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Bill Bernat: How to connect with depressed friends
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Want to connect with a depressed friend but not sure how to relate to them? Comedian and storyteller Bill Bernat has a few suggestions. Learn some dos and don'ts for talking to people living with depression -- and handle your next conversation with grace and maybe a bit of humor.
Bill Bernat - Mental health awareness advocate
Bill Bernat is a recovering addict living with bipolar condition who advocates for mental health awareness through speaking, comedy and storytelling. Full bio
Bill Bernat is a recovering addict living with bipolar condition who advocates for mental health awareness through speaking, comedy and storytelling. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
The one conversation that uplifted me
more than any other in my life
more than any other in my life
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was with a woman who told me
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how, a few days earlier,
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she drove her Jeep Wrangler
to the edge of the Grand Canyon
to the edge of the Grand Canyon
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and sat there, revving the engine,
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thinking about driving over.
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Even though I had severe social anxiety,
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in that conversation,
I was totally at ease.
I was totally at ease.
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(Laughter)
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She told me what was going on in her life
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in the days and months leading up,
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what her thoughts were
at that exact moment,
at that exact moment,
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why she wanted to die,
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and why she didn't do it.
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We nodded and half-smiled,
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and then it was my turn
to talk about my journey
to talk about my journey
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to a dining table
in the hygienic community area
in the hygienic community area
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of the mental health wing
of a mountain-town hospital.
of a mountain-town hospital.
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I took too many sleeping pills,
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and after they treated me for that,
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they were like, "Hey, we would love it
if you would be our guest
if you would be our guest
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in the psych ward."
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(Laughter)
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We joked that her suicide
would have made a way better postcard.
would have made a way better postcard.
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(Laughter)
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We talked shop.
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(Laughter)
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She allowed me to be deeply depressed
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and have a genuine connection
to another person, simultaneously.
to another person, simultaneously.
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For the first time,
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I identified as somebody
living with depression,
living with depression,
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and I felt good about it --
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like I was wasn't a bad person for it.
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Now imagine one of the people
at that table was a member of your family
at that table was a member of your family
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or a close friend.
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Would you be comfortable talking to them?
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What if instead of the hospital,
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they were at your kitchen table
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and told you they were really depressed?
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The World Health Organization
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says that depression is the leading cause
of ill health and disability worldwide,
of ill health and disability worldwide,
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affecting 350 million people.
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The National Institute of Mental Health
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reports seven percent of Americans
experiencing depression in a year.
experiencing depression in a year.
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So depression is super common,
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yet in my experience,
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most folks don't want
to talk to depressed people
to talk to depressed people
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unless we pretend to be happy.
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A cheerful facade is appropriate
for casual interactions.
for casual interactions.
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A depressed person can ask for extra syrup
in their pumpkin spice latte
in their pumpkin spice latte
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without explaining that they need it
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because they're trapped
in the infinite darkness of their soul
in the infinite darkness of their soul
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and they've lost all hope of escape --
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(Laughter)
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again.
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(Laughter)
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Depression doesn't diminish
a person's desire
a person's desire
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to connect with other people,
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just their ability.
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So in spite of what you might think,
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talking to friends and family
living with depression
living with depression
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can be really easy and maybe even fun.
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Not, like, Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga-
at-an-underground-party fun --
at-an-underground-party fun --
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I'm talking about the kind of fun
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where people enjoy
each other's company effortlessly.
each other's company effortlessly.
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Nobody feels awkward,
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and no one accuses the sad person
of ruining the holidays.
of ruining the holidays.
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Why does this chasm even exist?
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On the one side,
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you have people living with depression
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who may act in off-putting
or confusing ways
or confusing ways
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because they're fighting
a war in their head
a war in their head
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that nobody else can see.
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On the other side,
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the vast majority of people
look across the chasm
look across the chasm
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and shake their heads,
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like, "Why you gotta be so depressed?"
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You may recognize
a divide like this in your life.
a divide like this in your life.
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Do you want to build a bridge across it?
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You may not want to build a bridge --
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and that's a totally valid choice.
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Or maybe you'd like to build
a stronger connection,
a stronger connection,
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but you have a lot
of questions and concerns.
of questions and concerns.
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You're what I might call "bridge curious."
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(Laughter)
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Here are some possible reasons
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why some of you
may avoid depressed people.
may avoid depressed people.
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You might be afraid
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that if you talk to somebody
while they're depressed,
while they're depressed,
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you're suddenly responsible
for their well-being.
for their well-being.
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You're not expected to be Dr. Phil.
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Just be friendly --
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more like Ellen.
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(Laughter)
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You may worry that you won't
know what to say,
know what to say,
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and every attempt
at conversation will be awkward,
at conversation will be awkward,
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and the only time you'll feel comfortable
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is when you both just give up on talking
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and stare at your phones.
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Words are not the most important
thing to focus on.
thing to focus on.
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You might fear seeing your shadow.
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Hey, if you have been
successfully outrunning
successfully outrunning
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your personal emotional demons,
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that's awesome.
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May the wind be at your back.
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(Laughter)
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You can be the least
woo-woo person in the world
woo-woo person in the world
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and still connect with depressed people.
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Maybe you've heard
that depression is contagious,
that depression is contagious,
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and you're afraid of catching it.
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Bring some hand sanitizer.
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(Laughter)
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You're much more likely to catch
the joy of human bonding.
the joy of human bonding.
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Maybe you see
depressed people differently.
depressed people differently.
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You think of them as flawed or defective.
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Multiple university studies have shown
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that A students are more likely
to have bipolar condition.
to have bipolar condition.
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Our brains aren't broken or damaged,
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they just work differently.
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I spent a lot of years thinking
happy people just don't get it.
happy people just don't get it.
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(Laughter)
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I did eventually stop
discriminating against happy people --
discriminating against happy people --
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(Laughter)
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I began battling depression
when I was eight,
when I was eight,
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and decades later, to my surprise,
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I started winning.
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I shifted from being miserable
much of the time
much of the time
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to enjoying life.
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I live pretty well
with my bipolar condition,
with my bipolar condition,
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and I've overcome some other
mental health conditions
mental health conditions
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like overeating, addiction
and social anxiety.
and social anxiety.
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So I live on both sides of this chasm.
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And I'm offering some guidance
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based on my experience
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to help you build a bridge across it
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if you want to.
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It's not hard science,
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but I worked with a lot people
I know who've lived with depression
I know who've lived with depression
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to refine these suggestions.
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First up, some things
you might want to avoid --
you might want to avoid --
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some "don'ts."
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One of the most off-putting
things you can say is,
things you can say is,
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"Just get over it."
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Great idea -- love it,
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it's just we already thought of that.
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(Laughter)
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The absence of the ability
to just get over it is depression.
to just get over it is depression.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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We feel it in our bodies --
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it's a physical thing for us.
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And medically it's no different
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from telling someone
with a broken ankle or cancer,
with a broken ankle or cancer,
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"just get over it."
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Don't be hell-bent on fixing us.
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Like, thank you, but ...
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the pressure can make us depressed people
feel like we're disappointing you.
feel like we're disappointing you.
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Also, things that make
some people feel better
some people feel better
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may not work for us.
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You can't cure clinical depression
by getting ice cream ...
by getting ice cream ...
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which is unfortunate, because
that would be living the dream.
that would be living the dream.
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(Laughter)
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Don't take a negative response personally.
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So, I have a friend who, about a year ago,
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messaged me that he was really
isolated and depressed.
isolated and depressed.
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And I suggested some things for him to do,
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and he was like, "No, no and no."
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And I got mad,
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like, how dare he not embrace
my brilliant wisdom?
my brilliant wisdom?
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(Laughter)
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And then I remembered
times I've been depressed,
times I've been depressed,
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and how I thought I was doomed
in all possible futures,
in all possible futures,
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or everybody suddenly hated me,
and things like that.
and things like that.
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It didn't matter how many people
told me otherwise --
told me otherwise --
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I didn't believe them.
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So I let my friend know I cared,
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and I didn't take it personally.
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Don't let a lack of bubbly
happiness freak you out.
happiness freak you out.
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It's not a shark attack.
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"Call the coast guard, my friend is sad!"
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(Laughter)
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We can be sad and OK at the same time.
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I'm going to say that again,
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because in our society,
we're taught the opposite,
we're taught the opposite,
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and so it's counterintuitive.
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People can be sad and OK at the same time.
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So some of these things may apply
to you personally, some may not.
to you personally, some may not.
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Take what's useful.
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And remember, you don't have to connect.
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If you want to,
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here are some suggestions that may help --
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some "dos."
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Talk to us in your natural voice, right?
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(Laughter)
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You don't need to put on a sad voice
because we're depressed --
because we're depressed --
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you don't sneeze when you're talking
to somebody with a cold.
to somebody with a cold.
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(Laughter)
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It's not rude to be upbeat.
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You can be you, OK?
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If you make an offer to be there for us,
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clearly state what you can and can't do.
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I have told people,
"Hey, call or text any time,
"Hey, call or text any time,
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but I might not be able
to get back to you that same day."
to get back to you that same day."
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It's totally cool to not make an offer,
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or to make a narrow offer
with really clear boundaries around it.
with really clear boundaries around it.
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Give us a sense of control.
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Like, get our consent.
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I have a friend who, a while back,
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when I was having a depressive episode,
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reached out and said,
"Hey, I want to check in with you.
"Hey, I want to check in with you.
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Can I call you every day?
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Maybe text you every day
and call later in the week?
and call later in the week?
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What works for you?"
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By getting my permission,
she earned my complete confidence
she earned my complete confidence
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and remains one of my best friends today.
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And my last suggestion is:
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interact about not depression,
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aka, normal stuff.
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I have a friend who,
when people were worried about him,
when people were worried about him,
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they would call and ask
if he wanted to go shopping
if he wanted to go shopping
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or help them clean out their garage.
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Your depressed friends
could be a good source of free labor --
could be a good source of free labor --
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(Laughter)
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What I'm really getting at is,
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invite them to contribute
to your life in some way,
to your life in some way,
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even if it's as small
as asking you to go see a movie
as asking you to go see a movie
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that you wanted to see in the theater.
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So that's a lot
of dos and don'ts and maybes,
of dos and don'ts and maybes,
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and it's not by any means
a definitive list.
a definitive list.
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The thing to remember
is that they're all grounded
is that they're all grounded
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in one guiding principle.
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It's what allowed the woman
in the Jeep Wrangler
in the Jeep Wrangler
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to start me on the path to recovery
without even trying.
without even trying.
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She talked to me like I belonged
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and contributed exactly as I was
at that moment.
at that moment.
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If you talk to a depressed person
as if their life is just as valuable,
as if their life is just as valuable,
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intense and beautiful as yours,
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then there's no need
to build a bridge between you,
to build a bridge between you,
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because you've closed the chasm.
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Focus on that instead of your words,
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and it may be the most uplifting
conversation of their life.
conversation of their life.
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What could that do
for somebody you care about?
for somebody you care about?
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What could it do for you?
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Bill Bernat - Mental health awareness advocateBill Bernat is a recovering addict living with bipolar condition who advocates for mental health awareness through speaking, comedy and storytelling.
Why you should listen
Bill Bernatleads storytelling workshops and fundraisers for nonprofit organizations including the National Alliance on Mental Illness. He has appeared on Comedy Central and The Moth Radio Hour. He has worked as a computer programmer at NASA and helped take LookSmart public as an engineering leader. He currently works as a content marketing director for Adaptiva.
Bill Bernat | Speaker | TED.com