TEDMED 2014
Kitra Cahana: My father, locked in his body but soaring free
Kitra Kahana (Kitra Cahana): Moj otac, zatvoren u svom telu, ali slobodno uzvišen
Filmed:
Readability: 4.2
1,152,178 views
Godine 2011. Roni Kahana pretrpeo je ozbiljan moždani udar koji ga je ostavio sa sindromom zarobljenosti u sopstvenom telu: kompletno paralizovanog, osim očiju. Dok ovo može slomiti mentalno stanje normalne osobe, Kahana je pronašao mir u "zanemarivanju spoljašnjeg ćaskanja," i "zaljubio se u život i telo iznova." U mračnom, emotivnom govoru, njegova ćerka Kitra podelila je kako je zabeležila duhovno iskustvo svog oca, dok je pomagao drugima, čak i u stanju prividne bespomoćnosti.
Kitra Cahana - Vagabond photojournalist + conceptual artist
Kitra Cahana is a Canadian photographer who blurs the line between anthropologist and journalist. Full bio
Kitra Cahana is a Canadian photographer who blurs the line between anthropologist and journalist. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I know a man who soars above the city every night.
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Znam čoveka
koji se uzdiže iznad grada svake noći.
koji se uzdiže iznad grada svake noći.
00:18
In his dreams, he twirls and swirls
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U svojim snovima on se vitla i kovitla
00:21
with his toes kissing the Earth.
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i stopalima ljubi tlo.
00:24
Everything has motion, he claims,
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Sve se pokreće, on tvrdi,
00:27
even a body as paralyzed as his own.
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čak i telo paralizovano kao njegovo.
00:31
This man is my father.
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Ovaj čovek je moj otac.
00:36
Three years ago, when I found out
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Pre tri godine, kada sam otkrila
00:38
that my father had suffered a severe stroke
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da je moj otac pretrpeo ozbiljan infarkt
00:41
in his brain stem,
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u moždanom stablu,
00:43
I walked into his room in the ICU
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ušla sam
u njegovu sobu na intenzivnoj nezi
u njegovu sobu na intenzivnoj nezi
00:46
at the Montreal Neurological Institute
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na Neurološkom institutu u Montrealu
00:49
and found him lying deathly still,
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i našla ga kako leži smrtno miran,
00:52
tethered to a breathing machine.
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prikačen na mašinu za disanje.
00:55
Paralysis had closed over his body slowly,
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Paraliza je pokorila njegovo telo polako,
00:59
beginning in his toes, then legs,
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počevši u nožnim prstima, pa nogama,
01:01
torso, fingers and arms.
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trupu, prstima i rukama.
01:04
It made its way up his neck,
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Pronašla je svoj put do vrata,
01:06
cutting off his ability to breathe,
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presecajući njegovu mogućnost da diše,
01:08
and stopped just beneath the eyes.
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i zastala ispod očiju.
01:13
He never lost consciousness.
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Nikada nije izgubio svest.
01:15
Rather, he watched from within
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Posmatrao je iznutra
01:18
as his body shut down,
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kako mu se telo gasi,
01:20
limb by limb,
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ud po ud,
01:22
muscle by muscle.
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mišić po mišić.
01:25
In that ICU room, I walked up to my father's body,
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U toj sobi, prišla sam telu svog oca,
01:30
and with a quivering voice and through tears,
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i drhtavim glasom i kroz suze,
01:33
I began reciting the alphabet.
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počela da izgovaram abecedu.
01:37
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
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A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
01:43
H, I, J, K.
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H, I, J, K.
01:47
At K, he blinked his eyes.
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Na K je trepnuo.
01:50
I began again.
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Počela sam ponovo.
01:52
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
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A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
01:56
H, I.
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H, I.
01:58
He blinked again at the letter I,
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Ponovo je trepnuo na slovo I,
02:01
then at T, then at R, and A:
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pa T, onda R, pa A:
02:05
Kitra.
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Kitra.
02:07
He said "Kitra, my beauty, don't cry.
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Rekao je "Kitra, lepoto moja,
nemoj da plačeš.
nemoj da plačeš.
02:11
This is a blessing."
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Ovo je blagoslov."
02:16
There was no audible voice, but my father
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Nije bilo zvuka, ali je moj otac
02:18
called out my name powerfully.
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pozvao moje ime snažno.
02:21
Just 72 hours after his stroke,
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Samo 72 sata posle udara,
02:24
he had already embraced
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već je prigrlio
02:26
the totality of his condition.
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celinu svog stanja.
02:30
Despite his extreme physical state,
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Uprkos njegovom
ekstremnom fizičkom stanju,
ekstremnom fizičkom stanju,
02:32
he was completely present with me,
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bio je u potpunosti prisutan sa mnom,
02:35
guiding, nurturing,
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vodeći, negujući,
02:38
and being my father as much
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i bivavši moj otac toliko
02:40
if not more than ever before.
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ako ne i više nego pre.
02:43
Locked-in syndrome
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Sindrom: zarobljen u svom telu
02:45
is many people's worst nightmare.
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je noćna mora većine ljudi.
02:48
In French, it's sometimes called
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Na francuskom je ponekad nazvan
02:51
"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."
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"maladie de l'emmuré vivant".
02:53
Literally, "walled-in-alive disease."
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Doslovno, "oboljenje živ sahranjen".
02:58
For many people, perhaps most,
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Za mnogo ljudi, većinu možda,
03:00
paralysis is an unspeakable horror,
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paraliza je neizreciv horor,
03:03
but my father's experience
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ali iskustvo moga oca
03:06
losing every system of his body
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koji gubi svaki sistem svog tela
03:08
was not an experience of feeling trapped,
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nije bilo iskustvo osećaja zarobljenosti,
03:11
but rather of turning the psyche inwards,
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već okretanje psihi,
03:15
dimming down the external chatter,
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zatamnjivanje spoljašnjeg izgleda,
03:18
facing the recesses of his own mind,
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suočavanje sa dubinama njegovog uma,
03:21
and in that place,
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i u tom trenutku,
03:23
falling in love with life and body anew.
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zaljubljivanje u život i telo iznova.
03:28
As a rabbi and spiritual man
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Kao rabin i duhovna osoba
03:31
dangling between mind and body, life and death,
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njišući se između uma i tela,
života i smrti,
života i smrti,
03:35
the paralysis opened up a new awareness for him.
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paraliza mu je otvorila nove vidike.
03:39
He realized he no longer needed to look
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Shvatio je da više nije morao da gleda
03:42
beyond the corporeal world
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izvan telesnog sveta
03:45
in order to find the divine.
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da bi pronašao božansko.
03:48
"Paradise is in this body.
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"Raj je u ovom telu.
03:52
It's in this world," he said.
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Na ovom je svetu," rekao je.
03:56
I slept by my father's side for the first four months,
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Spavala sam pored njega
prva četiri meseca,
prva četiri meseca,
04:00
tending as much as I could
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negujući koliko sam mogla
04:02
to his every discomfort,
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svaku njegovu nelagodnost,
04:04
understanding the deep
human psychological fear
human psychological fear
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razumevajući
dubok ljudski psihološki strah
dubok ljudski psihološki strah
04:08
of not being able to call out for help.
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nemogućnosti da se pozove u pomoć.
04:11
My mother, sisters, brother and I,
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Moja majka, sestre, brat i ja
04:15
we surrounded him in a cocoon of healing.
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smo ga zatvorili u čauru isceljenja.
04:19
We became his mouthpiece,
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Postali smo njegovi portparoli
04:21
spending hours each day reciting the alphabet
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provodeći sate svakoga dana
recitujući abecedu,
recitujući abecedu,
04:25
as he whispered back sermons
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dok je on šaputao propovedi
04:27
and poetry with blinks of his eye.
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i poeziju treptajima oka.
04:31
His room, it became our temple of healing.
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Njegova soba postala je hram isceljenja.
04:37
His bedside became a site for those
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Njegova postelja postala je mesto za one
04:39
seeking advice and spiritual counsel, and through us,
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koji traže savet i duhovnu utehu,
i kroz nas
i kroz nas
04:43
my father was able to speak
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moj otac mogao je da govori
04:46
and uplift,
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i stimuliše,
04:48
letter by letter,
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slovo po slovo,
04:50
blink by blink.
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treptaj po treptaj.
04:53
Everything in our world became slow and tender
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Sve je u našem svetu
postalo sporije i nežnije
postalo sporije i nežnije
04:56
as the din, drama and death of the hospital ward
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dok su buka, drama
i smrt bolničkog odeljenja
i smrt bolničkog odeljenja
05:00
faded into the background.
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bledeli u pozadini.
05:03
I want to read to you one of the first things
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Želim da vam pročitam
jednu od prvih stvari
jednu od prvih stvari
05:05
that we transcribed in the week following the stroke.
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koju smo zapisali u nedelji posle udara.
05:10
He composed a letter,
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Sastavio je pismo,
05:12
addressing his synagogue congregation,
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obraćajući se svojoj zajednici u sinagogi,
05:15
and ended it with the following lines:
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i završio ga sledećim redovima:
05:18
"When my nape exploded,
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"Kada je moj potiljak eksplodirao,
05:21
I entered another dimension:
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ušao sam u drugu dimenziju:
05:23
inchoate, sub-planetary, protozoan.
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početnu, nadplanetarnu, protozoansku.
05:28
Universes are opened and closed continually.
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Univerzumi se otvaraju i zatvaraju stalno.
05:33
There are many when low,
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Postoje mnogi koji, kada je nisko,
05:35
who stop growing.
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prestaju da rastu.
05:37
Last week, I was brought so low,
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Prošle nedelje, pao sam tako nisko,
05:39
but I felt the hand of my father around me,
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ali sam osetio ruku svoga oca oko sebe,
05:43
and my father brought me back."
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i moj otac vratio me je nazad."
05:46
When we weren't his voice,
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Kada mi nismo bili njegov glas,
05:48
we were his legs and arms.
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bili smo njegove noge i ruke.
05:52
I moved them like I know I would have wanted
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Pomerala sam ih
kao da sam znala kako bih želela
kao da sam znala kako bih želela
05:54
my own arms and legs to be moved
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da moje ruke i noge budu pomerane
05:57
were they still for all the hours of the day.
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kada bi bile mirne sve sate u toku dana.
06:01
I remember I'd hold his fingers near my face,
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Sećam se da bih držala njegove prste
blizu svog lica,
blizu svog lica,
06:05
bending each joint to keep it soft and limber.
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savijajući svaki zglob
da bi ostao mek i savitljiv.
da bi ostao mek i savitljiv.
06:09
I'd ask him again and again
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Pitala bih ga iznova i iznova
06:11
to visualize the motion,
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da vizualizuje pokrete,
06:14
to watch from within as the finger curled
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da posmatra iznutra dok se prst uvija
06:17
and extended, and to move along with it
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i ispravlja, i da se kreće zajedno sa njim
06:21
in his mind.
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u svom umu.
06:24
Then, one day, from the corner of my eye,
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Onda, jednog dana, krajičkom svog oka,
06:26
I saw his body slither like a snake,
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videla sam kako njegovo telo
klizi kao zmija,
klizi kao zmija,
06:30
an involuntary spasm passing through the course
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nehotičan trzaj prolazi kroz tok
06:33
of his limbs.
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njegovih udova.
06:35
At first, I thought it was my own hallucination,
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Isprva, mislila sam da haluciniram,
06:38
having spent so much time tending to this one body,
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provevši toliko vremena
negujući ovo jedno telo,
negujući ovo jedno telo,
06:41
so desperate to see anything react on its own.
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tako očajno želeći da vidim
da bilo šta samostalno reaguje.
da bilo šta samostalno reaguje.
06:46
But he told me he felt tingles,
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Ali mi je rekao da je osetio golicanje,
06:48
sparks of electricity flickering on and off
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iskre elektriciteta koje se pale i gase
06:52
just beneath the surface of the skin.
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ispod površine kože.
06:56
The following week, he began ever so slightly
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Sledeće nedelje, počeo je da neznatno
06:59
to show muscle resistance.
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pokazuje otpor mišića.
07:02
Connections were being made.
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Povezanost je napravljena.
07:04
Body was slowly and gently reawakening,
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Telo se polako i nežno ponovo budilo,
07:10
limb by limb, muscle by muscle,
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ud po ud, mišić po mišić,
07:13
twitch by twitch.
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trzaj po trzaj.
07:16
As a documentary photographer,
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Kao dokumentarni fotograf,
07:19
I felt the need to photograph
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osetila sam potrebu da fotografišem
07:21
each of his first movements
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svaki od ovih prvih pokreta
07:23
like a mother with her newborn.
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kao majka svoje novorođenče.
07:25
I photographed him taking his first unaided breath,
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Fotografisala sam ga
kako uzima svoj prvi nepomognut uzdah,
kako uzima svoj prvi nepomognut uzdah,
07:30
the celebratory moment after he showed
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slavljenički trenutak nakon što je pokazao
07:33
muscle resistance for the very first time,
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otpor mišića po prvi put,
07:37
the new adapted technologies that allowed him
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nove tehnologije prilagođene da mu dozvole
07:39
to gain more and more independence.
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da stekne sve više i više nezavisnosti.
07:43
I photographed the care and the love
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Fotografisala sam brigu i ljubav
07:45
that surrounded him.
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koja ga je okruživala.
07:56
But my photographs only told the outside story
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Ali moje slike pričaju
samo spoljašnju priču
samo spoljašnju priču
08:00
of a man lying in a hospital bed
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čoveka koji leži u bolničkom krevetu
08:03
attached to a breathing machine.
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privezan na mašinu za disanje.
08:05
I wasn't able to portray his story from within,
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Nisam bila u mogućnosti
da oslikam njegovu priču iznutra,
da oslikam njegovu priču iznutra,
08:08
and so I began to search for a new visual language,
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pa sam počela da tragam
za novim vizuelnim jezikom,
za novim vizuelnim jezikom,
08:12
one which strived to express the ephemeral quality
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onim koji teži
da izrazi kvalitet kratkotrajnosti
da izrazi kvalitet kratkotrajnosti
08:15
of his spiritual experience.
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duhovnog iskustva.
08:38
Finally, I want to share with you
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Na kraju, želim da podelim sa vama
08:40
a video from a series that I've been working on
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video iz serije na kojoj radim,
08:43
that tries to express the slow, in-between existence
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koja pokušava
da izrazi usporeno postojanje između,
da izrazi usporeno postojanje između,
08:46
that my father has experienced.
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koje je moj otac doživeo.
08:49
As he began to regain his ability to breathe,
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Kada je počeo
da povraća svoju sposobnost da diše,
da povraća svoju sposobnost da diše,
08:53
I started recording his thoughts,
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počela sam da snimam njegove misli,
08:55
and so the voice that you hear in this video
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pa je glas koji čujete na ovom videu
08:57
is his voice.
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njegov glas.
09:00
(Video) Ronnie Cahana: You have to believe
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(Video) Roni Kahana: Morate da verujete
09:03
you're paralyzed
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da ste paralizovani
09:06
to play the part
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da biste odigrali ulogu
09:08
of a quadriplegic.
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kvadriplegičara.
09:14
I don't.
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Ja ne verujem.
09:16
In my mind,
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U svom umu
09:18
and in my dreams
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i svojim snovima
09:21
every night
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svake noći
09:24
I Chagall-man float
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ja Šigal-čovek lebdim
09:29
over the city
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iznad grada,
09:32
twirl and swirl
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vitlam i kovitlam
09:35
with my toes kissing the floor.
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i stopalima ljubim tlo.
09:43
I know nothing about the statement
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Ne znam ništa o izrazu
09:50
of man without motion.
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čoveka bez kretanja.
09:56
Everything has motion.
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Sve ima pokrete.
09:59
The heart pumps.
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Srce pumpa.
10:03
The body heaves.
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Telo se podiže.
10:07
The mouth moves.
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Usne se pomeraju.
10:12
We never stagnate.
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Nikada ne mirujemo.
10:16
Life triumphs up and down.
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Život trijumfuje gore i dole.
10:23
Kitra Cahana: For most of us,
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Kitra Kahana: Za većinu nas,
10:25
our muscles begin to twitch and move
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naši mišići počinju da se grče i pomeraju
10:27
long before we are conscious,
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mnogo pre nego što smo svesni,
10:30
but my father tells me his privilege
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ali moj otac kaže
da je njegova privilegija
da je njegova privilegija
10:33
is living on the far periphery
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život na dalekoj periferiji
10:35
of the human experience.
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ljudskog iskustva.
10:38
Like an astronaut who sees a perspective
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Kao astronaut koji vidi perspektivu
10:41
that very few of us will ever get to share,
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koju će mali broj nas moći da podeli,
10:44
he wonders and watches as he takes
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on se čudi i posmatra dok uzima
10:47
his first breaths
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svoje prve uzdahe
10:49
and dreams about crawling back home.
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i sanja da se puzeći vrati kući.
10:53
So begins life at 57, he says.
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Tako počinje život u 57-oj, on kaže.
10:57
A toddler has no attitude in its being,
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Beba nema stav u svom biću,
11:00
but a man insists on his world every day.
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ali čovek insistira
na svom svetu svakoga dana.
na svom svetu svakoga dana.
11:06
Few of us will ever have to face physical limitations
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Malo nas će ikada morati
da se suoči sa fizičkim ograničenjima
da se suoči sa fizičkim ograničenjima
11:09
to the degree that my father has,
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do te mere kao moj otac,
11:12
but we will all have moments of paralysis
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ali ćemo svi imati momente paralize
11:16
in our lives.
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u svojim životima.
11:18
I know I frequently confront walls
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Znam da se ja često suočavam sa zidovima
11:21
that feel completely unscalable,
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koji se čine kompletno nedostižnim,
11:24
but my father insists
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ali moj otac insistira
11:27
that there are no dead ends.
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da ne postoje ćorsokaci.
11:30
Instead, he invites me into his space of co-healing
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Umesto toga,
on me pozove u svoj prostor isceljenja
on me pozove u svoj prostor isceljenja
11:35
to give the very best of myself, and for him
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da dam najbolje od sebe, i za njega
11:38
to give the very best of himself to me.
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da da najbolje od sebe za mene.
11:42
Paralysis was an opening for him.
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Paraliza je bila otvaranje za njega.
11:45
It was an opportunity to emerge,
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To je bila prilika da razjasni,
11:47
to rekindle life force,
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ponovo zapali životnu snagu,
11:49
to sit still long enough with himself
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da dovoljno dugo mirno sedi sam sa sobom
11:51
so as to fall in love with the full continuum
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da se ponovo zaljubi
u punu beskonačnost
u punu beskonačnost
stvaranja.
11:55
of creation.
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11:57
Today, my father is no longer locked in.
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Danas, moj otac više nije zaključan.
12:01
He moves his neck with ease,
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Pokreće svoj vrat sa lakoćom,
12:04
has had his feeding peg removed,
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klin za hranjenje mu je uklonjen,
12:07
breathes with his own lungs,
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diše sopstvenim plućima,
12:10
speaks slowly with his own quiet voice,
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govori polako sopstvenim tihim glasom,
12:13
and works every day
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i radi svakog dana na tome
12:15
to gain more movement in his paralyzed body.
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da stekne više pokreta
u svom paralizovanom telu.
u svom paralizovanom telu.
12:21
But the work will never be finished.
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Ali posao nikada neće biti završen.
12:23
As he says, "I'm living in a broken world,
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Kao što on kaže,
"Živim u pokvarenom svetu,
"Živim u pokvarenom svetu,
12:28
and there is holy work to do."
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i imam svetog posla da radim."
12:31
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
12:33
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Kitra Cahana - Vagabond photojournalist + conceptual artistKitra Cahana is a Canadian photographer who blurs the line between anthropologist and journalist.
Why you should listen
Kitra Cahana is a wanderer. The American-born photographer was raised in Canada and Sweden, with a father who worked as a rabbi and took his family along with him everywhere he traveled. Cahana's itinerant childhood is evident in her work, which has taken her to teenage "rainbow parties," Venezuelan spiritual rituals, Ukranian Ultra-Orthodox prayer sites, American boxcars and bus stops and many more places. The 2014 TED Fellow embeds herself in the societies she documents, playing the part of photojouralist as well as enthnographer.
Kitra Cahana | Speaker | TED.com