TEDxFergusonLibrary
Emily Nagoski: How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime
Emili Nagoski (Emily Nagoski): Kako parovi mogu održati snažnu seksualnu povezanost za ceo život
Filmed:
Readability: 3.8
2,251,493 views
Kao seksualni edukator, Emili Nagoski često pitaju: kako parovi održavaju snažnu seksualnu povezanost na duge staze? U ovom duhovitom, pronicljivom govoru, ona daje svoj odgovor oslanjajući se na (u neku ruku iznenađujuća) istraživanja da bi otkrila zašto neki parovi prestaju konzumirati seks dok ostali zadržavaju tu seksualnu povezanost za ceo život.
Emily Nagoski - Sex educator
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I'm sitting in a bar
with a couple of friends --
with a couple of friends --
0
951
2247
Sedim u baru sa parom prijatelja -
00:15
literally, a couple, married couple.
1
3222
1740
bukvalno, parom, bračnim parom.
00:16
They're the parents of two young children,
2
4986
2424
Oni su roditelji dvoje male dece,
00:19
seven academic degrees between them,
3
7434
1988
zajedno imaju sedam akademskih diploma,
00:21
big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived.
but very sleep-deprived.
4
9446
4193
pravi štreberi, stvarno fini ljudi,
ali veoma neispavani.
ali veoma neispavani.
00:25
And they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question.
I get asked more than any other question.
5
13663
5519
Postavljaju mi pitanje koje dobijam
češće nego bilo koje drugo.
češće nego bilo koje drugo.
00:31
They go, "So, Emily,
6
19206
2621
Kreću sa: „Pa, Emili,
00:33
how do couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection
sustain a strong sexual connection
7
21851
5497
kako parovi, znaš, održavaju
snažnu seksualnu vezu
snažnu seksualnu vezu
00:39
over multiple decades?"
8
27372
1721
tokom više decenija?"
Ja sam seksualni edukator
i zbog toga mi prijatelji
i zbog toga mi prijatelji
00:42
I'm a sex educator, which is why
my friends ask me questions like this,
my friends ask me questions like this,
9
30162
3413
često postavljaju slična pitanja,
00:45
and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
10
33599
2404
i takođe sam štreber,
baš kao i moji prijatelji.
baš kao i moji prijatelji.
00:48
I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer.
I can give them something like an answer.
11
36027
4032
Volim nauku i zato mogu da im pružim
nešto nalik na odgovor.
nešto nalik na odgovor.
00:52
Research actually has
pretty solid evidence
pretty solid evidence
12
40083
2426
Istraživanja u stvari
daju prilično čvrst dokaz
daju prilično čvrst dokaz
00:54
that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections
strong sexual connections
13
42533
2526
da parovi koji održe
jaku seksualnu povezanost
jaku seksualnu povezanost
00:57
over multiple decades
14
45083
1737
tokom decenija
00:58
have two things in common.
15
46844
1953
imaju dve zajedničke stvari.
01:01
Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are,
what those two things are,
16
49414
2616
Pre nego što kažem prijateljima
koje su te dve stvari,
koje su te dve stvari,
moram da im kažem par stvari koje to nisu.
01:04
I have to tell them a few things
that they are not.
that they are not.
17
52054
2436
To nisu parovi
koji često upražnjavaju seks.
koji često upražnjavaju seks.
01:06
These are not couples
who have sex very often.
who have sex very often.
18
54514
3665
01:10
Almost none of us have sex very often.
19
58560
3157
Skoro niko od nas
ne upražnjava često seks.
ne upražnjava često seks.
01:14
We are busy.
20
62322
1275
Zauzeti smo.
01:16
They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex.
have wild, adventurous sex.
21
64318
3588
To takođe nisu nužno parovi
kod kojih je seks divlji i avanturistički.
kod kojih je seks divlji i avanturistički.
01:19
One recent study actually found
22
67930
1590
Nedavna studija je u stvari pokazala
01:21
that the couples
who are most strongly predicted
who are most strongly predicted
23
69544
3553
da parovi sa najvećom verovatnoćom
01:25
to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction,
and relationship satisfaction,
24
73121
4117
da imaju snažno seksualno zadovoljstvo
i ispunjenost vezom,
i ispunjenost vezom,
01:29
the best predictor of that
25
77262
1362
najbolji pokazatelj toga
01:30
is not what kind of sex they have
26
78648
1973
nije vrsta seksa koju upražnjavaju
01:32
or how often or where they have it
27
80645
1650
niti koliko često i gde to rade,
01:34
but whether they cuddle after sex.
28
82319
2587
nego da li se maze posle seksa.
01:37
And they are not necessarily couples
29
85906
1796
I to nisu nužno parovi
koji ne mogu skinuti ruke jedno sa drugog.
01:39
who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other.
to keep their hands off each other.
30
87726
2916
Neki od njih jesu takvi.
01:42
Some of them are.
31
90666
1213
Oni imaju doživljaj nečega
što istraživači zovu „spontana želja”,
što istraživači zovu „spontana želja”,
01:43
They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire,"
call "spontaneous desire,"
32
91903
3373
01:47
that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue.
to appear out of the blue.
33
95300
2434
koja se, kako se čini,
pojavljuje iznenada.
pojavljuje iznenada.
01:49
Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book,
who illustrated my book,
34
97758
2476
Erika Moen, karikaturista
koja je ilustrovala moju knjigu,
koja je ilustrovala moju knjigu,
01:52
draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
35
100258
4565
prikazuje spontanu želju
kao munju koja pogađa genitalije -
kao munju koja pogađa genitalije -
01:56
kaboom! -- you just want it
out of the blue.
out of the blue.
36
104847
2785
bum! - poželite to iz vedra neba.
01:59
That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
37
107656
4198
Ovo je potpuno normalan, zdrav način
da se doživi seksualna želja.
da se doživi seksualna želja.
02:03
But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire.
to experience sexual desire.
38
111878
3038
Ali postoji još jedan zdrav način
da se doživi seksualna želja.
da se doživi seksualna želja.
02:06
It's called "responsive desire."
39
114940
2268
Zove se „reaktivna želja”.
02:09
Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
40
117232
4979
Dok spontana želja, kako se čini,
proističe iz iščekivanja zadovoljstva,
proističe iz iščekivanja zadovoljstva,
02:14
responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure.
in response to pleasure.
41
122235
4208
reaktivna želja se pojavljuje
kao odgovor na zadovoljstvo.
kao odgovor na zadovoljstvo.
Postoji seksualni terapeut u Nju Džerziju,
po imenu Kristina Hajd,
po imenu Kristina Hajd,
02:18
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde,
named Christine Hyde,
42
126467
2769
02:21
who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients.
she uses with her clients.
43
129260
2895
od koje sam naučila sjajnu metaforu
koju ona koristi sa klijentima.
koju ona koristi sa klijentima.
02:24
She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party.
invites you to a party.
44
132179
3374
Ona kaže: zamisli da te najbolji
prijatelj pozove na žurku.
prijatelj pozove na žurku.
02:27
You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party.
it's your best friend and a party.
45
135577
4103
Pristaješ, zato što je to tvoj
najbolji prijatelj i zato što je to žurka.
najbolji prijatelj i zato što je to žurka.
02:31
But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking,
you start thinking,
46
139704
2591
Ali kako se datum približava,
počinješ da razmišljaš:
počinješ da razmišljaš:
„Ah, biće gužva u saobraćaju.
02:34
"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
47
142319
2421
02:36
We have to find child care.
48
144764
1790
Treba da nađemo ko će čuvati dete.
Da li ću stvarno želeti da obučem
svoje odelo za izlazak
svoje odelo za izlazak
02:38
Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on
to put my party clothes on
49
146578
2485
02:41
and get there at the end of the week?"
50
149087
1829
i odem tamo krajem nedelje?”
02:42
But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party,
and you show up to the party,
51
150940
3435
Ipak, oblačite svoje odelo za izlazak,
pojavljujete se na žurci
pojavljujete se na žurci
02:46
and what happens?
52
154399
1171
i šta se dešava?
02:47
You have a good time at the party.
53
155959
1879
Dobro se zabavite na žurci.
02:49
If you are having fun at the party,
54
157862
2204
Ako se zabavljate na žurci,
02:52
you are doing it right.
55
160090
1616
radite pravu stvar.
02:54
When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing.
it's the same thing.
56
162147
2862
Ista stvar je i kada govorimo
o seksualnoj povezanosti.
o seksualnoj povezanosti.
02:57
You put on your party clothes,
57
165033
1636
Oblačite svoje odelo za izlazak,
02:58
you set up the child care,
58
166693
1572
nalazite ko će čuvati dete,
03:00
you put your body in the bed,
59
168289
2019
smeštate telo u krevet,
03:02
you let your skin
touch your partner's skin
touch your partner's skin
60
170332
2547
dopustite da vaša koža
dotakne kožu partnera
dotakne kožu partnera
03:04
and allow your body
to wake up and remember,
to wake up and remember,
61
172903
2377
i dozvolite vašem telu
da se probudi i seti.
da se probudi i seti.
„Ah, da! Sviđa mi se ovo.
03:07
"Oh, right! I like this.
62
175304
2462
03:09
I like this person!"
63
177790
1650
Sviđa mi se ova osoba!”
03:11
That's responsive desire,
64
179949
2023
To je reaktivna želja,
03:13
and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
who sustain a strong sexual connection
65
181996
4597
i to je ključ razumevanja parova
koji održavaju snažnu seksualnu povezanost
koji održavaju snažnu seksualnu povezanost
03:18
over the long term,
66
186617
1350
dugi niz godina,
03:19
because -- and this is the part
where I tell my friends
where I tell my friends
67
187991
2653
zato što - i to je momenat
kada kažem prijateljima
kada kažem prijateljima
03:22
the two characteristics of the couples who
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
68
190668
4123
dve osobine koje imaju parovi
koji održe snažnu seksualnu povezanost -
koji održe snažnu seksualnu povezanost -
03:26
one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship.
at the foundation of their relationship.
69
194815
4659
prva, imaju snažno prijateljstvo
kao osnov svog odnosa.
kao osnov svog odnosa.
03:31
Specifically, they have strong trust.
70
199498
2662
Posebno je izraženo jako poverenje.
03:34
Relationship researcher and therapist,
71
202580
1871
Istraživač međuljudskih odnosa i terapeut,
03:36
developer of emotionally focused therapy,
72
204475
1983
osnivač emocionalno fokusirane terapije,
03:38
Sue Johnson,
73
206482
1159
Su Džonson,
svodi poverenje na pitanje:
03:39
boils trust down to this question:
74
207665
2275
03:41
Are you there for me?
75
209964
2875
da li si tu za mene?
03:44
Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me?
present and available for me?
76
212863
3724
Posebno, da li si emocionalno prisutan
i dostupan za mene?
i dostupan za mene?
03:48
Friends are there for each other.
77
216611
2306
Prijatelji su tu jedan za drugog.
03:51
One.
78
219231
1172
To je prva.
03:52
The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex.
is that they prioritize sex.
79
220427
5196
Druga karakteristika je da oni
seks stavljaju kao prioritet.
seks stavljaju kao prioritet.
03:57
They decide that it matters
for their relationship.
for their relationship.
80
225647
3930
Odlučuju da je on važan za njihov odnos.
04:01
They choose to set aside all the other
things that they could be doing --
things that they could be doing --
81
229601
4497
Odlučuju da ostave po strani
sve drugo što bi mogli da rade -
sve drugo što bi mogli da rade -
04:06
the children they could be raising
and the jobs they could be going to,
and the jobs they could be going to,
82
234122
3847
decu koju bi mogli da odgajaju,
poslove na koje bi mogli da odu,
poslove na koje bi mogli da odu,
04:09
the other family members
to pay attention to,
to pay attention to,
83
237993
2159
članove porodice kojima bi mogli
posvećivati pažnju,
posvećivati pažnju,
04:12
the other friends they might
want to hang out with.
want to hang out with.
84
240176
2418
prijatelje sa kojima bi mogli
provoditi vreme.
provoditi vreme.
04:14
God forbid they just want
to watch some television or go to sleep.
to watch some television or go to sleep.
85
242618
3239
Ili, ne daj bože,
da samo gledaju TV ili spavaju.
da samo gledaju TV ili spavaju.
04:17
Stop doing all that stuff
and create a protected space
and create a protected space
86
245881
3531
Prestanite da radite sve to
i stvorite zaštićeni prostor
i stvorite zaštićeni prostor
04:21
where all you're going to do
is put your body in the bed
is put your body in the bed
87
249436
3358
u kome jedino što ćete raditi
je da smestite svoje telo u krevet
je da smestite svoje telo u krevet
04:24
and let your skin
touch your partner's skin.
touch your partner's skin.
88
252818
2329
i dopustite koži da dotakne
kožu vašeg partnera.
kožu vašeg partnera.
04:28
So that's it:
89
256202
1154
I to je to:
04:29
best friends,
90
257380
1582
najbolji prijatelji,
04:30
prioritize sex.
91
258986
1309
seks kao prioritet.
04:33
So I said this to my friends in the bar.
92
261201
1975
Kažem to svojim prijateljima u baru.
04:35
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex,
I told them about the party,
I told them about the party,
93
263200
3394
Najbolji prijatelji, seks kao prioritet,
kažem im za žurku,
kažem im za žurku,
kažem, stavite svoju kožu
uz kožu partnera.
uz kožu partnera.
04:38
I said you put your skin
next to your partner's skin.
next to your partner's skin.
94
266618
2512
04:41
And one of the partners
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
95
269154
5195
I onda jedan od partnera kaže: „Uuuh”.
04:46
(Laughter)
96
274373
1148
(Smeh)
04:47
And I was like, "OK,
so, there's your problem."
so, there's your problem."
97
275545
2198
Onda ja kažem: „Okej, to je tvoj problem.”
04:49
(Laughter)
98
277767
1046
(Smeh)
04:50
The difficulty was not that they did not
want to go to the party, necessarily.
want to go to the party, necessarily.
99
278837
3923
Problem nije nužno bio u tome
da oni nisu želeli da idu na žurku.
da oni nisu želeli da idu na žurku.
04:54
If the difficulty is just a lack
of spontaneous desire for party,
of spontaneous desire for party,
100
282784
3200
Ako je problem samo nedostatak
spontane želje za zabavom,
spontane želje za zabavom,
04:58
you know what to do:
101
286008
1152
znate šta vam je činiti:
04:59
you put on your party clothes
and show up for the party.
and show up for the party.
102
287184
2634
obučete svoje odelo za izlazak
i pojavite se na žurci.
i pojavite se na žurci.
Ako se zabavljate na žurci,
odlično vam ide.
odlično vam ide.
05:01
If you're having fun at the party,
you're doing it right.
you're doing it right.
103
289842
2697
Njihov problem je bio
što je ovo bila žurka
što je ovo bila žurka
05:04
Their difficulty was that this was a party
104
292563
2065
gde se njoj nije sviđala hrana,
05:06
where she didn't love
what there was available to eat,
what there was available to eat,
105
294652
3866
05:10
the music was not her favorite music,
106
298542
1920
muzika nije bila njena omiljena,
05:12
and she wasn't totally sure she felt great
about her relationships with people
about her relationships with people
107
300486
3705
i nije baš bila sigurna da se oseća dobro
povodom odnosa sa ljudima
povodom odnosa sa ljudima
koji su bili na žurci.
05:16
who were at the party.
108
304215
1340
05:17
And this happens all the time:
109
305579
1945
I to se stalno dešava:
05:19
nice people who love each other
come to dread sex.
come to dread sex.
110
307548
5501
fini ljudi koji se vole
počnu da se užasavaju seksa.
počnu da se užasavaju seksa.
05:25
These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
111
313073
2061
Te parove, ako potraže seksualnu terapiju,
05:27
the therapist might have them stand up
112
315158
2202
terapeut može zamoliti da ustanu
05:29
and put as much distance
between their bodies as they need
between their bodies as they need
113
317384
3210
i naprave razmak između svojih tela,
koliko god da im je potrebno
da bi se osećali prijatno,
da bi se osećali prijatno,
05:32
in order to feel comfortable,
114
320618
1555
05:34
and the less interested partner
will make 20 feet of space.
will make 20 feet of space.
115
322197
5660
a manje zainteresovani
partner će se udaljiti 6 metara.
partner će se udaljiti 6 metara.
05:39
And the really difficult part
is that space is not empty.
is that space is not empty.
116
327881
3838
Ono što je teško
jeste da taj prostor nije prazan.
jeste da taj prostor nije prazan.
05:43
It is crowded with weeks or months or more
117
331743
4639
On je ispunjen nedeljama,
mesecima ili još dužim periodom
mesecima ili još dužim periodom
05:48
of the, "You're not listening to me,"
118
336406
1820
sa: „Ti me ne slušaš,”
05:50
and "I don't know what's wrong with me
but your criticism isn't helping,"
but your criticism isn't helping,"
119
338250
3470
„Ne znam u čemu je moj problem,
ali tvoje kritike ne pomažu”,
ali tvoje kritike ne pomažu”,
„Da me voliš, ti bi”
i „Nisi tu kad te trebam.”
i „Nisi tu kad te trebam.”
05:53
and, "If you loved me, you would,"
and, "You're not there for me."
and, "You're not there for me."
120
341744
3210
05:56
Years, maybe, of all
these difficult feelings.
these difficult feelings.
121
344978
3769
Godinama, možda,
svih ovih teških osećanja.
svih ovih teških osećanja.
06:00
In the book, I use
this really silly metaphor
this really silly metaphor
122
348771
2284
U knjizi koristim
ovu prilično šašavu metaforu
ovu prilično šašavu metaforu
06:03
of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
123
351079
2947
teških osećanja kao uspavanih ježeva
06:06
that you are fostering until
you can find a way to set them free
you can find a way to set them free
124
354050
4209
koje gajite dok ne pronađete
način da ih oslobodite
način da ih oslobodite
06:10
by turning toward them
with kindness and compassion.
with kindness and compassion.
125
358283
3772
obraćajući im se sa dobrotom
i saosećanjem.
i saosećanjem.
06:14
And the couples who struggle
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
126
362079
3551
Kod parova koji se muče da održe
snažnu seksualnu povezanost,
snažnu seksualnu povezanost,
06:17
the distance between them
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
127
365654
4013
ovaj prostor između njih je ispunjen
tim uspavanim ježevima.
tim uspavanim ježevima.
06:21
And it happens in any relationship
that lasts long enough.
that lasts long enough.
128
369691
2756
To se dešava u svim vezama
koje traju dugo.
koje traju dugo.
06:24
You, too, are fostering
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
129
372471
3641
Vi takođe gajite bodlje uspavanih ježeva
06:28
between you and your certain
special someone.
special someone.
130
376136
2691
između vas i vaše posebne osobe.
06:30
The difference between couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
who sustain a strong sexual connection
131
378851
3287
Razlika između parova koji imaju
jaku seksualnu povezanost
jaku seksualnu povezanost
i onih koji je nemaju
06:34
and the ones who don't
132
382162
1154
nije u tome što ovi prvi nemaju
ta teška i bolna osećanja,
ta teška i bolna osećanja,
06:35
is not that they don't experience
these difficult hurt feelings,
these difficult hurt feelings,
133
383340
3751
06:39
it's that they turn towards
those difficult feelings
those difficult feelings
134
387115
2758
nego što oni gledaju na njih
06:41
with kindness and compassion
135
389897
2300
sa dobrotom i saosećajnošću,
06:44
so that they can set them free
136
392221
1987
kako bi mogli da ih se oslobode
06:46
and find their way back to each other.
137
394232
2257
i pronađu put nazad jedno ka drugom.
06:49
So my friends in the bar are faced
with the question under the question,
with the question under the question,
138
397019
4526
Moji prijatelji u baru su suočeni
sa pitanjem skrivenim u pitanju,
sa pitanjem skrivenim u pitanju,
06:53
not, "How do we sustain
a strong connection?"
a strong connection?"
139
401569
2805
ne: „Kako da održimo
jaku seksualnu povezanost?”
jaku seksualnu povezanost?”
06:56
but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
140
404398
2487
nego: „Kako da pronađemo
način da je vratimo?”
način da je vratimo?”
06:59
And, yes, there is science
to answer this question,
to answer this question,
141
407650
2590
I da, tu je nauka
da da odgovor na ovo pitanje,
da da odgovor na ovo pitanje,
07:02
but in 25 years as a sex educator,
142
410264
2211
ali tokom 25 godina
kao seksualni edukator,
kao seksualni edukator,
07:04
one thing I have learned
is sometimes, Emily,
is sometimes, Emily,
143
412499
2306
naučila sam jednu stvar,
a to je da ponekad, Emili,
a to je da ponekad, Emili,
07:06
less science,
144
414829
1341
treba manje nauke,
07:09
more hedgehogs.
145
417127
1476
više ježeva.
07:10
So I told them about me.
146
418627
2123
Ispričala sam im o sebi.
07:12
I spent many months writing a book about
the science of women's sexual well-being.
the science of women's sexual well-being.
147
420774
5443
Provela sam mnogo meseci pišući knjigu
o nauci o ženskom seksualnom blagostanju.
o nauci o ženskom seksualnom blagostanju.
07:18
I was thinking about sex
all day, every day,
all day, every day,
148
426241
3028
Razmišljala sam o seksu
ceo dan, svaki dan,
ceo dan, svaki dan,
07:21
and I was so stressed by the project
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
149
429293
4548
i bila sam toliko opterećena projektom
da sam imala nula - nula! - želje
da sam imala nula - nula! - želje
07:25
in actually having any sex.
150
433865
1811
za stvarnim seksom.
07:28
And then I spent months
traveling all over,
traveling all over,
151
436167
2610
Zatim sam provela mesece
putujući naokolo,
putujući naokolo,
07:30
talking with anyone who would listen
152
438801
1801
pričajući sa svima voljnim da slušaju
07:32
about the science
of women's sexual well-being.
of women's sexual well-being.
153
440626
2294
o nauci o ženskom seksualnom blagostanju.
07:34
And by the time I got home, you know,
154
442944
2015
Kada bih stigla kući, znate,
07:36
I'd show up for the party,
put my body in the bed,
put my body in the bed,
155
444983
2371
pojavila bih se na žurci,
strpala svoje telo u krevet,
strpala svoje telo u krevet,
07:39
let my skin touch my partner's skin,
156
447378
2027
dopustila da moja koža
dotakne kožu mog partnera,
dotakne kožu mog partnera,
07:41
and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed
I would just cry and fall asleep.
I would just cry and fall asleep.
157
449429
4281
ali bila sam toliko iscrpljena
i preplavljena emocijama
i preplavljena emocijama
da bih samo plakala i zaspala.
07:46
And the months of isolation
fostered fear and loneliness
fostered fear and loneliness
158
454463
5864
Meseci izolacije
su iznedrili strah, usamljenost
su iznedrili strah, usamljenost
07:52
and frustration.
159
460351
1715
i frustraciju.
07:54
So many hedgehogs.
160
462535
1990
Toliko ježeva.
07:57
My best friend, this person
I love and admire,
I love and admire,
161
465173
4200
Moj najbolji prijatelj,
osoba koju volim i kojoj se divim,
osoba koju volim i kojoj se divim,
08:01
felt a million miles away.
162
469397
2350
činila se kilometrima udaljenom.
08:05
But ...
163
473081
1279
Ali...
08:07
he was still there for me.
164
475155
1427
i dalje je bio tu za mene.
Bez obzira na to koliko
je teških osećanja bilo,
je teških osećanja bilo,
08:08
No matter how many
difficult feelings there were,
difficult feelings there were,
165
476963
3302
08:12
he turned toward them
with kindness and compassion.
with kindness and compassion.
166
480289
2658
on im se obratio
sa dobrotom i saosećanjem.
sa dobrotom i saosećanjem.
08:14
He never turned away.
167
482971
1520
Nikad nije okrenuo glavu.
08:17
And what was the second characteristic
168
485650
1853
A koja je druga osobina
parova koji održavaju
snažnu seksualnu povezanost?
snažnu seksualnu povezanost?
08:19
of couples who sustain
a strong sexual connection?
a strong sexual connection?
169
487527
2413
08:22
They prioritize sex.
170
490972
1332
Seks kao prioritet.
08:24
They decide that it matters
for their relationship,
for their relationship,
171
492328
3554
Oni odlučuju da je to važno
u njihovom odnosu,
u njihovom odnosu,
08:27
that they do what it takes
to find their way back to the connection.
to find their way back to the connection.
172
495906
3300
da će uraditi šta god je potrebno
da pronađu način da se ponovo povežu.
da pronađu način da se ponovo povežu.
08:31
I told my friends what sex therapist
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
173
499230
3697
Rekla sam prijateljima
šta kaže seksualni terapeut
i istraživač, Pegi Klajnplac.
i istraživač, Pegi Klajnplac.
08:34
She asks: What kind of sex
is worth wanting?
is worth wanting?
174
502951
4145
Ona pita: „Kakav seks je vredan želje?“
08:39
My partner and I looked
at the quality of our connection
at the quality of our connection
175
507993
3262
Partner i ja smo pogledali
kvalitet naše veze
kvalitet naše veze
08:43
and what it brought to our lives,
176
511279
1859
i šta je ona donela u naš život,
08:45
and we looked at the family
of sleepy hedgehogs
of sleepy hedgehogs
177
513162
2844
i pogledali smo porodicu uspavanih ježeva
08:48
I had introduced into our home.
178
516030
3406
koju sam ja unela u naš dom.
08:53
And we decided it was worth it.
179
521016
1617
Odlučili smo da vredi.
08:55
We decided -- we chose -- to do
what it took to find our way,
what it took to find our way,
180
523268
5156
Odlučili smo - izabrali smo - da učinimo
sve što je potrebno da pronađemo način,
sve što je potrebno da pronađemo način,
09:00
turning towards each
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
181
528448
2203
posvetivši se svakom
od tih uspavanih ježeva,
od tih uspavanih ježeva,
09:02
those difficult hurt feelings,
182
530675
1641
tih teških osećanja povređenosti,
09:04
with kindness and compassion
183
532340
1368
sa dobrotom i saosećanjem,
09:05
and setting them free
so that we could find our way back
so that we could find our way back
184
533732
2748
i oslobađajući ih
kako bismo mogli da pronađemo put
kako bismo mogli da pronađemo put
09:08
to the connection that mattered
for our relationship.
for our relationship.
185
536504
2734
ka povezivanju koje nam je bilo
važno u odnosu.
važno u odnosu.
09:13
This is not the story we are usually told
186
541095
1970
Ovo nije priča koju često čujemo
o tome kako seksualna želja funkcioniše
u dugoročnim odnosima.
u dugoročnim odnosima.
09:15
about how sexual desire works
in long-term relationships.
in long-term relationships.
187
543089
3134
09:19
But I can think of nothing more romantic,
188
547318
2609
Ali ja ne mogu da zamislim
ništa romantičnije,
ništa romantičnije,
09:23
nothing sexier,
189
551102
1277
seksepilnije,
09:24
than being chosen as a priority
190
552992
4092
nego biti izabran kao prioritet
09:29
because that connection matters enough,
191
557108
2742
zato što ta veza dovoljno znači,
09:32
even after I introduced all of these
difficult feelings into our relationship.
difficult feelings into our relationship.
192
560697
4673
čak i nakon što sam unela
sva ta teška osećanja u našu vezu.
sva ta teška osećanja u našu vezu.
09:38
How do you sustain a strong
sexual connection over the long term?
sexual connection over the long term?
193
566568
4289
Kako održati snažnu
seksualnu povezanost na duge staze?
seksualnu povezanost na duge staze?
09:44
You look into the eyes
of your best friend,
of your best friend,
194
572254
3126
Pogledajte u oči
svog najboljeg prijatelja,
svog najboljeg prijatelja,
09:47
and you keep choosing
to find your way back.
to find your way back.
195
575404
3620
i stalno birajte da pronađete
put natrag do njega.
put natrag do njega.
09:51
Thank you.
196
579833
1175
Hvala vam.
09:53
(Applause)
197
581032
2763
(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Emily Nagoski - Sex educatorEmily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies.
Why you should listen
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and the author of the best-selling Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. As she writes: "As an undergrad at the University of Delaware, I wanted some volunteer work for my resume, so I got trained as a peer sex educator, going into residence halls to talk about condoms, contraception and consent. Though I loved the brain science I was studying in my classes (BA in psychology, minors in cognitive science and philosophy), it was my work as a sex educator that made me like who I am as a person. So that's the path I chose. I went to Indiana University for an MS in counseling and PhD in health behavior, completing a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute, then went on to work at Smith College, where I taught a class called Women’s Sexuality.
"That first semester at Smith, I asked my students, as the last question on the final exam, 'What's one important thing you learned?' Half the students answered simply, 'I'm normal.' I decided that day to write Come As You Are, to share the science and sex positivity that helped my students know they're normal."
Emily Nagoski | Speaker | TED.com