TEDxSummit
Maz Jobrani: A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ...
Maz Jobrani: 當一個沙烏地阿拉伯人、印度人、和伊朗人走進卡達的酒吧....
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伊朗裔美國喜劇演員 Maz Jobrani 在杜哈 (卡達) 的 TEDxSummit 講臺上談論一些嚴肅的中東問題，比如，在問候時應該親幾次吻? 在美國的飛機上什麽話不應該說?
Maz Jobrani - Comedian
A founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani is now touring with his second solo comedy show, Browner and Friendlier. Full bio
A founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani is now touring with his second solo comedy show, Browner and Friendlier. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
Hello, Doha. Hello. Salaam alaikum.
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哈囉，杜哈。哈囉。Salaam alaikum！
（阿拉伯問候語：平安）
（阿拉伯問候語：平安）
00:22
I love coming to Doha. It's such an international place.
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我喜歡來杜哈，這是一個多麼國際化的地方。
00:26
This is like -- it feels like the United Nations just here.
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這就像是 — — 這裡就像聯合國。
00:30
You land at the airport, and you're welcomed by an Indian lady
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你抵達機場，然後一位印度女士來接送你，
00:32
who takes you to Al Maha Services, where you meet a Filipino lady
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她帶你到 Al Maha 服務站，
在那你遇到一位菲律賓女士，
在那你遇到一位菲律賓女士，
00:37
who hands you off to a South African lady
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她又帶你去見一位南非來的女士，
00:39
who then takes you to a Korean who takes you to
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然後這位女士又帶你去見一個韓國人，這人帶你
00:41
a Pakistani guy with the luggage
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去見一個提著行李的巴基斯坦人，
00:44
who takes you to the car with a Sri Lankan.
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這巴基斯坦人又帶你去找
一個開著車的斯里蘭卡人，
一個開著車的斯里蘭卡人，
00:45
You go to the hotel and you check in. There's a Lebanese.
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你去旅館報到，那裡有黎巴嫩人，
00:48
Yeah? And then a Swedish guy showed me my room.
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是吧？然後一個瑞典人領我到房間，
00:52
I said, "Where are the Qataris?" (Laughter)
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我問：「卡達人都在哪啊？」（笑聲）
00:55
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
00:58
They said, "No, no, it's too hot. They come out later. They're smart."
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他們說：「不，不，天氣太熱了，
他們晚點才會出門。他們很聰明」
他們晚點才會出門。他們很聰明」
01:01
(Laughter) "They know."
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（笑聲）「他們知道。」
01:05
And of course it's growing so fast, sometimes there's growing pains.
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當然當一個城市發展得很快，
煩惱也隨之增長。
煩惱也隨之增長。
01:08
You know, like sometimes you run into people that you think
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你知道，比如，有時候你遇見某些人，
01:11
know the city well, but they don't know it that well.
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這些人非常瞭解這個城市，
但他們事實上沒那麼瞭解。
但他們事實上沒那麼瞭解。
01:14
My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,
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我的印度計程車司機在 W 飯店
01:16
and I asked him to take me to the Sheraton,
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我要他帶我去喜來登，
01:19
and he said, "No problem, sir."
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他說：「沒問題，先生。」
01:21
And then we sat there for two minutes.
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然後我們在那裡坐了兩分鐘，
01:24
I said, "What's wrong?"He said, "One problem, sir."
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我說，「有什麼不對勁嗎？」
他說：「先生，有一個問題。」
他說：「先生，有一個問題。」
01:27
I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"
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我說：「什麼問題？」
他說：「喜來登在哪裡？」
他說：「喜來登在哪裡？」
01:28
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:31
I go, "You're the driver, you should know."He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."
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我說：「你是司機，你應該知道才對。」
他說：「不，先生，我才剛到這裡。」
他說：「不，先生，我才剛到這裡。」
01:36
I go, "You just arrived at the W?""No, I just arrived in Doha, sir.
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我問：「你剛剛到達 W 飯店？」
「不，先生，我才剛到杜哈，
「不，先生，我才剛到杜哈，
01:40
I was on my way home from the airport. I got a job.
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我在從機場回家的路上找到了工作，
01:42
I'm working already."
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就馬上開始上班了。」
01:45
He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"
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他說：「先生，你為什麼不開車？」
01:48
I go, "I don't know where we're going."
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我說：「我不知道我們要去哪裡？」
01:50
"Neither do I. It will be an adventure, sir."
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「我也不知道。先生，這將是一段冒險。」
01:55
It is an adventure. The Middle East has been an adventure the past couple years.
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這是一段冒險，過去幾年來，
中東地區一直都是一段冒險行程。
中東地區一直都是一段冒險行程。
01:58
The Middle East is going crazy with the Arab Spring
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中東正為阿拉伯之春狂熱著，
02:01
and revolution and all this. Are there any Lebanese here tonight?
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為革命以及所有這一切狂熱著。
今晚在這兒有黎巴嫩人嗎？
今晚在這兒有黎巴嫩人嗎？
02:03
Any Lebanese by applause? (Applause) Lebanese.
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黎巴嫩人請鼓掌（掌聲）黎巴嫩人。
02:05
Yeah. The Middle East is going crazy.
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是啊，中東正狂熱著。
02:08
You know the Middle East is going crazy
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你們知道，正當中東正狂熱著的時候，
02:10
when Lebanon is the most peaceful place in the region.
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黎巴嫩卻是這區域最和平的地方。
02:12
(Laughter) (Applause)
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（笑聲）（掌聲）
02:15
Who would have thought? Oh my gosh.
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誰會想到啊？哦天啊。
02:20
No. There's serious issues in the region.
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不，在這區域有嚴重的問題。
02:22
Some people don't want to talk about them. I'm here to talk about them tonight.
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有些人不想談論這些；今晚在這兒，我就要談一談。
02:26
Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
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各位中東的先生女士們，
02:28
here's a serious issue. When we see each other,
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這區域有個嚴重的問題：當我們看到彼此時，
02:29
when we say hello, how many kisses are we going to do?
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當我們說你好，我們要親幾次吻？
02:35
Every country is different and it's confusing, okay?
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每個國家都不同，這很令人困惑，好嗎？
02:37
In Lebanon, they do three. In Egypt, they do two.
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在黎巴嫩，他們親三次，
在埃及，他們親兩次，
在埃及，他們親兩次，
02:41
I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.
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我在黎巴嫩時已經習慣了親三次。
02:43
I went to Egypt. I went to say hello to this one Egyptian guy,
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我跑去埃及，我對一個埃及人說哈囉，
02:46
I went, one, two. I went for three. He wasn't into it.
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我親了，一次，兩次，當我準備
親第三次時，他受夠了。
親第三次時，他受夠了。
02:50
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:54
I told him, I said, "No, no, no, I was just in Lebanon."
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我告訴他，我說：「不，不，不，我剛才在黎巴嫩。」
02:57
He goes, "I don't care where you were. You just stay where you are, please. Just stay where you are."
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他說：「我管你剛才在哪，你就
待在你原來的地方吧，待那就好。」
待在你原來的地方吧，待那就好。」
03:04
I went to Saudi Arabia. In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
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我跑去沙烏地阿拉伯。
在沙烏地阿拉伯，
他們親一次， 兩次，
在沙烏地阿拉伯，
他們親一次， 兩次，
03:07
and then they stay on the same side -- three, four, five, six,
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然後他們留在同一側——3、4、5、6、
03:10
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.
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7、8、9、 10、 11、 12、
13、 14、 15、 16、 17、 18。
13、 14、 15、 16、 17、 18。
03:14
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:18
Next time you see a Saudi, look closely. They're just a little bit tilted.
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下次你們見到沙烏地阿拉伯人，
你們仔細觀察，他們姿勢有點傾斜。
你們仔細觀察，他們姿勢有點傾斜。
03:23
"Abdul, are you okay?""Yeah, I was saying hello for half an hour.
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「阿卜杜勒，你還好吧？」
「還可以，我說哈囉說了半小時。」
「還可以，我說哈囉說了半小時。」
03:24
I'm going to be all right."
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「我會沒事的。」
03:28
Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.
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卡達人，你們這些傢伙鼻子碰鼻子。
03:32
Why is that? Are you too tired to go all the way around?
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這是為什麼？你們太累了，
不能這麼繞一便親吻嗎？
不能這麼繞一便親吻嗎？
03:36
"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here for a second. Say hello.
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「Habibi（阿拉伯語：朋友）
好熱，我剛到這裡，說你好。
好熱，我剛到這裡，說你好。
03:39
Hello, Habibi. Just don't move. Just stay there please.
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你好，Habibi。別動，請留在那裡，
03:41
I need to rest."
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我需要休息。」
03:45
Every country — Iranians, sometimes we do two, sometimes we do three.
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每個國家 — — 伊朗人，
有時我們親兩次，有時我們親三次，
有時我們親兩次，有時我們親三次，
03:48
A friend of mine explained to me, before the '79 revolution,
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我的一個朋友向我解釋，
在 1979 年革命以前是兩次；
在 1979 年革命以前是兩次；
03:51
it was two. After the revolution, three.
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革命後，是三次。
03:55
So with Iranians, you can tell whose side the person is on
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所以和伊朗人在一起時，
你可以根據他們親吻你的數次
你可以根據他們親吻你的數次
03:58
based on the number of kisses they give you.
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來辨別他們支持的陣營。
04:00
Yeah, if you go one, two, three -- "I can't believe you support this regime
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是啊，如果你親一次、兩次、 三次 — —
「噢我真敢不相信你支持這個政權
「噢我真敢不相信你支持這個政權
04:04
with your three kisses."
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你親三次。」
04:09
But no, guys, really, it is exciting to be here,
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但是，不，各位，真的，
來到這裡真的很令人興奮，
來到這裡真的很令人興奮，
04:12
and like I said, you guys are doing a lot culturally,
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就像我說過的，你們在文化上做了很多事，
04:15
you know, and it's amazing, and it helps change the image
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你知道，這很棒的，它有助於
04:17
of the Middle East in the West. Like a lot of Americans
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改變中東地區在西方的形象，
比如，很多美國人
比如，很多美國人
04:20
don't know a lot about us, about the Middle East.
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不瞭解我們，也不瞭解中東地區，
04:23
I'm Iranian and American. I'm there. I know, I've traveled here.
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我是伊朗人也是美國人，
我在那裡。我知道，我到這兒旅行過。
我在那裡。我知道，我到這兒旅行過。
04:26
There's so much, we laugh, right?
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很多人不理解，我們也會笑，是吧？
04:28
People don't know we laugh. When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
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他們不知道我們會笑。當我巡迴
表演「邪惡軸心」喜劇的時候，
表演「邪惡軸心」喜劇的時候，
04:31
it came out on Comedy Central, I went online
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它上了<喜劇中心>節目後，我上網
04:33
to see what people were saying about it. I ended up on a conservative website.
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看看人們怎麼評價它，
最後我來到一個保守的網站，
最後我來到一個保守的網站，
04:36
One guy wrote another guy. He said, "I never knew these people laughed."
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一個傢伙留言另一個傢伙，
他說：「我從來不知道這些人會笑。」
他說：「我從來不知道這些人會笑。」
04:40
Think about it. You never see us laughing in American film or television, right?
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想想看，你永遠不會看到我們在
美國電視或電影裡頭笑，對吧？
美國電視或電影裡頭笑，對吧？
04:44
Maybe like an evil -- like, "Wuhahaha, wuhahaha. (Laughter)
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如果有的話就像魔鬼......
像這樣：「唔吼哈哈， 唔吼哈哈。」（笑聲）
像這樣：「唔吼哈哈， 唔吼哈哈。」（笑聲）
04:48
I will kill you in the name of Allah, wuhahahahaha."
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我會以阿拉的名殺了你，
「唔吼哈哈哈哈哈。」
「唔吼哈哈哈哈哈。」
04:52
But never like, "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."
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但從來沒有像這樣：
「哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈。」
「哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈。」
04:56
We like to laugh. We like to celebrate life.
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我們喜歡笑，我們喜歡慶祝生命。
04:59
And I wish more Americans would travel here. I always encourage my friends:
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我希望更多美國人會來這裡旅行，
我總是鼓勵我的朋友們：
我總是鼓勵我的朋友們：
05:02
Travel, see the Middle East, there's so much to see, so many good people.
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去旅行，去看看中東，那裡有
許多東西可看，許多很棒的人。
許多東西可看，許多很棒的人。
05:04
And it's vice versa, and it helps stop problems
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反之亦然，它有助於消除
05:08
of misunderstanding and stereotypes from happening.
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由誤解和成見所造成的問題。
05:11
For example, I don't know if you heard about this,
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例如，我不知道你們是否聽過這事，
05:13
a little while ago in the U.S. there was a Muslim family
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前陣子在美國，有一個穆斯林家庭
05:16
walking down the aisle of an airplane
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在飛機走道上邊走邊聊，
05:18
talking about the safest place to sit on the plane.
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他們聊到飛機上最安全的座位，
05:21
Some passengers overheard them, somehow misconstrued
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一些乘客聽到他們說話，
05:23
that as terrorist talk, got them kicked off the plane.
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誤以為那是關於恐怖份子的對話，
於是把他們趕下飛機。
於是把他們趕下飛機。
05:27
It was a family, a mother, father, child, walking down the aisle,
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那是一個家庭，
母親、 父親、 孩子，
他們走在過道上，
母親、 父親、 孩子，
他們走在過道上，
05:30
talking about the seating. Now as a Middle Eastern male,
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聊著座位的事。現在，作為一個中東男人，
05:32
I know there's certain things I'm not supposed to say
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我知道在美國的飛機上
05:34
on an airplane in the U.S., right?
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有某些東西我不應該說，是吧？
05:37
I'm not supposed to be, like, walking down the aisle,
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比如說，我不應該走在走道上說：
05:38
and be like, "Hi, Jack." You know, that's not cool.
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「嗨，傑克。」你知道，這一點都不酷。（聲同劫機）
05:42
Even if I'm there with my friend named Jack, I say,
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就算我和我的朋友傑克在一起，我會說：
05:44
"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."
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「傑克，我向你致上問候。」
05:47
Never "Hi, Jack."
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從來不是「嗨，傑克。」
05:49
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:52
But now apparently we can't even talk about
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但現在顯然我們甚至不能談論
05:53
the safest place to sit on an airplane.
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飛機上最安全的座位！
05:56
So my advice to all my Middle Eastern friends and Muslim friends
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所以我給我所有中東和穆斯林朋友
05:59
and anyone who looks Middle Eastern or Muslim,
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和任何看起來像中東或穆斯林人，
06:00
so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos, everyone,
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也包含，你知道的，印度人和拉丁美洲人的忠告是......
06:04
if you're brown --
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如果你是棕色的
06:07
here's my advice to my brown friends.
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這是我給我棕色朋友們的建議：
06:10
The next time you're on an airplane in the U.S.,
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下一次你在美國的飛機上
06:13
just speak your mother tongue.
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就只說你的母語，
06:14
That way no one knows what you're saying. Life goes on.
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這樣就沒人知道你在說什麼了，繼續過生活。
06:18
Granted, some mother tongues might sound
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但有些母語聽起來
06:20
a little threatening to the average American, right?
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對一般的美國民眾有點威脅性，是吧？
06:22
If you're walking down the aisle speaking Arabic,
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如果你在走道上說阿拉伯文，
06:24
you might freak them out, if you're walking, "[Arabic],"
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你可能會惹火他們，如果你邊走邊說：「[阿拉伯文]」，
06:28
they might say, "What's he talking about?"
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他們可能會問：「他在講什麽？」
06:30
So the key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,
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所以，我的阿拉伯兄弟和姐妹們，關鍵是
06:32
you gotta throw in random good words to put people at ease
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你在走道上邊走邊說時，
一定要隨便丟出一些好詞
一定要隨便丟出一些好詞
06:35
as you're walking down the aisle.
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要讓人們放心。
06:36
Just as you're walking down: "[Imitating Arabic] --
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像這樣邊走邊說：「[模仿阿拉伯文]— —
06:39
strawberry!"
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草莓！」
06:40
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:47
"[Imitating Arabic] -- rainbow!"
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「[模仿阿拉伯文]— —彩虹！」
06:52
"[Imitating Arabic] -- Tutti Frutti!"
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「[模仿阿拉伯文]— —水果冰！」
06:55
"I think he's going to hijack the plane with some ice cream."
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「我想他打算用一些冰淇淋劫持飛機。」
06:59
Thank you very much. Have a good night.
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謝謝。大家晚安。
07:00
Thank you, TED. (Cheers) (Applause)
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謝謝，TED。（歡呼）（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Maz Jobrani - ComedianA founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani is now touring with his second solo comedy show, Browner and Friendlier.
Why you should listen
Maz Jobrani is an actor and comedian who starred on the Axis of Evil Middle East Comedy Tour, a groundbreaking tour of the US and Middle Eastern countries, where it sold out 27 shows in Dubai, Beirut, Cairo, Kuwait and Amman. The Axis of Evil Comedy Central Special premiered in 2007 as, arguably, the first show on American TV with an all-Middle Eastern/American cast. In 2009 Jobrani performed in his first solo world tour, called Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly, and is currently following up this tour with a second, titled Browner and Friendlier.
Jobrani's comedy pulls from his background as an Iran-born kid raised in Northern California. He pokes fun at cultural stereotypes of all kinds -- starting with the stereotype that Middle Eastern actors can only play a few kinds of roles in Hollywood. He's been working to develop rich characters in a variety of TV shows and films. His next project: Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero, described as a cross between a Middle Eastern Pink Panther and Bend It Like Beckham.
Maz Jobrani | Speaker | TED.com