TEDxUF
LB Hannahs: What it's like to be a transgender dad
LB 漢娜斯: 當變性爸爸是什麼滋味
Filmed:
Readability: 4.1
1,324,494 views
LB 漢娜斯很坦率地分享了身為性別酷兒和家長的經驗，以及這經驗所教導的關於真實性和鼓吹的人生課題。漢娜斯說：「真實並不表示『舒服』。它意味著，要處理和協調日常生活中的不舒服。」
LB Hannahs - Educator
LB Hannahs facilitates change by leaning into discomfort and centering authenticity. Full bio
LB Hannahs facilitates change by leaning into discomfort and centering authenticity. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So the other morning
I went to the grocery store
I went to the grocery store
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有天早上，我去一間雜貨店，
00:15
and an employee greeted me
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一位員工和我打招呼，
00:16
with a "Good morning, sir,
can I help you with anything?"
can I help you with anything?"
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說：「早安，先生，
有什麼我能協助您的嗎？」
有什麼我能協助您的嗎？」
00:19
I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."
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我說：「不用，沒關係，我不需要。」
00:21
The person smiled
and we went our separate ways.
and we went our separate ways.
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他微笑一下，
我們就各自做各自的事了。
我們就各自做各自的事了。
00:23
I grabbed Cheerios
and I left the grocery store.
and I left the grocery store.
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我買了早餐穀片（Cheerios）後，
離開了雜貨店。
離開了雜貨店。
00:26
And I went through the drive-through
of a local coffee shop.
of a local coffee shop.
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接著我開車到
本地咖啡店的得來速車道。
本地咖啡店的得來速車道。
00:28
After I placed my order,
the voice on the other end said,
the voice on the other end said,
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我點好餐之後，另一端的聲音說：
00:31
"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."
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「謝謝您，女士，請開過來。」
00:33
Now, in the span of less than an hour,
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在不到一小時的時間內，
00:35
I was understood
both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
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我被認為是「先生」及「女士」。
00:38
But for me, neither
of these people are wrong,
of these people are wrong,
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但對我來說，
這兩個人都沒有錯，
這兩個人都沒有錯，
00:40
but they're also not completely right.
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但他們也沒有完全正確。
00:44
This cute little human
is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
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這個可愛的小傢伙，
是我的艾略特，快要兩歲了。
是我的艾略特，快要兩歲了。
00:48
Yeah, alright.
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是的，沒錯。
00:50
And over the past two years,
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在過去兩年間，
00:51
this kid has forced me
to rethink the world
to rethink the world
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這個孩子迫使我重新思考這個世界，
00:53
and how I participate in it.
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及我要如何參與其中。
00:55
I identify as transgender and as a parent,
that makes me a transparent.
that makes me a transparent.
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我是變性人（transgender）
也是家長 （parent），
也是家長 （parent），
所以我成了透明人（transparent）。
01:00
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:02
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
01:04
(Cheering)
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（歡呼）
01:06
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
01:11
As you can see, I took
this year's theme super literal.
this year's theme super literal.
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你們可以發現，我完全取用了
今年 TED 主題的字面意思。
今年 TED 主題的字面意思。
01:15
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:16
Like any good dad joke should.
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老爸笑話本來就該如此。
01:19
More specifically, I identify
as genderqueer.
as genderqueer.
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更明確來說，我是性別酷兒，
01:21
And there are lots of ways
to experience being genderqueer,
to experience being genderqueer,
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而身為性別酷兒的體驗有很多種，
01:24
but for me that means I don't
really identify as a man or a woman.
really identify as a man or a woman.
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但對我來說，那就意味著
我不被視為男人或女人。
我不被視為男人或女人。
01:27
I feel in between and sometimes
outside of this gender binary.
outside of this gender binary.
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我感覺身在兩性中間，
有時還覺得在兩性之外。
有時還覺得在兩性之外。
01:31
And being outside of this gender binary
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而身在兩性之外，
01:33
means that sometimes I get
"sired" and "ma'amed"
"sired" and "ma'amed"
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就意味著，我只是出門做例行事項，
有時也會在不到一小時中，
被稱為「先生」及「女士」。
被稱為「先生」及「女士」。
01:35
in the span of less than an hour
when I'm out doing everyday things
when I'm out doing everyday things
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買個早餐穀片也會如此。
01:38
like getting Cheerios.
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但我走在中間這線道上
才感到最舒適。
才感到最舒適。
01:40
But this in between lane
is where I'm most comfortable.
is where I'm most comfortable.
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在這個空間中，我可以
既是先生也是女士，
既是先生也是女士，
01:42
This space where I can be
both a sir and a ma'am
both a sir and a ma'am
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這是我覺得最對也最真實的空間。
01:45
feels the most right
and the most authentic.
and the most authentic.
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01:47
But it doesn't mean that these
interactions aren't uncomfortable.
interactions aren't uncomfortable.
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但那並不表示這些互動是舒服的。
相信我，不舒服的範圍
可以從小小的煩擾感
可以從小小的煩擾感
01:50
Trust me, the discomfort can range
from minor annoyance
from minor annoyance
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到實際覺得不安全。
01:53
to feeling physically unsafe.
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比如，大學時，有次在酒吧裡，
01:54
Like the time at a bar in college
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01:56
when a bouncer physically
removed me by the back of the neck
removed me by the back of the neck
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有位保鏢從我脖子後面抓我，
直接把我拖出女廁。
01:58
and threw me out of a woman's restroom.
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02:00
But for me, authenticity
doesn't mean "comfortable."
doesn't mean "comfortable."
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但對我來說，
真實並不表示「舒服」。
真實並不表示「舒服」。
02:03
It means managing and negotiating
the discomfort of everyday life,
the discomfort of everyday life,
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它意味著，要處理和協調
日常生活中的不舒服，
日常生活中的不舒服，
02:06
even at times when it's unsafe.
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即使是在不安全的時候。
02:09
And it wasn't until
my experience as a trans person
my experience as a trans person
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一直到我身為變性者的經驗
02:11
collided with my new identity as a parent
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和我作為家長的新身份產生衝突時，
02:13
that I understood
the depth of my vulnerabilities
the depth of my vulnerabilities
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我才知道我的脆弱有多深，
02:15
and how they are preventing me
from being my most authentic self.
from being my most authentic self.
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以及脆弱如何讓我無法
做最真實的自己。
做最真實的自己。
對大部分人來說，
他們的孩子要如何稱呼他們，
他們的孩子要如何稱呼他們，
02:20
Now, for most people,
what their child will call them
what their child will call them
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02:22
is not something
that they give much thought to
that they give much thought to
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是不用多想的事情，
用文化上很明確的用詞即可，
或性別稱謂的其他同義詞，
或性別稱謂的其他同義詞，
02:24
outside of culturally specific words
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02:26
or variations on a gendered theme
like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."
like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."
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如「媽媽」、「媽咪」、
「爹地」、「爸爸」。
「爹地」、「爸爸」。
02:30
But for me, the possibility
is what this child,
is what this child,
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但對我來說，
這個孩子將來也會長大
這個孩子將來也會長大
02:32
who will grow to be a teenager
and then a real-life adult,
and then a real-life adult,
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成為青少年，成為成人，
而在我們接下來的生命中，
他會如何稱呼我，
他會如何稱呼我，
02:35
will call me for the rest of our lives,
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02:37
was both extremely scary and exciting.
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非常讓人害怕，卻也讓人興奮。
02:41
And I spent nine months wrestling
with the reality that being called "mama"
with the reality that being called "mama"
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我花了九個月的時間，
為了「媽媽」這件事掙扎，
為了「媽媽」這件事掙扎，
02:44
or something like it
didn't feel like me at all.
didn't feel like me at all.
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類似這類的事，
讓我覺得完全不像自己。
讓我覺得完全不像自己。
不論我試過多少次，
換過多少版本的「媽媽」，
換過多少版本的「媽媽」，
02:47
And no matter how many times
or versions of "mom" I tried,
or versions of "mom" I tried,
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02:49
it always felt forced
and deeply uncomfortable.
and deeply uncomfortable.
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感覺就是很生硬，
且有種深深的不舒服。
且有種深深的不舒服。
02:52
I knew being called "mom" or "mommy"
would be easier to digest for most people.
would be easier to digest for most people.
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我知道對多數人，被稱為「媽媽」
或「媽咪」會比較容易消化。
或「媽咪」會比較容易消化。
02:56
The idea of having two moms
is not super novel,
is not super novel,
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有兩個媽媽並不是非常新奇的事，
02:59
especially where we live.
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特別是在我們住的地方。
03:01
So I tried other words.
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所以，我試了其他的用詞。
03:03
And when I played around
with "daddy," it felt better.
with "daddy," it felt better.
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當我用「爹地」胡鬧著玩時，
感覺是比較好。
感覺是比較好。
03:06
Better, but not perfect.
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比較好，但不完美。
03:09
It felt like a pair of shoes
that you really liked
that you really liked
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感覺就像一雙你真的很喜歡的鞋子，
03:11
but you needed to wear and break in.
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但你得穿它、適應它。
03:13
And I knew the idea of being
a female-born person being called "daddy"
a female-born person being called "daddy"
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我知道因為我出生是女生，
要被稱為「爹地」
要被稱為「爹地」
會是很艱辛的路，
且必然會有很多不舒服的時刻。
且必然會有很多不舒服的時刻。
03:17
was going to be a harder road
with a lot more uncomfortable moments.
with a lot more uncomfortable moments.
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03:20
But, before I knew it, the time had come
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但是不知不覺間，時間就到了，
03:22
and Elliot came screaming
into the world, like most babies do,
into the world, like most babies do,
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艾略特就像大部分的
寶寶一樣，呱呱落地，
寶寶一樣，呱呱落地，
03:25
and my new identity as a parent began.
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而我身為家長的新身份就開始了。
03:28
I decided on becoming a daddy,
and our new family faced the world.
and our new family faced the world.
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我決定要當爹地，
我們的新家庭要面對這個世界。
我們的新家庭要面對這個世界。
03:32
Now one of the most common things
that happens when people meet us
that happens when people meet us
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當大家遇到我們的時候，
最常發生的狀況是
最常發生的狀況是
03:35
is for people to "mom" me.
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他們會稱我為「媽」。
03:36
And when I get "momed", there are
several ways the interaction can go,
several ways the interaction can go,
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當我被稱為「媽」時，
接下來的互動會有幾種可能狀況，
接下來的互動會有幾種可能狀況，
我畫了張地圖協助說明我的選項。
03:40
and I've drawn this map
to help illustrate my options.
to help illustrate my options.
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03:43
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:45
So, option one is to ignore the assumption
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選項一是無視這個假設，
03:48
and allow folks to continue
to refer to me as "mom,"
to refer to me as "mom,"
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讓大家繼續把我稱為「媽」，
03:51
which is not awkward for the other party,
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這樣對方並不會覺得尷尬，
03:53
but is typically really awkward for us.
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但尷尬的通常是我們。
03:55
And it usually causes me to restrict
my interaction with those people.
my interaction with those people.
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且這會造成我沒那麼想和那些人互動。
03:59
Option one.
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選項一。
04:00
Option two is to stop and correct them
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選項二是停下來，指正他們，
04:03
and say something like,
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說類似這樣的話：
04:05
"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad"
or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
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「其實，我是艾略特的爸爸。」
或「艾略特稱我為『爹地』。」
或「艾略特稱我為『爹地』。」
04:08
And when I do this, one or two
of the following things happen.
of the following things happen.
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當我這麼做時，
下面的這些事有可能會發生。
下面的這些事有可能會發生。
04:11
Folks take it in stride
and say something like, "Oh, OK."
and say something like, "Oh, OK."
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對方從容應對，說：「喔，好。」
04:14
And move on.
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就繼續聊下去。
04:16
Or they respond by apologizing profusely
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或是他們會再三道歉，
04:18
because they feel bad or awkward
or guilty or weird.
or guilty or weird.
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因為他們感覺很糟、
很尷尬、很罪惡，或很怪。
很尷尬、很罪惡，或很怪。
04:22
But more often, what happens
is folks get really confused
is folks get really confused
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但通常，會發生的是，
對方感到十分困惑，
對方感到十分困惑，
04:25
and look up with an intense look
and say something like,
and say something like,
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表情會很緊繃，
接著說類似這樣的話：
接著說類似這樣的話：
04:29
"Does this mean you want to transition?
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「這表示你想要變性嗎？
04:31
Do you want to be a man?"
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你想要當男人？」
04:32
Or say things like,
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或是說：
04:34
"How can she be a father?
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「她怎麼能當父親？
04:35
Only men can be dads."
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只有男人才能當爹地。」
04:38
Well, option one is oftentimes
the easier route.
the easier route.
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選項一通常是比較簡單的路。
04:40
Option two is always
the more authentic one.
the more authentic one.
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選項二是則向來都是比較真實的。
以上所有情境，
都帶有一定程度的不舒服，
都帶有一定程度的不舒服，
04:43
And all of these scenarios
involve a level of discomfort,
involve a level of discomfort,
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在最好的狀況下也一樣。
04:46
even in the best case.
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04:47
And I'll say that over time, my ability
to navigate this complicated map
to navigate this complicated map
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隨著時間過去，我使用
這張複雜地圖找方向的能力
這張複雜地圖找方向的能力
有變得比較容易。
04:50
has gotten easier.
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但仍然會有不舒服。
04:51
But the discomfort is still there.
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04:53
Now, I won't stand here and pretend
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我不會站在這裡假裝
04:55
like I've mastered this,
it's pretty far from it.
it's pretty far from it.
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我已經精通了竅門，還遠得很。
04:57
And there are days when I still allow
option one to take place
option one to take place
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還是有些時候，我會讓選項一發生，
只因為選項二實在
太困難或太冒險了。
太困難或太冒險了。
05:00
because option two
is just too hard or too risky.
is just too hard or too risky.
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05:04
There's no way to be sure
of anyone's reaction,
of anyone's reaction,
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沒辦法確定任何人的反應會是什麼。
05:07
and I want to be sure
that folks have good intentions,
that folks have good intentions,
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而我想要確定大家有好的意圓，
05:10
that people are good.
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大家是好人。
05:11
But we live in a world
where someone's opinion of my existence
where someone's opinion of my existence
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但在我們所居住的世界，
某些人對我的存在會有意見，
某些人對我的存在會有意見，
05:14
can be met with serious threats to me
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這會對我造成嚴重的威脅，
05:16
or even my family's emotional
or physical safety.
or physical safety.
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甚至會威脅到我家人的
情緒或實體安全，
情緒或實體安全，
05:19
So I weigh the costs against the risks
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所以我權衡了風險和成本，
05:23
and sometimes the safety of my family
comes before my own authenticity.
comes before my own authenticity.
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且有時我家人的安全比
我自己的真實性更重要。
我自己的真實性更重要。
05:28
But despite this risk,
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但儘管有這樣的風險，
05:30
I know as Elliot gets older and grows into
her consciousness and language skills,
her consciousness and language skills,
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我知道當艾略特長大些，
開始有意識且學會語言技巧之後，
開始有意識且學會語言技巧之後，
05:34
if I don't correct people, she will.
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若我不去指正別人，她也會去做。
05:37
I don't want my fears and insecurities
to be placed on her,
to be placed on her,
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我不希望我的恐懼和
不安全感被加諸在她身上，
不安全感被加諸在她身上，
05:40
to dampen her spirit
or make her question her own voice.
or make her question her own voice.
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讓她意志消沉，或是
讓她質疑她自己的聲音。
讓她質疑她自己的聲音。
05:43
I need to model agency,
authenticity and vulnerability,
authenticity and vulnerability,
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我得要示範出能動性、
真實性，和脆弱性，
真實性，和脆弱性，
05:46
and that means leaning into those
uncomfortable moments of being "momed"
uncomfortable moments of being "momed"
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而那就意味著要去接觸那些
被稱為「媽」的不舒服時刻，
被稱為「媽」的不舒服時刻，
05:50
and standing up and saying,
"No, I'm a dad.
"No, I'm a dad.
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並站出來說：「不，我是爸爸。
05:53
And I even have
the dad jokes to prove it."
the dad jokes to prove it."
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我甚至會說爸爸笑話，可以當證明。」
05:55
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:58
Now, there have already been
plenty of uncomfortable moments
plenty of uncomfortable moments
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我已經遇過了許多不舒服的時刻，
甚至有些痛苦的時刻。
06:01
and even some painful ones.
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但在我當爸爸的這短短兩年中，
06:02
But there's also been,
in just two short years,
in just two short years,
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也有許多讓我感到確認、
有時甚至感到轉變的時刻，
有時甚至感到轉變的時刻，
06:04
validating and at times transformative
moments on my journey as a dad
moments on my journey as a dad
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這是我邁向真實性的路。
06:07
and my path towards authenticity.
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06:10
When we got our first sonogram,
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看到第一張超音波圖時，
06:11
we decided we wanted to know
the sex of the baby.
the sex of the baby.
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我們決定想要知道寶寶的性別。
技師看到陰部，把「是女孩」
這幾個字打在螢幕上，
這幾個字打在螢幕上，
06:14
The technician saw a vulva
and slapped the words "It's a girl"
and slapped the words "It's a girl"
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給我們一份複本，就讓我們走了。
06:17
on the screen and gave us a copy
and sent us on our way.
and sent us on our way.
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06:21
We shared the photo
with our families like everyone does
with our families like everyone does
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就和一般人一樣，
我們把這照片和家人分享，
我們把這照片和家人分享，
06:24
and soon after, my mom showed up
at our house with a bag filled --
at our house with a bag filled --
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沒多久，我媽媽帶著一個袋子
來我們家，裝滿了──
來我們家，裝滿了──
06:27
I'm not exaggerating,
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我沒誇飾，
06:28
it was like this high and it was filled,
overflowing with pink clothes and toys.
overflowing with pink clothes and toys.
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它大概有這麼高，裝得滿滿的，
全是粉紅的衣服和玩具。
全是粉紅的衣服和玩具。
06:35
Now I was a little annoyed to be
confronted with a lot of pink things,
confronted with a lot of pink things,
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面對一大堆粉紅色的東西，
其實讓我感到有點煩，
其實讓我感到有點煩，
06:38
and having studied gender
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我研究過性別，
06:39
and spent countless hours teaching
about it in workshops and classrooms,
about it in workshops and classrooms,
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也在研討會和教室教性別，
投入無數個小時，
投入無數個小時，
我以為我很了解性別的社會建構，
06:43
I thought I was pretty well versed
on the social construction of gender
on the social construction of gender
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06:46
and how sexism is a devaluing
of the feminine
of the feminine
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以及性別主義如何貶低女性，
06:49
and how it manifests
both explicitly and implicitly.
both explicitly and implicitly.
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以及它用什麼方式顯現，
包括內在以及外在。
包括內在以及外在。
06:52
But this situation, this aversion
to a bag full of pink stuff,
to a bag full of pink stuff,
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但在這個情況下，
對一大袋粉紅物品的反感，
對一大袋粉紅物品的反感，
迫使我去探究我
對於我孩子的世界中
對於我孩子的世界中
06:57
forced me to explore my rejection
of highly feminized things
of highly feminized things
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那些高度女性化的物品的排拒。
07:00
in my child's world.
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07:03
I realized that I was reinforcing sexism
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我發現我反而是在增援那些我教學時
07:05
and the cultural norms
I teach as problematic.
I teach as problematic.
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說有問題的事物：
性別主義以及文化標準。
性別主義以及文化標準。
07:08
No matter how much I believed
in gender neutrality in theory,
in gender neutrality in theory,
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不論我多麼相信理論上的性別中立，
07:11
in practice, the absence of femininity
is not neutrality, it's masculinity.
is not neutrality, it's masculinity.
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在實際上，缺乏女性化並不是
表示中性，而是表示男性化。
表示中性，而是表示男性化。
07:18
If I only dress my baby
in greens and blues and grays,
in greens and blues and grays,
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如果我只讓我的寶寶穿
綠色、藍色，以及灰色，
綠色、藍色，以及灰色，
外在世界並不會認為：「喔，
那是個很可愛的性別中性寶寶。」
那是個很可愛的性別中性寶寶。」
07:21
the outside world doesn't think,
"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
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07:25
They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."
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他們會想：「喔，好可愛的男孩。」
07:28
So my theoretical understanding of gender
and my parenting world collided hard.
and my parenting world collided hard.
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所以，我對於性別理論的了解
和我教養子女的世界用力地相撞。
和我教養子女的世界用力地相撞。
07:32
Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys
for my child to experience.
for my child to experience.
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是的，我希望我的孩子
能體驗到多樣化的顏色和玩具。
能體驗到多樣化的顏色和玩具。
07:36
I want a balanced
environment for her to explore
environment for her to explore
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我希望她去探索的
是一個平衡的環境，
是一個平衡的環境，
07:38
and make sense of in her own way.
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讓她用自己的方式去理解。
07:40
We even picked a gender-neutral name
for our female-born child.
for our female-born child.
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我們甚至為出生為女性的孩子
挑了一個中性的名字。
挑了一個中性的名字。
但要做到性別中性，
在理論上比實際上容易得多。
在理論上比實際上容易得多。
07:43
But gender neutrality is much easier
as a theoretical endeavor
as a theoretical endeavor
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07:46
than it is as a practice.
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07:48
And in my attempts
to create gender neutrality,
to create gender neutrality,
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而在我試圖創造性別中性的過程中，
07:51
I was inadvertently privileging
masculinity over femininity.
masculinity over femininity.
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我不經意就會偏袒
男性化多於女性化。
男性化多於女性化。
07:55
So, rather than toning down
or eliminating femininity in our lives,
or eliminating femininity in our lives,
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所以，我們不是將我們生活中的
女性成份給降低或消除，
女性成份給降低或消除，
07:58
we make a concerted effort
to celebrate it.
to celebrate it.
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而是同心協力去讚頌它。
08:01
We have pinks among the variety of colors,
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我們有各種顏色，當中也有粉紅色，
08:03
we balance out the cutes with handsomes
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我們在可愛和帥氣間找到平衡，
08:05
and the prettys with strongs and smarts
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在美麗和強壯與聰明間找到平衡，
08:07
and work really hard
not to associate any words with gender.
not to associate any words with gender.
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並非常努力不要把
字詞和性別拉上關係。
字詞和性別拉上關係。
08:10
We value femininity and masculinity
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我們重視女性氣質以及男子氣概，
同時對此也非常吹毛求疵。
08:13
while also being highly critical of it.
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我們盡力不讓她覺得
會受到性別角色的限制。
會受到性別角色的限制。
08:15
And do our best to not make her feel
limited by gender roles.
limited by gender roles.
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08:18
And we do all this in hopes
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我們做這一切的目的，
是希望成為我們孩子的榜樣，
展現健康且有自主權的關係。
展現健康且有自主權的關係。
08:20
that we model a healthy and empowered
relationship with gender for our kid.
relationship with gender for our kid.
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08:25
Now this work to develop a healthy
relationship with gender for Elliot
relationship with gender for Elliot
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為了艾略特，我們努力
與性別建立健康的關係，
與性別建立健康的關係，
這麼做讓我重新思考
和評估我要如何讓性別主義
和評估我要如何讓性別主義
08:28
made me rethink and evaluate
how I allowed sexism to manifest
how I allowed sexism to manifest
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在我自己的性別身分中呈現。
08:31
in my own gender identity.
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08:33
I began to reevaluate
how I was rejecting femininity
how I was rejecting femininity
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我開始重新評估我如何抗拒女性特質，
08:36
in order to live up to a masculinity
that was not healthy
that was not healthy
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只為了堅持不健康的男子氣概，
08:39
or something I wanted to pass on.
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或是我想要傳遞的訊息。
08:41
Doing this self-work
meant I had to reject option one.
meant I had to reject option one.
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進行這項自我功課
就意味著我得放棄選項一。
就意味著我得放棄選項一。
我不能當作沒事就繼續下去。
08:44
I couldn't ignore and move on.
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08:46
I had to choose option two.
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我得要選擇選項二。
08:48
I had to engage with some
of my most uncomfortable parts
of my most uncomfortable parts
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我得要面對一些
讓我覺得最不舒服的部分，
讓我覺得最不舒服的部分，
才能朝向我最真實的自己前進。
08:51
to move towards my most authentic self.
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那就表示，我得要實際點，
面對我對我身體的不舒服。
面對我對我身體的不舒服。
08:53
And that meant I had to get real
about the discomfort I have with my body.
about the discomfort I have with my body.
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08:58
It's pretty common for trans people
to feel uncomfortable in their body,
to feel uncomfortable in their body,
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對變性人來說，對自己的身體
感到不舒服是很常見的狀況。
感到不舒服是很常見的狀況。
09:02
and this discomfort can range
from debilitating to annoying
from debilitating to annoying
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這種不舒服，
從無力感到厭煩感都有，
從無力感到厭煩感都有，
以及兩者間的範圍。
09:04
and everywhere in between.
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09:06
And learning my body and how
to be comfortable in it as a trans person
to be comfortable in it as a trans person
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了解我的身體及如何舒適地
處在其中，扮演變性人的角色，
處在其中，扮演變性人的角色，
是一生的漫長旅程。
09:09
has been a lifelong journey.
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09:11
I've always struggled
with the parts of my body
with the parts of my body
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對於我身體上被定義為
比較女性化的部分，
比較女性化的部分，
09:13
that can be defined as more feminine --
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總是讓我很掙扎──
09:15
my chest, my hips, my voice.
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我的胸部、臀部、聲音。
我做了個有時困難、有時簡單的決定，
09:17
And I've made the sometimes hard,
sometimes easy decision
sometimes easy decision
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09:20
to not take hormones
or have any surgeries to change it
or have any surgeries to change it
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就是不要用賀爾蒙或手術來做改變，
09:23
to make myself more masculine
by society's standards.
by society's standards.
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來讓我更符合社會的男性化標準。
09:27
And while I certainly haven't overcome
all the feelings of dissatisfaction,
all the feelings of dissatisfaction,
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雖然我肯定還沒有
克服所有不滿的感受，
克服所有不滿的感受，
09:30
I realized that by not engaging
with that discomfort
with that discomfort
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但我了解到，若不去面對那種不舒服
並找到正面、肯定的方式
看待我的身體，
看待我的身體，
09:33
and coming to a positive
and affirming place with my body,
and affirming place with my body,
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09:36
I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia
and modeling body shaming.
and modeling body shaming.
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反而是在助長性別主義、
跨性別恐懼症、以及示範身體羞辱。
跨性別恐懼症、以及示範身體羞辱。
09:40
If I hate my body,
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如果我討厭我的身體，
09:42
in particular, the parts
society deems feminine or female,
society deems feminine or female,
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特別是被社會視為
陰柔或女性化的部分，
陰柔或女性化的部分，
09:45
I potentially damage how my kid
can see the possibilities of her body
can see the possibilities of her body
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我可能就會讓我的孩子
無法好好看見她的身體、
無法好好看見她的身體、
以及她陰柔或女性化的部分，
具有什麼樣的可能性。
具有什麼樣的可能性。
09:49
and her feminine and female parts.
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09:51
If I hate or am uncomfortable
with my body,
with my body,
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如果我討厭我的身體
或對它感到不舒服，
或對它感到不舒服，
我怎能期望我的孩子會愛她的身體？
09:54
how can I expect my kid to love hers?
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09:57
Now it would be easier for me
to choose option one:
to choose option one:
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對我來說，選擇選項一
是比較容易的：
是比較容易的：
10:01
to ignore my kid when she asks me
about my body or to hide it from her.
about my body or to hide it from her.
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若我的孩子問我關於我身體的問題，
不理會她或是對她隱瞞。
不理會她或是對她隱瞞。
10:04
But I have to choose option two every day.
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但我每天都得要選擇選項二。
10:07
I have to confront my own assumptions
about what a dad's body can and should be.
about what a dad's body can and should be.
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我得正視我對於父親的身體可以
或應該是什麼樣子所做的假設。
或應該是什麼樣子所做的假設。
所以我每天都努力嘗試，
對這具身體以及我的女性化表現
對這具身體以及我的女性化表現
10:11
So I work every day to try
and be more comfortable in this body
and be more comfortable in this body
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10:15
and in the ways I express femininity.
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感到更舒適一些，
10:17
So I talk about it more,
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所以我更常去談它，
10:18
I explore the depths of this discomfort
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我更深入去探索這種不舒服，
10:20
and find language
that I feel comfortable with.
that I feel comfortable with.
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並找到我覺得舒服的表達方式。
這種日常的不舒服，協助我
針對如何呈現我的身體及
針對如何呈現我的身體及
10:22
And this daily discomfort helps me build
both agency and authenticity
both agency and authenticity
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我的性別，建立能動性和真實性。
10:26
in how I show up in my body
and in my gender.
and in my gender.
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10:28
I'm working against limiting myself.
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我在努力不要限制我自己。
10:31
I want to show her
that a dad can have hips,
that a dad can have hips,
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我想要讓她知道，
爸爸也可以有臀部，
爸爸也可以有臀部，
爸爸不一定要有非常平坦的胸部，
10:33
a dad doesn't have to have
a perfectly flat chest
a perfectly flat chest
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甚至不用有鬍子。
10:35
or even be able to grow facial hair.
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10:38
And when she's developmentally able to,
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當她發育夠成熟之後，
10:40
I want to talk to her
about my journey with my body.
about my journey with my body.
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我想要和她談我身體的這段旅程。
10:42
I want her to see my journey
towards authenticity
towards authenticity
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我想要她了解
我朝向真實性前進的旅程，
我朝向真實性前進的旅程，
即使那意味著要
讓她看到比較糟的部分。
讓她看到比較糟的部分。
10:45
even when it means showing her
the messier parts.
the messier parts.
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10:49
We have a wonderful pediatrician
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我們有個很棒的小兒科醫生，
10:50
and have established a good relationship
with our kid's doctor.
with our kid's doctor.
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我們也和我們孩子的醫生
建立了很好的關係。
建立了很好的關係。
你們都知道，雖然醫生是同一位，
10:53
And as you all know,
while your doctor stays the same,
while your doctor stays the same,
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10:56
your nurses and nurse practitioners
change in and out.
change in and out.
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但護士和執業護士的流動率很高。
當艾略特剛出生時，
我們帶她去看小兒科醫生，
我們帶她去看小兒科醫生，
10:59
And when Elliot was first born,
we took her to the pediatrician
we took her to the pediatrician
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我們遇到了第一位護士──
我們叫她莎菈。
我們叫她莎菈。
11:02
and we met our first nurse --
we'll call her Sarah.
we'll call her Sarah.
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在我們和莎菈互動的很早期，
11:04
Very early in in our time with Sarah,
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我們就告訴她我會被稱為「爸爸」，
11:06
we told her how I was
going to be called "dad"
going to be called "dad"
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我的另一半是「媽媽」。
11:08
and my partner is "mama."
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11:10
Sarah was one of those folks
that took it in stride,
that took it in stride,
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莎菈是屬於那種從容接受的人，
我們後續的造訪就都很順利。
11:12
and our subsequent visits
went pretty smoothly.
went pretty smoothly.
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大約一年後，莎菈換班了，
11:15
And about a year later,
Sarah switched shifts
Sarah switched shifts
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我們開始要面對一個
新的護士──我們叫她貝琪。
新的護士──我們叫她貝琪。
11:17
and we started working
with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
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11:20
We didn't get in front
of the dad conversations
of the dad conversations
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我們並沒有主動談爸爸的事，
11:22
and it didn't actually come up
until Sarah, our original nurse,
until Sarah, our original nurse,
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直到有一次原本的護士莎菈
走進來打招呼時，
走進來打招呼時，
這個話題才被提起。
11:25
walked in to say hi.
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莎菈很溫暖很活潑，
和艾略特、我，和我妻子說嗨，
和艾略特、我，和我妻子說嗨，
11:26
Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi
to Elliot and me and my wife
to Elliot and me and my wife
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11:29
and when talking to Elliot
said something like,
said something like,
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她跟艾略特說了類似這樣的話：
「你的爹地拿的是你的玩具嗎？」
11:31
"Is your daddy holding your toy?"
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11:33
Now out of the corner of my eye,
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我從眼角餘光可以看到
11:35
I could see Becky
swing around in her chair
swing around in her chair
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坐著的貝琪突然轉向，
怒目看著莎菈。
11:37
and make daggers at Sarah.
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11:40
And as the conversation shifted
to our pediatrician,
to our pediatrician,
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當對談轉到小兒科醫生那邊時，
11:42
I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction
continue, and it went something like this.
continue, and it went something like this.
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我看見莎菈和貝琪的互動持續著，
狀況類似這樣。
狀況類似這樣。
貝琪搖頭表示「不」，
嘴型說的是「媽媽」。
嘴型說的是「媽媽」。
11:46
Becky, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "mom."
and mouthing the word "mom."
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11:50
Sarah, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "no, dad."
and mouthing the word "no, dad."
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莎菈搖頭表示「不」，
嘴型說的是「不，爸爸」。
嘴型說的是「不，爸爸」。
（笑聲）
11:55
(Laughter)
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11:57
Awkward, right?
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很尷尬，對吧？
11:58
So this went back and forth
in total silence a few more times
in total silence a few more times
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這樣完全沉默地來來回回了幾次，
直到我們離開。
12:01
until we walked away.
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12:03
Now, this interaction has stuck with me.
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我無法忘懷這段互動。
莎菈可以選擇選項一，
12:05
Sarah could have chosen option one,
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12:07
ignored Becky, and let her
refer to me as mom.
refer to me as mom.
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不理會貝琪，就讓她稱為我媽媽。
12:11
It would have been easier for Sarah.
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那對莎菈來說會比較容易。
她本來應該把責任丟回來給我，
什麼都不用多說。
什麼都不用多說。
12:13
She could have put the responsibility
back on me or not said anything at all.
back on me or not said anything at all.
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12:16
But in that moment, she chose option two.
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但在那一刻，她選擇了選項二。
12:19
She chose to confront the assumptions
and affirm my existence.
and affirm my existence.
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她選擇勇敢面對那樣的假設，
並肯定我的存在。
並肯定我的存在。
12:23
She insisted that a person
who looks and sounds like me
who looks and sounds like me
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她堅持看起來、聽起來
像我這樣的人，
像我這樣的人，
其實是可以當爸爸的。
12:26
can in fact be a dad.
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12:27
And in a small but meaningful way,
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她以一種雖微小但有意義的方式
12:29
advocated for me,
my authenticity and my family.
my authenticity and my family.
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為我發聲，為我的
真實性和我的家庭發聲。
真實性和我的家庭發聲。
12:33
Unfortunately, we live in a world
that refuses to acknowledge trans people
that refuses to acknowledge trans people
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不幸的是，我們所居住的
世界拒絕承認變性人
世界拒絕承認變性人
一般來說，
也拒絕承認變性人的多樣性。
也拒絕承認變性人的多樣性。
12:38
and the diversity
of trans people in general.
of trans people in general.
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12:41
And my hope is that when confronted
with an opportunity
with an opportunity
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我的願望是，當遇到可以為他人
站出來的機會時，
12:44
to stand up for someone else,
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我們都能像莎菈一樣
採取行動，即使會有風險。
採取行動，即使會有風險。
12:46
we all take action like Sarah,
even when there's risk involved.
even when there's risk involved.
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12:50
So some days, the risk of being
a genderqueer dad feels too much.
a genderqueer dad feels too much.
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有些時候，身為性別酷兒
爸爸的風險讓我難以承受。
爸爸的風險讓我難以承受。
12:55
And deciding to be a dad
has been really hard.
has been really hard.
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決定要當爸爸也是一件很困難的事。
12:57
And I'm sure it will continue
to be the hardest,
to be the hardest,
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我相信這決定也會一直是最困難的，
13:00
yet the most rewarding
experience of my life.
experience of my life.
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但這卻會是我人生中最有報酬的經驗。
13:02
But despite this challenge,
every day has felt 100 percent worth it.
every day has felt 100 percent worth it.
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儘管很有挑戰，我仍然
覺得每天都 100% 值得。
覺得每天都 100% 值得。
13:06
So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot
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所以，每天我對艾略特做出承諾，
也正是我對我自己的承諾。
13:09
and that same promise to myself.
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13:12
To love her and myself hard
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要努力去愛她以及愛我自己，
帶著寬恕和同理心，
13:14
with forgiveness and compassion,
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13:16
with tough love and with generosity.
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帶著嚴厲的愛以及慷慨。
13:19
To give room for growth,
to push beyond comfort
to push beyond comfort
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給予成長的空間，走出舒適圈，
13:22
in hopes of attaining and living
a more meaningful life.
a more meaningful life.
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希望能夠達成並過著更有意義的人生。
13:26
I know in my head and in my heart
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我的大腦和我的心都知道，
13:27
that there are hard and painful
and uncomfortable days ahead.
and uncomfortable days ahead.
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未來還有困難、痛苦、
不舒服的日子在等著。
不舒服的日子在等著。
13:31
My head and my heart also know
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我的大腦和我的心也知道，
13:32
that all of it will lead
to a more rich, authentic life
to a more rich, authentic life
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這一切終將會引我們
到更豐富、更真實的人生，
到更豐富、更真實的人生，
讓我回頭看時，也不會有遺憾。
13:35
that I can look back on without regrets.
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謝謝。
13:38
Thank you.
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13:39
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
LB Hannahs - EducatorLB Hannahs facilitates change by leaning into discomfort and centering authenticity.
Why you should listen
By reimagining gender and justice in parenting, LB Hannahs works to find more and better ways to develop socially conscious kids in the modern world. As a scholar-practitioner, Hannahs develops strategies to help organizations through change while working to make them more equitable and just. They are the Special Assistant to the Vice President for Student Affairs at the University Florida and is finishing a PhD in Higher Education Administration, researching the impact of diversity policies on higher education. Hannahs also serves as the Chair for Strategic Development Initiatives for the National Consortium of Higher Education LGBT Resource Professionals.
LB Hannahs | Speaker | TED.com