TED Residency
Sue Jaye Johnson: What we don't teach kids about sex
Sue Jaye Johnson: Mida me lastele seksi kohta ei õpeta
Filmed:
Readability: 3
3,419,225 views
Vanematena on meie ülesanne õpetada oma lastele ka seksiga seonduvat. Siiski on lisaks “nendele” asjadele, mis puudutavad eelkõige bioloogiat ja paljunemist, palju muudki, mida võiksime neile oma keha tunnetamise ja aistingute kohta rääkida. Sue Johnson räägib südamlikult ja avameelselt sellest, kuidas saaksime lapsevanematena viia jutuajamise “nendest” asjadest uuele tasemele. Ta tutvustab “nende” teemade käsitlemise versiooni 2.0, selgitades, kuidas saaksime õpetada lastele oma füüsilistele aistingute tunnetamisele häälestumist ning tunnetuslikku keeloskust, mis võimaldab neil kõneleda oma vajadustest ja emotsioonidest, ilma, et peaks end tundetulva all väljalülitama ja tundetuks muutuma.
Sue Jaye Johnson - Journalist, filmmaker, writer
TED Resident Sue Jaye Johnson explores the ways cultural expectations shape our public and private behavior. Full bio
TED Resident Sue Jaye Johnson explores the ways cultural expectations shape our public and private behavior. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
Ma mäletan, kuidas lapsena
mu tädi kammis mu juukseid.
mu tädi kammis mu juukseid.
00:12
I remember my aunt
brushing my hair when I was a child.
brushing my hair when I was a child.
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00:16
I felt this tingling in my stomach,
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Tundsin sellist surisevat
tunnet oma kõhus,
tunnet oma kõhus,
00:18
this swelling in my belly.
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miski justkui paisus mu sees.
00:21
All her attention on me,
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Kõik ta tähelepanu oli minul,
00:23
just me.
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ainult minul.
00:25
My beautiful Aunt Bea,
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Mu kaunis tädi Bea,
00:27
stroking my hair
with a fine-bristled brush.
with a fine-bristled brush.
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kes kammib mu juukseid
pehme juukseharjaga.
pehme juukseharjaga.
00:31
Do you have a memory like that
that you can feel in your body right now?
that you can feel in your body right now?
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On teil ka mõni selline mälestus,
mida võite praegugi oma kehas tunda?
mida võite praegugi oma kehas tunda?
00:35
Before language,
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Enne kõnelemist
tunnetame kõike kehaliselt.
tunnetame kõike kehaliselt.
00:37
we're all sensation.
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Lapsed õpivad nii iseennast
muust maailmast eristama,
muust maailmast eristama,
00:39
As children, that's how we learn
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00:40
to differentiate ourselves
in the world -- through touch.
in the world -- through touch.
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läbi puudutuste.
Kõik pannakse suhu, võetakse
kätte, vastu nahka.
kätte, vastu nahka.
00:43
Everything goes in the mouth,
the hands, on the skin.
the hands, on the skin.
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00:47
Sensation --
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See tunne --
00:48
it is the way that we first
experience love.
experience love.
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nii tunnetame esmakordselt armastust.
00:52
It's the basis of human connection.
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See on inimkontakti aluseks.
00:56
We want our children to grow up
to have healthy intimate relationships.
to have healthy intimate relationships.
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Tahame, et me lastel oleks suureks
kasvades intiimsuhtetega kõik hästi.
kasvades intiimsuhtetega kõik hästi.
01:00
So as parents,
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Nii püüame lapsevanematena
lastele õpetada ka seksiga seonduvat
lastele õpetada ka seksiga seonduvat
01:01
one of the things that we do
is we teach our children about sex.
is we teach our children about sex.
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01:04
We have books to help us,
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Meile on abiks raamatud,
01:06
we have sex ed at school for the basics.
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koolis räägitakse seksuaalõpetuse
tunnis põhilised asjad ära.
tunnis põhilised asjad ära.
01:08
There's porn to fill in the gaps --
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Siis on veel porno, et täita lüngad --
01:11
and it will fill in the gaps.
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ja see täidab lüngad.
01:13
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
01:14
We teach our children "the talk"
about biology and mechanics,
about biology and mechanics,
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Räägime oma lastele, kuidas asjad
käivad bioloogia ja tehnika mõttes,
käivad bioloogia ja tehnika mõttes,
01:18
about pregnancy and safe sex,
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räägime rasedusest ja turvaseksist.
01:20
and that's what our kids grow up thinking
that sex is pretty much all about.
that sex is pretty much all about.
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See on see ettekujutus,
mis lastel siis seksi kohta tekib.
mis lastel siis seksi kohta tekib.
01:24
But we can do better than that.
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Kuid seda kõike võiks teha paremini.
01:26
We can teach our sons and daughters
about pleasure and desire,
about pleasure and desire,
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Me saame oma poegadele ja tütardele
õpetada, mis on nauding ja iha,
õpetada, mis on nauding ja iha,
01:31
about consent and boundaries,
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mis on nõusolek ja piirid,
01:33
about what it feels like
to be present in their body
to be present in their body
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mis tunne on end oma
kehas hästi tunda
kehas hästi tunda
ja osata tunda ka seda,
kui see nii ei ole.
kui see nii ei ole.
01:37
and to know when they're not.
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01:39
And we do that in the ways
that we model touch, play,
that we model touch, play,
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Seda saab õpetada nii, nagu näitame,
kuidas puudutada, kuidas mängida,
kuidas puudutada, kuidas mängida,
01:43
make eye contact --
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kuidas luua silmsidet --
01:45
all the ways that we engage their senses.
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täpselt samamoodi, kui õpetame
lapsi erinevaid meeli rakendama.
lapsi erinevaid meeli rakendama.
Lastele ei peaks rääkima
mitte ainult seksist,
mitte ainult seksist,
01:48
We can teach our children
not just about sex,
not just about sex,
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vaid ka sensuaalsusest.
01:50
but about sensuality.
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01:54
This is the kind of talk
that I needed as a girl.
that I needed as a girl.
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Just sellist jutuajamist oleksin
ma ise tüdrukuna vajanud.
ma ise tüdrukuna vajanud.
01:56
I was extremely sensitive,
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Ma olin ääretult tundlik,
01:58
but by the time I was an adolescent,
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kuid teismeliseikka jõudes,
02:00
I had numbed out.
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olin muutunud tundetuks.
02:02
The shame of boys mocking my changing body
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See piinlikkus, kui poisid norisid
mind muutuva keha pärast
mind muutuva keha pärast
02:04
and then girls exiling me for,
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ja tüdrukud jällegi tõrjusid mind,
02:06
ironically, my interest in boys,
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paradoksaalselt, nagu mind
justkui oleks huvitanud poisid,
justkui oleks huvitanud poisid,
02:09
it was so much.
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seda kõike oli liiga palju.
02:13
I didn't have any language
for what I was experiencing;
for what I was experiencing;
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Ma ei osanud oma tundeid sõnadesse panna,
ma ei teadnud, et see läheb mööda.
02:15
I didn't know it was going to pass.
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Tol hetkel tundus parim lahendus olevat
02:17
So I did the best thing
I could at the time
I could at the time
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02:20
and I checked out.
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end lihtsalt välja lülitada.
Selliseid keerulisi tundeid pole
võimalik kuidagi isoleerida,
võimalik kuidagi isoleerida,
02:22
And you can't isolate
just the difficult feelings,
just the difficult feelings,
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02:24
so I lost access to the joy,
the pleasure, the play,
the pleasure, the play,
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ja nii kadus mu elust ka
rõõm, nauding ja mäng.
rõõm, nauding ja mäng.
02:27
and I spent decades like that,
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Elasin sedasi aastaid ja aastaid
koos oma vaikse depressiooniga,
koos oma vaikse depressiooniga,
02:28
with this his low-grade depression,
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02:30
thinking that this is
what it meant to be a grown-up.
what it meant to be a grown-up.
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arvates, et täiskasvanu elu ongi selline.
Viimase aasta jooksul
02:35
For the past year,
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olen intervjueerinud mehi ja naisi
seksiga seotud teemadel
seksiga seotud teemadel
02:36
I've been interviewing men and women
about their relationship to sex
about their relationship to sex
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ja olen oma lugu kuulnud palju kordi.
02:39
and I've heard my story again and again.
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Tüdrukud, kellele öeldi, et
nad on lihtsalt liiga tundlikud.
nad on lihtsalt liiga tundlikud.
02:41
Girls who were told
they were too sensitive, too much.
they were too sensitive, too much.
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Poisid, keda õpetati olema mehelikumad --
02:44
Boys who were taught to man up --
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02:46
"don't be so emotional."
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"Ära ole nii emotsionaalne."
02:48
I learned I was not alone in checking out.
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Sain aru, et ma ei ole ainus
kes on end välja lülitanud.
kes on end välja lülitanud.
02:54
It was my daughter who reminded me
of how much I used to feel.
of how much I used to feel.
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Tänu aga oma tütrele tuli mulle meelde,
kui paljut ma kunagi tundsin.
kui paljut ma kunagi tundsin.
Olime rannas.
03:00
We were at the beach.
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Selliseid päevi ei ole tihti.
03:01
It was this rare day.
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03:03
I turned off my cell phone,
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Lülitasin oma telefoni välja,
03:05
put in the calendar,
"Day at the beach with the girls."
"Day at the beach with the girls."
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kirjutasin kalendrisse
“Päev tüdrukutega rannas.”
“Päev tüdrukutega rannas.”
03:08
I laid our towels down
just out of reach of the surf
just out of reach of the surf
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Panin me rannalinad maha
veepiiri lähedale ja jäin tukkuma.
veepiiri lähedale ja jäin tukkuma.
03:12
and fell asleep.
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03:14
And when I woke up,
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Ja kui ma ärkasin,
03:15
I saw my daughter
drizzling sand on her arm like this,
drizzling sand on her arm like this,
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nägin oma tütart oma käele
liiva niristamas,
liiva niristamas,
03:21
and I could feel that light tickle
of sand on her skin
of sand on her skin
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ja ma tundsin seda kerget
liiva kõditust ta nahal
liiva kõditust ta nahal
03:27
and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.
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ja mulle meenus kuidas tädi
kammis mu juukseid.
kammis mu juukseid.
03:31
So I curled up next to her
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Keerasin end tema poole
03:32
and I drizzled sand on her other arm
and then her legs.
and then her legs.
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ja niristasin liiva ta teisele käele
ja siis ta jalgade peale.
ja siis ta jalgade peale.
03:37
And then I said,
"Hey, you want me to bury you?"
"Hey, you want me to bury you?"
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Ütlesin, “Kuule, kas tahat
tahad, et ma mataksin sind ära?”
tahad, et ma mataksin sind ära?”
03:41
And her eyes got really big
and she was like, "Yeah!"
and she was like, "Yeah!"
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Ta silmad läksid nii suureks
ja ta ütles "Jaa!"
ja ta ütles "Jaa!"
03:43
So we dug a hole
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Ning me kaevasime augu,
03:45
and I covered her in sand and shells
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ma katsin ta liiva ja merekarpidega
03:46
and drew this little mermaid tail.
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ja joonistasin talle väikese
näkineiu saba.
näkineiu saba.
03:49
And then I took her home
and lathered her up in the shower
and lathered her up in the shower
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Ja seejärel viisin ta koju,
seebitasin ta duši all sisse
seebitasin ta duši all sisse
03:52
and massaged her scalp
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ja masseerisin ta peanahka
03:53
and I dried her off in a towel.
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ning kuivatasin teda rätikuga.
03:55
And I thought,
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Ja ma mõtlesin,
03:57
"Ah. How many times had I done that --
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"Kui palju kordi olen seda teinud --
03:59
bathed her and dried her off --
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pesnud ja kuivatanud teda --
04:01
but had I ever stopped and paid attention
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ilma hetkekski peatumata,
et pöörata tähelepanu
et pöörata tähelepanu
04:03
to the sensations
that I was creating for her?"
that I was creating for her?"
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aistingutele, mida talle tekitasin?
Olen teinud seda nii,
04:07
I'd been treating her
like she was on some assembly line
like she was on some assembly line
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nagu oleks ta mingil laste riietamise,
toitmise ja magamapaneku konveieril.
toitmise ja magamapaneku konveieril.
04:10
of children needing to be fed
and put to bed.
and put to bed.
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Ja ma sain aru,
04:13
And I realized
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04:14
that when I dry my daughter off
in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
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et kui ma kuivatan oma tütart
hästi hellalt nagu armastaja,
hästi hellalt nagu armastaja,
04:19
I'm teaching her
to expect that kind of touch.
to expect that kind of touch.
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õpetan ma teda ootama,
et teda just nii puudutataksegi.
et teda just nii puudutataksegi.
04:24
I'm teaching her in that moment
about intimacy.
about intimacy.
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Ma õpetan talle sel hetkel intiimsust.
04:27
About how to love her body
and respect her body.
and respect her body.
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Kuidas armastada oma keha
ja austada oma keha.
ja austada oma keha.
04:31
I realized there are parts of the talk
that can't be conveyed in words.
that can't be conveyed in words.
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Sain aru, et osa “nendest" asjadest
ei saagi selgitada sõnadega.
ei saagi selgitada sõnadega.
04:37
In her book, "Girls and Sex,"
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Oma raamatus "Girls and Sex"
04:38
writer Peggy Orenstein finds
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märgib kirjanik Peggy Orenstein,
04:41
that young women are focusing
on their partner's pleasure,
on their partner's pleasure,
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et noored naised keskenduvad
oma partneri naudingule,
oma partneri naudingule,
04:44
not their own.
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mitte iseenda omale.
04:47
This is something I'm going to talk about
with my girls when they're older,
with my girls when they're older,
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See on midagi, millest ma räägin
oma tütardega, kui nad on vanemad,
oma tütardega, kui nad on vanemad,
kuid praegu püüan leida aidata
neil mõista, mis pakub neile naudingut
neil mõista, mis pakub neile naudingut
04:50
but for now, I look for ways to help them
identify what gives them pleasure
identify what gives them pleasure
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04:54
and to practice articulating that.
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ja harjutada selle väljendamist.
04:58
"Rub my back," my daughter says
when I tuck her in.
when I tuck her in.
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“Masseeri mu selga," ütleb mu tütar
enne magamaminekut.
enne magamaminekut.
05:01
And I say, "OK, how do you want me
to rub your back?"
to rub your back?"
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Ma vastan "Okei, kuidas sa tahad,
et ma su selga masseerin?"
et ma su selga masseerin?"
05:05
"I don't know," she says.
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“Ma ei tea," ütleb ta.
05:07
So I pause, waiting for her directions.
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Ma vaikin, ootan ta juhendeid.
05:10
Finally she says,
"OK, up and to the right,
"OK, up and to the right,
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Lõpuks ta ütleb: "Okei, üles ja paremale,
05:12
like you're tickling me."
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nagu sa kõditaksid mind."
05:14
I run my fingertips up her spine.
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Ma libistan oma sõrmed üle ta selgroo.
05:16
"What else?" I ask.
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"Mis veel?" küsin.
05:18
"Over to the left, a little harder now."
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"Vasakule poole, pisut tugevamalt nüüd."
05:21
We need to teach our children
how to articulate their sensations
how to articulate their sensations
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Me peame õpetama lastele,
kuidas väljendada oma aistinguid,
kuidas väljendada oma aistinguid,
05:25
so they're familiar with them.
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et nad oskaksid neid ära tunda.
05:27
I look for ways to play games
with my girls at home to do this.
with my girls at home to do this.
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Püüan seda oma tüdrukutele
õpetada läbi mängu.
õpetada läbi mängu.
05:30
I scratch my fingernails
on my daughter's arm and say,
on my daughter's arm and say,
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Tõmban küüntega üle
oma tütre käe ja ütlen:
oma tütre käe ja ütlen:
“Ütle üks sõna selle kirjeldamiseks."
05:33
"Give me one word to describe this."
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05:35
"Violent," she says.
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"Vägivaldne," vastab ta.
05:38
I embrace her, hold her tight.
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Ma kallistan teda, hoian tugevasti.
05:40
"Protected," she tells me.
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"Kaitstud," ütleb ta mulle.
05:43
I find opportunities
to tell them how I'm feeling,
to tell them how I'm feeling,
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Ma leian võimalusi, et
öelda neile, kuidas ma end tunnen,
öelda neile, kuidas ma end tunnen,
05:46
what I'm experiencing,
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mida ma kogen,
05:47
so we have common language.
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et meil oleks ühine keel.
05:48
Like right now,
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Nagu praegu, kui tunnen kuklast
mööda selga alla minevat surinat,
mööda selga alla minevat surinat,
05:50
this tingling in my scalp down my spine
means I'm nervous and I'm excited.
means I'm nervous and I'm excited.
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mis tähendab, et olen närvis ja elevil.
05:55
You are likely experiencing sensations
in response to me.
in response to me.
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Teie ehk tunnete samuti mingeid
aistinguid reaktsioonina minule.
aistinguid reaktsioonina minule.
05:59
The language I'm using,
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Sõnad, mida kasutan,
06:01
the ideas I'm sharing.
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mõtted, mida jagan.
06:03
And our tendency
is to judge these reactions
is to judge these reactions
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Ja me kipume andma neile
reaktsioonidele hinnangut,
reaktsioonidele hinnangut,
lahterdama nad headeks ja halbadeks
06:06
and sort them into a hierarchy:
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06:08
better or worse,
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ja püüame neid taas kogeda või vältida.
06:09
and then seek or avoid them.
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06:12
And that's because we live
in this binary culture
in this binary culture
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See on sellepärast, et elame
binaarses kultuuris
binaarses kultuuris
06:14
and we're taught from a very young age
to sort the world into good and bad.
to sort the world into good and bad.
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ja meid on õpetatud lapsest saadik
jagama maailma heaks ja halvaks.
jagama maailma heaks ja halvaks.
06:19
"Did you like that book?"
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"Kas sulle meeldis see raamat?"
06:21
"Did you have a good day?"
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"Kas sul oli hea päev?"
06:23
How about, "What did you
notice about that story?"
notice about that story?"
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Kuidas aga oleks küsida,
“Mida sa märkasid selles loos?”
“Mida sa märkasid selles loos?”
06:26
"Tell me a moment about your day.
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"Räägi mulle hetkest oma päevas.
06:28
What did you learn?"
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Mida sa teada said?”
Õpetame lastele olema avatud
ja uudishimulikud kogemuste suhtes,
ja uudishimulikud kogemuste suhtes,
06:30
Let's teach our children to stay open
and curious about their experiences,
and curious about their experiences,
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06:34
like a traveler in a foreign land.
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nagu rännumees võõral maal.
06:38
And that way they can stay with sensation
without checking out --
without checking out --
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Sel moel saavad nad hoida endas
neid tundmusi ilma välja logimata --
neid tundmusi ilma välja logimata --
06:42
even the heightened
and challenging ones --
and challenging ones --
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isegi intensiivsete ja
keeruliste tunnetega --
keeruliste tunnetega --
06:44
the way I did,
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nii nagu seda tegin mina,
06:45
the way so many of us have.
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ja on teinud mitmedki meist.
06:47
This sense education,
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Tunnetusoskus,
06:49
this is education I want for my daughters.
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sellist oskust soovin ma oma tütardele.
06:51
Sense education is what I needed as girl.
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Tunnetamise õpetus on see,
mida tüdrukuna vajasin.
mida tüdrukuna vajasin.
06:55
It's what I hope for all of our children.
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See, mida soovin
kõikidele meie lastele.
kõikidele meie lastele.
06:58
This awareness of sensation,
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Oskus ära tunda aistinguid,
07:00
it's where we began as children.
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millest me alustasime lastena.
07:02
It's what we can learn from our children
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Saame seda oma lastelt õppida
07:05
and it's what we can
in turn remind our children
in turn remind our children
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ja ka omakorda seda neile meelde tuletada,
07:08
as they come of age.
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siis kui nad kasvavad suureks.
Aitäh!
07:12
Thank you.
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(Aplaus)
07:13
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Sue Jaye Johnson - Journalist, filmmaker, writerTED Resident Sue Jaye Johnson explores the ways cultural expectations shape our public and private behavior.
Why you should listen
Working across mediums, from radio, film, print and interactive media, Sue Jaye Johnson has investigated the US criminal justice system, women in sports, the legacy of apartheid and girls in South Africa. As a TED Resident, she is examining our current relationship with pleasure and sex through intimate interviews with people from all walks of life asking what they believe about sex and why. She is working on a book about rethinking how we talk about sexuality and sensuality fostered by this series of interviews.
Jaye is a two-time Peabody-winner and recipient of a Creative Capital award for her pioneering interactive documentary about US prisons. Her first feature film, T-Rex (PBS, Netflix) followed 17-year-old boxer Claressa Shields from Flint, Michigan to the gold medal at the London Olympics. Her work has been broadcast on PBS, NPR, WNY and published in the New York Times and The Washington Post.
She studied visual arts at Harvard University and interactive telecommunications at New York University. She lives in New York City with radio producer and frequent collaborator Joe Richman and their two daughters.
Sue Jaye Johnson | Speaker | TED.com