TEDxUF
LB Hannahs: What it's like to be a transgender dad
LB Hana (LB Hannahs): Kako je biti transrodni otac
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Readability: 4.1
1,324,494 views
LB Hana iskreno deli svoja iskustva o roditeljstvu kao dženderkvir osoba - i
šta nas to može naučiti o autentičnosti i zastupanju. „Autentičnost ne znači ‚prijatnost’. Već upravljanje i pregovaranje neprijatnostima svakodnevnog života,“ kaže Hana.
LB Hannahs - Educator
LB Hannahs facilitates change by leaning into discomfort and centering authenticity. Full bio
LB Hannahs facilitates change by leaning into discomfort and centering authenticity. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So the other morning
I went to the grocery store
I went to the grocery store
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Pre neko jutro sam otišao u prodavnicu
i zaposleni me pozdravio sa:
00:15
and an employee greeted me
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00:16
with a "Good morning, sir,
can I help you with anything?"
can I help you with anything?"
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„Dobro jutro, gospodine,
mogu li Vam pomoći?“
mogu li Vam pomoći?“
00:19
I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."
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Rekao sam: „Ne, hvala, sve je u redu.“
Ta osoba se nasmešila
i otišli smo svako svojim putem.
i otišli smo svako svojim putem.
00:21
The person smiled
and we went our separate ways.
and we went our separate ways.
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00:23
I grabbed Cheerios
and I left the grocery store.
and I left the grocery store.
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Uzeo sam pahuljice i izašao iz prodavnice.
00:26
And I went through the drive-through
of a local coffee shop.
of a local coffee shop.
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Otišao sam u drive-through
jednog lokalnog kafića.
jednog lokalnog kafića.
Nakon što sam naručio,
glas sa druge strane je rekao:
glas sa druge strane je rekao:
00:28
After I placed my order,
the voice on the other end said,
the voice on the other end said,
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„Hvala gospođo. Prođite napred.“
00:31
"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."
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00:33
Now, in the span of less than an hour,
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Za manje od sat vremena,
00:35
I was understood
both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
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oslovili su me i sa „gospodine“
i sa „gospođo.“
i sa „gospođo.“
00:38
But for me, neither
of these people are wrong,
of these people are wrong,
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Što se mene tiče, niko nije pogrešio,
00:40
but they're also not completely right.
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ali nisu ni u potpunosti u pravu.
00:44
This cute little human
is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
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Ovo slatko malo biće je moja
skoro dvogodišnja kćerka Eliot.
skoro dvogodišnja kćerka Eliot.
00:48
Yeah, alright.
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Da, tako je.
00:50
And over the past two years,
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Tokom protekle dve godine,
00:51
this kid has forced me
to rethink the world
to rethink the world
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ovo dete me je nateralo da preispitam svet
i kako učestvujem u njemu.
00:53
and how I participate in it.
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00:55
I identify as transgender and as a parent,
that makes me a transparent.
that makes me a transparent.
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Identifikujem se kao trans i kao roditelj
što me čini transroditeljem.
što me čini transroditeljem.
01:00
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:02
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
01:04
(Cheering)
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(Navijanje)
01:06
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
01:11
As you can see, I took
this year's theme super literal.
this year's theme super literal.
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Kao što vidite, shvatio sam
ovogodišnju temu previše bukvalno.
ovogodišnju temu previše bukvalno.
01:15
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:16
Like any good dad joke should.
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Kao što bi i svaki tata koji voli šalu.
01:19
More specifically, I identify
as genderqueer.
as genderqueer.
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Konkretnije, identifikujem se
kao nebinaran.
kao nebinaran.
01:21
And there are lots of ways
to experience being genderqueer,
to experience being genderqueer,
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Postoji mnogo načina na koje
se može shvatiti nebinarnost,
se može shvatiti nebinarnost,
01:24
but for me that means I don't
really identify as a man or a woman.
really identify as a man or a woman.
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ali za mene to znači da se
ne identifikujem kao muškarac ili žena.
ne identifikujem kao muškarac ili žena.
01:27
I feel in between and sometimes
outside of this gender binary.
outside of this gender binary.
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Osećam se kao da sam između
i ponekad van ove rodne binarnosti.
i ponekad van ove rodne binarnosti.
01:31
And being outside of this gender binary
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A biti van ove rodne binarnosti
znači da me nekad oslove
sa „gospodine“ i „gospođo“
sa „gospodine“ i „gospođo“
01:33
means that sometimes I get
"sired" and "ma'amed"
"sired" and "ma'amed"
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01:35
in the span of less than an hour
when I'm out doing everyday things
when I'm out doing everyday things
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za manje od sat vremena
dok obavljam svakodnevne poslove
dok obavljam svakodnevne poslove
kao što je kupovina pahuljica.
01:38
like getting Cheerios.
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Ali u tom međuprostoru
se osećam najprijatnije.
se osećam najprijatnije.
01:40
But this in between lane
is where I'm most comfortable.
is where I'm most comfortable.
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Prostoru u kojem mogu biti
i gospodin i gospođa
i gospodin i gospođa
01:42
This space where I can be
both a sir and a ma'am
both a sir and a ma'am
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se čini najboljim i najautentičnijim.
01:45
feels the most right
and the most authentic.
and the most authentic.
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01:47
But it doesn't mean that these
interactions aren't uncomfortable.
interactions aren't uncomfortable.
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Ali to ne znači da mi
ove interakcije nisu neprijatne.
ove interakcije nisu neprijatne.
01:50
Trust me, the discomfort can range
from minor annoyance
from minor annoyance
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Verujte mi, neprijatnost može ići
od manje nelagodnosti
od manje nelagodnosti
do osećaja fizičke nebezbednosti.
01:53
to feeling physically unsafe.
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01:54
Like the time at a bar in college
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Kao jednom u baru na koledžu
01:56
when a bouncer physically
removed me by the back of the neck
removed me by the back of the neck
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kada me je izbacivač uhvatio za vrat
01:58
and threw me out of a woman's restroom.
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i izbacio iz ženskog toaleta.
02:00
But for me, authenticity
doesn't mean "comfortable."
doesn't mean "comfortable."
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Za mene, autentičnost
ne znači „prijatnost.“
ne znači „prijatnost.“
Već upravljanje i pregovaranje
neprijatnostima svakodnevnog života,
neprijatnostima svakodnevnog života,
02:03
It means managing and negotiating
the discomfort of everyday life,
the discomfort of everyday life,
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02:06
even at times when it's unsafe.
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čak i onda kada nije bezbedno.
02:09
And it wasn't until
my experience as a trans person
my experience as a trans person
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Tek kada se moje iskustvo sa transrodnošću
sudarilo sa mojim novim
identitetom roditelja
identitetom roditelja
02:11
collided with my new identity as a parent
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02:13
that I understood
the depth of my vulnerabilities
the depth of my vulnerabilities
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shvatio sam dubinu svoje ranjivosti
02:15
and how they are preventing me
from being my most authentic self.
from being my most authentic self.
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i kako me ona sprečava
da budem najautentičnija osoba.
da budem najautentičnija osoba.
02:20
Now, for most people,
what their child will call them
what their child will call them
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Za većinu ljudi, to kako će ih dete zvati
nije nešto o čemu previše razmišljaju
02:22
is not something
that they give much thought to
that they give much thought to
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izvan okvira kulturno specifičnih reči
02:24
outside of culturally specific words
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ili varijacija na temu pola kao što su
„mama“, „mamice“ ili „tata“, „tatice.“
„mama“, „mamice“ ili „tata“, „tatice.“
02:26
or variations on a gendered theme
like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."
like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."
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02:30
But for me, the possibility
is what this child,
is what this child,
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Ali za mene, mogućnost
kako će me ovo dete,
kako će me ovo dete,
koje će odrasti i postati tinejdžer
a zatim i prava odrasla osoba,
a zatim i prava odrasla osoba,
02:32
who will grow to be a teenager
and then a real-life adult,
and then a real-life adult,
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02:35
will call me for the rest of our lives,
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zvati do kraja života,
02:37
was both extremely scary and exciting.
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je bila i veoma strašna i uzbudljiva.
Proveo sam devet meseci boreći se
sa činjenicom da, ako me bude zvala „mama“
sa činjenicom da, ako me bude zvala „mama“
02:41
And I spent nine months wrestling
with the reality that being called "mama"
with the reality that being called "mama"
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ili tako nešto, to uopšte
neće ličiti na mene.
neće ličiti na mene.
02:44
or something like it
didn't feel like me at all.
didn't feel like me at all.
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02:47
And no matter how many times
or versions of "mom" I tried,
or versions of "mom" I tried,
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I nebitno koliko puta ili verzija
tog „mama“ sam isprobao,
tog „mama“ sam isprobao,
02:49
it always felt forced
and deeply uncomfortable.
and deeply uncomfortable.
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uvek se činilo nametnuto
i vrlo neprijatno.
i vrlo neprijatno.
Znao sam da bi većini ljudi bilo lakše
da svare ako me zove „mama“ ili „mamice.“
da svare ako me zove „mama“ ili „mamice.“
02:52
I knew being called "mom" or "mommy"
would be easier to digest for most people.
would be easier to digest for most people.
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02:56
The idea of having two moms
is not super novel,
is not super novel,
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Ideja da dete ima dve mame
nije ništa novo,
nije ništa novo,
02:59
especially where we live.
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pogotovo u mestu gde mi živimo.
03:01
So I tried other words.
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Pa sam pokušao s drugim rečima.
03:03
And when I played around
with "daddy," it felt better.
with "daddy," it felt better.
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Kada sam se poigrao sa „tatice,“
zvučalo je bolje.
zvučalo je bolje.
03:06
Better, but not perfect.
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Bolje, ali ne savršeno.
Kao sa cipelama koje
vam se stvarno sviđaju
vam se stvarno sviđaju
03:09
It felt like a pair of shoes
that you really liked
that you really liked
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03:11
but you needed to wear and break in.
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ali morate prvo da ih razgazite.
03:13
And I knew the idea of being
a female-born person being called "daddy"
a female-born person being called "daddy"
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Znao sam da će ideja da osobu
rođenu kao žena oslovljavaju sa „tatice“
rođenu kao žena oslovljavaju sa „tatice“
03:17
was going to be a harder road
with a lot more uncomfortable moments.
with a lot more uncomfortable moments.
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biti teži put sa mnogo više
neprijatnih trenutaka.
neprijatnih trenutaka.
03:20
But, before I knew it, the time had come
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Ali, vrlo brzo, došao je trenutak
03:22
and Elliot came screaming
into the world, like most babies do,
into the world, like most babies do,
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i Eliot je stigla vrišteći na ovaj svet,
kao i većina beba,
kao i većina beba,
03:25
and my new identity as a parent began.
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i ja sam dobio novi identitet roditelja.
Odlučio sam da postanem tata,
i naša nova porodica se suočila sa svetom.
i naša nova porodica se suočila sa svetom.
03:28
I decided on becoming a daddy,
and our new family faced the world.
and our new family faced the world.
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03:32
Now one of the most common things
that happens when people meet us
that happens when people meet us
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Jedna od najčešćih stvari
koje se dešavaju kada nas neko upozna
koje se dešavaju kada nas neko upozna
je da me oslovljavaju sa „mama.“
03:35
is for people to "mom" me.
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03:36
And when I get "momed", there are
several ways the interaction can go,
several ways the interaction can go,
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Kada me nazovu „mama“, interakcija može
da se nastavi na par načina
da se nastavi na par načina
03:40
and I've drawn this map
to help illustrate my options.
to help illustrate my options.
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pa sam nacrtao ovu mapu
da lakše ilustrujem svoje opcije.
da lakše ilustrujem svoje opcije.
03:43
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:45
So, option one is to ignore the assumption
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Prva opcija je da ignorišem pretpostavku
03:48
and allow folks to continue
to refer to me as "mom,"
to refer to me as "mom,"
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i da dozvolim ljudima da me zovu „mama,“
03:51
which is not awkward for the other party,
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što nije neprijatno drugoj strani,
03:53
but is typically really awkward for us.
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ali je uglavnom baš neprijatno nama.
03:55
And it usually causes me to restrict
my interaction with those people.
my interaction with those people.
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I uglavnom me natera da ograničim
svoju interakciju sa tim ljudima.
svoju interakciju sa tim ljudima.
03:59
Option one.
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To je prva opcija.
04:00
Option two is to stop and correct them
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Druga je da ih zaustavim i ispravim
04:03
and say something like,
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i kažem nešto u smislu:
04:05
"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad"
or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
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„Zapravo, ja sam Eliotin tata“
ili „Eliot me zove ‚tata’.“
ili „Eliot me zove ‚tata’.“
04:08
And when I do this, one or two
of the following things happen.
of the following things happen.
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Kada to uradim, jedna ili dve
od ovih stvari se dese.
od ovih stvari se dese.
04:11
Folks take it in stride
and say something like, "Oh, OK."
and say something like, "Oh, OK."
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Ljudi to prihvate i kažu npr: „Aha, ok.“
04:14
And move on.
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I nastave.
04:16
Or they respond by apologizing profusely
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Ili se duboko izvinjavaju
04:18
because they feel bad or awkward
or guilty or weird.
or guilty or weird.
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jer se osećaju loše ili neprijatno
ili krivo ili čudno.
ili krivo ili čudno.
04:22
But more often, what happens
is folks get really confused
is folks get really confused
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Još češće, ljudi se baš zbune,
04:25
and look up with an intense look
and say something like,
and say something like,
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prodorno pogledaju i kažu nešto u smislu:
04:29
"Does this mean you want to transition?
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„Da li to znači da želiš da promeniš pol?
04:31
Do you want to be a man?"
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Da li želiš da budeš muškarac?“
04:32
Or say things like,
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Ili kažu stvari kao što je:
04:34
"How can she be a father?
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„Kako ona može biti otac?
04:35
Only men can be dads."
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Samo muškarci mogu biti tate.“
04:38
Well, option one is oftentimes
the easier route.
the easier route.
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Prva opcija je uglavnom lakši izbor.
04:40
Option two is always
the more authentic one.
the more authentic one.
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Druga opcija je uvek autentičnija.
Svaki od ovih scenarija uključuje
jedan nivo nelagodnosti,
jedan nivo nelagodnosti,
04:43
And all of these scenarios
involve a level of discomfort,
involve a level of discomfort,
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čak i u najboljem slučaju.
04:46
even in the best case.
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04:47
And I'll say that over time, my ability
to navigate this complicated map
to navigate this complicated map
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Vremenom, moja sposobnost
snalaženja na ovoj složenoj mapi
snalaženja na ovoj složenoj mapi
04:50
has gotten easier.
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je postala bolja.
04:51
But the discomfort is still there.
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Ali, nelagodnost je i dalje tu.
04:53
Now, I won't stand here and pretend
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Ne želim ovde da se pretvaram
04:55
like I've mastered this,
it's pretty far from it.
it's pretty far from it.
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da sam sve ovo usavršio,
daleko je od toga.
daleko je od toga.
04:57
And there are days when I still allow
option one to take place
option one to take place
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Ponekad ipak dozvolim i prvu opciju
05:00
because option two
is just too hard or too risky.
is just too hard or too risky.
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jer je druga previše teška ili rizična.
05:04
There's no way to be sure
of anyone's reaction,
of anyone's reaction,
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Ne možemo verovati ničijoj reakciji,
05:07
and I want to be sure
that folks have good intentions,
that folks have good intentions,
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a ja želim da se uverim
da ljudi imaju dobre namere,
da ljudi imaju dobre namere,
05:10
that people are good.
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da su ljudi dobri.
05:11
But we live in a world
where someone's opinion of my existence
where someone's opinion of my existence
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Ali, živimo u svetu u kome
nečije mišljenje o mom postojanju
nečije mišljenje o mom postojanju
05:14
can be met with serious threats to me
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može naići na ozbiljne pretnje po mene
05:16
or even my family's emotional
or physical safety.
or physical safety.
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ili čak po emocionalnu ili fizičku
bezbednost moje porodice.
bezbednost moje porodice.
05:19
So I weigh the costs against the risks
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Procenim kolika je cena naspram rizika
05:23
and sometimes the safety of my family
comes before my own authenticity.
comes before my own authenticity.
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i ponekad bezbednost moje porodice
ima prednost nad mojom autentičnošću.
ima prednost nad mojom autentičnošću.
05:28
But despite this risk,
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Uprkos riziku,
05:30
I know as Elliot gets older and grows into
her consciousness and language skills,
her consciousness and language skills,
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znam da kada Eliot odraste
i stekne svest i jezičke veštine,
i stekne svest i jezičke veštine,
05:34
if I don't correct people, she will.
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ako ja ne ispravim ljude, ona će.
05:37
I don't want my fears and insecurities
to be placed on her,
to be placed on her,
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Ne želim da svoje strahove i
nesigurnosti nametnem njoj,
nesigurnosti nametnem njoj,
05:40
to dampen her spirit
or make her question her own voice.
or make her question her own voice.
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da oslabim njen duh ili je nateram
da preispituje svoj glas.
da preispituje svoj glas.
05:43
I need to model agency,
authenticity and vulnerability,
authenticity and vulnerability,
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Treba da budem primer snage,
autentičnosti i ranjivosti,
autentičnosti i ranjivosti,
05:46
and that means leaning into those
uncomfortable moments of being "momed"
uncomfortable moments of being "momed"
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a to znači da se upustim
u neprijatne trenutke
u neprijatne trenutke
kada me oslove sa „mama,“
05:50
and standing up and saying,
"No, I'm a dad.
"No, I'm a dad.
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da se odbranim i kažem: „Ne, ja sam tata.
05:53
And I even have
the dad jokes to prove it."
the dad jokes to prove it."
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Čak se i šalim da bih to dokazao.“
05:55
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:58
Now, there have already been
plenty of uncomfortable moments
plenty of uncomfortable moments
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Do sada je već bilo dosta
neprijatnih trenutaka,
neprijatnih trenutaka,
čak i nekih bolnih.
06:01
and even some painful ones.
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Ali je bilo, za samo dve kratke godine,
06:02
But there's also been,
in just two short years,
in just two short years,
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i vrednih i ponekad oblikujućih trenutaka
na mom putovanju kao tate
na mom putovanju kao tate
06:04
validating and at times transformative
moments on my journey as a dad
moments on my journey as a dad
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i mom putu ka autentičnosti.
06:07
and my path towards authenticity.
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06:10
When we got our first sonogram,
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Kada smo išli na prvi ultrazvuk,
06:11
we decided we wanted to know
the sex of the baby.
the sex of the baby.
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odlučili smo da želimo da znamo pol bebe.
06:14
The technician saw a vulva
and slapped the words "It's a girl"
and slapped the words "It's a girl"
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Tehničar je video vulvu
i bacio reči „Devojčica je“
i bacio reči „Devojčica je“
06:17
on the screen and gave us a copy
and sent us on our way.
and sent us on our way.
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na ekran, dao nam kopiju
i poslao nas kući.
i poslao nas kući.
06:21
We shared the photo
with our families like everyone does
with our families like everyone does
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Pokazali smo sliku porodicama
kao što svi rade
kao što svi rade
06:24
and soon after, my mom showed up
at our house with a bag filled --
at our house with a bag filled --
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i ubrzo se moja mama pojavila
u našoj kući sa torbom punom -
u našoj kući sa torbom punom -
06:27
I'm not exaggerating,
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ne preterujem,
06:28
it was like this high and it was filled,
overflowing with pink clothes and toys.
overflowing with pink clothes and toys.
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bila je otprilike ovoliko visoka i puna,
prepuna roze graderobe i igračaka.
prepuna roze graderobe i igračaka.
06:35
Now I was a little annoyed to be
confronted with a lot of pink things,
confronted with a lot of pink things,
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Malo me je nerviralo što vidim
toliko roze stvari,
toliko roze stvari,
06:38
and having studied gender
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a pošto sam istraživao pol
06:39
and spent countless hours teaching
about it in workshops and classrooms,
about it in workshops and classrooms,
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i proveo bezbrojne sate predajući
o tome na radionicama i u učionicama,
o tome na radionicama i u učionicama,
06:43
I thought I was pretty well versed
on the social construction of gender
on the social construction of gender
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mislio sam da sam dobro upućen
u socijalnu konstrukciju pola
u socijalnu konstrukciju pola
06:46
and how sexism is a devaluing
of the feminine
of the feminine
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i u to kako je seksizam
devalvacija ženskog roda
devalvacija ženskog roda
06:49
and how it manifests
both explicitly and implicitly.
both explicitly and implicitly.
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i kako se manifestuje
esplicitno i implicitno.
esplicitno i implicitno.
06:52
But this situation, this aversion
to a bag full of pink stuff,
to a bag full of pink stuff,
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Ali ova situacija, ova averzija
prema torbi punoj roze stvari,
prema torbi punoj roze stvari,
06:57
forced me to explore my rejection
of highly feminized things
of highly feminized things
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naterala me je da ispitam odbacivanje
jako feminiziranih stvari
jako feminiziranih stvari
07:00
in my child's world.
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u svetu svog deteta.
07:03
I realized that I was reinforcing sexism
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Shvatio sam da pojačavam seksizam
07:05
and the cultural norms
I teach as problematic.
I teach as problematic.
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i kulturne norme koje sam podučavao
kao problematične.
kao problematične.
07:08
No matter how much I believed
in gender neutrality in theory,
in gender neutrality in theory,
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Koliko god sam verovao
u rodnu neutralnost u teoriji,
u rodnu neutralnost u teoriji,
07:11
in practice, the absence of femininity
is not neutrality, it's masculinity.
is not neutrality, it's masculinity.
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u praksi, odsustvo ženstvenosti
nije neutralnost, već muževnost.
nije neutralnost, već muževnost.
07:18
If I only dress my baby
in greens and blues and grays,
in greens and blues and grays,
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Ako svoje dete oblačim
samo u zeleno, plavo i sivo,
samo u zeleno, plavo i sivo,
07:21
the outside world doesn't think,
"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
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spoljni svet neće misliti:
„Jao, baš slatka polno-neutralna beba.“
„Jao, baš slatka polno-neutralna beba.“
07:25
They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."
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Misliće: „Jao, baš sladak dečak.“
07:28
So my theoretical understanding of gender
and my parenting world collided hard.
and my parenting world collided hard.
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Moje teoretsko razumevanje pola
i roditeljstvo su se snažno sukobili.
i roditeljstvo su se snažno sukobili.
07:32
Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys
for my child to experience.
for my child to experience.
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Da, želim raznolikost boja
i igračaka za moje dete.
i igračaka za moje dete.
Želim uravnoteženu sredinu
koju može da istražuje
koju može da istražuje
07:36
I want a balanced
environment for her to explore
environment for her to explore
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07:38
and make sense of in her own way.
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i razume na svoj način.
07:40
We even picked a gender-neutral name
for our female-born child.
for our female-born child.
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Čak smo izabrali i polno-neutralno ime
za našu devojčicu.
za našu devojčicu.
07:43
But gender neutrality is much easier
as a theoretical endeavor
as a theoretical endeavor
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Polna neutralnost je mnogo lakši
poduhvat u teoriji
poduhvat u teoriji
07:46
than it is as a practice.
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nego što je u praksi.
07:48
And in my attempts
to create gender neutrality,
to create gender neutrality,
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U svojim pokušajima da stvorim
polnu neutralnost,
polnu neutralnost,
07:51
I was inadvertently privileging
masculinity over femininity.
masculinity over femininity.
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nehotice sam privilegovao
muževnost naspram ženstvenosti.
muževnost naspram ženstvenosti.
07:55
So, rather than toning down
or eliminating femininity in our lives,
or eliminating femininity in our lives,
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Dakle, umesto da ublažavamo
ili eliminišemo ženstvenost u životima,
ili eliminišemo ženstvenost u životima,
07:58
we make a concerted effort
to celebrate it.
to celebrate it.
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zajednički smo se trudili da je slavimo.
08:01
We have pinks among the variety of colors,
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Imamo roze među mnogim drugim bojama,
08:03
we balance out the cutes with handsomes
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izbalansirali smo slatko sa zgodnim
08:05
and the prettys with strongs and smarts
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i lepo sa jakim i pametnim
i jako se trudimo da ne povezujemo
nikakve reči sa polom.
nikakve reči sa polom.
08:07
and work really hard
not to associate any words with gender.
not to associate any words with gender.
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08:10
We value femininity and masculinity
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Vrednujemo ženstvenost i muževnost
08:13
while also being highly critical of it.
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a ujedno smo i vrlo kritični prema tome.
08:15
And do our best to not make her feel
limited by gender roles.
limited by gender roles.
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Dajemo sve od sebe da se ne oseća
ograničeno polnim ulogama.
ograničeno polnim ulogama.
08:18
And we do all this in hopes
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I sve to radimo u nadi
08:20
that we model a healthy and empowered
relationship with gender for our kid.
relationship with gender for our kid.
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da ćemo stvoriti zdravu i motivisanu
vezu sa polom za svoje dete.
vezu sa polom za svoje dete.
08:25
Now this work to develop a healthy
relationship with gender for Elliot
relationship with gender for Elliot
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Ovaj napor da razvijemo zdravu
vezu sa polom za Eliot
vezu sa polom za Eliot
naterao me je da preispitam i procenim
kako sam dopustio seksizmu da se ispolji
kako sam dopustio seksizmu da se ispolji
08:28
made me rethink and evaluate
how I allowed sexism to manifest
how I allowed sexism to manifest
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08:31
in my own gender identity.
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u mom polnom identitetu.
08:33
I began to reevaluate
how I was rejecting femininity
how I was rejecting femininity
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Počeo sam da preispitujem
kako sam odbacivao ženstvenost
kako sam odbacivao ženstvenost
08:36
in order to live up to a masculinity
that was not healthy
that was not healthy
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kako bih dostigao muževnost
koja nije bila zdrava
koja nije bila zdrava
niti nešto što sam želeo
da prenesem dalje.
da prenesem dalje.
08:39
or something I wanted to pass on.
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08:41
Doing this self-work
meant I had to reject option one.
meant I had to reject option one.
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Ovaj rad na sebi je podrazumevao
odbacivanje prve opcije.
odbacivanje prve opcije.
08:44
I couldn't ignore and move on.
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Nisam mogao da ignorišem i nastavim.
08:46
I had to choose option two.
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Morao sam da odaberem drugu opciju.
Morao sam da aktiviram neke
od svojih najneprijatnijih delova
od svojih najneprijatnijih delova
08:48
I had to engage with some
of my most uncomfortable parts
of my most uncomfortable parts
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08:51
to move towards my most authentic self.
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kako bih se približio
svojoj autentičnosti.
svojoj autentičnosti.
08:53
And that meant I had to get real
about the discomfort I have with my body.
about the discomfort I have with my body.
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A to je značilo da moram biti realan
o nelagodi koju osećam prema svom telu.
o nelagodi koju osećam prema svom telu.
08:58
It's pretty common for trans people
to feel uncomfortable in their body,
to feel uncomfortable in their body,
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Vrlo je uobičajeno za trans osobe
da se osećaju neprijatno u svom telu,
da se osećaju neprijatno u svom telu,
a ta neprijatnost može ići
od isrcpljujuće do iritantne
od isrcpljujuće do iritantne
09:02
and this discomfort can range
from debilitating to annoying
from debilitating to annoying
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i između.
09:04
and everywhere in between.
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09:06
And learning my body and how
to be comfortable in it as a trans person
to be comfortable in it as a trans person
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Učiti o mom telu, i kako da mi u njemu
bude prijatno kao trans osobi
bude prijatno kao trans osobi
09:09
has been a lifelong journey.
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je bilo dugogodišnje putovanje.
09:11
I've always struggled
with the parts of my body
with the parts of my body
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Uvek sam se mučio sa delovima svog tela
koji se mogu definisati kao ženstveniji -
09:13
that can be defined as more feminine --
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sa svojim grudima, kukovima, glasom.
09:15
my chest, my hips, my voice.
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09:17
And I've made the sometimes hard,
sometimes easy decision
sometimes easy decision
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Doneo sam tu ponekad tešku,
ponekad laku odluku
ponekad laku odluku
da ne uzimam hormone ili
idem na operacije da ga promenim
idem na operacije da ga promenim
09:20
to not take hormones
or have any surgeries to change it
or have any surgeries to change it
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kako bih bio muževniji
prema društvenim standardima.
prema društvenim standardima.
09:23
to make myself more masculine
by society's standards.
by society's standards.
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09:27
And while I certainly haven't overcome
all the feelings of dissatisfaction,
all the feelings of dissatisfaction,
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Iako definitivno nisam prevazišao
sva osećanja nezadovoljstva,
sva osećanja nezadovoljstva,
shvatio sam da, ako se ne bavim
tom neprijatnošću
tom neprijatnošću
09:30
I realized that by not engaging
with that discomfort
with that discomfort
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i ne postignem pozitivnu
i afirmišuću sliku o svom telu,
i afirmišuću sliku o svom telu,
09:33
and coming to a positive
and affirming place with my body,
and affirming place with my body,
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podstičem seksizam, transfobiju
i dajem primer sramljenja od tela.
i dajem primer sramljenja od tela.
09:36
I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia
and modeling body shaming.
and modeling body shaming.
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09:40
If I hate my body,
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Ako mrzim svoje telo,
09:42
in particular, the parts
society deems feminine or female,
society deems feminine or female,
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pogotovo one delove koje
društvo smatra ženstvenim ili ženskim,
društvo smatra ženstvenim ili ženskim,
09:45
I potentially damage how my kid
can see the possibilities of her body
can see the possibilities of her body
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potencijalno narušavam način na koji
moje dete vidi mogućnosti svog tela
moje dete vidi mogućnosti svog tela
09:49
and her feminine and female parts.
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i svoje ženstvene i ženske delove.
09:51
If I hate or am uncomfortable
with my body,
with my body,
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Ako mrzim svoje telo
ili mi je u njemu neprijatno,
ili mi je u njemu neprijatno,
09:54
how can I expect my kid to love hers?
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kako da očekujem da moje dete voli svoje?
Bilo bi mi lakše da izaberem prvu opciju:
09:57
Now it would be easier for me
to choose option one:
to choose option one:
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da ignorišem svoje dete kada me pita
za moje telo ili da ga krijem od nje.
za moje telo ili da ga krijem od nje.
10:01
to ignore my kid when she asks me
about my body or to hide it from her.
about my body or to hide it from her.
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10:04
But I have to choose option two every day.
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Ali svakog dana moram
da biram drugu opciju.
da biram drugu opciju.
10:07
I have to confront my own assumptions
about what a dad's body can and should be.
about what a dad's body can and should be.
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I da se suočim sa svojim pretpostavkama
o tome šta bi telo tate moglo
i trebalo da bude.
i trebalo da bude.
10:11
So I work every day to try
and be more comfortable in this body
and be more comfortable in this body
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Svakog dana radim na tome
da mi bude prijatnije u ovom telu
da mi bude prijatnije u ovom telu
10:15
and in the ways I express femininity.
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i u tome kako izražavam ženstvenost.
10:17
So I talk about it more,
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Zato o tome više pričam,
10:18
I explore the depths of this discomfort
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istražujem dubine te neprijatnosti
10:20
and find language
that I feel comfortable with.
that I feel comfortable with.
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i pronalazim jezik koji mi je prijatan.
Ova svakodnevna nelagoda mi je pomogla
da izgradim sredstvo i autentičnost
da izgradim sredstvo i autentičnost
10:22
And this daily discomfort helps me build
both agency and authenticity
both agency and authenticity
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10:26
in how I show up in my body
and in my gender.
and in my gender.
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u predstavljanju u svom telu i polu.
10:28
I'm working against limiting myself.
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Radim na tome da se ne ograničavam.
10:31
I want to show her
that a dad can have hips,
that a dad can have hips,
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Želim da joj pokažem da tata
može imati kukove,
može imati kukove,
10:33
a dad doesn't have to have
a perfectly flat chest
a perfectly flat chest
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da ne mora da ima savršeno ravne grudi
10:35
or even be able to grow facial hair.
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i da čak ne mora da ima dlake na licu.
A kada bude dovoljno odrasla,
10:38
And when she's developmentally able to,
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želim da pričam sa njom
o mom putovanju sa mojim telom.
o mom putovanju sa mojim telom.
10:40
I want to talk to her
about my journey with my body.
about my journey with my body.
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10:42
I want her to see my journey
towards authenticity
towards authenticity
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Želim da ona vidi moj put ka autentičnosti
čak i kada to znači da treba
da joj pokažem i ružnije delove.
da joj pokažem i ružnije delove.
10:45
even when it means showing her
the messier parts.
the messier parts.
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Imamo divnog pedijatra
10:49
We have a wonderful pediatrician
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i ostvarili smo dobru vezu
sa doktorom našeg deteta.
sa doktorom našeg deteta.
10:50
and have established a good relationship
with our kid's doctor.
with our kid's doctor.
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I kao što svi znate,
iako imate istog doktora,
iako imate istog doktora,
10:53
And as you all know,
while your doctor stays the same,
while your doctor stays the same,
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medicinske sestre i tehničari
se stalno menjaju.
se stalno menjaju.
10:56
your nurses and nurse practitioners
change in and out.
change in and out.
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10:59
And when Elliot was first born,
we took her to the pediatrician
we took her to the pediatrician
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Još kada se Eliot rodila,
odveli smo je kod pedijatra
odveli smo je kod pedijatra
i upoznali se sa prvom sestrom -
zvaćemo je Sara.
zvaćemo je Sara.
11:02
and we met our first nurse --
we'll call her Sarah.
we'll call her Sarah.
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11:04
Very early in in our time with Sarah,
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Odmah na početku sa Sarom
11:06
we told her how I was
going to be called "dad"
going to be called "dad"
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2143
rekli smo joj da treba da me zove „tata“
11:08
and my partner is "mama."
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1427
a moju partnerku „mama“.
11:10
Sarah was one of those folks
that took it in stride,
that took it in stride,
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Sara je bila jedna od onih
koji su to lagano podneli,
koji su to lagano podneli,
11:12
and our subsequent visits
went pretty smoothly.
went pretty smoothly.
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i naše naredne posete
su prošle vrlo glatko.
su prošle vrlo glatko.
Oko godinu dana kasnije,
Sara je promenila smenu
Sara je promenila smenu
11:15
And about a year later,
Sarah switched shifts
Sarah switched shifts
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11:17
and we started working
with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
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i počeli smo da radimo sa
novom sestrom - zvaćemo je Beki.
novom sestrom - zvaćemo je Beki.
Sa njom nismo obavili isti razgovor
11:20
We didn't get in front
of the dad conversations
of the dad conversations
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11:22
and it didn't actually come up
until Sarah, our original nurse,
until Sarah, our original nurse,
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sve dok Sara, prva sestra,
nije došla da nam se javi.
11:25
walked in to say hi.
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Sara je prijatna i vesela i javila se
Eliot, meni i mojoj supruzi
Eliot, meni i mojoj supruzi
11:26
Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi
to Elliot and me and my wife
to Elliot and me and my wife
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i dok se obraćala Eliot
rekla je nešto u smislu:
rekla je nešto u smislu:
11:29
and when talking to Elliot
said something like,
said something like,
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„Da li tvoj tata drži tvoju igračku?“
11:31
"Is your daddy holding your toy?"
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11:33
Now out of the corner of my eye,
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Krajičkom svog oka,
11:35
I could see Becky
swing around in her chair
swing around in her chair
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mogao sam videti Beki
kako se vrti u svojoj stolici
kako se vrti u svojoj stolici
11:37
and make daggers at Sarah.
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i pogledom strelja Saru.
11:40
And as the conversation shifted
to our pediatrician,
to our pediatrician,
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Kada se razgovor prebacio
na našeg pedijatra,
na našeg pedijatra,
video sam nastavak Sarinog i Bekinog
razgovora koji je išao otprilike ovako.
razgovora koji je išao otprilike ovako.
11:42
I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction
continue, and it went something like this.
continue, and it went something like this.
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Beki, odmahuje glavom „ne“
i izgovara reč „mama.“
i izgovara reč „mama.“
11:46
Becky, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "mom."
and mouthing the word "mom."
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11:50
Sarah, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "no, dad."
and mouthing the word "no, dad."
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Sara, odmahuje glavom „ne“
i izgovara „ne, tata.“
i izgovara „ne, tata.“
11:55
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
Neprijatno, zar ne?
11:57
Awkward, right?
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Ovo se nastavilo još par puta
u potpunoj tišini
u potpunoj tišini
11:58
So this went back and forth
in total silence a few more times
in total silence a few more times
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dok nismo otišli.
12:01
until we walked away.
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12:03
Now, this interaction has stuck with me.
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Ovaj razgovor mi je ostao u pamćenju-
12:05
Sarah could have chosen option one,
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Sara je mogla da odabere prvu opciju,
12:07
ignored Becky, and let her
refer to me as mom.
refer to me as mom.
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da ignoriše Beki, i pusti je
da me zove mama.
da me zove mama.
12:11
It would have been easier for Sarah.
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To bi bilo lakše za nju.
12:13
She could have put the responsibility
back on me or not said anything at all.
back on me or not said anything at all.
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Mogla je da prebaci odgovornost na mene
ili da uopšte ne kaže ništa.
ili da uopšte ne kaže ništa.
12:16
But in that moment, she chose option two.
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Ali u tom trenutku,
odabrala je drugu opciju.
odabrala je drugu opciju.
12:19
She chose to confront the assumptions
and affirm my existence.
and affirm my existence.
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A to je da se suprotstavi pretpostavkama
i da potvrdi moje postojanje.
i da potvrdi moje postojanje.
12:23
She insisted that a person
who looks and sounds like me
who looks and sounds like me
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Insistirala je da osoba
koja izgleda i zvuči kao ja
koja izgleda i zvuči kao ja
može zapravo biti tata.
12:26
can in fact be a dad.
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12:27
And in a small but meaningful way,
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I na mali ali značajan način,
12:29
advocated for me,
my authenticity and my family.
my authenticity and my family.
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založila se za mene,
moju autentičnost i porodicu.
moju autentičnost i porodicu.
12:33
Unfortunately, we live in a world
that refuses to acknowledge trans people
that refuses to acknowledge trans people
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Nažalost, živimo u svetu koji odbija
da prihvati trans osobe
da prihvati trans osobe
i raznolikost trans osoba uopšte.
12:38
and the diversity
of trans people in general.
of trans people in general.
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12:41
And my hope is that when confronted
with an opportunity
with an opportunity
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Nadam se da ćemo,
kada nam se pruži prilika
kada nam se pruži prilika
da se zauzmemo za nekog,
12:44
to stand up for someone else,
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preduzeti nešto kao što je Sara učinila,
čak i ako to podrazumeva rizik.
čak i ako to podrazumeva rizik.
12:46
we all take action like Sarah,
even when there's risk involved.
even when there's risk involved.
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Ponekad se čini da je biti
dženderkvir tata previše riskantno.
dženderkvir tata previše riskantno.
12:50
So some days, the risk of being
a genderqueer dad feels too much.
a genderqueer dad feels too much.
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12:55
And deciding to be a dad
has been really hard.
has been really hard.
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Odluka da budem tata je bila jako teška.
I siguran sam da će i dalje biti najteže,
12:57
And I'm sure it will continue
to be the hardest,
to be the hardest,
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ali i najdragocenije iskustvo
u mom životu.
u mom životu.
13:00
yet the most rewarding
experience of my life.
experience of my life.
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13:02
But despite this challenge,
every day has felt 100 percent worth it.
every day has felt 100 percent worth it.
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Uprkos izazovu, svakoga dana
shvatam da je stopostotno vredelo.
shvatam da je stopostotno vredelo.
13:06
So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot
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Svakog dana potvrđujem obećanje dato Eliot
13:09
and that same promise to myself.
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i isto to obećanje sebi.
Da jako volim nju i sebe
13:12
To love her and myself hard
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13:14
with forgiveness and compassion,
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sa praštanjem i saosećanjem,
13:16
with tough love and with generosity.
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grubom ljubavi i velikodušnošću.
13:19
To give room for growth,
to push beyond comfort
to push beyond comfort
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Da pružim mesta za rast,
guram van granice komfora
guram van granice komfora
u nadi da ću dostići
i živeti značajniji život.
i živeti značajniji život.
13:22
in hopes of attaining and living
a more meaningful life.
a more meaningful life.
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13:26
I know in my head and in my heart
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U svojoj glavi i srcu znam
da nas čekaju teški i bolni
i neprijatni dani.
i neprijatni dani.
13:27
that there are hard and painful
and uncomfortable days ahead.
and uncomfortable days ahead.
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Moj razum i srce takođe znaju
13:31
My head and my heart also know
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13:32
that all of it will lead
to a more rich, authentic life
to a more rich, authentic life
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da sve to vodi bogatijem,
autentičnijem životu
autentičnijem životu
13:35
that I can look back on without regrets.
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na koji ću moći da se osvrnem
bez žaljenja.
bez žaljenja.
13:38
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
(Aplauz)
13:39
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
LB Hannahs - EducatorLB Hannahs facilitates change by leaning into discomfort and centering authenticity.
Why you should listen
By reimagining gender and justice in parenting, LB Hannahs works to find more and better ways to develop socially conscious kids in the modern world. As a scholar-practitioner, Hannahs develops strategies to help organizations through change while working to make them more equitable and just. They are the Special Assistant to the Vice President for Student Affairs at the University Florida and is finishing a PhD in Higher Education Administration, researching the impact of diversity policies on higher education. Hannahs also serves as the Chair for Strategic Development Initiatives for the National Consortium of Higher Education LGBT Resource Professionals.
LB Hannahs | Speaker | TED.com