ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Priya Parker - Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities.

Why you should listen

Priya Parker is helping us take a deeper look at how anyone can create collective meaning in modern life, one gathering at a time. A group conflict mediator, she's spent 15 years helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations during times of heat and transition. Frustrated by dull and disappointing gatherings, Parker set out to rewrite the rule book for creating transformative group experiences. 

Parker interviewed more than 100 gatherers and wove together their wisdom and her own experiences in her acclaimed book The Art of Gathering. She has worked on racial dialogues on American campuses and peace-building projects in India, Africa and the Arab world.

More profile about the speaker
Priya Parker | Speaker | TED.com
TED2019

Priya Parker: 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings

珮亞 · 派克: 將日常聚會脫胎換骨的三個步驟

Filmed:
2,078,372 views

為什麼有些聚會飛揚而有些卻不呢? 作家珮亞 · 派克分享三個簡單的步驟,將您的聚會、晚宴、會議和假期脫胎換骨成有意義的聚會。
- Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:13
When I was a child兒童,
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小時候
00:14
every一切 other Friday星期五,
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每隔一個星期五,
00:15
I would leave離開 my mother母親
and stepfather's繼父的 home --
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我會離開生母和繼父的家——
00:18
an Indian印度人 and British英國的, atheist無神論者, Buddhist佛教徒,
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他們是印度人和英國人、
無神論者、佛教徒、
00:23
agnostic不可知, vegetarian, new age-y年齡-y sometimes有時,
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不可知論者,吃素,
三不五時參與新時代運動,
00:29
Democratic民主的 household家庭.
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是個民主黨的家庭。
00:31
And I would go 1.4 miles英里
to my father父親 and stepmother's繼母的 home
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我會去 1.4 英里外
生父和繼母的家,
00:35
and enter輸入 a white白色, Evangelical福音 Christian基督教,
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進入白人、福音派基督徒、
00:39
conservative保守, Republican共和黨人,
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保守派、共和黨的生活,
00:42
twice-a-week-churchgoing每週兩次的教會,
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每週兩次去教會,
00:44
meat-eating吃肉 family家庭.
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吃葷。
00:47
It doesn't take a shrink收縮
to explain說明 how I ended結束 up
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無需心理治療師來解釋
我何以進了解決衝突這一行。
00:50
in the field領域 of conflict衝突 resolution解析度.
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00:52
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
00:54
Whether是否 I was facilitating促進 dialogues對話
in Charlottesville夏洛茨維爾 or Istanbul伊斯坦布爾
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無論我是在夏律第鎮、伊斯坦堡,
00:57
or Ahmedabad艾哈邁達巴德,
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還是在阿默達巴德促成對談,
00:59
the challenge挑戰 was always the same相同:
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總是面對一樣的挑戰:
01:02
despite儘管 all odds可能性,
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儘管存在著各種困難,
而且要保持誠信,
01:03
and with integrity廉正,
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你如何完整地讓人們
有意義地聯繫,
01:05
how do you get people
to connect meaningfully有意義,
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01:08
to take risks風險,
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願意承擔風險,
01:09
to be changed by their experience經驗?
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透過經驗來改變呢?
01:13
And I would witness見證 extraordinarily異常
beautiful美麗 electricity電力 in those rooms客房.
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我在那裡見證到非凡振奮的狀態。
01:19
And then I would leave離開 those rooms客房
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離開那裡,
01:21
and attend出席 my everyday每天
gatherings聚會 like all of you --
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我參加你們一般的日常聚會——
01:24
a wedding婚禮 or a conference會議
or a back-to-school回到學校 picnic野餐 --
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婚禮、會議或校友聚餐——
01:27
and many許多 would fall秋季 flat平面.
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許多不如預期。
01:30
There was a meaning含義 gap間隙
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在那些高度衝突團體
01:32
between之間 these high-intensity高強度
conflict衝突 groups
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和我的日常聚會之間
01:34
and my everyday每天 gatherings聚會.
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存在著意義上的差距。
01:37
Now, you could say, sure,
somebody's某人的 birthday生日 party派對
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你會說:
某人的生日聚會和種族對話
當然不可同日而語。
01:39
isn't going to live生活 up to a race種族 dialogue對話,
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01:42
but that's not what I was responding響應 to.
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但那不是我的回應。
01:45
As a facilitator主持人,
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身為(衝突對談的)主持人,
01:47
you're taught to strip跳閘 everything away
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你學到必須剝離一切,
01:49
and focus焦點 on the interaction相互作用
between之間 people,
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專注於人與人之間的互動,
01:52
whereas everyday每天 hosts主機
focus焦點 on getting得到 the things right --
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而日常的主持人
則專注於把事做好——
01:56
the food餐飲, the flowers花卉, the fish knives --
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食物、鮮花、切魚刀之類的——
01:59
and leave離開 the interaction相互作用
between之間 people largely大部分 to chance機會.
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多半讓人們之間隨機互動。
02:03
So I began開始 to wonder奇蹟 how we might威力 change更改
our everyday每天 gatherings聚會
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因此我開始思考
如何改變我們的日常聚會,
02:07
to focus焦點 on making製造 meaning含義
by human人的 connection連接,
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專注於透過聯繫人與人來產生意義,
02:12
not obsessing沉迷 with the canap卡納普és.
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而不執著於小點心。
02:15
And I set out and interviewed採訪
dozens許多 of brave勇敢 and unusual異常 hosts主機 --
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我採訪了數十位勇敢
而且非比尋常的主持人——
02:19
an Olympic奧林匹克 hockey曲棍球 coach教練,
a Cirque太陽 du Soleil馬戲團 choreographer編舞,
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有奧林匹克曲棍球教練、
太陽馬戲團編舞家、
02:22
a rabbi拉比, a camp counselor-顧問--
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(熟稔猶太律法的)拉比、
營地輔導員——
02:24
to better understand理解
what creates創建 meaningful富有意義的
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以更了解到底是什麼創造了有意義,
02:27
and even transformative變革 gatherings聚會.
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甚至脫胎換骨的聚會。
02:29
And I want to share分享 with you
some of what I learned學到了 today今天
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今天我想與大家分享
我學到一些聚會新規則。
02:32
about the new rules規則 of gathering蒐集.
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02:35
So when most people plan計劃 a gathering蒐集,
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大多數人規劃聚會
從現成的格式著手。
02:37
they start開始 with an off-the-rack機架外 format格式.
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02:39
Birthday生日 party派對? Cake蛋糕 and candles蠟燭.
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生日聚會?準備蛋糕和蠟燭。
02:43
Board meeting會議?
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董事會?
02:44
One brown棕色 table, 12 white白色 men男人.
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安排一張棕色的桌子
和 12 個白人男子。
02:46
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:51
Assuming假設 the purpose目的 is obvious明顯,
we skip跳躍 too quickly很快 to form形成.
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預設(會議的)目的顯而易見,
我們飛快地照既定格式著手安排。
02:55
This not only leads引線 to dull平淡
and repetitive重複 gatherings聚會,
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這不僅會導致沉悶和重複的聚會,
02:58
it misses錯過 a deeper更深 opportunity機會
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還會錯失實際滿足
我們更深需求層次的機會。
03:00
to actually其實 address地址 our needs需求.
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03:03
The first step of creating創建
more meaningful富有意義的 everyday每天 gatherings聚會
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要創造更有意義的日常聚會
03:08
is to embrace擁抱 a specific具體
disputable爭議 purpose目的.
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首先是擁抱一個特定
而可以商榷的宗旨。
03:13
An expectant期待 mother母親 I know
was dreading害怕 her baby寶寶 shower淋浴.
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我認識一位準媽媽
憂心她的產前派對。
03:17
The idea理念 of "pin the diaper尿布
on the baby寶寶" games遊戲
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她覺得「將尿布釘在嬰兒身上」那遊戲
03:20
and opening開盤 gifts禮品 felt odd and irrelevant不相干.
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和拆開禮物既奇怪又無關緊要。
03:23
So she paused暫停 to ask:
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所以她停下來問:
03:25
What is the purpose目的 of a baby寶寶 shower淋浴?
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產前派對的目的是什麼?
03:27
What is my need at this moment時刻?
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我此時需要什麼?
03:31
And she realized實現 it was
to address地址 her fears恐懼
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她意識到這是為了解決
她和她丈夫的恐懼——
03:33
of her and her husband's丈夫 --
remember記得 that guy? --
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還記得那個男人嗎?——
03:36
transition過渡 to parenthood父母.
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兩人過渡到為人父母身份的恐懼。
03:38
And so she asked two friends朋友
to invent發明 a gathering蒐集 based基於 on that.
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所以她讓兩個朋友
發明基於此目的的聚會。
03:42
And so on a sunny晴朗 afternoon下午,
six women婦女 gathered雲集.
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在一個陽光明媚的下午,
六位女士聚集在一起。
03:46
And first, to address地址 her fear恐懼 of labor勞動 --
she was terrified --
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首先要解決她極度畏懼的產痛。
03:50
they told her stories故事 from her life
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她們告訴她生活中的故事,
03:53
to remind提醒 her of the characteristics特點
she already已經 carries攜帶 --
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提醒她已經擁有的特質——
03:56
bravery, wonder奇蹟, faith信仰, surrender投降 --
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勇敢、好奇、信心、順服——
04:01
that they believed相信 would carry攜帶 her
and help her in labor勞動 as well.
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她們相信這些特質也會
引領和幫助她度過產痛。
04:04
And as they spoke, they tied a bead珠子
for each quality質量 into a necklace項鍊
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她們每說一項特質,
就在項鍊上串一粒珠子,
04:09
that she could wear穿 around her neck頸部
in the delivery交貨 room房間.
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讓她戴在脖子上進產房。
04:13
Next下一個, her husband丈夫 came來了 in,
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接下來,她的丈夫進來了,
04:15
and they wrote new vows誓言,
family家庭 vows誓言, and spoke them aloud高聲,
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他們寫下新的誓言,
家的誓言,大聲說出來。
04:19
first committing提交 to keep
their marriage婚姻 central中央
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先是承諾在過渡到父母身份時
04:21
as they transitioned轉變 to parenthood父母,
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保持以婚姻為中心,
04:23
but also future未來 vows誓言 to their future未來 son兒子
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還有對未來兒子的誓言,
04:26
of what they wanted to carry攜帶 with them
from each of their family家庭 lines
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裡頭有他們希望
傳給未來兒子的兩家傳承,
04:29
and what would stop with this generation.
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和到他們這一代為止
不再往下傳的部分。
04:32
Then more friends朋友 came來了 along沿,
including包含 men男人, for a dinner晚餐 party派對.
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然後有更多的朋友
來參加晚宴,包括男士。
04:36
And in lieu代替 of gifts禮品, they each brought
a favorite喜愛 memory記憶 from their childhood童年
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取代禮物的是每個人帶來
他們童年時期最喜愛的記憶
04:40
to share分享 with the table.
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與大家分享。
04:41
Now, you might威力 be thinking思維
this is a lot for a baby寶寶 shower淋浴,
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你或許認為這樣的
產前派對太小題大作了,
04:45
or it's a little weird奇怪的
or it's a little intimate親密.
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有點奇怪,過於親密了些。
04:48
Good.
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好。
04:49
It's specific具體.
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這很具體,
04:50
It's disputable爭議.
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具爭議性,
04:52
It's specific具體 to them,
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是針對他們訂做的,
04:54
just as your gathering蒐集
should be specific具體 to you.
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就像你的聚會應該針對你訂做那樣。
04:58
The next下一個 step of creating創建
more meaningful富有意義的 everyday每天 gatherings聚會
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創造更有意義的日常聚會的下一步
05:02
is to cause原因 good controversy爭議.
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是引起良性的爭議。
05:05
You may可能 have learned學到了, as I did,
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你可能像我一樣學到
05:07
never to talk about sex性別, politics政治
or religion宗教 at the dinner晚餐 table.
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不要在餐桌上談論性、政治或宗教。
05:11
It's a good rule規則 in that
it preserves果醬 harmony和諧,
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這是一個很好的規則,
它保持和諧,
05:14
or that's its intention意向.
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起碼那是它的意圖。
05:15
But it strips帶子 away a core核心 ingredient成分
of meaning含義, which哪一個 is heat,
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但它剝奪了意義的核心要素,
也就是熱度,
05:20
burning燃燒 relevance關聯.
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迫切的相關性。
05:22
The best最好 gatherings聚會 learn學習
to cultivate培育 good controversy爭議
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最好的聚會學習培養良好的爭議,
05:26
by creating創建 the conditions條件 for it,
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靠的是透創造環境條件。
05:29
because human人的 connection連接
is as threatened受威脅 by unhealthy不良 peace和平
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因為不健康的和平
與不健康的衝突一樣,
都會威脅人類的聯繫。
05:33
as by unhealthy不良 conflict衝突.
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05:37
I was once一旦 working加工
with an architecture建築 firm公司,
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我曾和一家建築公司合作,
05:39
and they were at a crossroads十字路口.
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他們正處於十字路口。
05:41
They had to figure數字 out whether是否 they wanted
to continue繼續 to be an architecture建築 firm公司
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他們必須弄清楚
是否想繼續當建築公司,
專注於建築物,
05:45
and focus焦點 on the construction施工 of buildings房屋
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05:47
or pivot and become成為
the hot new thing, a design設計 firm公司,
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或轉型為熱門的、新的設計公司,
05:49
focusing調焦 on beyond
the construction施工 of spaces空間.
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專注的不僅僅是空間的建設。
05:52
And there was real真實
disagreement異議 in the room房間,
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房間裡確實存在著分歧,
但你不會知道,
05:54
but you wouldn't不會 know, because no one
was actually其實 speaking請講 up publicly公然.
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因為沒有人真正公開發言。
於是我們為爭議作東。
05:58
And so we hosted託管 good controversy爭議.
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06:00
After a lunch午餐 break打破,
all the architects建築師 came來了 back,
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午休後,建築師全都回來了,
06:03
and we hosted託管 a cage match比賽.
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我們辦了場「籠中格鬥」。
06:07
They walked in,
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他們進了會議室,
06:08
we took one architect建築師, put him
in one corner to represent代表 architecture建築,
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我們把一位建築師帶到角落代表建築,
06:12
the other one to represent代表 design設計.
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另一個代表設計。
06:14
We threw white白色 towels毛巾 around their necks脖子,
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我們在他們的脖子上掛了白毛巾——
06:16
stolen被盜 from the bathroom浴室 -- sorry --
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抱歉,從浴室偷來的——
06:18
played發揮 Rocky洛基 music音樂 on an iPadiPad的,
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用 iPad 播放《洛基》電影配樂,
06:20
got each a Don King-like國王般的 manager經理
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給兩人各一個像唐·金那樣的經理
06:22
to rev them up and prepare準備 them
with counterarguments反駁,
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使他們活躍起來,還為他們準備反駁,
06:25
and then basically基本上 made製作 them each argue爭論
the best最好 possible可能 argument論據
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基本上讓他們二人辯論
各自未來願景的最佳論點。
06:29
of each future未來 vision視力.
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06:31
The norm規範 of politeness禮貌
was blocking閉塞 their progress進展.
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慣常的禮貌規範阻礙了進步。
06:34
And we then had everybody每個人 else其他
physically物理 choose選擇 a side
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接著我們讓其他人
在同事面前選擇立場。
06:38
in front面前 of their colleagues同事.
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06:40
And because they were able能夠
to actually其實 show顯示 where they stood站在,
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正因為能夠真正展示他們的立場,
06:43
they broke打破 an impasse僵局.
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他們打破了僵局。
06:45
Architecture建築 won韓元.
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建築那一邊贏了。
06:47
So that's work.
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這就是工作。
06:48
What about a hypothetical假想
tense緊張 Thanksgiving感恩 dinner晚餐?
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來個假想的、緊張的
感恩節晚餐如何?
06:54
Anyone任何人?
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有人有過嗎?
06:55
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:58
So first, ask the purpose目的.
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首先,問目的。
07:00
What does this family家庭 need this year?
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這個家庭今年需要什麼?
07:04
If cultivating培育 good heat is part部分 of it,
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如果培養好熱度是其中的一部分,
07:07
then try for a night banning取締 opinions意見
and asking for stories故事 instead代替.
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那麼試著禁談觀點,只講故事。
07:13
Choose選擇 a theme主題
related有關 to the underlying底層 conflict衝突.
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選擇與潛在衝突相關的主題。
07:16
But instead代替 of opinions意見,
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但是,不要發表意見,
07:18
ask everybody每個人 to share分享 a story故事
from their life and experience經驗
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而是要求每個人分享
他們生活和經歷中的故事,
07:21
that nobody沒有人 around the table
has ever heard聽說,
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同桌沒有任何人聽過的故事,
07:23
to difference區別 or to belonging屬於
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相異、相屬,
07:26
or to a time I changed my mind心神,
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或個人改變主意的時刻,
07:29
giving people a way in to each other
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彼此讓步,
07:31
without burning燃燒 the house down.
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不吵翻天。
07:35
And finally最後, to create創建 more meaningful富有意義的
everyday每天 gatherings聚會,
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最後是建立更有意義的日常聚會,
07:39
create創建 a temporary臨時 alternative替代 world世界
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透過使用彈出式規則
07:42
through通過 the use of pop-up彈出 rules規則.
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創建一個臨時的替代世界。
07:47
A few少數 years年份 ago, I started開始 noticing注意到
invitations邀請函 coming未來 with a set of rules規則.
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幾年前,我開始注意到
帶有一些規則的邀請。
07:51
Kind of boring無聊 or controlling控制, right?
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有點無聊或受控制,對吧?
07:55
Wrong錯誤.
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錯了。
07:56
In this multicultural多元文化,
intersectional交叉 society社會,
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在這個交叉著多元文化的社會裡,
07:59
where more of us are gathered雲集 and raised上調
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有許多與我們成長經歷的不同禮儀,
08:01
by people and with etiquette禮儀
unlike不像 our own擁有,
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08:03
where we don't share分享 the etiquette禮儀,
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大家有不同的禮儀規範。
08:06
unspoken norms規範 are trouble麻煩,
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未說出口的規範會導致麻煩,
08:09
whereas pop-up彈出 rules規則 allow允許 us
to connect meaningfully有意義.
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而彈出式規則允許我們有意義地聯繫。
08:12
They're one-time-only一次性 constitutions憲法
for a specific具體 purpose目的.
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它們是針對特定目的的一次性憲法。
08:16
So a team球隊 dinner晚餐,
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因此,團隊共進晚餐,
08:19
where different不同 generations are gathering蒐集
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不同代的人聚集在一起,
08:21
and don't share分享 the same相同
assumptions假設 of phone電話 etiquette禮儀:
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不預設電話禮儀相同:
08:25
whoever looks容貌 at their phone電話 first
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誰先看手機,
08:27
foots腳燈 the bill法案.
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誰就買單。
08:29
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:30
Try it.
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試試吧。
08:31
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
08:33
For an entrepreneurial創業 advice忠告 circle
of just strangers陌生人,
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在陌生人的創業建議圈裡,
08:36
where the hosts主機 don't want
everybody每個人 to just listen
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主持人不希望人人只聽
屋裡的風險資本家說話——
08:38
to the one venture冒險 capitalist資本家
in the room房間 --
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08:40
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:41
knowing會心 laugh --
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會心的笑——
08:43
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:44
you can't reveal揭示 what you do for a living活的.
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你不能透露你的職業。
08:48
For a mom's媽媽的 dinner晚餐,
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至於媽媽的晚餐會,
08:50
where you want to upend翻倒 the norms規範
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你要改變常態,
08:51
of what women婦女 who also happen發生
to be mothers母親 talk about when they gather收集,
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改變有孩子的女人的聚會話題,
如果你談論媽媽經
08:56
if you talk about your kids孩子,
you have to take a shot射擊.
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就得乾一杯。
08:59
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
09:02
That's a real真實 dinner晚餐.
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那才是真正的晚餐。
09:05
Rules規則 are powerful強大,
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規則強而有力,
09:07
because they allow允許 us to temporarily暫時
change更改 and harmonize our behavior行為.
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因為規則令我們暫時
改變和協調我們的行為。
09:12
And in diverse多種 societies社會,
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在多元社會裡,
09:14
pop-up彈出 rules規則 carry攜帶 special特別 force.
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彈出式規則具有特殊的力量。
它讓我們跨越差異,
09:17
They allow允許 us to gather收集 across橫過 difference區別,
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09:19
to connect,
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連結在一起,
09:20
to make meaning含義 together一起
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共同創造意義,
09:22
without having to be the same相同.
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無需人人相同。
09:25
When I was a child兒童,
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我在兒時
透過成為一個變色龍
來駕馭我的兩個世界。
09:27
I navigated導航 my two worlds世界
by becoming變得 a chameleon變色龍.
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09:31
If somebody sneezed打個噴嚏 in my mother's母親 home,
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如果有人在我生母的家裡打噴嚏,
09:33
I would say, "Bless保佑 you,"
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我會說:「保佑你,」
09:35
in my father's父親的, "God bless保佑 you."
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在生父的家裡則說:
「『上帝』保佑你。」
09:38
To protect保護 myself, I hid,
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為了保護自己,我隱藏自己,
09:41
as so many許多 of us do.
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許多人也是如此。
09:43
And it wasn't until直到 I grew成長 up
and through通過 conflict衝突 work
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直到我長大並從事化解衝突的工作,
09:46
that I began開始 to stop hiding.
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我不再隱藏了。
09:49
And I realized實現 that gatherings聚會 for me,
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我意識到,對我來說,
09:52
at their best最好,
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最好的聚會讓我們與別人打成一片,
09:54
allow允許 us to be among其中 others其他,
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09:57
to be seen看到 for who we are,
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讓別人看到我們是誰,
09:59
and to see.
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我們自己也看到。
10:03
The way we gather收集 matters事項
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我們聚集的方式很重要,
10:07
because how we gather收集
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因為我們的聚集方式
10:09
is how we live生活.
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就是我們的生活方式。
10:11
Thank you.
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謝謝。
10:12
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
Translated by Helen Chang
Reviewed by Bruce Sung

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Priya Parker - Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities.

Why you should listen

Priya Parker is helping us take a deeper look at how anyone can create collective meaning in modern life, one gathering at a time. A group conflict mediator, she's spent 15 years helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations during times of heat and transition. Frustrated by dull and disappointing gatherings, Parker set out to rewrite the rule book for creating transformative group experiences. 

Parker interviewed more than 100 gatherers and wove together their wisdom and her own experiences in her acclaimed book The Art of Gathering. She has worked on racial dialogues on American campuses and peace-building projects in India, Africa and the Arab world.

More profile about the speaker
Priya Parker | Speaker | TED.com

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