TEDxAsheville
Jeffrey Kluger: The sibling bond
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Were you the favorite child, the wild child or the middle child? Jeffrey Kluger explores the profound life-long bond between brothers and sisters, and the influence of birth order, favoritism and sibling rivalry.
Jeffrey Kluger - Senior Editor, TIME Magazine
A senior editor of science and technology reporting at TIME magazine, Jeffrey Kluger has written books on a wide range of science subjects, including the Polio vaccine, Apollo 13 and the effect of sibling relationships. Full bio
A senior editor of science and technology reporting at TIME magazine, Jeffrey Kluger has written books on a wide range of science subjects, including the Polio vaccine, Apollo 13 and the effect of sibling relationships. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
TED has already persuaded me
to change my life in one small way,
to change my life in one small way,
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by persuading me to change
the opening of my speech.
the opening of my speech.
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I love this idea of engagement.
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So, when you leave here today,
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I'm going to ask you
to engage or re-engage
to engage or re-engage
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with some of the most important
people in your lives:
people in your lives:
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your brothers and sisters.
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It can be a profoundly
life-affirming thing to do,
life-affirming thing to do,
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even if it isn't always easy.
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This is a man named Elliot,
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for whom things were very difficult.
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Elliot was a drunk.
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He spent most of his life
battling alcoholism,
battling alcoholism,
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depression, morphine addiction,
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and that life ended
when he was just 34 years old.
when he was just 34 years old.
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What made things harder for Elliot
is that his last name was Roosevelt.
is that his last name was Roosevelt.
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And he could never quite
get past the comparisons
get past the comparisons
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with his big brother Teddy,
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for whom things always seemed
to come a little bit easier.
to come a little bit easier.
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It wasn't easy being Bobby, either.
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He was also the sibling of a president.
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But he adored his brother, Jack.
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He fought for him,
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he worked for him.
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And when Jack died, he bled for him, too.
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In the years that followed,
Bobby would smile,
Bobby would smile,
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but it seemed labored.
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He'd lose himself in his work,
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but it seemed tortured.
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Bobby's own death, so similar to John's,
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seems somehow fitting.
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John Kennedy was robbed of his young life;
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Bobby seemed almost
to have been relieved of his.
to have been relieved of his.
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There may be no relationship
that effects us more profoundly,
that effects us more profoundly,
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that's closer, finer, harder,
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sweeter, happier, sadder,
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more filled with joy or fraught with woe
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than the relationship we have
with our brothers and sisters.
with our brothers and sisters.
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There's power in the sibling bond.
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There's pageantry.
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There's petulance, too,
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as when Neil Bush,
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sibling of both a president
and a governor, famously griped,
and a governor, famously griped,
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"I've lost patience for being compared
to my older brothers,"
to my older brothers,"
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as if Jeb and George W
were somehow responsible
were somehow responsible
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for the savings and loan scandal
and the messy divorce
and the messy divorce
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that marked Neil in the public eye.
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But more important
than all of these things,
than all of these things,
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the sibling bond can be
a thing of abiding love.
a thing of abiding love.
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Our parents leave us too early,
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our spouse and our children
come along too late.
come along too late.
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Our siblings are the only ones
who are with us
who are with us
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for the entire ride.
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Over the arc of decades,
there may be nothing
there may be nothing
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that defines us and forms us
more powerfully
more powerfully
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than our relationship
with our sisters and brothers.
with our sisters and brothers.
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It was true for me,
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it's true for your children
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and if you have siblings,
it's true for you, too.
it's true for you, too.
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This picture was taken when Steve,
on the left, was eight years old.
on the left, was eight years old.
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I was six, our brother Gary was five
and my brother Bruce was four.
and my brother Bruce was four.
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I will not say what year it was taken.
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It was not this year.
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(Laughter)
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I open my new book, "The Sibling Effect,"
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on a Saturday morning,
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not long before this picture was taken,
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when the three older brothers decided
that it might be a very good idea
that it might be a very good idea
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to lock the younger brother
in a fuse cabinet in our playroom.
in a fuse cabinet in our playroom.
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(Laughter)
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We were, believe it or not,
trying to keep him safe.
trying to keep him safe.
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Our father was a hotheaded man,
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somebody who didn't take kindly
to being disturbed on Saturday mornings.
to being disturbed on Saturday mornings.
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I don't know what he thought his life
would be like on Saturday mornings
would be like on Saturday mornings
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when he had four sons,
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ages four years old or younger
when the youngest one was born,
when the youngest one was born,
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but they weren't quiet.
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He did not take to that well.
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And he would react to being
disturbed on a Saturday morning
disturbed on a Saturday morning
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by stalking into the playroom
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and administering a very freewheeling
form of a corporal punishment,
form of a corporal punishment,
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lashing out at whoever
was within arms' reach.
was within arms' reach.
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We were by no means battered children
but we did get hit,
but we did get hit,
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and we found it terrifying.
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So we devised a sort of
scatter-and-hide drill.
scatter-and-hide drill.
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(Laughter)
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As soon as we saw or heard
the footsteps coming,
the footsteps coming,
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Steve, the oldest, would wriggle
under the couch,
under the couch,
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I would dive into the closet
in the playroom,
in the playroom,
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Gary would dive into
a window-seat toy chest,
a window-seat toy chest,
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but not before we closed
Bruce inside the fuse box.
Bruce inside the fuse box.
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We told him it was
Alan Shepard's space capsule,
Alan Shepard's space capsule,
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and that somehow made it work better.
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(Laughter)
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I dare say my father was never
fooled by this ruse.
fooled by this ruse.
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And it was only in later
years that I began to think
years that I began to think
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perhaps it wasn't a good idea
to squeeze a four-year-old
to squeeze a four-year-old
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up against a panel of old-style,
un-screwable high-voltage fuses.
un-screwable high-voltage fuses.
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(Laughter)
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But my brothers and I,
even through those unhappy times,
even through those unhappy times,
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came through them, with something
that was clear and hard and fine:
that was clear and hard and fine:
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a primal appreciation
for the bond we shared.
for the bond we shared.
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We were a unit -- a loud, messy
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brawling, loyal, loving,
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lasting unit.
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We felt much stronger that way
than we ever could as individuals.
than we ever could as individuals.
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And we knew that as our lives went on,
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we could always be able
to call on that strength.
to call on that strength.
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We're not alone.
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Until 15 years ago,
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scientists didn't really pay much
attention to the sibling bond.
attention to the sibling bond.
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And with good reason:
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you have just one mother,
you have just one father
you have just one father
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if you do marriage right,
you have one spouse for life.
you have one spouse for life.
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Siblings can claim
none of that uniqueness.
none of that uniqueness.
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They're interchangeable, fungible,
a kind of household commodity.
a kind of household commodity.
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Parents set up shop and begin stocking
their shelves with inventory,
their shelves with inventory,
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the only limitation being sperm,
egg and economics.
egg and economics.
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(Laughter)
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As long as you can keep breathing,
you may as well keep stocking.
you may as well keep stocking.
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Now, nature is perfectly happy
with that arrangement,
with that arrangement,
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because our primal directive here
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is to get as many of our genes
as possible into the next generation.
as possible into the next generation.
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Animals wrestle with
these same issues, too,
these same issues, too,
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but they have a more straightforward way
of dealing with things.
of dealing with things.
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A crested penguin that has laid two eggs
will take a good look at them
will take a good look at them
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and boot the smaller one out of the nest,
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the better to focus her attentions
on the presumably heartier chick
on the presumably heartier chick
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in the bigger shell.
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A black eagle will allow
all of her chicks to hatch
all of her chicks to hatch
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and then stand back while the bigger ones
fight it out with the little ones,
fight it out with the little ones,
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typically ripping them to ribbons
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and then settling back
to grow up in peace.
to grow up in peace.
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Piglets, cute as they are,
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are born with a strange
little outward set of pointing teeth,
little outward set of pointing teeth,
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that they use to jab at one another
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as they compete
for the choicest nursing spots.
for the choicest nursing spots.
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The problem for scientists
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was that this whole idea of siblings
as second-class citizens
as second-class citizens
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never really seemed to hold up.
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After the researchers
had learned all they could
had learned all they could
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from the relationships in the family,
mothers and other relationships,
mothers and other relationships,
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they still came up with some
temperamental dark matter
temperamental dark matter
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that was pulling at us,
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exerting a gravity all its own.
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And that could only be our siblings.
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Humans are no different from animals.
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After we are born, we do whatever we can
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to attract the attention of our parents,
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determining what our strongest
selling points are
selling points are
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and marketing them ferociously.
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Someone's the funny one,
someone's the pretty one,
someone's the pretty one,
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someone's the athlete,
someone's the smart one.
someone's the smart one.
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Scientists call this "deidentification."
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If my older brother
is a high-school football player --
is a high-school football player --
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which, if you saw my older
brother, you'd know he was not --
brother, you'd know he was not --
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I could become a high-school
football player, too
football player, too
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and get at most 50 percent of the applause
in my family for doing that.
in my family for doing that.
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Or, I could become student
council president
council president
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or specialize in the arts
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and get 100 percent
of the attention in that area.
of the attention in that area.
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Sometimes parents contaminate
the identification process,
the identification process,
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communicating to their kids subtly or not,
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that only certain kinds of accomplishments
will be applauded in the home.
will be applauded in the home.
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Joe Kennedy was famous for this,
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making it clear to his nine children
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that they were expected to compete
with one another in athletics
with one another in athletics
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and were expected to win,
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lest they be made to eat
in the kitchen with the help,
in the kitchen with the help,
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rather than in the dining room
with the family.
with the family.
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It's no wonder
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that scrawny second-born Jack Kennedy
fought so hard to compete
fought so hard to compete
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with his fitter firstborn brother, Joe,
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often at his peril,
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at one point, engaging
in a bicycle race around the house
in a bicycle race around the house
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that resulted in a collision
costing John 28 stitches.
costing John 28 stitches.
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Joe walked away essentially unharmed.
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Parents exacerbate this problem further
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when they exhibit favoritism,
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which they do overwhelmingly,
no matter how much they admit it.
no matter how much they admit it.
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A study I cite in this TIME magazine
covering in the book "The Sibling Effect,"
covering in the book "The Sibling Effect,"
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found 70 percent of fathers
and 65 percent of mothers
and 65 percent of mothers
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exhibit a preference
for at least one child.
for at least one child.
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And keep in mind here --
the keyword is "exhibit."
the keyword is "exhibit."
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The remaining parents may simply be doing
a better job of concealing things.
a better job of concealing things.
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(Laughter)
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I like to say that 95 percent
of all parents have a favorite,
of all parents have a favorite,
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five percent are lying about it.
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The exception is my wife and me.
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Honestly, we do not have a favorite.
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(Laughter)
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It's not parents' fault that they harbor
feelings of favoritism.
feelings of favoritism.
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And here, too, our natural
wiring is at work.
wiring is at work.
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Firstborns are the first products
on the familial assembly line.
on the familial assembly line.
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Parents typically get two years
of investing dollars, calories
of investing dollars, calories
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and so many other resources in them,
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so that by the time
the second born comes along,
the second born comes along,
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the firstborn is already ...
it's what corporations call "sunk costs,"
it's what corporations call "sunk costs,"
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you don't want to disinvest in this one
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and launch the R&D on the new product.
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(Laughter)
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So what we begin to do is say,
"I'm going to lean to the Mac OS X
"I'm going to lean to the Mac OS X
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and let the Mac OS XI come out
in a couple of years."
in a couple of years."
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So we tend to lean in that direction.
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(Laughter)
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But there are other forces at work, too.
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One of the same studies I looked at
both here and in the book found that,
both here and in the book found that,
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improbably, the most common favorite
for a father is the last-born daughter.
for a father is the last-born daughter.
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The most common favorite
for a mother is the firstborn son.
for a mother is the firstborn son.
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Now, this isn't Oedipal; never mind
what the Freudians would have told us
what the Freudians would have told us
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a hundred years ago.
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And it's not just that fathers
are habitually wrapped around
are habitually wrapped around
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the fingers of their little girls,
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though I can tell you that,
as the father of two girls,
as the father of two girls,
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that part definitely plays a role.
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Rather, there is a certain
reproductive narcissism at work.
reproductive narcissism at work.
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Your opposite-gender kids
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can never resemble you exactly.
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But if somehow they can resemble
you temperamentally,
you temperamentally,
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you'll love them all the more.
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As the result, the father
who is a businessman will just melt
who is a businessman will just melt
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at the idea of his MBA daughter
with a tough-as-nails worldview.
with a tough-as-nails worldview.
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The mother who is a sensitive type
will go gooey over her son the poet.
will go gooey over her son the poet.
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(Laughter)
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Birth order, another topic
I covered for TIME,
I covered for TIME,
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and another topic I cover in the book,
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plays out in other ways as well.
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Long before scientists
began looking at this,
began looking at this,
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parents noticed that there are
certain temperamental templates
certain temperamental templates
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associated with all birth rankings:
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the serious, striving firstborn;
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the caught-in-a-thicket's middle born;
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the wild child of a last born.
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And once again, when science
did crack this field,
did crack this field,
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they found out mom and dad are right.
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Firstborns across history have tended
to be bigger and healthier
to be bigger and healthier
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than later borns,
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in part, because of the head start
they got on food
they got on food
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in an area in which it could be scarce.
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Firstborns are also
vaccinated more reliably
vaccinated more reliably
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and tend to have more
follow-up visits to doctors
follow-up visits to doctors
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when they get sick.
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And this pattern continues today.
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This IQ question is, sadly -- I can
say this as a second-born --
say this as a second-born --
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a very real thing.
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Firstborns have a three-point
IQ advantage over second borns
IQ advantage over second borns
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and second borns have a 1.5 IQ
advantage over later borns,
advantage over later borns,
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partly because of the exclusive attention
firstborns get from mom and dad,
firstborns get from mom and dad,
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and partly because they get a chance
to mentor the younger kids.
to mentor the younger kids.
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All of this explains why firstborns
are likelier to be CEOs,
are likelier to be CEOs,
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they are likelier to be senators,
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they are likelier to be astronauts,
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and they are likelier to earn more
than other kids are.
than other kids are.
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Last borns come into the world
with a whole different set of challenges.
with a whole different set of challenges.
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The smallest and weakest cubs in the den,
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they're at the greatest risk
of getting eaten alive,
of getting eaten alive,
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so they have to develop
what are called "low-power skills" --
what are called "low-power skills" --
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the ability to charm and disarm,
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to intuit what's going on
in someone else's head,
in someone else's head,
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the better to duck
the punch before it lands.
the punch before it lands.
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(Laughter)
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They're also flat-out funnier,
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which is another thing
that comes in handy,
that comes in handy,
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because a person who's making you laugh
is a very hard person to slug.
is a very hard person to slug.
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(Laughter)
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It's perhaps no coincidence
that over the course of history,
that over the course of history,
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some of our greatest satirists --
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Swift,
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Twain,
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Voltaire,
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Colbert --
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(Laughter)
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are either the last borns
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or among the last in very large families.
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Most middle borns don't get
quite as sweet a deal.
quite as sweet a deal.
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I think of us as the flyover states.
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We are --
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(Laughter)
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we're the ones who fight harder
for recognition in the home.
for recognition in the home.
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We're the ones who are always
raising our hands
raising our hands
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while someone else at the table
is getting called on.
is getting called on.
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We're the ones who tend
to take a little longer
to take a little longer
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to find their direction in life.
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And there can be self-esteem
issues associated with that,
issues associated with that,
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notwithstanding the fact
that I've been asked to do TED,
that I've been asked to do TED,
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so I feel much better
about these things right now.
about these things right now.
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(Laughter)
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But the upside for middle borns
is that they also tend to develop
is that they also tend to develop
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denser and richer relationships
outside the home.
outside the home.
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15:03
But that advantage comes also
from something of a disadvantage,
from something of a disadvantage,
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simply because their needs
weren't met as well in the home.
weren't met as well in the home.
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15:10
The feuds in the playroom
that play out over favoritism,
that play out over favoritism,
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15:14
birth order and so many other issues
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15:16
are as unrelenting as they seem.
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In one study I cite in the book,
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children in the two-to-four age group
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engage in one fight every 6.3 minutes,
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15:30
or 9.5 fights an hour.
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15:33
That's not fighting --
that's performance art.
that's performance art.
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(Laughter)
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That's extraordinary.
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One reason for this is that there are
a lot more people in your home
a lot more people in your home
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than you think there are,
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or at least a lot more relationships.
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Every person in your house has
a discrete one-on-one relationship
a discrete one-on-one relationship
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with every other person,
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and those pairings or dyads add up fast.
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15:57
In a family with two parents and two kids,
there are six dyads:
there are six dyads:
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Mom has a relationship with child A and B,
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Dad has a relationship with child A and B.
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There's the marital relationship,
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and there is the relationship
between the kids themselves.
between the kids themselves.
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The formula for this
looks very chilly but it's real.
looks very chilly but it's real.
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K equals the number of people
in your household,
in your household,
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and X equals the number of dyads.
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16:25
In a five-person family,
there are ten discrete dyads.
there are ten discrete dyads.
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16:29
The eight-person Brady Bunch --
never mind the sweetness here --
never mind the sweetness here --
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there were 28 dyads in that family.
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16:36
The original Kennedy family with nine kids
had 55 different relationships.
had 55 different relationships.
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And Bobby Kennedy, who grew up
to have 11 children of his own,
to have 11 children of his own,
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had a household with a whopping 91 dyads.
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16:50
This overpopulation of relationships
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makes fights unavoidable.
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And far and away the biggest trigger
for all sibling fights is property.
for all sibling fights is property.
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Studies have found that over 95 percent
of the fights among small children
of the fights among small children
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concern somebody touching, playing with,
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looking at the other person's stuff.
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(Laughter)
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This in its own way is healthy
if it's very noisy,
if it's very noisy,
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and the reason is that small children
come into the world
come into the world
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with absolutely no control.
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17:25
They are utterly helpless.
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The only way they have
of projecting their very limited power
of projecting their very limited power
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is through the objects
they can call their own.
they can call their own.
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When somebody crosses
that very erasable line,
that very erasable line,
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they're going to go nuts,
and that's what happens.
and that's what happens.
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Another very common casus belli
among children is the idea of fairness,
among children is the idea of fairness,
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17:47
as any parent who hears 14 times a day,
"But that's unfair!"
"But that's unfair!"
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can tell you.
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In a way this is good, too, though.
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Kids are born with a very innate sense
of right and wrong,
of right and wrong,
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17:59
of a fair deal versus an unfair one,
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18:02
and this teaches them powerful lessons.
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Do you want to know how powerfully encoded
fairness is in the human genome?
fairness is in the human genome?
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We process that phenomenon
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18:12
through the same lobe in our brain
that processes disgust,
that processes disgust,
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18:16
meaning we react to the idea
of somebody being cheated
of somebody being cheated
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the same way we react to putrefied meat.
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18:24
(Laughter)
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Any wonder that this fellow,
Bernie Madoff, is unpopular?
Bernie Madoff, is unpopular?
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18:33
All of these dramas played out day to day,
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moment to moment,
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serve as a real-time,
total-immersion exercise for life.
total-immersion exercise for life.
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18:43
Siblings teach each other conflict
avoidance and conflict resolution,
avoidance and conflict resolution,
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when to stand up for themselves,
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when to stand down;
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they learn love,
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loyalty, honesty, sharing,
caring, compromise,
caring, compromise,
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the disclosure of secrets
and much more important,
and much more important,
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the keeping of confidences.
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19:06
I listen to my young daughters --
aren’t they adorable? --
aren’t they adorable? --
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I listen to my young daughters
talking late into the night,
talking late into the night,
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19:13
the same way my parents, no doubt,
listened to my brothers and me talking,
listened to my brothers and me talking,
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19:17
and sometimes I intervene,
but usually I don't.
but usually I don't.
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They're part of a conversation
I am not part of,
I am not part of,
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nobody else in the world is part of,
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19:27
and it's a conversation
that can and should go on
that can and should go on
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19:30
for the rest of their lives.
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19:32
From this will come a sense of constancy,
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19:35
a sense of having a permanent
traveling companion,
traveling companion,
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19:38
somebody with whom they road-tested life
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before they ever had to get out
and travel it on their own.
and travel it on their own.
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19:45
Brothers and sisters aren't
the sine qua non of a happy life;
the sine qua non of a happy life;
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plenty of adult sibling
relationships are fatally broken
relationships are fatally broken
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and need to be abandoned
for the sanity of everybody involved.
for the sanity of everybody involved.
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19:56
And only-children, throughout history,
have shown themselves
have shown themselves
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to be creatively, brilliantly capable
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20:03
of getting their socialization
and comradeship skills
and comradeship skills
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20:07
through friends, through cousins,
through classmates.
through classmates.
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20:11
But having siblings and not
making the most of those bonds
making the most of those bonds
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20:15
is, I believe, folly of the first order.
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If relationships are broken
and are fixable, fix them.
and are fixable, fix them.
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20:23
If they work, make them even better.
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20:25
Failing to do so is a little like having
a thousand acres of fertile farmland
a thousand acres of fertile farmland
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20:31
and never planting it.
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20:32
Yes, you can always get your food
at the supermarket,
at the supermarket,
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but think what you're
allowing to lie fallow.
allowing to lie fallow.
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20:40
Life is short, it's finite,
and it plays for keeps.
and it plays for keeps.
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Siblings may be among the richest harvests
of the time we have here.
of the time we have here.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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5451
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jeffrey Kluger - Senior Editor, TIME MagazineA senior editor of science and technology reporting at TIME magazine, Jeffrey Kluger has written books on a wide range of science subjects, including the Polio vaccine, Apollo 13 and the effect of sibling relationships.
Why you should listen
Jeffrey Kluger is a senior editor at TIME magazine, where he has worked since 1996. In 1994, he co-authored Lost Moon: The Perilous Voyage of Apollo 13, which was the basis for the Tom Hanks film Apollo 13. His book about Jonas Salk and the Polio vaccine, Splendid Solution, was published in 2006. Three years later, he published Simplexity: Why Simple Things Become Complex (and Why Complex Things Can Be Made Simple). His latest book, The Sibling Effect, came out in 2011.
Jeffrey Kluger | Speaker | TED.com