TEDWomen 2010
Tony Porter: A call to men
Tony Porter: Výzva mužom
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Na TEDWomen, Tony Porter vyzýva všetkých mužov: Nesprávajte sa "ako chlapi". Rozpráva príbehy z vlastného života a ukazuje, ako môže táto mentalita, nahustená do toľkých mužov a chlapcov, viesť mužov k neúcte, zlému zaobchádzaniu a zneužívaniu žien a jeden druhého. Jeho riešenie: Osloboďte sa od "chlapského zaškatuľkovania".
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up in New York City,
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Vyrástol som v New York City,
00:18
between Harlem and the Bronx.
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medzi Harlemom a Bronxom.
00:20
Growing up as a boy, we were taught
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Ako chlapca ma učili,
00:22
that men had to be tough, had to be strong,
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že muži musia byť tvrdí, musia byť silní,
00:24
had to be courageous, dominating --
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musia mať guráž, musia mať prevahu --
00:27
no pain, no emotions,
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žiadna bolesť, žiadne emócie,
00:29
with the exception of anger --
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okrem hnevu --
00:31
and definitely no fear;
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a jednoznačne žiaden strach --
00:33
that men are in charge,
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že muži majú veci pod kontrolou,
00:35
which means women are not;
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čo znamená, že ženy nemajú;
00:37
that men lead,
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že muži vedú
00:39
and you should just follow and do what we say;
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a vy by ste len mali nasledovať a robiť, čo povieme;
00:42
that men are superior; women are inferior;
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že muži sú nadradení, ženy druhoradé;
00:45
that men are strong; women are weak;
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že muži sú silní, ženy sú slabé;
00:48
that women are of less value,
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že ženy majú menšiu hodnotu --
00:51
property of men,
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sú majetkom mužov --
00:53
and objects,
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a objekty,
00:55
particularly sexual objects.
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najmä sexuálne objekty.
00:58
I've later come to know that to be
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Neskôr som spoznal, že to je
01:01
the collective socialization of men,
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kolektívna socializácia mužov,
01:04
better known
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viac známa
01:06
as the "man box."
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ako "chlapské škatuľkovanie".
01:08
See this man box has in it
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Viete, toto chlapské škatuľkovanie má v sebe
01:10
all the ingredients
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všetky zložky
01:12
of how we define what it means to be a man.
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toho, čo definujeme, čo to znamená byť mužom.
01:14
Now I also want to say, without a doubt,
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Takisto chcem povedať, bez pochybností,
01:16
there are some wonderful, wonderful,
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že sú niektoré úplne úžasné,
01:18
absolutely wonderful things
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absolútne úžasné veci
01:20
about being a man.
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na tom byť mužom.
01:22
But at the same time,
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Ale zároveň,
01:24
there's some stuff
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sú niektoré veci,
01:26
that's just straight up twisted,
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ktoré sú úplne choré.
01:28
and we really need to begin
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A my ich naozaj potrebujeme začať
01:30
to challenge, look at it
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spochybňovať, pozrieť sa na to
01:32
and really get in the process
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a pustiť sa do procesu
01:34
of deconstructing, redefining,
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rekonštrukcie, predefinovania toho,
01:37
what we come to know as manhood.
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čo poznáme ako mužnosť.
01:41
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay.
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Toto sú moji dvaja doma, Kendall a Jay.
01:43
They're 11 and 12.
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Majú 11 a 12.
01:45
Kendall's 15 months older than Jay.
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Kendall je o 15 mesiacov starší ako Jay.
01:47
There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I,
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Bolo to obdobie života, keď moja žena, Tammie, a ja,
01:50
we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom:
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sme zrazu boli naozaj zaneprázdnení a bum-bác:
01:52
Kendall and Jay.
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Kendall a Jay.
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
01:56
And when they were about five and six,
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A keď mali okolo päť a šesť,
01:58
four and five,
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štyri a päť,
02:00
Jay could come to me,
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Jay mohla ku mne prísť,
02:02
come to me crying.
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prísť ku mne a plakať.
02:04
It didn't matter what she was crying about,
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Nezáležalo na tom, prečo plakala,
02:06
she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up,
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mohla si sadnúť na moje koleno, mohla úplne osopliť môj rukáv,
02:08
just cry, cry it out.
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len plakať, vyplakať sa.
02:10
Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
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Ocinko je tu. To je všetko, na čom záleží.
02:13
Now Kendall on the other hand --
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A Kendall na druhej strane --
02:15
and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her --
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a ako som povedal, má len o 15 mesiacov viac ako ona --
02:18
he'd come to me crying,
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prišiel ku mne a plakal,
02:20
it's like as soon as I would hear him cry,
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a hneď ako som ho počul plakať,
02:22
a clock would go off.
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hodiny začali tikať.
02:24
I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds,
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Dal by som mu možno 30 sekúnd,
02:27
which means, by the time he got to me,
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čo znamená, že kým ku mne prišiel,
02:30
I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying?
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už som hovoril veci ako, "Prečo plačeš?
02:32
Hold your head up. Look at me.
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Drž hlavu hore. Pozri na mňa.
02:35
Explain to me what's wrong.
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Vysvetli mi, čo je zle.
02:37
Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you.
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Povedz mi, čo je zle. Nerozumiem ti.
02:39
Why are you crying?"
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Prečo plačeš?"
02:41
And out of my own frustration
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A z vlastnej frustrácie
02:43
of my role and responsibility
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mojej roly a zodpovednosti
02:45
of building him up as a man
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vychovať ho ako muža,
02:47
to fit into these guidelines
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aby spĺňal tieto pravidlá
02:49
and these structures that are defining this man box,
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a tieto štruktúry, ktoré definujú svet chlapa,
02:52
I would find myself saying things like,
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zrazu som začal hovoriť veci ako
02:54
"Just go in your room.
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"Choď do svojej izby.
02:56
Just go on, go on in your room.
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Choď, choď do svojej izby.
02:58
Sit down,
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Sadni si,
03:00
get yourself together
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vzchop sa
03:02
and come back and talk to me
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a príď a hovor so mnou,
03:04
when you can talk to me like a --" what?
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keď budeš môcť hovoriť ako -- "Čo?
03:06
(Audience: Man.)
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(Publikum: Chlap.)
03:08
Like a man.
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"ako chlap."
03:10
And he's five years old.
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A on má päť rokov.
03:12
And as I grow in life,
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A ako som postupoval životom,
03:14
I would say to myself,
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povedal som si,
03:16
"My God, what's wrong with me?
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"Môj Bože, čo je to so mnou?
03:18
What am I doing? Why would I do this?"
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Čo to robím? Prečo to robím?"
03:21
And I think back.
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A premýšľam.
03:23
I think back to my father.
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Rozmýšľam o mojom otcovi.
03:26
There was a time in my life
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To bolo obdobie môjho života,
03:28
where we had a very troubled experience in our family.
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keď sme mali v rodine veľmi traumatizujúci zážitok.
03:31
My brother, Henry, he died tragically
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Môj brat Henry zomrel tragicky,
03:33
when we were teenagers.
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keď sme boli tínedžeri.
03:35
We lived in New York City, as I said.
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Žili sme v New York City, ako som povedal.
03:37
We lived in the Bronx at the time,
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Žili sme v tom čase v Bronxe.
03:40
and the burial was in a place called Long Island,
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A pohreb bol na Long Islande,
03:43
it was about two hours outside of the city.
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bolo to asi dve hodiny mimo mesta.
03:46
And as we were preparing
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A ako sme sa pripravovali
03:48
to come back from the burial,
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na návrat z pohrebu,
03:50
the cars stopped at the bathroom
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autá zastavili pri toaletách,
03:52
to let folks take care of themselves
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aby sa ľudia prichystali
03:54
before the long ride back to the city.
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pred dlhou cestou naspäť do mesta.
03:56
And the limousine empties out.
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A limuzína sa vyprázdnila.
03:58
My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out,
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Moja matka, moja sestra, moja teta, všetky vyšli von,
04:00
but my father and I stayed in the limousine,
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ale môj otec a ja sme zostali v limuzíne.
04:03
and no sooner than the women got out,
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A akonáhle ženy vyšli von,
04:06
he burst out crying.
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rozplakal sa.
04:09
He didn't want cry in front of me,
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Nechcel predo mnou plakať.
04:11
but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city,
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Ale vedel, že to nevydrží naspäť do mesta
04:14
and it was better me than to allow himself
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a bolo pre neho lepšie vyjadriť tieto pocity a emócie
04:16
to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women.
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predo mnou, než pred ženami.
04:19
And this is a man
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A toto je muž,
04:21
who, 10 minutes ago,
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ktorý pred desiatimi minútami
04:23
had just put his teenage son
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vložil svojho mladistvého syna
04:25
in the ground --
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do zeme --
04:27
something I just can't even imagine.
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niečo, čo ja si neviem ani predstaviť.
04:32
The thing that sticks with me the most
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Čo mi utkvelo v pamäti,
04:34
is that he was apologizing to me
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bolo, ako sa mi ospravedlňoval,
04:37
for crying in front of me,
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že predo mnou plače.
04:39
and at the same time, he was also giving me props,
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A zároveň ma podporoval,
04:42
lifting me up,
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vyzdvihoval za to,
04:44
for not crying.
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že neplačem.
04:46
I come to also look at this
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Pozerám sa na to tak,
04:49
as this fear that we have as men,
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že ten strach, ktorý máme ako muži,
04:51
this fear that just has us paralyzed,
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že ten strach nás len paralyzuje,
04:53
holding us hostage
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drží ako rukojemníkov
04:55
to this man box.
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v tejto chlapskej škatuli.
04:57
I can remember speaking
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Pamätám si rozhovor
04:59
to a 12-year-old boy, a football player,
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s 12-ročným chlapcom, futbalistom.
05:01
and I asked him, I said,
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Spýtal som sa ho,
05:03
"How would you feel if,
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"Ako by si sa cítil, keby,
05:05
in front of all the players,
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pred ostatnými hráčmi,
05:07
your coach told you you were playing like a girl?"
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keby ti tréner povedal, že hráš ako dievča?"
05:10
Now I expected him to say something like,
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A očakával som, že povie niečo ako
05:12
I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that.
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bol by som smutný, bol by som bez seba, nahnevaný, alebo niečo také.
05:14
No, the boy said to me --
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Nie, ten chlapec mi povedal --
05:16
the boy said to me,
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ten chlapec mi povedal
05:18
"It would destroy me."
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"To by ma zničilo."
05:21
And I said to myself,
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Povedal som si,
05:24
"God, if it would destroy him
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"Bože, ak by ho zničilo,
05:26
to be called a girl,
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keby ho nazvali dievčaťom,
05:28
what are we then teaching him
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čo ho potom učíme
05:31
about girls?"
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o dievčatách?"
05:34
(Applause)
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(Potlesk)
05:38
It took me back to a time
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Vrátilo ma to naspäť do časov,
05:40
when I was about 12 years old.
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keď som mal 12 rokov.
05:43
I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city.
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Vyrastal som v nájomnej budove v centre mesta.
05:46
At this time we're living in the Bronx,
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V tom čase sme žili v Bronxe.
05:48
and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny.
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A v budove vedľa tej, kde som žil ja, žil chalan menom Johnny.
05:51
He was about 16 years old,
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Mal 16 rokov,
05:53
and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys.
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a my sme všetci mali 12 -- mladší chlapci.
05:55
And he was hanging out with all us younger guys.
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A on chodieval von s nami, mladšími chlapcami.
05:57
And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.
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A tento chlapec mal v sebe veľa zlého.
05:59
He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder,
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Bol to ten typ, pri ktorom sa rodičia čudovali,
06:01
"What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?"
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"Čo robí tento 16-ročný chalan s týmito 12-ročnými chlapcami?"
06:04
And he did spend a lot of time up to no good.
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Strávil veľa času robením zla.
06:06
He was a troubled kid.
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Bolo to problémové dieťa.
06:08
His mother had died from a heroin overdose.
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Jeho matka zomrela na predávkovanie heroínom.
06:10
He was being raised by his grandmother.
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Vychovávala ho stará mama.
06:12
His father wasn't on the set.
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Jeho otec nebol nablízku.
06:14
His grandmother had two jobs.
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Jeho stará mama mala dve práce.
06:16
He was home alone a lot.
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Bol veľa sám doma.
06:18
But I've got to tell you, we young guys,
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Ale hovorím vám, my chalani
06:20
we looked up to this dude, man.
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sme k nemu vzhliadali.
06:22
He was cool. He was fine.
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Bol skvelý. Bol výborný.
06:25
That's what the sisters said, "He was fine."
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Tak to povedali sestry, "Je výborný."
06:28
He was having sex.
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Mal sex.
06:30
We all looked up to him.
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Všetci sme k nemu vzhliadali.
06:32
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something --
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Takže jedného dňa, som pred domom, robím niečo --
06:34
just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what.
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len sa hrám, niečo robím -- neviem čo.
06:37
He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony."
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Pozrie von oknom, zavolá ma hore, povie, "Hej Anthony."
06:39
They called me Anthony growing up as a kid.
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Volali ma Anthony, keď som vyrastal.
06:41
"Hey Anthony, come on upstairs."
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"Hej Anthony, poď hore."
06:43
Johnny call, you go.
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Keď ťa Johnny zavolá, ideš.
06:45
So I run right upstairs.
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Tak utekám hore.
06:47
As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?"
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Ako otvorí dvere, povie mi, "Chceš nejakú?"
06:50
Now I immediately knew what he meant.
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Okamžite som vedel, čo to znamená.
06:52
Because for me growing up at that time,
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Pretože pre mňa, vyrastajúc v tom čase,
06:54
and our relationship with this man box,
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a s naším vzťahom k tomuto chlapskému zaškatuľkovaniu,
06:56
"Do you want some?" meant one of two things:
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chceš nejakú znamenalo jednu z dvoch vecí,
06:58
sex or drugs --
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sex alebo drogy --
07:00
and we weren't doing drugs.
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a my sme nebrali drogy.
07:02
Now my box, my card,
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Moja schránka, priepustka,
07:04
my man box card,
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pozvánka do sveta chlapov,
07:06
was immediately in jeopardy.
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bola okamžite v ohrození.
07:08
Two things: One, I never had sex.
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Dve veci: Prvá, nikdy som nemal sex.
07:11
We don't talk about that as men.
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Ako muži o tom nehovoríme.
07:13
You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life,
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O prvom sexe poviete len vášmu najbližšiemu priteľovi,
07:16
the first time you had sex.
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ktorý prisahá na svoj život, že to nikomu nepovie.
07:18
For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two.
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Pre každého iného, hráme to ako keby sme mali sex od dvoch rokov.
07:21
There ain't no first time.
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Neexistuje prvýkrát.
07:23
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
07:26
The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any.
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Ďaľšia vec, ktorú som mu nemohol povedať, bolo, že som žiaden nechcel.
07:28
That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl.
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To bolo ešte horšie. Mali sme byť vždy na love.
07:31
Women are objects,
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Ženy boli objekty,
07:33
especially sexual objects.
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obzvlášť sexuálne objekty.
07:35
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that.
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Každopádne, nič z toho som mu nemohol povedať.
07:37
So, like my mother would say, make a long story short,
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Takže, ako moja matka zvykla hovoriť, skráťme to.
07:39
I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes."
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Jednoducho som Johnnymu povedal, "Áno."
07:41
He told me to go in his room.
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Kázal mi ísť do jeho izby.
07:43
I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila.
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Idem do jeho izby. Na jeho posteli je dievča od susedov menom Sheila.
07:46
She's 16 years old.
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Má 16 rokov.
07:48
She's nude.
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Je nahá.
07:50
She's what I know today to be mentally ill,
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Je to, čo dnes poznám ako mentálne chorá,
07:52
higher-functioning at times than others.
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niekedy viac aktívna ako inokedy.
07:55
We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her.
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Mali sme pre ňu celý výber nevhodných mien.
07:59
Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her.
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Každopádne, Johnny s ňou mal akurát sex.
08:02
Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her.
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Presnejšie, znásilnil ju, ale on by povedal, že s ňou mal sex.
08:05
Because, while Sheila never said no,
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Pretože, kým Sheila nikdy nepovedala nie,
08:08
she also never said yes.
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nikdy nepovedala ani áno.
08:10
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same.
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Tak mi ponúkol možnosť urobiť to isté.
08:12
So when I go in the room, I close the door.
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Tak ako vojdem do izby, zavriem dvere.
08:15
Folks, I'm petrified.
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Ľudia, skamenel som.
08:17
I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room
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Stojím chrbtom k dverám, takže Johnny nemôže vraziť do izby
08:19
and see that I'm not doing anything,
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a vidieť, že nič nerobím.
08:21
and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something.
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A stojím tam dosť dlho na to, aby som vlastne niečo urobil.
08:24
So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do;
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Tak sa už viac nesnažím prísť na to, čo urobím,
08:26
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room.
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snažím sa prísť na to, ako sa dostanem von z tento izby.
08:29
So in my 12 years of wisdom,
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Tak s mojimi vedomosťami 12-ročného,
08:31
I zip my pants down,
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odzipsujem si nohavice,
08:33
I walk out into the room,
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vykráčam z izby.
08:35
and lo and behold to me,
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A
08:37
while I was in the room with Sheila,
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kým som bol v izbe so Sheilou,
08:39
Johnny was back at the window calling guys up.
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Johnny bol pri okne a volal chalanov nahor.
08:42
So now there's a living room full of guys.
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Tak teraz je obývačka plná chalanov.
08:44
It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office.
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Bolo to ako čakáreň u doktora.
08:47
And they asked me how was it,
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A všetci sa pýtali, aké to bolo.
08:49
and I say to them, "It was good,"
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A ja im hovorím, "Bolo to dobré."
08:52
and I zip my pants up in front of them,
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A zazipsujem si pred nimi nohavice
08:54
and I head for the door.
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a smerujem k dverám.
08:56
Now I say this all with remorse,
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Hovorím toto všetko s výčitkami,
08:58
and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time,
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a cítil som hrozné výčitky aj vtedy,
09:00
but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited,
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ale mal som v sebe konflikt, pretože hoci som mal výčitky, bol som nadšený,
09:03
because I didn't get caught.
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pretože ma nenachytali,
09:05
But I knew I felt bad about what was happening.
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ale vedel som, že sa cítim zle pre to, čo sa dialo.
09:07
This fear, getting outside the man box,
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Tento strach, že ma vyhodia zo sveta chlapov,
09:10
totally enveloped me.
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ma obklopil zo všetkých strán.
09:12
It was way more important to me,
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Bolo pre mňa omnoho dôležitejšie
09:14
about me and my man box card
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ja a moja pozvánka do sveta chlapov,
09:17
than about Sheila
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než Sheila
09:19
and what was happening to her.
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a to, čo prežívala ona.
09:21
See collectively, we as men
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Kolektívne, my ako muži
09:23
are taught to have less value in women,
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sme naučení ceniť si ženy menej,
09:25
to view them as property and the objects of men.
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vidieť ich ako majetok a objekt pre mužov.
09:28
We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.
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Vidíme to ako prirovnanie, ktoré sa rovná násiliu na ženách.
09:31
We as men, good men,
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My ako muži, dobrí muži,
09:33
the large majority of men,
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väčšina mužov,
09:35
we operate on the foundation
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pôsobíme na tomto základe
09:37
of this whole collective socialization.
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tejto celej kolektívnej socializácie.
09:39
We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it.
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Myslíme si, že sme mimo, ale sme toho súčasťou.
09:42
You see, we have to come to understand
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Vidíte, musíme porozumieť,
09:45
that less value, property and objectification is the foundation
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že menšia hodnota, majetok a objektivizácia je základom
09:48
and the violence can't happen without it.
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a bez toho k násiliu nedôjde.
09:50
So we're very much a part of the solution
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Takže sme súčasťou riešenia,
09:53
as well as the problem.
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takisto, ako sme problémom.
09:55
The center for disease control says
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Centrum pre kontrolu chorôb vraví,
09:57
that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions,
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že mužské násilie páchané na ženách má epidemické rozmery,
10:00
is the number one health concern for women
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je číslom jedna ženských obáv o zdravie
10:02
in this country and abroad.
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v tejto krajine a v zahraničí.
10:04
So quickly, I'd like to just say,
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Takže rýchlo, len by som rád povedal,
10:07
this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay.
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toto je láska môjho života, moja dcéra Jay.
10:10
The world I envision for her --
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Vo svete, ktorý si pre ňu predstavujem,
10:12
how do I want men to be acting and behaving?
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ako chcem, aby sa muži správali a konali?
10:14
I need you on board. I need you with me.
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Potrebujem vás tu. Potrebujem vás pri mne.
10:16
I need you working with me and me working with you
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Potrebujem vás spolupracovať so mnou a mňa spolupracovať s vami
10:19
on how we raise our sons
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na tom, ako vychovávame našich synov
10:21
and teach them to be men --
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a učíme ich byť mužmi --
10:23
that it's okay to not be dominating,
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že je to v poriadku nebyť dominantný,
10:25
that it's okay to have feelings and emotions,
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že je v poriadku mať pocity a emócie,
10:28
that it's okay to promote equality,
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že je v poriadku propagovať rovnosť,
10:30
that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it,
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že je v poriadku mať ženy len za priateľky,
10:33
that it's okay to be whole,
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že je v poriadku byť celok,
10:35
that my liberation as a man
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že odkrývanie muža vo mne
10:38
is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
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je naviazané na odkrývanie ženy vo vás.
10:41
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy,
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Pamätám sa ako som sa spýtal 9-ročného chlapca.
10:44
I asked a nine-year-old boy,
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Opýtal som sa deväťročného chlapca,
10:47
"What would life be like for you,
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"Aký by bol pre teba život,
10:49
if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?"
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keby si nemusel byť pripútaný k tomuto chlapskému zaškatuľkovaniu?"
10:51
He said to me, "I would be free."
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Povedal mi, "Bol by som slobodný."
10:53
Thank you folks.
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Ďakujem vám.
10:55
(Applause)
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(Potlesk)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activistTony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.
Why you should listen
Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”
Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.
He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.
He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com