TEDWomen 2010
Tony Porter: A call to men
托尼·波特Tony Porter:致男人的宣言
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在TED女人（TEDWomen）大会上，托尼·波特向来自任何地方的男人发表宣言：不要“大男子作风”。他以实际生活中那些有感染力的事，表明男人和男孩被灌输这种大男子心态，这会导致他们不尊重，虐待和性虐待女性，彼此互相伤害。他的办法是让男性从男人的束缚体中解放出来。
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up in New York City,
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我在纽约市长大，
00:18
between Harlem and the Bronx.
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介于哈莱姆区和布朗克斯区之间。
00:20
Growing up as a boy, we were taught
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从小男孩起，我们学到
00:22
that men had to be tough, had to be strong,
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男人应该意志坚强，身体强壮，
00:24
had to be courageous, dominating --
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有勇气，有支配权--
00:27
no pain, no emotions,
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没有痛苦，没有感情，
00:29
with the exception of anger --
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除了愤怒之外--
00:31
and definitely no fear;
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男人什么都不怕--
00:33
that men are in charge,
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男人全权负责，主管一切，
00:35
which means women are not;
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而女人不是；
00:37
that men lead,
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男人是领导，
00:39
and you should just follow and do what we say;
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女人应该只是跟随和做男性吩咐的事；
00:42
that men are superior; women are inferior;
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男人带有优越性，女人是低人一等；
00:45
that men are strong; women are weak;
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男人是强大的，女人弱小；
00:48
that women are of less value,
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女人价值比较小--
00:51
property of men,
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仅是男人的财富
00:53
and objects,
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和物品，
00:55
particularly sexual objects.
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特别是性猎物。
00:58
I've later come to know that to be
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我后来了解到
01:01
the collective socialization of men,
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这如上都是男人的集体社会化属性，
01:04
better known
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更好地称为
01:06
as the "man box."
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“男人束缚体”。
01:08
See this man box has in it
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看看这“男人束缚体”
01:10
all the ingredients
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所有的成分
01:12
of how we define what it means to be a man.
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这就是我们怎样定义一个男人的。
01:14
Now I also want to say, without a doubt,
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此时我想说，毫无疑问，
01:16
there are some wonderful, wonderful,
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男人身上也有很多美好的，不可思议的，
01:18
absolutely wonderful things
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绝对棒的
01:20
about being a man.
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品质。
01:22
But at the same time,
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但同时，
01:24
there's some stuff
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有些东西
01:26
that's just straight up twisted,
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完全是扭曲了
01:28
and we really need to begin
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我们真的需要开始
01:30
to challenge, look at it
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挑战，看看这些男性的特征
01:32
and really get in the process
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我们要进行
01:34
of deconstructing, redefining,
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解构，重新定义，
01:37
what we come to know as manhood.
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我们重新认识什么才是男人气概。
01:41
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay.
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这是我家的两个孩子，肯德尔和杰伊。
01:43
They're 11 and 12.
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他们现在是11岁和12岁。
01:45
Kendall's 15 months older than Jay.
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肯德尔比杰伊大15个月。
01:47
There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I,
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有那么一段时期，我妻子塔蜜和我，
01:50
we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom:
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我们实在是忙得不可开交，用来照顾
01:52
Kendall and Jay.
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肯德尔和杰伊。
01:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:56
And when they were about five and six,
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当他们大约五岁和六岁，
01:58
four and five,
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或者四岁和五岁时，
02:00
Jay could come to me,
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杰伊可以来向我
02:02
come to me crying.
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哭哭啼啼。
02:04
It didn't matter what she was crying about,
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当她哭泣，这没什么问题，
02:06
she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up,
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她可以坐在我膝上，她的鼻涕流到我的袖子上，
02:08
just cry, cry it out.
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尽管哭，哭出来。
02:10
Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
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有爸爸在你身边爱护你是很重要的。
02:13
Now Kendall on the other hand --
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但换成是肯德尔--
02:15
and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her --
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我说过，他比杰伊仅大15个月--
02:18
he'd come to me crying,
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他向我哭泣，
02:20
it's like as soon as I would hear him cry,
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只要我听到他哭，
02:22
a clock would go off.
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我的心理闹钟就上了发条
02:24
I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds,
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我会给肯德尔约30秒时间，
02:27
which means, by the time he got to me,
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意味着，此时他得面对我，
02:30
I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying?
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我会说这样的话，“你为什么哭？
02:32
Hold your head up. Look at me.
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抬起你的头，看着我。
02:35
Explain to me what's wrong.
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说说你做错什么了。
02:37
Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you.
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告诉我你做错什么了。我实在不懂你。
02:39
Why are you crying?"
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你哭什么？”
02:41
And out of my own frustration
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我对没有
02:43
of my role and responsibility
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尽到自己的责任担当起
02:45
of building him up as a man
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把他培养成男人的角色而感动沮丧
02:47
to fit into these guidelines
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我还要适应这些原则
02:49
and these structures that are defining this man box,
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和这些男人束缚体的条条框框，
02:52
I would find myself saying things like,
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我觉得我会说出以下的话，
02:54
"Just go in your room.
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“回到你房间去。
02:56
Just go on, go on in your room.
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快回到你房间，
02:58
Sit down,
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坐下来，
03:00
get yourself together
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控制住你自己
03:02
and come back and talk to me
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然后回来和我谈话，
03:04
when you can talk to me like a --" what?
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你要像个什么一样的人？”
03:06
(Audience: Man.)
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（观众：男人。）
03:08
Like a man.
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“像个男人一样才能和我谈”。
03:10
And he's five years old.
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肯德尔才5岁。
03:12
And as I grow in life,
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正如我在生活中的成长，
03:14
I would say to myself,
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我会对自己说，
03:16
"My God, what's wrong with me?
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“我的上帝，我怎么了？
03:18
What am I doing? Why would I do this?"
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我到底做了什么？我怎么这样做？”
03:21
And I think back.
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我回头想想。
03:23
I think back to my father.
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我想到我的父亲。
03:26
There was a time in my life
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我一生曾有
03:28
where we had a very troubled experience in our family.
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一段我们家族最难回首的往事。
03:31
My brother, Henry, he died tragically
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我兄弟，亨利，他不幸去世，
03:33
when we were teenagers.
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当我们年少时。
03:35
We lived in New York City, as I said.
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我们生活在纽约市，我说过。
03:37
We lived in the Bronx at the time,
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那时我们住在布朗克斯区。
03:40
and the burial was in a place called Long Island,
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葬礼在长岛举行，
03:43
it was about two hours outside of the city.
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它在纽约市外有两个小时路程。
03:46
And as we were preparing
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我们正要
03:48
to come back from the burial,
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从这葬礼返还回去，
03:50
the cars stopped at the bathroom
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汽车在洗手间停下来，
03:52
to let folks take care of themselves
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让人们去解手，
03:54
before the long ride back to the city.
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然后开始一段长途行程回去。
03:56
And the limousine empties out.
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大轿车上空无一人。
03:58
My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out,
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我母亲，我姐妹，我姑姑，他们都下了车，
04:00
but my father and I stayed in the limousine,
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只有我父亲和我留在大轿车上。
04:03
and no sooner than the women got out,
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女人们刚下车，
04:06
he burst out crying.
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我父亲就突然大哭。
04:09
He didn't want cry in front of me,
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他不想在我面前哭。
04:11
but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city,
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但他实在是忍不住了，
04:14
and it was better me than to allow himself
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最好还是在我面前
04:16
to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women.
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而不是在女性面前去表达这些感情。
04:19
And this is a man
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我父亲，做为男人，
04:21
who, 10 minutes ago,
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10分钟前，
04:23
had just put his teenage son
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刚刚下葬了他的孩子
04:25
in the ground --
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入土--
04:27
something I just can't even imagine.
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我真不敢想象当时发生的事。
04:32
The thing that sticks with me the most
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最让我触动的事
04:34
is that he was apologizing to me
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是他向我道歉
04:37
for crying in front of me,
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在我面前的哭泣。
04:39
and at the same time, he was also giving me props,
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同时，他也安慰我，
04:42
lifting me up,
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让我振作起来，
04:44
for not crying.
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不要哭。
04:46
I come to also look at this
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我回头看时才意识到
04:49
as this fear that we have as men,
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我们做为男人的这种畏惧，
04:51
this fear that just has us paralyzed,
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让我们麻木的这种恐惧情绪，
04:53
holding us hostage
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使得我们成为
04:55
to this man box.
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这个男人束缚体的人质。
04:57
I can remember speaking
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我记得
04:59
to a 12-year-old boy, a football player,
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与一个玩橄榄球的12岁男孩的交谈，
05:01
and I asked him, I said,
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我问到：
05:03
"How would you feel if,
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“你感觉怎样，假如
05:05
in front of all the players,
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在所有队员前，
05:07
your coach told you you were playing like a girl?"
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你教练说你玩起球来像个女孩？”
05:10
Now I expected him to say something like,
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当时我期望他会说出类似的话，
05:12
I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that.
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我会悲伤，我要疯了，我很生气，等等。
05:14
No, the boy said to me --
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不，男孩对我
05:16
the boy said to me,
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说到：
05:18
"It would destroy me."
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“这会毁了我。”
05:21
And I said to myself,
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我又对自己说：
05:24
"God, if it would destroy him
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“上帝啊，如果这句话会毁了一个男孩
05:26
to be called a girl,
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当他被嘲笑为像个女孩时，
05:28
what are we then teaching him
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那么关于女孩的事，我们会教给
05:31
about girls?"
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他点什么呢？”
05:34
(Applause)
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（掌声）
05:38
It took me back to a time
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回首往事，
05:40
when I was about 12 years old.
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当我约12岁时，
05:43
I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city.
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我在城内的贫民区长大。
05:46
At this time we're living in the Bronx,
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那时我们住在布朗克斯区。
05:48
and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny.
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在我住的那个街区，有个叫约翰的年轻人。
05:51
He was about 16 years old,
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他约16岁，
05:53
and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys.
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我们都是约12岁的男孩。
05:55
And he was hanging out with all us younger guys.
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他和我们男孩混在一起。
05:57
And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.
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这个人品行不端。
05:59
He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder,
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他是个让父母都诧异的那种孩子，
06:01
"What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?"
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“为什么16岁青年也和一群12岁孩子鬼混在一起？”
06:04
And he did spend a lot of time up to no good.
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他做了很多坏事。
06:06
He was a troubled kid.
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他也是个制造麻烦的青年。
06:08
His mother had died from a heroin overdose.
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他母亲死于吸毒过量。
06:10
He was being raised by his grandmother.
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然后他被奶奶养大。
06:12
His father wasn't on the set.
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他父亲管不住他。
06:14
His grandmother had two jobs.
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他奶奶有两个工作。
06:16
He was home alone a lot.
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他经常独自一人在家。
06:18
But I've got to tell you, we young guys,
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但我要告诉你，在我们年轻人眼里，
06:20
we looked up to this dude, man.
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我们看得起这个家伙。
06:22
He was cool. He was fine.
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他很酷也很牛。
06:25
That's what the sisters said, "He was fine."
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姑娘们都说：“他很牛。”
06:28
He was having sex.
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他有过性行为。
06:30
We all looked up to him.
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我们都看得起他。
06:32
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something --
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有一天，我在屋前做一些事情--
06:34
just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what.
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只是玩耍，做些游戏 - 我记不清了。
06:37
He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony."
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他从窗口看到我，他叫我上楼，“嗨，安东尼”。
06:39
They called me Anthony growing up as a kid.
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我孩童时，他们都叫我安东尼。
06:41
"Hey Anthony, come on upstairs."
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“嗨，安东尼，上楼来”。
06:43
Johnny call, you go.
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约翰吩咐的，我就去了。
06:45
So I run right upstairs.
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我就直接跑到楼上。
06:47
As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?"
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当门打开，他对我说：“你想要点什么吗？”
06:50
Now I immediately knew what he meant.
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我当时立马知道他的意图。
06:52
Because for me growing up at that time,
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因为在那时我的出身背景，
06:54
and our relationship with this man box,
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和我们自身的男人束缚体的关系，
06:56
"Do you want some?" meant one of two things:
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“你想要点什么吗”就是指两种事，
06:58
sex or drugs --
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性或者毒品--
07:00
and we weren't doing drugs.
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我们不吸毒。
07:02
Now my box, my card,
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当时我自身的，
07:04
my man box card,
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这种男人束缚体的表现
07:06
was immediately in jeopardy.
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立即使我处于危险的境地中。
07:08
Two things: One, I never had sex.
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两件事：一，我从来没有做过爱。
07:11
We don't talk about that as men.
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做个男性，我们从来不会谈这些事。
07:13
You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life,
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你只会和你最亲爱的，最要好的朋友发誓要保守这秘密，
07:16
the first time you had sex.
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才谈起你的第一次性体验。
07:18
For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two.
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二，对于其他人来说，只要是两个人在一起，这就好比他们到哪儿都在做爱。
07:21
There ain't no first time.
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这也不是什么新鲜事。
07:23
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:26
The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any.
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我没有告诉他的事是我啥都不想要。
07:28
That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl.
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那会更糟糕。我们总是处于徘徊中。
07:31
Women are objects,
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女人是对象，
07:33
especially sexual objects.
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特别是性猎物。
07:35
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that.
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至少，我没有告诉他实情。
07:37
So, like my mother would say, make a long story short,
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所以，就像我妈常说，长话短说。
07:39
I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes."
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我就告诉约翰“好的”。
07:41
He told me to go in his room.
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他就叫我去他屋。
07:43
I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila.
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我进了他屋。在床上，有个邻居女孩，谢拉。
07:46
She's 16 years old.
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她16岁，
07:48
She's nude.
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全裸。
07:50
She's what I know today to be mentally ill,
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我如今才知道她有精神病，
07:52
higher-functioning at times than others.
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比起其它人，她有时不正常。
07:55
We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her.
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我们有数也数不清的外号用来嘲笑她。
07:59
Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her.
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尽管如此，约翰已经和她做过爱。
08:02
Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her.
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确切地说，他强奸了她，但他会说他与她在做爱。
08:05
Because, while Sheila never said no,
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因为，谢拉从不会说不，
08:08
she also never said yes.
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也不会说是。
08:10
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same.
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所以他让我也好有机会做同样的事。
08:12
So when I go in the room, I close the door.
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当我走进屋，我关上门。
08:15
Folks, I'm petrified.
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观众们，当时我惊呆了。
08:17
I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room
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我后背靠着门站着以防约翰闯进屋，
08:19
and see that I'm not doing anything,
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看见我到底在做什么。
08:21
and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something.
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我站了很久，我本可以和谢拉做爱。
08:24
So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do;
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但当时我的确搞不清楚我要做什么，
08:26
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room.
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我试图想从这间屋出去。
08:29
So in my 12 years of wisdom,
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12岁的我很机灵，
08:31
I zip my pants down,
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我把裤裆拉下来，
08:33
I walk out into the room,
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然后我走出屋。
08:35
and lo and behold to me,
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瞧瞧我，
08:37
while I was in the room with Sheila,
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我刚和谢拉在一起，
08:39
Johnny was back at the window calling guys up.
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约翰在窗口招呼年轻人都上来。
08:42
So now there's a living room full of guys.
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在客厅围满了人，
08:44
It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office.
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就好像是在医生诊所的候诊室里一样。
08:47
And they asked me how was it,
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他们问我感受如何？
08:49
and I say to them, "It was good,"
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我说：“棒极了”。
08:52
and I zip my pants up in front of them,
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然后我在他们面前把裤拉链拉上，
08:54
and I head for the door.
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朝门口走去。
08:56
Now I say this all with remorse,
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现在我想说这件事让我追悔莫及，
08:58
and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time,
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当时我后悔地要死，
09:00
but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited,
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但是我又矛盾，因为尽管我后悔，但我还是很兴奋，
09:03
because I didn't get caught.
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因为我没被露馅，
09:05
But I knew I felt bad about what was happening.
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但我知道发生这种事太糟糕了。
09:07
This fear, getting outside the man box,
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这种想要从男人束缚体中解脱出来的恐惧感
09:10
totally enveloped me.
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始终困扰着我。
09:12
It was way more important to me,
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我对我自身
09:14
about me and my man box card
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这种男人束缚体的认识
09:17
than about Sheila
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比起发生在谢拉身上
09:19
and what was happening to her.
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的经历，对我来说它是更重要的。
09:21
See collectively, we as men
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具体看来，我们做为男人
09:23
are taught to have less value in women,
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被灌输女人价值较小，
09:25
to view them as property and the objects of men.
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视她们为男人的财富和性猎物的象征。
09:28
We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.
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我们把它看作一个等式，并且对女人实施暴力，动粗。
09:31
We as men, good men,
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我们做为男人，好男人，
09:33
the large majority of men,
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男人中的多数，
09:35
we operate on the foundation
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我们在架构
09:37
of this whole collective socialization.
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整个集体社会的建立。
09:39
We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it.
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我们自视我们彼此是分开的，但我们也是那其中的一体。
09:42
You see, we have to come to understand
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我们要理解
09:45
that less value, property and objectification is the foundation
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价值较小，象征财富和性猎物的女人也是社会中的一体，
09:48
and the violence can't happen without it.
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并且停止暴力也离不开这种认同感。
09:50
So we're very much a part of the solution
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所以我们是这解决方案的一部分
09:53
as well as the problem.
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就像这问题一样。
09:55
The center for disease control says
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疾病预防控制中心说，
09:57
that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions,
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从流行病的程度看，男人对女人的暴力
10:00
is the number one health concern for women
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是一件关注女人健康的头等事
10:02
in this country and abroad.
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无论在国内或是国外。
10:04
So quickly, I'd like to just say,
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简言之，我想说，
10:07
this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay.
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我女儿杰伊是我生命中的全部爱。
10:10
The world I envision for her --
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我为她而设想的世界，
10:12
how do I want men to be acting and behaving?
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我想要男人怎样去做和做个好男人呢？
10:14
I need you on board. I need you with me.
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我需要男人们和我在一起，协同一致。
10:16
I need you working with me and me working with you
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我需要男人们和我一同努力
10:19
on how we raise our sons
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抚养我们的儿子
10:21
and teach them to be men --
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教育他们成为一个男人--
10:23
that it's okay to not be dominating,
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男人不必像大男子一样主宰一切，
10:25
that it's okay to have feelings and emotions,
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男人要有感情和感性化，
10:28
that it's okay to promote equality,
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男人要促进男女平等，
10:30
that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it,
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男人视女人为朋友，就这么简单，而不是性猎物，
10:33
that it's okay to be whole,
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男人和女人同为一体，
10:35
that my liberation as a man
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我做为男人的自由
10:38
is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
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也赋予了你们做为女人的自由。
10:41
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy,
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我记得问过一个九岁男孩。
10:44
I asked a nine-year-old boy,
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我问他，
10:47
"What would life be like for you,
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“假如你从这个男性束缚中解脱出来，
10:49
if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?"
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生命对你意味着什么？”
10:51
He said to me, "I would be free."
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他说：“我将会自由”。
10:53
Thank you folks.
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谢谢大家。
10:55
(Applause)
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（掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activistTony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.
Why you should listen
Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”
Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.
He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.
He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com