TEDSalon NY2013
Bruce Feiler: Agile programming -- for your family
布鲁斯·法伊勒（Bruce Feiler）：将敏捷开发方法引入家庭
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布鲁斯·法伊勒（Bruce Feiler）有一个激进的想法：利用敏捷方式应对现代家庭生活所带来的压力。受到敏捷软件开发方法的启发，法伊勒介绍的家庭实践包括鼓励灵活性，想法从下到上流动，不断的反馈，明确责任。还包括一个令人惊奇的特点：孩子们选择他们自己的惩罚方式。
Bruce Feiler - Writer
Bruce Feiler is the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families," and the writer/presenter of the PBS miniseries "Walking the Bible." Full bio
Bruce Feiler is the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families," and the writer/presenter of the PBS miniseries "Walking the Bible." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
So here's the good news about families.
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我这有一条关于家庭的好消息。
00:19
The last 50 years have seen a revolution
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在过去的50年里，家庭的意义
00:21
in what it means to be a family.
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有了革命性的改变
00:23
We have blended families, adopted families,
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出现了离异后重新组合的家庭，收养关系组成的家庭，
00:26
we have nuclear families living in separate houses
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出现了独立出来居住的小家庭，
00:28
and divorced families living in the same house.
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也出现了住在同一座房子里的离异家庭。
00:31
But through it all, the family has grown stronger.
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但是经过这些年，家庭关系变得更加稳固了。
00:34
Eight in 10 say the family they have today
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80%的人认为他们现在所在的家庭
00:36
is as strong or stronger than the family they grew up in.
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和他们成长所处的家庭一样稳固，或更加稳固。
00:41
Now, here's the bad news.
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现在，我要说一条坏消息。
00:43
Nearly everyone is completely overwhelmed
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几乎所有人的家庭生活都陷入了
00:45
by the chaos of family life.
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完全的混乱中。
00:48
Every parent I know, myself included,
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我认识的每一个父母，也包括我自己，
00:50
feels like we're constantly playing defense.
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都觉得我们在家庭中一直在扮演防御的角色。
00:52
Just when our kids stop teething, they start having tantrums.
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当我们的孩子结束长牙时，他们开始会发脾气。
00:55
Just when they stop needing our help taking a bath,
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当他们不再需要我们帮忙洗澡的时候，
00:57
they need our help dealing with cyberstalking or bullying.
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他们需要我们帮助处理网络跟踪和恃强凌弱的行为。
01:01
And here's the worst news of all.
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接下来是最坏的消息。
01:03
Our children sense we're out of control.
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我们的孩子感觉到我们失控了。
01:06
Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute
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家庭与工作研究所的埃伦·林斯基
01:09
asked 1,000 children, "If you were granted
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问了1000个孩子，“如果你们可以
01:12
one wish about your parents, what would it be?"
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许一个关于你们父母的愿望，你会许什么愿望？“
01:15
The parents predicted the kids would say,
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父母都预测他们的孩子会说，
01:17
spending more time with them.
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和他们相处的时间长一些。
01:20
They were wrong. The kids' number one wish?
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他们错了。孩子们排行第一的愿望是什么呢？
01:23
That their parents be less tired and less stressed.
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是希望他们的父母可以少累一点，少一些压力。
01:27
So how can we change this dynamic?
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所以我们怎么才能改变这个现象呢？
01:29
Are there concrete things we can do to reduce stress,
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有没有什么具体的方法可以让我们减轻压力，
01:33
draw our family closer,
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让我们的家庭更亲密，
01:35
and generally prepare our children to enter the world?
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使我们的孩子更好的准备进入这个世界？
01:39
I spent the last few years trying to answer that question,
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过去几年我一直在寻找这个问题的答案，
01:43
traveling around, meeting families, talking to scholars,
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去了许多地方，探访了不同家庭，跟学者们交谈，
01:46
experts ranging from elite peace negotiators
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跟不同领域的专家，包括进行和平谈判的精英，
01:49
to Warren Buffett's bankers to the Green Berets.
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沃伦·巴菲特的银行家，和绿色贝雷帽 （美国陆军特种部队）
01:53
I was trying to figure out, what do happy families do right
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我在试着找出，幸福的家庭做对了什么，
01:56
and what can I learn from them to make my family happier?
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我又能从他们那里学到什么可以让我的家庭更幸福？
02:01
I want to tell you about one family that I met,
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我想告诉你们我认识的一个家庭的故事，
02:03
and why I think they offer clues.
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和我为什么觉得他们提供了线索。
02:06
At 7 p.m. on a Sunday in Hidden Springs, Idaho,
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星期天晚上7点，在爱达荷州的隐泉区，
02:09
where the six members of the Starr family are sitting down
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斯塔尔家的6个成员坐在一起
02:11
to the highlight of their week: the family meeting.
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参加他们每周的重点活动：家庭会议。
02:14
The Starrs are a regular American family
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斯塔尔家是一个普通的美国家庭
02:16
with their share of regular American family problems.
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有着普通美国家庭都会有的问题。
02:19
David is a software engineer. Eleanor takes care
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大卫是一位软件工程师。埃莉诺照顾
02:22
of their four children, ages 10 to 15.
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他们的四个孩子，10岁到15岁。
02:25
One of those kids tutors math on the far side of town.
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其中一个孩子在小镇较远的那边做数学家教。
02:28
One has lacrosse on the near side of town.
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一个在小镇较近的那边参加曲棍球队。
02:30
One has Asperger syndrome. One has ADHD.
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一个有阿斯伯格综合症（一种自闭症）。一个有注意力不足过动症。
02:34
"We were living in complete chaos," Eleanor said.
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“我们生活在完全的混乱中，”埃莉诺说。
02:37
What the Starrs did next, though, was surprising.
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而斯塔尔家接下来发生的事情就显得与众不同了。
02:40
Instead of turning to friends or relatives,
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他们没有向朋友或亲戚诉苦，
02:43
they looked to David's workplace.
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而是从大卫的工作中寻找解决方法。
02:46
They turned to a cutting-edge program called agile development
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他们采用了一种称为“敏捷开发”的管理方式
02:49
that was just spreading from manufacturers in Japan
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这种管理方式当时刚刚从日本的制造业
02:52
to startups in Silicon Valley.
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流传到硅谷的初创公司。
02:55
In agile, workers are organized into small groups
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在敏捷开发中，工作人员被分成一些小组，
02:58
and do things in very short spans of time.
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做时间跨度很短的工作。
03:00
So instead of having executives issue grand proclamations,
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不再需要高层领导不断的发号施令，这些小团队能够
03:03
the team in effect manages itself.
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高效率的进行自我管理。
03:06
You have constant feedback. You have daily update sessions.
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你不断的得到反馈，每天都更新自己的进程，
03:09
You have weekly reviews. You're constantly changing.
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你每周都进行回顾，持续不断的改变。
03:13
David said when they brought this system into their home,
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大卫说在他们把这套管理方式引入家庭之后，
03:16
the family meetings in particular increased communication,
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家庭会议上的交流变多了，
03:19
decreased stress, and made everybody
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压力变少了，这让每个人
03:22
happier to be part of the family team.
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作为家庭成员都更加开心。
03:25
When my wife and I adopted these family meetings and other techniques
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当我和妻子将这种家庭会议和其他一些技术
03:28
into the lives of our then-five-year-old twin daughters,
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引入到我们当时只有五岁的双胞胎女儿的生活中时，
03:31
it was the biggest single change we made since our daughters were born.
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这是我们在女儿出生后做过的最大的改变。
03:35
And these meetings had this effect
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这些会议确实管用
03:37
while taking under 20 minutes.
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并且会议时间不超过20分钟。
03:40
So what is Agile, and why can it help
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什么是敏捷开发，为什么它可以帮助
03:42
with something that seems so different, like families?
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看起来很不一样的系统，像是家庭？
03:45
In 1983, Jeff Sutherland was a technologist
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在1983年，杰夫·萨瑟兰是一名技术专家，
03:47
at a financial firm in New England.
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在新英格兰地区的一家金融公司，
03:50
He was very frustrated with how software got designed.
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他对当时的软件设计方法感到沮丧。
03:53
Companies followed the waterfall method, right,
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公司遵循这个瀑布开发模型，对吧，
03:55
in which executives issued orders that slowly trickled down
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这里高层管理人员宣布命令，然后慢慢渗透
03:58
to programmers below,
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到下面的程序员那里。
04:00
and no one had ever consulted the programmers.
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但是从没有人咨询过这些程序员。
04:03
Eighty-three percent of projects failed.
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83％的项目都失败了。
04:05
They were too bloated or too out of date
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当这些项目终于被完成时，
04:08
by the time they were done.
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往往延期很久，或预算严重超支。
04:10
Sutherland wanted to create a system where
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萨瑟兰想要创造一个系统
04:13
ideas didn't just percolate down but could percolate up from the bottom
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让灵感不仅可以自上而下的传播，而且可以自下而上的聚集，
04:17
and be adjusted in real time.
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并且能够及时的调整。
04:19
He read 30 years of Harvard Business Review
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他翻阅了30年的《哈佛商业评论》杂志
04:22
before stumbling upon an article in 1986
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发现了在1986年发表的一篇文章
04:25
called "The New New Product Development Game."
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叫做“新新产品开发游戏”。
04:28
It said that the pace of business was quickening --
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里面说商业的脚步正在加快－
04:31
and by the way, this was in 1986 --
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注意，这是1986－
04:33
and the most successful companies were flexible.
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最成功的公司都很灵活。
04:37
It highlighted Toyota and Canon
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里面点出了丰田和佳能
04:38
and likened their adaptable, tight-knit teams to rugby scrums.
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说他们紧密的团队就像英式橄榄球争球.
04:43
As Sutherland told me, we got to that article,
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根据萨瑟兰告诉我的，我们找到了这篇文章，
04:45
and said, "That's it."
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说，“就是这个了，”
04:47
In Sutherland's system, companies don't use
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在萨瑟兰的系统中，公司不做
04:50
large, massive projects that take two years.
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很大的，要拖两年之久的项目。
04:53
They do things in small chunks.
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他们把事情分成小部分。
04:54
Nothing takes longer than two weeks.
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任何事情都在两个星期内完成。
04:57
So instead of saying, "You guys go off into that bunker
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他们不会说，“你们躲到一个仓库里好好研究
04:59
and come back with a cell phone or a social network,"
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等做出来个电话或者社交网络再回来，”
05:02
you say, "You go off and come up with one element,
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你会说，“你们先做出来一个元件，
05:04
then bring it back. Let's talk about it. Let's adapt."
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然后把它带回来。我们讨论一下，看看是否需要调整。”
05:07
You succeed or fail quickly.
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你很快就知道是否行得通。
05:10
Today, agile is used in a hundred countries,
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现在，敏捷开发在上百个国家得到运用，
05:14
and it's sweeping into management suites.
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而且快速的融入了管理阶层。
05:16
Inevitably, people began taking some of these techniques
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必然的，人们开始将其中一些技术
05:19
and applying it to their families.
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引入到自己的家庭中。
05:21
You had blogs pop up, and some manuals were written.
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你能找到一些相关的博客文章，里面总结了一些运用守则。
05:24
Even the Sutherlands told me that they had
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就连萨瑟兰都告诉我他们有过
05:26
an Agile Thanksgiving,
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一个敏捷式的感恩节，
05:27
where you had one group of people working on the food,
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一组人准备食物，
05:30
one setting the table, and one greeting visitors at the door.
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一组人在布置桌子，还有人在门口迎接来客。
05:33
Sutherland said it was the best Thanksgiving ever.
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萨瑟兰说这是他们有过的最好的感恩节。
05:37
So let's take one problem that families face,
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现在我们从家庭面临的问题中挑出一个，
05:39
crazy mornings, and talk about how agile can help.
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“匆忙的早晨”，讨论下敏捷管理如何帮助改进。
05:42
A key plank is accountability,
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要点是明确责任，
05:44
so teams use information radiators,
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在团队中使用“信息辐射体”，
05:46
these large boards in which everybody is accountable.
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就是那些大白板来明确每个人的责任。
05:50
So the Starrs, in adapting this to their home,
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斯塔尔家也采用了这种方法，
05:52
created a morning checklist
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他们制作了一个早晨工作的清单
05:54
in which each child is expected to tick off chores.
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里面包含了每个孩子需要完成的家务。
05:57
So on the morning I visited, Eleanor came downstairs,
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我去拜访的那天早晨，埃莉诺从楼上下来，
06:00
poured herself a cup of coffee, sat in a reclining chair,
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给她自己倒了一杯咖啡，坐在了摇椅上，
06:02
and she sat there,
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她就坐在那里，
06:04
kind of amiably talking to each of her children
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和蔼的和她每一个孩子说话
06:07
as one after the other they came downstairs,
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看着他们一个接一个的下楼，
06:09
checked the list, made themselves breakfast,
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检查他们的清单，给他们自己做早餐，
06:11
checked the list again, put the dishes in the dishwasher,
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再检查他们的清单，把盘子放在洗碗机内，
06:14
rechecked the list, fed the pets or whatever chores they had,
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然后又检查清单，喂宠物或者其他他们需要负责的家务，
06:17
checked the list once more, gathered their belongings,
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最后一次检查他们的清单，整理好他们的东西，
06:19
and made their way to the bus.
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然后出门去坐校车了。
06:22
It was one of the most astonishing family dynamics I have ever seen.
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这是我所看过的最惊人的家庭运作方式。
06:26
And when I strenuously objected this would never work in our house,
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当我极力表示这绝对不会在我家实现的，
06:29
our kids needed way too much monitoring,
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我们的孩子需要太多监督了，
06:32
Eleanor looked at me.
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埃莉诺看着我。
06:33
"That's what I thought," she said.
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“我原来也这么想，”她说。
06:34
"I told David, 'keep your work out of my kitchen.'
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“我告诉大卫，‘不要把你的工作带到我的厨房。’
06:36
But I was wrong."
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但是我错了。”
06:38
So I turned to David: "So why does it work?"
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所以我问大卫，“这个为什么会管用？”
06:40
He said, "You can't underestimate the power of doing this."
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他说，“你不能低估这个动作的威力。”
06:43
And he made a checkmark.
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他画了一个对号。（钩形符号“✔”，表示已核对无误。)
06:44
He said, "In the workplace, adults love it.
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他说，“在工作场合，成人都很爱它。
06:47
With kids, it's heaven."
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对于孩子们，这跟天堂一样。”
06:49
The week we introduced a morning checklist into our house,
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我们把这个清晨清单带入我们家的那个星期，
06:52
it cut parental screaming in half. (Laughter)
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父母吼叫的次数减半了。（笑声）
06:56
But the real change didn't come until we had these family meetings.
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但是真正的改变直到我们开始了家庭会议才出现。
06:59
So following the agile model, we ask three questions:
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我们遵循了敏捷方式，问自己三个问题：
07:02
What worked well in our family this week,
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这个星期家里什么运作良好，
07:04
what didn't work well, and what will we agree to work on in the week ahead?
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什么不好，还有我们下个星期希望做哪些改变？
07:09
Everyone throws out suggestions
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每个人都会给出建议
07:10
and then we pick two to focus on.
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然后我们挑选两个来关注。
07:13
And suddenly the most amazing things started coming out of our daughters' mouths.
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突然之间，最了不起的话开始从我们女儿们的嘴里说出来。
07:17
What worked well this week?
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这个星期什么运行的好？
07:19
Getting over our fear of riding bikes. Making our beds.
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我们不再怕骑车了，我们会整理自己的床。
07:22
What didn't work well? Our math sheets,
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什么做的不好？我们的数学作业，
07:25
or greeting visitors at the door.
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以及在门口迎接客人（这件事情）。
07:28
Like a lot of parents, our kids are something like Bermuda Triangles.
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跟很多父母一样，（我们觉得）我们的孩子就像百慕大三角。
07:31
Like, thoughts and ideas go in, but none ever comes out,
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跟他们说什么道理和要求都没有效果，
07:34
I mean at least not that are revealing.
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我的意思是，最起码没表现出来。
07:35
This gave us access suddenly to their innermost thoughts.
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（家庭会议）突然让我们能够了解他们最深层的想法了。
07:39
But the most surprising part was when we turned to,
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但是最令人吃惊的是当我们讨论
07:41
what are we going to work on in the week ahead?
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下一周我们需要做哪些工作的时候。
07:44
You know, the key idea of agile is that
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你知道，敏捷方式的核心理论是
07:46
teams essentially manage themselves,
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团队实质上在管理他们自己，
07:47
and it works in software and it turns out that it works with kids.
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这个理念在软件上管用，在孩子们身上也有作用。
07:51
Our kids love this process.
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我们的孩子很爱这个过程。
07:53
So they would come up with all these ideas.
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他们会想出各种各样的主意。
07:55
You know, greet five visitors at the door this week,
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像这个星期在门口迎接五个客人，
07:57
get an extra 10 minutes of reading before bed.
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就可以另外得到10分钟的睡前读书时间。
07:59
Kick someone, lose desserts for a month.
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踢别人，就一个月不能吃甜点。
08:02
It turns out, by the way, our girls are little Stalins.
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我们发现了，顺便说一下， 我们的女儿们跟小斯大林一样。
08:04
We constantly have to kind of dial them back.
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我们需要不断的提醒他们不要太严厉。
08:07
Now look, naturally there's a gap between
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现在来看，她们在家庭会议上的计划
08:09
their kind of conduct in these meetings and their behavior the rest of the week,
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不会百分百的在下个星期得到落实，
08:13
but the truth is it didn't really bother us.
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但是我们实际上并不在意。
08:15
It felt like we were kind of laying these underground cables
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感觉上就像我们在建设地下电缆
08:17
that wouldn't light up their world for many years to come.
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在许多年后才会照亮他们的世界。
08:20
Three years later -- our girls are almost eight now --
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三年之后－我们的女孩们现在快八岁了－
08:23
We're still holding these meetings.
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我们仍然在进行这些会议。
08:25
My wife counts them among her most treasured moments as a mom.
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我妻子认为这个她作为妈妈最宝贵的时刻之一。
08:30
So what did we learn?
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所以我们从中学到了什么？
08:32
The word "agile" entered the lexicon in 2001
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Agile这个词在2001年被纳入了词典
08:35
when Jeff Sutherland and a group of designers
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那一年杰夫·萨瑟兰和一些设计师
08:37
met in Utah and wrote a 12-point Agile Manifesto.
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在犹他州碰面，并写下了12点《敏捷宣言》。
08:41
I think the time is right for an Agile Family Manifesto.
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我认为是时候做一个《敏捷家庭宣言》了。
08:45
I've taken some ideas from the Starrs and from many other families I met.
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我从斯塔尔家和我拜访过的许多其他家庭中得到了一些主意。
08:48
I'm proposing three planks.
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我提出三个重点。
08:51
Plank number one: Adapt all the time.
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重点一：随时调整适应。
08:54
When I became a parent, I figured, you know what?
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当我成为一名父亲的时候，我就想，这样吧
08:56
We'll set a few rules and we'll stick to them.
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我们就定下几条规定，然后就按照规定做。
08:59
That assumes, as parents, we can anticipate every problem that's going to arise.
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这里的假设是我们作为父母可以预料到所有可能出现的问题。
09:03
We can't. What's great about the agile system
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我们不能。敏捷系统很棒的一点
09:06
is you build in a system of change
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是你在一个变化的系统中建立的
09:08
so that you can react to what's happening to you in real time.
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这使你可以随时对发生的状况做出反应。
09:11
It's like they say in the Internet world:
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互联网业界流传着一句话：
09:13
if you're doing the same thing today you were doing six months ago,
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如果你今天做着和六个月前一样的事情，
09:15
you're doing the wrong thing.
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你一定做错了。
09:17
Parents can learn a lot from that.
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父母可以从中学到很多。
09:20
But to me, "adapt all the time" means something deeper, too.
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对我来说，“随时调整适应” 有着更深层的含义。
09:23
We have to break parents out of this straitjacket
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我们父母必须从以前的教条中解放出来，
09:26
that the only ideas we can try at home
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家庭管理并不是只能听从
09:28
are ones that come from shrinks or self-help gurus
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心理医生，自助专家，或者家庭专家
09:31
or other family experts.
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提供的建议。
09:34
The truth is, their ideas are stale,
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事实上，他们的建议过时了，
09:36
whereas in all these other worlds there are these new ideas
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而世界上所有其他领域都有新的技术
09:38
to make groups and teams work effectively.
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让小组和团队更加高效率的工作。
09:42
Let's just take a few examples.
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就让我们来看几个例子。
09:43
Let's take the biggest issue of all: family dinner.
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来看一下最大的问题：家庭晚餐。
09:46
Everybody knows that having family dinner
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所有人都知道家庭晚餐
09:48
with your children is good for the kids.
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和孩子们一起对他们有好处。
09:50
But for so many of us, it doesn't work in our lives.
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但是对于我们大多数人来说，无法在生活中实现。
09:53
I met a celebrity chef in New Orleans who said,
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我在新奥尔良认识的一位明星厨师说过，
09:56
"No problem, I'll just time-shift family dinner.
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“没问题，我把家庭晚餐时间改了就好了。
09:58
I'm not home, can't make family dinner?
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我不在家，不能弄家庭晚餐？
10:00
We'll have family breakfast. We'll meet for a bedtime snack.
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那我们就来家庭早餐。在睡前点心时间见面也可以。
10:03
We'll make Sunday meals more important."
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我们把周日的聚餐弄得更重要一些。”
10:06
And the truth is, recent research backs him up.
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事实就是，最近的研究同意他的观点。
10:10
It turns out there's only 10 minutes of productive time
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研究发现在任何家庭聚餐中只有
10:12
in any family meal.
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十分钟的有效时间。
10:14
The rest of it's taken up with "take your elbows off the table" and "pass the ketchup."
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剩下的时间说的都是“把你的臂肘放下去”和“把番茄酱递给我。”
10:18
You can take that 10 minutes and move it
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你可以把这十分钟挪到
10:20
to any part of the day and have the same benefit.
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一天里的任何时段，效果是一样的。
10:24
So time-shift family dinner. That's adaptability.
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所有挪开家庭晚餐的时间。这就是适应性。
10:26
An environmental psychologist told me,
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一位环境心理学家告诉过我，
10:29
"If you're sitting in a hard chair on a rigid surface,
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“如果你坐在硬椅子或硬平台上，
10:32
you'll be more rigid.
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你会比较死板。
10:33
If you're sitting on a cushioned chair, you'll be more open."
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如果你坐在软垫的椅子上，你会比较开放。”
10:37
She told me, "When you're discipling your children,
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她还说，“当你在惩罚你的孩子时，
10:39
sit in an upright chair with a cushioned surface.
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坐在一个直立的带软垫的椅子上。
10:41
The conversation will go better."
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谈话会比较顺利。”
10:44
My wife and I actually moved where we sit for difficult conversations
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我跟我妻子真的改变了进行严肃谈话时坐的位置，
10:48
because I was sitting above in the power position.
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因为我以前坐得比较高，显得强势。
10:50
So move where you sit. That's adaptability.
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所以改变你的座位。这就是适应性。
10:53
The point is there are all these new ideas out there.
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我要说的就是到处都有这种新的想法。
10:57
We've got to hook them up with parents.
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父母们需要将这些结合起来。
10:59
So plank number one: Adapt all the time.
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这就是重点一：随时调整适应。
11:02
Be flexible, be open-minded, let the best ideas win.
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要灵活，要开放，让最好的主意胜出。
11:06
Plank number two: Empower your children.
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重点二：给你的孩子权利。
11:10
Our instinct as parents is to order our kids around.
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我们作为父母的潜意识是命令我们的孩子做事情。
11:13
It's easier, and frankly, we're usually right.
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这比较简单，坦率地说，我们一般都是对的。
11:16
There's a reason that few systems have been more
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这是家庭比其它系统更加倾向于
11:18
waterfall over time than the family.
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瀑布管理模型的原因之一。
11:21
But the single biggest lesson we learned
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但是我们学到的最重要的一堂课就是
11:23
is to reverse the waterfall as much as possible.
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尽最大可能逆转这种管理模式。
11:26
Enlist the children in their own upbringing.
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让孩子们在成长中掌控自己。
11:29
Just yesterday, we were having our family meeting,
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就在昨天，我们开家庭会议，
11:31
and we had voted to work on overreacting.
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我们在讨论如何改善“反应过度”的行为。
11:34
So we said, "Okay, give us a reward and give us a punishment. Okay?"
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我们说，“好的，我们规定一个奖励和一个惩罚，好吗？”
11:37
So one of my daughters threw out, you get five minutes of overreacting time all week.
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我们一个女儿提出，每人每星期有5分钟的反应过度时间。
11:42
So we kind of liked that.
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我们都觉得这个还不错。
11:44
But then her sister started working the system.
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但是她妹妹开始改进这个系统。
11:45
She said, "Do I get one five-minute overreaction
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她说。“我会得到一个5分钟的反应过度时间
11:49
or can I get 10 30-second overreactions?"
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还是十个三十秒钟的反应过度时间？”
11:52
I loved that. Spend the time however you want.
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我很爱这点。你可以自由分配这个时间。
11:54
Now give us a punishment. Okay.
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现在给我们一个惩罚。好的
11:57
If we get 15 minutes of overreaction time, that's the limit.
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如果我们有十五分钟的反应过度时间，这是极限。
12:01
Every minute above that, we have to do one pushup.
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超出范围的每一分钟，我们必须做一个俯卧撑。
12:05
So you see, this is working. Now look, this system isn't lax.
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所以你可以看到，系统在运转。现在可以看到，这个系统是玩真的。
12:08
There's plenty of parental authority going on.
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我们保留了很多父母的权威。
12:11
But we're giving them practice becoming independent,
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但是我们让孩子们练习独立，
12:14
which of course is our ultimate goal.
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这也是我们的最终目的。
12:16
Just as I was leaving to come here tonight,
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就当我今晚要离开家来这的时候，
12:19
one of my daughters started screaming.
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我们的一个女儿开始尖叫。
12:20
The other one said, "Overreaction! Overreaction!"
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另一个就开始说，“反应过度！反应过度！”
12:23
and started counting, and within 10 seconds it had ended.
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而且开始了数数，十秒钟之内尖叫就停止了。
12:26
To me that is a certified agile miracle.
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对我来说，这是一个见证敏捷奇迹的时刻。
12:29
(Laughter) (Applause)
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（笑声）（掌声）
12:32
And by the way, research backs this up too.
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顺便说一下，也有研究支持这一点。
12:36
Children who plan their own goals, set weekly schedules,
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孩子们计划他们自己的目标，设定每周计划，
12:40
evaluate their own work build up their frontal cortex
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评估他们自己的工作会增强他们的额叶皮层
12:44
and take more control over their lives.
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也会更好的控制他们的生活。
12:48
The point is, we have to let our children succeed on their own terms,
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我要说的点是，我们必须要让孩子们在他们自己努力下成功，
12:51
and yes, on occasion, fail on their own terms.
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当然还有，有时候，在他们自己的努力下失败。
12:54
I was talking to Warren Buffett's banker,
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我曾和一位沃伦·巴菲特的银行家谈话，
12:56
and he was chiding me for not letting my children
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他指责我不允许我的孩子
12:58
make mistakes with their allowance.
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在他们的限度内犯错误。
13:01
And I said, "But what if they drive into a ditch?"
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我说，“如果他们惹麻烦怎么办？”
13:03
He said, "It's much better to drive into a ditch
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他说，“他们现在用6块钱零花钱惹麻烦
13:05
with a $6 allowance than a $60,000-a-year salary
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要比到年薪六万年薪或者继承了六百万美元遗产的时候
13:08
or a $6 million inheritance."
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惹麻烦好得多。”
13:11
So the bottom line is, empower your children.
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所以底线就是，给你的孩子权利。
13:14
Plank number three: Tell your story.
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重点三：讲述你的故事。
13:18
Adaptability is fine, but we also need bedrock.
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适应性很好，但是我们还需要基石。
13:22
Jim Collins, the author of "Good To Great,"
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吉姆·柯林斯, “从优秀到卓越”的作者，
13:24
told me that successful human organizations of any kind
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告诉过我任何形势的人类组织
13:27
have two things in common:
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都有两个共同点：
13:29
they preserve the core, they stimulate progress.
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他们维持核心价值，并激励发展。
13:32
So agile is great for stimulating progress,
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敏捷系统能很好的刺激发展，
13:34
but I kept hearing time and again, you need to preserve the core.
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但是我一直不断的听到，你需要维持核心价值。
13:37
So how do you do that?
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所以你改怎么做呢？
13:39
Collins coached us on doing something
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柯林斯教我们做
13:42
that businesses do, which is define your mission
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企业做的事，就是定义你的使命
13:44
and identify your core values.
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和确定你的核心价值。
13:47
So he led us through the process of creating a family mission statement.
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他带领我们创立一个家庭使命.
13:50
We did the family equivalent of a corporate retreat.
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我们做了一个家庭版的企业活动。
13:53
We had a pajama party.
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我们办了一个睡衣派对。
13:55
I made popcorn. Actually, I burned one, so I made two.
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我做了爆米花。实际上，我烧焦了一个，所以我做了两个。
13:58
My wife bought a flip chart.
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我妻子买了一个挂图。
13:59
And we had this great conversation, like, what's important to us?
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然后我们进行了很棒的谈话，比如，什么对我们来说重要？
14:02
What values do we most uphold?
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我们最坚持什么价值？
14:04
And we ended up with 10 statements.
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我们最后得出了十条定论。
14:06
We are travelers, not tourists.
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我们是旅客，不是游客。
14:08
We don't like dilemmas. We like solutions.
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我们不喜欢困境。我们喜欢解决。
14:11
Again, research shows that parents should spend less time
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再说一次，研究表示父母需要更少的
14:15
worrying about what they do wrong
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担心孩子们办了什么错事
14:17
and more time focusing on what they do right,
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更多的关注他们做的对的地方，
14:20
worry less about the bad times and build up the good times.
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少担心不好的时候，建立更多的好时光。
14:24
This family mission statement is a great way to identify
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这个家庭使命可以很好的坚定
14:27
what it is that you do right.
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你做的哪些是对的。
14:30
A few weeks later, we got a call from the school.
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几个星期后，我们接到学校打来的电话。
14:32
One of our daughters had gotten into a spat.
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我们的一个女儿与人发生了争执。
14:34
And suddenly we were worried, like, do we have a mean girl on our hands?
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我们突然开始担心，如果我们有个坏女孩该怎么办？
14:36
And we didn't really know what to do,
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我们但是并不知道要怎么办，
14:37
so we called her into my office.
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所以我们把她叫到了我的办公室。
14:39
The family mission statement was on the wall,
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家庭使命挂在墙上，
14:41
and my wife said, "So, anything up there seem to apply?"
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我的妻子说，“那上面有哪个内容合适吗？”
14:44
And she kind of looked down the list, and she said,
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她看了一下列表，说，
14:46
"Bring people together?"
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“团结大家？”
14:48
Suddenly we had a way into the conversation.
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我们一下子就有了开始的话题。
14:52
Another great way to tell your story
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讲述你的故事的另一个很好的方式
14:53
is to tell your children where they came from.
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是告诉你的孩子他们从哪里来。
14:56
Researchers at Emory gave children a simple
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艾默理大学的研究员给了孩子们一个简单的
14:59
"what do you know" test.
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“你知道什么”测试。
15:01
Do you know where your grandparents were born?
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你知道你的祖父祖母在哪里出生吗？
15:03
Do you know where your parents went to high school?
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你知道你父母在哪里上的高中吗？
15:06
Do you know anybody in your family
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你知道你家里有没有任何人
15:07
who had a difficult situation, an illness, and they overcame it?
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有过困难时期，生病了又战胜了病魔？
15:11
The children who scored highest on this "do you know" scale
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那些在“知道”榜上得到最高分的孩子们
15:15
had the highest self-esteem and a greater sense they could control their lives.
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有最强的自信和更能感觉到他们有能控制自己的生活的能力。
15:20
The "do you know" test was the single biggest predictor
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这个“知道”测试是最可以测试
15:23
of emotional health and happiness.
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心理健康和幸福的。
15:26
As the author of the study told me,
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这个研究的作者告诉我，
15:28
children who have a sense of -- they're part of a larger narrative
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这些感觉到他们是更大的故事里的一部分的孩子们
15:32
have greater self-confidence.
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有更强的自信。
15:34
So my final plank is, tell your story.
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所以我最后一个重点是，讲述你的故事。
15:37
Spend time retelling the story of your family's positive moments
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花一些时间多讲几次你的家庭愉快的故事
15:41
and how you overcame the negative ones.
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和怎样克服困难时期的故事。
15:44
If you give children this happy narrative,
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如果你给你的孩子开心的讲述，
15:47
you give them the tools to make themselves happier.
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你就给了他们让自己更开心的工具。
15:52
I was a teenager when I first read "Anna Karenina"
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我十几岁的时候第一次读“安妮·卡列尼娜”
15:55
and its famous opening sentence,
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和它非常有名的开篇第一句，
15:57
"All happy families are alike.
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“幸福的家庭都是相似的。
15:59
Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
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不幸的家庭各有各的不幸。”
16:03
When I first read that, I thought, "That sentence is inane.
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当我第一次读它的时候，我想，“这是句疯话。
16:06
Of course all happy families aren't alike."
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幸福的家庭当然不都是一样的。”
16:09
But as I began working on this project,
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但当我开始做这个项目时，
16:11
I began changing my mind.
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我开始改变我的想法了。
16:14
Recent scholarship has allowed us, for the first time,
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近期的学术研究让我们第一次，
16:17
to identify the building blocks
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能够辨别出成功家庭
16:19
that successful families have.
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普遍具备的要素。
16:22
I've mentioned just three here today:
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我今天只谈到了三点：
16:25
Adapt all the time, empower the children, tell your story.
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随时调整适应，给你的孩子权利，讲述你的故事。
16:30
Is it possible, all these years later, to say Tolstoy was right?
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这么多年后，可不可能说托尔斯泰是对的？
16:34
The answer, I believe, is yes.
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答案，我相信，是可以。
16:37
When Leo Tolstoy was five years old,
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当列夫·托尔斯泰五岁大的时候，
16:40
his brother Nikolay came to him
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他的哥哥尼古拉来到他面前
16:42
and said he had engraved the secret to universal happiness
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说他把万能幸福的秘密刻在了
16:45
on a little green stick, which he had hidden
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一个小绿棒上面，藏在了他们家族
16:48
in a ravine on the family's estate in Russia.
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位于俄罗斯的庄园的山沟里。
16:51
If the stick were ever found, all humankind would be happy.
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如果那个木棒被找到，全人类都会得到幸福。
16:55
Tolstoy became consumed with that stick, but he never found it.
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托尔斯泰便一直在寻找这个木棒，但始终没有找到。
17:01
In fact, he asked to be buried in that ravine where he thought it was hidden.
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甚至，他要求被葬在那个他认为是埋藏地的山沟里。
17:05
He still lies there today, covered in a layer of green grass.
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他至今仍在那里，被一层又一层的绿草覆盖着。
17:10
That story perfectly captures for me
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这个故事很完美的对我讲述了
17:12
the final lesson that I learned:
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我学到的最后一课：
17:14
Happiness is not something we find,
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幸福不是我们找到的，
17:17
it's something we make.
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而是我们创造的。
17:20
Almost anybody who's looked at well-run organizations
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基本上所有观察运行的好的企业的人
17:23
has come to pretty much the same conclusion.
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都会得到差不多一样的结论。
17:26
Greatness is not a matter of circumstance.
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伟大并不取决于环境。
17:29
It's a matter of choice.
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而取决于选择。
17:31
You don't need some grand plan. You don't need a waterfall.
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你不需要什么大型的计划。你不需要瀑布。
17:35
You just need to take small steps,
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你只需要迈出小步，
17:37
accumulate small wins,
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积累小胜利，
17:39
keep reaching for that green stick.
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坚持接近那个绿木棒。
17:42
In the end, this may be the greatest lesson of all.
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最后，这可能是最伟大的一堂课。
17:46
What's the secret to a happy family? Try.
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幸福家庭的秘密是什么？是尝试。
17:50
(Applause)
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（掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Bruce Feiler - WriterBruce Feiler is the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families," and the writer/presenter of the PBS miniseries "Walking the Bible."
Why you should listen
Bruce Feiler is the author of nine books, including Walking the Bible, Abraham, and America’s Prophet. He is also the writer/presenter of the PBS miniseries Walking the Bible. His book The Council of Dads tells the uplifting story of how friendship and community can help one survive life’s greatest challenges. Most recently Feiler published The Secrets of Happy Families, in which he calls for a new approach to family dynamics, inspired by cutting-edge techniques gathered from experts in the disciplines of science, business, sports and the military.
Feiler’s early books involve immersing himself in different cultures and bringing other worlds vividly to life. These include Learning to Bow, an account of the year he spent teaching in rural Japan; Looking for Class, about life inside Oxford and Cambridge; and Under the Big Top, which depicts the year he spent performing as a clown in the Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus.
Walking the Bible describes his perilous, 10,000-mile journey retracing the Five Books of Moses through the desert. The book was hailed as an “instant classic” by the Washington Post and “thoughtful, informed, and perceptive” by the New York Times.
Bruce Feiler | Speaker | TED.com