TEDWomen 2010
Tony Porter: A call to men
Tony Porter: Um chamado dos homens.
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No TEDWomen, Tony Porter faz um pedido aos homens: Não "aja como um homen." Contando histórias poderosas de sua própria vida, ele mostra como essa mentalidade, ensinada a muitos homens e garotos, pode levar ao desrespeito e abuso contra mulheres e contra uns aos outros. Sua solução: Se libertar da "caixa de macho."
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up in New York City,
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Eu cresci em Nova Iorque,
00:18
between Harlem and the Bronx.
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entre Harlem e o Bronx.
00:20
Growing up as a boy, we were taught
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Como meninos, nos ensinavam
00:22
that men had to be tough, had to be strong,
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que homens precisam ser valentes, fortes,
00:24
had to be courageous, dominating --
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precisam ser corajosos, dominantes.
00:27
no pain, no emotions,
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Sem dor, sem emoções,
00:29
with the exception of anger --
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com exceção da raiva,
00:31
and definitely no fear;
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e definitivamente sem medo.
00:33
that men are in charge,
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Que os homens estão no comando,
00:35
which means women are not;
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e isso significa que as mulheres não.
00:37
that men lead,
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Que os homens lideram,
00:39
and you should just follow and do what we say;
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e você deve fazer o que eles falam.
00:42
that men are superior; women are inferior;
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Que homens são superiores, mulheres inferiores.
00:45
that men are strong; women are weak;
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Que homens são fortes, mulheres são fracas.
00:48
that women are of less value,
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Que mulheres têm menos valor,
00:51
property of men,
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são propriedades dos homens,
00:53
and objects,
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são objetos,
00:55
particularly sexual objects.
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particularmente objetos sexuais.
00:58
I've later come to know that to be
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Mais tarde descobri que essa era
01:01
the collective socialization of men,
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a socialização coletiva dos homens,
01:04
better known
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mais conhecida
01:06
as the "man box."
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como a "caixa de macho."
01:08
See this man box has in it
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A caixa de macho
01:10
all the ingredients
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tem todos os ingredientes
01:12
of how we define what it means to be a man.
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que definem o que significa ser um homem.
01:14
Now I also want to say, without a doubt,
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Antes quero dizer, sem dúvida alguma,
01:16
there are some wonderful, wonderful,
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que há coisas maravilhosas,
01:18
absolutely wonderful things
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muito boas mesmo,
01:20
about being a man.
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em ser homem.
01:22
But at the same time,
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Mas ao mesmo tempo
01:24
there's some stuff
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existem algumas coisas
01:26
that's just straight up twisted,
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que estão erradas.
01:28
and we really need to begin
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E precisamos começar
01:30
to challenge, look at it
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a questionar, olhar para ela
01:32
and really get in the process
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e entender o processo
01:34
of deconstructing, redefining,
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de desconstrução, redefinição,
01:37
what we come to know as manhood.
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do que conhecemos como masculinidade.
01:41
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay.
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Estes são meus dois filhos, Kendall e Jay.
01:43
They're 11 and 12.
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Eles têm 11 e 12 anos.
01:45
Kendall's 15 months older than Jay.
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Kendall é um ano e três meses mais velho.
01:47
There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I,
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Houve um período que minha esposa, Tammie, e eu
01:50
we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom:
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ficamos muito ocupados e "coisa e tal":
01:52
Kendall and Jay.
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Kendall e Jay.
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
01:56
And when they were about five and six,
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Quando eles tinham uns cinco e seis anos,
01:58
four and five,
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quatro e cinco,
02:00
Jay could come to me,
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Jay vinha até mim,
02:02
come to me crying.
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vinha chorando.
02:04
It didn't matter what she was crying about,
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Não importava o porquê ela chorava,
02:06
she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up,
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ela podia sentar no meu colo, assoar o nariz na minha manga,
02:08
just cry, cry it out.
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só chorava, colocava para fora.
02:10
Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
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Papai está aqui. Isso é tudo o que importa.
02:13
Now Kendall on the other hand --
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Mas Kendall, por outro lado --
02:15
and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her --
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e como disse, ele é só um ano mais velho que ela --
02:18
he'd come to me crying,
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ele vinha chorando,
02:20
it's like as soon as I would hear him cry,
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e no momento que eu o ouvia chorar
02:22
a clock would go off.
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o cronômetro ligava.
02:24
I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds,
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Dava ao garoto cerca de 30 segundos,
02:27
which means, by the time he got to me,
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o que significava que quando ele chegava
02:30
I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying?
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eu já estava dizendo, "Por que está chorando?"
02:32
Hold your head up. Look at me.
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Levante a cabeça. Olhe para mim.
02:35
Explain to me what's wrong.
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Fale o que está errado.
02:37
Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you.
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Fale o que está errado. Não consigo entender.
02:39
Why are you crying?"
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Por que está chorando?"
02:41
And out of my own frustration
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E com minhas próprias frustrações
02:43
of my role and responsibility
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no meu papel e responsabilidade
02:45
of building him up as a man
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de educá-lo como um homem
02:47
to fit into these guidelines
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para se adequar
02:49
and these structures that are defining this man box,
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às estruturas definidas na caixa de macho,
02:52
I would find myself saying things like,
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eu me pegava dizendo coisas como,
02:54
"Just go in your room.
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"Vá para seu quarto.
02:56
Just go on, go on in your room.
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Vá direto para o seu quarto,
02:58
Sit down,
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Sente-se lá,
03:00
get yourself together
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engula esse choro
03:02
and come back and talk to me
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e venha falar comigo
03:04
when you can talk to me like a --" what?
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quando conseguir falar como um --" O quê?
03:06
(Audience: Man.)
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(Plateia: Homem.)
03:08
Like a man.
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"como um homem."
03:10
And he's five years old.
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E ele estava com cinco anos.
03:12
And as I grow in life,
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Enquanto o tempo passava
03:14
I would say to myself,
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eu dizia para mim mesmo,
03:16
"My God, what's wrong with me?
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"Meu Deus, o que está errado comigo?"
03:18
What am I doing? Why would I do this?"
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O que estou fazendo?
03:21
And I think back.
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E eu me lembrava.
03:23
I think back to my father.
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Lembrava de meu pai.
03:26
There was a time in my life
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Houve um tempo em minha vida
03:28
where we had a very troubled experience in our family.
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quando houve uma experiência horrível em nossa família.
03:31
My brother, Henry, he died tragically
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Meu irmão, Henry, morreu tragicamente
03:33
when we were teenagers.
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quando nós éramos adolescentes.
03:35
We lived in New York City, as I said.
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Vivíamos em Nova Iorque.
03:37
We lived in the Bronx at the time,
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Morávamos no Bronx na época.
03:40
and the burial was in a place called Long Island,
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O enterro foi em um lugar chamado Long Island,
03:43
it was about two hours outside of the city.
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era duas horas de viagem.
03:46
And as we were preparing
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Enquanto estávamos nos preparando
03:48
to come back from the burial,
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para voltar do enterro,
03:50
the cars stopped at the bathroom
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o carro parou em um banheiro
03:52
to let folks take care of themselves
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para as pessoas que precisavam ir
03:54
before the long ride back to the city.
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antes da longa viagem de volta.
03:56
And the limousine empties out.
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A limusine se esvaziou.
03:58
My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out,
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Minha mãe, minha irmã e minha tia, todas saíram,
04:00
but my father and I stayed in the limousine,
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mas meu pai e eu ficamos na limusine.
04:03
and no sooner than the women got out,
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E assim que as mulheres sairam
04:06
he burst out crying.
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ele caiu no choro.
04:09
He didn't want cry in front of me,
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Ele não queria chorar na minha frente.
04:11
but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city,
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Mas sabia que não ia conseguir aguentar até a cidade,
04:14
and it was better me than to allow himself
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e era melhor na minha frente
04:16
to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women.
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a expressar suas emoções na frente das mulheres.
04:19
And this is a man
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E esse é um homem que,
04:21
who, 10 minutes ago,
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dez minutos antes,
04:23
had just put his teenage son
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tinha acabado de enterrar
04:25
in the ground --
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seu filho.
04:27
something I just can't even imagine.
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Algo que eu não consigo imaginar.
04:32
The thing that sticks with me the most
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A lembrança que mais marcou
04:34
is that he was apologizing to me
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é dele se desculpando para mim
04:37
for crying in front of me,
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por ter chorado na minha frente.
04:39
and at the same time, he was also giving me props,
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E ao mesmo tempo me dava elogios,
04:42
lifting me up,
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me colocava para cima,
04:44
for not crying.
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por não estar chorando.
04:46
I come to also look at this
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Cheguei a ver isto,
04:49
as this fear that we have as men,
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este medo que nós homens temos,
04:51
this fear that just has us paralyzed,
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este medo que nos deixa paralisados,
04:53
holding us hostage
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nos prendendo
04:55
to this man box.
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a esta caixa de macho.
04:57
I can remember speaking
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Lembro de ter falado
04:59
to a 12-year-old boy, a football player,
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com um jogador de futebol de 12 anos
05:01
and I asked him, I said,
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e eu perguntei a ele,
05:03
"How would you feel if,
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"Como se sentiria se,
05:05
in front of all the players,
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em frente aos outros,
05:07
your coach told you you were playing like a girl?"
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seu técnico falasse que joga como uma garota?"
05:10
Now I expected him to say something like,
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Esperava que ele falasse algo como,
05:12
I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that.
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"ficaria triste, bravo, com raiva," ou algo assim.
05:14
No, the boy said to me --
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Não. Ele disse,
05:16
the boy said to me,
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o garoto disse para mim,
05:18
"It would destroy me."
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"Iria me destruir."
05:21
And I said to myself,
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E eu disse a mim mesmo,
05:24
"God, if it would destroy him
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"Deus, se iria destruí-lo
05:26
to be called a girl,
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ser chamado de uma garota,
05:28
what are we then teaching him
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o que estamos ensinando a ele
05:31
about girls?"
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em relação as garotas?"
05:34
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
05:38
It took me back to a time
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Isso me levou de volta
05:40
when I was about 12 years old.
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para quando eu tinha 12 anos.
05:43
I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city.
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Cresci em um cortiço no centro da cidade.
05:46
At this time we're living in the Bronx,
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Na época morávamos no Bronx.
05:48
and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny.
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No prédio vizinho ao nosso tinha um cara chamado Johnny.
05:51
He was about 16 years old,
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Ele tinha uns 16 anos.
05:53
and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys.
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E nós tínhamos uns 12 -- crianças.
05:55
And he was hanging out with all us younger guys.
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Ele andava com as crianças.
05:57
And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.
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Este cara, não era dos melhores.
05:59
He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder,
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Era o tipo de garoto que os pais se preocupavam,
06:01
"What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?"
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"O que este garoto de 16 está fazendo com os de 12 anos?"
06:04
And he did spend a lot of time up to no good.
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E ele ficava muito tempo fazendo coisas ruins.
06:06
He was a troubled kid.
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Era um garoto problemático.
06:08
His mother had died from a heroin overdose.
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A mãe dele morreu de overdose.
06:10
He was being raised by his grandmother.
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Ele foi criado pela avó.
06:12
His father wasn't on the set.
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O pai não estava presente.
06:14
His grandmother had two jobs.
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A avó dele tinha dois empregos.
06:16
He was home alone a lot.
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Ele ficava bastante sozinho.
06:18
But I've got to tell you, we young guys,
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Mas vou dizer. Nós garotos,
06:20
we looked up to this dude, man.
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admirávamos ele.
06:22
He was cool. He was fine.
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Ele era legal. Estava de boa.
06:25
That's what the sisters said, "He was fine."
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Era o que as irmãs diziam, "Ele está de boa."
06:28
He was having sex.
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Ele fazia sexo.
06:30
We all looked up to him.
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Todos nós o admirávamos.
06:32
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something --
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Um dia, eu estava na calçada fazendo qualquer coisa --
06:34
just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what.
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brincando, fazendo algo -- não sei o quê.
06:37
He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony."
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Ele olhou pela janela, me chamou e disse, "Anthony."
06:39
They called me Anthony growing up as a kid.
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Chamavam-me de Anthony quando criança.
06:41
"Hey Anthony, come on upstairs."
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"Anthony, suba aqui."
06:43
Johnny call, you go.
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Johnny chamou, você vai.
06:45
So I run right upstairs.
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Corri para lá.
06:47
As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?"
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Quando abri a porta ele disse, "Quer um pouco?"
06:50
Now I immediately knew what he meant.
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Imediatamente eu sabia o que significava.
06:52
Because for me growing up at that time,
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Porque crescendo naquela época,
06:54
and our relationship with this man box,
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com nosso relacionamento a caixa de macho,
06:56
"Do you want some?" meant one of two things:
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quer um pouco significa duas coisas:
06:58
sex or drugs --
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Sexo ou drogas --
07:00
and we weren't doing drugs.
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e nós não estávamos nas drogas.
07:02
Now my box, my card,
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Minha caixa, minha credencial,
07:04
my man box card,
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credencial de masculinidade,
07:06
was immediately in jeopardy.
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estava em perigo.
07:08
Two things: One, I never had sex.
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Duas coisas: Primeiro, eu nunca tinha feito sexo.
07:11
We don't talk about that as men.
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Homens não falam sobre isso.
07:13
You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life,
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Você só diz para seu melhor amigo, jurando segredo,
07:16
the first time you had sex.
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a primeira vez que fez sexo.
07:18
For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two.
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Para o resto, nós andamos como se tivéssemos feito desde os dois anos.
07:21
There ain't no first time.
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Nunca houve primeira vez.
07:23
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
07:26
The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any.
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A outra coisa que não podia contar é que eu não queria.
07:28
That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl.
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Isto é o pior. Deveríamos sempre estar disponível.
07:31
Women are objects,
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Mulheres são objetos,
07:33
especially sexual objects.
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especialmente objetos sexuais.
07:35
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that.
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Eu não podia falar isso para ele.
07:37
So, like my mother would say, make a long story short,
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Como minha mãe dizia, resumindo a história:
07:39
I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes."
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Eu apenas disse ao Johnny, "Sim."
07:41
He told me to go in his room.
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Ele disse para ir no quarto dele.
07:43
I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila.
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Eu entro. Na cama havia uma garota do bairro chamada Sheila.
07:46
She's 16 years old.
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Ela tinha 16 anos.
07:48
She's nude.
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Estava pelada.
07:50
She's what I know today to be mentally ill,
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Hoje sei que ela era deficiente mental,
07:52
higher-functioning at times than others.
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algumas vezes mais lúcida, outras não.
07:55
We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her.
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Tínhamos muitos apelidos para ela.
07:59
Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her.
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Johnny havia acabado de fazer sexo com ela.
08:02
Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her.
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Na verdade ele a estuprou, mas falava que havia feito sexo.
08:05
Because, while Sheila never said no,
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Porque, mesmo Sheila nunca tendo dito não,
08:08
she also never said yes.
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ela nunca disse sim.
08:10
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same.
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Ele me ofereceu a oportunidade de fazer o mesmo.
08:12
So when I go in the room, I close the door.
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Quando entrei no quarto, fechei a porta.
08:15
Folks, I'm petrified.
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Amigos, eu estava paralisado.
08:17
I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room
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Fiquei parado na porta para Johnny não entrar no quarto
08:19
and see that I'm not doing anything,
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e ver que eu não estava fazendo nada.
08:21
and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something.
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E fiquei ali o suficiente para poder fazer alguma coisa.
08:24
So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do;
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Não estava mais pensando no que eu ia fazer,
08:26
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room.
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estava pensando em como eu iria sair daquele quarto.
08:29
So in my 12 years of wisdom,
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Nos meus 12 anos de sabedoria,
08:31
I zip my pants down,
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abri o zíper da minha calça
08:33
I walk out into the room,
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e saí do quarto.
08:35
and lo and behold to me,
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E reparem,
08:37
while I was in the room with Sheila,
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enquanto eu estava no quarto com Sheila,
08:39
Johnny was back at the window calling guys up.
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o Johnny estava na janela chamando os caras.
08:42
So now there's a living room full of guys.
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A sala estava cheia de garotos.
08:44
It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office.
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Parecia a sala de espera do médico.
08:47
And they asked me how was it,
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E eles perguntavam como tinha sido.
08:49
and I say to them, "It was good,"
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E eu dizia, "Foi bom."
08:52
and I zip my pants up in front of them,
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Levantei meu zíper na frente deles,
08:54
and I head for the door.
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e fui em direção à porta.
08:56
Now I say this all with remorse,
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Agora digo isso com remorso,
08:58
and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time,
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e eu estava com muito remorso naquela época,
09:00
but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited,
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porque enquanto eu estava com remorso, estava feliz,
09:03
because I didn't get caught.
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porque eu não tinha sido pego,
09:05
But I knew I felt bad about what was happening.
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mas eu me sentia mal pelo o que tinha acontecido.
09:07
This fear, getting outside the man box,
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Este medo entrando na caixa de macho
09:10
totally enveloped me.
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cobrindo-me totalmente.
09:12
It was way more important to me,
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Era mais importante para mim
09:14
about me and my man box card
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minha caixa e eu
09:17
than about Sheila
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do que Sheila
09:19
and what was happening to her.
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e o que havia acontecido com ela.
09:21
See collectively, we as men
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Coletivamente, nós enquanto homens
09:23
are taught to have less value in women,
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somos ensinados a dar pouco valor às mulheres,
09:25
to view them as property and the objects of men.
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para vê-las como objetos dos homens.
09:28
We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.
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Vemos isso como uma equação que resulta em violência feminina.
09:31
We as men, good men,
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Nós homens, bons homens,
09:33
the large majority of men,
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a maioria dos homens,
09:35
we operate on the foundation
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agimos nas fundações
09:37
of this whole collective socialization.
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de tudo isso.
09:39
We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it.
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Nós nos vemos como separados, mas somos parte disso.
09:42
You see, we have to come to understand
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Precisamos entender
09:45
that less value, property and objectification is the foundation
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que dar pouco valor e materialização é a fundação
09:48
and the violence can't happen without it.
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e que violência só acontece com isso.
09:50
So we're very much a part of the solution
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Somos em grande parte a solução
09:53
as well as the problem.
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mas também o problema.
09:55
The center for disease control says
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O centro de controle às doenças diz
09:57
that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions,
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que violência masculina contra a mulher é epidêmica,
10:00
is the number one health concern for women
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é o maior perigo às mulheres
10:02
in this country and abroad.
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neste país e em outros.
10:04
So quickly, I'd like to just say,
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Rapidamente, gostaria de dizer,
10:07
this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay.
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que esta é o amor da minha vida, minha filha Jay.
10:10
The world I envision for her --
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O mundo que eu vejo para ela,
10:12
how do I want men to be acting and behaving?
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como vou querer que os homens ajam?
10:14
I need you on board. I need you with me.
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Preciso de você nessa. Preciso de você comigo.
10:16
I need you working with me and me working with you
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Que trabalhe comigo e eu trabalhe com você
10:19
on how we raise our sons
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em como criamos nossos filhos
10:21
and teach them to be men --
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os ensinando a serem homens --
10:23
that it's okay to not be dominating,
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que está bem não ser dominante;
10:25
that it's okay to have feelings and emotions,
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Que está bem ter sentimentos e emoções;
10:28
that it's okay to promote equality,
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que está bem promover igualdade;
10:30
that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it,
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que está bem ter mulheres que são só amigas;
10:33
that it's okay to be whole,
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que está bem ser íntegro;
10:35
that my liberation as a man
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que minha liberdade como homem
10:38
is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
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está presa a sua liberdade como mulher.
10:41
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy,
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Lembro de perguntar a um garoto de nove anos.
10:44
I asked a nine-year-old boy,
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Perguntei a um garoto de nove anos,
10:47
"What would life be like for you,
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"Como a vida seria para você,
10:49
if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?"
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se não estivesse preso a caixa de macho?"
10:51
He said to me, "I would be free."
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E ele respondeu, "Eu estaria livre."
10:53
Thank you folks.
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Obrigado.
10:55
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activistTony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.
Why you should listen
Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”
Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.
He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.
He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com