padali u drugi plan.
05:03
I want to read to you one of the first things
92
291860
2100
Želim vam pročitati neke od prvih stvari
05:05
that we transcribed in the week following the stroke.
93
293960
4241
koje smo transkribrirali
tijekom tjedna poslije udara.
tijekom tjedna poslije udara.
05:10
He composed a letter,
94
298201
2380
Sastavio je pismo
05:12
addressing his synagogue congregation,
95
300581
2621
koje je oslovio na svoju sinagogu,
05:15
and ended it with the following lines:
96
303202
3509
a pismo je završilo ovim riječima:
05:18
"When my nape exploded,
97
306711
2479
"Kada mi je zatiljak eksplodirao,
05:21
I entered another dimension:
98
309190
2763
zakoračio sam u drugu dimenziju:
05:23
inchoate, sub-planetary, protozoan.
99
311953
4657
u začetku, subplanetarnu, praživotinjsku.
05:28
Universes are opened and closed continually.
100
316610
4589
Svemiri se kontinuirano
otvoriše i zatvoriše.
otvoriše i zatvoriše.
05:33
There are many when low,
101
321199
2059
Kada su nisko,
05:35
who stop growing.
102
323258
2205
mnogi prestaju rasti.
05:37
Last week, I was brought so low,
103
325463
2104
Prošlog tjedna bio sam tako nisko,
05:39
but I felt the hand of my father around me,
104
327567
3435
ali osjetio sam Očevu ruku oko sebe
05:43
and my father brought me back."
105
331002
3420
i On me vratio."
05:46
When we weren't his voice,
106
334422
2245
Kad nismo bili njegov glas,
05:48
we were his legs and arms.
107
336667
3333
bili smo njegove noge i ruke.
05:52
I moved them like I know I would have wanted
108
340000
2652
Micala sam ih kako bih i sama htjela
05:54
my own arms and legs to be moved
109
342652
2597
da miču moje ruke i noge
05:57
were they still for all the hours of the day.
110
345249
3892
da su bile nepokrenute toliko vremena.
06:01
I remember I'd hold his fingers near my face,
111
349141
3983
Sjećam se kako bih držala
njegove ruke pored svoga lica,
njegove ruke pored svoga lica,
06:05
bending each joint to keep it soft and limber.
112
353124
4286
savijajući svaki zglob
da bi ostao mekan i gibak.
da bi ostao mekan i gibak.
06:09
I'd ask him again and again
113
357410
2351
Neprestano sam ga tražila
06:11
to visualize the motion,
114
359761
2497
da zamisli taj pokret,
06:14
to watch from within as the finger curled
115
362258
3521
da iznutra promatra
kako se prst svija
kako se prst svija
06:17
and extended, and to move along with it
116
365779
4072
i ispravlja i da to isto radi
06:21
in his mind.
117
369851
2711
u svom umu.
06:24
Then, one day, from the corner of my eye,
118
372562
2013
Zatim jednog dana kutkom oka
06:26
I saw his body slither like a snake,
119
374575
3723
vidjela sam kako mu tijelo
klizi poput zmije,
klizi poput zmije,
06:30
an involuntary spasm passing through the course
120
378298
3305
nenamjeran grč što je prolazio
06:33
of his limbs.
121
381603
2287
svim njegovim udovima.
06:35
At first, I thought it was my own hallucination,
122
383890
2215
Isprva sam pomislila da haluciniram
06:38
having spent so much time tending to this one body,
123
386105
3555
nakon što sam toliko vremena
provela uz to jedno tijelo,
provela uz to jedno tijelo,
06:41
so desperate to see anything react on its own.
124
389660
4660
očajnički se nadajući da će reagirati
samo od sebe.
samo od sebe.
06:46
But he told me he felt tingles,
125
394320
2660
No rekao mi je da je osjetio trnce,
06:48
sparks of electricity flickering on and off
126
396980
3535
iskre struje koje su se palile i gasile
06:52
just beneath the surface of the skin.
127
400515
3757
ispod površine kože.
06:56
The following week, he began ever so slightly
128
404272
3307
Sljedećeg je tjedna počeo pokazivati
06:59
to show muscle resistance.
129
407579
2756
gotovo neprimjetnu mišićnu rezistenciju.
07:02
Connections were being made.
130
410335
2605
Stvarale su se veze.
07:04
Body was slowly and gently reawakening,
131
412940
5224
Tijelo se ponovno budilo sporo i nježno,
07:10
limb by limb, muscle by muscle,
132
418164
3546
ud po ud, mišić po mišić,
07:13
twitch by twitch.
133
421710
2931
trzaj po trzaj.
07:16
As a documentary photographer,
134
424641
2637
Budući da sam dokumentarni fotograf,
07:19
I felt the need to photograph
135
427278
1802
imala sam potrebu fotografirati
07:21
each of his first movements
136
429080
2200
svaki od njegovih prvih pokreta
07:23
like a mother with her newborn.
137
431280
2650
poput majke s novorođenim djetetom.
07:25
I photographed him taking his first unaided breath,
138
433930
4504
Fotografirala sam njegov
prvi nepotpomognuti udisaj,
prvi nepotpomognuti udisaj,
07:30
the celebratory moment after he showed
139
438434
2779
trenutak vrijedan slavlja kad je pokazao
07:33
muscle resistance for the very first time,
140
441213
4007
mišićnu rezistenciju po prvi put,
07:37
the new adapted technologies that allowed him
141
445220
2710
novorazvijene tehnologije
koje su mu omogućile
koje su mu omogućile
07:39
to gain more and more independence.
142
447930
3880
da dobiva sve više neovisnosti.
07:43
I photographed the care and the love
143
451810
2013
Fotografirala sam njegu i ljubav
07:45
that surrounded him.
144
453823
2328
što ga je okruživala.
07:56
But my photographs only told the outside story
145
464890
3414
No moje fotografije
pričaju samo vanjsku priču
pričaju samo vanjsku priču
08:00
of a man lying in a hospital bed
146
468304
3312
o čovjeku koji leži u bolničkom krevetu,
08:03
attached to a breathing machine.
147
471616
1654
pričvršćenom za uređaj za disanje.
08:05
I wasn't able to portray his story from within,
148
473270
3622
Nisam mogla prenijeti
njegovu unutrašnju priču,
njegovu unutrašnju priču,
08:08
and so I began to search for a new visual language,
149
476892
3323
pa sam počela tražiti
novi vizualni jezik,
novi vizualni jezik,
08:12
one which strived to express the ephemeral quality
150
480215
3298
jezik kojemu je cilj bio
izraziti prolaznost
izraziti prolaznost
08:15
of his spiritual experience.
151
483513
3896
njegovih duhovnih iskustava.
08:38
Finally, I want to share with you
152
506026
2258
Naposljetku, željela bih vam pokazati
08:40
a video from a series that I've been working on
153
508284
3358
jedan u nizu videa na kojima sam radila,
08:43
that tries to express the slow, in-between existence
154
511642
3268
a koji nastoji prikazati sporu
podijeljenu egzistenciju
podijeljenu egzistenciju
08:46
that my father has experienced.
155
514910
2710
što ju je iskusio moj otac.
08:49
As he began to regain his ability to breathe,
156
517620
3550
Kako mu se vraćala sposobnost disanja,
08:53
I started recording his thoughts,
157
521170
2632
tako sam ja počela snimati njegove misli,
08:55
and so the voice that you hear in this video
158
523802
1924
a glas koji čujete u ovom videu
08:57
is his voice.
159
525726
2610
njegov je glas.
09:00
(Video) Ronnie Cahana: You have to believe
160
528336
3082
(Video) Ronnie Cahana: Morate vjerovati
09:03
you're paralyzed
161
531418
2734
da ste paralizirani
09:06
to play the part
162
534152
2755
da biste mogli biti
09:08
of a quadriplegic.
163
536907
5233
tetraplegičar.
09:14
I don't.
164
542140
1968
Ja ne vjerujem.
09:16
In my mind,
165
544108
2586
U mom umu,
09:18
and in my dreams
166
546694
2762
u mojim snovima
09:21
every night
167
549456
2840
svake noći
09:24
I Chagall-man float
168
552296
4915
poput Chagalla
09:29
over the city
169
557211
3128
lebdim gradom,
09:32
twirl and swirl
170
560339
3217
lebdim i okrećem se
09:35
with my toes kissing the floor.
171
563556
7919
dok mi stopala ljube tlo.
09:43
I know nothing about the statement
172
571475
6907
Ne znam ništa
09:50
of man without motion.
173
578382
5793
o nepokretnom čovjeku.
09:56
Everything has motion.
174
584175
3624
Sve je u pokretu.
09:59
The heart pumps.
175
587799
3351
Srce kuca.
10:03
The body heaves.
176
591150
4296
Tijelo se giba.
10:07
The mouth moves.
177
595446
4714
Usne se kreću.
10:12
We never stagnate.
178
600160
4071
Nikad ne stagniramo.
10:16
Life triumphs up and down.
179
604231
6824
Život trijumfura gore-dolje."
10:23
Kitra Cahana: For most of us,
180
611055
2076
Kitra Cahana: Većini nas
10:25
our muscles begin to twitch and move
181
613131
2734
mišići se počinju trzati i micati
10:27
long before we are conscious,
182
615865
2508
puno prije no što dođemo svijesti,
10:30
but my father tells me his privilege
183
618373
2917
ali otac mi kaže
kako je njegova privilegija
kako je njegova privilegija
10:33
is living on the far periphery
184
621290
2179
život na krajnjoj periferiji
10:35
of the human experience.
185
623469
3003
ljudskog doživljavanja.
10:38
Like an astronaut who sees a perspective
186
626472
2632
Poput astronauta koji ima pogled
10:41
that very few of us will ever get to share,
187
629104
3218
koji će vrlo malo nas ikada vidjeti,
10:44
he wonders and watches as he takes
188
632322
3106
pita se i promatra
10:47
his first breaths
189
635428
1877
dok udiše prve udisaje
10:49
and dreams about crawling back home.
190
637305
4039
i sanja o tome kako puzi natrag kući.
10:53
So begins life at 57, he says.
191
641344
3779
Život počinje u 57. godini, kaže.
10:57
A toddler has no attitude in its being,
192
645123
3499
Malo dijete nema
nikakvog stava u svome biću,
nikakvog stava u svome biću,
11:00
but a man insists on his world every day.
193
648622
5703
ali čovjek svakog dana
inzistira na svome svijetu.
inzistira na svome svijetu.
11:06
Few of us will ever have to face physical limitations
194
654325
3645
Rijetki će se od nas suočiti
s fizičkim ograničenjima
s fizičkim ograničenjima
11:09
to the degree that my father has,
195
657970
2958
s kakvima se suočava moj otac,
11:12
but we will all have moments of paralysis
196
660928
3151
ali svi ćemo doživjeti trenutke paralize
11:16
in our lives.
197
664079
2361
u našim životima.
11:18
I know I frequently confront walls
198
666440
3218
I sama često nailazim na prepreke
11:21
that feel completely unscalable,
199
669658
3239
koje se doimaju sasvim nepremostive,
11:24
but my father insists
200
672897
2260
ali moj otac tvrdi
11:27
that there are no dead ends.
201
675157
2873
kako nema bezizlaznih situacija.
11:30
Instead, he invites me into his space of co-healing
202
678030
5210
Poziva me u svoj prostor
međusobnog izlječenja
međusobnog izlječenja
11:35
to give the very best of myself, and for him
203
683240
3604
u kojem dajem najbolje od sebe,
11:38
to give the very best of himself to me.
204
686844
3430
a on meni daje najbolje od sebe.
11:42
Paralysis was an opening for him.
205
690274
3037
Paraliza mu je pružila nov početak.
11:45
It was an opportunity to emerge,
206
693311
2351
Bila je to prilika da oživi
11:47
to rekindle life force,
207
695662
2194
svoju životnu silu,
11:49
to sit still long enough with himself
208
697856
2034
da dovoljno dugo bude sam sa sobom
11:51
so as to fall in love with the full continuum
209
699890
3310
kako bi se zaljubio u kontinuum
11:55
of creation.
210
703200
2294
stvaranja.
11:57
Today, my father is no longer locked in.
211
705494
3982
Danas više nije "zaključan".
12:01
He moves his neck with ease,
212
709476
3161
S lakoćom miče vratom,
12:04
has had his feeding peg removed,
213
712637
2731
više se ne hrani na cjevčicu,
12:07
breathes with his own lungs,
214
715368
2782
diše vlastitim plućima,
12:10
speaks slowly with his own quiet voice,
215
718150
3484
govori sporo vlastitim tihim glasom
12:13
and works every day
216
721634
2304
i svakodnevno radi
12:15
to gain more movement in his paralyzed body.
217
723938
5210
na pokretanju svog paraliziranog tijela.
12:21
But the work will never be finished.
218
729148
2351
Ali taj posao nikad neće biti gotov.
12:23
As he says, "I'm living in a broken world,
219
731499
4713
Kao što sam kaže:
"Živim u svijetu u ruševinama
"Živim u svijetu u ruševinama
12:28
and there is holy work to do."
220
736212
3031
i čeka me nebeski posao."
12:31
Thank you.
221
739243
2020
Hvala vam.
(Pljesak)
12:33
(Applause)
222
741263
3857
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Kitra Cahana - Vagabond photojournalist + conceptual artistKitra Cahana is a Canadian photographer who blurs the line between anthropologist and journalist.
Why you should listen
Kitra Cahana is a wanderer. The American-born photographer was raised in Canada and Sweden, with a father who worked as a rabbi and took his family along with him everywhere he traveled. Cahana's itinerant childhood is evident in her work, which has taken her to teenage "rainbow parties," Venezuelan spiritual rituals, Ukranian Ultra-Orthodox prayer sites, American boxcars and bus stops and many more places. The 2014 TED Fellow embeds herself in the societies she documents, playing the part of photojouralist as well as enthnographer.
Kitra Cahana | Speaker | TED.com