TEDxSFU
Mandy Len Catron: A better way to talk about love
曼迪·兰·凯特伦: 如何更好地讨论爱情
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我们坠入了爱河。爱情如潮水般袭来， 而我们爱得不能自拔，痴狂迷醉。我们的热情灼伤了自己。爱情让我们疯癫，让我们患病。我们的心在滴血，然后支离破碎。作家曼迪·兰·凯特伦说，我们以这样的用词方式来讨论爱情，很大程度上塑造了我们对爱情的体验。对任何一位陷入过疯狂热恋的人，这个演讲提供了爱情的另一种比喻，或许能够帮助各位在爱情中获得更多的快乐，减轻自己的痛苦。
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
OK, so today I want to talk
about how we talk about love.
about how we talk about love.
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今天， 我想讨论一下
我们谈论爱情的方法。
我们谈论爱情的方法。
说得更明确一些，
00:17
And specifically,
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就是讨论一下我们
谈论爱情时犯的错误。
谈论爱情时犯的错误。
00:18
I want to talk about what's wrong
with how we talk about love.
with how we talk about love.
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我们大多数人在一生中
00:22
Most of us will probably
fall in love a few times
fall in love a few times
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会不止一次坠入爱河，
00:26
over the course of our lives,
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而在语言中，我们使用“坠入”一词，
00:27
and in the English language,
this metaphor, falling,
this metaphor, falling,
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很大程度上也形容了恋爱的体验。
00:31
is really the main way that we
talk about that experience.
talk about that experience.
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我不知道你们怎么想的，
00:35
I don't know about you,
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但我脑海中所浮现的画面
00:36
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
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00:38
what I picture is straight
out of a cartoon --
out of a cartoon --
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完全和卡通片一样：
有一个人，
00:42
like there's a man,
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他走在人行道上，
00:43
he's walking down the sidewalk,
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不经意间走过一个井口，
00:45
without realizing it, he crosses
over an open manhole,
over an open manhole,
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然后“扑通”一声跌进了下水道。
00:48
and he just plummets into the sewer below.
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我这样想象是因为
“坠入”与“跳入”不同。
“坠入”与“跳入”不同。
00:51
And I picture it this way
because falling is not jumping.
because falling is not jumping.
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“坠入”是意外的，
00:56
Falling is accidental,
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是不可控制的。
00:58
it's uncontrollable.
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它的发生是未经自己允许的。
01:00
It's something that happens to us
without our consent.
without our consent.
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01:04
And this --
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而这就是我们讨论
一段新恋情时的描述方式。
一段新恋情时的描述方式。
01:05
this is the main way we talk
about starting a new relationship.
about starting a new relationship.
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01:10
I am a writer and I'm also
an English teacher,
an English teacher,
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我是作家也是英语老师，
这意味着我靠咬文嚼字为生。
01:14
which means I think
about words for a living.
about words for a living.
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01:16
You could say that I get paid
to argue that the language we use matters,
to argue that the language we use matters,
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你可以说我的工作就是告诉别人
日常用语是很要紧的，
日常用语是很要紧的，
而我想指出的是，
01:20
and I would like to argue
that many of the metaphors we use
that many of the metaphors we use
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有很多用来形容爱情的比喻，
01:24
to talk about love --
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甚至可能是大多数，
01:26
maybe even most of them --
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都是有问题的。
01:28
are a problem.
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所以说， 我们会“坠入”爱河。
01:30
So, in love, we fall.
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爱情突如其来。
01:33
We're struck.
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我们不能自拔。
01:35
We are crushed.
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01:37
We swoon.
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我们痴狂迷醉。
01:39
We burn with passion.
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我们被热情灼烧。
01:41
Love makes us crazy,
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爱情使人癫狂，
也使我们患病。
01:43
and it makes us sick.
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我们的心在滴血，
01:45
Our hearts ache,
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01:47
and then they break.
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然后支离破碎。
所以说，这种比喻将恋爱经历
01:50
So our metaphors equate
the experience of loving someone
the experience of loving someone
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01:53
to extreme violence or illness.
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等同于极暴力和病态。
（笑声）
01:56
(Laughter)
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01:59
They do.
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事实真是如此。
而这些比喻把我们定位成
02:00
And they position us as the victims
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某种未知、不可避免的事件的受害者。
02:02
of unforeseen and totally
unavoidable circumstances.
unavoidable circumstances.
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02:06
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
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其中我最喜欢的单词 “smitten”，
是“smite”的过去分词。
02:09
which is the past participle
of the word "smite."
of the word "smite."
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02:12
And if you look this word up
in the dictionary --
in the dictionary --
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如果在词典里查询这个单词……
（笑声）
02:15
(Laughter)
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你会发现它既可译为“惨痛的折磨”，
02:16
you will see that it can be defined
as both "grievous affliction,"
as both "grievous affliction,"
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又可以译为“被迷得神魂颠倒”。
02:20
and, "to be very much in love."
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02:25
I tend to associate the word "smite"
with a very particular context,
with a very particular context,
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这个单词常使我联想到一段特殊文字，
那就是《圣经·旧约》。
02:29
which is the Old Testament.
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02:31
In the Book of Exodus alone,
there are 16 references to smiting,
there are 16 references to smiting,
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仅在《出埃及记》中，
就16次提及这个单词，
就16次提及这个单词，
它被《圣经》用来形容
一位愤怒的神的复仇。
一位愤怒的神的复仇。
02:36
which is the word that the Bible uses
for the vengeance of an angry God.
for the vengeance of an angry God.
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02:40
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:41
Here we are using the same word
to talk about love
to talk about love
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而如今这个用来形容爱情的词，
02:44
that we use to explain
a plague of locusts.
a plague of locusts.
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原本是拿来形容蝗灾的。
（笑声）
02:47
(Laughter)
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对吧？
02:48
Right?
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所以为什么会这样？
02:49
So, how did this happen?
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我们怎么会将爱情
和伤痛与苦难混为一谈？
和伤痛与苦难混为一谈？
02:51
How have we come to associate love
with great pain and suffering?
with great pain and suffering?
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还有我们为何会讨论这种美好假象，
02:55
And why do we talk about
this ostensibly good experience
this ostensibly good experience
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好像自己是受害者？
02:59
as if we are victims?
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03:02
These are difficult questions,
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这些问题很难回答，
但我有一些理论。
03:04
but I have some theories.
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若想解释清楚，
03:05
And to think this through,
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我想着重谈谈这样一个比喻，
03:07
I want to focus on one
metaphor in particular,
metaphor in particular,
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那就是将爱情喻为疯狂。
03:09
which is the idea of love as madness.
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03:13
When I first started
researching romantic love,
researching romantic love,
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一开始研究浪漫爱情的时候，
我发现这种比喻无处不在。
03:15
I found these madness
metaphors everywhere.
metaphors everywhere.
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西方历史文化中，
03:18
The history of Western culture
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有许多文字将爱情比喻为精神疾病。
03:20
is full of language that equates
love to mental illness.
love to mental illness.
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03:25
These are just a few examples.
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以下是几个例子。
威廉·莎士比亚说过：
03:27
William Shakespeare:
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“爱情不过是一种疯狂。”
03:28
"Love is merely a madness,"
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出自《皆大欢喜》。
03:30
from "As You Like It."
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03:32
Friedrich Nietzsche:
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哲学家尼采说过：
“爱情中总是有些疯狂的。”
03:33
"There is always some madness in love."
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03:36
"Got me looking, got me looking
so crazy in love -- "
so crazy in love -- "
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还有“你的爱，你的爱让我如此痴狂……”
03:39
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
上句出自伟大的“哲学家”，
碧昂斯·诺里斯。
碧昂斯·诺里斯。
03:41
from the great philosopher,
Beyoncé Knowles.
Beyoncé Knowles.
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（笑声）
03:44
(Laughter)
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03:47
I fell in love for the first
time when I was 20,
time when I was 20,
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我在二十岁的时候经历了初恋，
那是一段自始至终都非常凌乱的恋情。
03:49
and it was a pretty turbulent
relationship right from the start.
relationship right from the start.
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03:53
And it was long distance
for the first couple of years,
for the first couple of years,
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刚开始几年还是长途异地恋，
03:56
so for me that meant very high highs
and very low lows.
and very low lows.
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所以对我来说意味着
很高的高潮和很低的低谷。
很高的高潮和很低的低谷。
04:01
I can remember one moment in particular.
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我还记得一个特别的瞬间。
04:04
I was sitting on a bed
in a hostel in South America,
in a hostel in South America,
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当时我在南美，坐在一间旅社的床上，
看着我爱着的人冲出门外。
04:07
and I was watching the person
I love walk out the door.
I love walk out the door.
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04:12
And it was late,
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当时很晚了，
将近午夜，
04:13
it was nearly midnight,
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我们在晚饭时发生了争吵，
04:15
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
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当我们回到房间后，
04:17
and when we got back to our room,
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他把东西扔到包里，径直冲出了房间。
04:19
he threw his things in the bag
and stormed out.
and stormed out.
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04:23
While I can no longer remember
what that argument was about,
what that argument was about,
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我已不记得当时争吵的目的，
但我清楚记得我看着他离开时的感受。
04:26
I very clearly remember
how I felt watching him leave.
how I felt watching him leave.
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04:31
I was 22, it was my first time
in the developing world,
in the developing world,
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我当时22岁，
第一次来到发展中国家，
第一次来到发展中国家，
04:35
and I was totally alone.
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而且我孤身一人。
04:38
I had another week until my flight home,
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距离我回家还有一周，
我记得我所在的那个小镇的名字，
04:41
and I knew the name
of the town that I was in,
of the town that I was in,
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也记得我要飞离南美的
出发地城市的名字，
出发地城市的名字，
04:44
and the name of the city
that I needed to get to to fly out,
that I needed to get to to fly out,
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但我并不知道怎么走。
04:47
but I had no idea how to get around.
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04:51
I had no guidebook and very little money,
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我没有向导书也没有多少钱，
而且我不会讲西班牙语。
04:55
and I spoke no Spanish.
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04:57
Someone more adventurous than me
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比我更有冒险精神的人，
可能会把这视为一次很好的锻炼经历，
04:59
might have seen this as
a moment of opportunity,
a moment of opportunity,
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但我却不知所措。
05:02
but I just froze.
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05:04
I just sat there.
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我就坐在那儿。
05:06
And then I burst into tears.
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然后嚎啕大哭。
05:09
But despite my panic,
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但在慌乱中，
我脑海中的一个声音告诉我：
05:11
some small voice in my head thought,
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“天啊，这很戏剧化哦。
05:14
"Wow. That was dramatic.
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我一定是把爱情表现的淋漓尽致了。”
05:16
I must really be doing
this love thing right."
this love thing right."
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（笑声）
05:19
(Laughter)
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因为我内心深处
是渴望在爱情中受伤的。
是渴望在爱情中受伤的。
05:21
Because some part of me
wanted to feel miserable in love.
wanted to feel miserable in love.
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05:26
And it sounds so strange
to me now, but at 22,
to me now, but at 22,
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这对于现在的我说很奇怪，
但对于22岁的我，
但对于22岁的我，
05:29
I longed to have dramatic experiences,
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我渴望一次戏剧性的经历，
那个瞬间我很不理性、
很气愤、很绝望，
很气愤、很绝望，
05:32
and in that moment, I was irrational
and furious and devastated,
and furious and devastated,
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而更奇怪的是，
05:38
and weirdly enough,
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我认为某种程度上，
05:39
I thought that this somehow
legitimized the feelings I had
legitimized the feelings I had
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它证明了我对离我而去那个人的爱。
05:42
for the guy who had just left me.
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05:46
I think on some level I wanted
to feel a little bit crazy,
to feel a little bit crazy,
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可能在某些时候想疯狂一些，
因为我以为爱情就应该是这样。
05:50
because I thought that
that was how loved worked.
that was how loved worked.
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05:55
This really should not be surprising,
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其实这不应该使人惊讶，
因为根据维基百科，
05:56
considering that according to Wikipedia,
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有8部电影，
05:59
there are eight films,
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14首歌，2张专辑，
06:01
14 songs,
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06:03
two albums and one novel
with the title "Crazy Love."
with the title "Crazy Love."
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和一本小说都命名为《疯狂爱情》。
06:07
About half an hour later,
he came back to our room.
he came back to our room.
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半小时后，他回来了。
我们复合了。
06:10
We made up.
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接下来，在旅行中我们度过了愉快的一周。
06:12
We spent another mostly
happy week traveling together.
happy week traveling together.
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然后我回到家，
06:15
And then, when I got home,
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我想，“这可真是既糟糕又美好。
06:16
I thought, "That was so
terrible and so great.
terrible and so great.
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06:21
This must be a real romance."
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这一定是真正的爱情吧。”
06:25
I expected my first love
to feel like madness,
to feel like madness,
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我期盼着能在初恋中感受到疯狂，
显然，这个期望被很好的满足了。
06:27
and of course, it met
that expectation very well.
that expectation very well.
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06:31
But loving someone like that --
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不过这样爱着一个人，
好像我的全部都取决于他回馈的爱，
06:33
as if my entire well-being depended
on him loving me back --
on him loving me back --
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对自己是很不好的，
06:37
was not very good for me
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对他也一样。
06:39
or for him.
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06:41
But I suspect this experience of love
is not that unusual.
is not that unusual.
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不过我觉得这段爱情经历
并不是非常罕见。
并不是非常罕见。
06:46
Most of us do feel a bit mad
in the early stages of romantic love.
in the early stages of romantic love.
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我们大多数人在恋情的早期
都会感受到些许疯狂。
都会感受到些许疯狂。
06:50
In fact, there is research to confirm
that this is somewhat normal,
that this is somewhat normal,
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事实上，研究表明这是正常现象，
06:55
because, neurochemically speaking,
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因为， 从神经学角度来说，
恋情和精神疾病并没有特别大的区别。
06:57
romantic love and mental illness
are not that easily distinguished.
are not that easily distinguished.
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07:03
This is true.
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这是真的。
一个1999年的实验通过验血，
07:04
This study from 1999 used blood tests
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确认了新情侣的血清素水平
07:08
to confirm that the serotonin
levels of the newly in love
levels of the newly in love
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和另一群人的血清素水平相似，
07:11
very closely resembled
the serotonin levels
the serotonin levels
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那就是强迫症患者。
07:14
of people who had been diagnosed
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
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（笑声）
07:18
(Laughter)
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没错，低水平的血清素
07:19
Yes, and low levels of serotonin
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与季节性情感障碍
07:21
are also associated
with seasonal affective disorder
with seasonal affective disorder
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以及抑郁症都有关联。
07:25
and depression.
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07:27
So there is some evidence
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由此证明，
心情和行为的变化与爱情是有关的。
07:29
that love is associated with changes
to our moods and our behaviors.
to our moods and our behaviors.
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也有其他研究确认
07:34
And there are other studies to confirm
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大多数感情是这样开始的。
07:38
that most relationships begin this way.
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07:42
Researchers believe
that the low levels of serotonin
that the low levels of serotonin
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研究者相信，低水平的血清素
代表了对恋爱对象的强迫性回忆，
07:46
is correlated with obsessive thinking
about the object of love,
about the object of love,
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就好像别人在你的脑海中安营扎寨。
07:50
which is like this feeling that someone
has set up camp in your brain.
has set up camp in your brain.
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我们在初恋都有这样的感受。
07:54
And most of us feel this way
when we first fall in love.
when we first fall in love.
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但幸运的是，这感受不会持续很久，
07:57
But the good news is,
it doesn't always last that long --
it doesn't always last that long --
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通常只有几个月到一两年。
08:01
usually from a few months
to a couple of years.
to a couple of years.
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08:05
When I got back from my trip
to South America,
to South America,
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当我从南美回来的时候，
我在我的房间里独自待了很久，
08:08
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
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查看我的邮箱，
08:11
checking my email,
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非常渴望得到我爱的那个男人的消息。
08:13
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
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08:16
I decided that if my friends could not
understand my grievous affliction,
understand my grievous affliction,
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我决定：如果我的朋友不理解我的困境，
那我也不需要这些友谊。
08:21
then I did not need their friendship.
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所以我和大多数好友断绝了联系，
08:23
So I stopped hanging out
with most of them.
with most of them.
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08:26
And it was probably the most
unhappy year of my life.
unhappy year of my life.
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那可能是我人生中最失落的一年。
08:31
But I think I felt like
it was my job to be miserable,
it was my job to be miserable,
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但我感觉我必须要感受痛苦，
08:35
because if I could be miserable,
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因为通过我的痛苦，
才可以证明我对他的爱。
08:37
then I would prove how much I loved him.
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如果我可以证明，
08:40
And if I could prove it,
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那我们终将会在一起。
08:42
then we would have to end up
together eventually.
together eventually.
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08:46
This is the real madness,
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这才是真正的疯狂，
因为并没有明确规定，
08:48
because there is no cosmic rule
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受苦受难就一定能得到回报，
08:50
that says that great suffering
equals great reward,
equals great reward,
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08:54
but we talk about love as if this is true.
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但在爱情里我们却觉得这是对的。
08:59
Our experiences of love
are both biological and cultural.
are both biological and cultural.
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我们的爱情体验
既是生理上的，又是文化上的。
既是生理上的，又是文化上的。
09:03
Our biology tells us that love is good
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生理通过激发我们大脑的激励反馈，
告诉我们爱情是美好的。
09:06
by activating these reward
circuits in our brain,
circuits in our brain,
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然而在吵架或分手后，
它又告诉我们爱情是痛苦的，
它又告诉我们爱情是痛苦的，
09:09
and it tells us that love is painful
when, after a fight or a breakup,
when, after a fight or a breakup,
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这时候神经反馈是无效的。
09:14
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
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09:17
And in fact -- and maybe
you've heard this --
you've heard this --
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事实上，你可能听说过，
从神经学的角度来说，
09:19
neurochemically speaking,
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经历分手和戒毒过程非常相似，
09:21
going through a breakup is a lot
like going through cocaine withdrawal,
like going through cocaine withdrawal,
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09:25
which I find reassuring.
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这点我感到很舒心。
（笑声）
09:27
(Laughter)
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09:29
And then our culture uses language
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我们的文化利用语言
来塑造与加强对于爱的观念。
09:31
to shape and reinforce
these ideas about love.
these ideas about love.
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现在的情况是，我们将其等同于
09:34
In this case, we're talking
about metaphors about pain
about metaphors about pain
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痛苦、癖嗜和痴狂。
09:37
and addiction and madness.
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09:39
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
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这好像是一个有趣的反馈循环。
爱情很伟大，但有时也让我们痛苦，
09:42
Love is powerful and at times painful,
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我们用词句和故事来表达这点，
09:45
and we express this
in our words and stories,
in our words and stories,
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09:49
but then our words and stories prime us
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然后这些文字又使得我们
盲目期待爱情就应是伟大而痛苦的。
09:51
to expect love to be powerful and painful.
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09:55
What's interesting to me
is that all of this happens
is that all of this happens
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而对我来说有趣的是，
这一切都发生在一个
鼓励终生一夫一妻制的文化里。
鼓励终生一夫一妻制的文化里。
09:59
in a culture that values
lifelong monogamy.
lifelong monogamy.
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10:02
It seems like we want it both ways:
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这好像是说我们想两者兼得：
我们既想让爱情疯狂一些，
10:04
we want love to feel like madness,
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10:07
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
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我们又想让它持续一生。
10:11
That sounds terrible.
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这听起来糟透了。
（笑声）
10:13
(Laughter)
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10:15
To reconcile this,
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要缓解这种情况，
我们要不改变我们的文化，
要不改变我们的期望。
要不改变我们的期望。
10:17
we need to either change our culture
or change our expectations.
or change our expectations.
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10:23
So, imagine if we were all
less passive in love.
less passive in love.
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请各位想象一下，
所有人的爱情都没那么被动。
所有人的爱情都没那么被动。
10:27
If we were more assertive,
more open-minded, more generous
more open-minded, more generous
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想象我们少一些固执，
心胸变得更宽广、更开放，
心胸变得更宽广、更开放，
我们不再“坠入”爱河，
10:31
and instead of falling in love,
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我们“步入”爱河。
10:35
we stepped into love.
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10:38
I know that this is asking a lot,
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我知道这个要求有点高，
但我并不是第一个提出这点的人。
10:40
but I'm not actually
the first person to suggest this.
the first person to suggest this.
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10:45
In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"
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在《我们赖以生存的隐喻》一书中，
语言学家马克·约翰逊和乔治·拉克夫
提出了一个非常有趣的方法
提出了一个非常有趣的方法
10:47
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff
suggest a really interesting solution
suggest a really interesting solution
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来解决这一矛盾，
10:52
to this dilemma,
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10:54
which is to change our metaphors.
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那就是改变我们的比喻。
10:57
They argue that metaphors really do shape
the way we experience the world,
the way we experience the world,
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他们认为，比喻真的可以
左右我们感受世界的方式，
左右我们感受世界的方式，
11:03
and that they can even act
as a guide for future actions,
as a guide for future actions,
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而它们甚至可以成为
我们未来行动的指引，
我们未来行动的指引，
就像是自我实现的预言。
11:06
like self-fulfilling prophecies.
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11:09
Johnson and Lakoff suggest
a new metaphor for love:
a new metaphor for love:
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约翰逊和拉克夫提出了
爱情的一种新比喻：
爱情的一种新比喻：
11:13
love as a collaborative work of art.
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爱情是一个合作完成的艺术品。
11:16
I really like this way
of thinking about love.
of thinking about love.
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我很喜欢这种看待爱情的方式。
11:21
Linguists talk about metaphors
as having entailments,
as having entailments,
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语言学家运用比喻是有很多内涵的，
其实就是说喻体中包含了
11:24
which is essentially a way of considering
all the implications of,
all the implications of,
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本体的几乎一切含义与概念。
11:28
or ideas contained
within, a given metaphor.
within, a given metaphor.
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而约翰逊和拉克夫的比喻涉及到了
11:31
And Johnson and Lakoff
talk about everything
talk about everything
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合作创作艺术品的所有含义：
11:34
that collaborating
on a work of art entails:
on a work of art entails:
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11:36
effort, compromise,
patience, shared goals.
patience, shared goals.
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努力、妥协、耐心、共同的目标等等。
11:41
These ideas align nicely
with our cultural investment
with our cultural investment
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这些概念与我们在长期恋情中
做出的精神投入很契合，
11:45
in long-term romantic commitment,
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但它们同样适用于
其它各种恋爱关系——
其它各种恋爱关系——
11:47
but they also work well
for other kinds of relationships --
for other kinds of relationships --
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11:52
short-term, casual, polyamorous,
non-monogamous, asexual --
non-monogamous, asexual --
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短期的、随意的恋情，多角恋，
非一夫一妻制，无性恋……
非一夫一妻制，无性恋……
因为这种比喻在恋爱的体验中
11:57
because this metaphor brings
much more complex ideas
much more complex ideas
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赋予了更多复杂的概念。
12:01
to the experience of loving someone.
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所以假如爱情是合作完成的艺术品，
12:04
So if love is a collaborative work of art,
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那么爱情就是一种美学体验。
12:09
then love is an aesthetic experience.
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12:13
Love is unpredictable,
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爱情是无法预测的，
12:16
love is creative,
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爱情是创造性的，
12:18
love requires communication
and discipline,
and discipline,
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爱情需要沟通，需要规矩，
爱情是令人沮丧的，
会造成很多精神压力。
会造成很多精神压力。
12:23
it is frustrating
and emotionally demanding.
and emotionally demanding.
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12:26
And love involves both joy and pain.
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而爱情中既有快乐，也有痛苦。
12:30
Ultimately, each experience
of love is different.
of love is different.
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而最终，每次爱情经历都是不同的。
当我还年轻的时候，
12:35
When I was younger,
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我从来没想过我可以
从爱情中寻求更多，
从爱情中寻求更多，
12:37
it never occurred to me that I was allowed
to demand more from love,
to demand more from love,
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或者说我不需要全盘接受
爱情给我提供的感受。
爱情给我提供的感受。
12:42
that I didn't have to just accept
whatever love offered.
whatever love offered.
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12:46
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
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当14岁的朱丽叶第一次见到……
或者说，当14岁的朱丽叶
不能和罗密欧在一起，
不能和罗密欧在一起，
12:50
or, when 14-year-old Juliet
cannot be with Romeo,
cannot be with Romeo,
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她才认识罗密欧四天时间，
12:54
whom she has met four days ago,
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她不觉得失落或痛苦。
12:56
she does not feel disappointed or angsty.
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13:01
Where is she?
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她怎么了？
13:02
She wants to die.
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她想寻死。
13:04
Right?
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对吧？
13:05
And just as a refresher,
at this point in the play,
at this point in the play,
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大家回忆一下，
戏剧演到这里的时候
戏剧演到这里的时候
是五幕中的第三幕，
13:07
act three of five,
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罗密欧并没有死，
13:09
Romeo is not dead.
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13:11
He's alive,
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他还活着，
他很健康，
13:13
he's healthy,
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他只是被驱逐出城了。
13:14
he's just been banished from the city.
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13:17
I understand that 16th-century Verona
is unlike contemporary North America,
is unlike contemporary North America,
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我明白16世纪的维罗纳
和当今的北美非常不同，
和当今的北美非常不同，
然而当我第一次读到这部戏剧，
13:23
and yet when I first read this play,
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同样也在14岁，
13:26
also at age 14,
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我觉得能够感受朱丽叶的痛苦。
13:29
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
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13:33
Reframing love as something
I get to create with someone I admire,
I get to create with someone I admire,
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把爱情当作一个
与我所爱的人共同创造的东西，
与我所爱的人共同创造的东西，
而不是一个不经我控制或同意
13:38
rather than something
that just happens to me
that just happens to me
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就发生在我身上的东西，
13:41
without my control or consent,
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这想法非常激动人心。
13:43
is empowering.
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13:45
It's still hard.
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这依然很难做到。
爱情有时候还是让我
陷入疯狂与痛苦，
陷入疯狂与痛苦，
13:47
Love still feels totally maddening
and crushing some days,
and crushing some days,
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而当我感到特别沮丧时，
13:52
and when I feel really frustrated,
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我必须提醒自己：
13:55
I have to remind myself:
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13:56
my job in this relationship
is to talk to my partner
is to talk to my partner
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在这段关系中，
我的任务是与伴侣交流，
我的任务是与伴侣交流，
沟通我们想共同创造的东西。
14:00
about what I want to make together.
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14:03
This isn't easy, either.
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其实这也不容易，
14:06
But it's just so much better
than the alternative,
than the alternative,
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但它已经比另一种方式要好很多了，
14:10
which is that thing
that feels like madness.
that feels like madness.
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那就是将爱情当作疯狂的体验。
14:14
This version of love is not about winning
or losing someone's affection.
or losing someone's affection.
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这种爱情不是为了
赢取或者失去某人的爱慕，
赢取或者失去某人的爱慕，
14:20
Instead, it requires
that you trust your partner
that you trust your partner
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而是需要你相信你的伴侣，
而且当遇到信任危机时冷静交流，
14:24
and talk about things
when trusting feels difficult,
when trusting feels difficult,
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虽说听起来很容易，
14:27
which sounds so simple,
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但这实际上是
挺革命性、颠覆性的。
挺革命性、颠覆性的。
14:29
but is actually a kind
of revolutionary, radical act.
of revolutionary, radical act.
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14:35
This is because you get to stop
thinking about yourself
thinking about yourself
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因为你可以不再纠结于自身，
14:39
and what you're gaining
or losing in your relationship,
or losing in your relationship,
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不再纠缠自己在爱情中的得与失，
而开始思考你可以做出什么贡献。
14:42
and you get to start thinking
about what you have to offer.
about what you have to offer.
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14:46
This version of love
allows us to say things like,
allows us to say things like,
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这种爱情让我们可以这样说：
“嘿，我们之间的合作不是很好。
可能这不适合我们吧。”
可能这不适合我们吧。”
14:50
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.
Maybe this isn't for us."
Maybe this isn't for us."
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14:55
Or, "That relationship
was shorter than I had planned,
was shorter than I had planned,
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或者说，“这段爱情
比我预计的要短一些，
比我预计的要短一些，
但它还是挺美好的吧。”
14:59
but it was still kind of beautiful."
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15:02
The beautiful thing
about the collaborative work of art
about the collaborative work of art
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一个合作完成的艺术品的魅力所在，
就是它不会自己描绘或塑造自己。
15:05
is that it will not paint
or draw or sculpt itself.
or draw or sculpt itself.
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15:09
This version of love allows us
to decide what it looks like.
to decide what it looks like.
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这种爱情让我们主动决定它的美。
谢谢！
15:13
Thank you.
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（鼓掌）
15:14
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - WriterMandy Len Catron explores love stories.
Why you should listen
Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com