TEDWomen 2016
Peggy Orenstein: What young women believe about their own sexual pleasure
Peggy Orenstein: Mida tähendab noorte naiste jaoks seksuaalne nauding?
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Miks arvavad tüdrukud, et neil on küll vabadus väljendada oma seksuaalsust, kuid nad ei leia, et peaksid seda nautima? Kolme aasta jooksul intervjueeris kirjanik Peggy Orenstein 15- 21-aastaseid tüdrukuid seksuaalsuse teemadel, uurides nende kogemusi ja suhtumist seksi. Talle sai selgeks, et tüdrukud on seksuaalsuhtes naudingu saamise jätnud pigem tahaplaanile. Seetõttu kutsub ta üles nii vanemaid kui ka kooli tegelema nn orgasmilõhega ja rääkima tüdrukutega avameelselt juba päris varases eas nende kehast, seksist, naudingust, vastutusest ja lähedusest.
Peggy Orenstein - Journalist, author
In her groundbreaking book Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein explores the changing landscape of modern sexual expectations and its troubling impact on adolescents and young women. Full bio
In her groundbreaking book Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein explores the changing landscape of modern sexual expectations and its troubling impact on adolescents and young women. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
For several years now,
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Juba mitu aastat on kogu Ameerikas
00:14
we've been engaged in a national debate
about sexual assault on campus.
about sexual assault on campus.
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tekitanud elavat diskussiooni
seksuaalvägivald ülikoolilinnakutes.
seksuaalvägivald ülikoolilinnakutes.
00:19
No question --
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Pole küsimustki, et noored peavad mõistma
00:20
it's crucial that young people
understand the ground rules for consent,
understand the ground rules for consent,
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vastastikkuse nõusoleku põhimõtet.
00:25
but that's where the conversation
about sex is ending.
about sex is ending.
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Paraku sellest kaugemale
seksist rääkides ei jõuta.
seksist rääkides ei jõuta.
00:29
And in that vacuum of information
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Selles infovaakumis
saavad lapsed oma teadmised
meediast ja internetist
meediast ja internetist
00:31
the media and the Internet --
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00:33
that new digital street corner --
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kuskilt virtuaalselt tänavanurgalt,
mitte meie käest.
mitte meie käest.
00:34
are educating our kids for us.
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00:38
If we truly want young people
to engage safely, ethically,
to engage safely, ethically,
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Kui me tahame, et noorte vahekorrad
oleksid turvalised, eetilised
oleksid turvalised, eetilised
ja muidugi ka nauditavad,
00:43
and yes, enjoyably,
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00:46
it's time to have open honest discussion
about what happens after "yes,"
about what happens after "yes,"
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siis on viimane aeg
rääkida ausalt sellest,
rääkida ausalt sellest,
mis järgneb sellele,
kui nõusolek on antud,
kui nõusolek on antud,
sealhulgas tuleb rääkida
seni suurimast tabuteemast,
seni suurimast tabuteemast,
00:52
and that includes breaking
the biggest taboo of all
the biggest taboo of all
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naiste võimest ja õigusest seksi nautida.
00:55
and talking to young people
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00:57
about women's capacity for
and entitlement to sexual pleasure.
and entitlement to sexual pleasure.
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01:03
Yeah.
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Just nii.
01:04
(Applause)
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(Aplaus)
01:05
Come on, ladies.
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Eks ole, naised.
01:06
(Applause)
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(Aplaus)
01:08
I spent three years
talking to girls ages 15 to 20
talking to girls ages 15 to 20
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Rääkisin kolme aasta jooksul
15-20 aastastele neiudega
15-20 aastastele neiudega
01:12
about their attitudes
and experience of sex.
and experience of sex.
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nende arvamustest ja
kogemustest seksi vallas.
kogemustest seksi vallas.
01:15
And what I found was
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Ja selgus, et kuigi noored naised tunnevad
01:17
that while young women may feel
entitled to engage in sexual behavior,
entitled to engage in sexual behavior,
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et neil on õigus seksiga tegeleda,
01:21
they don't necessarily
feel entitled to enjoy it.
feel entitled to enjoy it.
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ei arva nad tingimata,
et neil on õigus seda nautida.
et neil on õigus seda nautida.
Nagu üks Ivy League
ülikooli rebane mulle ütles:
ülikooli rebane mulle ütles:
01:25
Take this sophomore
at the Ivy League college
at the Ivy League college
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01:27
who told me,
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“Minu peres on alati olnud
targad ja tugevad naised.
targad ja tugevad naised.
01:28
"I come from a long line
of smart, strong women.
of smart, strong women.
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01:31
My grandmother was a firecracker,
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Mu vanaema oli kange naine,
mu ema töötab oma erialal,
01:34
my mom is a professional,
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meie õega ütleme alati oma arvamuse
välja, see on meie naiselik tugevus.”
välja, see on meie naiselik tugevus.”
01:36
my sister and I are loud,
and that's our form of feminine power."
and that's our form of feminine power."
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Siis rääkis ta oma seksuaalelust:
01:40
She then proceeded
to describe her sex life to me:
to describe her sex life to me:
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01:43
a series of one-off hookups,
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palju erinevaid lühisuhteid,
mis algasid 13-aastaselt
01:45
starting when she was 13,
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ja ei olnud eriti vastutustundlikud,
01:46
that were ...
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01:48
not especially responsible,
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mitte just vastastikkused
ega ka eriti nauditavad.
ega ka eriti nauditavad.
01:50
not especially reciprocal
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01:52
and not especially enjoyable.
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01:55
She shrugged.
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Ta kehitas õlgu:
“Ilmselt kasvatatakse tüdrukuid
sellisteks malbeteks olevusteks,
sellisteks malbeteks olevusteks,
01:56
"I guess we girls are just socialized
to be these docile creatures
to be these docile creatures
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kes ei näita oma soove ja vajadusi välja.”
02:00
who don't express our wants or needs."
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“Kuule,” ütlesin talle,
02:03
"Wait a minute," I replied.
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02:05
"Didn't you just tell me
what a smart, strong woman you are?"
what a smart, strong woman you are?"
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“Rääkisid hetk tagasi, kui tark
ja tugev naine sa oled.”
ja tugev naine sa oled.”
02:09
She hemmed and hawed.
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Ta otsis sõnu ja ütles viimaks
“Ilmselt ei ole keegi mulle öelnud,
02:11
"I guess," she finally said,
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02:12
"no one told me that that smart,
strong image applies to sex."
strong image applies to sex."
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et see targa ja tugeva naise
kuvand kehtib ka seksi osas.”
kuvand kehtib ka seksi osas.”
Siinkohal tahaks kohe ära öelda,
02:17
I should probably say right up top
that despite the hype,
that despite the hype,
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et tegelikult ei alusta
teismelised seksuaaleluga
teismelised seksuaaleluga
02:20
teenagers are not engaging in intercourse
more often or at a younger age
more often or at a younger age
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varem või intensiivsemalt
kui 25 aastat tagasi.
kui 25 aastat tagasi.
02:25
than they were 25 years ago.
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Samas on neil aga teised probleemid.
02:28
They are, however,
engaging in other behavior.
engaging in other behavior.
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Ja kui pigistame selle ees silma kinni
02:31
And when we ignore that,
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02:33
when we label that as "not sex,"
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ja ütleme, et see pole päris seks,
siis justkui lubame
riskantset ja alandavat käitumist.
riskantset ja alandavat käitumist.
02:36
that opens the door
to risky behavior and disrespect.
to risky behavior and disrespect.
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Eriti kehtib see oraalseksi puhul,
02:41
That's particularly true of oral sex,
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02:43
which teenagers consider
to be less intimate than intercourse.
to be less intimate than intercourse.
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mis teismeliste arust on
vähem intiimne kui vahekord.
vähem intiimne kui vahekord.
Tüdrukute sõnul pole see midagi erilist,
02:47
Girls would tell me, "it's no big deal,"
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nagu oleksid kõik lugenud
sama kasutusjuhist,
sama kasutusjuhist,
02:50
like they'd all read
the same instruction manual --
the same instruction manual --
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02:53
at least if boys
were on the receiving end.
were on the receiving end.
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vähemalt siis, kui poisid
on kasusaaja osas.
on kasusaaja osas.
Noored naised lähevad asjaga
kaasa erinevatel põhjustel.
kaasa erinevatel põhjustel.
02:57
Young women have lots
of reasons for participating.
of reasons for participating.
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See paneb nad tundma, et neid ihaldatakse.
03:00
It made them feel desired;
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03:02
it was a way to boost social status.
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see on võimalus tõsta
mainet sõprade seas,
mainet sõprade seas,
03:04
Sometimes, it was a way
to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
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Mõnikord aitab see välja
ebameeldivast olukorrast.
ebameeldivast olukorrast.
Üks lääneranniku ülikooli
esmakursuslane selgitas mulle:
esmakursuslane selgitas mulle:
03:08
As a freshman at a West Coast
college said to me,
college said to me,
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“Tüdruk on nõus kutile suuseksi tegema,
03:11
"A girl will give a guy a blow job
at the end of the night
at the end of the night
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sest ta ei taha poisiga päriselt seksida
03:14
because she doesn't
want to have sex with him,
want to have sex with him,
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ja poiss ju eeldab, et ta saab rahulduse.
03:16
and he expects to be satisfied.
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03:18
So, if I want him to leave
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Nii et kui ma tahan, et ta ära läheks
03:20
and I don't want anything to happen ... "
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ja et midagi ei toimuks, siis...”
03:24
I heard so many stories
of girls performing one-sided oral sex
of girls performing one-sided oral sex
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Kuna kuulsin nii paljudelt, et tüdrukud
nõustuvad ühepoolselt suuseksiga,
nõustuvad ühepoolselt suuseksiga,
hakkasin esitama küsimusi.
03:28
that I started asking,
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“Aga mis siis, kui iga kord,
kui jääd kutiga kahekesi,
kui jääd kutiga kahekesi,
03:30
"What if every time
you were alone with a guy,
you were alone with a guy,
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käsiks ta sul tuua köögist klaasi vett,
03:33
he told you to get him
a glass of water from the kitchen,
a glass of water from the kitchen,
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aga ta ise ei tooks sulle kunagi vett,
03:36
and he never got you a glass of water --
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või kui ta tooks, siis umbes nii -
03:39
or if he did, it was like ...
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Mida sa tahad..?
03:43
'you want me to uh ...?'"
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03:45
You know, totally begrudging.
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Oleks täiega häiriv.
03:48
You wouldn't stand for it.
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Sa ju ei laseks nii juhtuda.
Aga asi pole selles, et
poisid kunagi ei taha.
poisid kunagi ei taha.
03:50
But it wasn't always
that boys didn't want to.
that boys didn't want to.
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Asi oli selles, et tüdrukud ise ei
tahtnud, et poisid seda teeksid.
tahtnud, et poisid seda teeksid.
03:53
It was that girls didn't want them to.
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03:56
Girls expressed a sense of shame
around their genitals.
around their genitals.
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Tüdrukud väljendasid piinlikkust
oma suguelundite osas.
oma suguelundite osas.
Oma keha tundus öäkk ja samas püha.
03:59
A sense that they were
simultaneously icky and sacred.
simultaneously icky and sacred.
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Naiste suhtumine oma genitaalidesse
04:04
Women's feelings about their genitals
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on otseselt seotud võimega seksi nautida.
04:06
have been directly linked
to their enjoyment of sex.
to their enjoyment of sex.
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04:10
Yet, Debby Herbenick,
a researcher at Indiana University,
a researcher at Indiana University,
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Indiana Ülikooli teadlane
Debby Herbenick on leidnud,
Debby Herbenick on leidnud,
04:13
believes that girls' genital
self-image is under siege,
self-image is under siege,
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et tüdrukute kehataju suguelundite osas
peab taluma aina suuremat survet,
04:18
with more pressure than ever
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kuna suguelundite loomulikku olekut
peetaks millekski ebasobivaks.
peetaks millekski ebasobivaks.
04:20
to see them as unacceptable
in their natural state.
in their natural state.
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Uurimustes on selgunud,
04:24
According to research,
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et kolm neljandikku naisüliõpilastest
eemaldavad kõik oma häbemekarvad,
eemaldavad kõik oma häbemekarvad,
04:25
about three-quarters of college women
remove their pubic hair -- all of it --
remove their pubic hair -- all of it --
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vähemalt kui kuskile minnakse,
04:30
at least on occasion,
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04:31
and more than half do so regularly.
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ja enam kui pooled teevad
seda regulaarselt.
seda regulaarselt.
Tüdrukute sõnul on ilma
karvadeta puhtam tunne,
karvadeta puhtam tunne,
04:35
Girls would tell me that hair removal
made them feel cleaner,
made them feel cleaner,
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et see on nende endi valik.
04:39
that it was a personal choice.
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04:42
Though, I kind of wondered
if left alone on a desert island,
if left alone on a desert island,
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Samas ei ole ma kindel,
et omaette üksikul saarel
et omaette üksikul saarel
04:47
if this was how they would
choose to spend their time.
choose to spend their time.
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viitsiksid nad sellega jännata.
04:50
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
Ja kui ma siis edasi küsisin,
04:51
And when I pushed further,
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04:53
a darker motivation emerged:
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selgus ka varjatum põhjus:
04:55
avoiding humiliation.
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taheti vältida piinlikke momente.
“Kutid teevad näo, nagu oleks see rõve”,
04:57
"Guys act like they
would be disgusted by it,"
would be disgusted by it,"
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ütles üks noor naine.
05:00
one young woman told me.
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“Keegi ei taha, et temast
niimoodi räägitakse.”
niimoodi räägitakse.”
05:02
"No one wants to be
talked about like that."
talked about like that."
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Karvade eemaldamine tuletas mulle
meelde 1920ndaid aastaid,
meelde 1920ndaid aastaid,
05:06
The rising pubic hair removal
reminded me of the 1920s,
reminded me of the 1920s,
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mil naised hakkasid regulaarselt
kaenla alt ja jalgadelt karvu ära ajama.
kaenla alt ja jalgadelt karvu ära ajama.
05:09
when women first started regularly
shaving their armpits and their legs.
shaving their armpits and their legs.
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See oli siis, kui paljaste õlgadega
kleidid hakkasid moodi minema
kleidid hakkasid moodi minema
05:14
That's when flapper dresses
came into style,
came into style,
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05:16
and women's limbs were suddenly visible,
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ja naiste käed ja jalad
said äkitselt kõigile nähtavaks.
said äkitselt kõigile nähtavaks.
05:19
open to public scrutiny.
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05:21
There's a way that I think
that this too is a sign.
that this too is a sign.
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Võib muidugi mõelda,
et see oli omamoodi märguandeks,
et see oli omamoodi märguandeks,
et naiste kõige intiimsemad kehaosad
olid nüüd kõigile vaatamiseks väljas,
olid nüüd kõigile vaatamiseks väljas,
05:24
That a girl's most intimate part
is open to public scrutiny,
is open to public scrutiny,
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kõigile kritiseerimiseks,
05:29
open to critique,
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05:31
to becoming more about
how it looks to someone else
how it looks to someone else
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muutes olulisemaks selle,
mis mulje teistele jäetakse
mis mulje teistele jäetakse
05:34
than how it feels to her.
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kui selle, kuidas ennast ise tuntakse.
Karvade äraajamisega kaasnes
uus mood - häbememokkade plastika.
uus mood - häbememokkade plastika.
05:38
The shaving trend has sparked
another rise in labiaplasty.
another rise in labiaplasty.
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See tähendab sisemiste või välimiste
häbememokkade korrigeerimist.
häbememokkade korrigeerimist.
05:42
Labiaplasty, which is the trimming
of the inner and outer labia,
of the inner and outer labia,
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See on kiireimini populaarsust
koguv iluoperatsioon
koguv iluoperatsioon
05:47
is the fastest-growing cosmetic
surgery among teenage girls.
surgery among teenage girls.
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teismeliste neidude seas.
2014 kuni 2015 tõusis selliste
operatsioonide arv 80%.
operatsioonide arv 80%.
05:53
It rose 80 percent between 2014 and 2015,
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Kõikidest iluoperatsioonidest
tehakse alla 18-aastastel 2%,
tehakse alla 18-aastastel 2%,
05:57
and whereas girls under 18 comprise
two percent of all cosmetic surgeries,
two percent of all cosmetic surgeries,
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siis häbememokkade plastika puhul
on alla 18-aastaseid 5%.
on alla 18-aastaseid 5%.
06:01
they are five percent of labiaplasty.
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Kõige populaarsem
häbememokkade kuju on selline,
häbememokkade kuju on selline,
06:05
The most sought-after look, incidentally,
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06:07
in which the outer labia
appear fused like a clam shell,
appear fused like a clam shell,
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kus välimised häbememokad sulguvad
ümber sisemiste, nagu merikarp,
ümber sisemiste, nagu merikarp,
06:11
is called ...
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ja seda nimetatakse,
06:13
wait for it ...
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kuulake nüüd,
The Barbie
06:15
"The Barbie."
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(Oiged)
06:16
(Groan)
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Ilmselt pole mul vaja teile öeldagi,
06:18
I trust I don't have to tell you
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06:20
that Barbie is a) made of plastic
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et Barbie on a) tehtud plastmassist
ja b) tal puuduvad genitaalid.
06:23
and b) has no genitalia.
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(Naer)
06:26
(Laughter)
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See häbememokkade plastika tekitab
Ameerika naistearstidele sedavõrd muret,
Ameerika naistearstidele sedavõrd muret,
06:28
The labiaplasty trend
has become so worrisome
has become so worrisome
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06:31
that the American College
of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
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et nad on teinud avalduse,
06:34
has issued a statement on the procedure,
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mille kohaselt sellisel operatsioonil
06:37
which is rarely medically indicated,
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ei ole mingit meditsiinilist näidustust,
06:39
has not been proven safe
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see ei ole üldse ohutu
ja selle kõrvalnähtudeks on
armistumine, tuimus, valulikkus
armistumine, tuimus, valulikkus
06:41
and whose side effects
include scarring, numbness, pain
include scarring, numbness, pain
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ja seksuaalse tundlikkuse vähenemine.
06:47
and diminished sexual sensation.
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Tuleb tunnistada, et hetkel, õnneks,
06:50
Now, admittedly,
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06:52
and blessedly,
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ei ole nende tüdrukute arv kuigi suur,
06:53
the number of girls involved
is still quite small,
is still quite small,
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kuid nad hoiatavad ohtliku tendentsi eest
06:57
but you could see them
as canaries in a coal mine,
as canaries in a coal mine,
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07:00
telling us something important
about the way girls see their bodies.
about the way girls see their bodies.
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tüdrukute kehataju muutumisel.
Sara McClelland, kes on Michgani
Ülikooli psühholoog
Ülikooli psühholoog
07:05
Sara McClellan,
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07:07
a psychologist
at the University of Michigan,
at the University of Michigan,
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leidis sellele nähtusele
äärmiselt tabava nimetuse:
äärmiselt tabava nimetuse:
07:09
coined what is my favorite phrase ever
in talking about all of this:
in talking about all of this:
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“intiimne õiglus”
07:15
"Intimate justice."
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See tähendab, et seksil on nii
ühiskondlik kui ka isiklik tähendus,
ühiskondlik kui ka isiklik tähendus,
07:18
That's the idea that sex has political,
as well as personal implications,
as well as personal implications,
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samamoodi, nagu see, kes peseb nõud
07:22
just like, who does
the dishes in your house,
the dishes in your house,
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07:25
or who vacuums the rug.
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ja kes teeb tolmuimejaga vaibad puhtaks.
07:27
And it raises similar
issues about inequality,
issues about inequality,
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Sellest tuleneb sarnaseid probleeme,
mis on seotud ebavõrdse kohtlemise,
mis on seotud ebavõrdse kohtlemise,
majandusliku ebavõrdsuse, vägivalla
vaimse ja füüsilise tervisega.
vaimse ja füüsilise tervisega.
07:31
about economic disparity,
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07:33
violence,
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07:34
physical and mental health.
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07:37
Intimate justice asks us to consider
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Intiimne õiglus püstitab küsimuse,
07:40
who is entitled
to engage in an experience.
to engage in an experience.
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kellel on õigus astuda vahekorda,
kellel on õigus seda nautida,
07:43
Who is entitled to enjoy it?
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kes on peamine kasusaaja
07:46
Who is the primary beneficiary?
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07:49
And how does each partner
define "good enough"?
define "good enough"?
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ja mida tähendab kummagi partneri
jaoks “piisavalt hea”.
jaoks “piisavalt hea”.
Minu jaoks on need küsimused
väga keerulised ja teinekord valusad,
väga keerulised ja teinekord valusad,
07:53
Honestly, I think those questions
are tricky and sometimes traumatic
are tricky and sometimes traumatic
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07:58
for adult women to confront,
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seda ka täiskasvanud naiste jaoks,
aga kui me räägime siin tüdrukutest,
08:01
but when we're talking about girls,
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siis sai mulle üha enam selgeks,
et nende esmased seksuaalkogemused
et nende esmased seksuaalkogemused
08:03
I just kept coming back to the idea
that their early sexual experience
that their early sexual experience
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ei peaks olema sellised,
millest tuleb lihtsalt üle saada.
millest tuleb lihtsalt üle saada.
08:08
shouldn't have to be
something that they get over.
something that they get over.
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Oma uurimistöös leidis McClelland,
08:13
In her work,
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08:14
McClellan found that young women
were more likely than young men
were more likely than young men
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et neidudel on palju
sagedamini kui noormeestel
sagedamini kui noormeestel
08:18
to use their partner's pleasure
as a measure of their satisfaction.
as a measure of their satisfaction.
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rahulduse mõõdupuuks
hoopis partneri nauding.
hoopis partneri nauding.
Öeldakse, et kui tema saab rahulduse,
08:23
So they'd say things like,
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08:24
"If he's sexually satisfied,
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siis olen ka mina rahuldatud.
08:26
then I'm sexually satisfied."
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Noormeeste puhul on palju sagedamini
08:28
Young men were more likely to measure
their satisfaction by their own orgasm.
their satisfaction by their own orgasm.
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rahulduse mõõdupuuks nende enda orgasm.
Noored naised defineerisid
ka halba seksi teisiti.
ka halba seksi teisiti.
08:34
Young women also defined
bad sex differently.
bad sex differently.
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Seni suurimas uurimistöös,
08:39
In the largest ever survey
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08:41
ever conducted
on American sexual behavior,
on American sexual behavior,
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mis on ameeriklaste
seksuaalkäitumise osas tehtud,
seksuaalkäitumise osas tehtud,
08:44
they reported pain
in their sexual encounters
in their sexual encounters
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selgus, et 30% vahekordadest
on naisele valusad.
on naisele valusad.
08:48
30 percent of the time.
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08:51
They also used words like "depressing,"
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Kasutati ka sõnu nagu “masendav”,
“piinlik”
08:55
"humiliating,"
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“alandav”
08:56
"degrading."
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Noormehed ei öelnud kunagi midagi sellist.
08:58
The young men never used that language.
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Nii et see, kui naiste hinnangul
on nad seksiga sama rahul
on nad seksiga sama rahul
09:02
So when young women
report sexual satisfaction levels
report sexual satisfaction levels
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09:05
that are equal to
or greater than young men's --
or greater than young men's --
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või isegi rohkem rahul kui mehed,
ja uuringutes see sageli just nii paistab,
09:09
and they do in research --
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09:11
that can be deceptive.
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siis võib see olla petlik.
09:13
If a girl goes into an encounter
hoping that it won't hurt,
hoping that it won't hurt,
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Kui tüdruk astub vahekorda,
lootes, et see ei ole valus,
lootes, et see ei ole valus,
09:17
wanting to feel close to her partner
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ihaldades partneri lähedust
09:19
and expecting him to have an orgasm,
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ja lootes, et partner saab rahulduse,
09:22
she'll be satisfied
if those criteria are met.
if those criteria are met.
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on ta rahul, kui need ootused on täidetud.
Ega ei olegi midagi halba selles,
kui soovitakse partneriga lähedust
kui soovitakse partneriga lähedust
09:25
And there's nothing wrong with wanting
to feel close to your partner,
to feel close to your partner,
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ja teha ta õnnelikuks,
09:28
or wanting him to be happy,
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09:29
and orgasm isn't the only
measure of an experience ...
measure of an experience ...
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ja orgasm polegi ainus mõõdupuu,
aga soovida vaid, et see poleks valus -
09:33
but absence of pain --
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09:35
that's a very low bar
for your own sexual fulfillment.
for your own sexual fulfillment.
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siis on seksuaalse rahulduse
latt küll väga madalale seatud.
latt küll väga madalale seatud.
Kui ma seda kõike kuulen
ja selle üle järele mõtlen,
ja selle üle järele mõtlen,
09:41
Listening to all of this
and thinking about it,
and thinking about it,
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siis hakkan mõistma, et Ameerika tüdrukud
09:43
I began to realize that we performed
a kind of psychological clitoridectomy
a kind of psychological clitoridectomy
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on justkui psühholoogiliselt kastreeritud.
09:48
on American girls.
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Alates beebieast
09:50
Starting in infancy,
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nimetavad poiste vanemad
rohkem kõiki nende kehaosi,
rohkem kõiki nende kehaosi,
09:51
parents of baby boys are more likely
to name all their body parts,
to name all their body parts,
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vähemalt öeldakse, et “see on su noku”.
09:55
at least they'll say,
"here's your pee-pee."
"here's your pee-pee."
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09:58
Parents of baby girls
go right from navel to knees,
go right from navel to knees,
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Tüdrukbeebide vanemad hüppavad
naba juurest otse põlvede juurde
naba juurest otse põlvede juurde
10:01
and they leave this whole
situation in here unnamed.
situation in here unnamed.
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ja vahepealne osa jäetakse täiesti vahele.
10:04
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
Kõige lihtsam ongi tabusid tekitada nii,
10:06
There's no better way
to make something unspeakable
to make something unspeakable
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et asjadest lihtsalt ei räägita.
10:09
than not to name it.
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Koolis on inimeseõpetuse tunnid,
kus lastele õpetatakse,
kus lastele õpetatakse,
10:12
Then kids go into
their puberty education classes
their puberty education classes
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10:14
and they learn that boys
have erections and ejaculations,
have erections and ejaculations,
201
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et poistel on erektsioon ja seemnepurse
ja tüdrukutel on...
10:18
and girls have ...
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päevad ja oht soovimatuks rasestumiseks.
10:20
periods and unwanted pregnancy.
203
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Ja siis näidatakse joonist
naise reproduktiivorganitest,
naise reproduktiivorganitest,
10:24
And they see that internal diagram
of a woman's reproductive system --
of a woman's reproductive system --
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mis näeb välja nagu sarvedega pühvli pea.
10:27
you know, the one that looks
kind of like a steer head --
kind of like a steer head --
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10:30
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
Jalgevaheline koht on alati üsna udune.
10:34
And it always grays out between the legs.
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10:37
So we never say vulva,
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Kunagi ju ei öelda “häbe",
10:39
we certainly never say clitoris.
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kindlasti ei sobi nimetada kliitorit.
Pole siis ime,
10:42
No surprise,
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et vähem kui pooled 14-17 aastastest
teismelistest tüdrukutest
teismelistest tüdrukutest
10:43
fewer than half
of teenage girls age 14 to 17
of teenage girls age 14 to 17
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10:46
have ever masturbated.
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pole kunagi masturbeerinud.
10:49
And then they go
into their partnered experience
into their partnered experience
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Ja siis satuvad nad vahekorda
ja millegipärast arvatakse,
10:52
and we expect that somehow
they'll think sex is about them,
they'll think sex is about them,
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et nad mõistavad,
et seks on ka nende jaoks,
et seks on ka nende jaoks,
10:55
that they'll be able to articulate
their needs, their desires, their limits.
their needs, their desires, their limits.
215
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et nad oskavad väljendada
oma vajadusi, soove ja piire.
oma vajadusi, soove ja piire.
See ei ole realistlik.
11:01
It's unrealistic.
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Siin on aga veel midagi.
11:04
Here's something, though.
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Tüdrukute soov partnerile rahuldust tuua
11:06
Girls' investment
in their partner's pleasure remains
in their partner's pleasure remains
218
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kehtib sõltumata nende partneri soost.
11:09
regardless of the gender of the partner.
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Nii et samasooliste vahekorras
11:12
So in same-sex encounters,
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orgasmivajakut ei teki.
11:14
the orgasm gap disappears.
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Noored neiud saavad sama
palju orgasmi, kui mehed.
palju orgasmi, kui mehed.
11:18
And young women climax
at the same rate as men.
at the same rate as men.
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Lesbilistelt ja biseksuaalsetelt
tüdrukutelt kuulsin,
tüdrukutelt kuulsin,
11:22
Lesbian and bisexual girls would tell me
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11:24
that they felt liberated
to get off the script --
to get off the script --
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et nende jaoks oli vabastav
teha seda teistmoodi,
teha seda teistmoodi,
11:27
free to create an encounter
that worked for them.
that worked for them.
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olla vahekorras nii,
nagu see neile hea tundus.
nagu see neile hea tundus.
11:31
Gay girls also challenged
the idea of first intercourse
the idea of first intercourse
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Geitüdrukute jaoks ei olnud
esimene vahekord
esimene vahekord
tingimata seotud neitsilikkuse teemaga.
11:35
as the definition of virginity.
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Mitte, et vahekord poleks midagi olulist,
11:37
Not because intercourse isn't a big deal,
228
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aga pigem tasuks mõelda,
kas see üks akt,
kas see üks akt,
11:39
but it's worth questioning
why we consider this one act,
why we consider this one act,
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mis enamuse tüdrukute jaoks
seostub valu või ebameeldivusega,
seostub valu või ebameeldivusega,
11:44
which most girls associate
with discomfort or pain,
with discomfort or pain,
230
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11:46
to be the line in the sand
of sexual adulthood --
of sexual adulthood --
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peaks olema uks täiskasvanute
seksuaalmaailma,
seksuaalmaailma,
11:50
so much more meaningful,
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millel on nii suur tähtsus
11:51
so much more transformative
than anything else.
than anything else.
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ja mis toob kaasa olulisema
muutuse kui miski muu.
muutuse kui miski muu.
Samuti tuleks mõelda sellele,
kas see on tüdrukute huvides,
kas see on tüdrukute huvides,
11:55
And it's worth considering
how this is serving girls;
how this is serving girls;
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kas see kaitseb neid haiguste eest,
11:59
whether it's keeping them
safer from disease,
safer from disease,
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sundimise, reetmise ja vägivalla eest.
12:02
coercion, betrayal, assault.
236
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Kas see toetab vastastikkust hoolimist,
12:05
Whether it's encouraging
mutuality and caring;
mutuality and caring;
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12:09
what it means about the way
they see other sex acts;
they see other sex acts;
238
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mida tähendab see teiste
seksuaalsuse väljenduste kontekstis?
seksuaalsuse väljenduste kontekstis?
Kas see annab neile suurema sõnaõiguse
12:13
whether it's giving them more control over
239
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12:15
and joy in their experience,
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ja naudingu sellest kogemusest
12:17
and what it means about gay teens,
241
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2936
ja mida see tähendab
teismeliste geide jaoks,
teismeliste geide jaoks,
kel võib olla mitmeid partnereid, ilma,
et oldaks heteroseksuaalses vahekorras.
et oldaks heteroseksuaalses vahekorras.
12:20
who can have multiple sex partners
without heterosexual intercourse.
without heterosexual intercourse.
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Nii ma küsisingi ühelt geitüdrukult:
12:25
So I asked a gay girl that I met,
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“Mille järgi sa teadsid, et
sa ei ole enam süütu?”
sa ei ole enam süütu?”
12:28
"How'd you know
you weren't a virgin anymore?"
you weren't a virgin anymore?"
244
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Ta ütles, et Google'ist vaatas.
12:31
She said she had to Google it.
245
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1456
12:33
(Laughter)
246
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(Naer)
Ja Google ei osanud öelda.
12:35
And Google wasn't sure.
247
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12:37
(Laughter)
248
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(Naer)
Ta otsustas lõpuks, et ta ei
olnud enam süütu siis,
olnud enam süütu siis,
12:39
She finally decided
that she wasn't a virgin anymore
that she wasn't a virgin anymore
249
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kui ta oli partneriga saanud
oma esimese orgasmi.
oma esimese orgasmi.
12:42
after she'd had
her first orgasm with a partner.
her first orgasm with a partner.
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Ja mina mõtlesin: vau!
12:45
And I thought --
251
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12:47
whoa.
252
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1200
Mis oleks, kui kujutaksime hetkeks ette,
12:49
What if just for a second
253
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12:51
we imagined that was the definition?
254
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et see ongi süütuse definitsioon?
Ja veel kord, mitte et vahekord
poleks suur asi,
poleks suur asi,
12:55
Again, not because
intercourse isn't a big deal --
intercourse isn't a big deal --
255
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2336
12:57
of course it is --
256
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muidugi, see on oluline,
12:59
but it isn't the only big deal,
257
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2320
aga see pole ainus, mis loeb,
ja selle asemel, et mõelda
seksist kui võidujooksust finiši suunas,
seksist kui võidujooksust finiši suunas,
13:02
and rather than thinking about sex
as a race to a goal,
as a race to a goal,
258
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13:06
this helps us reconceptualize it
as a pool of experiences
as a pool of experiences
259
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5096
võiksime sellest mõelda
kui elamuste ja kogemuste allikast,
kui elamuste ja kogemuste allikast,
kus on soojust, tundeid, erutust,
iha, puudutusi ja lähedust.
iha, puudutusi ja lähedust.
13:11
that include warmth, affection, arousal,
260
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4616
13:15
desire, touch, intimacy.
261
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2800
13:19
And it's worth asking young people:
262
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2216
Noortelt tasub küsida,
kes on nende arvates
seksuaalselt kogenum,
seksuaalselt kogenum,
13:21
who's really the more sexually
experienced person?
experienced person?
263
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3536
kas see, kes veedab partneriga kolm tundi
13:25
The one who makes out
with a partner for three hours
with a partner for three hours
264
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eksperimenteerides sensuaalsuse
erinevate võimalustega
erinevate võimalustega
13:28
and experiments with sensual
tension and communication,
tension and communication,
265
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4576
või see, kes joob end peol maani täis
13:33
or the one who gets wasted at a party
and hooks up with a random
and hooks up with a random
266
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3816
ja läheb kellegi suvalisega voodisse,
13:36
in order to dump their "virginity"
before they get to college?
before they get to college?
267
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et saada lahti oma süütusest
enne ülikooli minekut.
enne ülikooli minekut.
Ainus viis, kuidas seda mõtlemist muuta,
13:41
The only way that shift
in thinking can happen though
in thinking can happen though
268
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3176
13:44
is if we talk to young people
more about sex --
more about sex --
269
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4056
on noortega avameelselt seksist rääkida.
13:48
if we normalize those discussions,
270
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2336
Kui sellised jutuajamised
muutuvad tavaliseks,
muutuvad tavaliseks,
13:51
integrating them into everyday life,
271
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2896
millekski, millest võib
igapäevaselt rääkida,
igapäevaselt rääkida,
13:54
talking about those intimate acts
in a different way --
in a different way --
272
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siis muutub ka suhtumine
intiimsetesse vahekordadesse,
intiimsetesse vahekordadesse,
nagu on muutunud see, kuidas naistest
avalikkuses kõneldakse.
avalikkuses kõneldakse.
13:57
the way we mostly have changed
273
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2776
14:00
in the way that we talk
about women in the public realm.
about women in the public realm.
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Mõelge uurimusele, mis viidi
läbi 300 tüdruku hulgas
läbi 300 tüdruku hulgas
14:03
Consider a survey
of 300 randomly chosen girls
of 300 randomly chosen girls
275
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Hollandi ja Ameerika ülikoolides,
14:08
from a Dutch and an American university,
276
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sarnastes ülikoolides,
14:10
two similar universities,
277
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kus nad rääkisid oma
varajastest seksuaalkogemustest.
varajastest seksuaalkogemustest.
14:12
talking about their early
experience of sex.
experience of sex.
278
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2920
Hollandi tüdrukutel oli kõik nii, nagu
tahame, et meilgi oleks.
tahame, et meilgi oleks.
14:16
The Dutch girls embodied everything
we say we want from our girls.
we say we want from our girls.
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14:21
They had fewer negative consequences,
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Neil oli vähem negatiivseid kogemusi,
14:23
like disease, pregnancy, regret --
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vähem haigusi, rasedusi, kahetsemist
ja rohkem positiivseid kogemusi,
14:26
more positive outcomes
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nagu näiteks avatud suhtlemine partneriga,
14:28
like being able to communicate
with their partner,
with their partner,
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14:30
who they said they knew very well;
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keda nad enda sõnul hästi tundsid;
14:32
preparing for the experience responsibly;
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kellega vahekorraks oldi valmis
14:35
enjoying themselves.
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ja kellega koos tunti naudingut.
14:37
What was their secret?
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Milles peitus nende saladus?
14:39
The Dutch girls said
that their doctors, teachers and parents
that their doctors, teachers and parents
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Hollandi tüdrukud ütlesid,
et arstid, õpetajad ja vanemad
et arstid, õpetajad ja vanemad
14:44
talked to them candidly,
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rääkisid nendega avameelselt
14:45
from an early age,
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juba väikesest peale,
14:47
about sex, pleasure
and the importance of mutual trust.
and the importance of mutual trust.
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seksist, naudingust ja sellest,
kui tähtis on vastastikkune usaldus.
kui tähtis on vastastikkune usaldus.
Mis aga veel,
14:53
What's more,
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14:54
while American parents weren't necessarily
less comfortable talking about sex,
less comfortable talking about sex,
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kuigi Ameerika vanemate jaoks ei olnud
seksist rääkimine midagi ebamugavat,
seksist rääkimine midagi ebamugavat,
14:59
we tend to frame those conversations
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kippus meie jutuajamiste toon olevat
15:02
entirely in terms or risk and danger,
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riski ja ohte rõhutav,
samas kui Hollandi vanemad rõhutasid
seda, et vastutus ja nauding
seda, et vastutus ja nauding
15:06
whereas Dutch parents talk
about balancing responsibility and joy.
about balancing responsibility and joy.
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peavad olema tasakaalus.
15:12
I have to tell you,
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Pean tunnistama, et lapsevanemana
15:13
as a parent myself,
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tabas see mind hella kohta,
15:15
that hit me hard,
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15:17
because I know,
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sest ma tean, et kui ma poleks selle
uuringu peale sattunud,
uuringu peale sattunud,
15:19
had I not delved into that research,
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oleksin ilmselt ka ise rääkinud lapsele
rasestumisvastastest vahenditest,
rasestumisvastastest vahenditest,
15:22
I would have talked to my own child
about contraception,
about contraception,
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suguhaiguste vältimisest,
15:26
about disease protection,
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nõusoleku olulisusest,
15:27
about consent because I'm a modern parent,
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sest ma olen ju kaasaegne lapsevanem
15:30
and I would have thought ...
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ja ma oleks mõelnud, et teen õigesti.
15:34
job well done.
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Nüüd aga tean, et sellest ei piisa.
15:36
Now I know that's not enough.
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Ma tean nüüd paremini, mida
meie tüdrukutel oleks vaja.
meie tüdrukutel oleks vaja.
15:39
I also know what I hope for for our girls.
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Ma soovin, et seksuaalsus oleks
nende jaoks enda tundmise allikas,
nende jaoks enda tundmise allikas,
15:43
I want them to see sexuality
as a source of self-knowledge,
as a source of self-knowledge,
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loovuse ja suhtluse võimalus,
15:48
creativity and communication,
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15:50
despite its potential risks.
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hoolimata võimalikest riskidest.
Ma tahan, et nad oskaksid oma
kehast rõõmu tunda,
kehast rõõmu tunda,
15:53
I want them to be able
to revel in their bodies' sensuality
to revel in their bodies' sensuality
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mitte ei oleks taandatud
vaid füüsilisele kestale.
vaid füüsilisele kestale.
15:56
without being reduced to it.
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Ma tahan, et nad oskaksid öelda,
mis neile voodis meeldib,
mis neile voodis meeldib,
15:59
I want them to be able
to ask for what they want in bed,
to ask for what they want in bed,
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ja ka seda saada.
16:02
and to get it.
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Ma tahan, et nad oleksid
kaitstud soovimatu raseduse,
kaitstud soovimatu raseduse,
16:04
I want them to be safe
from unwanted pregnancy,
from unwanted pregnancy,
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haiguste,
16:08
disease,
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julmuse,
16:09
cruelty,
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16:10
dehumanization,
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alanduse
ja vägivalla eest.
16:12
violence.
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Kui neid rünnatakse,
16:14
If they are assaulted,
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siis soovin, et nad saaksid
abi ja toetust koolist,
abi ja toetust koolist,
16:15
I want them to have recourse
from their schools,
from their schools,
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16:19
their employers,
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töökohast,
16:20
the courts.
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kohtust.
Ma tean, et seda on palju tahetud,
16:23
It's a lot to ask,
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aga mitte liiga palju.
16:25
but it's not too much.
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Lapsevanematena, õpetajatena
ja aktivistidena
ja aktivistidena
16:27
As parents, teachers,
advocates and activists,
advocates and activists,
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oleme kasvatanud üles tüdrukute
põlvkonna, kes seisavad enda eest
põlvkonna, kes seisavad enda eest
16:31
we have raised a generation
of girls to have a voice,
of girls to have a voice,
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16:36
to expect egalitarian
treatment in the home,
treatment in the home,
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ja eeldavad võrdset kohtlemist
kodus, koolis ja tööl.
16:40
in the classroom,
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16:41
in the workplace.
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16:43
Now it's time to demand
that intimate justice
that intimate justice
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Käes on aeg nõuda,
et intiimne õiglus kehtiks
et intiimne õiglus kehtiks
ka nende isiklikus elus.
16:48
in their personal lives as well.
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16:51
Thank you.
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Aitäh!
16:53
(Applause)
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(Aplaus)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Peggy Orenstein - Journalist, authorIn her groundbreaking book Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein explores the changing landscape of modern sexual expectations and its troubling impact on adolescents and young women.
Why you should listen
From her pioneering book Schoolgirls to her latest, Girls & Sex, author Peggy Orenstein interviewed young women across the country, mapping the terrain of adolescent female sexuality and gender expectations. Her interviews reveal an uncomfortable truth: although women may display self-confidence in public society, their knowledge of their own sexuality has plummeted, resulting in a “psychological clitoridectomy.”
In addition to her bestselling books, Orenstein writes for New York Times Magazine, comments for NPR and was recognized by the Columbia Journalism Review as among its “40 women who changed the media business in the past 40 years.”
Peggy Orenstein | Speaker | TED.com