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Maz Jobrani: A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ...
玛斯 乔布蓝尼:当一个阿拉伯人，一个印度人和一个伊朗人走进一家卡塔尔酒吧
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伊朗-美国裔喜剧家玛斯 乔布蓝尼来到了卡塔尔多哈的TED峰会上，谈论了在中东的一些严肃话题--例如当问好时到底要轻吻几下，以及在美国飞机上什么不该说。
Maz Jobrani - Comedian
A founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani is now touring with his second solo comedy show, Browner and Friendlier. Full bio
A founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani is now touring with his second solo comedy show, Browner and Friendlier. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
Hello, Doha. Hello. Salaam alaikum.
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嗨，多哈。嗨，大家好（阿拉伯问候语）
00:22
I love coming to Doha. It's such an international place.
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我喜欢来多哈。这是个如此国际化的地方。
00:26
This is like -- it feels like the United Nations just here.
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这就像----似乎联合国就在这里。
00:30
You land at the airport, and you're welcomed by an Indian lady
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当你到达机场后，是个印度女士来迎接你的
00:32
who takes you to Al Maha Services, where you meet a Filipino lady
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她把你带到阿玛哈酒店，在这里你见到一位菲律宾女士
00:37
who hands you off to a South African lady
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菲律宾女士把你转托给一位南非女士
00:39
who then takes you to a Korean who takes you to
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南非女士把你带给一位韩国人，而这位韩国人把你和行李带
00:41
a Pakistani guy with the luggage
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给一个巴基斯坦家伙。
00:44
who takes you to the car with a Sri Lankan.
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巴基斯坦人连同一个斯里兰卡人把你带上了车
00:45
You go to the hotel and you check in. There's a Lebanese.
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你到达了酒店并办理了入住。（前台）是个黎巴嫩人。
00:48
Yeah? And then a Swedish guy showed me my room.
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额？然后一个瑞典人带我看了下房间。
00:52
I said, "Where are the Qataris?" (Laughter)
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我说“卡塔尔人呢？”（笑声）
00:55
(Applause)
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（掌声）
00:58
They said, "No, no, it's too hot. They come out later. They're smart."
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他们说“不，不，现在太热了，他们晚点出来，他们比较聪明”
01:01
(Laughter) "They know."
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（笑声）“他们知道这一点”
01:05
And of course it's growing so fast, sometimes there's growing pains.
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当然多哈发展如此迅速，有时也有成长的烦恼
01:08
You know, like sometimes you run into people that you think
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你们知道，比如，你对这个城市很了解
01:11
know the city well, but they don't know it that well.
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但有时你会遇到一些对这个城市不是很了解的人
01:14
My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,
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我的印度司机出现在W
01:16
and I asked him to take me to the Sheraton,
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我让他送我去希尔顿酒店
01:19
and he said, "No problem, sir."
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他说“没问题，先生”
01:21
And then we sat there for two minutes.
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然后我们就在原地呆了2分钟
01:24
I said, "What's wrong?"He said, "One problem, sir."
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我说“怎么不走？”他说“有个问题，先生”
01:27
I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"
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我说“什么问题”。他说“那地方在哪？”
01:28
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:31
I go, "You're the driver, you should know."He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."
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我继续说“你是司机，你应该知道”。他说“我不知道，我刚到不久，先生”
01:36
I go, "You just arrived at the W?""No, I just arrived in Doha, sir.
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我说“你刚到W吗？”（他说）“不，我刚到多哈，先生。
01:40
I was on my way home from the airport. I got a job.
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我从机场回家的路上，得到了这份工作
01:42
I'm working already."
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我已经在工作了“
01:45
He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"
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他说“先生，你干嘛不开车呢？”
01:48
I go, "I don't know where we're going."
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我说“我不知道我们要去哪”
01:50
"Neither do I. It will be an adventure, sir."
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“我也不知道，这将是个探险之旅，先生”
01:55
It is an adventure. The Middle East has been an adventure the past couple years.
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这确实是场探险之旅。中东在过去数年一直在探险。
01:58
The Middle East is going crazy with the Arab Spring
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中东因为阿拉伯之春运动，改革和所有这些事情
02:01
and revolution and all this. Are there any Lebanese here tonight?
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而变得疯狂。这里今晚有黎巴嫩人吗？
02:03
Any Lebanese by applause? (Applause) Lebanese.
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黎巴嫩人请鼓掌下。（鼓掌）。黎巴嫩人。
02:05
Yeah. The Middle East is going crazy.
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是的，中东正在变得疯狂。
02:08
You know the Middle East is going crazy
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你们知道中东正在变得疯狂。
02:10
when Lebanon is the most peaceful place in the region.
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而黎巴嫩是这个地区最安静的地方。
02:12
(Laughter) (Applause)
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（笑声）（鼓掌）
02:15
Who would have thought? Oh my gosh.
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谁曾想到过呢？哦，我的天啊。
02:20
No. There's serious issues in the region.
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不。这个地区有着很严重的问题。
02:22
Some people don't want to talk about them. I'm here to talk about them tonight.
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一些人不愿意谈论这些。我今晚就要在这谈下他们。
02:26
Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
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中东的女士们先生们。
02:28
here's a serious issue. When we see each other,
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有一个很严肃的问题。当我们见面时，
02:29
when we say hello, how many kisses are we going to do?
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当我们说你好时，我们要轻吻几下呢？
02:35
Every country is different and it's confusing, okay?
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每个国家都不一样，这很困惑人，不是吗？
02:37
In Lebanon, they do three. In Egypt, they do two.
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在黎巴嫩，他们亲3下。在埃及，他们亲2下。
02:41
I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.
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我在黎巴嫩时，我习惯了亲3下。
02:43
I went to Egypt. I went to say hello to this one Egyptian guy,
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当我去埃及后，我去和一个埃及人问好。
02:46
I went, one, two. I went for three. He wasn't into it.
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我去了，（亲了）一下，两下。当我要亲第三下时，他退回去了
02:50
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:54
I told him, I said, "No, no, no, I was just in Lebanon."
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我告诉他，我说”不好意思，我刚从黎巴嫩过来“
02:57
He goes, "I don't care where you were. You just stay where you are, please. Just stay where you are."
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他说”我不介意你从哪过来。你就用你们的习惯好了。就用你们的习惯“
03:04
I went to Saudi Arabia. In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
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我去了沙特阿拉伯。在沙特阿拉伯，他们亲1下，2下。
03:07
and then they stay on the same side -- three, four, five, six,
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然后他们在同一边---3，4，5，6
03:10
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.
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7，8，9，10，11，12，13，14，15，16，17，18
03:14
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:18
Next time you see a Saudi, look closely. They're just a little bit tilted.
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下次你看到沙特人，近点看。他们只是有一点倾斜。
03:23
"Abdul, are you okay?""Yeah, I was saying hello for half an hour.
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”阿卜杜勒，你还好吗？“ ”额，我只是半小时一直在问好“
03:24
I'm going to be all right."
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”我会好的“
03:28
Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.
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卡塔尔人，你们用鼻子和鼻子来问好
03:32
Why is that? Are you too tired to go all the way around?
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为什么呢？你们是太累了而不愿两边动吗？
03:36
"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here for a second. Say hello.
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"Habibi,这里太热了,过来下，（和你）问好。
03:39
Hello, Habibi. Just don't move. Just stay there please.
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Habibi，Habibi，别动。请就保持这样的姿势。
03:41
I need to rest."
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我需要休息“
03:45
Every country — Iranians, sometimes we do two, sometimes we do three.
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每个国家----伊朗人，有时候亲2下，有时候3下
03:48
A friend of mine explained to me, before the '79 revolution,
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我的一个朋友这么像我解释，在79改革前，
03:51
it was two. After the revolution, three.
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是2下。在改革后，变成了3下
03:55
So with Iranians, you can tell whose side the person is on
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所以对于伊朗人，你可以更具他们的轻吻次数
03:58
based on the number of kisses they give you.
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辨别他们是支持哪一方的。
04:00
Yeah, if you go one, two, three -- "I can't believe you support this regime
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是的，如果你亲了一下，两下，三下。。。”我无法相信你是支持这个政体的
04:04
with your three kisses."
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因为你亲了3下。”
04:09
But no, guys, really, it is exciting to be here,
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言归正传，朋友们，很激动能站在这里，
04:12
and like I said, you guys are doing a lot culturally,
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就像我说的，你们在做着很多关于文化的东西，
04:15
you know, and it's amazing, and it helps change the image
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你们知道，这是很神奇的事情，它有助于改变
04:17
of the Middle East in the West. Like a lot of Americans
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西方人眼中的中东形象。就像许多美国人
04:20
don't know a lot about us, about the Middle East.
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不是很了解我们，不是很了解中东。
04:23
I'm Iranian and American. I'm there. I know, I've traveled here.
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我是个伊朗人，也是个美国人。我住在美国，然后我知道，我是来这里旅游的。
04:26
There's so much, we laugh, right?
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这种（缺乏了解的）事情太多了，我们会笑，对吗？
04:28
People don't know we laugh. When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
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当我做邪恶坐标轴喜剧巡演的时候，（我发现）人们不知道我们会笑，
04:31
it came out on Comedy Central, I went online
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这部喜剧在喜剧中心（美国一个频道）出版，我上网
04:33
to see what people were saying about it. I ended up on a conservative website.
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去看看网友们的评价，我进了一个保守派网友。
04:36
One guy wrote another guy. He said, "I never knew these people laughed."
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一个网友对另一个网友写道“我从不知道这些人还会笑。”
04:40
Think about it. You never see us laughing in American film or television, right?
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想一下。在美国电影很电视剧中，你们从没见过我们中东人在里面笑，对吗？
04:44
Maybe like an evil -- like, "Wuhahaha, wuhahaha. (Laughter)
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可能更多的是像个魔鬼，就像“Whahahaha，Wuhahaha
04:48
I will kill you in the name of Allah, wuhahahahaha."
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我要以真主阿拉的名义杀死你，Wuhahahaha”
04:52
But never like, "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."
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但从没有像“哈哈哈哈哈哈”
04:56
We like to laugh. We like to celebrate life.
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我们喜欢笑，我们喜欢歌颂生命。
04:59
And I wish more Americans would travel here. I always encourage my friends:
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我希望更多的美国人来这里旅游。我经常鼓励我的朋友：
05:02
Travel, see the Middle East, there's so much to see, so many good people.
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去那里旅行吧，看下中东，那里有很多值得看的东西，还有可爱的人民。
05:04
And it's vice versa, and it helps stop problems
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反过来也一样，它有助于阻止因误会以及
05:08
of misunderstanding and stereotypes from happening.
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陈旧观念产生的问题。
05:11
For example, I don't know if you heard about this,
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例如，我不知道你们是否听过这个故事，
05:13
a little while ago in the U.S. there was a Muslim family
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不久前，在美国，有个穆斯林家庭
05:16
walking down the aisle of an airplane
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正走下飞机的通道，
05:18
talking about the safest place to sit on the plane.
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谈论着飞机上最安全的位置。
05:21
Some passengers overheard them, somehow misconstrued
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一些在他们上方的乘客，不知为何，将这误解为
05:23
that as terrorist talk, got them kicked off the plane.
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恐怖分子的谈话，把他们踢下了飞机。
05:27
It was a family, a mother, father, child, walking down the aisle,
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这是一家人，妈妈，爸爸，孩子，在从通道走下来
05:30
talking about the seating. Now as a Middle Eastern male,
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在谈论座位的问题。现在作为一个中东男性，
05:32
I know there's certain things I'm not supposed to say
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我知道有一些事情不应该在美国的航班上讨论
05:34
on an airplane in the U.S., right?
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对吧？
05:37
I'm not supposed to be, like, walking down the aisle,
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当我走下通道时
05:38
and be like, "Hi, Jack." You know, that's not cool.
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我似乎不应该说，”嗨，杰克“，”因为这并不酷
05:42
Even if I'm there with my friend named Jack, I say,
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即使我在这里，我称呼我的名叫Jack的朋友，我说
05:44
"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."
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"你好，杰克，你好，杰克"
05:47
Never "Hi, Jack."
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从不”嗨，杰克“
05:49
(Laughter)
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（大笑）
05:52
But now apparently we can't even talk about
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但是现在很明显我们甚至不能谈论
05:53
the safest place to sit on an airplane.
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飞机上最安全的座位。
05:56
So my advice to all my Middle Eastern friends and Muslim friends
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所以我给我所有中东的以及穆斯林的朋友的建议
05:59
and anyone who looks Middle Eastern or Muslim,
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以及所有看上去像中东或者穆斯林的人
06:00
so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos, everyone,
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例如，印度人，拉丁人
06:04
if you're brown --
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每个棕色皮肤的人
06:07
here's my advice to my brown friends.
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这是我给我棕色皮肤朋友们的建议
06:10
The next time you're on an airplane in the U.S.,
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下一次你再在美国乘坐飞机，
06:13
just speak your mother tongue.
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就讲母语好了。
06:14
That way no one knows what you're saying. Life goes on.
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这样的话，没人知道你在说什么。该怎么样就怎么样。
06:18
Granted, some mother tongues might sound
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但是，一些母语对于一般的美国人
06:20
a little threatening to the average American, right?
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听上去会觉得有些恐怖，不是吗？
06:22
If you're walking down the aisle speaking Arabic,
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当你走下通道时说着阿拉伯语，
06:24
you might freak them out, if you're walking, "[Arabic],"
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你可能会吓坏他们，如果你一边走着，一边”巴拉巴拉巴拉“。
06:28
they might say, "What's he talking about?"
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他们会说”你们在谈论什么？“
06:30
So the key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,
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所以（我给予）我阿拉伯兄弟姐妹们的解决方法就是
06:32
you gotta throw in random good words to put people at ease
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当你走下通道时，你就随便胡乱说点好词
06:35
as you're walking down the aisle.
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来让别人放轻松。
06:36
Just as you're walking down: "[Imitating Arabic] --
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就像你走下来时”巴拉巴拉巴拉（阿拉伯语）“
06:39
strawberry!"
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草莓！”
06:40
(Laughter)
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（大笑）
06:47
"[Imitating Arabic] -- rainbow!"
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”巴拉巴拉巴拉（阿拉伯语）“--彩虹！“
06:52
"[Imitating Arabic] -- Tutti Frutti!"
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”巴拉巴拉巴拉（阿拉伯语）--水果冰淇淋”
06:55
"I think he's going to hijack the plane with some ice cream."
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“我想他大概想劫持一架装满冰淇淋的飞机”
06:59
Thank you very much. Have a good night.
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非常谢谢你们。愿你们有个美好的夜晚。
07:00
Thank you, TED. (Cheers) (Applause)
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谢谢，TED。（欢呼）（鼓掌）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Maz Jobrani - ComedianA founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani is now touring with his second solo comedy show, Browner and Friendlier.
Why you should listen
Maz Jobrani is an actor and comedian who starred on the Axis of Evil Middle East Comedy Tour, a groundbreaking tour of the US and Middle Eastern countries, where it sold out 27 shows in Dubai, Beirut, Cairo, Kuwait and Amman. The Axis of Evil Comedy Central Special premiered in 2007 as, arguably, the first show on American TV with an all-Middle Eastern/American cast. In 2009 Jobrani performed in his first solo world tour, called Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly, and is currently following up this tour with a second, titled Browner and Friendlier.
Jobrani's comedy pulls from his background as an Iran-born kid raised in Northern California. He pokes fun at cultural stereotypes of all kinds -- starting with the stereotype that Middle Eastern actors can only play a few kinds of roles in Hollywood. He's been working to develop rich characters in a variety of TV shows and films. His next project: Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero, described as a cross between a Middle Eastern Pink Panther and Bend It Like Beckham.
Maz Jobrani | Speaker | TED.com