TED Residency
Nikki Webber Allen: Don't suffer from your depression in silence
妮琪．韋伯．艾倫: 別讓自己在沉默中受憂鬱症之苦
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製作人與行動主義者妮琪．韋伯．艾倫說，有感覺不等於軟弱，有感覺意謂著我們都是人。即使在被診斷出患有焦慮症和憂鬱症之後，韋伯．艾倫覺得太丟臉而不敢跟別人說，隱瞞自己的病情，直到發生了一件家庭悲劇，讓她發現身邊親近的人也在受苦。在這場關於心理健康的重要演說中，她大方地提及自己的痛苦掙扎，以及為什麼有色人種必須洗淨誤導憂鬱症患者為軟弱象徵的污名，因為這讓他們選擇暗自受苦，不願求助。
Nikki Webber Allen - Multimedia producer
Nikki Webber Allen is working to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health in communities of color. Full bio
Nikki Webber Allen is working to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health in communities of color. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
What are you doing on this stage
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你站在舞臺上
00:17
in front of all these people?
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這麼多人面前做什麼？
00:20
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:21
Run!
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快跑！
00:23
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:24
Run now.
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馬上跑。
00:26
That's the voice of my anxiety talking.
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那是我的焦慮在說話。
00:30
Even when there's absolutely
nothing wrong,
nothing wrong,
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即使沒出任何差錯，
00:33
I sometimes get
this overwhelming sense of doom,
this overwhelming sense of doom,
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有時候這種末日感
還是會向我襲捲而來，
還是會向我襲捲而來，
00:37
like danger is lurking
just around the corner.
just around the corner.
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就像危險就潛藏在角落。
00:41
You see, a few years ago,
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幾年前，
00:43
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety
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我被診斷出廣泛性焦慮
00:45
and depression --
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和憂鬱症──
00:47
two conditions that often go hand in hand.
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時常同時出現的兩種病症。
00:50
Now, there was a time
I wouldn't have told anybody,
I wouldn't have told anybody,
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有段時間我會瞞著大家，
00:54
especially not in front of a big audience.
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更不可能跟一大群觀眾說。
00:56
As a black woman,
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身為黑人女性，
00:58
I've had to develop
extraordinary resilience to succeed.
extraordinary resilience to succeed.
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我必須培養強大的韌性才能成功。
01:02
And like most people in my community,
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像我社群裡大多數人一樣，
01:04
I had the misconception that depression
was a sign of weakness,
was a sign of weakness,
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我對憂鬱症有種迷思，
覺得那是弱者的象徵，
覺得那是弱者的象徵，
01:07
a character flaw.
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是種缺陷。
01:09
But I wasn't weak;
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但我不是弱者，
01:11
I was a high achiever.
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我很成功。
01:12
I'd earned a Master's degree
in Media Studies
in Media Studies
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我有媒體研究學的碩士學位，
01:15
and had a string of high-profile jobs
in the film and television industries.
in the film and television industries.
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在電影電視工業有一長串傲人經歷。
01:19
I'd even won two Emmy Awards
for my hard work.
for my hard work.
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我的作品還拿過兩次艾美獎。
01:23
Sure, I was totally spent,
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當然，我被榨乾，
01:26
I lacked interest in things
I used to enjoy,
I used to enjoy,
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以前享受其中的事現在都沒興趣，
01:29
barely ate,
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我吃很少，
01:30
struggled with insomnia
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受失眠所苦，
01:32
and felt isolated and depleted.
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覺得孤立、耗竭。
01:35
But depressed?
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憂鬱症？
01:36
No, not me.
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我才沒有。
01:39
It took weeks before I could admit it,
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我花了幾個星期才承認，
01:42
but the doctor was right:
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不過醫生說的對，
01:43
I was depressed.
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我很憂鬱。
01:45
Still, I didn't tell anybody
about my diagnosis.
about my diagnosis.
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但我還是沒跟任何人說我有憂鬱症。
01:49
I was too ashamed.
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我覺得太丟臉了。
01:51
I didn't think I had the right
to be depressed.
to be depressed.
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我覺得自己沒有權利生病。
01:54
I had a privileged life
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我有優越的人生，
01:56
with a loving family
and a successful career.
and a successful career.
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家庭美滿，事業有成。
01:59
And when I thought about
the unspeakable horrors
the unspeakable horrors
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只要我一想到祖先
曾在這個國家承受過
難以言喻的恐懼，
難以言喻的恐懼，
02:02
that my ancestors
had been through in this country
had been through in this country
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02:04
so that I could have it better,
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讓我有比較好的人生，
02:06
my shame grew even deeper.
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就讓我更加自慚形穢。
02:08
I was standing on their shoulders.
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我站在他們的肩膀上，
02:11
How could I let them down?
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怎能讓他們失望？
02:13
I would hold my head up,
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我要擡頭挺胸，
02:15
put a smile on my face
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面帶微笑，
02:17
and never tell a soul.
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不跟任何人說。
02:22
On July 4, 2013,
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2013 年 7 月 4 日，
02:26
my world came crashing in on me.
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發生了一件事，重重打擊了我。
02:29
That was the day I got
a phone call from my mom
a phone call from my mom
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那天我媽打電話跟我說，
02:32
telling me that my 22-year-old nephew,
Paul, had ended his life,
Paul, had ended his life,
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我 22 歲的姪子保羅自殺了，
02:36
after years of battling
depression and anxiety.
depression and anxiety.
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他辛苦對抗憂鬱症和焦慮好幾年。
02:40
There are no words that can describe
the devastation I felt.
the devastation I felt.
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我的挫折感難以用言語形容。
02:44
Paul and I were very close,
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保羅和我以前很要好，
02:45
but I had no idea he was in so much pain.
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但是我完全沒感覺到他這麼痛苦。
02:48
Neither one of us had ever talked
to the other about our struggles.
to the other about our struggles.
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我們都沒跟別人說過自己的苦。
02:52
The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
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羞恥和污名讓我們保持沉默。
02:56
Now, my way of dealing with adversity
is to face it head on,
is to face it head on,
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我處理困境的方式是直接面對，
03:00
so I spent the next two years
researching depression and anxiety,
researching depression and anxiety,
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所以我花了兩年研究憂鬱和焦慮，
03:03
and what I found was mind-blowing.
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我的發現讓我大開眼界。
03:06
The World Health Organization reports
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世界衛生組織報告顯示
03:08
that depression is the leading cause
of sickness and disability
of sickness and disability
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憂鬱症是造成全世界
生病和失能的主要因素，
生病和失能的主要因素，
03:14
in the world.
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03:16
While the exact cause
of depression isn't clear,
of depression isn't clear,
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引發憂鬱症的原因不明，
03:19
research suggests
that most mental disorders develop,
that most mental disorders develop,
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研究指出大多數
引起精神疾病的原因，
引起精神疾病的原因，
03:22
at least in part,
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至少有部分
03:23
because of a chemical
imbalance in the brain,
imbalance in the brain,
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是因為腦部化學物質失衡，
03:26
and/or an underlying
genetic predisposition.
genetic predisposition.
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也有可能來自遺傳。
03:31
So you can't just shake it off.
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所以你不能拍拍肩膀就甩掉。
03:34
For black Americans,
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對黑人女性來說，
03:36
stressors like racism
and socioeconomic disparities
and socioeconomic disparities
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壓力源像是種族歧視、
社經地位不均，
社經地位不均，
03:40
put them at a 20 percent greater risk
of developing a mental disorder,
of developing a mental disorder,
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讓她們有多出 20% 的機率
罹患精神疾病，
罹患精神疾病，
03:45
yet they seek mental health services
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然而尋求心理諮詢的比例
03:48
at about half the rate of white Americans.
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大概只有美國白人的一半。
03:51
One reason is the stigma,
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原因之一是污名化，
03:54
with 63 percent of black Americans
mistaking depression for a weakness.
mistaking depression for a weakness.
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有 63% 黑人女性
誤認憂鬱是軟弱的象徵。
誤認憂鬱是軟弱的象徵。
04:01
Sadly, the suicide rate
among black children
among black children
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遺憾的是，黑人孩童自殺率
04:05
has doubled in the past 20 years.
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在過去 20 年間成長了一倍。
04:09
Now, here's the good news:
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好消息是，
04:12
seventy percent of people
struggling with depression will improve
struggling with depression will improve
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70% 憂鬱症患者的情況會好轉，
04:16
with therapy, treatment and medication.
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只要他們有接受治療和吃藥。
04:21
Armed with this information,
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有了這項資訊之後，
04:23
I made a decision:
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我決定
04:24
I wasn't going to be silent anymore.
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不再保持沉默。
04:28
With my family's blessing,
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帶著家人的祝福，
04:30
I would share our story
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我和大家分享我們的故事，
希望能帶動全國討論。
04:32
in hopes of sparking
a national conversation.
a national conversation.
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04:36
A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said,
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我的朋友凱莉．皮耶赫．路易斯說：
04:38
"Being strong is killing us."
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「當個強者會讓我們沒命。」
04:42
She's right.
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她說得對。
04:44
We have got to retire
those tired, old narratives
those tired, old narratives
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我們已經厭倦那些陳腔爛調，
04:48
of the strong black woman
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像是堅強的女黑人，
04:49
and the super-masculine black man,
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超有男人味的黑人，
04:52
who, no matter how many times
they get knocked down,
they get knocked down,
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他們不管被打倒幾次，
04:54
just shake it off and soldier on.
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只要甩開挫敗，就能繼續撐下去。
04:57
Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness.
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有感覺不代表軟弱。
05:02
Feelings mean we're human.
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有感覺代表我們是人。
05:04
And when we deny our humanity,
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一旦我們否認自己是人，
05:06
it leaves us feeling empty inside,
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就會讓自己感到內心空虛，
05:09
searching for ways to self-medicate
in order to fill the void.
in order to fill the void.
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然後找一些方式
自我療癒來填補空虛。
自我療癒來填補空虛。
05:12
My drug was high achievement.
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我的藥效發揮得很好。
05:16
These days, I share my story openly,
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這陣子我大方分享我的故事，
05:19
and I ask others to share theirs, too.
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也請其他人分享自己的故事。
05:22
I believe that's what it takes
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我相信這可以
05:23
to help people who may
be suffering in silence
be suffering in silence
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幫助那些沉默受苦的人，
05:26
to know that they are not alone
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讓他們知道自己不孤單，
05:28
and to know that with help,
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知道有了幫助，
05:30
they can heal.
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他們也能痊癒。
05:31
Now, I still have my struggles,
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我還是有很多痛苦掙扎，
05:33
particularly with the anxiety,
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有一部分是因為焦慮，
05:36
but I'm able to manage it
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但是我能夠應付，
05:37
through daily mediation,
yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
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透過每天吃藥、做瑜珈，
和健康一點的飲食。
和健康一點的飲食。
05:42
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:43
If I feel like things
are starting to spiral,
are starting to spiral,
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如果我開始覺得事事不順，
05:46
I make an appointment to see my therapist,
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就和我的治療師約診，
05:48
a dynamic black woman
named Dawn Armstrong,
named Dawn Armstrong,
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她是很活躍的黑人女性，
名叫陶恩．阿姆斯壯，
名叫陶恩．阿姆斯壯，
05:51
who has a great sense of humor
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她很有幽默感，
05:53
and a familiarity that I find comforting.
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還有種讓我很舒服的熟悉感。
05:57
I will always regret
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我常後悔
05:59
that I couldn't be there for my nephew.
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當年自己沒能陪在姪子身旁。
06:02
But my sincerest hope
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但是我誠摯地盼望，
06:04
is that I can inspire others
with the lesson that I've learned.
with the lesson that I've learned.
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我可以用自己學到的一課
來鼓舞大家。
來鼓舞大家。
06:11
Life is beautiful.
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生命是美好的。
06:14
Sometimes it's messy,
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有時候有點混亂，
06:16
and it's always unpredictable.
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而且總是難以預料。
06:19
But it will all be OK
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但一切都會沒事，
06:20
when you have your support system
to help you through it.
to help you through it.
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只要你有自己的支持系統
來幫助自己度過難關。
來幫助自己度過難關。
06:23
I hope that if your burden gets too heavy,
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如果你的負擔太重，
06:25
you'll ask for a hand, too.
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我希望你也能尋求協助。
06:27
Thank you.
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謝謝！
06:28
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Nikki Webber Allen - Multimedia producerNikki Webber Allen is working to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health in communities of color.
Why you should listen
Nikki Webber Allen is a two-time Emmy winner with 20 years of experience producing content for media outlets including Warner Bros., HBO, ABC, 20th Century Fox and BET.
In 2013, while working as the vice president of casting and talent relations for the cable network TV One, Webber Allen lost her 22-year old nephew, Paul, to suicide after his years of struggle with depression and anxiety. Since then, she's become a passionate mental health advocate.
In Paul's honor, she launched the nonprofit I LIVE FOR... FOUNDATION, INC. to create a safe space for honest, unapologetic conversations about mental health in communities of color, where the cultural stigma of mental illness discourages far too many people from seeking help. Michael Eric Dyson, advisor to the foundation, has called I LIVE FOR… "an incredibly important organization that offers much-needed support to those who too often suffer in silence."
Webber Allen is currently producing and directing a documentary film featuring a diverse group of compelling young men and women who reject the stigma of mental illness and share candid stories about their experiences living with depression and anxiety. The film is being scored by her husband, musician Jeffrey Allen of the Grammy-nominated R&B band Mint Condition.
In 2016, Webber Allen was one of only 47 people chosen out of more than 1,000 applicants worldwide to receive a coveted scholarship to Marie Forleo's B-School for social entrepreneurs. She has an M.A. in media studies from The New School University in New York, NY and a B.A. in communications from Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ.
Nikki Webber Allen | Speaker | TED.com