TEDWomen 2015
Lee Mokobe: A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender
Lee Mokobe: Sebuah puisi hebat tentang apa yang transgender rasa
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"I was the mystery of an anatomy, a question asked but not answered," says poet Lee Mokobe, a TED Fellow, in this gripping and poetic exploration of identity and transition. It's a thoughtful reflection on bodies, and the meanings poured into them.
Lee Mokobe - Poet
Lee Mokobe is a 20-year-old South African slam poet and co-founder of Vocal Revolutionaries. Full bio
Lee Mokobe is a 20-year-old South African slam poet and co-founder of Vocal Revolutionaries. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
The first time I uttered a prayer
was in a glass-stained cathedral.
was in a glass-stained cathedral.
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Kali pertama aku berdoa
adalah di gereja dengan gelas berwarna.
adalah di gereja dengan gelas berwarna.
00:18
I was kneeling long after
the congregation was on its feet,
the congregation was on its feet,
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Aku masih berlutut selepas
jemaah sudah berdiri,
jemaah sudah berdiri,
00:21
dip both hands into holy water,
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celupkan tanganku dalam air suci,
00:23
trace the trinity across my chest,
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surihkan triniti di dada saya,
00:25
my tiny body drooping
like a question mark
like a question mark
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badan kecilku melabuh
serupa tanda tanya
serupa tanda tanya
00:28
all over the wooden pew.
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di bangku kayu gereja.
00:30
I asked Jesus to fix me,
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Aku pohon Jesus selamatkanku,
00:33
and when he did not answer
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dan bila Dia tidak jawab
00:35
I befriended silence in the hopes
that my sin would burn
that my sin would burn
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aku berkawan kesenyapan dengan harapan
dosaku akan terbakar
dosaku akan terbakar
00:38
and salve my mouth
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dan melegakan mulutku
00:39
would dissolve like sugar on tongue,
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akan larut macam gula atas lidah,
00:41
but shame lingered as an aftertaste.
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tapi rasa malu masih melekat
00:43
And in an attempt
to reintroduce me to sanctity,
to reintroduce me to sanctity,
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Dan dalam cubaan memperkenalkan aku
ke kesucian semula,
ke kesucian semula,
00:46
my mother told me of the miracle I was,
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ibuku memberitahuku keajaibanku,
00:49
said I could grow up
to be anything I want.
to be anything I want.
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katanya aku boleh membesar
menjadi apa yang aku nak.
menjadi apa yang aku nak.
00:52
I decided to
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Aku memutuskan untuk
00:55
be a boy.
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menjadi seorang lelaki.
00:56
It was cute.
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Ia comel.
00:57
I had snapback, toothless grin,
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Aku senyum tak terjangka, tanpa gigi,
00:59
used skinned knees as street cred,
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gunakan lutut cedera sebagai
lesen,
lesen,
01:00
played hide and seek with
what was left of my goal.
what was left of my goal.
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mainkan sembunyi-sorok dengan
apa yang tinggal.
apa yang tinggal.
01:03
I was it.
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Aku adalah 'ia'.
01:04
The winner to a game
the other kids couldn't play,
the other kids couldn't play,
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Johan permainan yang lain
tidak dapat main,
tidak dapat main,
01:06
I was the mystery of an anatomy,
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aku adalah misteri anatomi,
01:08
a question asked but not answered,
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soalan ditanya tak dijawab,
01:10
tightroping between awkward boy
and apologetic girl,
and apologetic girl,
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berseimbang antara lelaki kekok
dan gadis bermaafan,
dan gadis bermaafan,
01:14
and when I turned 12, the boy phase
wasn't deemed cute anymore.
wasn't deemed cute anymore.
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dan bila aku 12, fasa lelaki
tidak lagi comel.
tidak lagi comel.
01:19
It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed
seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,
seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,
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Ia ditemui dengan makcik yang rindu
penampilanku dengan skirt,
penampilanku dengan skirt,
01:25
who reminded me that my kind of attitude
would never bring a husband home,
would never bring a husband home,
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yang mengingatkanku sikap begini
takkan bawakan suami,
takkan bawakan suami,
01:29
that I exist for heterosexual marriage
and child-bearing.
and child-bearing.
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bahawa aku wujud untuk perkahwinan
heteroseksual dan melahirkan anak.
heteroseksual dan melahirkan anak.
01:33
And I swallowed their insults
along with their slurs.
along with their slurs.
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Dan aku menelan penghinaan mereka.
01:36
Naturally, I did not
come out of the closet.
come out of the closet.
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Tentu aku tidak keluar
dari almari (mengaku homoseksual).
dari almari (mengaku homoseksual).
01:39
The kids at my school opened it
without my permission.
without my permission.
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Kanak-kanak di sekolahku membukanya
tanpa izinku,
tanpa izinku,
01:42
Called me by a name I did not recognize,
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memanggilku dengan nama
yang tidak saya iktiraf,
yang tidak saya iktiraf,
01:44
said "lesbian,"
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katakan 'lesbian',
01:46
but I was more boy than girl,
more Ken than Barbie.
more Ken than Barbie.
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tapi aku lebih lelaki dari perempuan,
lebih Ken dari Barbie.
lebih Ken dari Barbie.
01:48
It had nothing to do with hating my body,
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Ia tiada kena mengena dengan benci tubuhku
01:50
I just love it enough to let it go,
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aku cuma cukup sayangnya untuk
lepaskannya,
lepaskannya,
01:53
I treat it like a house,
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aku kendalikannya seperti rumah,
01:54
and when your house is falling apart,
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dan bila rumahmu rosak,
01:56
you do not evacuate,
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kau tidak pindah,
01:57
you make it comfortable enough
to house all your insides,
to house all your insides,
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kau menjadikannya cukup selesa
untuk meletakkanmu,
untuk meletakkanmu,
02:01
you make it pretty enough
to invite guests over,
to invite guests over,
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kau menjadikannya cukup cantik
untuk jemput tetamu,
untuk jemput tetamu,
02:03
you make the floorboards
strong enough to stand on.
strong enough to stand on.
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kau jadikan lantainya cukup kukuh
02:07
My mother fears I have named
myself after fading things.
myself after fading things.
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Ibuku takut aku telah namakan aku
mengikut mereka yang telah pudar.
mengikut mereka yang telah pudar.
02:12
As she counts the echoes
left behind by Mya Hall,
left behind by Mya Hall,
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Beliau mengira gemaan yang ditinggalkan
oleh Mya Hall,
oleh Mya Hall,
02:15
Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.
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Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.
02:18
She fears that I'll die without a whisper,
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Beliau takut aku akan mati
dengan senyap-sepi,
dengan senyap-sepi,
02:20
that I'll turn into "what a shame"
conversations at the bus stop.
conversations at the bus stop.
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takut aku akan jadi tema bualan
"sayangnya" di stesen bas.
"sayangnya" di stesen bas.
02:23
She claims I have turned myself
into a mausoleum,
into a mausoleum,
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Beliau dakwa aku telah jadikanku
sebuah makam,
sebuah makam,
02:26
that I am a walking casket,
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aku sebuah
keranda berjalan,
keranda berjalan,
02:28
news headlines have turned
my identity into a spectacle,
my identity into a spectacle,
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tajuk berita menjadikan identitiku
menjadi sesuatu pameran,
menjadi sesuatu pameran,
02:31
Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips
while the brutality of living in this body
while the brutality of living in this body
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Bruce Jenner dekat mulut semua orang
sedangkan kekejaman hidup di badan ni
sedangkan kekejaman hidup di badan ni
02:34
becomes an asterisk
at the bottom of equality pages.
at the bottom of equality pages.
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menjadi asterisk pada bawah
muka surat keadilan.
muka surat keadilan.
02:38
No one ever thinks of us as human
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Tiada orang ingatkan kami sebagai manusia
02:41
because we are more ghost than flesh,
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kerana kami lebih hantu
daripada manusia,
daripada manusia,
02:43
because people fear that
my gender expression is a trick,
my gender expression is a trick,
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kerana orang takut pernyataan jantinaku
sesuatu helah,
sesuatu helah,
02:46
that it exists to be perverse,
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ia berada kerana sesat,
02:48
that it ensnares them
without their consent,
without their consent,
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ia tertangkap mereka
tanpa persetujuan mereka,
tanpa persetujuan mereka,
02:50
that my body is a feast
for their eyes and hands
for their eyes and hands
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badanku menjadi barang pameran
bagi mereka,
bagi mereka,
02:53
and once they have fed off my queer,
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dan selepas mereka cukup dengan pondanku,
02:55
they'll regurgitate all the parts
they did not like.
they did not like.
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mereka akan meluahkan semua bahagian
yang mereka tidak suka.
yang mereka tidak suka.
02:58
They'll put me back into the closet,
hang me with all the other skeletons.
hang me with all the other skeletons.
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Mereka akan meletakkanku dalam almari,
dengan semua rangka lain (rahsia).
dengan semua rangka lain (rahsia).
03:02
I will be the best attraction.
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Aku ialah tarikan yang terbaik.
03:05
Can you see how easy it is
to talk people into coffins,
to talk people into coffins,
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Bolehkah kamu lihat betapa mudah
mengetuk orang hingga mati,
mengetuk orang hingga mati,
03:08
to misspell their names on gravestones.
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untuk salah eja nama mereka atas
batu nisan.
batu nisan.
03:10
And people still wonder why
there are boys rotting,
there are boys rotting,
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Dan orang masih tertanya
kenapa ada budak yang mereput,
kenapa ada budak yang mereput,
03:13
they go away
in high school hallways
in high school hallways
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mereka pergi di
koridor sekolah,
koridor sekolah,
03:15
they are afraid of becoming another
hashtag in a second
hashtag in a second
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mereka takut menjadi 'hashtag'
dalam masa sesaat,
dalam masa sesaat,
03:18
afraid of classroom discussions
becoming like judgment day
becoming like judgment day
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takut perbincangan kelas menjadi
hari kiamat
hari kiamat
03:22
and now oncoming traffic is embracing
more transgender children than parents.
more transgender children than parents.
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dan kini orang asing lebih menerima
kanak transgender lebih dari ibubapa.
kanak transgender lebih dari ibubapa.
03:29
I wonder how long it will be
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Aku tertanya berapa lama lagi
03:30
before the trans suicide notes
start to feel redundant,
start to feel redundant,
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sebelum nota bunuh diri mula
berasa lewah,
berasa lewah,
03:34
before we realize that our bodies
become lessons about sin
become lessons about sin
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sebelum kita sedar badan kita dijadikan
pelajaran tentang dosa
pelajaran tentang dosa
03:38
way before we learn how to love them.
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sebelum kita diajar
untuk sayangkan mereka.
untuk sayangkan mereka.
03:40
Like God didn't save
all this breath and mercy,
all this breath and mercy,
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Seperti Tuhan tidak simpan
nafas dan rahmatNya,
nafas dan rahmatNya,
03:44
like my blood is not the wine
that washed over Jesus' feet.
that washed over Jesus' feet.
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seperti darahku bukan arak yang
cucikan kaki Jesus.
cucikan kaki Jesus.
03:47
My prayers are now
getting stuck in my throat.
getting stuck in my throat.
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Doaku kini semakin terperangkap
di tekakku.
di tekakku.
03:52
Maybe I am finally fixed,
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Mungkin aku diselamatkan akihirnya,
03:55
maybe I just don't care,
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mungkin aku hanya tidak peduli lagi,
03:57
maybe God finally listened to my prayers.
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mungkin Tuhan dengar doaku akhirnya.
04:02
Thank you.
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Terima kasih.
04:03
(Applause)
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(Tepukan tangan)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Lee Mokobe - PoetLee Mokobe is a 20-year-old South African slam poet and co-founder of Vocal Revolutionaries.
Why you should listen
The volunteer-run organization empowers youth in South Africa to fid their voice through poetry and art, offering free workshops, motivational talks, seasonal slams, national/local performances and mentoring. In his own poetry, Mokobe tackles tough social justice and LGBTQ issues. He has performed across three continents and was the youngest and first African coach at the Brave New Voices Festival, which he won in 2015.
Lee Mokobe | Speaker | TED.com