TEDWomen 2010
Tony Porter: A call to men
Tony Porter: Poziv muškarcima
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Na događaju TEDWomen, Tony Porter poziva sve muškarce: Nemojte se "ponašati kao muškarac". Pričajući snažne priče iz svog života, on pokazuje kako ovaj mentalitet, usađen u tolike muškarce i dječake, može dovesti do nepoštivanja, maltretiranja i nasilja nad ženama i drugim muškarcima. Njegovo rješenje: oslobodite se "muške kutije".
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up in New York City,
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Odrastao sam u New Yorku,
00:18
between Harlem and the Bronx.
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imeđu Harlema i Bronxa.
00:20
Growing up as a boy, we were taught
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Dok sam rastao, učili su nas
00:22
that men had to be tough, had to be strong,
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da muškarci moraju biti tvrdi, moraju biti jaki,
00:24
had to be courageous, dominating --
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moraju biti hrabri, dominantni --
00:27
no pain, no emotions,
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bez bola, bez emocija,
00:29
with the exception of anger --
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s izuzetkom srdžbe --
00:31
and definitely no fear;
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i definitivno bez straha --
00:33
that men are in charge,
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da su muškarci glavni,
00:35
which means women are not;
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što znači da žene nisu;
00:37
that men lead,
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da muškarci vode,
00:39
and you should just follow and do what we say;
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a vi biste trebale samo slijediti i raditi kako mi kažemo;
00:42
that men are superior; women are inferior;
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da su muškarci superiorni, žene su inferiorne;
00:45
that men are strong; women are weak;
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da su muškarci snažni, žene su slabe;
00:48
that women are of less value,
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da žene vrijede manje --
00:51
property of men,
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vlasništvo su muškaraca --
00:53
and objects,
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one su i objekti,
00:55
particularly sexual objects.
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naročito seksualni objekti.
00:58
I've later come to know that to be
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Kasnije sam doznao da je to
01:01
the collective socialization of men,
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kolektivna muška socijalizacija,
01:04
better known
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poznatija kao
01:06
as the "man box."
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„muška kutija“.
01:08
See this man box has in it
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Vidite, muška kutija u sebi sadrži
01:10
all the ingredients
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sve sastojke
01:12
of how we define what it means to be a man.
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onoga čime definiramo što to znači biti muškarac.
01:14
Now I also want to say, without a doubt,
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Također želim reći, bez dvojbe,
01:16
there are some wonderful, wonderful,
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da postoje i divne, divne,
01:18
absolutely wonderful things
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apsolutno divne stvari
01:20
about being a man.
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kad ste muškarac.
01:22
But at the same time,
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Ali istovremeno,
01:24
there's some stuff
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postoje i one
01:26
that's just straight up twisted,
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koje su naprosto uvrnute.
01:28
and we really need to begin
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I zaista ih moramo početi
01:30
to challenge, look at it
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izazivati, promatrati
01:32
and really get in the process
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i stvarno se upustiti u proces
01:34
of deconstructing, redefining,
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dekonstrukcije, redefiniranja,
01:37
what we come to know as manhood.
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onoga što danas znamo kao muškost.
01:41
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay.
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Ovo su moje dvoje djece, Kendall i Jay.
01:43
They're 11 and 12.
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Imaju 11 i 12 godina.
01:45
Kendall's 15 months older than Jay.
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Kendall je 15 mjeseci stariji od Jaya.
01:47
There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I,
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Postojalo je vrijeme kad smo supruga, zove se Tammie, i ja,
01:50
we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom:
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bili jako zaposleni i fiju, bam, bum:
01:52
Kendall and Jay.
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Kendall i Jay.
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:56
And when they were about five and six,
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Kad su bili oko pet i šest godina,
01:58
four and five,
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četiri i pet,
02:00
Jay could come to me,
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Jay bi mi došla,
02:02
come to me crying.
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prišla mi plačući.
02:04
It didn't matter what she was crying about,
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Nije bilo bitno zbog čega je plakala,
02:06
she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up,
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mogla mi je sjesti na koljena, zabalaviti mi rukav,
02:08
just cry, cry it out.
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i naprosto se isplakati.
02:10
Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
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Tata pazi na tebe. To je sve što je važno.
02:13
Now Kendall on the other hand --
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S druge strane, Kendall --
02:15
and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her --
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i kao što sam rekao, samo je 15 mjeseci stariji od nje --
02:18
he'd come to me crying,
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bi mi došao u suzama,
02:20
it's like as soon as I would hear him cry,
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i istoga trena kad bih ga čuo da plače,
02:22
a clock would go off.
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uključio bi se alarm.
02:24
I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds,
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Dao bih dječaku vjerojatno oko 30 sekundi,
02:27
which means, by the time he got to me,
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što znači da sam, dok bi mi prišao,
02:30
I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying?
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već govorio stvari poput, „Zašto plačeš?
02:32
Hold your head up. Look at me.
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Podigni glavu. Pogledaj me.
02:35
Explain to me what's wrong.
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Objasni mi što nije u redu.
02:37
Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you.
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Reci mi što nije u redu. Ne razumijem te.
02:39
Why are you crying?"
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Zašto plačeš?"
02:41
And out of my own frustration
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I zbog moje vlastite frustracije
02:43
of my role and responsibility
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moje uloge i odgovornosti
02:45
of building him up as a man
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da ga izgradim kao muškarca
02:47
to fit into these guidelines
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da ga uklopim u pravila
02:49
and these structures that are defining this man box,
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i one strukture koje definiraju mušku kutiju,
02:52
I would find myself saying things like,
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zatekao bih se kako govorim stvari poput,
02:54
"Just go in your room.
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"Samo idi u svoju sobu.
02:56
Just go on, go on in your room.
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Samo idi, idi u svoju sobu.
02:58
Sit down,
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Sjedi,
03:00
get yourself together
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priberi se
03:02
and come back and talk to me
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i tad se vrati da pričamo
03:04
when you can talk to me like a --" what?
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kad budeš mogao sa mnom pričati kao --" Što?
03:06
(Audience: Man.)
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(Publika: Muškarac.)
03:08
Like a man.
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"Kao muškarac."
03:10
And he's five years old.
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A on ima pet godina.
03:12
And as I grow in life,
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I, kako se razvijam u životu,
03:14
I would say to myself,
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govorim si,
03:16
"My God, what's wrong with me?
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"Zaboga, što je to sa mnom?
03:18
What am I doing? Why would I do this?"
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Što to radim? Zašto bih to učinio?"
03:21
And I think back.
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I sjećam se.
03:23
I think back to my father.
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Sjećam se svog oca.
03:26
There was a time in my life
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Postojalo je vrijeme u mom životu
03:28
where we had a very troubled experience in our family.
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kad smo u obitelji prolazili teško iskustvo.
03:31
My brother, Henry, he died tragically
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Moj brat Henry je tragično poginuo
03:33
when we were teenagers.
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kad smo bili adolescenti.
03:35
We lived in New York City, as I said.
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Živjeli smo u New Yorku, kao što sam rekao.
03:37
We lived in the Bronx at the time,
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Živjeli smo u to vrijeme u Bronxu.
03:40
and the burial was in a place called Long Island,
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Pogreb se održao na mjestu zvanom Long Island,
03:43
it was about two hours outside of the city.
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na neka dva sata od grada.
03:46
And as we were preparing
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I dok smo se spremali
03:48
to come back from the burial,
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na povratak s pogreba,
03:50
the cars stopped at the bathroom
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automobili su se zaustavili kod toaleta
03:52
to let folks take care of themselves
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da ljubi obave što trebaju
03:54
before the long ride back to the city.
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prije duge vožnje do grada.
03:56
And the limousine empties out.
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Limuzina se ispraznila.
03:58
My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out,
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Moja mati, sestra, tetka, sve su izišle,
04:00
but my father and I stayed in the limousine,
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ali smo otac i ja ostali u limuzini.
04:03
and no sooner than the women got out,
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I tek što su žene izišle,
04:06
he burst out crying.
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on se rasplakao.
04:09
He didn't want cry in front of me,
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Nije želio plakati preda mnom.
04:11
but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city,
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Ali je znao da neće izdržati do grada,
04:14
and it was better me than to allow himself
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pa je bilo bolje preda mnom nego da si dopusti
04:16
to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women.
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pokazati osjećaje i emocije pred ženama.
04:19
And this is a man
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A to je čovjek
04:21
who, 10 minutes ago,
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koji je samo 10 minuta ranije
04:23
had just put his teenage son
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svog mladog sina položio
04:25
in the ground --
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u zemlju --
04:27
something I just can't even imagine.
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nešto što si ja uopće ne mogu zamisliti.
04:32
The thing that sticks with me the most
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Ono što najviše pamtim
04:34
is that he was apologizing to me
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je da mi se ispričavao
04:37
for crying in front of me,
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što plače preda mnom.
04:39
and at the same time, he was also giving me props,
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I u isto vrijeme, pohvaljivao me,
04:42
lifting me up,
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dizao mi moral,
04:44
for not crying.
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zato što ja ne plačem.
04:46
I come to also look at this
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Na ovo također gledam kao na
04:49
as this fear that we have as men,
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strah što ga imamo kao muškarci,
04:51
this fear that just has us paralyzed,
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strah koji nas naprosto paralizira,
04:53
holding us hostage
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i čini nas taocima
04:55
to this man box.
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one muške kutije.
04:57
I can remember speaking
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Sjećam se razgovora
04:59
to a 12-year-old boy, a football player,
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s dvanaestogodišnjakom, igračem nogometa,
05:01
and I asked him, I said,
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i upitao sam ga, rekao,
05:03
"How would you feel if,
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"Kako bi se osjećao da ti,
05:05
in front of all the players,
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pred svim igračima,
05:07
your coach told you you were playing like a girl?"
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trener kaže da igraš poput djevojčice?"
05:10
Now I expected him to say something like,
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Očekivao sam da će odgovoriti nešto poput,
05:12
I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that.
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bio bih tužan, bio bih bijesan, ljutit ili nešto slično.
05:14
No, the boy said to me --
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Ne, dečko mi je rekao --
05:16
the boy said to me,
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dečko mi je rekao,
05:18
"It would destroy me."
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"To bi me uništilo."
05:21
And I said to myself,
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A ja rekoh sebi,
05:24
"God, if it would destroy him
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"Bože, ako bi ga uništilo
05:26
to be called a girl,
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to da ga nazovu djevojčicom,
05:28
what are we then teaching him
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što ga mi to onda učimo
05:31
about girls?"
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o djevojčicama?"
05:34
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
05:38
It took me back to a time
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To me podsjetilo na vrijeme
05:40
when I was about 12 years old.
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kada sam ja imao 12 godina.
05:43
I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city.
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Odrastao sam u zgradi u središtu grada.
05:46
At this time we're living in the Bronx,
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U to doba živjeli smo u Bronxu.
05:48
and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny.
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I u zgradi do moje živio je tip po imenu Johnny.
05:51
He was about 16 years old,
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Imao je oko 16 godina,
05:53
and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys.
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a mi smo svi bili oko 12 – mlađi dečki.
05:55
And he was hanging out with all us younger guys.
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On je visio sa svima nama mlađima.
05:57
And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.
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Taj tip je često upadao u nevolje.
05:59
He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder,
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Bio je od one vrste za koju se roditelji moraju zapitati,
06:01
"What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?"
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"Što taj šesnaestogodišnjak radi sa svim tim dvanaestogodišnjacima?"
06:04
And he did spend a lot of time up to no good.
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A radio je puno loših stvari.
06:06
He was a troubled kid.
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Imao je problema.
06:08
His mother had died from a heroin overdose.
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Majka mu je umrla od predoziranja heroinom.
06:10
He was being raised by his grandmother.
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Odgajala ga je baka.
06:12
His father wasn't on the set.
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Oca nije bilo.
06:14
His grandmother had two jobs.
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Baka je radila dva posla.
06:16
He was home alone a lot.
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Puno je bio sam kod kuće.
06:18
But I've got to tell you, we young guys,
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Ali moram vam reći, nama mlađim dečkima,
06:20
we looked up to this dude, man.
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predstavljao je uzor.
06:22
He was cool. He was fine.
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Bio je cool. Bio je OK.
06:25
That's what the sisters said, "He was fine."
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To su sestre govorile, „On je OK."
06:28
He was having sex.
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Seksao se.
06:30
We all looked up to him.
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Svi smo se ugledali na njega.
06:32
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something --
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Jednog dana, nalazim se ispred kuće i nešto radim --
06:34
just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what.
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samo se zezam, nešto radim – ne znam što.
06:37
He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony."
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On proviri kroz prozor, pozove me gore i kaže, „Hej, Anthony."
06:39
They called me Anthony growing up as a kid.
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Dok sam odrastao, zvali su me Anthony.
06:41
"Hey Anthony, come on upstairs."
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"Hej, Anthony, dođi gore."
06:43
Johnny call, you go.
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Kad Johnny zove, vi idete.
06:45
So I run right upstairs.
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Pa sam se ustrčao na kat.
06:47
As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?"
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Otvorio je vrata i rekao mi, „Hoćeš malo?"
06:50
Now I immediately knew what he meant.
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Odmah sam znao na što misli.
06:52
Because for me growing up at that time,
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Za mene je, u odrastanju,
06:54
and our relationship with this man box,
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a i zbog naše povezanosti s muškom kutijom,
06:56
"Do you want some?" meant one of two things:
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hoćeš li malo moglo značiti jednu od dvije stvari,
06:58
sex or drugs --
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seksa ili droge --
07:00
and we weren't doing drugs.
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a mi nismo konzumirali drogu.
07:02
Now my box, my card,
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No, moja kutija, kartica,
07:04
my man box card,
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kartica muške kutije,
07:06
was immediately in jeopardy.
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smjesta se osjetila ugroženom.
07:08
Two things: One, I never had sex.
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Dvije stvari: Prvo, nikad se nisam seksao.
07:11
We don't talk about that as men.
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O tome mi muškarci ne razgovaramo.
07:13
You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life,
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Kažete samo svom najdražem, najbližem prijatelji, zakletom na tajnost do kraja života,
07:16
the first time you had sex.
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za prvi puta kada ste probali seks.
07:18
For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two.
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Što se svakog drugog tiče, hodamo uokolo kao da se seksamo od svoje druge godine.
07:21
There ain't no first time.
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Nema prvog puta.
07:23
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:26
The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any.
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Druga stvar koju mu nisam mogao reći je ta da i ne želim.
07:28
That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl.
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To je još gore. Od nas se očekuje da smo uvijek u lovu.
07:31
Women are objects,
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Žene su objekti,
07:33
especially sexual objects.
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posebno seksualni objekti.
07:35
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that.
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Bilo kako bilo, ništa od toga mu nisam mogao reći.
07:37
So, like my mother would say, make a long story short,
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Pa sam, kao što bi moja majka rekla, skratio priču.
07:39
I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes."
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Jednostavno sam rekao Johnnyju, „Da.“
07:41
He told me to go in his room.
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Rekao mi je da uđem u njegovu sobu.
07:43
I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila.
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Ulazim u sobu. Na krevetu je djevojka iz susjedstva po imenu Sheila.
07:46
She's 16 years old.
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Ona ima 16 godina.
07:48
She's nude.
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Gola je.
07:50
She's what I know today to be mentally ill,
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Ona je, što danas znam, duševno bolesna,
07:52
higher-functioning at times than others.
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povremeno reagira jače od ostalih.
07:55
We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her.
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Imali smo za nju brojna neprikladna imena.
07:59
Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her.
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No, Johnny je upravo imao snošaj s njom.
08:02
Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her.
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Zapravo, silovao ju je, ali bi on rekao da se seksao s njom.
08:05
Because, while Sheila never said no,
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Jer, premda Sheila nikada nije rekla ne,
08:08
she also never said yes.
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također nikada nije ni rekla da.
08:10
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same.
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Pa mi je on pružao priliku da učinim isto.
08:12
So when I go in the room, I close the door.
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Pa kad sam ušao u sobu, zatvorio sam vrata.
08:15
Folks, I'm petrified.
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Ljudi, skamenio sam se.
08:17
I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room
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Stojim leđima oslonjen na vrata kako Johnny ne bi mogao upasti u sobu
08:19
and see that I'm not doing anything,
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i vidjeti da ništa ne radim.
08:21
and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something.
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I stojim ondje dovoljno dugo da sam zapravo stigao nešto i učiniti.
08:24
So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do;
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Sad više ne pokušavam odrediti što mi je činiti,
08:26
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room.
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Pokušavam shvatiti kako ću izići iz ove sobe.
08:29
So in my 12 years of wisdom,
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I, sa svojih 12 godina iskustva,
08:31
I zip my pants down,
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raskopčavam hlače,
08:33
I walk out into the room,
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izlazim iz sobe.
08:35
and lo and behold to me,
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Na moje iznenađenje,
08:37
while I was in the room with Sheila,
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dok sam bio u sobi sa Sheilom,
08:39
Johnny was back at the window calling guys up.
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Johnny je s prozora pozvao dečke gore.
08:42
So now there's a living room full of guys.
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Pa je sada dnevna soba puna dečkiju.
08:44
It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office.
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Izgledalo je poput liječničke čekaonice.
08:47
And they asked me how was it,
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I pitaju me kako je bilo.
08:49
and I say to them, "It was good,"
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A ja im kažem, „Dobro."
08:52
and I zip my pants up in front of them,
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I zakopčavam hlače pred njima,
08:54
and I head for the door.
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i idem k vratima.
08:56
Now I say this all with remorse,
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Pričam sve ovo s kajanjem,
08:58
and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time,
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i osjećao sam strahovito kajanje i u ono vrijeme,
09:00
but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited,
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ali sam bio u sukobu sa sobom, jer, uz kajanje, bio sam i oduševljen,
09:03
because I didn't get caught.
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jer me nisu uhvatili,
09:05
But I knew I felt bad about what was happening.
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ali znam da sam se osjećao loše zbog tog što se dogodilo.
09:07
This fear, getting outside the man box,
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Taj strah da napustite mušku kutiju
09:10
totally enveloped me.
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potpuno me zarobio.
09:12
It was way more important to me,
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Bio mi je puno važniji,
09:14
about me and my man box card
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usredotočenost na sebe i moju mušku kutiju,
09:17
than about Sheila
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nego Sheila
09:19
and what was happening to her.
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i ono što se događalo njoj.
09:21
See collectively, we as men
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Vidite, kolektivno, mi smo kao muškarci
09:23
are taught to have less value in women,
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naučeni da u ženama vidimo manju vrijednost,
09:25
to view them as property and the objects of men.
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da ih vidimo kao vlasništvo i objekte muškaraca.
09:28
We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.
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To vidimo kao jednadžbu koja je jednaka nasilju nad ženama.
09:31
We as men, good men,
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Mi kao muškarci, dobri muškarci,
09:33
the large majority of men,
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velika većina muškaraca,
09:35
we operate on the foundation
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funkcioniramo na temeljima
09:37
of this whole collective socialization.
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čitave te kolektivne socijalizacije.
09:39
We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it.
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Mi sebe vidimo kao nešto zasebno, ali smo uvelike dio toga.
09:42
You see, we have to come to understand
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Vidite, moramo spoznati
09:45
that less value, property and objectification is the foundation
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da su manja vrijednost, vlasništvo i objektivizacija temelji
09:48
and the violence can't happen without it.
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i da se bez njih nasilje ne može dogoditi.
09:50
So we're very much a part of the solution
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Tako smo u velikoj mjeri dio rješenja
09:53
as well as the problem.
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kao što smo i dio problema.
09:55
The center for disease control says
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Centar za kontrolu bolesti kaže
09:57
that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions,
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da je nasilje muškaraca nad ženama poprimilo epidemijske razmjere,
10:00
is the number one health concern for women
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i predstavlja zdravstveni problem žena broj jedan
10:02
in this country and abroad.
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u ovoj zemlji i u inozemstvu.
10:04
So quickly, I'd like to just say,
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Pa bih, kratko, želio samo reći,
10:07
this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay.
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ovo je ljubav moga života, moja kćerka Jay.
10:10
The world I envision for her --
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U svijetu koji ja zamišljam za nju,
10:12
how do I want men to be acting and behaving?
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kako želim da muškarci postupaju i ponašaju se?
10:14
I need you on board. I need you with me.
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Trebam vas u tome. Trebam vas sa mnom.
10:16
I need you working with me and me working with you
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Trebam da surađujete sa mnom i da ja surađujem s vama
10:19
on how we raise our sons
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u pogledu toga kako odgajamo sinove
10:21
and teach them to be men --
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i učimo ih muškosti --
10:23
that it's okay to not be dominating,
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da je u redu ako ne dominirate,
10:25
that it's okay to have feelings and emotions,
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da je u redu imati osjećaje i emocije,
10:28
that it's okay to promote equality,
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da je u redu zagovarati jednakost,
10:30
that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it,
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da je u redu biti samo prijatelj sa ženama i ništa više,
10:33
that it's okay to be whole,
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da je u redu biti cjelovit,
10:35
that my liberation as a man
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da je moja muška sloboda
10:38
is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
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vezana za vašu žensku slobodu.
10:41
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy,
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Sjećam se da sam pitao jednog devetogodišnjaka.
10:44
I asked a nine-year-old boy,
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Pitao sam devetogodišnjaka,
10:47
"What would life be like for you,
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"Kakav bi život vodio,
10:49
if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?"
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da se ne moraš pridržavati pravila muške kutije?"
10:51
He said to me, "I would be free."
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Rekao mi je, „Bio bih slobodan."
10:53
Thank you folks.
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Hvala vam, ljudi.
10:55
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activistTony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.
Why you should listen
Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”
Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.
He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.
He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com