TEDxSFU
Mandy Len Catron: A better way to talk about love
Mendi Len Ketron (Mandy Len Catron): Bolji način da se govori o ljubavi
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U ljubav padamo. Zatečeni smo, smrvljeni, lelujamo. Izgaramo od strasti. Zbog ljubavi smo ludi i zbog nje smo bolesni. Naša srca bole, a potom se lome. Ovakvo razgovaranje o ljubavi temeljno oblikuje to kako je doživljavamo, kaže spisateljica Mendi Len Ketron. U ovom govoru, za sve koji su se ikad osećali ludo zaljubljeno, Ketron ističe različite metafore za ljubav koje bi mogle da nam pomognu da otkrijemo više užitka - i manje patnje - u njoj.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
OK, so today I want to talk
about how we talk about love.
about how we talk about love.
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U redu, danas želim da govorim
o tome kako govorimo o ljubavi.
o tome kako govorimo o ljubavi.
00:17
And specifically,
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A naročito
00:18
I want to talk about what's wrong
with how we talk about love.
with how we talk about love.
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želim da govorim o tome šta je loše
u tome kako govorimo o ljubavi.
u tome kako govorimo o ljubavi.
00:22
Most of us will probably
fall in love a few times
fall in love a few times
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Većina nas će se verovatno
zaljubiti nekoliko puta
zaljubiti nekoliko puta
00:26
over the course of our lives,
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tokom naših života,
00:27
and in the English language,
this metaphor, falling,
this metaphor, falling,
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a u engleskom jeziku,
ta metafora, padanje,
ta metafora, padanje,
00:31
is really the main way that we
talk about that experience.
talk about that experience.
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je zaista glavni način
na koji govorimo o tom iskustvu.
na koji govorimo o tom iskustvu.
00:35
I don't know about you,
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Ne znam za vas,
00:36
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
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ali kad sam zamislila ovu metaforu,
00:38
what I picture is straight
out of a cartoon --
out of a cartoon --
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ono što sam zamislila
bilo je baš kao u crtaću -
bilo je baš kao u crtaću -
00:42
like there's a man,
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kao, imate čoveka,
00:43
he's walking down the sidewalk,
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on šeta trotoarom,
00:45
without realizing it, he crosses
over an open manhole,
over an open manhole,
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potpuno nesvesno prelazi
preko otvorenog šahta
preko otvorenog šahta
00:48
and he just plummets into the sewer below.
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i prosto se strmoglavi
u kanalizaciju ispod njega.
u kanalizaciju ispod njega.
00:51
And I picture it this way
because falling is not jumping.
because falling is not jumping.
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A to zamišljam ovako
jer padanje nije skakanje.
jer padanje nije skakanje.
00:56
Falling is accidental,
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Padanje je slučajno,
00:58
it's uncontrollable.
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nekontrolisano.
01:00
It's something that happens to us
without our consent.
without our consent.
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To je nešto što nam se dešava
bez našeg pristanka.
bez našeg pristanka.
01:04
And this --
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A ovo -
01:05
this is the main way we talk
about starting a new relationship.
about starting a new relationship.
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ovo je glavni način na koji govorimo
o započinjanju nove veze.
o započinjanju nove veze.
01:10
I am a writer and I'm also
an English teacher,
an English teacher,
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Ja sam spisateljka i nastavnica engleskog,
01:14
which means I think
about words for a living.
about words for a living.
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što znači da zarađujem
razmišljajući o rečima.
razmišljajući o rečima.
01:16
You could say that I get paid
to argue that the language we use matters,
to argue that the language we use matters,
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Mogli biste reći da me plaćaju
da tvrdim da je jezik koji koristimo bitan
da tvrdim da je jezik koji koristimo bitan
01:20
and I would like to argue
that many of the metaphors we use
that many of the metaphors we use
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i ja želim da tvrdim
da su mnoge metafore koje koristimo
da su mnoge metafore koje koristimo
01:24
to talk about love --
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kada govorimo o ljubavi -
01:26
maybe even most of them --
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možda čak i većina njih -
01:28
are a problem.
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da su problem.
01:30
So, in love, we fall.
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Dakle, u ljubav padamo.
01:33
We're struck.
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Zatečeni smo.
01:35
We are crushed.
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Smrvljeni.
01:37
We swoon.
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Lelujamo.
01:39
We burn with passion.
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Gorimo od strasti.
01:41
Love makes us crazy,
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Zbog ljubavi smo ludi
01:43
and it makes us sick.
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i zbog ljubavi bolujemo.
01:45
Our hearts ache,
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Naša srca bole,
01:47
and then they break.
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a potom se lome.
01:50
So our metaphors equate
the experience of loving someone
the experience of loving someone
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Dakle, naše metafore izjednačavaju
iskustvo ljubavi prema nekome
iskustvo ljubavi prema nekome
01:53
to extreme violence or illness.
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sa krajnjim nasiljem ili bolešću.
01:56
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:59
They do.
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Zaista je tako.
02:00
And they position us as the victims
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I stavljaju nas u poziciju žrtve
02:02
of unforeseen and totally
unavoidable circumstances.
unavoidable circumstances.
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nepredviđenih i u potpunosti
neizbežnih okolnosti.
neizbežnih okolnosti.
02:06
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
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Moja omiljena metafora je "moren"
02:09
which is the past participle
of the word "smite."
of the word "smite."
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a to je pasiv od glagola "moriti".
02:12
And if you look this word up
in the dictionary --
in the dictionary --
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A ako potražite ovu reč u rečniku -
02:15
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:16
you will see that it can be defined
as both "grievous affliction,"
as both "grievous affliction,"
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videćete da je definisana
kao "bolna nedaća"
kao "bolna nedaća"
02:20
and, "to be very much in love."
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i da možemo biti moreni ljubavlju.
02:25
I tend to associate the word "smite"
with a very particular context,
with a very particular context,
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Nekako asociram reč "moriti"
sa naročitim kontekstom,
sa naročitim kontekstom,
02:29
which is the Old Testament.
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a to je Stari zavet.
02:31
In the Book of Exodus alone,
there are 16 references to smiting,
there are 16 references to smiting,
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Samo u knjizi Izlazak
imamo 16 pominjanja reči moriti,
imamo 16 pominjanja reči moriti,
02:36
which is the word that the Bible uses
for the vengeance of an angry God.
for the vengeance of an angry God.
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a to je reč koju Biblija koristi
za osvetu gnevnog boga.
za osvetu gnevnog boga.
02:40
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:41
Here we are using the same word
to talk about love
to talk about love
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Ovde istu reč koristimo
da bismo govorili o ljubavi
da bismo govorili o ljubavi
02:44
that we use to explain
a plague of locusts.
a plague of locusts.
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i da bismo objasnili pošast skakavaca.
02:47
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:48
Right?
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Je li tako?
02:49
So, how did this happen?
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Pa, kako se ovo desilo?
02:51
How have we come to associate love
with great pain and suffering?
with great pain and suffering?
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Kako je došlo do toga da ljubav
povezujemo s velikim bolom i patnjom?
povezujemo s velikim bolom i patnjom?
02:55
And why do we talk about
this ostensibly good experience
this ostensibly good experience
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I zašto govorimo o ovom
naoko dobrom iskustvu
naoko dobrom iskustvu
02:59
as if we are victims?
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kao da smo žrtve?
03:02
These are difficult questions,
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Ovo su teška pitanja,
03:04
but I have some theories.
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ali imam neke teorije.
03:05
And to think this through,
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A da bih to prokljuvila,
03:07
I want to focus on one
metaphor in particular,
metaphor in particular,
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želim da se usredsredim
na jednu naročitu metaforu,
na jednu naročitu metaforu,
03:09
which is the idea of love as madness.
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a to je zamisao ljubavi kao ludila.
03:13
When I first started
researching romantic love,
researching romantic love,
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Kada sam prvo počela
da istražujem romantičnu ljubav,
da istražujem romantičnu ljubav,
03:15
I found these madness
metaphors everywhere.
metaphors everywhere.
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svuda sam zaticala ove metafore o ludilu.
03:18
The history of Western culture
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Istorija zapadne kulture
03:20
is full of language that equates
love to mental illness.
love to mental illness.
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vrvi od jezika koji izjednačava
ljubav sa mentalnom bolešću.
ljubav sa mentalnom bolešću.
03:25
These are just a few examples.
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Ovo je samo nekoliko primera.
03:27
William Shakespeare:
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Vilijam Šekspir:
03:28
"Love is merely a madness,"
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"Ljubav tek je ludilo",
03:30
from "As You Like It."
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iz "Kako vam drago".
03:32
Friedrich Nietzsche:
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Fridrih Niče:
03:33
"There is always some madness in love."
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"U ljubavi je uvek prisutno malo ludila."
"Zbog tebe izgledam, zbog tebe izgledam
tako ludo zaljubljena -"
tako ludo zaljubljena -"
03:36
"Got me looking, got me looking
so crazy in love -- "
so crazy in love -- "
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03:39
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:41
from the great philosopher,
Beyoncé Knowles.
Beyoncé Knowles.
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od velike filozofkinje Bijonse Nouls.
03:44
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:47
I fell in love for the first
time when I was 20,
time when I was 20,
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Prvi put sam se zaljubila sa 20 godina
03:49
and it was a pretty turbulent
relationship right from the start.
relationship right from the start.
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i to je bila prilično turbulentna
veza od samog početka.
veza od samog početka.
03:53
And it was long distance
for the first couple of years,
for the first couple of years,
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I bila je veza na daljinu
prvih nekoliko godina,
prvih nekoliko godina,
03:56
so for me that meant very high highs
and very low lows.
and very low lows.
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te je to za mene značilo visoke uzlete
i veoma niske padove.
i veoma niske padove.
04:01
I can remember one moment in particular.
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Naročito se sećam jednog momenta.
04:04
I was sitting on a bed
in a hostel in South America,
in a hostel in South America,
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Sedela sam na krevetu,
u hostelu u Južnoj Americi
u hostelu u Južnoj Americi
04:07
and I was watching the person
I love walk out the door.
I love walk out the door.
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i posmatrala sam kako osoba
koju volim izlazi na vrata.
koju volim izlazi na vrata.
04:12
And it was late,
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Bilo je kasno,
04:13
it was nearly midnight,
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skoro ponoć,
04:15
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
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posvađali smo se tokom večere
04:17
and when we got back to our room,
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i kad smo se vratili u sobu,
04:19
he threw his things in the bag
and stormed out.
and stormed out.
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ubacio je svoje stvari u torbu
i izjurio napolje.
i izjurio napolje.
04:23
While I can no longer remember
what that argument was about,
what that argument was about,
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Iako se više ne sećam
zbog čega smo se svađali,
zbog čega smo se svađali,
04:26
I very clearly remember
how I felt watching him leave.
how I felt watching him leave.
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veoma jasno se sećam osećaja
dok sam ga gledala kako odlazi.
dok sam ga gledala kako odlazi.
04:31
I was 22, it was my first time
in the developing world,
in the developing world,
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Bile su mi 22 godine, prvi put sam
bila u zemlji u razvoju
bila u zemlji u razvoju
04:35
and I was totally alone.
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i bila sam potpuno sama.
04:38
I had another week until my flight home,
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Let kući mi je bio za nedelju dana
04:41
and I knew the name
of the town that I was in,
of the town that I was in,
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i znala sam ime grada u kom sam
04:44
and the name of the city
that I needed to get to to fly out,
that I needed to get to to fly out,
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i ime grada do kog je trebalo da stignem
kako bih odletela,
kako bih odletela,
04:47
but I had no idea how to get around.
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ali pojma nisam imala kako da se snađem.
04:51
I had no guidebook and very little money,
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Nisam imala vodič
i imala sam veoma malo novca
i imala sam veoma malo novca
04:55
and I spoke no Spanish.
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i nisam govorila španski.
04:57
Someone more adventurous than me
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Neko avanturističkijeg duha od mene
04:59
might have seen this as
a moment of opportunity,
a moment of opportunity,
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možda bi gledao na ovo kao na priliku,
05:02
but I just froze.
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ali ja sam se prosto paralisala.
05:04
I just sat there.
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Prosto sam sedela tu.
05:06
And then I burst into tears.
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A onda sam briznula u plač.
05:09
But despite my panic,
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No, uprkos panici,
05:11
some small voice in my head thought,
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neki glasić u mojoj glavi je mislio:
05:14
"Wow. That was dramatic.
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"Ala je ovo bilo dramatično.
05:16
I must really be doing
this love thing right."
this love thing right."
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Mora da mi ova ljubav baš ide od ruke."
05:19
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:21
Because some part of me
wanted to feel miserable in love.
wanted to feel miserable in love.
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Jer je dio mene baš želeo
da se oseća bedno zbog ljubavi.
da se oseća bedno zbog ljubavi.
05:26
And it sounds so strange
to me now, but at 22,
to me now, but at 22,
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Sad mi to zvuči tako čudno, ali s 22,
05:29
I longed to have dramatic experiences,
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žudila sam za dramatičnim iskustvima,
05:32
and in that moment, I was irrational
and furious and devastated,
and furious and devastated,
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a u tom trenutku,
bila sam iracionalna i besna i skrhana,
bila sam iracionalna i besna i skrhana,
05:38
and weirdly enough,
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i skroz neobično
05:39
I thought that this somehow
legitimized the feelings I had
legitimized the feelings I had
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mislila sam da zbog ovoga nekako
moja osećanja dobijaju značaj
moja osećanja dobijaju značaj
05:42
for the guy who had just left me.
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prema momku koji me je upravo napustio.
05:46
I think on some level I wanted
to feel a little bit crazy,
to feel a little bit crazy,
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Mislim da sam na neki način
želela da osećam dozu ludila
želela da osećam dozu ludila
05:50
because I thought that
that was how loved worked.
that was how loved worked.
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jer sam smatrala
da ljubav tako funkcioniše.
da ljubav tako funkcioniše.
05:55
This really should not be surprising,
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Ovo zaista ne bi trebalo da iznenađuje
05:56
considering that according to Wikipedia,
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s obzirom na to da prema Vikipediji
05:59
there are eight films,
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postoji osam filmova,
06:01
14 songs,
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četrnaest pesama,
06:03
two albums and one novel
with the title "Crazy Love."
with the title "Crazy Love."
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dva albuma i jedan roman
s naslovom "Luda ljubav".
s naslovom "Luda ljubav".
06:07
About half an hour later,
he came back to our room.
he came back to our room.
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Oko pola sata kasnije,
vratio se u našu sobu.
vratio se u našu sobu.
Pomirili smo se.
06:10
We made up.
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Proveli smo još jednu uglavnom
srećnu nedelju putujući zajedno.
srećnu nedelju putujući zajedno.
06:12
We spent another mostly
happy week traveling together.
happy week traveling together.
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06:15
And then, when I got home,
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A kad sam se vratila kući,
06:16
I thought, "That was so
terrible and so great.
terrible and so great.
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mislila sam: "To je bilo
tako užasno i tako sjajno.
tako užasno i tako sjajno.
06:21
This must be a real romance."
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Ovo mora da je prava romansa."
06:25
I expected my first love
to feel like madness,
to feel like madness,
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Očekivala sam da mi prva ljubav
bude poput ludila
bude poput ludila
06:27
and of course, it met
that expectation very well.
that expectation very well.
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i, naravno, ona je prilično
ispunila ta očekivanja.
ispunila ta očekivanja.
06:31
But loving someone like that --
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No, voleti nekoga tako -
06:33
as if my entire well-being depended
on him loving me back --
on him loving me back --
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kao da moja celokupna dobrobit
zavisi od njegove ljubavi -
zavisi od njegove ljubavi -
06:37
was not very good for me
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nije bilo dobro za mene,
06:39
or for him.
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ni za njega.
06:41
But I suspect this experience of love
is not that unusual.
is not that unusual.
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Ali pretpostavljam da ovo iskustvo ljubavi
nije toliko neobično.
nije toliko neobično.
06:46
Most of us do feel a bit mad
in the early stages of romantic love.
in the early stages of romantic love.
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Većina nas se oseća malčice ludo
u ranim stadijumima romantične ljubavi.
u ranim stadijumima romantične ljubavi.
06:50
In fact, there is research to confirm
that this is somewhat normal,
that this is somewhat normal,
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Zapravo, postoji istraživanje
koje potvrđuje da je ovo nekako normalno
koje potvrđuje da je ovo nekako normalno
06:55
because, neurochemically speaking,
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jer, neurohemijski gledano,
06:57
romantic love and mental illness
are not that easily distinguished.
are not that easily distinguished.
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romantičnu ljubav i mentalno oboljenje
nije tako lako razlikovati.
nije tako lako razlikovati.
07:03
This is true.
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To je tačno.
07:04
This study from 1999 used blood tests
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Ovo istraživanje iz 1999.
je koristilo nalaze krvi
je koristilo nalaze krvi
07:08
to confirm that the serotonin
levels of the newly in love
levels of the newly in love
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da potvrdi da su nivoi serotonina
kod onih tek zaljubljenih
kod onih tek zaljubljenih
07:11
very closely resembled
the serotonin levels
the serotonin levels
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veoma slični nivoima serotonina
07:14
of people who had been diagnosed
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
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kod ljudi kojima je dijagnostikovan
opsesivno-kompulsivni poremećaj.
opsesivno-kompulsivni poremećaj.
07:18
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:19
Yes, and low levels of serotonin
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Da, a niski nivoi serotonina
07:21
are also associated
with seasonal affective disorder
with seasonal affective disorder
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su takođe povezani
sa sezonskim emocionalnim poremećajima
sa sezonskim emocionalnim poremećajima
07:25
and depression.
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i depresijom.
07:27
So there is some evidence
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Dakle, postoji dokaz
07:29
that love is associated with changes
to our moods and our behaviors.
to our moods and our behaviors.
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da je ljubav povezana sa prmenama
našeg raspoloženja i ponašanja.
našeg raspoloženja i ponašanja.
07:34
And there are other studies to confirm
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A tu su i druge studije koje potvrđuju
07:38
that most relationships begin this way.
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da većina veza ovako počinje.
07:42
Researchers believe
that the low levels of serotonin
that the low levels of serotonin
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Istraživači veruju
da su niski nivoi serotonina
da su niski nivoi serotonina
07:46
is correlated with obsessive thinking
about the object of love,
about the object of love,
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povezani sa opsesivnim razmišljanjem
o objektu ljubavi,
o objektu ljubavi,
07:50
which is like this feeling that someone
has set up camp in your brain.
has set up camp in your brain.
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a to je poput osećanja da je neko
postavio kamp u našem mozgu.
postavio kamp u našem mozgu.
07:54
And most of us feel this way
when we first fall in love.
when we first fall in love.
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I većina nas se ovako oseća
kad se prvi put zaljubimo.
kad se prvi put zaljubimo.
07:57
But the good news is,
it doesn't always last that long --
it doesn't always last that long --
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No dobra je vest
da to uvek ne traje toliko dugo -
da to uvek ne traje toliko dugo -
08:01
usually from a few months
to a couple of years.
to a couple of years.
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obično između nekoliko meseci
do nekoliko godina.
do nekoliko godina.
08:05
When I got back from my trip
to South America,
to South America,
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Kad sam se vratila sa putovanja
u Južnoj Americi,
u Južnoj Americi,
08:08
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
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provela sam mnogo vremena sama u sobi,
08:11
checking my email,
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proveravajući mejlove,
08:13
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
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očajna da se čujem
sa momkom koga sam volela.
sa momkom koga sam volela.
08:16
I decided that if my friends could not
understand my grievous affliction,
understand my grievous affliction,
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Odlučila sam da ako moji prijatelji
ne mogu da razumeju moju bolnu nedaću,
ne mogu da razumeju moju bolnu nedaću,
08:21
then I did not need their friendship.
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onda mi ne treba njihovo prijateljstvo.
08:23
So I stopped hanging out
with most of them.
with most of them.
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Pa sam prestala
da se družim s većinom njih.
da se družim s većinom njih.
08:26
And it was probably the most
unhappy year of my life.
unhappy year of my life.
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I to je bila verovatno najtužnija
godina u mom životu.
godina u mom životu.
08:31
But I think I felt like
it was my job to be miserable,
it was my job to be miserable,
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Ali mislim da sam osećala
da mi je posao da budem očajna
da mi je posao da budem očajna
08:35
because if I could be miserable,
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jer ako mogu da budem očajna,
08:37
then I would prove how much I loved him.
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onda ću moći da dokažem koliko ga volim.
08:40
And if I could prove it,
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A ako mogu to da dokažem,
08:42
then we would have to end up
together eventually.
together eventually.
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onda ćemo morati
da završimo zajedno, kad-tad.
da završimo zajedno, kad-tad.
08:46
This is the real madness,
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Ovo je istinsko ludilo
08:48
because there is no cosmic rule
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jer ne postoji kosmičko pravilo
08:50
that says that great suffering
equals great reward,
equals great reward,
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koje kaže da je velika patnja
jednaka velikoj nagradi,
jednaka velikoj nagradi,
08:54
but we talk about love as if this is true.
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ali govorimo o ljubavi
kao da je ovo tačno.
kao da je ovo tačno.
08:59
Our experiences of love
are both biological and cultural.
are both biological and cultural.
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Naša iskustva ljubavi
su i biološka i kulturološka.
su i biološka i kulturološka.
09:03
Our biology tells us that love is good
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Naša biologija nam govori
da je ljubav dobra
da je ljubav dobra
09:06
by activating these reward
circuits in our brain,
circuits in our brain,
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tako što aktivira moždane tokove
za nagrađvanje,
za nagrađvanje,
09:09
and it tells us that love is painful
when, after a fight or a breakup,
when, after a fight or a breakup,
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a govori nam da je ljubav bolna
kada se, nakon svađe ili raskida,
kada se, nakon svađe ili raskida,
09:14
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
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ta neurohemijska nagrada povuče.
09:17
And in fact -- and maybe
you've heard this --
you've heard this --
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I zapravo - možda ste čuli za to -
09:19
neurochemically speaking,
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neurohemijski govoreći,
09:21
going through a breakup is a lot
like going through cocaine withdrawal,
like going through cocaine withdrawal,
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prolaziti kroz raskid poprilično liči
na odvikavanje od kokaina,
na odvikavanje od kokaina,
09:25
which I find reassuring.
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što ja smatram ohrabrujućim.
09:27
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:29
And then our culture uses language
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A potom naša kultura koristi jezik
09:31
to shape and reinforce
these ideas about love.
these ideas about love.
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kako bi oblikovala i učvrstila
ove ideje o ljubavi.
ove ideje o ljubavi.
09:34
In this case, we're talking
about metaphors about pain
about metaphors about pain
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U ovom slučaju govorimo
o metaforama o bolu
o metaforama o bolu
09:37
and addiction and madness.
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i zavisnosti i ludilu.
09:39
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
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To je na neki način
zanimljiva povratna petlja.
zanimljiva povratna petlja.
09:42
Love is powerful and at times painful,
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Ljubav je moćna i ponekad bolna,
09:45
and we express this
in our words and stories,
in our words and stories,
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i mi to izražavamo našim rečima i pričama,
09:49
but then our words and stories prime us
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a onda nas naše reči i priče pripremaju
09:51
to expect love to be powerful and painful.
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da očekujemo od ljubavi
da bude moćna i bolna.
da bude moćna i bolna.
09:55
What's interesting to me
is that all of this happens
is that all of this happens
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Interesantno mi je da se sve ovo dešava
09:59
in a culture that values
lifelong monogamy.
lifelong monogamy.
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u kulturi koja ceni
celoživotnu monogamiju.
celoživotnu monogamiju.
10:02
It seems like we want it both ways:
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Čini se kao da želimo sve odjednom:
10:04
we want love to feel like madness,
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želimo da ljubav bude poput ludila
10:07
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
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i želimo da traje čitav život.
10:11
That sounds terrible.
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To zvuči užasno.
10:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
10:15
To reconcile this,
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Kako bismo pomirili ovo
10:17
we need to either change our culture
or change our expectations.
or change our expectations.
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moramo da promenimo našu kulturu
ili da promenimo naša očekivanja.
ili da promenimo naša očekivanja.
10:23
So, imagine if we were all
less passive in love.
less passive in love.
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Zato zamislite kad bismo svi mi
bili manje pasivni u ljubavi.
bili manje pasivni u ljubavi.
10:27
If we were more assertive,
more open-minded, more generous
more open-minded, more generous
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Kad bismo bili samopouzdaniji,
otvoreniji, darežljiviji
otvoreniji, darežljiviji
10:31
and instead of falling in love,
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i umesto da "padnemo u ljubav",
10:35
we stepped into love.
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zakoračimo u ljubav.
10:38
I know that this is asking a lot,
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Znam da tražim previše,
10:40
but I'm not actually
the first person to suggest this.
the first person to suggest this.
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ali zapravo nisam prva osoba
koja ovo predlaže.
koja ovo predlaže.
10:45
In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"
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U njihovoj knjizi:
"Metafore po kojima živimo",
"Metafore po kojima živimo",
10:47
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff
suggest a really interesting solution
suggest a really interesting solution
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lingvisti Mark Džonson i Džordž Lejkof
predlažu zaista zanimljivo rešenje
predlažu zaista zanimljivo rešenje
10:52
to this dilemma,
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1218
za ovu dilemu,
10:54
which is to change our metaphors.
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a to je da promenimo naše metafore.
10:57
They argue that metaphors really do shape
the way we experience the world,
the way we experience the world,
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Oni tvrde da metafore zaista oblikuju
to kako doživljavamo svet,
to kako doživljavamo svet,
11:03
and that they can even act
as a guide for future actions,
as a guide for future actions,
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i da čak mogu da služe
kao vodič za buduća delanja,
kao vodič za buduća delanja,
11:06
like self-fulfilling prophecies.
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1888
poput samoispunjavajućih proročanstava.
11:09
Johnson and Lakoff suggest
a new metaphor for love:
a new metaphor for love:
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Džonson i Lejkof predlažu
novu metaforu za ljubav:
novu metaforu za ljubav:
11:13
love as a collaborative work of art.
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ljubav kao sarađivačko umetničko delo.
11:16
I really like this way
of thinking about love.
of thinking about love.
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Zaista mi se sviđa
ovakav način razmišljanja o ljubavi.
ovakav način razmišljanja o ljubavi.
11:21
Linguists talk about metaphors
as having entailments,
as having entailments,
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3522
Lingvisti govore o metaforama
kao da imaju podrazumevana značenja,
kao da imaju podrazumevana značenja,
11:24
which is essentially a way of considering
all the implications of,
all the implications of,
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a to je u suštini vid razmatranja
svih implikacija
svih implikacija
11:28
or ideas contained
within, a given metaphor.
within, a given metaphor.
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ili ideja sadržanih unutar date metafore.
11:31
And Johnson and Lakoff
talk about everything
talk about everything
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2909
A Džonson i Lejkof govore o svemu
11:34
that collaborating
on a work of art entails:
on a work of art entails:
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2152
što proizlazi iz saradnje
na umetničkom delu:
na umetničkom delu:
11:36
effort, compromise,
patience, shared goals.
patience, shared goals.
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684976
4155
trud, kompromis,
strpljenje, zajednički ciljevi.
strpljenje, zajednički ciljevi.
11:41
These ideas align nicely
with our cultural investment
with our cultural investment
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Ove ideje se lepo poklapaju
s našom kulturom ulaganja
s našom kulturom ulaganja
11:45
in long-term romantic commitment,
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2073
u dugoročnu romantičnu posvećenost,
11:47
but they also work well
for other kinds of relationships --
for other kinds of relationships --
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ali se takođe dobro slažu
sa drugim vidovima odnosa -
sa drugim vidovima odnosa -
11:52
short-term, casual, polyamorous,
non-monogamous, asexual --
non-monogamous, asexual --
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kratkoročnim, usputnim, poliamoričnim,
nemonogamnim, aseksualnim -
nemonogamnim, aseksualnim -
11:57
because this metaphor brings
much more complex ideas
much more complex ideas
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jer ova metafora obogaćuje
daleko složenijim idejama
daleko složenijim idejama
12:01
to the experience of loving someone.
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iskustvo voljenja nekoga.
12:04
So if love is a collaborative work of art,
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Pa, ako je ljubav
sarađivačko umetničko delo,
sarađivačko umetničko delo,
12:09
then love is an aesthetic experience.
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onda je ljubav estetsko iskustvo.
12:13
Love is unpredictable,
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1895
Ljubav je nepredvidljiva,
12:16
love is creative,
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2024
ljubav je kreativna,
12:18
love requires communication
and discipline,
and discipline,
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4133
ljubav iziskiva komunikaciju i disciplinu,
12:23
it is frustrating
and emotionally demanding.
and emotionally demanding.
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frustrirajuća je i emotivno zahtevna.
12:26
And love involves both joy and pain.
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Ljubav podrazumeva i užitak i bol.
12:30
Ultimately, each experience
of love is different.
of love is different.
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3619
Naposletku, svako iskustvo ljubavi
je drugačije.
je drugačije.
12:35
When I was younger,
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Kad sam bila mlađa,
12:37
it never occurred to me that I was allowed
to demand more from love,
to demand more from love,
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nikad mi nije palo na pamet
da je dopušteno zahtevati više od ljubavi,
da je dopušteno zahtevati više od ljubavi,
12:42
that I didn't have to just accept
whatever love offered.
whatever love offered.
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da ne moram prosto da prihvatim
šta god mi ljubav ponudi.
šta god mi ljubav ponudi.
12:46
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
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3329
Kad 14-ogodišnja Julija prvi put sreće -
12:50
or, when 14-year-old Juliet
cannot be with Romeo,
cannot be with Romeo,
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3925
ili kad 14-ogodišnja Julija
ne može da bude s Romeom,
ne može da bude s Romeom,
12:54
whom she has met four days ago,
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2637
koga je upoznala pre četiri dana,
12:56
she does not feel disappointed or angsty.
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3810
ne oseća razočaranje ili uznemirenost.
13:01
Where is she?
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Gde je ona?
13:02
She wants to die.
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1294
Želi da umre.
13:04
Right?
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1151
Je li tako?
13:05
And just as a refresher,
at this point in the play,
at this point in the play,
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I prosto kao napomena,
u ovom trenutku u drami,
u ovom trenutku u drami,
13:07
act three of five,
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čin treći od pet,
13:09
Romeo is not dead.
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1821
Romeo nije mrtav.
13:11
He's alive,
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Živ je,
13:13
he's healthy,
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1388
zdrav je,
13:14
he's just been banished from the city.
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2194
upravo su ga proterali iz grada.
13:17
I understand that 16th-century Verona
is unlike contemporary North America,
is unlike contemporary North America,
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6001
Svesna sam da Verona iz XVI veka
nije kao današnja Severna Amerika,
nije kao današnja Severna Amerika,
13:23
and yet when I first read this play,
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pa ipak, kad sam prvi put
čitala ovu dramu,
čitala ovu dramu,
13:26
also at age 14,
261
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2393
takođe sa 14 godina,
13:29
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
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Julijina patnja mi je imala smisla.
13:33
Reframing love as something
I get to create with someone I admire,
I get to create with someone I admire,
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Preformulisati ljubav kao nešto
što stvaram s nekim kome se divim,
što stvaram s nekim kome se divim,
13:38
rather than something
that just happens to me
that just happens to me
264
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2444
a ne nešto što mi se prosto desi
13:41
without my control or consent,
265
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bez moje kontrole ili pristanka,
13:43
is empowering.
266
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1605
je osnažujuće.
13:45
It's still hard.
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I dalje je teško.
13:47
Love still feels totally maddening
and crushing some days,
and crushing some days,
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Ljubav i dalje ponekad može da se čini
potpuno izluđujućom i poražavajućom,
potpuno izluđujućom i poražavajućom,
13:52
and when I feel really frustrated,
269
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2115
a kad se osećam zaista isfrustirano,
13:55
I have to remind myself:
270
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1330
moram da se podsetim:
13:56
my job in this relationship
is to talk to my partner
is to talk to my partner
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3344
moj posao u ovoj vezi
je da razgovaram s partnerom
je da razgovaram s partnerom
14:00
about what I want to make together.
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2051
o tome šta želim da stvorimo zajedno.
14:03
This isn't easy, either.
273
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2334
Ovo takođe nije lako.
14:06
But it's just so much better
than the alternative,
than the alternative,
274
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3447
Ali je jednostavno daleko bolje
od alternative,
od alternative,
14:10
which is that thing
that feels like madness.
that feels like madness.
275
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2777
a to je onaj osećaj nalik ludilu.
14:14
This version of love is not about winning
or losing someone's affection.
or losing someone's affection.
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5357
Ovakva verzija ljubavi nije o osvajanju
ili gubljenju nečije naklonosti.
ili gubljenju nečije naklonosti.
14:20
Instead, it requires
that you trust your partner
that you trust your partner
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3598
Umesto toga zahteva
da verujete svom partneru
da verujete svom partneru
14:24
and talk about things
when trusting feels difficult,
when trusting feels difficult,
278
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3074
i da razgovarate o stvarima
kad poverenje postane teško,
kad poverenje postane teško,
14:27
which sounds so simple,
279
855481
2446
što zvuči veoma jednostavno,
14:29
but is actually a kind
of revolutionary, radical act.
of revolutionary, radical act.
280
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4496
ali je zapravo na neki način
revolucionaran, radikalan čin.
revolucionaran, radikalan čin.
14:35
This is because you get to stop
thinking about yourself
thinking about yourself
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3264
A to je zato što prestajete
da razmišljate o sebi
da razmišljate o sebi
14:39
and what you're gaining
or losing in your relationship,
or losing in your relationship,
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3141
i o tome šta vi dobijate
ili gubite u vašoj vezi,
ili gubite u vašoj vezi,
14:42
and you get to start thinking
about what you have to offer.
about what you have to offer.
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i počinjete da razmišljate
o tome šta imate da ponudite.
o tome šta imate da ponudite.
14:46
This version of love
allows us to say things like,
allows us to say things like,
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Ovakva verzija ljubavi
nam omogućuje da izgovaramo sledeće:
nam omogućuje da izgovaramo sledeće:
14:50
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.
Maybe this isn't for us."
Maybe this isn't for us."
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"Hej, nismo naročito dobri saradnici.
Možda ovo nije za nas."
Možda ovo nije za nas."
14:55
Or, "That relationship
was shorter than I had planned,
was shorter than I had planned,
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Ili: "Ta veza je bila kraća
nego što sam planirala,
nego što sam planirala,
14:59
but it was still kind of beautiful."
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ali je i dalje bila nekako lepa."
15:02
The beautiful thing
about the collaborative work of art
about the collaborative work of art
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Divna stvar kod sarađivačkog
umetničkog dela
umetničkog dela
15:05
is that it will not paint
or draw or sculpt itself.
or draw or sculpt itself.
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je da ono neće naslikati
ili nacrtati ili izvajati samo sebe.
ili nacrtati ili izvajati samo sebe.
15:09
This version of love allows us
to decide what it looks like.
to decide what it looks like.
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Ova verzija ljubavi nam omogućava
da odaberemo kako će da izgleda.
da odaberemo kako će da izgleda.
15:13
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
15:14
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - WriterMandy Len Catron explores love stories.
Why you should listen
Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com