TEDxParis 2012
Yann Dall'Aglio: Love -- you're doing it wrong
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In this delightful talk, philosopher Yann Dall'Aglio explores the universal search for tenderness and connection in a world that's ever more focused on the individual. As it turns out, it's easier than you think. A wise and witty reflection on the state of love in the modern age. In French with subtitles.
Yann Dall'Aglio - Philosopher
Yann Dall'Aglio is a philosopher who thinks deeply about modern love. Full bio
Yann Dall'Aglio is a philosopher who thinks deeply about modern love. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
What is love?
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It's a hard term to define
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in so far as it has a very wide application.
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I can love jogging.
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I can love a book, a movie.
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I can love escalopes.
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I can love my wife.
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(Laughter)
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But there's a great difference
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between an escalope and my wife, for instance.
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That is, if I value the escalope,
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the escalope, on the other hand,
it doesn't value me back.
it doesn't value me back.
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Whereas my wife, she calls me
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the star of her life.
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(Laughter)
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01:00
Therefore, only another desiring conscience
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can conceive me as a desirable being.
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I know this, that's why
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love can be defined in a more accurate way
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as the desire of being desired.
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Hence the eternal problem of love:
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how to become and remain desirable?
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The individual used to find
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an answer to this problem
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by submitting his life to community rules.
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You had a specific part to play
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according to your sex, your age,
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your social status,
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and you only had to play your part
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to be valued and loved by the whole community.
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Think about the young woman
who must remain chaste before marriage.
who must remain chaste before marriage.
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Think about the youngest son
who must obey the eldest son,
who must obey the eldest son,
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who in turn must obey the patriarch.
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But a phenomenon
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started in the 13th century,
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mainly in the Renaissance, in the West,
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that caused the biggest identity crisis
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in the history of humankind.
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This phenomenon is modernity.
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We can basically summarize it
through a triple process.
through a triple process.
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First, a process of rationalization
of scientific research,
of scientific research,
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which has accelerated technical progress.
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Next, a process of political democratization,
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which has fostered individual rights.
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And finally, a process of rationalization
of economic production
of economic production
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and of trade liberalization.
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These three intertwined processes
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have completely annihilated
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all the traditional bearings of Western societies,
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with radical consequences for the individual.
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Now individuals are free
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to value or disvalue
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any attitude, any choice, any object.
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But as a result, they are themselves confronted
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with this same freedom that others have
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to value or disvalue them.
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In other words, my value was once ensured
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by submitting myself
to the traditional authorities.
to the traditional authorities.
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Now it is quoted in the stock exchange.
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On the free market of individual desires,
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I negotiate my value every day.
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Hence the anxiety of contemporary man.
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He is obsessed: "Am I desirable? How desirable?
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How many people are going to love me?"
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And how does he respond to this anxiety?
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Well, by hysterically collecting
symbols of desirability.
symbols of desirability.
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(Laughter)
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I call this act of collecting,
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along with others, seduction capital.
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Indeed, our consumer society
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is largely based on seduction capital.
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It is said about this consumption
that our age is materialistic.
that our age is materialistic.
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But it's not true! We only accumulate objects
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in order to communicate with other minds.
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We do it to make them love us, to seduce them.
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Nothing could be less materialistic,
or more sentimental,
or more sentimental,
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than a teenager buying brand new jeans
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and tearing them at the knees,
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because he wants to please Jennifer.
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(Laughter)
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Consumerism is not materialism.
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It is rather what is swallowed up
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and sacrificed in the name of the god of love,
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or rather in the name of seduction capital.
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In light of this observation on contemporary love,
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how can we think of love in the years to come?
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We can envision two hypotheses:
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The first one consists of betting
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that this process of narcissistic
capitalization will intensify.
capitalization will intensify.
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It is hard to say what shape
this intensification will take,
this intensification will take,
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because it largely depends
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on social and technical innovations,
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which are by definition difficult to predict.
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But we can, for instance,
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imagine a dating website
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which, a bit like those loyalty points programs,
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uses seduction capital points
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that vary according to my age,
my height/weight ratio,
my height/weight ratio,
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my degree, my salary,
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or the number of clicks on my profile.
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We can also imagine
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a chemical treatment for breakups
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that weakens the feelings of attachment.
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By the way, there's a program on MTV already
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in which seduction teachers
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treat heartache as a disease.
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These teachers call themselves "pick-up artists."
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"Artist" in French is easy, it means "artiste."
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"Pick-up" is to pick someone up,
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but not just any picking up -- it's picking up chicks.
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So they are artists of picking up chicks.
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(Laughter)
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And they call heartache "one-itis."
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In English, "itis" is a suffix that signifies infection.
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One-itis can be translated as "an infection from one."
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It's a bit disgusting. Indeed, for the pick-up artists,
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falling in love with someone
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is a waste of time,
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it's squandering your seduction capital,
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so it must be eliminated
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like a disease, like an infection.
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We can also envision
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a romantic use of the genome.
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Everyone would carry it around
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and present it like a business card
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to verify if seduction can progress to reproduction.
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(Laughter)
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Of course, this race for seduction,
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like every fierce competition,
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will create huge disparities
in narcissistic satisfaction,
in narcissistic satisfaction,
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and therefore a lot of loneliness and frustration too.
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So we can expect that modernity itself,
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which is the origin of seduction capital,
would be called into question.
would be called into question.
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I'm thinking particularly of the reaction
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of neo-fascist or religious communes.
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But such a future doesn't have to be.
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Another path to thinking about love may be possible.
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But how?
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How to renounce the hysterical need to be valued?
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Well, by becoming aware
of my uselessness.
of my uselessness.
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(Laughter)
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Yes,
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I'm useless.
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But rest assured:
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so are you.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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We are all useless.
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This uselessness is easily demonstrated,
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because in order to be valued
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I need another to desire me,
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which shows that I do not have any value of my own.
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I don't have any inherent value.
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We all pretend to have an idol;
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we all pretend to be an idol for
someone else, but actually
someone else, but actually
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we are all impostors, a bit like a man on the street
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who appears totally cool and indifferent,
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while he has actually anticipated and calculated
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so that all eyes are on him.
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I think that becoming aware
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of this general imposture
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that concerns all of us
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would ease our love relationships.
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It is because I want to be loved
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from head to toe,
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justified in my every choice,
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that the seduction hysteria exists.
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And therefore I want to seem perfect
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so that another can love me.
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I want them to be perfect
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so that I can be reassured of my value.
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It leads to couples
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obsessed with performance
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who will break up, just like that,
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at the slightest underachievement.
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In contrast to this attitude,
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I call upon tenderness -- love as tenderness.
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What is tenderness?
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To be tender is to accept
the loved one's weaknesses.
the loved one's weaknesses.
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It's not about becoming a sad couple of orderlies.
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(Laughter)
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That's pretty bad.
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On the contrary,
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there's plenty of charm and happiness in tenderness.
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I refer specifically to a kind of humor
that is unfortunately underused.
that is unfortunately underused.
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It is a sort of poetry of deliberate awkwardness.
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I refer to self-mockery.
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For a couple who is no longer sustained, supported
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by the constraints of tradition,
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I believe that self-mockery
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is one of the best means for
the relationship to endure.
the relationship to endure.
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Yann Dall'Aglio - PhilosopherYann Dall'Aglio is a philosopher who thinks deeply about modern love.
Why you should listen
Philosopher Yann Dall'Aglio writes about love in the digital age. His two books, A Rolex at 50: Do you have the right to miss your life?and I love you: Is love a has been? explore the challenges and triumphs in the modern era, where individualism and consumerism reign. His work is a declaration of his faith in love, a major feat for a skeptical philosopher.
Yann Dall'Aglio | Speaker | TED.com