TEDxOrlando
Tammy Lally: Let's get honest about our money problems
Tammy Lally: Bodimo pošteni o svojih finančnih problemih
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Otepanje finančnega primanjkljaja in urejanje financ je splošno vsem. Odkrito in odprto govoriti o tem pa ni. Zakaj prikrivamo svoje denarne probleme? V tem globokem, osebnem govoru nas avtorica Tammy Lally vzpodbuja, da presekamo 'finančni sram', in nam pokaže, kako nehati enačiti svoj bančni račun z svojo notranjo vrednostjo.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
Have you every had to break
your family's rules?
your family's rules?
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Ste že kdaj morali prekršiti
družinska pravila?
družinska pravila?
00:16
Today, I'm breaking mine,
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Jaz bom danes prekršila svojega
00:18
around money, secrecy and shame.
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o denarju, skrivnostnosti in sramoti.
00:23
In 2006, on my brother Keith's
40th birthday, he called.
40th birthday, he called.
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Leta 2006 me je brat Keith
poklical na svoj 40. rojstni dan.
poklical na svoj 40. rojstni dan.
00:29
"Tam, I'm in dire straits.
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"Tam, v težavah sem.
00:32
I wouldn't ask unless I had to.
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Ne bi te prosil, če ne bi bilo nujno.
00:36
Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"
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Mi posodiš 7500 dolarjev?"
00:40
This wasn't the first time
he needed quick cash,
he needed quick cash,
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To ni bilo prvič, da je na hitro
potreboval gotovino.
potreboval gotovino.
00:43
but this time, his voice frightened me.
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A tokrat me je njegov glas prestrašil.
00:47
I had never heard him
so beaten down and shameful,
so beaten down and shameful,
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Še nikoli ga nisem slišala tako
potolčenega in osramočenega,
potolčenega in osramočenega,
00:54
and it was on his 40th birthday.
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pa še njegov 40. rojstni dan je bil.
01:01
After a few basic questions
that we would all ask,
that we would all ask,
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Po nekaj osnovnih vprašanjih,
ki bi jih vsi zastavili,
ki bi jih vsi zastavili,
01:05
I agreed to loan him the money,
but under one condition:
but under one condition:
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sem privolila, da mu bom posodila
denar, a pod enim pogojem:
denar, a pod enim pogojem:
01:10
that as the financial
professional in the family,
professional in the family,
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da se kot finančna strokovnjakinja
v naši družini
v naši družini
01:12
I wanted to meet with him and his wife
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srečam z njim in njegovo ženo,
01:14
to see what was really happening.
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da vidim, kaj se res dogaja.
01:17
Weeks later, we met
at the local Starbucks,
at the local Starbucks,
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Nekaj tednov kasneje
smo se sestali v bližnjem Starbucksu
smo se sestali v bližnjem Starbucksu
01:21
and I started right in
with the tough-love budget conversation.
with the tough-love budget conversation.
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in začela sem kruti pogovor o denarju.
01:26
"You should sell the house,
downsize to something you can afford,
downsize to something you can afford,
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"Prodajta hišo, kupita kaj manjšega,
kar si lahko privoščita,
kar si lahko privoščita,
01:30
sell the toys.
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prodajta 'igrače'.
01:32
And Starbucks?
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In Starbucks?
01:34
Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."
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Odpovejta se vsakodnevni
kavi za 5 dolarjev.
kavi za 5 dolarjev.
01:37
You know, all the trappings that we do
to keep up with the Joneses.
to keep up with the Joneses.
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Saj veste, vsem vidnim znamenjem moči,
samo da bi bili boljši kot sosedje.
samo da bi bili boljši kot sosedje.
01:42
Quickly, my brother and his wife
went into a fearsome blame game,
went into a fearsome blame game,
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Brat in njegova žena sta se hitro
zapletla v strašno igro obtoževanja
zapletla v strašno igro obtoževanja
01:47
and it got messy.
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in postalo je zoprno.
01:49
I vacillated between therapist
and pissed-off sister.
and pissed-off sister.
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Omahovala sem med terapevtom
in besno sestro.
in besno sestro.
01:56
I wanted them to be better than this.
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Želela sem, da bi bila boljša kot to.
01:58
"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.
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"Dajta no, vzemita se v roke.
02:02
You're parents.
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Starša sta.
02:03
Grow up and buck up."
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Odrastita že in glavo pokonci."
02:08
After we left, I called my mom,
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Ko smo se poslovili, sem poklicala mamo,
02:12
but Keith beat me to it,
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a Keith me je prehitel
02:14
and he told her that I wasn't helpful.
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in ji povedal, da nisem bila koristna.
Bil je užaljen in je imel občutek,
da sem se zarotila proti njemu.
da sem se zarotila proti njemu.
02:17
In fact, he was hurt
and felt ganged-up on.
and felt ganged-up on.
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02:24
Of course he did. I shamed him
with my tough-love budget conversation.
with my tough-love budget conversation.
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Seveda se je. Osramotila sem ga s
svojim krutim pogovorom o denarju.
svojim krutim pogovorom o denarju.
02:33
Two months went by when I received a call.
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Čez dva meseca sem prejela klic.
02:36
"Tam? I have bad news.
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"Tam, slabo novico imam.
02:40
Keith committed suicide last night."
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Keith je sinoči naredil samomor."
02:47
Days later, at his home,
I went looking for answers,
I went looking for answers,
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Nekaj dni kasneje sem pri njemu doma
iskala odgovore
iskala odgovore
02:52
in his "office" -- the garage.
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v njegovi 'pisarni' - v garaži.
02:56
There, I found a stack
of overdue credit card bills
of overdue credit card bills
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Našla sem kupe zapadlih računov
za kreditne kartice
za kreditne kartice
03:00
and a foreclosure notice served to him
on the day that he died.
on the day that he died.
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in obvestilo o zasegi hipoteke,
ki ga je prejel na dan, ko je umrl.
ki ga je prejel na dan, ko je umrl.
03:24
My brother left behind
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
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Moj brat je zapustil
prelepo desetletno hčerko,
prelepo desetletno hčerko,
03:29
his brilliant 18-year-old son,
weeks before his high school graduation,
weeks before his high school graduation,
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brilijantnega osemnajstletnega
sina in to nekaj tednov pred maturo,
sina in to nekaj tednov pred maturo,
03:34
and his wife of 20 years.
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ter ženo, s katero je bil poročen 20 let.
03:38
How did this happen?
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Kako je prišlo do tega?
03:42
My brother was caught
in our family's money-shame cycle,
in our family's money-shame cycle,
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Moj brat je bil ujet v sramotnem finančnem
začaranem krogu naše družine
začaranem krogu naše družine
03:46
and he was far from alone in this.
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in še zdaleč ni bil sam.
03:50
Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64
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Število samomorov pri odraslih
med 40. in 64. letom starosti
med 40. in 64. letom starosti
03:55
have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
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se je od leta 1999 zvišalo
za skoraj 40 odstotkov.
za skoraj 40 odstotkov.
04:00
Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures
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Izguba službe, bankrot
in zaplemba hipoteke
in zaplemba hipoteke
04:03
were present in nearly
40 percent of the deaths,
40 percent of the deaths,
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so bili prisotni v skoraj
40 odstotkih teh smrti,
40 odstotkih teh smrti,
04:06
with white middle-aged men
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
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pri belih moških srednjih let
pa so predstavljali 7 od 10 samomorov.
pa so predstavljali 7 od 10 samomorov.
04:13
What I've learned
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Kar sem se iz tega naučila,
04:16
is that our self-destructive
and self-defeating financial behaviors
and self-defeating financial behaviors
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je, da našega samouničujočega
finančnega vedenja
finančnega vedenja
04:22
are not driven
by our rational, logical minds.
by our rational, logical minds.
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ne vodi racionalen, logičen razum.
04:27
Instead, they are a product
of our subconscious belief systems
of our subconscious belief systems
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Namesto tega je rezultat
naših podzavestnih prepričanj,
naših podzavestnih prepričanj,
04:33
rooted in our childhoods
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ki so ukoreninjeni v našem otroštvu
04:35
and so deeply ingrained in us,
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in tako zelo zažrti v nas,
04:38
they shape the way that we deal with money
our entire adult lives,
our entire adult lives,
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da oblikujejo naš odnos do denarja
skozi vse naše odraslo življenje
skozi vse naše odraslo življenje
04:43
and so many of you are left believing
that you're lazy,
that you're lazy,
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Mnogi ste prepričani, da ste leni,
04:49
crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.
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nori ali neumni - ali pa samo
ne znate z denarjem.
ne znate z denarjem.
04:55
This is what I call money shame.
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To imenujem finančni sram.
04:59
Dr. Brené Brown,
a well-known shame researcher,
a well-known shame researcher,
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Dr. Brené Brown, svetovno znana
raziskovalka sramu,
raziskovalka sramu,
05:02
defines shame as "the intensely
painful feeling or experience
painful feeling or experience
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sram definira kot 'intenzivno boleč
občutek ali izkušnjo
občutek ali izkušnjo
05:09
of believing that we are flawed,
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prepričanja, da smo pokvarjeni
05:12
and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging."
of love and belonging."
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in torej nevredni ljubezni in pripadanja'.
05:17
Based on this definition,
here's how I'm defining money shame:
here's how I'm defining money shame:
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Na podlagi te definicije jaz
finančni sram definiram takole:
finančni sram definiram takole:
05:23
"the intensely painful
feeling or experience
feeling or experience
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'intenzivno boleč občutek ali izkušnja
05:26
of believing that we are flawed,
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prepričanja, da smo pokvarjeni
05:29
and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging,
of love and belonging,
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in torej nevredni ljubezni in pripadanja,
05:32
based on our bank account balances,
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na podlagi našega finančnega stanja,
05:35
our debts, our homes, our cars
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naših dolgov, naših domov, naših avtov
05:40
and our job titles."
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in naših službenih nazivov.'
05:43
Let me give you a couple
of examples of what I mean.
of examples of what I mean.
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Naj vam dam nekaj primerov.
05:47
I believe that we all have money shame,
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Verjamem, da vsi nosimo finančni sram,
05:50
whether you earn
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
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pa naj zaslužimo 10 000 ali 10 milijonov
dolarjev na leto,
dolarjev na leto,
05:54
and it's because we give money
all of our power.
all of our power.
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in to zato, ker denarju dajemo vso moč.
05:59
Here's what it would look like
if someone that you love, or you,
if someone that you love, or you,
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Takole izgleda, če nekdo,
ki ga ljubite, ali vi sami
ki ga ljubite, ali vi sami
06:03
might have money shame.
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morda ima finančni sram.
06:06
They play the big shot,
always picking up the check,
always picking up the check,
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Dela se veliko živino, vedno pobere račun,
06:09
financially rescuing family and friends.
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finančno rešuje družino in prijatelje.
06:12
They are financially secure,
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Finančno je varen,
06:14
but they live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.
of chronic not-enoughness.
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a živi v stanju kronične nezadostnosti.
06:20
They drive a Mercedes, but their budget
really only can afford a Honda.
really only can afford a Honda.
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Vozi mercedesa, zares pa si lahko
privošči le hondo.
privošči le hondo.
06:28
And they're looking good at every cost.
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In za vsako ceno dobro izgleda.
06:32
I know that we can break free
from the grips of money shame,
from the grips of money shame,
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Vem, da se lahko rešimo
iz krempljev finančnega sramu,
iz krempljev finančnega sramu,
06:36
because I did.
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ker sem se tudi jaz.
06:39
Shortly after my brother's death,
the Recession hit.
the Recession hit.
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Kmalu po bratovi smrti
je udarila recesija.
je udarila recesija.
06:43
I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.
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Zgubila sem svoj posel
in se soočila z bankrotom.
in se soočila z bankrotom.
06:48
Secretly, I was terrified.
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Na skrivaj sem bila na smrt prestrašena.
06:53
I stayed in my home for a year,
thinking I did something wrong,
thinking I did something wrong,
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Eno leto sem ostala doma,
prepričana, da sem naredila nekaj narobe.
prepričana, da sem naredila nekaj narobe.
06:59
told myself, "What did you do?
What happened?"
What happened?"
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Govorila sem si: "Kaj si naredila?
Kaj se je zgodilo?"
Kaj se je zgodilo?"
07:03
I stayed silent, while all along,
I went outside and smiled.
I went outside and smiled.
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Molčala sem, a ves čas
sem hodila ven in se smehljala.
sem hodila ven in se smehljala.
07:09
Nobody knew.
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Nihče ni vedel.
07:11
That's money shame.
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To je finančni sram.
07:14
So what I had to do
was let go of the grip that I had
was let go of the grip that I had
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Kar sem morala narediti, je,
izviti se iz krempljev prepričanja,
izviti se iz krempljev prepričanja,
07:20
on knowing all the answers.
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da imam vse odgovore.
07:22
I was the know-it-all in my family,
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V svoji družini sem bila pametnjakovič.
07:25
and I had to give up the idea
that a new financial plan
that a new financial plan
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In morala sem opustiti idejo,
da je novi finančni načrt
da je novi finančni načrt
07:30
was the solution.
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rešitev.
07:33
And so just like everything
in my life, for me,
in my life, for me,
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In tako so mi kot vedno v življenju
07:38
I was sent a human to help,
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poslali človeka na pomoč
07:42
and I accepted the help,
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in sprejela sem pomoč,
07:46
but I had to do major self-inquiry
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a morala sem se lotiti veliko
samoizpraševanja
samoizpraševanja
07:49
about my family's money history
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o finančni zgodovini svoje družine
07:52
and my money beliefs.
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in svojih prepričanjih o denarju.
07:56
We have to start having this conversation.
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Moramo se začeti pogovarjati o tem.
08:00
Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
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Denar ne more več biti tabu tema.
08:04
We have to get honest with each other
that we're suffering with money issues,
that we're suffering with money issues,
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Pošteni moramo biti drug z drugim,
da trpimo zaradi finančnih težav
da trpimo zaradi finančnih težav
08:10
and let's get real -- we have to stop
numbing out our pain.
numbing out our pain.
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in nehajmo ga že lomiti -
prenehati moramo blažiti bolečino.
prenehati moramo blažiti bolečino.
08:16
In order to uncover the painful parts
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Da bi odkrili boleče dele
08:19
of your money story
and your money history,
and your money history,
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svoje finančne zgodbe in zgodovine,
08:23
you can't be numb.
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ne moremo biti otopeli.
08:25
We have to let go of our past
in order to be free.
in order to be free.
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Preteklost moramo pustiti za sabo,
da bi se osvobodili.
da bi se osvobodili.
08:32
Letting go of the past
happens through surrender,
happens through surrender,
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Puščanje preteklosti za sabo
se zgodi skozi predajo,
se zgodi skozi predajo,
08:36
faith and forgiveness.
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vero in odpuščanje.
08:39
Debt is the tangible manifestation
of not forgiving.
of not forgiving.
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Dolg je otipljiva
manifestacija neodpuščanja.
manifestacija neodpuščanja.
08:44
If you have debt, you've not
completely forgiven your past,
completely forgiven your past,
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Če imate dolg, svoje preteklosti
še niste popolnoma oprostili,
še niste popolnoma oprostili,
08:49
so it's our work
to forgive ourselves and others
to forgive ourselves and others
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zato je naša naloga, da odpustimo
sebi in drugim,
sebi in drugim,
08:52
so that we can live freely.
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da bomo lahko svobodno zaživeli.
08:54
Otherwise, our history
will continue to repeat.
will continue to repeat.
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Drugače se bo naša zgodovina
še naprej ponavljala.
še naprej ponavljala.
08:59
This is not a quick fix,
and I know we all want one,
and I know we all want one,
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To ni hitra rešitev in vem,
da si jo vsi želimo,
da si jo vsi želimo,
09:03
but it's a slow wake-up.
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a to je počasno prebujanje.
09:05
This is another level of work.
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To je druga stopnja dela.
09:08
We have to go higher to get it,
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Iti moramo višje, da jo bomo dobili,
09:11
to get at it.
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da jo bomo dosegli,
09:14
So try this: follow your dollars.
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Poskusite tole: sledite svojemu denarju.
09:17
Your money will show you
right away what you value.
right away what you value.
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Denar vam bo takoj pokazal, kaj cenite.
09:21
Where's it going?
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Kam gre?
09:22
And then ask yourself:
Do I really value all this stuff?
Do I really value all this stuff?
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Potem pa se vprašajte:
so mi te stvari res tako pomembne?
so mi te stvari res tako pomembne?
09:27
And get curious about
what you're feeling when you're spending.
what you're feeling when you're spending.
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Naj vas zanima, kako se počutite,
ko zapravljate.
ko zapravljate.
09:31
Are you lonely?
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Ste osamljeni?
09:33
Are you bored?
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Ste zdolgočaseni?
09:34
Or are you just excited?
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Ali ste samo vznemirjeni?
09:39
But there's deeper work
that needs to happen.
that needs to happen.
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A še globlje je treba iti.
09:42
How did you get all these
money beliefs to begin with?
money beliefs to begin with?
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Kako ste sploh dobili vsa ta prepričanja
o denarju?
o denarju?
09:46
I call this your money autobiography,
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To imenujem finančna avtobiografija
09:49
and as a money coach, this is
the first step I take with my clients.
the first step I take with my clients.
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in zame, finančno terapevtko, je to
prvi korak, ki ga naredim s strankami.
prvi korak, ki ga naredim s strankami.
09:54
Think back to your earliest
childhood money memory.
childhood money memory.
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Pomislite nazaj na svoj prvi otroški
spomin, povezan z denarjem.
spomin, povezan z denarjem.
09:58
What did it feel like when you got money?
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Kako ste se počutili, ko ste dobili denar?
10:01
Were you excited, proud or confused?
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Ste bili vznemirjeni, ponosni ali zmedeni?
10:06
And what did you do with the money?
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In kaj ste naredili z denarjem?
10:08
Did you run with the candy store,
or did you run to the bank?
or did you run to the bank?
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Ste tekli v trgovino s slaščicami
ali v banko?
ali v banko?
10:12
And what did you hear your parents say,
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In kaj so rekli vaši starši?
10:15
and what did you see
your parents do with the money?
your parents do with the money?
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Kaj so vaši starši počeli z denarjem?
10:19
My brother and I heard,
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Moj brat in jaz sva slišala:
10:21
"More money will make us happy."
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"Več denarja nas bo osrečilo."
10:24
Every day.
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Vsak dan.
10:25
"More money will make us happy."
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"Več denarja nas bo osrečilo."
10:27
And we internalized that
into the money belief
into the money belief
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To sva ponotranjila v prepričanje,
10:31
that our self worth was equal
to our net worth
to our net worth
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da je najina notranja vrednost
enaka najinemu premoženju,
enaka najinemu premoženju,
10:35
as we watched our mom live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.
of chronic not-enoughness.
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ko sva gledala svojo mamo, kako
živi v kroničnem stanju nezadostnosti.
živi v kroničnem stanju nezadostnosti.
10:41
And she numbed the pain
with sugar and shopping.
with sugar and shopping.
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Bolečino je utapljala s sladkorjem in nakupi.
10:46
So what did we do?
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In kaj sva naredila midva?
10:48
Keith played out my mother's life.
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Keith je odigral mamino življenje.
10:51
He was an underearner,
longed to be financially rescued,
longed to be financially rescued,
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Zaslužil je malo, hrepenel je
po finančni rešitvi
po finančni rešitvi
10:55
and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
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in topel bolečino z alkoholom.
10:59
I did the opposite.
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Jaz sem delala ravno nasprotno.
11:01
I became a high earner,
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Postala sem nekdo, ki veliko zasluži
11:03
rescuer,
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in ki rešuje,
11:06
and I numbed the pain out
with self-help books.
with self-help books.
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bolečino pa sem utapljala
s knjigami za samopomoč.
s knjigami za samopomoč.
11:11
But what we had in common
was our money belief.
was our money belief.
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A imela sva enako finančno prepričanje.
11:14
We both believed
that our bank account balance
that our bank account balance
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Oba sva verjela, da je stanje
na najinem bančnem računu
na najinem bančnem računu
11:17
was equal to our self worth.
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enako najini notranji vrednosti.
11:20
Looking back at the Starbucks
meeting with my brother ...
meeting with my brother ...
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Ko se ozrem na srečanje
z bratom v Starbucksu ...
z bratom v Starbucksu ...
11:25
he didn't need a budget and my judgment.
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ni potreboval finančnega načrta,
ne mojega obsojanja.
ne mojega obsojanja.
11:29
He needed a breakthrough
from his suffering,
from his suffering,
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Potreboval je preboj iz svojega trpljenja
11:32
and he needed my compassion.
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in potreboval je moje sočutje.
Keith ni mogel biti tisti, ki spregovori
11:36
Keith was not able
to be the one to speak up
to be the one to speak up
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in razbije začarani krog
finančnega sramu naše družine,
finančnega sramu naše družine,
11:38
and break our family money shame cycle,
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11:41
so he left me to do the work
and share his legacy.
and share his legacy.
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zato mi je pustil, da to naredim jaz
in delim njegovo zapuščino.
in delim njegovo zapuščino.
11:46
Change is difficult,
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Sprememba je težka,
11:49
but in my family, not changing is fatal.
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a v moji družini je usodno,
če se ne spremeniš.
če se ne spremeniš.
11:54
So I did the work,
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Tako sem vse naredila
11:56
and I have experienced deep
and profound forgiveness,
and profound forgiveness,
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in občutila globoko odpuščanje,
12:03
and as I stand here today,
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in ko danes tu stojim,
12:05
I am living on purpose,
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živim z ciljem,
12:09
I serve, and money serves me.
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služim in denar služi meni.
12:13
It only takes one person in your family
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Dovolj je samo en človek v vaši družini,
12:18
to break through the money-shame cycle.
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da prekine sramotni finančni krog.
12:21
I want you to be the one.
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Želim, da ste ta oseba vi.
12:24
Thank you.
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Hvala.
12:25
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tammy Lally - Money coachTammy Lally helps others master their finances.
Why you should listen
Tammy Lally is a Certified Money Coach and author of Money Detox. She helps others master their finances by first conquering their emotions around money, then by creating a comprehensive financial plan.
Lally has deep experience in the financial industry and has spent years studying psychology, addiction, recovery and spirituality. Her teachers include Brené Brown, Marianne Williamson, Pia Melody and Byron Katie.
Lally brings a distinctive blend of financial industry experience, psychological knowledge and spiritual consciousness to her work. She created a seven-step "Money Detox" process that allows anyone to achieve financial freedom and joy.
Tammy Lally | Speaker | TED.com