TEDMED 2018
Kate Bowler: "Everything happens for a reason" -- and other lies I've loved
凱特‧包樂: 「萬事皆有因」和其它我愛的謊言
Filmed:
Readability: 3.7
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在人生最艱苦的時刻，你要怎麼活下去？凱特‧包樂於 35 歲被診斷出癌症末期後，就不斷在問這個問題。她在這場深刻、悲痛卻又意外好笑的演講中，提供了一些答案——挑戰「萬事皆有因」這個想法。她並分享辛苦得來的智慧，在人生突然完全改變後，如何看待這個世界。「我相信在黑暗中，即使在黑暗中，也有美好的事物，也有愛，」她如是說。
Kate Bowler - Divinity professor, author
Kate Bowler is reexamining her perspective on the "prosperity gospel": the belief that good things happen to good people. Full bio
Kate Bowler is reexamining her perspective on the "prosperity gospel": the belief that good things happen to good people. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
There is some medical news
that nobody, absolutely nobody,
that nobody, absolutely nobody,
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有些健康檢查消息是沒有人，
絕對沒有人準備好要聽的。
00:16
is prepared to hear.
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00:18
I certainly wasn't.
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至少我沒有準備好。
00:20
It was three years ago
that I got a call in my office
that I got a call in my office
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三年前，
我在辦公室接到一通電話，
00:24
with the test results of a recent scan.
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通知我剛做過的掃描結果。
00:27
I was 35 and finally living
the life I wanted.
the life I wanted.
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那時我 35 歲，
終於過著自己想要的生活。
終於過著自己想要的生活。
00:31
I married my high school sweetheart
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我嫁給從高中就開始交往的男朋友，
00:33
and had finally gotten pregnant
after years of infertility.
after years of infertility.
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多年不孕之後終於懷孕了。
00:38
And then suddenly we had a Zach,
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然後突然我們就有了查克，
00:41
a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur,
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完美無瑕的一歲男寶寶／恐龍，
00:44
depending on his mood.
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看他那天的心情如何。
00:46
And having a Zach suited me perfectly.
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有查克太適合我了。
00:51
I had gotten the first job
I applied for in academia,
I applied for in academia,
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我拿到了之前申請
學術界的第一份工作，
學術界的第一份工作，
00:55
land of a thousand crushed dreams.
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那可是充滿了破碎的夢的地方。
00:58
And there I was,
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我居然在那裡，
00:59
working at my dream job
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做著我的夢想工作，
01:01
with my little baby
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還有個小寶寶，
01:03
and the man I had imported from Canada.
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還有我從加拿大進口的男人。
01:06
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:07
But a few months before,
I'd started feeling pain in my stomach
I'd started feeling pain in my stomach
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但是幾個月前，我開始有點胃痛，
01:10
and had gone to every expert
to find out why.
to find out why.
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遍訪專家要找出原因。
01:13
No one could tell me.
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沒有人能告訴我為什麼。
01:15
And then, out of the blue,
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然後，晴天霹靂，
01:17
some physician's assistant
called me at work
called me at work
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有位醫師助理
打電話到我工作的地方，
打電話到我工作的地方，
01:21
to tell me that I had stage IV cancer,
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說我得了末期癌症，
01:24
and that I was going to need
to come to the hospital right away.
to come to the hospital right away.
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還說我要立刻就醫。
01:28
And all I could think of to say was,
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而我能想到要說的只有：
01:31
"But I have a son.
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「可是我有個兒子。
01:33
I can't end.
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我不能死。
01:35
This world can't end.
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這個世界不能結束。
01:38
It has just begun."
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它才剛開始。」
01:41
And then I called my husband,
and he rushed to find me
and he rushed to find me
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然後我打電話給我先生，
他趕過來找我，
他趕過來找我，
01:44
and I said all the true things
that I have known.
that I have known.
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我對他說了所有我知道的真話，
01:46
I said, "I have loved you forever,
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我說：「我愛你愛了一輩子，
01:50
I have loved you forever.
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我愛你愛了一輩子。
01:51
I am so sorry.
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對不起。
01:53
Please take care of our son."
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請照顧我們的兒子。」
01:56
And then as I began
the walk to the hospital,
the walk to the hospital,
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然後，在我開始走路去醫院時，
01:59
it crossed my mind for the first time,
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有件事第一次閃過我的腦海，
02:02
"Oh. How ironic."
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喔。多諷刺啊！
02:05
I had just written
a book called "Blessed."
a book called "Blessed."
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我才剛剛寫了一本書，叫《蒙福》。
02:09
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:12
I am a historian
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我是歷史學家，
02:13
and an expert in the idea
that good things happen to good people.
that good things happen to good people.
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而且是「好人有好報」
這個想法的專家。
這個想法的專家。
02:17
I research a form of Christianity
nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"
nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"
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我研究一種基督教義，
暱稱「成功神學」，
暱稱「成功神學」，
02:21
for its very bold promise
that God wants you to prosper.
that God wants you to prosper.
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它非常大膽的承諾說神想要你成功。
02:25
I never considered myself
a follower of the prosperity gospel.
a follower of the prosperity gospel.
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我從來不認為自己是
成功神學的信徒。
成功神學的信徒。
02:29
I was simply an observer.
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我只是觀察者。
02:32
The prosperity gospel believes
that God wants to reward you
that God wants to reward you
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成功神學相信神要獎賞你，
02:35
if you have the right kind of faith.
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因為你有正確的信仰。
02:37
If you're good and faithful,
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如果你良善又忠心，
02:40
God will give you health and wealth
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神會賜你健康及財富，
02:42
and boundless happiness.
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還有無窮盡的快樂。
02:44
Life is like a boomerang:
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生命就像迴力鏢：
02:46
if you're good,
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如果你良善，
02:47
good things will always come back to you.
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美好的事物就會回到你身上。
02:50
Think positively. Speak positively.
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思考要正向。說話也要正向。
02:53
Nothing is impossible if you believe.
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只要你相信，什麼都有可能。
02:58
I got interested in this
very American theology
very American theology
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我開始對這種
非常美式的神學產生興趣，
非常美式的神學產生興趣，
03:01
when I was 18 or so,
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那時我十八歲左右，
03:03
and by 25 I was traveling the country
interviewing its celebrities.
interviewing its celebrities.
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二十五歲前，我已經在這個國家
四處訪問這方面的名人。
四處訪問這方面的名人。
03:08
I spent a decade talking to televangelists
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我花了十年的時間與電視佈道家談論
03:11
with spiritual guarantees
for divine money.
for divine money.
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靈命如何保證屬天財富。
03:15
I interviewed countless megachurch pastors
with spectacular hair
with spectacular hair
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我訪談了無數位大教會的牧師，
他們的髮型都好棒，
他們的髮型都好棒，
03:19
about how they live their best lives now.
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談論他們如何在現在
活出最美好的人生。
活出最美好的人生。
03:23
I visited with people
in hospital waiting rooms
in hospital waiting rooms
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我去探訪在醫院等候室的人，
03:26
and plush offices.
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還有超豪華辦公室裡的人。
03:28
I held hands with people in wheelchairs,
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我握著坐輪椅的人的手，
03:30
praying to be cured.
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禱告他們得醫治。
03:33
I earned my reputation
as destroyer of family vacations
as destroyer of family vacations
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我贏得「聲譽」，
被稱為家庭度假摧毀者，
被稱為家庭度假摧毀者，
03:37
for always insisting on being dropped off
at the fanciest megachurch in town.
at the fanciest megachurch in town.
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因為我總是堅持要去當地
最漂亮的大教會坐坐。
最漂亮的大教會坐坐。
03:42
If there was a river
running through the sanctuary,
running through the sanctuary,
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只要那裡有小溪穿過教堂，
03:45
an eagle flying freely in the auditorium,
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有老鷹在會堂裡自由飛翔，
03:48
or an enormous spinning golden globe,
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或是有個超大的旋轉金球，
03:51
I was there.
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我都會出現。
03:54
When I first started studying this,
the whole idea of being "blessed"
the whole idea of being "blessed"
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我開始研究這個的時候，
「領受祝福」這件事
「領受祝福」這件事
03:57
wasn't what it is today.
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跟今天完全不一樣。
04:00
It was not, like it is now,
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那時，不像現在，
04:02
an entire line of "#blessed" home goods.
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沒有整個「#蒙福」(#blessed)
系列的家居用品。
系列的家居用品。
04:05
It was not yet a flood of "#blessed"
vanity license plates and T-shirts
vanity license plates and T-shirts
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那時也沒有「#蒙福」
客製汽車牌照及短袖汗衫
客製汽車牌照及短袖汗衫
04:10
and neon wall art.
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及霓虹壁貼裝飾。
04:13
I had no idea that "blessed" would become
one of the most common cultural cliches,
one of the most common cultural cliches,
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我完全不知道「蒙福」會成為
被說到爛的文化陳詞，
被說到爛的文化陳詞，
04:18
one of the most used
hashtags on Instagram,
hashtags on Instagram,
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被用到爛的 Instagram 主題標籤，
04:21
to celebrate barely there bikini shots,
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被拿來讚揚清涼比基尼照，
04:24
as if to say, "I am so blessed.
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好像在說：「我真蒙福。
04:26
Thank you, Jesus, for this body."
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感謝耶穌給我這樣的身體。」
04:28
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:32
I had not yet fully grasped
the way that the prosperity gospel
the way that the prosperity gospel
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我還沒有完全掌握到成功神學
04:36
had become the great civil religion,
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怎麼變成全民信仰，
04:39
offering another transcendent account
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給予美國夢的中心思想
另一個超然的根據。
另一個超然的根據。
04:41
of the core of the American Dream.
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04:44
Rather than worshipping
the founding of America itself,
the founding of America itself,
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成功神學不是崇拜創建美國這件事，
04:47
the prosperity gospel
worshipped Americans.
worshipped Americans.
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而是崇拜美國人。
04:51
It deifies and ritualizes their hungers,
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它神化及儀式化美國人的渴望、
04:54
their hard work and moral fiber.
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勤奮及道德品質。
04:58
Americans believe in a gospel of optimism,
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美國人信仰樂觀的福音，
05:01
and they are their own proof.
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而他們自身就是證明。
05:04
But despite telling myself,
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但是儘管我告訴自己
05:06
"I'm just studying this stuff,
I'm nothing like them,"
I'm nothing like them,"
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「我只是研究這玩意，
我跟他們不一樣，」
我跟他們不一樣，」
05:09
when I got my diagnosis,
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當我得到診斷報告時，
05:11
I suddenly understood
how deeply invested I was
how deeply invested I was
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我才突然明白我有多投入
05:15
in my own Horatio Alger theology.
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我自己的霍瑞修·愛爾傑
努力就會成功的神學。
努力就會成功的神學。
05:19
If you live in this culture,
whether you are religious or not,
whether you are religious or not,
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如果你住在這個文化裡，
不管你有沒有信仰，
不管你有沒有信仰，
05:22
it is extremely difficult
to avoid falling into the trap
to avoid falling into the trap
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都很難避免掉入
美德與成功肩並肩的思想陷阱裡。
05:26
of believing that virtue
and success go hand in hand.
and success go hand in hand.
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05:31
The more I stared down my diagnosis,
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我愈盯著自己的診斷，
05:34
the more I recognized
that I had my own quiet version
that I had my own quiet version
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就愈認清原來我自己
對好人有好報這個想法
有一個低調的版本。
有一個低調的版本。
05:37
of the idea that good things
happen to good people.
happen to good people.
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05:41
Aren't I good?
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我不是很良善嗎？
05:42
Aren't I special somehow?
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我不是還算特別嗎？
05:45
I have committed zero homicides
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我還沒犯過謀殺罪，
05:47
to date.
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至少到目前為止！
05:49
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:51
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
05:53
So why is this happening to me?
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所以這怎麼會發生在我身上？
05:56
I wanted God to make me good
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我希望上帝讓我變得良善，
05:58
and to reward my faith with just a few
shining awards along the way.
shining awards along the way.
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並因我的信心而能
一路得幾個光輝的獎賞。
一路得幾個光輝的獎賞。
06:03
OK, like, a lot of shining awards.
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好吧，我承認，很多光輝的獎賞。
06:05
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:06
I believed that hardships
were only detours
were only detours
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我相信苦難只是讓我在
無庸置疑的漫漫人生中繞個路罷了。
06:09
on what I was certain would be
my long, long life.
my long, long life.
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06:14
As is this case with many of us,
it's a mindset that served me well.
it's a mindset that served me well.
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就像大多數人一樣，
這種心態對我很有幫助。
這種心態對我很有幫助。
06:19
The gospel of success drove me to achieve,
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成功神學驅使我有成就，
06:22
to dream big,
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作遠大的夢，
06:23
to abandon fear.
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放下恐懼。
06:26
It was a mindset that served me well
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這種心態對我很有幫助，
06:28
until it didn't,
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直到無用為止，
06:30
until I was confronted with something
I couldn't manage my way out of;
I couldn't manage my way out of;
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直到我面對自己無力解決的問題，
06:35
until I found myself
saying into the phone,
saying into the phone,
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直到我發現自己對著電話說：
06:37
"But I have a son,"
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「可是我還有個兒子，」
06:39
because it was all
I could think of to say.
I could think of to say.
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因為那是我唯一能想到的話。
06:45
That was the most difficult
moment to accept:
moment to accept:
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那是最難接受的時刻：
06:48
the phone call, the walk to the hospital,
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那通電話，去醫院的路，
06:51
when I realized that my own
personal prosperity gospel
personal prosperity gospel
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在我明瞭我個人的成功神學版本
06:55
had failed me.
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讓我大失所望的時候。
06:57
Anything I thought was good
or special about me could not save me --
or special about me could not save me --
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我自認自己還不錯或特別的部分
都不能拯救我——
07:02
my hard work, my personality,
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我勤奮的工作，我的人格，
07:05
my humor, my perspective.
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我的幽默，我的觀點。
07:08
I had to face the fact that my life
is built with paper walls,
is built with paper walls,
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我不得不面對事實：
我的人生是紙牆糊的，
我的人生是紙牆糊的，
07:12
and so is everyone else's.
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別人的也一樣。
07:16
It is a hard thought to accept
that we are all a breath away
that we are all a breath away
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我們很難接受這個想法，
就是在瞬息之間，
就是在瞬息之間，
07:20
from a problem that could
destroy something irreplaceable
destroy something irreplaceable
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某個難處就會摧毀無可取代的事物，
07:24
or alter our lives completely.
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或完全改變我們的生活。
07:27
We know that in life
there are befores and afters.
there are befores and afters.
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我們都知道人生有
「以前」和「以後」。
「以前」和「以後」。
07:31
I am asked all the time to say
that I would never go back,
that I would never go back,
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我總是被期待要說
「我永遠不會回頭，」
「我永遠不會回頭，」
07:36
or that I've gained
so much in perspective.
so much in perspective.
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或「我學到很多。」
07:39
And I tell them no,
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而我都會跟他們說
「不是這樣，以前更好。」
「不是這樣，以前更好。」
07:40
before was better.
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07:45
A few months after I got sick,
I wrote about this
I wrote about this
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我生病後幾個月，我寫下這個，
07:48
and then I sent it off to an editor
at the "New York Times."
at the "New York Times."
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然後送給紐約時報的某位編輯。
07:51
In retrospect, taking one of the most
vulnerable moments of your life
vulnerable moments of your life
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現在回想起來，
把人生最脆弱的時刻寫成專欄，
07:55
and turning into an op-ed
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07:57
is not an amazing way
to feel less vulnerable.
to feel less vulnerable.
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好像也不是讓自己
感覺不那麼脆弱的好方法。
感覺不那麼脆弱的好方法。
08:00
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:01
I got thousands of letters and emails.
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我收到無數封信件及電郵。
08:04
I still get them every day.
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現在我每天還是會收到。
08:07
I think it is because
of the questions I asked.
of the questions I asked.
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我想這是因為我問的問題。
08:10
I asked: How do you live
without quite so many reasons
without quite so many reasons
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我問：你要怎麼毫無疑問的活下去，
08:14
for the bad things that happen?
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如果壞事發生了？
08:17
I asked: Would it be better to live
without outrageous formulas
without outrageous formulas
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我問：這樣會不會過得更好，
如果沒有太過分的公式
如果沒有太過分的公式
08:22
for why people deserve what they get?
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解釋為什麼人應得他們得到的？
08:26
And what was so funny
and so terrible was, of course,
and so terrible was, of course,
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最好玩也是最可怕的地方當然是
08:29
I thought I asked people to simmer down
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我以為我在請求大家平靜下來，
08:31
on needing an explanation
for the bad things that happened.
for the bad things that happened.
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不要再要求解釋為什麼壞事發生了。
08:34
So what did thousands of readers do?
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那麼千萬的讀者怎麼回應？
08:37
Yeah, they wrote to defend the idea
that there had to be a reason
that there had to be a reason
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對啊，他們寫信來捍衛這個想法，
就是發生在我身上的事一定有原因。
08:41
for what happened to me.
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08:43
And they really want me
to understand the reason.
to understand the reason.
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他們真的要我去了解原因。
08:46
People want me to reassure them
that my cancer is all part of a plan.
that my cancer is all part of a plan.
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大家希望我向他們保證
我的癌症是計畫的一部分。
我的癌症是計畫的一部分。
08:51
A few letters even suggested
it was God's plan that I get cancer
it was God's plan that I get cancer
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有幾封信甚至暗示著
我得到癌症是神的計畫，
我得到癌症是神的計畫，
08:55
so I could help people
by writing about it.
by writing about it.
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所以我才能寫下來幫助別人。
08:58
People are certain
it is a test of my character
it is a test of my character
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人們確信這是對我性格的考驗，
09:01
or proof of something terrible I've done.
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或證明我做過可怕的事。
09:04
They want me to know without a doubt
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他們要我知道，毫無疑問，
09:07
that there is a hidden logic
to this seeming chaos.
to this seeming chaos.
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這看似混亂的背後
一定有個隱而未見的邏輯。
一定有個隱而未見的邏輯。
09:12
They tell my husband,
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他們對我先生說，
09:13
while I'm still in the hospital,
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2001
當時我還在醫院，
09:15
that everything happens for a reason,
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每件事發生都有理由，
09:18
and then stammer awkwardly when he says,
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然後他們只能支支吾吾，
因為他回說：
因為他回說：
09:21
"I'd love to hear it.
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「好啊，告訴我理由。
09:23
I'd love to hear the reason
my wife is dying."
my wife is dying."
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我要聽我妻子邁向死亡的理由。」
09:27
And I get it.
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我恍然大悟。
09:29
We all want reasons.
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我們都想要理由。
09:31
We want formulas
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我們要公式
09:32
to predict whether
our hard work will pay off,
our hard work will pay off,
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預測努力是否有回報，
09:36
whether our love and support
will always make our partners happy
will always make our partners happy
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預測我們的愛與支持
是否永遠都會讓另一半高興，
是否永遠都會讓另一半高興，
09:40
and our kids love us.
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讓我們的孩子愛我們。
09:43
We want to live in a world
in which not one ounce
in which not one ounce
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我們想要的世界裡，
每一分努力、每一分痛苦，
或最深切的希望都不是枉然。
或最深切的希望都不是枉然。
09:46
of our hard work or our pain
or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.
or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.
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09:52
We want to live in a world
in which nothing is lost.
in which nothing is lost.
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我們想要的世界裡，沒有任何落空。
09:58
But what I have learned
in living with stage IV cancer
in living with stage IV cancer
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3972
但是我在與末期癌症共存下學到，
10:02
is that there is no easy correlation
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我有多努力跟我的壽命
沒有簡單的關聯。
沒有簡單的關聯。
10:05
between how hard I try
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10:08
and the length of my life.
193
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10:10
In the last three years,
I've experienced more pain and trauma
I've experienced more pain and trauma
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過去三年，我經歷的痛苦與創傷，
10:14
than I ever thought I could survive.
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比我想像能承受的多很多。
10:18
I realized the other day that I've had
so many abdominal surgeries
so many abdominal surgeries
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有一天我突然發現
我開過這麼多次腹部手術，
我開過這麼多次腹部手術，
10:21
that I'm on my fifth belly button,
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我現在有第五個肚臍了，
10:23
and this last one is my least favorite.
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而且這個肚臍是我最不愛的。
10:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
10:29
But at the same time,
I've experienced love,
I've experienced love,
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3455
但是同時，我也經歷了愛，
10:32
so much love,
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2007
好多愛，
10:34
love I find hard to explain.
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2258
很難解釋的愛。
10:38
The other day, I was reading the findings
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2365
有一天，我在讀
瀕臨死亡經驗研究基金會的發現，
10:40
of the Near Death Experience
Research Foundation,
Research Foundation,
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3192
10:43
and yes, there is such a thing.
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2082
沒錯，有這種東西。
10:45
People were interviewed
about their brushes with death
about their brushes with death
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2596
人們受訪談論他們
與死亡擦身而過的經驗。
與死亡擦身而過的經驗。
10:48
in all kinds of circumstances:
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各種情況都有：
10:50
car accidents, labor and delivery,
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2468
車禍、生產、
10:52
suicides.
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1433
自殺。
10:54
And many reported the same odd thing:
210
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2357
很多人都描述同樣一件怪事：
10:57
love.
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1174
愛。
10:59
I'm sure I would have ignored it
if it hadn't reminded me
if it hadn't reminded me
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2717
我相信我會忽略這件事，
如果沒有某件親身經歷的事
喚醒我的記憶，
喚醒我的記憶，
11:01
of something I had experienced,
213
649868
1516
11:03
something I felt
uncomfortable telling anyone:
uncomfortable telling anyone:
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651408
2789
某件我覺得很難啟齒的事：
11:06
that when I was sure
that I was going to die,
that I was going to die,
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2854
當時我相信自己快死了，
11:09
I didn't feel angry.
216
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1796
我沒有生氣的感覺。
11:12
I felt loved.
217
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1561
我感受到被愛。
11:15
It was one of the most surreal things
I have experienced.
I have experienced.
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3496
這是我所經歷過最超自然的事。
11:18
In a time in which I should have
felt abandoned by God,
felt abandoned by God,
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4093
在我應該覺得被神遺棄的時刻，
11:22
I was not reduced to ashes.
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2294
我沒有化為灰燼。
11:25
I felt like I was floating,
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2345
我覺得自己好像漂浮著，
11:27
floating on the love and prayers
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1764
漂浮在愛與禱告中——
11:29
of all those who hummed
around me like worker bees,
around me like worker bees,
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3261
來自工蜂般嗡嗡圍繞著我的人——
11:33
bringing me notes and socks and flowers
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2797
他們給我慰問卡、襪子和花，
11:35
and quilts embroidered
with words of encouragement.
with words of encouragement.
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3239
還有繡著鼓勵話語的拼布被。
11:39
But when they sat beside me,
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2172
但是當他們坐在我身邊，
11:41
my hand in their hands,
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將我的手握在他們手中，
11:43
my own suffering began to feel
like it had revealed to me
like it had revealed to me
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我自己的苦難開始更像是
別人的苦難向我顯明。
別人的苦難向我顯明。
11:47
the suffering of others.
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11:49
I was entering a world
of people just like me,
of people just like me,
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我進入一個世界，裡面的人就像我，
11:53
people stumbling around in the debris
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2252
芸芸眾生被破碎的夢絆倒——
11:55
of dreams they thought
they were entitled to
they were entitled to
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2816
他們以為應得的夢——
11:58
and plans they didn't
realize they had made.
realize they had made.
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2650
還有他們沒有意識到
已經做的計畫。
已經做的計畫。
12:02
It was a feeling of being more connected,
somehow, with other people,
somehow, with other people,
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這是種莫名的感覺，
好像自己與別人更加連結，
好像自己與別人更加連結，
12:06
experiencing the same situation.
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2263
更感同身受。
12:09
And that feeling
stayed with me for months.
stayed with me for months.
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2728
那種感覺持續了好幾個月。
12:12
In fact, I'd grown so accustomed to it
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1875
事實上，我已經太習慣這種感覺，
12:14
that I started to panic
at the prospect of losing it.
at the prospect of losing it.
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我開始恐慌可能會失去它。
12:17
So I began to ask friends, theologians,
historians, nuns I liked,
historians, nuns I liked,
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6242
所以我開始問朋友、神學家、
歷史學家，我喜歡的修女：
歷史學家，我喜歡的修女：
12:23
"What I am I going to do
when that loving feeling is gone?"
when that loving feeling is gone?"
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3611
「那種愛的感覺沒有之後
我要怎麼辦？」
我要怎麼辦？」
12:28
And they knew exactly
what I was talking about,
what I was talking about,
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2302
他們都完全懂我在說什麼，
12:30
because they had either
experienced it themselves
experienced it themselves
242
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2287
因為他們自己有親身經歷過，
12:32
or they'd read about it
in great works of Christian theology.
in great works of Christian theology.
243
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3030
或有讀過關於這方面的
基督教神學偉大作品。
基督教神學偉大作品。
12:35
And they said,
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1279
他們說：
12:37
"Yeah, it'll go.
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2039
「是的，它會消失。
12:39
The feelings will go.
246
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1476
這種感覺會消失。
12:41
And there will be no formula
for how to get it back."
for how to get it back."
247
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2967
也沒有什麼方法能把它找回來。」
12:45
But they offered me
this little piece of reassurance,
this little piece of reassurance,
248
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2518
但是他們給了我一點點小小的確據，
12:48
and I clung to it.
249
756214
1362
我緊緊抓著它不放。
12:50
They said,
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1170
他們說：
12:51
"When the feelings recede like the tides,
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3094
「即使這種感覺像退潮般漸漸消失，
12:54
they will leave an imprint."
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1793
還是會留下印記。」
12:57
And they do.
253
765806
1466
的確如此。
12:59
And it is not proof of anything,
254
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3083
這沒有證明什麼，
13:03
and it is nothing to boast about.
255
771906
1834
也沒有什麼好誇的。
13:05
It was just a gift.
256
773764
1631
它就是個禮物。
13:07
So I can't respond to
the thousands of emails I get
the thousands of emails I get
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775419
2865
所以我無法回應
我所收到的成千上萬封電郵，
我所收到的成千上萬封電郵，
13:10
with my own five-step plan
to divine health
to divine health
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2684
用我自創的屬天健康五步驟
13:13
and magical floating feelings.
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781016
2110
和神奇漂浮感。
13:16
I see that the world is jolted by events
that are wonderful and terrible,
that are wonderful and terrible,
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5983
我看到這世界因各種事件而震動，
無論事件是美妙還是可怕，
13:22
gorgeous and tragic.
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790030
2350
華美還是悲慘。
13:25
I can't reconcile the contradiction,
262
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2284
我無法調解矛盾，
13:28
except that I am beginning to believe
that these opposites
that these opposites
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2912
只能開始相信這兩極
13:31
do not cancel each other out.
264
799776
2463
不能相互抵銷。
13:35
Life is so beautiful,
265
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2449
人生如此美麗，
13:37
and life is so hard.
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2000
而人生也如此困難。
13:42
Today, I am doing quite well.
267
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2691
現在，我過得還不錯。
13:46
The immunotherapy drugs
appear to be working,
appear to be working,
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814230
2831
免疫療法藥物好像有用，
13:49
and we are watching
and waiting with scans.
and waiting with scans.
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817085
2761
我們還在看，還在等掃描結果。
13:52
I hope I will live a long time.
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2197
我希望我能活很久。
13:55
I hope I will live long enough
to embarrass my son
to embarrass my son
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823990
4234
我希望我能活得夠久，
可以消遣一下兒子，
可以消遣一下兒子，
14:00
and to watch my husband
lose his beautiful hair.
lose his beautiful hair.
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828248
2944
看我的丈夫掉光漂亮的頭髮。
14:04
And I think I might.
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1449
我想我可以。
14:06
But I am learning to live
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2149
但是我還在學著過生活，
14:08
and to love
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1787
去愛，
14:10
without counting the cost,
276
838145
2218
不要計算代價，
14:12
without reasons and assurances
that nothing will be lost.
that nothing will be lost.
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4201
不要再想理由或確據，
以為什麼都不會失去。
以為什麼都不會失去。
14:17
Life will break your heart,
278
845143
2161
人生會讓你心碎，
14:20
and life may take everything you have
279
848130
2633
人生也可能會拿走你所擁有
14:22
and everything you hope for.
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850787
1737
或你希望擁有的東西。
14:25
But there is one kind
of prosperity gospel that I believe in.
of prosperity gospel that I believe in.
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4246
但是有一種成功神學是我相信的。
14:29
I believe that in the darkness,
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2368
我相信即使在黑暗中，
14:32
even there,
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1531
就算是黑暗中，
14:33
there will be beauty,
284
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1798
也有美好的事物，
14:35
and there will be love.
285
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1681
也有愛。
14:37
And every now and then,
286
865342
2483
偶爾，
14:39
it will feel like more than enough.
287
867849
3037
也會覺得綽綽有餘。
14:43
Thank you.
288
871990
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謝謝。
14:45
(Applause)
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873215
3435
（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Kate Bowler - Divinity professor, authorKate Bowler is reexamining her perspective on the "prosperity gospel": the belief that good things happen to good people.
Why you should listen
After being diagnosed with stage IV cancer at age 35, Duke tenured professor and author Kate Bowler launched a national conversation about why it feels so difficult to speak frankly about suffering. She delves into how we live and cope with pain and suffering in Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved, a New York Times bestselling memoir, and in her popular podcast, Everything Happens. She is also the author of Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel, which received widespread media and academic attention as the first history of a movement based on divine promises of health, wealth and happiness. She has appeared on NPR and The TODAY Show, Amanpour & Company as well as in the New York Times, Washington Post and TIME Magazine. Her work has also been praised by a wide variety of religious and political publications, from liberal print media to conservative talk radio.
Kate Bowler | Speaker | TED.com