ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tom Rielly - Satirist
Traditionally, Tom Rielly closes the TED Conference with a merciless 18-minute monologue, skewering all the speakers with his deadpan delivery, spot-on satire and boundary-less performance (complete with PowerPoint, pratfalls and partial nudity).

Why you should listen

Talk a walk back through the history of digital media, and you'll find our colleague Tom Rielly every step along the way. He entered the mediasphere with a memorable turn in the 1980 film My Bodyguard. A lifelong performer, he soon found a second love in personal computing. He recognized early on the incredible power of Macs, CD-ROMs and the Web, founding Yale's Macintosh User Group in 1984, then working at SuperMac, Farallon and Voyager, among other pioneering companies.

Rielly is perhaps best-known for co-founding PlanetOut, the first digital home for gays and lesbians, which went public in 2004. He also co-founded the influential nonprofit Digital Queers. As TED's Director of Partnerships, Tom now choreographs the wide range of collaborations that help bring TED to life, at the conference and online. But he's found his true vocation as TED's resident satirist, a role he's played for more than a decade.

Since 1995, Rielly has been hijacking the final session of the conference with his whip-smart satire of all the speakers who came before him -- skewering the egos, mocking the flights of fancy, parroting the doomsday predictions, and imagining a world where Al Gore tells him "I can't quit you."

Fearless and unfailingly funny, Tom's lightning performances bring a flash of brilliance to the closing session and draw a standing ovation every time.

More profile about the speaker
Tom Rielly | Speaker | TED.com
TED2006

Tom Rielly: A comic sendup of TED2006

Tom Rielly對TED2006詼諧的模仿

Filmed:
694,175 views

諷刺作家Tom Rielly在2006年TED大會上發表了一個絕妙的詼諧模仿,惡搞百元電腦、北極熊的困境,和那些一再提到自己在哈佛工作的人。注意Tom和高爾副總統特別的互動。
- Satirist
Traditionally, Tom Rielly closes the TED Conference with a merciless 18-minute monologue, skewering all the speakers with his deadpan delivery, spot-on satire and boundary-less performance (complete with PowerPoint, pratfalls and partial nudity). Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:31
I just want to say, over the last few少數 years年份 I've been --
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我只是想說,在過去的幾年中,我—
00:35
had the opportunity機會 to do this closing關閉 conference會議.
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一直都有機會來做這個大會的閉幕。
00:38
And I've had some incredible難以置信 warm-up暖身 acts行為.
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我已經做好一些很好的暖身。
00:43
About eight years年份 ago,
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大約八年前,
00:45
Billy比利 Graham格雷厄姆 opened打開 for me.
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Billy Graham(葛理翰牧師)幫我開了個頭。
00:47
And I thought that there was --
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我認為—
00:49
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
00:50
I thought that there was absolutely絕對 no way
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我認為絕對不可能
00:53
in hell地獄 to top最佳 that.
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絕不可能超越那個了♫
00:55
But I just wanted to say --
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但我只想說—
00:58
and I mean this without irony諷刺 --
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且我沒有帶任何諷刺的意思—
01:00
I think I can speak說話 for everybody每個人 in the audience聽眾
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我想我可以代表在場的每一位觀眾
01:04
when I say that I wish希望 to God that you were the President主席 of the United聯合的 States狀態.
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當我說我向上帝許願你是美國的總統。
01:08
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
01:14
OK, this is the title標題 of my talk today今天.
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好的,這是我今天演講的主題。
01:17
(Laughter笑聲)
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猛然吞下死亡 (笑聲)
01:21
I just want to give you a quick overview概觀.
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我只想給你們一個快速簡短的概要。
01:24
First of all, please remember記得 I'm completely全然 politically政治上 correct正確,
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首先,請記住我所敘述的完全沒有冒犯之意,
01:27
and I mean everything with great affection感情.
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且我所說的一切都是肺腑之言。
01:29
If any of you have sensitive敏感 stomachs or are feeling感覺 queasy動盪,
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如果你們有人覺得反胃的話,
01:32
now is the time to check your Blackberry黑莓.
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那就正是看你們黑莓機的時候。
01:34
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:36
Just to review評論, this is my TEDTalkTED演講.
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這是我TED演講的備忘小抄。
01:40
We're going to do some jokes笑話,
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我們將會講一些笑話,
01:42
some gags堵嘴,
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開一些玩笑。
01:46
some little skits短劇 --
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一些幽默諷刺短劇-
01:48
and then we're going to talk about the L1 point.
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然後我們會談一談L1的要點。
01:50
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:53
So, one of the questions問題 I ask myself
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我問我自己一個問題,
01:56
is, was this the most distressing令人痛心 TEDTED ever?
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這是不是有史以來最令人痛苦的TED大會?
01:59
Let's try and sum things up, shall we?
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我們一起來總結一下好不好?
02:02
Images圖片 of limb regeneration再生
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殘肢再造
02:04
and faces面孔 filled填充 with smallpox天花:
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和長滿天花的臉:
02:06
21 percent百分 of the conference會議.
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佔大會的21%
02:07
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:09
Mentions提及 of polar極性 bears drowning溺死: four percent百分.
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說到北極熊溺死:佔4%。
02:13
Images圖片 of the earth地球 being存在 wiped out by flood洪水 or bird flu流感: 64 percent百分.
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地球毀於大洪水或禽流感的影像的比例:佔64%。
02:17
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:18
And David大衛 Pogue波格 singing唱歌 show顯示 tunes曲調.
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和David Pogue的現場演唱。
02:21
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
02:23
Because this is the most distressing令人痛心 TEDTED ever,
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因為這是有史以來最令人痛苦的一次TED大會,
02:25
I've been working加工 with Neil尼爾 Gershenfeld格申費爾德 on next下一個 year's年份 TEDTED Bag.
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我和Neil Gershenfeld已經開始著手明年TED的手提包。
02:28
And if the -- if the conference會議 is anywhere隨地 near this distressing令人痛心,
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如果明年的大會與今年的痛苦程度相當的話,
02:31
then we're going to have a scream驚叫 bag next下一個 year.
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那我們明年將會弄一個尖叫提包。
02:33
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:37
It's going to be a cradle-to-cradle搖籃到搖籃 scream驚叫 bag, of course課程.
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當然,這將會是一個環保的尖叫提包。
02:39
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:41
So you're going to be able能夠 to go like this.
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你們可以這樣做。
02:44
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:48
Bring帶來 it over here
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把它帶到這裡來
02:53
and open打開 it up. AaaahAAAAH!
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然後打開。啊!!!!!!
02:55
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:04
Meanwhile與此同時, back at TEDTED University大學,
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同時,回來看TED大學,
03:07
this wonderful精彩 woman女人 is teaching教學 you how to chop Sun太陽 Chips芯片.
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這位美麗的女士正在教你如何切洋芋片。
03:10
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:18
So Robert羅伯特 Wright賴特 -- I don't know,
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關於Robert Wright-我不知道,
03:21
I felt like if there was anyone任何人 that Helen海倫 needed需要 to give antidepressants抗抑鬱藥 to,
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我覺得如果Helen有要給誰抗憂鬱藥物的話,
03:24
it might威力 have been him.
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那應該是他。
03:25
I want to deliberately故意 interfere干擾 with his dopamine多巴胺 levels水平.
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我想故意干擾他的多巴胺程度。
03:28
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:29
He was talking about morality道德.
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他在會上談論道德。
03:32
Economy經濟 class morality道德 is,
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經濟艙乘客的道德觀是,
03:34
we want to bomb炸彈 you back to the Stone Age年齡.
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我們想要把你們炸回石器時代。
03:36
Business商業 class morality道德 is,
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商務艙的道德觀是,
03:38
don't bomb炸彈 Japan日本 -- they built內置 my car汽車.
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不要轟炸日本—他們幫我們製造車子。
03:40
And first-class頭等 morality道德 is, don't bomb炸彈 Mexico墨西哥 -- they clean清潔 my house.
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而頭等艙的道德觀點是,不要轟炸墨西哥—他們幫我們打掃房子。
03:44
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:46
Yes, it is politically政治上 incorrect不正確.
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是的,這的確是很冒犯的。
03:50
All right,
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好的,
03:52
now I want to do a little bit of a thing for you ...
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現在我想讓大家看點東西…
03:54
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
04:00
All right, now these are the wha世界衛生大會 --
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好的,這些東西是-
04:02
I'd say, [mumble咕噥, mumble咕噥 --
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我想說,嗚啦,嗚啦,
04:05
mumble咕噥, mumble咕噥, mumble咕噥, mumble咕噥,
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嗚啦,嗚啦,嗚啦,嗚啦,
04:08
mumble咕噥] -- ahh!
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嗚啦---啊!!!!
04:12
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
04:15
So I wanted to show顯示 you guys --
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我想秀給你們看的-
04:17
I wanted to talk about a revolutionary革命的 new computer電腦 interface接口
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我想談一談一種有關革命性的新型電腦介面
04:20
that lets讓我們 you work with images圖片 just as easily容易
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這可以讓你非常容易處理圖像-
04:25
as you -- as a completely全然 natural自然 user用戶 interface接口.
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就像一種完全自然的用戶介面。
04:27
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
04:32
And you can --
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而且你能夠-
04:33
you can use really natural自然 hand gestures手勢
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你可以用很自然的手勢
04:35
to like, go like this.
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就像,就像這樣做。
04:37
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
04:43
Now we had a Harvard哈佛 professor教授 here --
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現在,我們這裡有一個哈佛大學的教授,
04:45
she was from Harvard哈佛, I just wanted to mention提到 and --
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她來自哈佛,我需要強調一下-
04:47
and she was actually其實 a professor教授 from Harvard哈佛.
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她真的是一個哈佛大學的教授。
04:51
And she was talking about seven-dimensional七維, inverted universes宇宙.
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她談論的是有關七次元的,反轉的宇宙。
04:55
With, you know, of course課程, there's the gravity重力 brain.
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你知道的,當然擁有很好的頭腦。
04:57
There's the weak brain. And then there's my weak brain,
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也有那種不好的頭腦。還有因為我這個不好的頭腦,
05:00
which哪一個 is too -- too -- absolutely絕對 too weak to understand理解
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它實在是太—太—太弱了以致於無法了解
05:02
what the fuck他媽的 she was talking about.
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她到底在說什麼。
05:04
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
05:06
Now --
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現在,
05:08
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
05:13
one of the things that is very important重要 to me
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有件事情對我來說很重要
05:15
is to try and figure數字 out what on Earth地球 am I here for.
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就是釐清我究竟為什麼在這裡。
05:19
And that's why I went out
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所以,我就出去晃一晃
05:20
and I picked採摘的 up a best-selling最暢銷 business商業 book.
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並發現了一本暢銷的商業書籍。
05:22
You know, it basically基本上 uses使用 as its central中央 premise前提 Greek希臘語 mythology神話.
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你知道嗎,它基本上是將希臘神話作為核心前提。
05:26
And it's by a guy named命名 Pastor牧師 Rick幹草堆 Warren養兔場,
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作者是個叫做Pastor Rick Warren的人,
05:29
and it's called
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書名叫做
05:31
"The Porpoise海豚 Driven驅動 Life."
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「被海豚駕馭的生活」
05:33
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
05:36
And Rick幹草堆 is as
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而且Rick就像
05:39
a pagan異教徒 god,
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一個異教徒的上帝,
05:41
which哪一個 I thought was kind of appropriate適當,
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從某方面看,
05:43
in a certain某些 way.
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我覺得這種說法比較恰當。
05:45
And now we're going to have kind of
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現在,我們將看到一些
05:47
a little more visualization可視化 about Rick幹草堆 Warren養兔場.
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更進一步來把Rick Warren視覺化。
05:56
OK.
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好了。
05:59
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:06
All right.
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好。
06:09
Now, red is Rick幹草堆 Warren養兔場,
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現在,紅色代表的是Rick Warren,
06:11
and green綠色 is Daniel丹尼爾 Dennett丹尼特, OK?
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而綠色代表的是Daniel Dennett,好嗎?
06:14
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:17
The scales here are religiosity篤信 from zero percent百分,
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橫向坐標軸是信仰程度,從0%,
06:21
or atheist無神論者, to 100 percent百分, Bible聖經 literally按照字面 true真正.
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或稱無神論者,到100%,也就是相信聖經絕對正確的。
06:24
And then this is books圖書 sold出售 -- the logarithmic對數的 scale規模.
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而縱座標是書的銷售量。
06:28
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:32
30,000, 300,000, three million百萬, 30 million百萬, 300 million百萬.
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三萬、三十萬、三百萬、三千萬、三億。
06:35
OK, now they're duking各自主推 it out. Now they're duking各自主推 it out.
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好的,他們正激烈的交鋒。現在他們正在激烈的交鋒。
06:37
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:39
And Rick幹草堆 Warren's沃倫的 kind of pulling ahead, kind of pulling ahead.
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Rick Warren領先了一些,領先了一些。
06:41
Yup, and his installed安裝 base基礎 is getting得到 a little bigger.
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是的,他所佔的面積擴大了一些。
06:45
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:50
But Darwin's達爾文 dangerous危險 idea理念 is coming未來 back. It's coming未來 back.
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但是達爾文可怕的想法回來了。它回來了。
06:54
Let me turn the trails步道 on, so you can see that a little bit better.
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讓我把軌跡叫出來,好讓你們看得更清楚。
06:56
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
07:03
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
07:09
Now, one of the things that's very important重要 is,
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現在,有一件很重要的事情是,
07:11
Nicholas尼古拉斯 Negroponte內格羅蓬特 talked to us about one lap膝部 dance舞蹈 per --
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Nicholas Negroponte談到每人大腿舞
07:13
I'm sorry --
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對不起-
07:14
(Laughter笑聲)
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(註: laptop(筆電)與lap dance(大腿舞)發音相似。)
07:23
about One Laptop筆記本電腦 Per Child兒童.
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是每個孩子擁有一台筆記型電腦。
07:25
Now let's talk about some of the characteristics特點
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現在我們來談談它的一些特徵
07:27
that are important重要 for this revolutionary革命的 device設備.
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對於這革命性的設備來說非常重要的特徵。
07:29
I'll tell you a little bit about the design設計 parameters參數,
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我會告訴大家一些有關設計的因素,
07:31
and then I'll show顯示 it to you in person.
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然後我會親自為大家展示成品。
07:33
First of all, it needs需求 to be small.
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首先,它應該要很小。
07:35
It needs需求 to be flat平面, so it's transportable運輸.
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它應該是扁平的,以便於運輸。
07:37
Lightweight輕量級. Portable手提.
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重量輕巧。便於攜帶。
07:39
Uses用途 very, very little power功率.
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非常非常低的耗能。
07:41
Very, very high resolution解析度.
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解析度非常非常高。
07:43
Has to be visible可見 in bright daylight陽光. Will work anywhere隨地.
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在強烈的日光下清晰可見。可以在任何地點工作。
07:46
And broadly寬廣地 applicable適用 across橫過 many許多 platforms平台.
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且能夠適用於多種平台。
07:49
Now, we've我們已經 actually其實 doneDONE some research研究 --
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現在,我們實際上已經做過一些調查-
07:51
Neil尼爾 Gershenfeld格申費爾德 and the FabFAB Labs實驗室 went out into the market市場.
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Neil Gershenfeld以及Fab實驗室實際做了市場調查。
07:54
They did some research研究; we came來了 back; and we think we have the perfect完善 prototype原型
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他們做了一些研究,回來之後,我們認為找到了完美的原型
07:58
of what the students學生們 in the field領域 are actually其實 asking for.
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那正是那些偏遠地區的學生們真正想要的。
08:02
And here it is,
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就是這個,
08:04
the $100 computer電腦.
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百元的電腦。
08:06
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:13
OK, OK, OK, OK -- excellent優秀, excellent優秀.
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好的,好的,好的,好的—太棒了,太棒了。
08:19
Now, I bought this device設備 from Clifford克利福德 Stoll斯托爾 for about 900 bucks雄鹿.
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現在,我從Clifford Stoll那裡花了約900元買了這個設備。
08:23
And he and his team球隊 of junior-high初中高 school學校 students學生們
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他和他的國中學生所組成的團隊
08:26
were doing real真實 science科學.
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正在做真正的科學實驗。
08:28
So we're trying to check and trying to douse撲滅 here,
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所以我們想在這裡測試一下,
08:30
and see who uses使用 marijuana大麻.
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看看誰有吸大麻。
08:32
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:33
See who uses使用 marijuana大麻.
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看看誰有吸大麻。
08:35
Are we going to be able能夠 to find any marijuana大麻, Jim吉姆 Young年輕?
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Jim Young,我們能找到大麻嗎?
08:38
Only if we open打開 enough足夠 locker更衣室 doors.
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只要我們置物櫃開的夠多的話就可以。
08:41
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:44
OK, now smallpox天花 is an extremely非常 distressing令人痛心 illness疾病.
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好的,天花是一種令人痛苦無比的疾病。
08:48
We had Dr博士. Larry拉里 Brilliant輝煌 talking about how we eradicated根除 smallpox天花.
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我們將會讓Larry Brilliant博士跟我們講如何消除天花。
08:52
I wanted to show顯示 you the stages階段 of smallpox天花.
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我想為大家展示一下長天花的過程。
08:55
We start開始. This is day one.
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開始了。 這是第一天。
08:57
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
09:00
Day two.
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第二天。
09:02
Day three, she gets得到 a massively大規模 big pox on her shoulder.
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第三天,她的肩膀上長了一個非常大的膿泡。
09:06
Day three.
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第三天。
09:08
Day four.
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第四天。
09:10
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
09:11
Day five
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第五天。
09:13
and day six.
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第六天。
09:15
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
09:16
Now the good news新聞 is, because I'm a trained熟練 medical professional專業的,
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有好消息是,由於我是個經過訓練的醫學專家,
09:19
I know that even though雖然 she'll貝殼 be scarred傷痕累累 for life,
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我知道雖然她將一生帶著疤痕生活,
09:21
she's going to make a full充分 recovery復甦.
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但是她會痊癒的。
09:23
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
09:30
Now the good news新聞 about Architects建築師 for Humanity人性
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這裡有個關於人道建築師的好消息,
09:33
is they're really kind of the most amazing驚人 group.
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他們真的是最讓人驚嘆的團隊。
09:36
They've他們已經 been sponsoring贊助 a design設計 competition競爭
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他們贊助了一個設計比賽
09:38
to come up with innovative創新 medical housing住房 solutions解決方案,
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以尋找創新的醫療場所的解決方案,
09:40
clinic診所 solutions解決方案, in Africa非洲,
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診所的解決方案,在非洲。
09:42
and they've他們已經 had a design設計 competition競爭.
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所以他們舉辦了一場設計比賽。
09:45
Now the wonderful精彩 thing is, Larry拉里 Brilliant輝煌 was just appointed任命
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讓人驚嘆的事是,Larry Brilliant剛剛被指派
09:48
the head of the Google谷歌 Foundation基礎,
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被指派為Google基金會的主席。
09:50
and so he decided決定 that he would support支持 --
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所以他決定他將會支持—
09:53
he would support支持 Cameron's卡梅倫 work.
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他將會支持Cameron的工作。
09:55
And the way he decided決定 to support支持 that work
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他支持的方式是
09:58
was by shipping運輸 over 50,000 shipping運輸 containers集裝箱
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是藉由運送超過五萬箱
10:00
of Google谷歌 snacks小吃.
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的Google點心。
10:02
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
10:04
So I want to show顯示 you some prototypes原型.
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我想給大家看一些原型。
10:11
The U.N. -- you know, they took 20 years年份 just to add a flap拍打 to a tent帳篷,
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聯合國—你們知道的,他們花了20年才將帳篷加上罩子。
10:14
but I think we have some more exciting扣人心弦 things.
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但我想我們有一些讓人更興奮的東西。
10:17
This is a home made製作 entirely完全 out of Fruit水果 Roll-Ups春捲.
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這是一個完全用水果捲糖做成的房子。
10:20
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
10:23
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
10:29
And those roll-up捲起 cookies餅乾 coated with white白色 chocolate巧克力.
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而這些捲糖、裹著白巧克力。
10:32
And the really wonderful精彩 thing about this is,
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這房子更棒的地方,
10:34
when you're doneDONE, well --
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就是在你完成後-
10:36
you can eat it.
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你可以吃了它。
10:39
But the thing that I'm really, really excited興奮 about
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但其實最讓我感到興奮的
10:42
is this incredible難以置信 granola格蘭諾拉麥片 house.
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是這個令人難以置信的穀片屋。
10:44
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
10:45
And the granola格蘭諾拉麥片 house has a special特別 Sun太陽 Chip芯片 roof屋頂
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穀片屋上有特別的洋芋片作為屋頂
10:48
to collect蒐集 water and recycle回收 it.
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用以收集和再利用水資源。
10:50
And it's -- well, on this side it has regular定期 Sour Patch補丁 Kids童裝
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而這-嗯,在這面它有排列整齊的酸甜軟糖
10:54
and Gummy粘性的 Bears to let in the light.
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和小熊軟糖使光線進入。
10:56
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
10:57
But on this side, it has sugary含糖 Gummy粘性的 Bears,
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但在這一面,則有著撒上糖粉的小熊軟糖,
10:59
to diffuse擴散 the light more slightly.
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將光線漫射得更柔和。
11:02
And we -- we wanted just to show顯示 you what this might威力 look like in situ原位.
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而我們-我們只是想要讓你們知道它在原位上看起來可能如何。
11:06
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
11:10
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
11:17
So, Einstein愛因斯坦 --
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那麼、Einstein-
11:20
Einstein愛因斯坦, tell me --
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Einstein,告訴我-
11:23
what's your favorite喜愛 song歌曲?
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你最喜歡哪首歌?
11:26
No, I said what's your favorite喜愛 song歌曲?
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不、我說,你最喜歡哪首歌?
11:31
No, I said what's your favorite喜愛 song歌曲?
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不、我說,你最喜歡哪首歌?
11:34
"Free自由 Bird."
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"自由的鳥"
11:36
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
11:39
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
11:45
OK, so, Einstein愛因斯坦,
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好,那、Einstein,
11:48
what's your favorite喜愛 singing唱歌 group?
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你最喜歡哪個歌唱團體?
11:53
Could you say that again? What's your favorite喜愛 singing唱歌 group?
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你可以再說一次嗎?你最喜歡哪個歌唱團體?
11:59
OK, one more time -- I'm just going to give you a little help.
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好,再來一次-我會給你一點提示。
12:01
Your favorite喜愛 singing唱歌 group -- it's Diana戴安娜 Ross羅斯 and the --
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你最喜歡的歌唱團體-是Diana Ross & the-
12:05
Audience聽眾: Supremes至高無上!
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觀眾:Supremes!
12:06
Tom湯姆 Reilly賴利: Exactly究竟.
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Tom Reilly:完全正確。
12:08
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
12:16
Could we have the sound聲音 up on the laptop筆記本電腦, please?
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我們可以把筆電聲音放大聲一些嗎?
12:18
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
12:20
"Free自由 Bird" kind of reminds提醒 me that if you --
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"自由的鳥"讓我想起假如你們-
12:21
if you listen to "Free自由 Bird" backwards向後,
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假如你們倒著聽"自由的鳥",
12:23
this is what you might威力 hear.
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這可能是你們會聽到的。
12:26
Computer電腦: Satan撒但. Satan撒但. Satan撒但. Satan撒但.
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電腦:撒旦。撒旦。撒旦。撒旦。
12:32
Satan撒但. Satan撒但. Satan撒但.
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撒旦。撒旦。撒旦。
12:35
TRTR: Now it's a little hard to hear the whole整個 message信息, so I wanted to --
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Tom Reilly:目前為止要聽出完整的訊息是有一點難,所以我想-
12:37
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
12:39
so I wanted to help you a little bit.
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所以我想給你們一些幫助。
12:47
Computer電腦: My sweet Satan撒但. Dan Dennett丹尼特 worships崇拜 Satan撒但.
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電腦:我親愛的撒旦。Dan Dennett崇拜撒旦。
12:51
Buy購買 "The Purpose-Driven標竿 Life," or Satan撒但 will take your soul靈魂.
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買一本“標竿人生”,否則撒旦將帶走你的靈魂。
12:55
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
13:06
TRTR: So,
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Tom Reilly: 所以,
13:08
we've我們已經 talked a lot about global全球 warming變暖,
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關於全球暖化,我們已經談了很多,
13:10
but, you know, as Jill吉爾 said, it sounds聲音 kind of nice不錯 --
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但你們知道、就像Jill說過,這聽起來是種不錯的-
13:13
good weather天氣 in the wintertime冬季, and New York紐約 City.
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好天氣在冬天和紐約市。
13:16
And as Jay松鴉 Walker助步車 pointed out, that is just not scary害怕 enough足夠.
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而且正如Jay Walker所指,這並不足以令人毛骨悚然。
13:21
So Al, I actually其實 think I'm rather good at branding品牌.
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所以,高爾先生,我真的認為我很擅長作宣傳。
13:24
So I've tried試著 to figure數字 out a good design設計 process處理
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我曾經試圖找出一個好的設計流程
13:27
to come up with a new term術語 to replace更換 "global全球 warming變暖."
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來想出一個新的名詞代替"全球暖化"。
13:30
So we started開始 with Babel巴別塔 Fish. We put in global全球 warming變暖.
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所以我從Babel Fish著手。我們鍵入全球暖化。
13:34
And then we decided決定 that we'd星期三 change更改 it from English英語 to Dutch荷蘭人 --
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然後我們選定要將它從英文翻成荷蘭語-
13:36
into "HetHET globaleglobale VerwarmenVerwarmen."
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變成“Het globale Verwarmen”
13:39
From Dutch荷蘭人 to [Korean朝鮮的], into "HordahordaneecheewaHordahordaneecheewa."
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從荷蘭語翻成中文(其實是韓文),變成“Hordahordaneecheewa”
13:42
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
13:43
[Korean朝鮮的] to Portuguese葡萄牙語: Aquecer-seAquecer-SE Global全球.
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中文翻成葡萄牙文:Aquecer-se Global
13:46
Then Portuguese葡萄牙語 to Pig Latin拉丁.
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然後葡萄牙文翻成兒童黑話。
13:48
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
13:58
Aquecer-seAquecer-SE ucked-fayucked - 費伊.
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Aquecer-se ucked-fay.
14:00
And then finally最後 back into the English英語,
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而最後翻回英文
14:03
which哪一個 is, we're totally完全 fucked性交.
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則是,我們玩完了。
14:05
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
14:07
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
14:13
Now I don't know about you,
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現在我並不知道你們怎麼想,
14:15
but Michael邁克爾 Shermer舍默 talked about the willingness願意 for human人的 beings眾生 --
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但Michael Shermer 說過關於人類的期望-
14:18
evolutionarily進化, they're designed設計 to see patterns模式 in things.
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由於進化,人們被設計為為了看見事情規律。
14:21
For example, in cheese起司 sandwiches三明治.
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例如,起司三明治。
14:24
Now can you look at that carefully小心 and see if you see the Virgin處女 Mary瑪麗?
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現在你們可以仔細的看並看看你們是否可以看見聖母瑪利亞?
14:28
I tried試著 to make it a little bit clearer更清晰.
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我試著讓它更清楚些。
14:30
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
14:34
Is it the Virgin處女 Mary瑪麗?
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這是聖母瑪利亞嗎?
14:36
Or is it Mena梅納 Trott特羅特?
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或者這是Mena Trott?
14:41
So, I talked to Josh玩笑 Prince-Ramus王子拉莫斯 about the convention慣例 center中央
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所以,我和Josh Prince-Romus談到會議中心
14:43
and the conferences會議. It's getting得到 awfully非常 big.
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和大會。它變得非常的大。
14:45
It's getting得到 just a little bit too big. It's bursting爆破 at the seams接縫 here a little bit.
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它變的簡直有一點太大。大到似乎有點要擠爆這裡。
14:48
So we tried試著 to come up with a program程序 --
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所以我試圖找出一個方案-
14:50
how we could remake翻拍 this structure結構體 to better accommodate容納 TEDTED.
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我們如何翻新這個架構讓它更適合TED。
14:53
So first of all we decided決定 --
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首先我們決定-
14:55
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
14:56
that we needed需要 about one-third三分之一 bookstore書店,
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我們需要大約三分之一的書店,
14:58
one-third三分之一 Google谷歌 cafe咖啡店,
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三分之一的Google咖啡館,
15:00
about 20 percent百分 registration註冊, 80 percent百分 luxury豪華 hotel旅館,
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約百分之二十的接待中心、百分之八十的豪華酒店,
15:03
about five percent百分 for restrooms廁所.
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百分之五左右的廁所。
15:05
And then of course課程, we wanted to have the simulcast同播 lounge休息室,
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接下來,當然,我們想要有聯播休息室、
15:07
the lobby前廳 and the Steinbeck斯坦貝克 forum論壇.
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大廳和Steinbeck論壇會議中心。
15:08
Now let me show顯示 you how that
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現在讓我呈現讓你們知道
15:10
literally按照字面 translated翻譯 into the design設計 program程序.
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直接轉成設計方案是什麼樣子。
15:13
So first,
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首先,
15:15
one of the problems問題 with Monterey蒙特雷 is that if there is global全球 warming變暖
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對於蒙特里的其中一個問題就是假如那裡發生全球暖化
15:17
and Greenland格陵蘭 melts熔體 as you say, the ocean海洋 level水平
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而格陵蘭島冰川如你們所說的融化了,海平面
15:19
is going to rise上升 20 feet and flood洪水 the hell地獄 out of the convention慣例 center中央.
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將會上升20英呎且淹沒會議中心。
15:23
So we're going to build建立 this new building建造 on stilts高蹺.
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所以我們將在腳柱上建造這個新的建築物。
15:25
So we build建立 this building建造 on stilts高蹺,
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我們在腳柱上建造這個新的建築物,
15:27
then up here --
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然後上面這裡-
15:29
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
15:30
is where we're going to put the new Steinbeck斯坦貝克 auditorium禮堂.
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就是我們將會放上新Steinbeck會議中心的地方。
15:32
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
15:33
And the wonderful精彩 thing about the new bookstore書店 is,
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而關於這書店很棒的地方是,
15:36
it's going to be shaped成形 in a spiral螺旋 that's organized有組織的 by the Dewey杜威 Decimal十進制 System系統.
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它將被塑造為一條以杜威十進分類法編排的螺旋線。
15:40
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
15:42
Then we're going to make an escalator自動樓梯 that helps幫助 you get up there.
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然後我們會設置手扶梯幫助你們上去那裡。
15:45
And finally最後, we're going to put the Marriott萬豪酒店 Hotel旅館
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而最後,我們將放上萬豪酒店
15:48
and the Portola波托拉 Plaza廣場 on the top最佳.
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和Portola披薩店在上面。
15:50
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
15:54
Now I don't know about you, but sometimes有時 I have these images圖片 in my head
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現在我不知道你們怎麼想,但有時候我的腦海裡總會有這些
15:57
of separated分離 at birth分娩.
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一產生就分裂的影像。
15:59
I don't know about you, but when I see Aubrey奧布里 de Grey灰色,
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我並不知道你們怎麼想,但當我看見Aubrey de Grey
16:02
I immediately立即 go to Gandalf甘道夫 the Grey灰色.
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我會馬上想到Gandalf the Grey。
16:05
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
16:09
OK. Now, we've我們已經 heard聽說, of course課程,
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好。現在,我們都聽過,當然。
16:11
that we're all soldiers士兵 here.
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我們在場都是士兵。
16:14
So what I'd really, really like you to do now is,
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所以我真的、真的想要你們現在做的是,
16:16
pick up your white白色 piece of paper. Does everybody每個人 have their white白色 piece of paper?
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拿出你的一張白紙。每個人都有自己的白紙嗎?
16:20
And I want you to get out a pen鋼筆,
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然後我想要你們拿出一支筆。
16:23
and I want you to write a terrorist恐怖分子 note注意.
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然後我想要你們寫下恐嚇信。
16:25
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
16:28
If we put up the ELMOELMO for a moment時刻 --
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假如我們容忍ELMO一段時間-
16:31
if we put up the ELMOELMO, then we'll get, you know,
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假如我們容忍ELMO,然後我們會得到,你知道
16:33
I'll give you a model模型 that you can work from, OK?
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我會給你們示範讓你們可以照做,可以吧?
16:37
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
16:39
And then I want you to fold that note注意 into a paper airplane飛機.
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接下來我想要你們將這個摺成紙飛機。
16:44
And once一旦 you've folded折疊 it into a paper airplane飛機,
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而且一旦你已經摺成紙飛機,
16:46
I want you to take some anthrax炭疽病 --
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我希望你們可以去拿一些炭疽菌-
16:48
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
16:50
and I want you to put that in the paper airplane飛機.
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而且我希望你們將炭疽菌放進紙飛機。
16:53
And then I want you to throw it on Jim吉姆 Young年輕.
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然後我想要你們將紙飛機丟向Jim Young。
16:55
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
16:58
Luckily, I was the recipient接受者 of the TEDTED Prize this year.
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幸運的是,我是今年TED Prize的得獎者。
17:02
And I wanted to see --
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而我想看到-
17:04
I want to dedicate奉獻 this film電影 to my father父親, Homer荷馬.
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我想將這部影片獻給我父親Homer。
17:07
OK.
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好。
17:15
Now this film電影 isn't really hard enough足夠,
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現在這個影片並不是真的夠有難度。
17:17
so I wanted to make it a little bit harder更難.
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所以我想讓它更難一些。
17:19
So I'm going to try and do this while reciting背誦 piPI.
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我要試試看邊這麼做邊背圓周率。
17:21
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
17:22
3.1415,
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3.1415,
17:25
2657,
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2657,
17:27
753,
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2000
753,
17:29
8567,
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2000
8567,
17:33
24972 --
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24972-
17:35
-- 85871, 25871,
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-85871,25871,
17:40
3928, 5657,
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4000
3928,5657,
17:46
2592, 5624.
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2592,5624。
17:49
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
17:56
Can we cue球桿 the music音樂 please?
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我們可以下音樂嗎?
18:14
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
18:25
Now I wanted to use this talk to talk about global全球 warming變暖 a little bit.
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現在我想講一些關於全球暖化的部分。
18:30
Back in 1968,
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在1968年,
18:32
you can see that the mountain range範圍 of Brokeback斷臂 Mountain
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你可以看見斷背山山脈
18:35
was covered覆蓋 in 151 inches英寸 of snow pack.
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覆蓋著151英吋的積雪。
18:40
Parenthetically順便, over there on the slopes連續下坡,
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順道一提,在這斜坡的這個地方,
18:42
I did want to show顯示 you that black黑色 men男人 ski滑雪.
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我並不想讓你們知道有一個黑人在滑雪。
18:46
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
18:52
But over the years年份,
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但過了幾年,
18:55
10 years年份 later後來, the snow packs eroded侵蝕,
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十年後,積雪消融,
18:57
and, if you notice注意, the trees樹木 have started開始 turning車削 yellow黃色.
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而假如你有注意到,樹已經開始變得枯黃。
18:59
The water level水平 of the lake has started開始 drying烘乾 up.
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湖的水位也開始下降。
19:04
A few少數 years年份 later後來, there's no snow left at all.
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幾年後,雪融的絲毫不剩。
19:07
And all the trees樹木 have turned轉身 brown棕色.
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所有的樹也都轉變成褐色。
19:11
This year, unfortunately不幸 the lakebed's湖底的
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在今年,很不幸的是
19:13
turned轉身 into an absolute絕對 cracked破解 dry bed.
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湖床已完全乾裂。
19:16
And I fear恐懼, if we do nothing for our planet行星,
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假如我們繼續對我們的地球置之不理,
19:19
in 20 years年份, it's going to look like this.
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我擔心在二十年內,它看起來將會如此。
19:24
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
19:37
Mr先生. Vice President主席, I wish希望 I knew知道 how to quit放棄 you.
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副總統先生,我希望我知道如何戒掉你。
19:42
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
19:43
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
19:47
Thank you very much.
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非常感謝大家。
19:48
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
Translated by WEI-HSIN TU
Reviewed by Leemen Lee

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tom Rielly - Satirist
Traditionally, Tom Rielly closes the TED Conference with a merciless 18-minute monologue, skewering all the speakers with his deadpan delivery, spot-on satire and boundary-less performance (complete with PowerPoint, pratfalls and partial nudity).

Why you should listen

Talk a walk back through the history of digital media, and you'll find our colleague Tom Rielly every step along the way. He entered the mediasphere with a memorable turn in the 1980 film My Bodyguard. A lifelong performer, he soon found a second love in personal computing. He recognized early on the incredible power of Macs, CD-ROMs and the Web, founding Yale's Macintosh User Group in 1984, then working at SuperMac, Farallon and Voyager, among other pioneering companies.

Rielly is perhaps best-known for co-founding PlanetOut, the first digital home for gays and lesbians, which went public in 2004. He also co-founded the influential nonprofit Digital Queers. As TED's Director of Partnerships, Tom now choreographs the wide range of collaborations that help bring TED to life, at the conference and online. But he's found his true vocation as TED's resident satirist, a role he's played for more than a decade.

Since 1995, Rielly has been hijacking the final session of the conference with his whip-smart satire of all the speakers who came before him -- skewering the egos, mocking the flights of fancy, parroting the doomsday predictions, and imagining a world where Al Gore tells him "I can't quit you."

Fearless and unfailingly funny, Tom's lightning performances bring a flash of brilliance to the closing session and draw a standing ovation every time.

More profile about the speaker
Tom Rielly | Speaker | TED.com